The Impulsive Buy » Tea

THE DAY IN REVIEWS – 1/5/2011

Marvo — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 04:00:55 +0000

Here are a few product review posted today from other blogs we follow.

Now that the holidays are over I can look forward to heavily discounted egg nog, even the faux stuff. (via I Ate A Pie)

Chocolate that smells like perfume? Oh great. I wonder how long before someone makes chocolate that smells like strippers. You put your stripper on my chocolate! You put on chocolate in my stripper! (via Chocablog)

Margaret’s Hope Silver Moon kind of sounds like a craft beer name, but it’s a tea name. I noticed a lot of tea names sound like beer names. So does that make Lipton the Bud Light of the tea world? (via Teaviews)

Combining gingerbread and toffee into a chocolate bar seems tame for a holiday candy bar from Vosges, the same company that put bacon into a bar. I really expected mistletoe berries, Christmas tree needles or reindeer jerky. (via The Candy Enthusiast)

Image via flickr user dpstyles / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Pineapple Mango Green Tea V8 V-Fusion + Tea

Marvo — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 02:46:10 +0000

The Mango Pineapple Green Tea V8 V-Fusion + Tea combines pineapple, apple and orange fruit juices, mango puree, vegetable juice and green tea.

What? Are those the only liquids V8 could fit into this beverage hybrid?

That’s disappointing to see from the company that’s able to merge the juices from tomatoes and seven other vegetables that I didn’t know could be juiced — beets, celery, carrots, lettuce, parsley, watercress and spinach — to create their original V8 juice.

We live in a world where it’s possible to stuff a chicken into a duck and then stuff those two into a turkey, so, I’m sorry, color me initially unimpressed when it comes to the Mango Pineapple Green Tea V8 V-Fusion + Tea.

V8 could definitely learn a thing or two from witches or those college kids who mix every cheap clear alcohol possible with several fruit juices to make a potent jungle juice that will probably cause several people to end up with Sharpie pen writings on their faces, produce a few gallons of vomit, and result in one, maybe two, pregnancies.

The V8 V-Fusion + Tea is the latest variation from V8′s V-Fusion line, which combines 100 percent fruit and vegetable juices to give people the opportunity to consume 1/2 cup of vegetables and 1/2 cup of fruit in a state of matter that’s usually suited for babies and those who just had their wisdom teeth removed.

The USDA recommends a daily intake of 2 1/2 cups of vegetables and 2 cups of fruit, and the V8 V-Fusion + Tea line does help drinkers get there, but only 1/4 of a cup at a time since it’s made with only 50 percent juice.

However, because it’s made with only 50 percent juice, it has significantly less sugar and calories than the original V-Fusion line and its consistency isn’t as thick.

The Mango Pineapple Green Tea V8 V-Fusion + Tea has more of a mango flavor than pineapple, and it has a sweet vegetable aftertaste. “Sweet vegetable aftertaste” may sound bad, especially as a potential band name, but with this beverage, it’s all right. While the green tea doesn’t provide much flavor, it does make the beverage lighter tasting than the regular V8 V-Fusion.

While I feel the Mango Pineapple Green Tea V8 V-Fusion + Tea is a weak ass compilation of liquids, I do think it’s a tasty and refreshing beverage.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 2% calcium, 10% vitamin E, 100% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: Pineapple Mango Green Tea V8 V-Fusion + Tea
Price: $5.69 (regular price)
Size: 46 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty and refreshing. Strong mango flavor. Turducken. Provides 100% vitamin C per serving. Easy to drink. Less sugar and calories than regular V8 V-Fusion. Jungle juice.
Cons: Weak ass compilation of liquids. Made up of 50 percent juice. Light green tea flavor. Provides 1/10th of your daily recommended intake of vegetables. Sweet Vegetable Aftertaste would make a horrible band name. Jungle juice.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 12/3/2010

Marvo — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 10:00:15 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Turkey Perky Jerky is quite quirky, but I think its energy giving ability is quite murky. Yeah, suck it, Dr. Seuss! I got the juice. (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

If Hot Pockets keeps attaching pockets to their Hot Pockets, will we soon have to call them Hot Cargo Pants? (via Freezer Burns)

The Food and Drug Administration is banning alcoholic energy drinks. I hope they’re not also planning to ban beer battered fries. (via Yum Yucky)

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a brownie hooked up with an Oreo cookie, wonder no more. (via Food Junk)

If only high fructose corn syrup was something I could buy off the shelf, then I would have something incestuous to sweeten Korean corn tea with. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Lotte Green Gum has chlorophyll. If I chew an entire pack, will I knock myself unconscious? Oh wait, I’m being told chloroform knocks people out. Dammit! Now I know why I’m having so much trouble kidnapping people at the park. (via Snack Love)

Image via flickr user Alan Vernon / CC BY 2.0

NEWS: V8 Makes A Threesome Involving Fruits and Vegetables Non-Erotic

Marvo — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 23:00:00 +0000

A couple of years ago, V8 created their V-Fusion line that combined vegetable juice with fruit juices to help people consume more vegetables and fruits and to help expand the product line beyond a salted vegetable juice, which I usually see used as a replacement for tomato juice in a Bloody Mary.

It seems combining fruit and vegetable juices wasn’t enough for V8, because they decided to add a third partner — green tea. An 8-ounce serving of the new V8 V-Fusion + Tea provides provides 1/4 cup of vegetables, 1/4 cup of fruits and the antioxidant power of green tea. Although I’m not sure how much antioxidant power the green tea provides.

V8 V-Fusion + Tea comes in three flavors: Raspberry Green Tea, Pineapple Mango Green Tea and Pomegranate Green Tea. All three come in 46-ounce bottles and contain 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 100% vitamin C per 8 ounce serving.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas (Mango, Peach & Raspberry)

Marvo — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:48:37 +0000

(Note: Please read this letter with a Southern accent.)

To My Dearest Jacqueline D. Box,

It has been a long time since I had an opportunity to write to you as I have been occupied by the hassles of our country’s Civil War. I feel impelled to write a correspondence to you because I sense that death may soon be upon me and the thousands of men who fight alongside me. Your rain of letters bring sunshine to my days of fighting those from the North. I again apologize that I am not able to reciprocate an equal amount of correspondence. It is quite good to hear about every minuscule moment in your life and because I keep your extensive book-length letters near my heart, you have prevented the enemy’s ammunition from striking my body.

Oh, how my war-battered heart yearns for your warm embrace, tender kisses, ample bosom and your Jacqueline D. Box Flavored Iced Teas. The battlefield on a Southern summer day is like what I imagine the pits of fire and brimstone in hell feel like and when my throat is dry from all the yelling as we charge the Union soldiers, which I don’t really understand because it lets the enemy know where we are, all I desire is you and either your refreshing mango, raspberry or peach iced teas made with fresh-brewed tea.

Although, to be honest, since I may never gaze upon your round, joyful face again, I don’t really care for your mango flavored iced tea because it tastes like a sweet vegetable and not at all like the exotic tropical fruit of mango whose flavor makes my taste buds tingle with delight.

However your raspberry and peach flavored iced teas make my heart skip a beat and refreshes me like a plunge into the cooling waters of Old Harper’s Lake on a blistering summer’s day. I don’t know how you are able to create such delightful refreshments. I could drink them both relentlessly until I burst at the seams. Both beverages have just the right amount of flavor, without being too sweet, giving them a satisfying balance of fruit and tea flavor. Just writing about it in this correspondence makes me desire it even more. Not even this cup of water from great Mississippi River can quench my thirst like your flavored iced teas can.

But alas, my love, I fear for the worst and may never sample your flavored iced tea ever again.

Jacqueline, if I do not return, do not think we shall not meet again. For if you feel warmth when you are cold or a cool breeze on a July afternoon, it shall be my spirit watching over you, protecting you and scaring away any possible suitors.

Your dearest,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – Mango – 83 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Raspberry – 78 calories, 0 grams of fat, 12 milligrams of sodium, 119 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Peach – 82 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas
Price: $1.99 each
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10 (mango)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (peach)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (raspberry)
Pros: Peach and raspberry flavors were extremely refreshing. Made with fresh-brewed tea. Healthier alternative than most drinks available at Jack in the Box. Perfect balance of fruit and tea. Came in bigger cups than I thought.
Cons: The mango flavor disappointed because tastes like a sweet vegetable. Doesn’t come in a variety of colors like their promotional pictures. The syrup the use might settle to the bottom, so remember to stir before drinking. Not sure if the tea provides any health benefits.

REVIEW: Green Tea Coke Plus With Catechin

Marvo — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 03:13:39 +0000

It’s hard to imagine why it’s taken so long for the Japanese makers of Coke to come up with the Green Tea Coke Plus with Catechin. After all, the Japanese love green tea. They love it HARD. I think they love it just as much as smoking, manga, short schoolgirl skirts, posing for pictures and physically abusive game shows.

I’m also surprised the American makers of Coke didn’t come up with it sooner because, as they’ve proven time and time again, they’ll shoehorn almost anything into their cola. They’ll shoehorn it HARD. Some ingredients they’ve added to Coke or Diet Coke include: coffee, vanilla, black cherry, lime, lemon, Splenda, cherry and zeros.

Although it doesn’t specifically say on its label, the Green Tea Coke Plus with Catechin is really less like regular Coke and more like either Diet Coke or Coke Zero since it contains artificial sweeteners and no calories. Despite its name, it doesn’t contain vitamins like the U.S. version of Diet Coke Plus. The “plus” in this soda’s name is either for the catechins the green tea provides or it’s being marketed to sumo wrestlers.

Catechins are antioxidants and are mostly found in teas, but also in some chocolates. Studies have shown that catechins prevent plaque from building up on artery walls, some forms of cancer and aging. In my personal studies with catechins and green tea, it seems to turn me into a pompous ass by making me extend my pinky outward when drinking tea.

The Green Tea Coke Plus’ smell and initial flavor reminds me of the American version of Coke Zero, but not as prominent, which doesn’t surprise me because Coke from Japan tends to have a slightly muted flavor compared with their American counterparts. The green tea flavor doesn’t kick in until a few moments later, but when it does, it’s subtle and without any of the bitterness that green tea is known for.

Being someone who enjoys Coke Zero, I enjoyed the flavor of the Green Tea Coke Plus with Catechin, although I wish it had a little bit more green tea flavor. As for the catechins, I think you’d be better off drinking cups of regular green tea because there’s probably not a significant amount of catechins in each bottle of Green Tea Coke Plus, unlike green tea itself.

But overall, I like it HARD.

(Note: Orchid64, who purchased and sent the Green Tea Coke Plus for me, also reviewed it, along with Mike’s Blender. Also, below is a stupid experiment I did with the second bottle of Green Tea Coke Plus I had. It’s stupid because I totally wasted a good bottle of soda that’s hard for me to obtain. Enjoy my wastefulness.)

Item: Green Tea Coke Plus With Catechin
Price: 147 yen
Size: 500 ml
Purchased at: Received from Orchid64
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: I like it HARD. Tastes like Coke Zero. No calories. Easy to drink. I guess some catechins are better than no catechins. Green tea. Short schoolgirl skirts on women 18 years old or older. Japanese game shows.
Cons: Only available in Japan. Not enough green tea flavor for me. Not sure how much catechins it provides, but it’s probably not much. Wasting a perfectly good bottle of soda with a stupid dated Mentos experiment.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 6/13/2009

Marvo — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 10:00:18 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Doritos with a dried ramen noodle-esque flavor packet? Sounds like something to snort. (via We Rate Stuff)

Looks like I’m going to have to break out the Birkenstocks if I decide to enjoy an organic chocolate hemp shake. (via I Ate A Pie)

I’m surprised a green tea Coke didn’t happen sooner in Japan, but I guess the Japanese have been too busy making marshmallow-looking cars and erecting Gundam statues. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Which would you prefer? Cheese crackers made by elves or those made by some dude named Lance? (via Second Rate Snacks)

World of Warcraft sucking hours of your life? You can suck back on a World of Warcraft Mountain Dew. (via BevReview)

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 6/6/2009

Marvo — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:00:10 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Reviewing a cardboard box may seem silly, but TIB once reviewed a plastic shopping bag. (via Everyview)

These Dunkin Donuts breakfast wraps are adorable! (via Grub Grade)

Just like I pick up Playboy for the articles, I buy Snapple for the factoid under the bottle cap. (via Cheaplander)

Land-O-Lakes Butter with Olive Oil. I wonder if you can take the O’s in olive oil and give the Land-O-Lakes mascot boobs, just like you can with her knees. (via Yum Yucky)

BOOBS!!! Nope. False alarm. Just citrus fruits. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

REVIEW: Bigelow Eggnogg’n Tea

Reprobate — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:43:07 +0000

When I saw this tea, I had a vision that was as horrifying as it was freaky. I envisioned Bam Bam Bigelow was behind this tea company. I imagined him at board meetings in his flaming leotard with a striped blue tie and sipping tea from a dainty ceramic cup with a silver teapot. And God help you if you give Bam Bam any lip or a TPS report missing the new cover. Alas, he’s not the founder of the company.

Eggnog and tea. Oh, dear God. Are we out of possible fruit tea combinations already? Last time I checked, there was lemon, raspberry, and orange zinger. No one has done durian or starfruit or kiwi tea, yet. There’s probably a gold mine in those flavors. Or how about a refreshing garlic tea? But seriously, what were the people behind this tea thinking, bringing together an egg-based beverage and tea?

Here’s an idea, Bigelow Tea.

Roasty Chestnut Tea. It’s as wintery as eggnog and you can have a picture of two chestnuts roasting over the fire on the box. “It’ll warm your chestnuts up in no time at all!” could be its slogan.

All kidding and insanity aside, this tea is actually pretty good. The tea bag pre-teabagging, smells very much like cinnamon oatmeal, but nothing like eggnog. It’s actually quite homely and uplifting. The tea itself, after the steeping process, has a color somewhere between black and green tea which isn’t a surprise since it is made with those two teas. It retains the oatmeal smell, which is quite pleasant since most teas tend to smell musky like, say, Bam Bam Bigelow’s armpit.

The taste of this tea, well, doesn’t exactly live up to its name. There’s nothing rich or custardy about this tea, but it does sort of taste creamy-ish if you consider instant oatmeal creamy. It tastes like tea with a mild cinnamon spice and notes of instant oatmeal. I liked it, but it may not be for everyone. It’s also heavier to most other teas, which definitely makes it a winter tea, but that’s like saying a dog-shaped balloon is heavier than a helium balloon. They’re both still light.

The tea is a little more expensive compared to other teas available on the market, but still a decent product. All in all, it’s a good tea that suffers from a terrible name. Now if only there was a Bam Bam Bigelow Tea that came in a black box covered in flames.

Nutrition Facts – 1 tea bag – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0 gram of protein, and testicle-free.)

Item: Bigelow Eggnoggin’ Tea
Price: $3.49
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Holiday Market
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Instant Cinnamon Oatmeal smell and flavor. Decent bargain. Bam Bam Bigelow Tea. Bam Bam Bigelow the Executive
Cons: Nothing eggnogg-y about this tea. Bam Bam Bigelow’s armpit. Heavier tea. Stupid name. Garlic tea.

Revolution 3D Tea

Marvo — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:54:11 +0000

Coffee and tea are very much alike. Both need to be roasted to get their flavor, both come in caffeinated and decaffeinated forms, and both are spelled with unnecessary letters, that if removed, wouldn’t affect their pronunciations. Cofe or T, anyone? If I had to choose between a racist tea party with Amy Winehouse or a coffee-fueled marathon of The Hills, I would have to choose the racial slur slinging and tea sipping festivities with Ms. Winehouse and hope that no stray needle hits me or her eyelashes don’t devour me like a Venus Flytrap. I would choose the tea party because I really enjoy tea in any situation and because watching several episodes of The Hills would cause my IQ to drop by about 50 points.

Recently, I’ve been enjoying the new Revolution 3D Teas because I like my tea just the way I like my Fruity Pebbles — cold, fruity and sweet. The canned beverage comes in four flavors: blueberry, mango, pomegranate and green apple. According to Revolution Tea, it’s a “Multi Dimensional Beverage” because it contains a super fruit, multiple vitamins, white tea, yadda, yadda, yadda. All of that is nice, but I’ve been staring at these Revolution 3D cans for hours and have yet to see the image of a sailboat or anything else pop out at me.

Each Revolution 3D Tea had a perfectly balanced taste. Its sweetness was just right, each flavor had a slight tartness, the fruit didn’t overpower the flavor of the tea and the tea didn’t overpower the flavor of the fruit. I really enjoyed all the flavors, but the mango and pomegranate were my favorites. What I also really enjoyed about this product are the sweet, sweet antioxidants from the white tea and super fruits, although each only contained 2% juice, so I’m not too sure how much the super fruits contributed to its antioxidant content. All that I hope for is that it’s enough to protect me if I were to get hit by one of Ms. Winehouse’s flying heroin needles.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 70 calories, 0 grams of fat, 5 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 20% vitamin B3, 20% vitamin B6, 20% vitamin B12, 20% vitamin B5, and 3D.)

Item: Revolution 3D Tea
Price: FREE (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Sent by Revolution Tea people
Rating: 8 out of 10 (mango)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (pomegranate)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (green apple)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (blueberry)
Pros: Well balanced flavor. Sweetness was just right. All flavors were really good. Slight tartness. Use of pure cane sugar. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Antioxidants, but I’m not too sure how much. Fruity Pebbles.
Cons: Contains only 2% juice. Can’t see 3D images on can. Getting hit by a Winehouse heroin needle. Watching a marathon of The Hills.

Snapple Classic Black Teas

Marvo — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:17:54 +0000

When I was young, I used to have elegant tea parties. I would put on my Sunday’s best and bring out my finest China plasticware. Some of you may think that tea parties are “girly” and my parents may have “wondered” about me at that time, but when the party guests included Megatron, hooded Cobra Commander, Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter, Kikaida, a 1983 Topps Steve Balboni baseball card, and Tenderheart Bear it automatically became a manly tea party.

Unfortunately, tea was never served at my parties, since my mother wouldn’t let me near the stove due to my pyromaniac tendencies and my dad wouldn’t let me pour hot water due to being prone to what he called “Bill Buckner hands.” So I served room temperature tap water at my tea parties, which is much like the equivalent of having wine coolers at a wine tasting party.

Sure my tea parties were sausage-fests, but it was less about who was there and more about what we talked about. In those days, we would discuss democracy in Eastern Europe, the pros and cons of both VHS and Betamax tapes, the rise of the Japanese Yen, and ask each other whose double-Ts were hotter, Smurfette or Scarlett.

Now that I’m grown up and over my pyromaniac and Bill Buckner tendencies, I could have tea parties with actual tea, but most of my tea party friends are no longer with me. I sold Megatron on eBay for $75, hooded Cobra Commander is lost in the yard somewhere, Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter is in its original box sitting on a shelf at my parent’s house, Kikaida was sold at a garage sale, and my 1983 Topps Steve Balboni card was attached to my BMX bike to make fake motorcycle sounds. Thankfully, Tenderheart Bear still sleeps with me every single night, so I wouldn’t be faced with the ways of the alcoholic and drinking alone.

Recently, we tried the Snapple Classic Black Teas, which come in three traditional black tea flavors: English Breakfast, Earl Grey, and Orange Pekoe. Each of them are lightly sweetened and all-natural. They also contain less than 100 calories per bottle, have antioxidants, and should be served chilled.

I shared some with Tenderheart Bear as we discussed the rise of the Canadian dollar, the impact of Wal-Mart on small business, how mediocre the TV show Heroes is this season, and the likelihood that a woman would get an STD from a member of an 1980s hair band…including the drummer. We also gave our thoughts about the Snapple Classic Black Teas and Tenderhear Bear, a connoisseur of teas, didn’t care for them too much.

He thought each of them tasted like someone made tea, forgot they made tea, left it on the kitchen counter for a day, realized they made tea the day before, was too lazy to reheat the tea, was to cheap to throw out the tea, and added a couple of lumps of processed sugar to the tea. He thought they all captured the essence of the flavors, but felt that serving them cold didn’t do them justice and the sugar did kind of ruin the flavor of the tea. He admitted that he’s a purist and would prefer to drink these flavors as hot tea.

It was nice catching up with Tenderheart Bear even though we see each other every night. That quality time spent together got me thinking about starting up tea parties again. I could invite Tenderheart Bear, my iPod for musical conversations, my black pinstripe dress shirt from Banana Republic for fashion topics, my laser printer for literary subjects, and maybe condom tin to talk about why I’m still not getting any.

(Nutrition Facts – One bottle (varies per flavor) – 70 to 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 to 5 milligrams of sodium, 17 to 22 grams of carbs, 17 to 21 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of sugar.)

Item: Snapple Classic Black Teas
Price: FREE (Retail price – $1.39)
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Antioxidants. All-natural. Made with real sugar and honey. Less than 100 calories per bottle. Scarlett (I dig redheads).
Cons: Tastes like cold tea that someone accidently threw in sugar. The sugar kind of ruins the flavor of the tea. These flavors taste better hot. Drinking alone. Steve Balboni’s ability to strikeout.

Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha

Marvo — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 09:56:11 +0000

I don’t know much about Dr. Andrew Weil. All I know is that he’s Oprah’s good friend and has a line of Ito En teas with his name on it, like the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha.

Of course, I could assume other things about Dr. Weil by looking at his picture below. He could be Santa Claus. His doctorate could be in the Hippie Dark Arts, which uses free love, Grateful Dead albums, and tie-dye t-shirts for evil. His big, thick, white beard looks like it could holds deep secrets, treasure, or know where in the world is Carmen Sandiego.

I wanted to try the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha because I love green tea and anything six degrees of Oprah. I’ve bought all the books from Oprah’s Book Club, which have made wonderful dust collectors, and a subscription to O Magazine, because when Oprah says “jump,” I say, “How high and am I going to get a free car if I do?”

Some of you out there might not be familiar with the terms, “sencha” and “matcha.” Basically, they are both Japanese green teas. In Japanese, sencha means “broiled tea,” while matcha means “rubbed tea.” To explain it better, I’ll refer to the Ito En box, which says:

Sencha–Japan’s celebrated loose leaf tea–receives a brilliant infusion of matcha, the prized tea used in the tea ceremony. To create sencha, tea leaves are steamed and then fired to bring out a distinctive taste. For matcha, shade-grown leaves are meticulously processed and stone-ground to preserve its herbaceous vitality. When paired together, the result is a sparkling green with a smooth yet invigorating taste.

As a regular green tea connoisseur, who drinks it for its high concentration of antioxidants, to represent my Japanese background, and to stop my trembling hands when I’m jonesing for some caffeine, I’ve had my share of green tea over the years and I have to say that the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha is a good tasting pre-bagged tea.

Having tried matcha in its actual ceremonial Japanese green tea form, I thought the addition of it to this tea would make it very bitter. If you’ve never had green tea from a Japanese tea ceremony, its bitterness is eye-opening, like splashing your face with ice cold water or unexpectedly walking into the sight of a baby popping out of a birth canal.

Thankfully, the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha wasn’t very bitter at all. It wasn’t even as bitter as the Japanese green tea I usually drink, although I’m sure it would’ve been if I steeped it a little more than the instructions on the packaging said.

If there’s one thing that’s slightly bitter about the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha, it’s the price, which runs around seven dollars for ten tea bags. My usual green tea on sale costs $1.50 for a box of 16 tea bags; however, if Oprah says I need to buy it, I’ll buy it, just like if Oprah jumped into a volcano, I would follow.

Item: Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha
Price: $6.99 (10 bags)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good green tea. Oprah. Easy to drink. Oprah. Has production date printed on it. Oprah. Green tea is full of antioxidants. Oprah. Not as bitter as my usual green tea. I love you, Oprah. Anything six degree of Oprah.
Cons: Significantly more expensive than my usual green tea. The bitterness of matcha from a Japanese tea ceremony. Hippie Dark Arts.

Snapple Diet Green Tea

Marvo — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 10:09:23 +0000

The Snapple Diet Green Tea is quite possibly the healthiest drink EVER.

I have no scientific data, testimonials from fake nutritionists or fancy Microsoft Excel pie charts to back up that statement. All I know is that green tea is healthy, diet is healthy, and Snapple is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. Put all three of those things together and you have a threesome of healthiness.

Now just like MC Hammer, let’s break it down.

As many of you know, green tea is full of antioxidants, which have the ability to kick the asses of bad free radicals in your body and make them their bitches. The Snapple Diet Green Tea has a natural antioxidant called epigallocatechin gallate, or EGCG for short, which is only found in green tea.

According to the bottle, EGCG also has the ability to boost your metabolism, although the bottle also says it takes 300 milligrams of it to effectively boost it. A bottle of Snapple Diet Green Tea has only 55 milligrams. So just like drinking six beers in one sitting will give you a better buzz and make all the ugly people look slightly better, drinking six Snapple Diet Green Teas in a day will increase your metabolism and maybe help you forget about whomever you brought home the other night after drinking six beers.

Another reason why green tea is healthy is because it’s green. Green is a healthy color because a lot of healthy vegetables are green, like zucchini, cucumbers, spinach, lettuce, broccoli, green beans, green bell peppers, cabbage, kale, leeks and weed.

Just like Michael Bay does with every movie he directs, the word “diet” has the ability to suck out the soul of anything it touches and just leave a tasteless, reduced-calorie and reduced-fat empty shell behind, which of course isn’t surprising because you can’t spell “diet” without the word “die.” With the Diet Snapple Green Tea, the word “diet” sucks out all the calories, fat and sugar, leaving it with a row of zeroes on its nutrition label.

Finally, the Diet Snapple Green Tea is healthy because it is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. I don’t know what the best stuff on Earth are according to Snapple, but I do know that it’s probably all-natural and it’s probably not gold, diamonds, titanium, rubies, silver, or platinum, because those would make a really shitty Snapple.

Overall, the Diet Snapple Green Tea isn’t bad for a diet drink, although I can easily taste the Splenda (sucralose) much like how I can easily taste the Scientology whenever I watch a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie. The 55 milligrams of EGCG kind of makes up for its taste and so does the 30 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, which is better than nothing, but not enough to prevent me from falling asleep during a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Lindsey for recommending the Snapple Diet Green Tea for review.)

Item: Snapple Diet Green Tea
Price: $1.29 (17.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Its taste is all right for a diet drink. 55 milligrams of EGCG. Zero calories. Zero sugar. Zero fat. Kosher pareve. Some Vitamin C. Creates a threesome of healthiness. 30 milligrams of caffeine. Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®.
Cons: If you hate Splenda, you’ll hate this. The word “diet.” Scientology. Everything Michael Bay directs (I feel sorry for Transformers).

Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea

Marvo — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 06:12:48 +0000

Who knew pyramids were the perfect vessels for dried up, shriveled things, like the mummies of Egyptian pharaohs, Betty White’s game show career as a regular guest on $25,000 Pyramid, and the tea in the new Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Teas.

According to the Lipton website, the pyramid shape of the mesh bag allows it to have enough room for the hot water to infuse with the tea, better extracting its rich color and flavor, which sort of takes a page from the thermodynamics of underwear, “Restriction of air flow creates a funky smell you know.”

The instructions for the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea bags are as simple as any other bagged teas. Just pour hot water over it and steep for about three minutes.

You know what? I don’t think I like the word “steep” in this context, since the word could also have a totally different meaning like, “There’s a steep cliff there where we can dump the body.” I think I’ll create another term for this action.

Hmm…let me think.

Bag brewing? Nah.

Tea dipping? Nah.

Oh, I got it. Let’s call it teabagging.

I don’t know about you, but to me, teabagging is quite therapeutic. There’s something kind of nice about dipping my tea bag into the mouth of a mug. The warm steam coming up from the mug’s mouth, I think, would feel pretty good on my tea bag.

There are also several ways of teabagging. I could dip my tea bag in and out of the mouth of a mug or I could just leave it in the mug’s mouth until my tea bag is ready to come out. Both ways are equally satisfying. I also enjoy watching drops of liquid fall off the end of my tea bag and back into the mug’s mouth.

Anyway, the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea is made from premium orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea. Despite its name, the orange pekoe does not give the tea an orange flavor. It’s sort of like how Kevin Federline calling himself a rap artist doesn’t make him a rap artist, since no one else calls him one.

The Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea has a nice black tea flavor, which isn’t very bitter like regular Lipton tea, but it’s kind of plain and boring like all Tim Allen movies and probably could’ve used a little fruit infusion much like the other flavors in the Lipton Pyramid Tea line have. It also does make a nice refreshing iced tea when some ice cubes and sugar are added.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some serious teabagging to do.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Lipton Pyramid Teas.)

Item: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea
Price: $5.69
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tasty tea. 140 milligrams of antioxidants. 20 pyramid bags per box. Makes a good iced tea. Teabagging. Betty White in Golden Girls.
Cons: Kind of plain, could’ve used a little fruit infusion. Extremely pricey here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I know it’s a given, but I have to put Kevin Federline and Tim Allen movies here.

Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea

Marvo — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 08:52:15 +0000

I’d like to think that I’m an environmentally aware person — a treehugger, if you will.

I recycle my glass bottles, aluminum cans, plastic bottles, and newspapers.

I drive a fuel-efficient car.

I reuse those plastic bags I get from the grocery store.

Instead of throwing them away, I donate my unwanted clothes, household items, and crappy Christmas gifts to charitable organizations.

Finally, to save water and allow me to use them another day, I turn my underwear inside out.

A few months ago, I came across the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea in its re-sealable and reusable glass…glass. My treehugging soul thought that the reusable glass would be a great replacement for my current glassware, which doesn’t consist of any glass and is made up of Big Gulp cups and the McDonald’s 1992 Olympic Dream Team plastic cup set, with four extra Chris Mullin cups.

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and along with my lava lamps, glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and the huge mirror on my bedroom wall they would impress the ladies whenever they come over.

Okay, I’m lying about the women coming over. No woman has stepped foot in my humble, fluorescent-lighted, not-so-swinging bachelor abode, so let me rephrase the previous sentence.  

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and impress the ladies if they come over when hell freezes over, pigs start flying, or if I am the last man on the face of the Earth.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by my fascination with the Pom Tea bottle. After all, Pom beverages are known for their bottles.

The original Pom Wonderful juices come in a shapely bottle, which depending on how horny you are, either looks like the Days of Our Lives hourglass or a huge sex toy that is probably 1,000 times more satisfying than I am.

The Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea itself is pretty good and it’s good for you. Although, being a fan of lychee, I was hoping there would be a stronger lychee flavor.

I have to admit that I’ve gotten kind of addicted to the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea. I don’t know if it’s the slightly tart and sweet taste of it, the fact that it’s frickin’ full of healthy antioxidants, or my need for a set of new glassware, but at $3.50 a bottle it’s definitely hurting my wallet.

(Editor’s Note: Go read TG’s take on the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea at NYCE.)

Item: Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea
Price: $3.49 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty and refreshing. Addicting. Healthy. Frickin’ full of antioxidant goodness. Fat free. Reusable glass bottle, which are much more classy than my plastic Big Gulp cups. Recycling. Turning my underwear inside out to reuse another day.
Cons: Expensive. Light lychee flavor. Low caffeine. Addictive. No vitamins or minerals. I am not the last man on the face of the Earth.