The latest flavor of Slurpee, the God of War Kratos Fury Blackberry Lime, seems like it’s trying to give brain freeze to gamers. If you’re not familiar with the God of War video game franchise, you can learn about its background by watching the eventual shitty movie adaptation of it, which you could add to your Netflix queue, if all of your choices have a long wait and you don’t want to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

For a Slurpee that’s meant for gamers, it’s disappointing to find out it has no caffeine in it. I don’t think a caffeine-free Slurpee promoting a video game, would appeal to gamers because without sweet, sweet caffeine they won’t be able to stay up until the same time most people wake up. Heck, I bet this God of War Slurpee doesn’t even appeal to a God of War because it lacks blood and violence.

If I repeat over and over again the name of the latest Slurpee flavor, Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant, it feels like I’ve transported myself to Strawberryland, where freckled Strawberry Shortcake and her pet cat, Custard, reside. Because everyone in Strawberryland, except for The Peculiar Purple Pie Man, replaces EVERY reference to the word “very” with “berry.”

Thankfully, repeating the name doesn’t actually teleport me to Strawberryland because getting stuck there and hearing the word “berry” all of the time would get berry fucking annoying, berry fucking fast.

See, look how annoying that was.

Also, being in Strawberryland would cause whatever masculinity I have left to be drawn out of me. I don’t have much left because I’ve had most of my masculinity sucked out of me thanks to Sanrio stores and Coldplay albums.

Speaking of things sucking, I didn’t care too much for the Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee. It has a disappointing mild sour and berry flavor. I also thought I could taste some pineapple in it. It has just as much sugar as other Slurpees, but it doesn’t taste crazy sweet like others.

I’ve never had black currant, so I can’t say if this Slurpee flavor comes close to tasting like it, but what I do know, from reading Wikipedia, is that black currant is an excellent source of vitamin C, but this product doesn’t have any.

I know. It’s not surprising it doesn’t have any vitamin C. After all, it’s a Slurpee and the only things Slurpees provide are a lot of high fructose corn syrup and something to shove down the front of my shorts on hot days.

Speaking of hot things, too bad I can’t hang out in Strawberryland for a little bit and meet Strawberry Shortcake. I would love to meet her and get to know her a lot better, because I have a thing for redheads and I might want to hear her say, “That feels berry, berry good.”

(NOTE: I just want to clarify I’m talking about 1980s Strawberry Shortcake, which would make her more than legal.)

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 189 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 51 grams of sugar.)

Item: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee
Price: $1.59
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Great for hot weather days. Redheads. Not a source for anything wholesome.
Cons: Disappointing sour and berry flavor. High fructose corn syrup. High in sugar. Getting trapped in Strawberryland. Getting my masculinity drained out of me via Coldplay albums.

I personally think Slurpee took the wrong approach with their Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen-promoting Bumblebee Blast Slurpee. I believe if they wanted to sell a Pacific Ocean’s worth of Slurpees, they should’ve come out with a flavor called Megan Fox Frost and have four collector’s cups featuring Megan Fox on the hood of Autobots like she’s Tawny Kitaen in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” music video.

It really doesn’t matter what Megan Fox Frost would taste like (heck, it could be mango passion fruit flavored like the Bumblebee Blast Slurpee or whatever the flavor of Ben Gay is) because as long as there are collector’s cups featuring Megan Fox (preferably in 3-D), they would sell like bottled water on a scorching summer day. Of course, 98% percent of purchases would be made by men.

The Megan Fox-less Bumblebee Blast Slurpee has zero grams of fat, no protein and no caffeine. A 12-ounce cup has 96 calories and 25 grams of sugar; a 28-ounce serving contains 224 calories and 59 grams of sugar; and for those extreme sweettooths, a huge 40-ounce cup has 320 calories and 85 grams of sugar.

For the second straight month, Slurpee is promoting a movie with their frozen beverages. Last month, Mutant Berry was released to coincide with the opening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. This month, 7-Eleven is unleashing Apocalyptic Ice Slurpee, a blood orange flavored beverage, to promote the latest movie in the Terminator series.

Since the 2009 summer blockbuster movie season has just begun, I wouldn’t be surprised to see other movie-affiliated Slurpees in the next couple of months. A Harry Potter Slurpee in July? Or a Slurpee promoting Mariah Carey’s movie Tennessee in June?

The Apocalyptic Ice Slurpee has zero grams of fat and no caffeine. A 12-ounce serving contains 108 calories and 25 grams of sugar; a 28-ounce serving contains 252 calories and 59 grams of sugar; and a 40-ounce serving contains 360 calories and 85 grams of sugar.

Earlier this week, 7-Eleven introduced the Mutant Berry Slurpee to promote the release of the upcoming movie — X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its flavor has been billed as Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast.

Along with the special Slurpee flavor, you can get 3D cups featuring either Wolverine, Sabretooth or Gambit, if you’re willing to pick up the largest Slurpee size and consume more sugar than any normal human should or you’re a mutant with the ability to turn the sugar you consumed into ice, fire or harmless butterflies.

The high fructose corn syrup sweetened beverage contains no caffeine and, despite its name, contains NO BERRIES. According to the ingredients list, it contains apples, pear passionfruit, pineapple and peach juices from concentrate, along with papaya and apricot purees.

An 8-ounce serving of Mutant Berry Slurpee contains 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. It will be available throughout the summer months.

This month’s limited-edition Slurpee — Melon Berry Blast — has nothing to do with Space Shuttles or money shots, so I’m wondering what’s the purpose of the “blast” in its name. The only reason I could think of was perhaps 7-Eleven is trying to ensure the literary device of alliteration never goes away. If they are, it’s nice that they’re making the effort. But as long as magazine titles need to be written there will be alliteration.

The Melon Berry Blast Slurpee combines the flavor of watermelon with the taste of strawberry to create a sweet and sour Slurpee that will temporarily make your tongue the same color as Rupaul’s lipstick. It contains 60 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbs, and 17 grams of sugar per 8-ounce serving.