NEWS: Jones Soda To Release Au Naturel Sparkling Water In Plastic Bottles

Sunshine Of Your Jones

Jones Soda has never been sold in plastic bottles.

Actually, that’s not quite correct. Jones Soda’s discontinued line of vitamin enhanced water did, but Jones Soda soda has never been sold in plastic bottles.

Well, that’s about to change with their new line of Au Naturel sparking waters. Of course, this disappoints me because if I’m drinking one at a picnic and a fight breaks out, I can’t smash the plastic bottle on someone’s head or on a tree to make a weapon to defend myself.

Jones Au Naturel is made up of carbonated water, natural sweeteners (organic agave syrup, stevia, and pure cane sugar), flavor essence, and green tea extracts to provide a little caffeine.

A bottle of Au Naturel contain 35 calories, seven grams of sugar, and five grams of fiber. So it has the same amount of fiber found in a bowl of this raisin bran. The sparking water comes in three Ben and Jerry’s flavor-sounding names: Green Apple A Day, Lemon Limelight, and Orange Ya Glad Its Mango.

Au Naturel has a suggested retail price of $1.79 per 16.9-ounce bottle and will be available on the Jones Soda website and natural grocery store.

REVIEW: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda

Jones Bacon Flavored Soda

Sometimes I feel like I’m the lamest member of the Jackass crew.

I’m not willing to get kicked in the balls, have animals attack me on purpose, sit in a port-a-potty that’s about to get knocked over, or get my ass cheeks pierced together, but I’m willing to eat fast food items with 1,500+ milligrams of sodium and drink Jones Soda’s Bacon Flavored Soda.

There isn’t a word in any language that properly describes how vile this bacon flavored soda tastes. Shit, I’m surprised I mustered the courage to taste it because a foul stench of artificial bacon wafted into my nasal passages as I brought my mouth towards the opening of the bottle. The smoky, nauseating aroma put my entire digestive system into defensive mode.

Its flavor is extremely potent. It’ll grow hair on your chest, and if you’re somehow able to drink an entire bottle, it’ll probably grow a third nipple, as well. The bacon soda’s smoky and sweet flavor tastes like Jones Soda figured out a way to bottle the things that make babies cry: smoke and candy taken away from babies.

Speaking of crying, drinking it made me tear up. It wasn’t a happy cry or a sad cry, it was more of a frantic “Mommy! Please make it stop!” cry.

I only sipped my way though one-fifth of a bottle because sipping the reddish bacon soda is a chore. Every sip warranted several chasers of something that would get rid of that godawful taste from my mouth.

While those chasers helped wash away the flavor from my taste buds, they did nothing for the memories etched into my brain. Each sip made those grooves deeper and deeper, and it already has reached to the point where just the thought of this bacon soda makes me gag.

While my experience with it was bad, I really feel sorry for the Jones Soda employee or intern who had to taste test all the prototype versions of the Jones Bacon Flavored Soda. Because if the final version is horrible, all the test versions of it must have been worse.

I hate to say this, but I think Jones Bacon Flavored Soda has ruined bacon for me. I’ve said on a number of occasions that bacon makes everything better, but this limited edition bacon flavored soda proved me wrong. Now, just the thought of a bacon cheeseburger makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Thanks, Jones Soda!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle/12 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 516 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Other Jones Bacon Flavored Soda reviews:
Junk Food Betty
BevReview
Dave’s Cupboard

Item: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda
Price: $9.99 (Bacon soda set)
Size: 2-12 ounce bottles
Purchased at: Jones Soda Website
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: There’s a bacon flavored soda. Only 10 calories. May get you to quit bacon.
Cons: Godawful. Hard to get. Pricey. Artificial bacon stench. Ruined bacon for me. The prototype versions of this soda. Makes me cry. Its flavor is etched into my brain.

NEWS: Find Out If Self-Proclaimed Bacon Lovers Really Do Love It With Jones Bacon Soda

Bacon Soda was inevitable, and it was also inevitable that the Jones Soda Company would be the one to do it. After years of producing soda flavors that no sane soda company would ever formulate, like dirt, turkey & gravy, corn on the cob, sweat, broccoli casserole and astroturf, it should be no surprise that Jones Soda was the one to release a bacon soda.

The limited edition soda was created with help from the folks who brought the world Bacon Salt and Baconnaise.

A pack of two Jones Bacon Soda with a tube of bacon lip balm, a package of bacon popcorn and a package of bacon gravy mix can be purchased from the Jones Soda website for $9.99 plus shipping.

NOTE: Yes, we did buy some.

NEWS: Jones Soda Re-Launching WhoopAss Energy Drink In Bad Ass Cans For Your Punk Ass

I thought the original Jones Soda WhoopAss Energy Drink was mediocre and the outside of the can was better than what was inside of it. Well, the original WhoopAss Energy Drink is getting its ass kicked to curb and being replaced with a completely refreshed version.

It will now come in an all-black 16-ounce can with an Iron Cross graphic, bitchslapping the anime-inspired artwork on the original can into history. What’s in the can will also get the Vulcan death grip. The updated version of WhoopAss will be a deep bruise purple color, instead of the bright yellow pee-like color of the original. Finally, the new WhoopAss Energy Drink will karate chop your taste buds with an exotic, subtle fruit flavor with notes of dragonfruit.

Along with an energy boost, the new WhoopAss will contain the antioxidant kick of 2.5 servings of vegetables and help with muscle recovery. The antioxidants will come from yerba mate, grape extracts and green tea. It’s also stuffed with taurine, L-Arginine, L-Carnitine, L-Lysine. The energy will be provided by a blend of B2, B3, B6 and B12 vitamins.

The new version of WhoopAss Energy Drink will retail for a wallet-punching $2.39 per can and will hit the stores sometime in November.

REVIEW: Jones Candy Corn Soda

If Native Americans knew we were going to create a disgusting candy that looks like corn and then make a carbonated beverage that tastes like said candy, they probably wouldn’t have taught the Pilgrims how to grow corn.

Candy corn is the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of Halloween treats because they just won’t go away, despite how much people loathe them. Actually, comparing those two no talent attention grabbers to candy corn is rather insulting to the white, orange and yellow candy that has the consistency of wax.

I wonder what’s the appeal of candy corn. I understand the reason why for those who purchase it, because it allows them to give extremely cheap candy to trick or treaters, but I don’t comprehend those who eat it. If I want eat something sweet with the word “corn” in its name, I’ll just consume kettle corn or one of the thousands of products that contain high fructose corn syrup or a chocolate-dipped corn dog.

Like a small catch while fishing, candy corn is one of those things you throw back to the place from where it came. I don’t know about the rest of you, but in my neighborhood, those who would give out candy corn on Halloween would find their front doorsteps littered with candy corn the next morning. Or if we had time, we would spell out the word “cheap ass” using the candy corn.

We did the same thing to those who handed out stacks of pennies, but by the next morning the front doors of those who passed them out were clean because the kids collecting for UNICEF would pick up the loose change.

While I may not enjoy candy corn, the Jones Candy Corn Soda might be the only candy corn product I’ll slightly tolerate, even though it’s urine-colored and doesn’t really taste like candy corn. Its flavor is extremely sweet and its initial flavor is quite off-putting, but once you get past it, it tastes like a cream soda with some spice, which I kind of liked, but it will probably turn off most people. It’s best when extremely chilled and quite nasty when slightly warm.

So if you’ve got some cash to burn and you’re looking to get something special for trick or treaters who stop buy your house this Halloween, might I suggest NOT picking up all the Jones Candy Corn Soda you can find, unless you want the short roly-poly cans thrown at your front door in the middle of the night.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jones Candy Corn Soda
Price: $2.99 (4-pack)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like candy corn. Limited Edition. Uses cane sugar. No high fructose corn syrup. Getting good candy for Halloween.
Cons: Small cans. Urine colored. Initial flavor was off-putting. Tastes like cream soda with a bit of spice. Getting candy corn for Halloween. Getting stacks of pennies for Halloween.