The Impulsive Buy » Soda

REVIEW: Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Marvo — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:56:32 +0000

Ever since Pepsi Max was introduced in the United States a few years ago, it’s been my main source of caffeine, since it’s a zero calorie soda that provides me with 115 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. I’ve consumed a lot of it, so much so that if Pepsi Max was an illegal drug, I would’ve overdosed a long time ago; if it was a prostitute, I would have a burning sensation whenever I pee; and if it was regular Pepsi, I would have diabetes.

Pepsi Max Cease Fire is Pepsi Max with a hint of lime flavor and it’s the first variation of the high-caffeine diet soda in the United States. While the bottle says it has a hint of lime, it turned out to be more than just a smidgen.

It had an uncomfortable amount of lime that masked the cola flavor and made me briefly wonder if I diluted it with water in a bucket and used the solution to mop, could bring some luster to my tile floors? But just like seeing Jason Segal’s penis over and over again in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I somewhat got used to it.

The zero calorie, lime-flavored soda gets its name because of its claim to soothe the burn from spicy foods. Unfortunately, when I first opened the bottle I didn’t have any spicy foods in the apartment. So instead, I licked my arm several times because many women have said I’m mui caliente. But that didn’t work. Then I quickly remembered, as I pulled my arm hair off of my tongue, that those women didn’t say I was mui caliente, they said I was mui peludo.

So in order to test Pepsi’s claim, I had to walk to the convenience store down the street, while avoiding the temptation to visit the 24-hour massage parlor along the way, and pick up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. After building a decent burn from eating half of a 3.25 ounce bag, I took a swig of the Pepsi Max Cease Fire and swished it around in my mouth. While the soda was in my mouth, it did soothe the burn a little, but then again wouldn’t most cool beverages that aren’t hard liquor. After I swallowed, the burn slowly crept back to a point that was only slightly less than what I started at.

So basically Pepsi Max Cease Fire, when it comes to soothing the burn from spicy food, is as effective as trying to put out the Burning Man fire by having one guy with a full bladder pee on it. It’ll help a little, but it won’t come close to putting it out.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: More Pepsi Max Cease Fire review goodness from Gigi Reviews and BevReview)

Item: Pepsi Max Cease Fire
Price: $1.25
Size: 2 liters
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Zero calories. A good amount of caffeine. 24-hour massage parlors. Regular Pepsi Max. Being mui peludo in the winter.
Cons: Uncomfortable amount of lime flavor. Off-putting aftertaste. Doesn’t do a good job of soothing the burn from spicy food. Being mui peludo in the summer.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 3/6/2010

Marvo — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 11:15:02 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Wanna see a picture that will haunt your dreams or remind you of the monster in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer TV special? (via Candyblog)

Is it just me or does the ExtendBar Peanut Delight Bar sound like something to be eaten for male enhancement? (via I Ate A Pie)

AMP Energy now has an energy orange juice. But when I’m 65 years old, will they have energy prune juice? (via ED Junkie)

If I bought two bottles of Curiosity Cola would they make me bi-curious? What if I added a goat? (via Soda Giant)

Corn nuts covered in chocolate sounds like a winner. But then again, I’m not very good at selecting winners, since I picked the Colts to win the Super Bowl and I have the Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience as my pick to win the Oscar for Best Picture. (via Candygurus)

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 1/30/2010

Marvo — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 10:00:47 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

A chocolate bar with panko inside sounds awesome. But a chocolate bar coated with panko and then deep fried sounds awesomer. (via Candyblog)

Yes! School lunch reviews! If I had a blog in the 1980s, I think I would’ve started my own school lunch review blog. (via Fed Up With School Lunch)

It is bar week at I Ate A Pie. (via I Ate A Pie)

(Insert random Japanese Kit Kat review here) (via Jen Ken’s Kit Kat Blog)

China Cola isn’t made in China, but if it were, you’d probably be able to find it at Walmart, just like many products made in China. (via The Soda Jerks)

Panko photo via Flickr user fotoosvanrobin / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 12/19/2009

Marvo — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 10:00:50 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

James Cameron’s Avatar will probably make a billion dollars. But what’s even more impressive is that it doesn’t have a Celine Dion love song that will be played ad nauseam on radio stations. (via Pajiba)

If you think a sandwich Frankensteined together using a Big Mac, Filet O Fish, McChicken and Egg & Sausage McMuffin looks scary, imagine a McDonaldland character with Ronald McDonald’s head, Grimace’s body, Mayor McCheese’s arms, Birdie the Early Bird’s legs and the Hamburglar’s voice. (via Eating the Road)

I will state the obvious. A beverage that comes out of a worm’s butt will taste like something that comes out of a worm’s butt. (via Everyview)

A coffee called Wake the Fuck Up doesn’t really sound like an effective coffee. Do you know what would be? Punch to the Face Coffee or Replace Your Alarm Clock With A Growling Lion Without a Snooze Button Coffee. (via Energy Fiend and Possessed by Caffeine)

Never mind the fact that there are only six more shopping days left until Christmas. More importantly, there are only a few more days left for you to enjoy IHOP’s Holiday Hotcakes. (via We Rate Stuff)

WIBIA reviewed five chili dogs. (via Would I Buy It Again)

When I think of “Hot Lips,” soda doesn’t come to mind. Two acronyms do — M*A*S*H and S.T.D. (via The Soda Jerks)

Celine Dion image via Wikimedia Commons / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 11/28/2009

Marvo — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:00:32 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

The Jones Tofurky & Gravy soda is disgusting and salty. If it wasn’t gross, I would’ve been extremely disappointed with Jones Soda. (via BevReview, The Soda Jerks and Foodette Reviews)

Speaking of Tofurky, the real thing is just as…um, what’s the opposite of mouth watering? Taste bud torturing? (via Freezer Burns)

With all of this Tofurky talk, I wish I had a Five Guys Burger to cleanse my palate. (via Everyview)

A bag of Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays, which is the least cardboard tasting Baked Lays flavor by far, would also help me forget about Tofurky. (via We Rate Stuff)

Or if I want to be even more disgusted, I could eat some candied kelp. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Or I could watch all blood and beheading in the movie Ninja Assassin. (via Pajiba)

Tofurky image via Flickr user purpletwinkie / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 11/14/2009

Marvo — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 11:21:55 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Yay! I don’t have to lick Smurfs anymore! (via Snack Overload)

I believe every episode of a soda review video podcast should end with the host burping the alphabet. (via Soda Giant)

Hooters has new wing flavors and are still filled with men who ogle Hooters Girls in a way that is considered sexual harassment in almost any other workplace. (via Would I Buy It Again)

Here in Hawaii, there are two Kua’Aina burger shops. People seem to love them, but I’m not a fan. Japan must REALLY love them if they make a potato chip that tastes like their burgers. (via Foodette Reviews)

Shouldn’t watermelon be a flavor of a wine cooler instead of a beer. Meh, what do I know? I enjoyed Zimas. (via TBQ)

REVIEW: Jones Candy Corn Soda

Marvo — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 10:49:13 +0000

If Native Americans knew we were going to create a disgusting candy that looks like corn and then make a carbonated beverage that tastes like said candy, they probably wouldn’t have taught the Pilgrims how to grow corn.

Candy corn is the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of Halloween treats because they just won’t go away, despite how much people loathe them. Actually, comparing those two no talent attention grabbers to candy corn is rather insulting to the white, orange and yellow candy that has the consistency of wax.

I wonder what’s the appeal of candy corn. I understand the reason why for those who purchase it, because it allows them to give extremely cheap candy to trick or treaters, but I don’t comprehend those who eat it. If I want eat something sweet with the word “corn” in its name, I’ll just consume kettle corn or one of the thousands of products that contain high fructose corn syrup or a chocolate-dipped corn dog.

Like a small catch while fishing, candy corn is one of those things you throw back to the place from where it came. I don’t know about the rest of you, but in my neighborhood, those who would give out candy corn on Halloween would find their front doorsteps littered with candy corn the next morning. Or if we had time, we would spell out the word “cheap ass” using the candy corn.

We did the same thing to those who handed out stacks of pennies, but by the next morning the front doors of those who passed them out were clean because the kids collecting for UNICEF would pick up the loose change.

While I may not enjoy candy corn, the Jones Candy Corn Soda might be the only candy corn product I’ll slightly tolerate, even though it’s urine-colored and doesn’t really taste like candy corn. Its flavor is extremely sweet and its initial flavor is quite off-putting, but once you get past it, it tastes like a cream soda with some spice, which I kind of liked, but it will probably turn off most people. It’s best when extremely chilled and quite nasty when slightly warm.

So if you’ve got some cash to burn and you’re looking to get something special for trick or treaters who stop buy your house this Halloween, might I suggest NOT picking up all the Jones Candy Corn Soda you can find, unless you want the short roly-poly cans thrown at your front door in the middle of the night.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jones Candy Corn Soda
Price: $2.99 (4-pack)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like candy corn. Limited Edition. Uses cane sugar. No high fructose corn syrup. Getting good candy for Halloween.
Cons: Small cans. Urine colored. Initial flavor was off-putting. Tastes like cream soda with a bit of spice. Getting candy corn for Halloween. Getting stacks of pennies for Halloween.

REVIEW: Goya Cola Champagne

Stacey — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 09:47:58 +0000

I’ll get straight to the point here: I’m what you’d call a “classy” broad. I enjoy the finer things in life, such as dining at upscale restaurants that aren’t so upscale that they don’t accept coupons; wearing designer clothing that I find irregular or on clearance; and looking at the furniture in the Crate and Barrel catalog.

So when I saw Goya’s Cola Champagne, I said to myself “Ooh la la! Now there is a soft drink for me.” Surely this was to be a superior, top of the line beverage — despite being manufactured by the same company I normally associate with black beans and adobo sauce.

After opening the bottle and letting the cola breathe for a bit, I poured myself a glass. But the ironic thing about Goya Cola Champagne is that it tastes like neither cola nor champagne, but instead like carbonated sugar water with strong notes of bubblegum and hints of orange cough syrup. Actually, I don’t know if that’s “ironic” in the actual definition of ironic sense of the word so much as the Alanis Morrissette song “Ironic” sense of the word. Really, Alanis? You know I love you girl but rain on your wedding day and a fly in your Chardonnay isn’t ironic, it’s fucking unfortunate. Learn the difference.

At any rate, even though the product didn’t taste anything like actual champagne, (not even the five dollar bottles you find on the bottom “shelf of indignity” in the sparkling wine aisle of the grocery store) it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

It was also very Bazooka Joe-ish on the nose, which added to the bubblegum sensation I got while drinking it. And really, I’m down with other bubblegum flavored products such as bubblegum jelly beans, bubblegum ice cream and, you know, bubblegum itself; so going by those standards it wasn’t too bad. My biggest complaint was that it left my mouth tasting like bubblegum-flavored bile after drinking it. I think “refresco” must be Spanish for “bad aftertaste.”

Overall, while it wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t especially memorable either. So next time I’m in the mood for cola or champagne I’ll probably stick to my usual Coke Zero or champagne with actual alcohol in it, even if I have to resort to the shelf of indignity in the liquor store.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces (1 bottle) – 200 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of fiber, 45 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 0% iron.)

Item: Goya Cola Champagne
Price: 2/$1.59
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Supreme Shop ‘N Bag
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Shit that’s bubblegum-flavored. Crate and Barrel furniture. Being a classy broad.
Cons: Bad aftertaste. Rain on your wedding day. Flies in your chardonnay. Having to resort to the shelf of indignity at the liquor store.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 8/15/2009

Marvo — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 10:00:14 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Seriously, Mountain Dew? Is this purple soda your way of teasing us Mountain Dew Pitch Black lovers? Just bring it back already. Please. Pretty please. Pretty please with high fructose corn syrup on top. (via BevReview)

I have one of these in my fridge. It’s been sitting in there for over six months. I hope it gets better with time. (via ED Junkie)

Chocolate shaped like Lego? I know how to stop the big bad wolf from blowing down my house. Instead of blowing it down, he’ll eat the chocolate, then get sick from it and then I’ll blow him away with Lady Gaga blasting from huge ass speakers. (via Candy Blog)

With the number of meals Lean Cuisine introduces every year, mathematically, they eventually had to combine bacon with alfredo. (via Yum Yucky)

Something named Jungle Joose that tastes bad? Doesn’t all jungle juice taste bad? (via Possessed by Caffeine)

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 8/8/2009

Marvo — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 10:00:36 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

I guess I missed the memo. Apparently, it’s Taco Bell Volcano Nachos Review Week. (via We Rate Stuff, Everyview and Grub Grade)

My bucket list contains another list of fast food places I want to try, like Sonic, Five Guys and Chick-fil-A. The list is on the bottom of my bucket list because the food at most of these places could make me kick the bucket. (via Foodette Reviews)

I used to have a thing for mechanical pencils while in high school and had over 50 of them by the time I graduated. I even traded them with other mechanical pencil geeks in school. Yes, I didn’t have a girlfriend during high school. (via Dave’s Mechanical Pencils)

With a name like Cola Shock, I was expecting this to be an energy drink, but it’s alcohol. I guess that’s the shock. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Why do Frosted Mini Wheats remind me of bales of hay covered with cocaine? (via The X Section)

Photo via istockphoto.com.