The Impulsive Buy » Starbucks

WEEK IN REVIEWS – 12/31/2011

Marvo — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 10:00:00 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

No beverage can improve someone’s golf game. But I know having extramarital affairs with enough women to fill a bus and having to look into the eyes of a betrayed ex-wife and children can hurt someone’s golf game. (via Thirsty Dudes)

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal…understandable. Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal…I eat peanut butter on toast all the time. French Toast Crunch Cereal…of course. But now General Mills is just making shit up. (via Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp)

Hey, Starbucks! You offer your breakfast blend in VIA form, but how about making a special VIA morning blend for the I-Can’t-Believe-I-Had-A-One-Night-Stand-With-You crowd that’ll help us forget about it. (via Hot Ink Reviews)

Four words: Japanese hospital food review. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

I didn’t know potato, tortilla, and pita chips could be so festive. Maybe I’ll hang them on my Christmas tree next year. Or eat them while looking at my Festivus pole. (via Junk Food Guy)

I really wish these soylent green crackers were made from real humans. Because if they were, I wouldn’t have to hunt some random unsuspecting stranger walking alone in a shady part of town to be able to enjoy human flesh. (via Food Junk)

Image via flickr user GorillaGolfBlog / CC BY SA 2.0

REVIEW: Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix

Marvo — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 11:13:00 +0000

It’s around midnight and I’m writing this Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix review outside…topless.

Why am I outside in the middle of the night half naked? Because if I want to truly appreciate this Starbucks hot cocoa, I feel like I need to drink it in a cold environment, which is difficult when one lives on a tropical island and doesn’t have air conditioning at his place.

Although it’s the middle of the night and there’s a slight breeze, the weather is still in the mid to high 70s, hence the reason why I have no shirt on. I thought I would feel cooler if I took it off, but fripples have yet to form. So here I am standing outside with the moonlight reflecting off of my pale chest, making my torso glow like it’s a bodily fluid under a black light.

I would take off more clothing, but I haven’t done laundry in a long time, so the only item of clothing that prevents me from being completely nude are the cargo shorts I have on. Also, the glowing pale parts of my body seem to be attracting bugs, so if I were to take my shorts off, I would have bugs circling around my body’s airport control tower, which is something I do not want.

Speaking of things that are milky white, in order to make a cup of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, the instructions say eight ounces of hot milk are needed. However, I got tri-curious and made three different cups using low-fat milk, vanilla soy milk, and water.

If you don’t have milk or soy milk and you’re too lazy to get some, water will do in a pinch, but that’s like settling for QVC during primetime TV hours because the remote control is farther than an arms length away. If you’re going to make a cup of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, you’ve got to make it with milk or soy milk. Don’t settle for QVC.

When milk or soy milk is used, the Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa makes me forget about the bugs landing and taking off on my pale glowing body. The cocoa flavor is rich and much better tasting than what Swiss Miss and Nestle offers. However, it’s slightly gritty. The cocoa used is ethically sourced, so if you love responsible, sustainable cocoa farming (and who doesn’t), you’ll like the cocoa in these Starbucks packets.

The dehydrated marshmallows included aren’t your typical mini round dehydrated marshmallows found in other hot cocoa mixes. They’re much larger, handcrafted, and are more like small slabs of dehydrated marshmallows. They don’t melt away easily, but when they do they add a little vanilla flavor to the hot cocoa.

A box of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix is twice as expensive as a box of Swiss Miss or Nestle hot cocoa, but I don’t think it’s two times better tasting. It’s probably more like 1 1/2 times better. But, to be honest, if I were to find myself topless in the middle of Jack Frost’s wrath, I don’t think I would care about flavor. All I would probably care about is drinking anything hot and doing something to get rid of my fripples.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 envelope not prepared – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix
Price: $7.19
Size: 8 envelopes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better than Swiss Miss. Chocolatey. Small slabs of dehydrated marshmallows. Made with ethically sourced cocoa. Taking off clothing to thoroughly review a product.
Cons: Slightly gritty. Fripples. Twice as expensive as Swiss Miss. My pale body. When mixed with water. Taking off too much clothing to thoroughly review a product.

REVIEW: Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee

Marvo — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 00:42:19 +0000

I feel sorry for the Starbucks baristas out there who have to deal with complex drink orders from insane customers. They say the customer is always right, but those who order an iced ristretto 5-shot grande with 5/8 decaf, six ice cubes, 2-pumps sugar free caramel, 4-pumps caramel, soy, whole milk, extra whip, 12 Splenda, double cupped, and hand stirred to a temperature of 43 degrees have got to be wrong.

Do they feel like their complex order somehow makes them some kind of Starbucks alchemist?

Or are they trying to impress the people behind them in line with the fact that they know how to order something at Starbucks?

Or do they enjoy being a barista puppeteer, making Starbucks employees do their bidding with their purse strings?

You know what, Starbucks baristas? I’m your break from the batty bastards and bitches who order elaborate beverages, because from now on, when I roll into a Starbucks, I’m only there to either use the restroom, steal napkins, be creepy, or to pick up a pack of your new Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee, all of which don’t involve you lifting any of your well-worked fingers. I’m your coffee break, your latte lull, your ristretto recess, your half-caf hiatus, your Venti vacation, and your Asian persuasion.

Each packet of Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee is made up of microgrounded 100 percent natural roasted arabica beans, a little bit of caramel flavor, and cane sugar. This powdery partnership produces a Grande of iced coffee goodness, if you’re willing to do all of the following: measure 16 ounces of water, rip off the packet top, pour the contents of the packet into the 16 ounces of water, and then stir it until the powder dissolves.

Or if you have children, you can dress them up in a green Starbucks apron, tell them you’re “playing Starbucks,” and make them do all the work.

After tearing open a packet of Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee, it farts out a strong caramel aroma. That caramel aroma is also present after the powder is mixed with water. When I drink it, it starts off with a nice caramel flavor, which quickly gives way to the bitterness of the coffee. However, thanks to the caramel flavoring, I’m finding it much easier to drink than regular Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, which I usually sweeten with either a little more sugar or chocolate syrup.

I really enjoyed the regular Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, but I have to say I prefer this caramel version more. Adding a little vanilla soy milk makes it even better, although the caramel iced coffee already has 24 grams of sugar, so adding soy milk gives it a little more. While that may sound sweet, it’s not as sweet as I am for giving Starbucks baristas a quick breve breather from impossible drink orders by not ordering anything and just picking up a 5-pack of Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 packet – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee
Price: $5.95
Size: 5 pack
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Better tasting and easier to drink than regular Starbuck VIA Iced Coffee. Easy to make. Great with a little vanilla soy milk. Makes a Grande of iced coffee. Cheaper than ordering the same drink from Starbucks. Giving baristas a break from making complex drink orders from douchebags. Nice energy pick-me-up.
Cons: Might have too much sugar for those who care about consuming too much sugar. You have to stir or shake it yourself, unless you have children who can do it for you. Waiting in line behind someone who orders complex Starbucks drinks. At home, you have no access to the Starbucks bar.

NEWS: Take Work Away From Starbucks Baristas By Purchasing Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee

Marvo — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 12:27:21 +0000

Update: Click here to read our Starbucks VIA Caramel Iced Coffee review

Last year, Starbucks added an iced coffee version to their VIA instant coffee line and I wrote a review so positive that it makes me sound like ABC TV Minneapolis movie critic Rusty Gatenby who the said the following about Transformers: Dark of the Moon, “Biggest action movie of the summer? How about biggest action movie EVER!”

Sounds like someone wants to be quoted in a Transformers: Dark of the Moon commercial. Oh wait, he was.

Anyhoo, my positive review of Starbucks’ VIA Iced Coffee had me hoping for a sequel from them, and they delivered.

This week, the Giant Green Coffee Machine released a new iced coffee flavor — caramel. Just like the regular VIA Iced Coffee, Starbucks VIA Caramel Flavored Ice Coffee is made using “a special blend of medium roast coffee made from 100 percent high-quality arabica beans.”

Each VIA packet makes 16 fluid ounces of iced coffee.

Oh, wait. It’s Starbucks.

Each VIA packet makes a Grande of iced coffee.

Starbucks VIA Caramel Flavored Iced Coffee is available for a limited time in 5-packs at a suggested retail price of $5.95.

Image via flickr user IainBuchanan / CC BY 2.0

WEEK IN REVIEWS – 5/21/2011

Marvo — Sat, 21 May 2011 10:00:00 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Now that IHOP has frozen breakfast items, perhaps it’s time for Denny’s to flash freeze their Grand Slams. (via Freezer Burns and Foodette Reviews)

This is quite possibly the saddest looking sandwich I’ve ever seen. (via Tasty Lies)

Hmm…I wonder what’s more mood relaxing — drinking a Marley’s Mellow Mood Relaxation Beverage or pouring out the contents of a Marley’s Mellow Mood Relaxation Beverage, turning the can into a bong, and then smoking some weed from it. (via What I Drink At Work)

Starbucks’ Red Velvet Whoopie Pie sounds good. But is it good enough to make me tolerate waiting in a Starbucks line. (via Brand Eating)

To be perfectly honest, I started a frozen food review blog just so I could blurt out a legitimate reason for buying Kid Cuisine meals just in case someone ever asked me if I’m a pedofile when they see the lone Kid Cuisine meal in my shopping bag as I get into my ice cream truck. (via Freezer Aisle Files)

Image via flickr user SimonDoggett / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Starbucks Artisan Bacon, Egg & Gouda Breakfast Sandwich

Drew — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 11:12:41 +0000

As a non-coffee drinker, I’ve never had a particularly close relationship with Starbucks. I know many of you reading this have connected with them in a deep, meaningful way I’ll never truly understand, like the bond between a man and his dog, or occasionally his wife. I admire that, but there’s no reason for me to pay three dollars for a small hot chocolate when Swiss Miss is free at work. (With OR without marshmallows!) That being said, I don’t have anything against Starbucks, beyond the vaguely sinister-looking logo. Their willingness to keep charging high prices in the midst of a massive recession was ballsy to the point of being almost endearing, and they really know how to tie a Barnes & Noble together.

So when they recently began offering Artisan breakfast sandwiches, I seized on it as a way to join the java junkies and really get the full Starbucks experience. There are currently two varieties of sandwiches — I chose Bacon, Egg & Gouda because the soul is what makes it taste good, but those who claim dominion over plants but not yummy, yummy animals have their own option with Veggie, Egg, & Monterey Jack. Vegans, sorry to say, are S.O.L.; apparently that’s a demographic Starbucks feels they can do without, at least until they roll out their Lentils, Gravel & Soy sandwich next quarter. What makes it “Artisan” is the use of fresh ciabatta bread, which has the dual quality of being fun to say and automatically adding a dollar to the price.

All kidding aside, the bread IS good. I would’ve been fine with just a biscuit because that’s the kind of low-brow guy I am, but it smells delicious and manages to be crispy but not hard on the outside and soft on the inside. You may rest assured your barista isn’t just slapping some stale wonder bread left over from her kid’s lunch on your plate. (Well, maybe yours is. Perhaps you should consider tipping more than a buck every third visit, hmm?) It’s also offset well by the bacon, which isn’t spilling out every side but still manages to seem pretty plentiful. That’s key, because a common lament of food that aspires toward being more gourmet (even just a little) is that they tend to bolster the quality of the ingredients at the expense of quantity, with meat often being the first casualty. You’re not going to feel like you’re eating a whole pig, but he’ll know you were there, by God.

The cheese also comes through in a big way, partnering with the bacon to make your mouth salivate even as somewhere the Grim Reaper knocks another three pegs off your “Days ’till first heart attack” tally. If any element is underrepresented, it would have to be the egg. There’s nothing wrong with it, it just doesn’t pack nearly the smell or the taste of its more aggressive sandwich-mates. And you can’t really blame this on Starbucks (okay, maybe the barista), but when I broke it in half, all of the bacon and most of the egg ended up on one side, which is kind of like having a rollicking threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Cloris Leachman — yes, technically it’s still a threesome, but you’re really better off just splitting the difference.

A final word of caution — the pictures make it hard to judge scale, but these are not massive sandwiches. The bread is roughly five by five inches, so think of it more as a tasty mini-meal to help you power through a morning of inane coworker babble, rather than something that’s going to enable you to skip lunch. (That’s what the schnapps in your lower left desk drawer is for. Don’t worry, your boss doesn’t know. Yet.) If it were a little larger and a little cheaper I’d be able to recommend it even more highly, but as is, it’s still delicious. Anyone used to paying Starbucks prices already probably won’t mind, but if you’re strictly a Dunkin’ Donuts kind of person, this is not the largest quantity of food you could get for your money. Though from what I understand, pairing it with a 12-ounce coffee will net you a pretty good discount on both, so… yep, hosed again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 350 calories, 18 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 17 grams of protein.)

Item: Starbucks Artisan Bacon, Egg & Gouda Breakfast Sandwich
Price: $3.45 ($3.95 w/ 12 oz. coffee)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Non-coffee drinkers have a reason to visit Starbucks. Enhancing Barnes & Nobles. Sandwich options for both conscienceless murderers and hippie wimps. Smells as good as it tastes. Does not skimp on bacon. Hiding booze at work.
Cons: Illuminati logo. Vegans shafted again. Damn well better be gourmet for what you’re paying. Gross threesomes. Only a full breakfast if you weigh 110 pounds.

NEWS: Starbucks New Trenta Size To Make Long Company Meeting Attendees Regret Ordering It

Marvo — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 21:00:04 +0000

You won’t be able to get hot Starbucks coffee in the new 31-ounce Trenta size, just iced coffee, iced tea and iced tea lemonade drinks. Yes, that’s a lot of iced coffee, iced tea or iced tea lemonade to drink. So if you’re planning to tackle a Trenta when it comes to your town, might I suggest training your bladder until then with 32-ounce Big Gulps.

The Trenta is seven ounces larger than Starbucks’ previous largest size — the Venti. Moving up in size and expanding your bladder a bit more will cost about 50 cents more than the Venti.

The Trenta size will debut today in 14 states, including this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and in California on February 1. (Updated: It appears the Trenta cups haven’t arrived to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Stupid ships!) Starbucks will roll out the bladder-busting size in all of its coffee shops by May 3.

Image via flickr user rudolf_schuba / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Starbucks VIA Ready Brew Vanilla Flavored Coffee

Kelley — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 10:00:23 +0000

People love to hate Starbucks. If you choose to believe the haters, Starbucks is Big Brother, has committed genocide on hundreds of small business coffee shops, and will single-handedly destroy the planet. Anyone who purchases coffee from Starbucks is a soulless yuppy who will rot in sheeple hell.

I have to admit, I get a little bitter (Coffee pun? You decide!) when I think about Starbucks putting mom ‘n’ pop coffee shops out of business. I also have to admit, Starbucks makes some damn delicious coffee. Fortunately, I am not a yuppy (although I may be soulless), and my bank account dictates where I purchase my coffee, which means I get it pre-ground in a bag from the grocery store.

There are other coffee options other than buying it from a coffee shop and brewing your own at home. One of those options is instant coffee. Starbucks already offers pre-ground bags of their coffee, and now they’re shoving their noses into the instant coffee market. Starbucks wants to make sure that no matter how you like your coffee, you’re going to be drinking their coffee. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia.

So they launched a new line of instant coffee called VIA. It made me wonder: what are the benefits of instant coffee? To whom are instant coffee manufacturers marketing? I posited this question to a group of friends and got these answers:

1. People who like bad things
2. People without coffeemakers
3. Extremely lazy people
4. One guy’s grandma who isn’t a coffee snob who only wanted a single cup of coffee while only getting one dish dirty
5. People who are camping
6. People who are only interested in coffee for its medicinal qualities and don’t have the need or patience for a good cup of it

I will grant answer five as completely valid. Four and six, go buy one of those little one-cup or four-cup coffeemakers. I was the only coffee drinker in my household growing up. I resorted to instant for a little while, then grew tired of the lack of quality and bothered my parents until they bought me a little coffeemaker. Three minutes of effort and waiting were well worth it. Answers one through three are just unacceptable. Okay, maybe number one has some legs. If you enjoy being constantly disappointed, please, have a cup of instant coffee with your bowl of off-brand corn flakes and a side of already-cooked microwave bacon. It takes all kinds.

So has Starbucks transformed instant coffee into a valid form of caffeine consumption? We shall see.

VIA comes in several different iterations. There are different roasts, decaf, iced, and also flavored varieties. I can’t say I’ve ever known someone who drank black instant coffee, so I went with a flavored version. I chose Vanilla, but there’s also Caramel, Cinnamon Spice, and Mocha.

Making Starbucks VIA Ready Brew couldn’t be easier. It’s so easy, they don’t even need to more than two words in the instructions on the back of the package. When I tore open the flavor packet and dumped the contents into my mug, I was immediately met with the smell of vanilla flavoring. It actually filled my entire kitchen. After bringing a small amount of water to a low boil, I measured out eight ounces and poured it into my mug with the flavor powder waiting patiently at the bottom. I was surprised at how fast it dissolved; it only took a few stirs to transform it into a smooth, dark liquid that looked just like brewed coffee. I was also surprised at how dark it was, until I remembered that this is flavored coffee, not a fancy Vente latte with soy milk, two shots of espresso, extra foam and whipped cream. I can’t think Starbucks without imagining an overcomplicated coffee beverage that has more components than ordering a burger at Five Guys.

So how does Starbucks VIA stack up to a cup of brewed coffee? Well, I think my friends left one thing off the list: the office workplace. I have worked at several different office environments, and the coffee has always been notoriously awful. I don’t know what it is about office coffee, but it always blows. It’s like the office itself sucks all the soul out of the coffee, much in the same manner it sucks the soul out of all the cubicle monkeys working there. Since VIA comes in individual packets and many office water coolers have a hot water option, I could actually see VIA being a VIAble (sorry) alternative to disgusting office coffee.

That said, VIA is still instant coffee, and for some reason all instant coffee has a slightly off taste. I suppose you could say that instant coffee is to coffee what a banana Runt is to a banana. They share a similar taste, but you could tell blindfolded what’s the imitator and what’s the real deal. I enjoyed the vanilla flavoring; it was strong but not cloying, sweet without being so sugary it made me feel ill. The coffee takes a background to the vanilla, but it remains as rich as you can get out of powdered coffee.

So, has Starbucks revolutionized the instant coffee industry? In my opinion, no, but I’d put VIA a cut above other instant coffees I’ve tasted. I don’t know if you can ever really nail the flavor of a fresh pot of coffee in powdered form, but VIA manages to inject some richness into their product, and they didn’t step over the line with the sugar or the vanilla flavoring. Coming in individual packets is a big bonus; if you’ve got hot water, you’ve got coffee, and there’s something to be said for that. One real obstacle that VIA has is pricing. I bought a box of six packets for $6.95; at a little over a dollar a pouch, that certainly beats the price of a Vente mocha latte, but can’t compete with brewing your own coffee and investing in a travel mug.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 packet (16g) – 60 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Starbucks VIA Ready Brew Vanilla Flavored Coffee
Price: $6.95
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A step above other instant coffees. Five Guys burgers. Easy to transport anywhere. Nice vanilla taste. Friends with questionably useful suggestions.
Cons: Way more expensive than brewing your own coffee. Soulless yuppies. Still has that instant coffee flavor. Already-cooked microwave bacon. Encourages lazy coffee drinkers.

REVIEW: Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee

Marvo — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 10:31:03 +0000

Update: Click here to read our review of the caramel version

There’s only one problem with the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee — I can’t watch a cute barista make it for me.

Unless I steal a Starbucks employee apron and make one for myself in front of a mirror; or I kidnap a cute Starbucks employee and have her brew one for me.

If I do decide to abduct a hot barista, I won’t have her captive for long because making a Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee is quick and extremely simple. All the barista would have to do is rub the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. Oh wait, I meant to write, it pours the packet into 16 ounces of cold water, stirs and then adds in ice cubes, up to four, or else it gets the hose once more.

When I made one myself, I had to vigorously stir for about 45 seconds to completely dissolve the coffee. You can also pour the packet into a bottle of water and shake it like you’re trying to get rid of your flabby underarms with a Shake Weight.

Each packet contains instant and microground arabica coffee and cane sugar, and it’s bigger than the original Starbucks VIA instant hot coffee packet. I didn’t know anything about arabica coffee, so I decided to do a quick Wikipedia search.

I discovered the coffee gets its name because it’s indigenous to the mountains of Yemen in the Arabian Peninsula, and not from one of the places the Beach Boys sang of in their song “Kokomo.” However, while it originates from Yemen, the arabica coffee is from Colombia.

The flavor of the iced coffee tastes almost like the Colombia Starbucks VIA Ready Brew, which is also made with arabica coffee. However, unlike the hot version, the iced version is lightly sweetened with cane sugar, which made it easier for me to drink. Of course, you can add any amount of your favorite sweetener to it or perhaps pour milk from your favorite animal teat. So far, I prefer mine with an ounce of vanilla milk from a soy teat.

I’m surprised by how much I enjoyed the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, because I’m not much of a coffee drinker. It doesn’t have a bold flavor, which if it did, would probably turn me off, instead it’s quite smooth and refreshing. And it also gave me a nice energy boost. Go coffee!

I see myself buying the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee on a regular basis because I’m getting Starbucks iced coffee without the Starbucks iced coffee price. Sure, it would be nice if a cute barista also came inside the box and if I didn’t have to wait for water to freeze before I can put ice cubes in it, but I really love its combination of flavor, price, the fact it’s easy to make and its versatility. Since I’m able to add whatever I want, I could mix the instant iced coffee with chocolate sauce, milk and ice in a blender and make myself a mocha Frappuccino.

Or kidnap a cute Starbucks barista to make it for me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 packet (13.3 grams) – 50 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein)

Read other Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee reviews:
Drink What
Orange County Register
Pulpconnection
Possessed by Caffeine
Coffee Cup News (YouTube)
Wandering Foodie (YouTube)

Item: Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee
Price: $5.95
Size: 5-pack
Purchased at: A Starbucks inside of a Safeway that’s inside of a shopping center
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Inexpensive when compared with regular Starbucks. Easy to drink. Lightly sweetened. Easy to make. Versatile. Gave me a boost of energy. Shake Weight commercials.
Cons: Takes a lot of vigorous stirring to make the coffee dissolve completely. Doesn’t come with a cute barista. Coffee purists may not like it. Waiting for water to freeze. Kidnapping people.

REVIEW: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

Marvo — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 02:54:18 +0000

As a place that is known for its calorie-filled coffee concoctions, I wasn’t surprised that Starbucks has their own line of calorie-filled coffee ice cream concoctions, although these pints of ice cream can’t be bought in one of the dozens of Starbucks locations within a 10 miles radius of you.

The new Starbucks Ice Cream line replaces the old Starbucks Ice Cream line made by Dreyer’s and features milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It comes in four different flavors and I chose the plain ol’ coffee flavor because I wasn’t feeling very adventurous at the time of purchase to try any of the other flavors — caramel macchiato, mocha frappuccino and java chip frappuccino — all of which are apparently brought to us by the letter O.

The Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream is made up of coffee and espresso ice creams. If you look closely at it you can see the swirls the two ice creams make and if you listen very carefully to the ice cream you might be able to hear the sounds of jazz or easy listening music playing, just like you’re sitting in a Starbucks location.

To be honest, I’ve consumed more water out of a rusty pipe than Starbucks coffee (although some people might say they taste the same), so I can’t tell you if the ice cream tastes similar to its insulated cupped brethren. But I do know that I’ve had better tasting coffee ice cream. While it has an adequate coffee flavor, it isn’t as creamy or as rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had in the past, like the Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. Perhaps the use of espresso ice cream is the reason for that or maybe the it’s the “Starbucks Coffee Concentrate” that’s listed among the ice cream’s ingredients, which sounds like something Starbucks should start selling in a cup — straight up.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

(Note: Gigi tried the Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino ice cream.)

Item: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It’s size is one pint, unlike Haagen Dazs. The number of Starbucks locations.
Cons: Not as creamy or rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had. Drinking out of a rusty pipe. Falling asleep to the music played in a Starbucks. Starbucks Coffee Concentrate sounds scary. The number of Starbucks locations.

NEWS: Starbucks Goes Donald Trump On Old Ice Cream Line And Replaces It With Younger Ice Cream Line

Marvo — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 10:00:24 +0000

Starbucks recently launched a new super-premium ice cream in flavors that will be familiar to those Starbucks junkies who know the coffee giant’s menu better than the back of their hand. Of course, for those addicts it’s hard to see the back of their hand without spilling the Starbucks coffee it’s holding.

The new, perky ice cream line replaces the old, saggy ice cream line made by Dreyer’s. Unilever will produce it and make the ice cream with milk that’s free of recombinant bovine growth hormone (rBGH), just like Ben & Jerry’s — another company under the Unilever umbrella.

Again, if you have Starbucks running through your veins and exiting you through your urethra, the flavors that make up the new ice cream line will be familiar to you:

Caramel Macchiato – Swirled coffee and vanilla ice creams with ribbons of golden caramel.

Mocha Frappuccino – Swirled coffee and chocolate ice creams.

Java Chip Frappuccino – Coffee ice cream with dark chocolaty chunks.

Coffee – Swirled coffee and espresso ice creams.

Pints will be available at your favorite grocer, convenience store or superstore monstrosity for a suggested retail price of $3.99.

(Update: Read our review of the coffee flavor here.)

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink

Marvo — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 12:20:01 +0000

As I type this, my heart is beating faster than usual.

It could be the 146 milligrams of caffeine I just consumed with the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Or it could be the alluring eyes and flowing hair of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo that is making my heart flutter and drawing me towards her to, perhaps, lead me to my watery grave or to wait in line at one of her stores to spend five dollars on a coffee made lovingly by a cute barista named Jennifer.

No! I must not give into her come-hither looks or else I will either end up in Davy Jones’s Locker or waste ten minutes of my life waiting in line listening to compilations of musicians that I have never heard of for a cup of coffee or a bottle Ethos Water.

Why, twin-tailed siren, must the company you represent make delicious, pricey coffee beverages? Why couldn’t you have represented a company that I wouldn’t have any contact with, like an inferior fish company on the East Coast or Circuit City?

I consumed an entire can of the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Does my ingestion of a creamy Starbucks product not satisfy you, she-fish? I even enjoyed it and it gave me such a good boost of energy that if there was a rickshaw nearby, I would be pulling it to wherever the caffeine, guarana, ginseng, and B Vitamins desired.

The red cinnamon and white vanilla made it feel like someone was celebrating Christmas in my mouth. It had a nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, but together they did not make the coffee flavor their bitch, unlike what you’re doing to me with your cleavage between your flowing locks. I think they’re natural, but I must not look to find out if they’re real or else you will lure me into the underwater world of Snorkland or convince me purchase a Starbucks Rewards Card so that I can get two free consecutive hours of Wi-Fi every day.

What will it take for you to leave me alone and not convince me to drink more of your caffeinated beverages today, Starbucks logo? Tell me, fair maiden, so that I may bid you adieu.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 200 calories, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 770 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 50% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, 20% Vitamin D, 200% Riboflavin, 200% Niacin, 200% Vitamin B6, 100% Vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 90 milligrams of guarana.)

(Editor’s Note: Look for this flavor in stores sometime in February. Thanks to the nice PR folks who sent this to us. Also, we reviewed the original Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drinks last year.)

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Size: 15 ounces
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s like Christmas in my mouth. Nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, which doesn’t overpower the coffee. 146 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine gave me a good boost. No high fructose corn syrup. The Snorks.
Cons: Pricey (but isn’t everything from Starbucks). It’s 15 ounces and not 16 ounces. The alluring eyes, flowing hair, and cleavage of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo. Ending up in Davy Jones’s Locker.

Starbucks Vivanno Nourishing Blends

Marvo — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:11:18 +0000

Oh yeah, Ms. Starbucks Barista. I see you flashing your smile at me, even though I’m in the back of this line that’s ten people deep and I’m partially hidden behind the rack of CDs I would never purchase for myself, but if you want, I could purchase one just for you, even though you probably have an employee discount and you don’t buy CDs anymore since you buy all your music on iTunes.

I originally came to Starbucks for one thing, the new Starbucks Vivanno Nourishing Blends…actually, I take that back, I came for two things since these new smoothies come in two flavors, Orange Mango Banana and Banana Chocolate, but now I’m here for three things, an Orange Mango Banana Vivanno, a Banana Chocolate Vivanno, and your heart.

Oooh, you’re so hot. You put the “hot” in hot chocolate. You put the “cha” in chai and mocha. I just want to take one of these Ethos Water bottles and pour it all over you to cool you down. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it later…with some sweet lovin’. Speaking of things involving long objects, each Vivanno includes one whole banana. The Orange Mango Banana version also includes all-natural mango orange juice, whey protein, fiber powder, 2% milk, and ice, while the Banana Chocolate has bittersweet cocoa, 2% milk, whey protein, fiber powder, and ice.

Thank you for blending these Vivanno for me. You look sexy in that green apron you have on. Maybe you’ll get the opportunity to tie me up or strangle me with it. Speaking of overwhelming, the banana flavor was quite so in both Vivanno flavors.

But alas, you and I, sexy barista, weren’t meant to be. My heart skipped a beat when you called out my name because it made me feel special that you knew my name, but you only knew because it was written on the side of the cups and not because you made every effort to sneak a peek at my name on my American Express Blue card. I also knew you and I weren’t meant to be, because both the Vivanno you blended for me weren’t very good.

The Banana Chocolate Vivanno had a decent chocolate flavor, which wasn’t too sweet and reminded me of chocolate milk. The Orange Mango Banana Vivanno reminded me of an Orange Julius, except not as orangey. The Banana Chocolate one was kind of chalky due to the whey protein powder and it didn’t have the thickness of a smoothie, like those at Jamba Juice, instead it was watery and didn’t have those ice crystals which give real smoothies a satisfying crunch. The Orange Mango Banana one was bland and also watery. I wish you put more crushed ice in there, but I guess you don’t love me enough to do so.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – Orange Mango Banana – 250 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, 35% Vitamin A, 35% Vitamin C, 10% Calcium, 4% Iron, 0 milligrams of caffeine, and 10-15 minutes of waiting depending on length of line to barista. Banana Chocolate – 270 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 21 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 15% Vitamin C, 20% Calcium, 15% Iron, 15 milligrams of caffeine, and 1 ounce tears of disappointment.)

(Editor’s Note: Here are other opinions from Serious Eats, Slashfood, and Food-Notes. Also, thanks to Eric for suggesting today’s product.)

Item: Starbucks Vivanno
Price: $3.75 (16 ounces – grande)
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: A serving of fruit. If you like bananas, the banana flavor was strong in both of them. Under 270 calories. Vitamins and minerals. Fiber. Protein. Hot baristas.
Cons: One size only. Watery, not smoothie-like. Banana Chocolate one had a slightly chalky texture to it. Needed more crushed ice. Orange Mango Banana was bland. Waiting in a line of Starbucks junkies to get one.

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)

Marvo — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 11:34:40 +0000

I like it that Starbucks makes products for those people who want to experience Starbucks coffee but are afraid to enter the clusterfuck in every Starbucks store. The long lines, the unusual size names, the Chatty Cathys on their phones while ordering, the douchebags sitting at tables with their laptops open like they’re doing work, the rookies who have no idea how to order, the assholes who sneer at the people who don’t know how to order, the overplayed easy listening music, the low sound of the cappuccino machine, the people who stick their pinky finger out while drinking, and the people who AHHH after every sip can be an overwhelming experience for some. The brand new Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee energy drinks are meant for those who aren’t willing to brave those elements.

Just like the members of the 1990s R&B groups Color Me Badd and All-4-One, the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee energy drink comes in three flavors: coffee, mocha, and vanilla. All three were really delicious.

The coffee flavor is great for the hardcore coffee drinker, who enjoys just a little sugar with their black cup of joe because they still want to enjoy its bitterness, always seems to have a coffee mug in their hands, has stained teeth, exhales coffee breath, farts smell like coffee, and if given the option would probably take their coffee through an IV drip. The mocha flavor isn’t as bitter as the coffee flavor and has a hint of chocolate, which makes it perfect for the casual coffee drinker who likes their coffee sweet, but not too sweet, drinks coffee mostly on weekdays at work, will never make coffee at the office coffee maker, and is despised by the hardcore coffee drinker for not making coffee at the office coffee maker. The vanilla flavor is the sweetest of them all and is meant for pussies who can’t handle coffee, but want to look like they can.

I personally enjoyed the vanilla flavor the most and it was the easiest for me to drink, but pretty much all of them were easy to drink.

I’m not sure how much sweet caffeine the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink has, but each 15-ounce can consists of Starbucks coffee, B-vitamins, guarana and ginseng, all of which gave me a good boost of energy to help me jump start my day of watching the Price Is Right, Googling ex-girlfriends, and masturbating to the Knicker Picker website (link NSFW).

These Starbucks coffee energy drinks directly compete with the Java Monster and Rockstar Roasted drinks, all of which are equally good. Although, just like the prostitutes Charlie Sheen likes to roll with, the Starbucks ones are a little more expensive than its competition, but then again, isn’t everything from Starbucks?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can (varies with flavor) – 200-210 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170-180 milligrams of sodium, 1010-1030 milligrams of potassium, 34-36 grams of carbohydrates, 25-26 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 50% vitamin C, 40% calcium, 2% iron, 20% vitamin D, 200% riboflavin, 200% niacin, 200% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, 90 milligrams of guarana, and

(Editor’s Note: The Energy Fiend also has a review on the new Starbucks Energy Drinks. Here’s a review from the Energy Guru. And another from Possessed by Caffeine. Oh, here’s a Screaming Energy review.)

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Coffee)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mocha)
Pros: Delicious. Good boost of energy. Different flavors for different palates. 12 grams of protein per can. Nice source of potassium. No excessive amounts of sugar. Knicker Picker website.
Cons: Retail price is higher than Monster & Rockstar coffee drinks. Douchebags. The clusterfuck at a busy Starbucks location.