All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.

I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1′s I Love The 90s.

Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.

I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.

Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.

If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.

Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)

(Note: BevReview gets all up in the bizness of both the Mountain Dew Throwback and Pepsi Throwback. Here’s another review of them via Pulpconnection. And here’s a review from Gigi.)

Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback
Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from marketing firm
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback)
Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.

Over the years, there have been many movies that have been as entertaining as a monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.

But the sequels to those movies have burned me and my wallet, because they were as entertaining as watching water boil, watching grass grow, or listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

For example, there’s Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack is probably the greatest movie about golf ever, while Caddyshack 2 is probably the worst movie about golf ever.

Then there was Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

How bad was Speed 2?

Let me put it this way, Speed 2 was so bad that I actually uttered the eleven words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, “I think Keanu Reeves’ crappy acting would’ve made this movie better.”

Finally, there’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies and Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2.

What was so bad about Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2?

Well, besides more songs that were made waaay before I was born, I think Richard Simmons’ shorts in the sequel were shorter than usual, and if you know how short they usually are, then you know that if they got any shorter, it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Because I can only take so much glittery and shimmery manliness.

So with all of these crappy experiences with sequels, I was hesitant to try the new limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2, which is the sequel to last year’s original Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black, you can read the Impulsive Buy’s review of it here or if your carpal tunnel is acting up and isn’t allowing you to click anything, I’ll just tell you that it has the same caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew, except with a blast of grape flavor.

Also it’s not really pitch black, it’s more like goth purple.

The only difference between Pitch Black 2 and the original Pitch Black is the sour bite, which the original lacked. Personally, I kind of like it better without the bite, but Pitch Black 2 is still good.

However, just like all Mountain Dew variations, Pitch Black 2 doesn’t make me want to do anything extreme, like jump out of a plane, do a backflip on a motorcycle, or jump over the Great Wall of China with a skateboard.

Also, just like last year, Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2 will only be around for a limited time. But thank goodness it will be around longer than the number of days Baby Geniuses 2 spent in theaters.

Item: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2
Purchase Price: $1.39 (20-ounce)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine as regular Mountain Dew. A monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.
Cons: Limited Edition. I prefer the original version, without the sour bite. Caddyshack 2, Speed 2, Baby Geniuses 2, and both Sweatin’ To The Oldies. Listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

Mountain Dew LiveWire. Originally released last summer. Re-released this summer. It’s not summer anymore, but they still sell it. Will probably be re-re-released next summer. I like it. I usually call it Mountain Dew orange. After drinking a Mountain Dew, I feel so xtreme. I want to do a 50-50 railslide on a skateboard, or do a tailwhip 540 on a BMX bike, or do a nac-nac backflip on a motorcycle. If given the choice between original Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew LiveWire, I would pick the original Mountain Dew.

Okay, now that I’ve got the mandatory review part out of the way, I can talk about the new prize drawing.

About a month ago The Impulsive Buy held it’s first ever prize drawing. We gave away six Oral-B Brush-Ups.

We think the people who received them were very happy because these Brush-Ups are a good way to freshen their breath in case they ever found themselves in a spontaneous make out session in the back seat of a car.

For our second prize drawing, we will be giving away SEVEN Wet Ones Kids Antibacterial Wipes, which won’t help you if you ever found yourself in a spontaneous make out session in the back seat of a car.

Oh wait, now that we think about it…

If you find yourself in a spontaneous make out session in the back seat of a car with someone who isn’t your significant other, you can use the Wet Ones Kids Antibacterial Wipe to wipe away any lipstick or mask any perfume/cologne, so that your significant other won’t find out that you had a spontaneous make out session in the back seat of a car with someone else.

Anyway, we reviewed them last month and here’s your chance to win one (1) Wet Ones Kids Antibacterial Wipe.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Also, so that we don’t seem like comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Wet Ones” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on November 17, 2004. We will stop accepting entries on November 21, 2004 at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person.

Entries will be stuffed into a jar that used to hold mayonnaise and still smells like mayonnaise. Winning entries will be drawn from this jar and will probably smell like mayonnaise.

For those of you who’ve never won anything in your life, here’s your chance to finally boost your self-esteem and be a winner, like all the competitors at the Special Olympics.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about Levitra or getting a free iPod. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you loan offers or offers for DSL. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Item: Mountain Dew LiveWire
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s good. Orangy. Same amount of caffeine as regular MD, but not as good as regular MD. Makes me want to be xtreme.
Cons: Limited edition. Causes me to incorrectly spell the word “extreme.”

Sometimes it sucks having The Impulsive Buy Laboratory on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Why?

(1) Can’t jump into The Impulsive Buy Mobile and take a long road trip, unless we want to circle the island a few times. (2) We sometimes get new products slightly later than everyone else.

This was the case with the new Limited Edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

Kelly, an occasional Impulsive Buy reader, asked us if we had a chance to try the new variation of Mountain Dew. We told her no and she immediately started rubbing that fact into our face.

The taunting started with emails that contained lines like, “Nanny, nanny. Boo, boo. No Pitch Black for you.” Later she started emailing us pictures of her drinking Pitch Black. Then she sent us a picture of her standing in front of a refrigerated case stocked with Pitch Black and giving us the finger. That was the last straw and we frantically attempted to find some, but we couldn’t find any.

This taunting went on for a week. Finally, the national convenience store chain down the street got their stock of Pitch Black.

After trying it, it was time for our revenge on Kelly, which involved rolls of toilet paper and rotten raw eggs. Unfortunately, she lives in the state of Washington. So we can add one more reason why it sometimes sucks having The Impulsive Buy Laboratory in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(3) Can’t get revenge on those who live in the Continental United States.

As for the Mountain Dew Pitch Black, it’s pretty good, now that we finally got to try it.

What makes it black is the blast of black grape, which also makes it grapey. (Holy crap! “Grapey” is an actual word! We thought we were making up a new word.) It was good to drink a grape soda again, because it’s been awhile since anyone of us drank one. (Does anyone even make grape sodas?)

We feel Pitch Black is just as good as the other Mountain Dew flavors, like LiveWire, Code Red, and the original Mountain Dew. Or maybe that’s the caffeine talking.

If there was one disappointment, it would be the fact that Pitch Black really isn’t black. If you look at it in the light, you will see it really is purple or plum-colored, if you will. However, it is definitely blacker than Michael Jackson.

While we’re on the subject of things that are scary, Mountain Dew Pitch Black will only be around until Halloween. So get yours now.

As for Kelly, she’ll get hers someday, if you know what we mean.

Item: Limited Edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew.
Cons: Not really pitch black, more like purple. Wish it wasn’t limited edition. Wasted a good carton of eggs. At least we can still use the toilet paper.