Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Doritos with a dried ramen noodle-esque flavor packet? Sounds like something to snort. (via We Rate Stuff)

Looks like I’m going to have to break out the Birkenstocks if I decide to enjoy an organic chocolate hemp shake. (via I Ate A Pie)

I’m surprised a green tea Coke didn’t happen sooner in Japan, but I guess the Japanese have been too busy making marshmallow-looking cars and erecting Gundam statues. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Which would you prefer? Cheese crackers made by elves or those made by some dude named Lance? (via Second Rate Snacks)

World of Warcraft sucking hours of your life? You can suck back on a World of Warcraft Mountain Dew. (via BevReview)

Pepsi Natural reminds me of naked hippies.

Why? Sit down and I will tell you.

It happened during summer vacation after my sophomore year in college. I returned home to decompress after earning a well-deserved 1.6 GPA, which I obtained by failing Russian and Math 100 and having regular study-canceling sex with my girlfriend at the time, who only liked to do it in the missionary position because she felt doggystyle was degrading and didn’t like the idea of having to do all the work when on top. My high school friends also came home and we decided to do some camping and hiking along the Kona Coast, which is mostly made up of hardened lava rocks with occasional sandy beaches, private multimillion dollar mansions and expensive resort hotels.

As we came upon one of the secluded sandy beaches, we noticed two people sunbathing. As we got closer, they stood up, and it was at this time we found out it was a man and a woman and they were naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen nude sunbathers. I was hoping we would pass right by them, but instead my friend said hello and soon after that a conversation ensued.

Their names were Ocean and Rainbow and they’ve been living on the beach for the past couple of weeks. The couple looked like they were in their 60s, but their leathery skin might’ve made them look older than they truly were. Ocean took a hit off of a joint and then passed it to his female companion, whose breasts seemed to have lost the war with gravity a long time ago. She offered the joint to us, but we declined. The smell of the marijuana helped cover their musky body odors.

Now if you’ve never met a nude sunbather, the first thing you might tell yourself is to not look down at their crotch, which is probably the right thing to think. While my friend was talking to them, I tried to focus on their faces, but something moving in my peripheral vision caught my eye. I darted my eyes towards the moving object and saw it was Ocean’s penis. And it wasn’t moving, it was growing out from an unkept afro of pubic hairs. My eyes quickly shifted to Rainbow’s saggy breasts, then up to her blue eyes and stayed there. But my peripheral vision still noticed his rising cock.

Then I closed my eyes, but opened them when Rainbow called out Ocean’s name with a disapproving tone. “I guess I’m happy to see them,” Ocean replied.

The words coming out of his mouth drew my eyes toward him and then when he looked down, I also looked down and there in my vision was his bronzed boner, which was very similar in color to the Pepsi Natural, hence the reason why it reminds me of naked hippies. My looking quickly turned into staring, but I couldn’t help it because all I could think about was how horrible it must be to have a sunburned cock and I tried to see how the sun’s rays affected it. But I didn’t find out anything because we left soon after.

I think Ocean and Rainbow would like Pepsi Natural, but not because its amber color, that’s noticeably lighter than regular Pepsi, looks like the same shade as Ocean’s tanned penis. They would like it because it’s an all-natural cola made with sparking water, sugar, kola nut extract and eight other less exciting ingredients that either end with the word “acid” or “gum.” It doesn’t taste like regular Pepsi or have the same bite, instead it tastes somewhat earthy and not as sweet, which is probably due to the kola nut extract.

Overall, I did enjoy the flavor of Pepsi Natural. It’s definitely something different than what I’m used to when it comes to Pepsi, but that difference was refreshing. It still reminds me of a naked hippie’s bronzed boner (and after reading this review, it will probably remind you too), but I will continue to enjoy it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: BevReview reviewed it awhile ago. And so did Gigi.)

Item: Pepsi Natural
Price: $12.00
Size: 12-ounce 12-pack
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing flavor. Earthy flavor and not as sweet. All-natural cola. Twist top. Uses real sugar. Hiking and camping on the Kona Coast. Marijuana masking hippie body odors.
Cons: Different Pepsi flavor that might take some getting used to. Reminds me of naked hippie’s bronzed boner. Failing classes. Just doing it in missionary position. Saggy breasts. Leathery skin. Sunburned penises.

All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.

I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1’s I Love The 90s.

Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.

I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.

Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.

If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.

Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)

(Note: BevReview gets all up in the bizness of both the Mountain Dew Throwback and Pepsi Throwback. Here’s another review of them via Pulpconnection. And here’s a review from Gigi.)

Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback
Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from marketing firm
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback)
Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

A Throwback Pepsi sweetened with real sugar? Whoop-dee-doo! How about bringing back Crystal Pepsi, Holiday Spice Pepsi, Pepsi Blue, Kona Pepsi and Pepsi AM? (via BevReview)

There’s something wrong with this Japanese Espresso Coffee Kit Kat. It’s too normal. Used Schoolgirl Panty Kit Kat? That’s the ticket! (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Aww, man. I thought these Sharpie pens would be able to handle the rigors of writing the word “fun” in big bold letters on a passed out friend’s face with an arrow pointing to their mouth, but these pens have a fine point. (via Office Supply Geek)

A $28 chicken pot pie that serves four? I don’t know. A $1 chicken pot pie that serves one and a $27 New York Steak dinner that also serves one sounds a whole lot better. (via Freezer Burns)

If I have a disposable toothbrush in my pocket, where am I going to put my disposable hand wipes, disposable diapers, disposable razors and disposable underwear. My cargo pants can only hold so much. (via +/-)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I didn’t expect the new Dragonball movie to be under 90 minutes long. I thought it was going to be extremely long and drawn out, just like the anime series, which would take ten episodes to complete one fight scene. (via Pajiba)

From what I read on the internets, kosher colas are supposed to be really good because they use sugar instead of HFCS. Unfortunately, here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean the Jewish population is less than one percent. So I don’t think any stores here carry it. (via BevReview)

There are no winners, only losers, when comparing raspberry flavored jell bars. (via Second Rate Snacks)

Nearly a pound of cheese? Pfff…That’s not an extreme amount of cheese, Papa John’s. Where’s the cheese stuffed crust? Where’s the cheese dipping sauce? Where’s the cheesy bread spread out on top of the pizza like pepperoni? (via We Rate Stuff)

This reminds me of The Book of Bunny Suicides (via Candyblog)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Okay. That’s it folks. The tit of energy drink names has run dry. SPAM Energy Drink is by far the lamest name ever. (via Ed Junkie)

Second lamest energy drink name? Chinese Rocket Fuel (via Taurine Rules)

I’ve never eaten at Del Taco, but the Macho Combo Beef Burrito makes me want to talk like Macho Man Randy Savage. Oh yeah! Oh yeah, it also makes me want some beta blockers. (via Eyunta)

From what little knowledge I have about men in Japan, I’ve figured out two things: they love schoolgirl panties and enjoy drinking beer. There’s beer candy, so I’m thinking there’s probably schoolgirl panty candy. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Since this Pepsi is all-natural there’s no way it will end up on a reality show starring Bret Michaels. (via Gigi Reviews)

Product reviews from other blogs within the past week wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

It might be just me, but I think an unopened limited edition Obama-themed orange cola will have a higher resale value than a commemorative plate you can buy on QVC. (via The A.V. Club)

At least it’s not called Blowtonium. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Occasionally, when I visit Candy Blog, I end up licking my screen because of the photos Cybele takes. Thanks to her, I don’t have finger smudges on the front of my monitor, but I do have saliva dripping from the bottom of it. (via Candy Blog)

Energy strips than melt away on your tongue? We are now one step closer to energy enemas. (via Energy Fiend)

Oh, Kashi. When you take over the world with your seven whole grain army, it will be a healthier place. (via The Skinny Plate)

The Coca-Cola Company recently made their lemon-lime soda, Sprite, a little self-conscious this month by introducing the slimmer and sexier Sprite Green.

The big deal about Sprite Green is that it is one of the first beverages in the U.S. made with TRUVIA, a zero-calorie natural sweetener, which was develop by Cargill and the Coca-Cola Company. I could explain in detail what TRUVIA is and how it’s made, but instead I will refer you to this Wikipedia page because if I did try I would probably make stuff up, like TRUVIA got its name because the creators of the natural sweetener are big fans of the cancelled FOX show Tru Calling.

Although, TRUVIA is a zero-calorie sweetener, Sprite Green will have 50 calories per 8.5-ounce serving and contain 5% lemon juice. It’s being marketed to active teens and young adults, but will probably be consumed more by inactive adults looking to cut a few extra calories. It was launched in only two U.S. cities earlier this month in pretty 8.5-ounce aluminum bottles, but will be available to more inactive adults in January 2009.

You only have 18 more shopping days to buy gifts for people you don’t really want to buy gifts for. Any of the products below would make an excellent gift for those people you don’t want to put any effort into.

While reading this review, for some strange reason, I kept replacing “Bounty” with “Booty” in my head. (via Second Rate Snacks)

I’m disappointed that a box of Gordon Ramsay chocolates doesn’t have the words “FUCK YOU” in gigantic letters on the front of the box. It should at least have chocolates shaped in the letters you can spell the seven words you can never say on television with. (via The Chocolate Review)

These Japanese Cheese Fondue Cheetos prove once again that Japanese have HUGE balls when it comes to making snack food. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Here in Hawaii, Mele Kalikimaka is our way of saying Merry Christmas and Hauoli Makahiki Hou is our way of saying Happy New Year. No, I do not know any swear words in Hawaiian. (via Gigi Reviews)

I’m embarrassed to admit that I love instant mashed potatoes and Velveeta. Put those two together and it could quite possibly be the GREATEST PRODUCT EVER!!! (via Heat Eat Review)

Do you enjoy words? Then you will enjoy sentences, and if you like sentences, then you’ll love paragraphs. If you love paragraphs, then you’ll like these reviews from other review blogs.

I was disappointed to find out that the Taco Rack was not what I hoped it to be — a delicious way to position the balls for a game of pool. Ha! You probably thought I was going to make a boobies joke. Instead I’ll let you folks do that in the comments. (via Phoood)

The director of the classic Deep Throat passes away and we honor his work with an energy drink? Well I guess it does make sense since we do swallow the energy drink. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Yay! Egg nog! I’m pretty sure the reason for my yearly weight gain during the holiday season is caused by the gallons of egg nog I drink and not the turkey. Since it’s only around for a couple of months, I need to drink as much of it as I can. (via Gigi Reviews)

I guess my theory that Mello Yello and Mountain Dew are the same thing because I never see them at the same place and at the same time is wrong. Unless, the photo has been Photoshopped to trick me. (via Second Rate Snacks)

I find it to be weird eating a candy bar that looks like it needs a condom wrapped around it to prevent whatever those bumps are from spreading. (via Candy Blog)