Ah, the watermelon. Citrullus lanatus. The Summer Mistress. The Red Witch. Queen of the Fireflies. The Seedy Lady. The Damsel of Rind Street.

No matter which name you grew up using, Her Watery Majesty never fails to call to mind the carefree days of summer and youth well spent. Hot dogs, Slip ‘N Slides, sandy beaches and the unattainable girl I was in love with who lived next to my grandparents. Sigh. I’m not sure any fruit is more imbued with the power of nostalgia than the humble watermelon.

So with summer drawing to a humid close, let us not forget what the summer of 2012 has brought us. You can proudly tell your future grandchildren that you were at home watching with bated breath the night Michael Phelps did all of those important swimming things that he did. You can tell them that, yes, you camped out in the midnight line for Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection.

And, while nestled cozily in your underground cavern, you can explain to them that you stayed up late to watch the U.S. land the robot on Mars that would ultimately lead to the Martian invasion that nearly eradicated the human race.

It’s been an exciting few months.

And to mark all of these historic occasions, the Japanese arm of Pepsi has released their latest limited time only summer flavor, Salty Watermelon.

I’ve only had one experience with a Japanese Pepsi product and that was with their Pepsi Pink, a strawberry and milk flavored beverage that was released late in 2011. The name Pepsi Pink was a little misleading, as the drink itself was a unique soda entity that didn’t really retain any of the original Pepsi properties.

Pepsi Salty Watermelon is more true to its moniker. Upon opening the bottle, the first thing that surprised me was its nosegrope. There seemed to be some remnant of the original namesake beverage. I could detect both Pepsi and watermelon. The watermelon scent was not overpowering, but smelled a little like the artificial watermelon flavor found in so many hard candies (Jolly Ranchers, et al). But just a little.

That’s really what I was expecting this to be. Just a very sweet, very candy watermelon soda. But it’s not at all. I could still taste Pepsi. Actually, I tasted mostly Pepsi. The watermelon flavor that is weaved in is surprisingly subtle and only really makes its mark after you swallow, and then most strongly if you open your mouth to breathe. The watermelon is almost an afterthought. And it doesn’t taste like Jolly Ranchers at all, but is a pretty good approximation of actual watermelon.

The soda is also not very sweet. I don’t think I’d call it salty, but the sweetness has been scaled back considerably. It’s also very finely carbonated and has a fairly dry finish. Overall, it definitely drinks like a beverage for adults. A lot of forethought and restraint went into this drink. A sugary candy explosion it is not.

I like the bottle design. Can’t go wrong with a watermelon and a beach. And I am a fan of the slender bottles used in Japan. The color of Pepsi Salty Watermelon leaves a little to be desired though. It’s not quite watermelon red. Just sort of pinkish, I guess. But who cares? Close enough.

This is an interesting beverage. It’s not at all what I was expecting. Pepsi Japan continues to offer the world an interesting array of seasonal flavors while we in the U.S. continue to chug the same old same old. Sigh.

Pick up a bottle of Pepsi Salty Watermelon if you can. It’s good. And hurry up, the stupid fall is right around the corner.

(Thanks to wonderful Impulsive Buy reader Michele for sending us bottles of Pepsi Salty Watermelon from Japan.)

(Nutrition Facts – 100 ml – 42 kcal, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of fat, 19 milligrams of sodium, 10.5 grams of carbohydrates.)

Other Pepsi Salty Watermelon reviews:
Kotaku
Reroute
Japanator

Item: Pepsi Salty Watermelon (Japan)
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 490 mL
Purchased at: Somewhere in Japan 
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Watermelonic accuracy. Restraint. Yellow plastic and garden hoses. Making up nicknames for fruit.
Cons: You’ll probably never get to try it. Martian invasions. Lost loves named Lindsey.

Are you an extreme designated driver?

If you are, Mountain Dew has a soda that will satisfy your malt-craving taste buds, but do so without any alcohol to impair your judgement. And, as with all Mountain Dew varieties, it has the extreme caffeine (73 milligrams per 16-ounce serving to be exact) to keep you alert during your late night of barhopping with friends so that you can make sure none of them go home with someone they’ll regret in the morning and you’ll be quick enough to pull back the hair of your female friends in time as they throw up on the way home.

That soda, my sober comrade, is Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold. So you can Dew this Dew and still Dew your Dewty to Dewrive your Dewdes and Dewdetts to their Dewplexes after a night of Dewunken Dewbauchery.

Johnson City Gold is named after the birthplace of original Mountain Dew — Johnson City, Tennessee. And, while we’re on the subject of Mountain Dew’s history, did you know Mountain Dew was originally slang for moonshine? And, while we’re on the subject of slang, according to Urban Dictionary, Mountain Dew, today, is slang for the sweat stains under one’s breasts. Although, now that I know Mountain Dew was slang for moonshine and is slang for breast sweat stains, perhaps a more appropriate name for sweaty breasts is boobshine. Just throwing that out there.

Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold tastes like someone mixed Heineken beer and lemon-lime soda. The malty flavor stands out, and might be mistaken for beer, but it’s significantly less bitter than beer. The citrus flavor is noticeable throughout each swig, but more so towards the end. The combination of malt and citrus in a soda sounds like it should be horrible, and I thought Johnson City Gold was going to be revolting, but, after tasting it, I have to say it’s surprisingly tasty. It’s more malty than Mountain Dewy, so if you’re expecting the usual Mountain Dew derivative, your taste buds will be surprised.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this review, Johnson City Gold may taste and smell like beer, but it’s void of any alcohol. Think of it as a non-alcoholic Four Loko. So anyone with enough money and a mouth can buy and drink it. According to news posts I’ve read, PepsiCo executives said malt-flavored beverages are popular in Latin America and the Middle East, and they’re hoping it catches on here in the U.S. But I don’t know if Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold is good enough to make that happen. I like it, but it’s such a unique soda flavor that I don’t think it’ll be a runaway success.

While its flavor impressed me, the fact that a major soda company released a malt-flavored soda has got me really, really excited. I’ve complained a couple of times about the fact that Pepsi in Japan has come out annually with unique limited edition flavors, but here in the United States the flavor choices are less daring. Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold gives me hope that we’ll see more creative soda flavors on U.S. store shelves in the near future.

(Note: Johnson City Gold is now available in select Kroger stores across the Midwest. It will be available in Denver, Colo. and Charlotte, N.C. 7-Eleven stores starting September 1. A nationwide rollout isn’t happening until 2013 and the product will have different names, depending on the region. If you’re wondering where to find Johnson City Gold, here’s a list of stores carrying it. Thanks Mike N.)

(Disclosure: We received free Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold samples from PepsiCo. As you can see, we didn’t get the final production cans with artwork. Instead we received sample cans.)

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 230 calories, 80 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, and 61 grams of sugar.)

Other Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold reviews:
BevReview
Food Junk

Item: Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from PepsiCo
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. 73 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Perfect malt-flavored beverage for designated drivers. People who live in cities that will be selling Johnson City Gold. Gives me hope there will be more unusual flavors from PepsiCo. Non-alcoholic. The third paragraph of this review.
Cons: Won’t be available nationwide until 2013. If you dislike beer, you will not like this. Awesome source of sugar. Non-alcoholic. Citrus flavor could’ve been a little more pronounced.

Update: Click here to read our Mountain Dew Johnson City Gold review

Johnson City Gold is the latest beverage from Mountain Dew, but it’s not like the Mountain Dew flavors we’re all used to. It’s malt-flavored. But before you alcoholics get excited, it’s also non-alcoholic.

So what’s up with Johnson City in its name? Mountain Dew got its start Johnson City, Tennessee. So sorry, Johnson City, Kansas; Johnson City, New York; Johnson City, Oregon; and Johnson City, Texas, it’s not named after any of you.

The “first batch” of Johnson City Gold will be available later this month for a limited time in select Kroger stores across the Midwest, and in 7-Eleven stores in the test markets of Denver, Colorado and Charlotte, North Carolina starting September 1, 2012. The “second batch” will be available everyone in the U.S., but not until 2013. Although, before the second batch is shipped, you’ll probably find entrepreneurial souls on eBay who would be willing to ship a can to anywhere else in the U.S. for an inflated price.

Before the second batch is released, you can re-name the product and re-design its packaging to best represent one of six regions in the U.S. – South, Southwest, Northwest, Northeast, Great Plains and Great Lakes. Yup, just those regions, so Dew fans in Hawaii and Alaska can suck it!

Oh wait, I’m a Dew fan in Hawaii.

From August 9-16, fans are encouraged to suggest a name that would best represent a malt-flavored DEW tailor-made for their region of the country. One product name, per region, per day, can be submitted, names will be voted on by fans, and finalists will win custom-made gear featuring their suggested product name. From September 19 – October 10, artists can upload label designs that represent the fan favorite product names. Winners will each be awarded a digital camera, with a chance to see their design commercialized in 2013. Go to the Your Malt Dew website to enter your suggestions.

If you’re one of the lucky folks to get your hands on Johnson City Gold, let us know what you think of it in the comments below.

Crystal Pepsi must be jealous of the reduced sugar Pepsi Next. During its year of existence, Pepsi never released other Crystal Pepsi flavors. Diet Crystal Pepsi doesn’t count.

But the reduced calorie Pepsi Next has been around for just four months and it already has two new varieties — Cherry Vanilla and Paradise Mango.

I know that probably would make Crystal Pepsi so mad it would want to pop its top, but it would struggle to do so because, after 20 years, all its carbonation is gone. Well, at least there is some love for Crystal Pepsi, in the form of a disorganized effort to bring it back via numerous Facebook fan pages.

Cherry vanilla is a flavor we’ve seen before from Pepsi. Remember Pepsi Cherry Vanilla and Diet Pepsi Cherry Vanilla? You don’t? Well, the Internet does and so do I. Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla smells more like Pepsi Vanilla than Pepsi Wild Cherry, but in my mouth the vanilla and cherry flavors are equally balanced. Because of that, it has a milder cherry flavor than Pepsi Wild Cherry. There’s a slight artificial sweetener aftertaste, but it’s far less harsh than Diet Pepsi.

As for Pepsi Next Paradise Mango, its aroma didn’t register as mango to my nose, instead it smelled more like apricots. Because of my past experiences with mango flavored beverages, I presumed this soda was going to have an extremely artificial mango flavor, but I was pleasantly surprised that wasn’t the case. I don’t know how the mad scientists at Pepsi did it, but they created a cola with a nearly authentic mango flavor. I say, “nearly” because its aftertaste is a bit artificial and the soda as a whole becomes a little more unnatural tasting the warmer it gets.

Now this is the part of the review where I bring up aspartame and high fructose corn syrup. Just like regular Pepsi Next, both of these flavors contain the sweeteners. If the comments in our original Pepsi Next review are any indication, people have strong negative opinions about them and they like to share those opinions with other people. For those of you who don’t want to look back through the 100+ comments, here’s what I vaguely remember the comment thread looked like.

Commenter #1: “Aspartame is evil!”

Commenter #2: “High fructose corn syrup is making everyone fat! It’s evil!”

Commenter #1: “No, aspartame is evil!”

Commenter #2: “No, HFCS is evil!”

Commenter #1: “ASPARTAME!”

Commenter #2: “HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!”

Commenter #1: “Oh my God, you’re so hot when you’re angry! Let’s make out!”

Commenter #2: “Okay!”

Commenter #1: “Mmmmm.”

Commenter #2: “Mmmmm.”

Commenter #1: “Oooh baby, you have a fine, tight aspartame.”

Yup, I believe the comments went something like that.

Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla & Pepsi Next Paradise Mango are both really good. I want to say they’re a step above regular Pepsi Next, but that could be my taste buds talking who are slightly tired of Pepsi Next since I’ve been drinking a lot of it over the past few months. These two new Pepsi Next flavors should continue to make Crystal Pepsi jealous because they’re good enough to ensure the Pepsi Next line will exist longer than Crystal Pepsi did.

Disclosure: We received free Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla & Pepsi Next Paradise Mango samples from the fine bubbly folks at Pepsi in order to do this review. They came in a nice plexiglass box with a beach scene at the bottom of it with real sand. To be honest, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the box.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 60 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Other Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla & Pepsi Next Paradise Mango reviews:
BevReview
Thirsty Dudes

Item: Pepsi Next Cherry Vanilla & Pepsi Next Paradise Mango
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from the folks at Pepsi
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cherry Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Paradise Mango)
Pros: If you enjoy Pepsi Next and your taste buds want more variety, these will do nicely. Less sugar than regular Pepsi. Equal balance of cherry and vanilla. Nearly authentic mango flavor. Going to be around longer than Crystal Pepsi.
Cons: 38 mg of caffeine per can. Slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Too many bring back Crystal Pepsi Facebook fan pages. Mango flavor becomes a little unnatural as the soda gets warmer. Those who hate aspartame and/or HFCS will not like it.

Like a vampire completely sucks the blood out of its victim, the Instagram Inkwell filter removes color from a photo, and Toddlers & Tiaras completely destroys my belief in humanity, Pepsi Black from Japan made my mouth feel like it was being completely robbed of its ability to taste.

Pepsi Black had a pleasant lemon aroma, and for a brief moment it tasted like a Diet Pepsi mixed with lemon cleaner. While its initial flavor sounds a little bad, what quickly followed was much worse.

I could describe Pepsi Black’s flavor as almost nothingness, but I could also say it’s as if Pepsi Japan figured out a way to bottle sadness and give it a flavor.

Thankfully, Pepsi Black’s bleak flavor disappeared soon after the liquid passed my oral cavity, but my taste buds experiencing sadness is a feeling they won’t soon forget.

So what makes the limited edition Pepsi Black taste more like Pepsi Bleck?

My guess is the fact that it’s a significantly reduced sugar cola. According to the bottle, it has 50 percent less sugar than regular Pepsi.

Using the power of mathematics, I calculated a 490 ml bottle of regular Pepsi in Japan has around 54-56 grams of sugar. So this Pepsi Black should have around 27-28 grams of sugar.

Because I can’t read Japanese, which makes my ancestors weep, I’m not sure if Pepsi Japan replaced the sugar with artificial sweeteners, but it doesn’t taste like they did. Since Pepsi Black tastes like depression, I wonder if they used artificial saddeners by mistake?

Pepsi Black is quite possibly the second worst soda that has ever passed through my parted lips, with Jones Bacon Soda being the worst. It’s not refreshing or tasty. Instead, it’s liquid depression.

(Nutrition Facts – 100 ml – 24 kcal, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of fat, 8 milligrams of sodium, 5.8 grams of carbohydrates, 5.6 grams of sugar.)

Item: Pepsi Black (Japan)
Purchased Price: Received as gift
Size: 490 ml
Purchased at: 7-Eleven Japan
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: 50 percent less sugar than regular Pepsi. Limited edition. Pleasant lemon aroma.
Cons: It’s taste more like Pepsi Bleck. Chemically lemon flavor, which was replaced by depressing nothingness. Not refreshing. Liquid depression. Not being able to read Japanese. Toddlers & Tiaras.

The new, limited time only Mountain Dew Dark Berry is Mountain Dew with a blast of mixed berry. I think it’s fitting that this new Mountain Dew is berry flavored because berry is the fruit of justice.

Actually, I’m not 100 percent sure berry is the fruit of justice. But, when I say, “berry is the fruit of justice” in Batman’s raspy voice, it makes it sound like it is. Although, now that I think about it, if I said, “kumquats are the fruits of justice” or “cherimoya is the fruit of justice” in Batman’s voice, they also sound legit.

Actually, I don’t think there is a fruit of justice. There’s the TV show Sword of Justice, the Super Friends’ Hall of Justice, King Henry I was known as the Lion of Justice, and there’s 1990 National League Rookie of the Year David Justice, but no fruit of justice. Well, berry should be the fruit of justice because berries and justice can both end up sweet or sour.

I should let you know I wrote the previous paragraphs with Christian Bale’s Batman voice in my head. Well, I think it’s Christian Bale’s Batman voice, because I kind of forgot what it sounds like. So instead of re-watching the Christopher Nolan Batman movies, I just did a mashup with Keanu Reeves’ voice from The Matrix with Nicolas Cage’s voice from any movie he’s been in.

Mountain Dew Dark Berry, or as the lazy bottle says, Mtn Dew Dark Berry, has a dark purple color, which is fitting because purple is the color of justice.

Okay, again, I’m not 100 percent sure purple is the color of justice, but it might be because purple is the color of Daphne’s dress in Scooby Doo, and Scooby Doo is all about justice. Yes, I’m totally stretching it, but I really wish this Dew was blue in color so I could say blue is the color of justice because it’s one of the siren light colors on top of cop cars.

Mountain Dew Dark Berry has a berry aroma and flavor very similar to Mountain Dew Voltage, the raspberry citrus-flavored Dew that won the first Dewmocracy. Although, Dark Berry is supposed to be mixed berry, it tastes mostly like raspberries and at times it reminds me of a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop. There’s also the obligatory citrus flavor in Mountain Dew Dark Berry, but it’s subDEWed.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

I like Mountain Dew Dark Berry because it has a pleasant, sweet berry flavor with a hint of citrus, and a decent amount of sweet, sweet caffeine (91 mg per 20-ounce bottle). But just like Batman is haunted by the images of his parents being murdered in front of him, I can’t get out of my mind that I’ve had this Mountain Dew flavor before.

(Disclosure: I received this bottle of Mountain Dew Dark Berry for free from the folks at Mountain Dew in order to review it. I should also disclose I’m Batman.)

(Nutrition Facts – 20 ounces – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 77 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mountain Dew Dark Berry
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Received from the folks at Mountain Dew
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice berry flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine. The rebooted Batman series. Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pops. Reading this review out loud using Christian Bale’s Batman voice.
Cons: Tastes too much like another Mountain Dew flavor. Might be too sweet for some. Remember that time Jim Carrey was The Riddler? The Dark Knight Rises is the last Christopher Nolan Batman movie.