It’s easy to make fun of Starbucks, what with their high prices, stupid names (I refuse to call their drinks anything but small, medium, and large), and crushing pervasiveness.  I used to go once or twice a year, when some demon urge came over me to get a vanilla iced whatsit thingamajig, but since (shockingly) there’s not one in my area with a drive-thru, and with the unveiling and continuing expansion of McDonald’s McCafe line of premium coffees, clown beats mermaid every time.  I realize I’m just trading one giant evil company for another, but at least at McDonald’s I don’t have to leave my car.  Or learn Italian.

So, I stick my nose up at Starbucks, out-douching the douches standing in line for their soy half-caf god-knows-what, pretending I’m better than them because I don’t kowtow to The Man.  I put my pre-ground packaged coffee in my coffeemaker every night, and every morning it is waiting for me when I wake up.  I like my coffee like I like my- oh, forget it.  I drink it black.  That’s all.

There’s a little secret I keep deep inside my fast-beating, over-caffeinated heart, however.  I love Starbucks’ bottled Frappuccinos.  I don’t buy them very often, because they are overpriced just like everything else Starbucks sells, but I love the little buggers, no matter what the flavor.

So when I heard that Starbucks had come out with Limited Edition Cookies & Cream bottled Frappuccinos, I nonchalantly offered to review them, then broke speed limits and ran red lights to get to the store.  Lo and behold, there they were, four little bottles in their cute yet sophisticated-looking carrying case.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen something claiming to be cookies & cream flavored look so adult.  There have been many times where I’ve refused to make eye contact with the cashier as they rang up something I’d bought to review, but this was not one of those times.  For once, I was not an obviously childless adult purchasing a single box of Kid Cuisine.  This is a Serious Drink for Adults, motherfucker.  Don’t judge me.

Oh, can you hang on a second?  I forgot to grab some gummy worms.  Okay, now you can judge me.

When I think cookies and cream, my mind generally gravitates towards Oreos, probably because you can’t throw a rock without hitting someplace that has an Oreo shake, sundae, or other Oreo-related product. Plus, they turned 100 this year – without doing any research, I’m going to assume that makes them the original cookie/cream combo.

While it’s not exactly fair to other cookie flavors, this means I expect my cookie flavor to be chocolatey and my cream part to be a cavity-inducing haven of sugary sweetness. Sorry, oatmeal raisin cookies – I guess you’ll have to wait for your own Frappuccino flavor. Don’t hold your breath. Your…cookie breath. If only morning breath could smell like cookie breath. Divorce rates would plummet.

Getting back on track, Starbucks Cookies & Cream Frappuccino sticks to the chocolate formula. “Shake well” is not just a suggestion; you can see a rather prominent layer of chocolate at the bottom of the bottle, and you have to shake the hell out of it to get it evenly distributed.

I should amend my use of the word “chocolate”. It’s actually “cocoa processed with alkali”, which makes me think of batteries but is much less ominous than it sounds. For the sake of brevity, I’ll just call it chocolate.

As a Starbucks bottled Frappuccino, Cookies & Cream delivers. It’s smooth, sweet and creamy, with a high note of chocolate flavor that blends perfectly with the creaminess and isn’t overwhelming. The taste is similar to Hershey’s chocolate syrup, which is fine by me. The chocolate actually cuts some of the sweetness of the drink, which is chock full of sugar (real sugar, not high-fructose corn syrup).

While “Brewed Starbucks Coffee” is listed as the first ingredient, the coffee flavor is pretty subdued, showing up as more of an aftertaste, albeit a pleasant one. This is not unexpected, as Starbucks Frappuccinos are, at least to me, “the coffee drink for those who don’t really like the taste of coffee”.

Limited Edition Starbucks Cookies & Cream Frappuccino ranks high on my list of favorite Starbucks coffee drinks. Straight from the fridge, it’s cool, sweet, chocolatey, and refreshing. It doesn’t exactly scream “cookies & cream” flavor, but it’s enjoyable nonetheless. I liked it so well, I went out and bought another four pack. I’m actually a little sad it’s a limited edition item.

While I thoroughly enjoyed the Cookies & Cream Frappuccino, I realize that it’s not a drink for everyone. It doesn’t exactly taste like cookies, it’s loaded with sugar, and it’s no substitute for a real cup of coffee to wake you up and satisfy your morning caffeine cravings. It’s also, like every Starbucks item, on the expensive side for what it is. That said, if you’re a fan of sweet and creamy chilled drinks, and you enjoy the taste of coffee and chocolate together, you’ll be a fan of this drink in no time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle (9.5 ounces) – 190 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 25% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Starbucks Cookies & Cream Frappuccino Coffee Drink
Price: $5.99
Size: 4 pack/9.5 ounce bottles
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing despite being so sweet. Not having to learn Italian to buy it. Chocolate and cream blend perfectly. Not having to be embarrassed to buy it OR have to stand in line with douches to get it. Coffee taste is subtle but delicious.
Cons: Expensive. Bad “I like my coffee like” jokes. Flavor doesn’t scream “cookies”. Morning breath never smells like cookie breath. Will not satisfy hardcore caffeine addicts.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Hey! I REALLY like those Starbucks Refreshers, so much so that I wish they came in a snortable form.”

If so, your wish will soon come true because next month Starbucks will offer a VIA Ready Brew version of their Refreshers.

(Note: Please don’t snort the VIA Refreshers)

Some of you might be thinking, “Hey! Those Starbucks Refreshers thingies sound familiar.” They should because earlier this year Starbucks introduced a line of ready-to-drink canned Refreshers, which you’ve probably passed by at your local grocery store. Here’s a Google search query for canned Starbucks Refreshers reviews.

According to the blog, Starbucks Melody, Starbucks VIA Refreshers will be hitting stores on July 10 and come in two flavors: Very Berry Hibiscus and Cool Lime. Making one is as easy as making a regular VIA coffee–just add water and stir. A Starbucks VIA Refreshers package will contain five mix packets, each of which will make a 16-ounce serving.

If you’ve sampled a Starbucks VIA Refresher, let us know what you thought of it in the comments below.

Source: Starbucks Melody

I adhere to a lot of the unofficial guidelines for being a proper yuppy 20-something. I own a half dozen cardigans and am beginning to curate a “crazy” sock collection. I have business cards but only use them to try to win free lunches. I spend more time complaining about my deteriorating metabolism than actually figuring out how to adjust my dietary and drinking habits. And of course, I keep a Starbucks rewards card that automatically re-loads when my balance falls below $10.

Despite going to Starbucks a couple times each week to fulfill my yuppy responsibilities, I don’t think I’ve purchased a Frappuccino since my teenage years, when I would hang out at Starbucks to feel more grown-up. Back then, the Orange Mocha Frappuccino was a completely fictional drink, and I could reference Zoolander quotes all the time without getting weird looks. (My last realtor wasn’t amused when I said, “the apartment has to be at least… three times bigger than this!”)

I do have fond memories of those pre-yuppy, Frappuccino-drinking days, so I had high hopes for the newest version, the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. To make sure that I was judging the new Frappuccino on the right scale and not against, say, my usual Starbucks order (grande skim latte, no sugar, extra espresso shot if my first meeting of the day is before 9:00 am), I purchased a regular mocha Frappuccino to remind myself what these types of drinks taste like. And I was reminded that these types of drinks taste really good. If it weren’t for that stupid metabolism, I would totally start ordering these again.

Given that I apparently have the exact palate of my 16-year-old self, I would say that the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino was better than the regular one, but really not by very much. The barista added three scoops of cookie crumbles and three pumps of chocolate mocha sauce to my drink. I think the crumbles were of some kind of Oreo-esque chocolate cookie, but it was honestly hard to tell what flavor they were because the taste of the mocha syrup was so much stronger. At first, the crumbles were underwhelming in their contribution to texture, too, since they were blended down to the exact same size as the ice. As the ice began to melt, however, the cookie crumbles allowed the Frappuccino to retain some crunchiness. Even then, the crunchiness was a little too close to graininess for my liking.

The real positive differentiator for the new Frappuccino was the chocolate whipped cream on top. Its hint of chocolaty sweetness made it more interesting than regular whipped cream, yet it remained much milder than the rich mocha flavor of the drink itself and acted as a nice change of pace.

Since the whipped cream was the part I liked best, I guess I should recommend that you forgo the extra cost of a specialty Frappuccino and just order any Starbucks drink with chocolate whipped cream instead of regular. Then again, all Frappuccinos are half-off from now until May 13 from 3 to 5 pm, so this is as good a time as any to try the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino for yourself. Just be careful of the hordes of yuppies – our sock/cardigan combos might get too crazy for you to handle.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 470 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 69 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Starbucks Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino
Price: $4.95
Size: Grande/16 ounces
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Regular mocha Frappuccinos are already good. Cookie crumbles added some crunchiness. Chocolate whipped cream was mildly sweet and a nice change of pace for the drink itself. Half-off Frappuccinos this week. Zoolander quotes.
Cons: Cookie crumbles didn’t add any taste. Crunchiness was too close to graininess. Lots of sugar and fat. Having the same palate as 16-year-old me. My metabolism. Complaining about my metabolism.

Update: Click here to read our Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino review

This week, Starbucks released two new Frappuccino flavors for you to get brain freezes with, the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino and Chocolate Cookie Crumble Creme Frappuccino.

The Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino brings together a mocha sauce, vanilla syrup, Frappuccino chips, Starbucks signature Frappuccino Roast coffee, and milk blended with ice and topped with a chocolaty whipped cream and chocolate cookie crumbles. Yup, it totally sounds like a nice summer beverage that will help you not look good in your bathing suit. A 16-ounce serving with 2% milk has 470 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 260 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbohydrates, 69 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of protein, and 105 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.

If you want a slightly better for you option, there’s the new Chocolate Cookie Crumble Creme Frappuccino, which has everything the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino has, except the Starbucks signature Frappuccino Roast coffee. A 16-ounce serving of the coffee-less beverage with 2% milk has 440 calories, 19 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 280 milligrams of sodium, 66 grams of carbohydrates, 60 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 7 grams of protein, but only has 15 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.

Both varieties are available at Starbucks locations for a limited time. Starbucks is also bringing back for a limited time the Mocha Coconut Frappuccino and the Coconut Creme Frappuccino blended beverages.

But some of you might be asking your computer monitor in hopes of talking to me, “But what if I want to enjoy the flavor of a Starbucks Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino without having to put on pants?” Well, Starbucks has you covered there because they’re also offering this summer at grocery stores a Limited Edition Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino Ice Cream and a Cookies & Cream Frappuccino bottled coffee drink.

A 1/2 cup serving of the ice cream has 250 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 4 grams of protein. A 9.5-ounce bottle of the Cookies & Cream Frappuccino has 190 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 32 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.

Both items should be popping up in stores soon.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

No beverage can improve someone’s golf game. But I know having extramarital affairs with enough women to fill a bus and having to look into the eyes of a betrayed ex-wife and children can hurt someone’s golf game. (via Thirsty Dudes)

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal…understandable. Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal…I eat peanut butter on toast all the time. French Toast Crunch Cereal…of course. But now General Mills is just making shit up. (via Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp)

Hey, Starbucks! You offer your breakfast blend in VIA form, but how about making a special VIA morning blend for the I-Can’t-Believe-I-Had-A-One-Night-Stand-With-You crowd that’ll help us forget about it. (via Hot Ink Reviews)

Four words: Japanese hospital food review. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

I didn’t know potato, tortilla, and pita chips could be so festive. Maybe I’ll hang them on my Christmas tree next year. Or eat them while looking at my Festivus pole. (via Junk Food Guy)

I really wish these soylent green crackers were made from real humans. Because if they were, I wouldn’t have to hunt some random unsuspecting stranger walking alone in a shady part of town to be able to enjoy human flesh. (via Food Junk)

It’s around midnight and I’m writing this Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix review outside…topless.

Why am I outside in the middle of the night half naked? Because if I want to truly appreciate this Starbucks hot cocoa, I feel like I need to drink it in a cold environment, which is difficult when one lives on a tropical island and doesn’t have air conditioning at his place.

Although it’s the middle of the night and there’s a slight breeze, the weather is still in the mid to high 70s, hence the reason why I have no shirt on. I thought I would feel cooler if I took it off, but fripples have yet to form. So here I am standing outside with the moonlight reflecting off of my pale chest, making my torso glow like it’s a bodily fluid under a black light.

I would take off more clothing, but I haven’t done laundry in a long time, so the only item of clothing that prevents me from being completely nude are the cargo shorts I have on. Also, the glowing pale parts of my body seem to be attracting bugs, so if I were to take my shorts off, I would have bugs circling around my body’s airport control tower, which is something I do not want.

Speaking of things that are milky white, in order to make a cup of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, the instructions say eight ounces of hot milk are needed. However, I got tri-curious and made three different cups using low-fat milk, vanilla soy milk, and water.

If you don’t have milk or soy milk and you’re too lazy to get some, water will do in a pinch, but that’s like settling for QVC during primetime TV hours because the remote control is farther than an arms length away. If you’re going to make a cup of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, you’ve got to make it with milk or soy milk. Don’t settle for QVC.

When milk or soy milk is used, the Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa makes me forget about the bugs landing and taking off on my pale glowing body. The cocoa flavor is rich and much better tasting than what Swiss Miss and Nestle offers. However, it’s slightly gritty. The cocoa used is ethically sourced, so if you love responsible, sustainable cocoa farming (and who doesn’t), you’ll like the cocoa in these Starbucks packets.

The dehydrated marshmallows included aren’t your typical mini round dehydrated marshmallows found in other hot cocoa mixes. They’re much larger, handcrafted, and are more like small slabs of dehydrated marshmallows. They don’t melt away easily, but when they do they add a little vanilla flavor to the hot cocoa.

A box of Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix is twice as expensive as a box of Swiss Miss or Nestle hot cocoa, but I don’t think it’s two times better tasting. It’s probably more like 1 1/2 times better. But, to be honest, if I were to find myself topless in the middle of Jack Frost’s wrath, I don’t think I would care about flavor. All I would probably care about is drinking anything hot and doing something to get rid of my fripples.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 envelope not prepared – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Starbucks Toasted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Mix
Price: $7.19
Size: 8 envelopes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better than Swiss Miss. Chocolatey. Small slabs of dehydrated marshmallows. Made with ethically sourced cocoa. Taking off clothing to thoroughly review a product.
Cons: Slightly gritty. Fripples. Twice as expensive as Swiss Miss. My pale body. When mixed with water. Taking off too much clothing to thoroughly review a product.