Consider the Slurpuccino the closest thing Slurpologists at 7-Eleven could come up with that might be considered an adult Slurpee without adding alcohol. By its name you can figure out that this here Slurpee has a coffee flavor to it, much like the sweat that comes out of pores of Britney Spears’ cigarette and Starbucks-addicted body after jiggling her pudgy frame through a dance routine for “…Baby One More Time.”

I wish that 7-Eleven came up with this idea sooner, because I will admit, it seems a little weird for a 32-year-old quasi-product review blogger man to be walking out of a convenience store with a strawberry, banana, or Coke Slurpee in his hand. Sure it is even weirder because I suck on the straw a little too provocatively and because of that parents usually pull their children a little closer to them to protect them from the grown man who loves Slurpees — apparently a little too much. However, a coffee-flavored Slurpee would help with this awkwardness.

Unfortunately, the coffee flavor of the Slurpuccino was like Madonna’s British accent — it was extremely artificial. Just like actual coffee, there was a slight bitterness to it, but that bitterness was overcome by the excessive fake creme flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine might’ve made up for its flavor, but I couldn’t find anything about caffeine content on the Slurpee website.

You would think that a national convenience store chain that serves millions of gallons of coffee every year to truck drivers, office workers, college students, and people who did not want to wait in line at Starbucks and will settle for something less could make a pretty good coffee Slurpee, but it seems those years of coffee experience were not used well or at all.

Fortunately, it is a limited edition Slurpee that will be available only throughout February and March. This timeframe makes it a great Valentine’s Day gift for the one you want to break up with. Just buy one right before the break up and stick on it a card that says, “This Slurpuccino was very artificial, just like your personality. This Slurpee will quickly melt away, just like my love for you has.”

Item: Cafe Latte Slurpuccino
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It is cold. Being a Slurpologist. Not having to wait in line at Starbucks. Adult Slurpees. Adult diapers.
Cons: Extremely artificial latte flavor. Horrible fake cream flavor. Headache from brain freeze. Headache from caffeine withdrawals. Great tool to use to break up with someone. Madonna’s British accent. Britney Spears’ coffee-smelling bodily fluids. Sucking on a straw in a provocative manner.

Listen to the TIB Podcast here.

Like all drugs, caffeine has side effects.

For myself, the only side effects I get from caffeine are temporary high blood pressure, stomach aches, and the urge to run down the street yelling random things about indie bands like, “Listening to Belle & Sebastian does not make me a pussy!”

Caffeine’s side effects are much less harsh than other legal drugs. I don’t think you can get any of the following side effects from caffeine: 4-hour erections, mood swings, irregular periods, dry mouth, diarrhea, sleepiness, nausea, unnatural happiness, premature ejaculation, headaches, weight gain, weight loss, loss of libido, loss of hair, growth of hair in unusual places, erectile dysfunction, insomnia, loss of appetite, dry skin, shortness of breath, and laughing while watching According to Jim.

The majority of my caffeine intake comes in the form of energy drinks and the majority of my sugar intake comes in the form of Slurpees, so I was happy to hear about the new Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee, which takes two of my favorite things I like to stick in my mouth — energy drinks and Slurpees — and puts them together in a slushy form that looks refreshingly fun in the hands of a 12-year-old, but embarrassingly creepy and sad in the hands of a single 31-year-old male.

Of course, with it being a combination of energy drink and Slurpee, its main appeal are the energy ingredients found in it. As common as product shout outs in rap lyrics, the energy ingredients found in the Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee are the same ones in most energy drink, like caffeine, taurine, carnitine, ginseng, guarana, and sugar.

The 40-ounce cup I had contained 99 milligrams of caffeine, 19.7 milligrams of niacinamide, 1,659 milligrams of taurine, 40 milligrams of carnitine, 246 milligrams of ginseng extract, and 1.9 milligrams of guarana extract, which is roughly the same amounts as single servings of most energy drinks. It also contained 307 calories, 79 grams of carbs, and 79 grams of sugar.

Of course, the smaller the Slurpee cup you get, the less energy and chances of diabetes you’ll receive.

The Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee had a sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. It wasn’t the best tasting Slurpee I’ve had, but it’s one the best tasting energy products I’ve had.

Although, it was really disappointing that despite drinking all 40 ounces of the energy-infused Slurpee, it didn’t kick my ass into gear like most energy drinks and Taebo tapes do. I did feel a boost of energy, but nothing like the ones I get from drinking regular energy drinks.

This disappointed me because I really felt like running though my office yelling, “Listening to Dashboard Confessional does not make me bitter or sad!”

Item: Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. One of the best tasting energy products I’ve had. Full of the same energy ingredients found in most energy drinks. Slight boost of energy. 4-hour erections at home.
Cons: Not enough energy to kick my ass into gear. Not the best Slurpee I’ve had. Only the 40-ounce cup has amounts of energy equal to most energy drinks. Lots of sugar. The caffeine side effect involving me yelling random things about indie bands like, “All Mates of State songs sound exactly like each other!” 4-hour erections at work.

We’ve all heard about the health benefits of green tea. It’s full of antioxidants that can help lower the risks of cancer and heart disease. Green tea advocates claim that it can help with many other things, like cognition, Alzheimers, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, weight loss, helping you look less fugly, and preventing you from catching anything if you’re around Paris Hilton.

Hmm…Now that I think about, that last one might explain something. If green tea can help with weight loss and be used as prevention from catching anything Paris Hilton is incubating in her, it totally explains what has happened to Nicole Richie.

Despite all the wonderful things green tea can help with, I don’t really think there are any benefit when drinking green tea in Slurpee form, like with the semi-new Melon Green Tea Slurpee.

It’s much like not being able to get potassium from a banana Slurpee or not getting shitfaced from a Pina Colada Slurpee. The only things you can probably get from Slurpees are cool refreshment on a hot day or diabetes — if you drink waaaay too many of them.

Unfortunately, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee might just be the last attempt to regain the spotlight from wildly popular pomegranate.

There was a time when green tea was just a hot beverage at a Japanese restaurant or something you’d find on the shelves at new age, hippie, unshaved armpit natural food stores, but its health benefits soon became known and within a few years it was everywhere like iPods, except significantly less profitable to mug people for.

Today, you can find green tea products in a variety of forms, like green tea chewing gum, green tea ice cream, green tea candy, green tea pills, green tea moisturizers, green tea pet food, green tea energy drinks, and Starbucks Green Tea Frappucinos.

But slowly and surely, pomegranate has been pulling out a number of products from its red, round, juicy ass, like all the popular POM Wonderful drinks and the Starbucks Pomegranate Frappucino.

However, if green tea expects to take back the health-crazed spotlight from pomegranate, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee isn’t the way to do it, unless green tea’s plan is to give pomegranate brain freeze.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee has a light taste to it and the green tea flavor definitely overpowers the melon. Perhaps 7-Eleven should’ve switched the ingredients and named it the Green Tea Melon Slurpee or the Slurpee People Won’t Buy Ever Again.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee also left me with a weird dry mouth feeling, like I had a mild case of cotton mouth. Speaking of cotton mouth, if I ever get the munchies, I’m pretty sure the Melon Green Tea Slurpee won’t be on my list of things to buy, along with the Pringles, ice cream sandwiches, beef jerky, peanuts, Twix bars, Cup o Noodles, Mexican food, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Funyuns, Lean Cuisine frozen dinners, Oreo cookies, pizza, Ritz crackers, Doritos, M&M’s, anything from McDonald’s, and Pop-Tarts.

Item: Melon Green Tea Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Cool refreshment on a hot summer day. Benefits of green tea. Benefits of pomegranate.
Cons: I don’t think there are health benefits from green tea in Slurpee form. Worst Slurpee EVER. Light flavor. Green tea flavor overpowers the melon. Left me with a weird dry mouth. Nicole Richie’s weight loss. Catching anything Paris Hilton has. Brain freeze.

Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven Slurpees, which are not only cold and refreshing, they can also turn your tongue into colors that are usually only made possible through sexually transmitted diseases.

For example, the Coke and Pepsi Slurpees can turn your tongue brown or black like herpes. If you’ve ever had either a banana or pina colada Slurpee you know that it can turn your tongue yellow much like chancroid would if you went down on an Eastern Asian sex worker. The strawberry Slurpee can make a tongue red much like gonorrhea would do to some dude’s schlong.

My tongue right now is purple, but it’s not due to syphilis from a three dollar hooker or pubic lice bites from a 50 cent dollar hooker, it’s from the somewhat new Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

The most interesting thing about the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is that it’s much like a transvestite prostitute, its outside appearance is deceiving.

By just looking at the picture above you’d expect it to have some kind of purple-ish flavor, like grape, plum, sweet potato, eggplant, or Barney. However, just like undressing a transvestite prostitute, taking a sip of the Purple S’Creme Slurpee will bring you a surprise.

Although it’s an unpleasant surprise when taking off the clothes of a transvestite prostitute and a positive surprise when tasting the Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

Under that purple icy exterior was a great vanilla flavor, which reminded me of the blue vanilla Slurpees the 7-Eleven down the street from me once served. Oh, those were wonderful delicious memories. Much better memories than the particular memory I have of the time I spent with a particular tall woman with really long fingers, a deep voice, and legs hairier than mine.

It didn’t taste like there was a hint of any other flavor in the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. It was just delicious vanilla that I could enjoy without the need for condoms or dental dams, like I would need if I went on a Southeast Asian sex trip.

Although I will have to admit, just like if I had gonorrhea, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee caused me pain and discomfort, but that was due to the Brain Freeze I got from sucking down the Slurpee too fast and not because of a night spent with a 47-year-old, three-kid, five-tattoo stripper named Big Momma.

Unfortunately, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is caffeine free, which is good for tired moms with hyperactive children, but not good for hardcore gamers, caffeine-addicted office workers, or prostitutes that need a pick-me-up after being picked up.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to my boss for recommending the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. Also, thanks to my boss for hiring me.)

Item: Purple S’Creme Slurpee
Price: $1.39 (28-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good vanilla flavor. Cold and refreshing. Perfect on a hot, burning day. Possibly perfect on a hot, burning schlong. Condoms. Dental dams. Colorful tongues from Slurpees.
Cons: Caffeine free. Purple color is deceiving, like a transvestite prostitute. Pubic lice. Brain Freeze. Colorful tongues from sexually transmitted diseases.

I really was hoping that the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor would taste like Mr. Pibb and Red Vines, because I hear it equals crazy delicious.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what Mr. Pibb tastes like, so just like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the number of licks it takes to stop a Timex from ticking, and the number of licks it takes to have a woman say my name in the heat of passion, I will probably never know the answer.

I will also probably never know what the mystery flavor is for this Airheads Slurpee. I could try to solve the mystery, but I don’t like food that makes me think, especially a Slurpee, because it’s hard to think when I’ve got brain freeze.

When I have brain freeze, I’m not in any condition to solve a mystery. Maybe if I had a groovy Mystery Machine, some meddling kids, a dumb dog, and Scooby Snacks, I could solve the mystery, but I don’t.

However, I knew that not knowing what the mystery flavor was would peck at my brain like trying to figure out the name of the fourth musketeer or being subjected to a Chinese water torture.

So to figure out what the mystery flavor was, I did exactly what I do when I’m faced with multiple choice questions or when approaching “women” with slight facial hair and large hands…I tried guessing.

I figured if I used my five senses I could figure it out.

Using my sense of touch, I determined that the Slurpee was cold, which was pretty much a waste of time because my sense of sight could’ve of told me that.

Using my sense of sight, I determined that the Slurpee was yellow, which got me thinking, just like the Impulsive Buy puts the “ew” in product review, maybe this flavor puts the “pee” in Slurpee.

Using my sense of smell, I determined that the Slurpee had a fruity flavor, which caused my sense of hearing to hear, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Finally, using my sense of taste, I tried to come up with familiar fruity flavors. The flavor was very good, but my tongue gave me a variety of answers, like grape, strawberry-banana, cherry, and strawberry. So not only is my tongue a sex toy without much stamina, it also has some messed up taste buds.

Well I may not know what flavor the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor is, but I do know that it equals crazy delicious.

Item: Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.39 (40-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruity taste. Crazy delicious. Refreshing on a hot, sunny day. Velma.
Cons: Not being able to figure out the mystery flavor and not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. No Mr. Pibb for me. Yellow snow.

Damn you, Cap’n Crunch! Damn you!

Not only have you given me mild laceration on the roof of my mouth, you’ve also started this trend that’s been sweeping across the minds of professional marketers to misspell wordz. See! I put a frickin’ “z’ at the end of “wordz.”

Look at what you and products like Mini Swirlz, Kibbles ‘n Bits, and Xtreme Right Guard have done. Even Ashton Kutcher has mess’d me up. See! He caus’d…DAMMIT…me to take out the “e” in the suffix “-ed,” like in his show Punk’d.

And now we’ve got 7-Eleven and their green apple-flavor’d Frawg Slurpee.

Thanks to all these product namez, my English degree has suddenly become less valuable than it already was with my poor grammatical skillz. If I sound worri’d, it’s because I am worri’d. But I’m not worri’d because I’m slowly turning into the world’s worse Scrabble player because there aren’t any apostrophez in Scrabble, I’m worri’d about the children.

Although, not as much as Britney’s future spoiled brat baby.

If this continues, imagine what my future child’s (or illegitimate child’s) second grade book report on Arnold Lobel’s Frawg and Toad Together would look like.

My book report is on Arnold Lobel’s Frawg and Toad Together. It is about Frawg and Toad and their adventurez. There are five storiez in the book. There is a story about a list, a garden, cookies, being brave, and a dream. What I learn’d from the book is that Frawg is smart, but Toad is a dumbass, because he doesn’t know how plantz grow or to think on his own.

I lik’d Frawg and Toad Together because it was fun to read and it was short. I also lik’d the picturez. My daddy said he also likes bookz with picturez, xcept his bookz have picturez of ladiez. Sometimes instead of looking at bookz with picturez of ladiez, he goes on the computer and looks at picturez of ladiez.

The end.

Thanks Frawg! Not only have you possibly messed up my future, your fluorescent green color takes me back to my crappy middle school years, when I had this fluorescent green jacket and I would get teas’d every time I wore it.

The cool kids would point to me and say, “Green is the horny color,” or “Green, green gasoline, don’t forget your ding-a-ling.”

You’re lucky that you have sweet, sweet caffeine and look like Slurm, because if you didn’t I wouldn’t even bother with your very light and slightly tangy green apple taste, which remind’d me of a weak apple Jolly Rancher.

Item: Frawg Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40-ounce)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet, sweet caffeine. Kind of good tangy taste. Green is the horny color. Also available as a fountain drink. Looks like Slurm.
Cons: May mess up spelling abilities. Light green apple taste, like a weak apple Jolly Rancher.

She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie

Thank you, Los Angeles! Good night!

Oh, what? Sorry folks, today’s product just reminded me of the Warrant song “Cherry Pie.”

Now some of you young folks maybe wondering, “Who the hell is Warrant?”

Warrant was this “metal” band from the late 80’s and early 90’s. Notice the “metal” in quotes. You see back then there were these bands that used waaaaaaaaay too much hair spray and they called themselves “metal” bands, but they…

Oh, never mind. I don’t want to explain this. Go watch VH1 and you’ll understand.

“What does ‘cherry pie’ mean?”

Um…go ask your parents about that.

One of the great things about the Impulsive Buy’s location is that I can walk 100 yards and buy a Slurpee whenever I want. When I do buy one, I always get a 40-ounce Slurpee, because it makes sense economically to buy the biggest size. Remember it’s usually good to buy in bulk.

I also ask for a brown paper bag to put my Slurpee in, so that when people ask me what I’m drinking, I can tell them I’m drinking a forty, dogg.

For as long as I can remember, the convenience store down the street had a Slurpee dispenser with only four flavors. This sucked because two of those were always the Slurpee staples of Coke and Strawberry. This meant that not many new flavors would be available at the store.

However, the store recently went through a renovation and it now has a Slurpee dispenser with EIGHT frickin’ flavors. When I saw all those flavors I almost slurpeed all over myself.

One of the newest flavors is White Cherry Slurpee.

She’s my cherry pie…

Oh, sorry. I got that song stuck in my head.

After trying it, I have to say that the White Cherry Slurpee is so good that it’s now in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. To be honest, I didn’t expect to like it, but it’s surprisingly good with its sweet and tart taste.

Ever since trying the White Cherry Slurpee a week ago, I’ve purchased several since then. I guess you can say it has become addictive, like another white, crystallized substance called crack.

Except with the White Cherry Slurpee there aren’t any hallucinations, weight loss, or paranoia.

Item: White Cherry Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice sweet and tart taste. Addictive like crack. It’s in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. I like “cherry pie.”
Cons: She’s my cherry pie. Get out of my head, Warrant!