NEWS: Snapple’s ‘Tea Will Be Loved’ Is Made From The Best Stuff Maroon 5 Picked

Maroon 5 live @ WSU.

Next month, Snapple will be releasing a limited edition flavored tea called, Tea Will Be Loved, which was created with Grammy award-winning band Maroon 5. The beverage will benefit the hunger relief organization Feeding America, which helps to provide 1,750,000 meals to those in need.

The limited edition flavor is a blend of green and black teas with, according to its bottle, a “Maroon 5 Fruit Mash-Up.” What that means is each band member chose their own flavor to add to the tea. The five flavors are pomegranate, orange, blackberry, raspberry, and hibiscus. I’m guessing Adam Levine chose hibiscus. I’d guess what the other band members chose, but, to be honest, without looking at Wikipedia, I can’t name the other members of Maroon 5.

Tea Will Be Loved will also feature specially marked gold Snapple caps with Real Facts about the band and Feeding America. Although, I’m pretty sure if you read Maroon 5’s Wikipedia page, you’ll know more Real Facts than those bottle caps.

Snapple’s Tea Will Be Loved will be available for a limited time at participating retailers nationwide starting on September 1, 2011.

Snapple Antioxidant Water

With each having their own color and special power, I was hoping these five flavors of Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water would combine to form a huge robot, like Voltron: Defender of the Universe or the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.

Despite dressing up like King Zarkon from the Planet Doom and throwing other plastic bottles into the trash, instead of recycling them, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water plastic bottles did nothing to stop my evil ways.

Although Captain Planet did appear and attacked me while saying, “I’ve found another use for these bottles and that’s to kick your ass with them.”

The Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water comes in seven flavors, but I was only able to try five of them: Grape Pomegranate, Agave Melon, Strawberry Acai, Orange Starfruit, and Tropical Mango. According to the labels, they all have the power to do something beyond quenching a thirst.

Grape seed extract in the Grape Pomegranate has the power to defy, electrolytes in the Agave Melon has the power to restore, 60 milligrams of caffeine in the Strawberry Acai has the power to awaken, while Vitamin C in the Orange Starfruit and Tropical Mango have the power to protect.

Oh, if only one of them had the power of telekinesis or the power to sober.

Every flavor I tried was good. My two favorite flavors were the unusual tasting Agave Melon and the Strawberry Acai. Overall, they seemed a little less watered down than Glaceau’s Vitamin Water, despite their sugar content being about the same at about 30 grams per bottle. Speaking about similarities with Vitamin Water, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water also has semi-witty writing on its label, they don’t contain high-fructose corn syrup, and of course, they can’t form into a gigantic robot to fight evil.

Item: Snapple Antioxidant Water
Price: 99 cents each (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: All the flavors I tried tasted good. Agave Melon and Strawberry Acai were my favorites. Vitamins A & E. Less watered down taste than Vitamin Water. Electrolytes. No high-fructose corn syrup. Strawberry Acai flavor has 60 milligrams of caffeine.
Cons: Vitamin Water copycat, even includes semi-witty copy on label. Can’t combine to form gigantic robot to fight evil. None has the ability to sober. Getting your ass kicked by Captain Planet.

Snapple Juice Drinks

Fuck! Shit! Goji!

I ♥ profanity — probably a little too fuc…I mean, kiwin’ much. It’s so bad that I think I make dirty sailors blush. I can’t help it because using certain four-letter words seem like the only way I can express what I’m truly feeling. When the cops are about to knock down my door, the words, “Oh, snarf” just doesn’t seem right. Or if I’m ever in the heat of passion, the words, “Oooh, baby. You like the way I fudge you?” are probably the least erotic words I could say in bed.

But as I get older, I realize that I need to cut back on my swearing for the sake of my future children and because I’m slowly replacing every noun I know with the word “shit.”

“Did you see that shit?” or “Can you get a shit of shit from the shit?”

So I’ve tried to quit swearing in numerous ways. The first shit…I mean, goji I tried was using a swear jar, putting a certain amount of money in a jar every time I used profanity and donating that money to a worth cause. That didn’t work very well, but some UNICEF kid got really lucky this past Halloween with his orange box. If the commercials on television are correct, I think I gave him enough shi…I mean, goji to feed a third-world village for a year.

Then I figured if I’m doing it for the children, I should surrounded myself with young children and hang out at Chuck E. Cheese. You would think being around easily impressionable young minds might make me want to hold my tongue, but being around hyperactive, annoying children, who do nothing but cry and complain, had the opposite effect on me. Now those children are not only hyperactive and annoying, they also have a few more words in their vocabulary that I’m sure their parents don’t appreciate and I’ve been banned from Chuck E. Cheese.

So now I’m trying to substitute all my swear words with names of exotic fruits and so far it’s kind of working. Why names of exotic fruits? Because they sound like profanity in foreign languages. Guess which of the following words are names of exotic fruits and which are foreign swear words: salak, gunggong, skila, goji, merde, pajuo, matisia, vlaka, rambai, kuso, rambutan, goumari, noni, salaud, luntao, santol, hako, tassepe, kiwi, culone, jaboticaba, putanginamo.

I fuck up…I mean, I kiwi up once in awhile, but slowly and surely I’m becoming less dependent on profanity. How did I come up with this idea? I have to thank the new Snapple Juice Drinks I’ve been drinking, which come in four flavors, but I only tried the Noni Berry, Kiwi Pear, and Goji Punch. The juice drink label is a little misleading since according to the bottles they each contain between 5-10 percent juice.

Each flavor in the new Snapple Juice Drink line has a health benefit. The low-calorie noni and kiwi flavors help with metabolism, while the not-so-low-calorie goji one aids with immunity. So boys and girls, if you want to kill someone, drink some Snapple Goji Punch before you do it.

Oh wait, the other kiwin’ fighting germs-type of immunity.

The 40 grams of sugar in the Goji Punch might not help with either definition of immunity, since sugar is known to weaken the white blood cells in your body. As for helping with metabolism, it might seem a little more realistic since according to the bottle, studies show that consumption of 300 milligrams of EGCG antioxidants per day with caffeine helps boost metabolism and each bottle contains 30 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine and 55 milligrams of EGCG.

As for taste, the Noni Berry flavor tasted like the strawberry-kiwi Vitamin Water; the Kiwi Pear flavor had a strong pear scent, but had an equal balance of pear and kiwi flavor; and the Goji Punch tasted like berry, berry watered down berry vodka. The first two were good despite a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste, while the goji one was really fuckin’ shitty…I mean, kiwin’ shitty…I mean, fuckin’ gojity…I mean, kiwin’ gojity.

Oh, fuck it.

(Nutrition Facts – Noni Berry & Kiwi Pear – Serving Size: 1 bottle – 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 70 milligrams of sodium, 2 to 4 grams of carbs, 2 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 30 milligrams of caffeine, 55 milligrams of EGCG, and 50 grams of non-sexy exoticness.)

(Nutrition Facts – Goji Punch – Serving Size: 1 bottle – 180 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbs, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin E, and 25 grams of non-sexy exoticness.)

Item: Snapple Juice Drinks
Price: $1.19 each (17.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low calorie and containing artificial sweeteners, the Noni Berry and Kiwi Pear tasted pretty good. Sweet, sweet caffeine and antioxidants in the noni and kiwi flavors. Using exotic fruit names to help cut back on swearing. Helped a third-world village this Halloween.
Cons: Not much juice in these juice drinks. Goji Punch has a lot of sugar. My inability to hold back my swearing. Being banned from Chuck E. Cheese. You like the way I fudge you?