With each having their own color and special power, I was hoping these five flavors of Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water would combine to form a huge robot, like Voltron: Defender of the Universe or the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.

Despite dressing up like King Zarkon from the Planet Doom and throwing other plastic bottles into the trash, instead of recycling them, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water plastic bottles did nothing to stop my evil ways.

Although Captain Planet did appear and attacked me while saying, “I’ve found another use for these bottles and that’s to kick your ass with them.”

The Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water comes in seven flavors, but I was only able to try five of them: Grape Pomegranate, Agave Melon, Strawberry Acai, Orange Starfruit, and Tropical Mango. According to the labels, they all have the power to do something beyond quenching a thirst.

Grape seed extract in the Grape Pomegranate has the power to defy, electrolytes in the Agave Melon has the power to restore, 60 milligrams of caffeine in the Strawberry Acai has the power to awaken, while Vitamin C in the Orange Starfruit and Tropical Mango have the power to protect.

Oh, if only one of them had the power of telekinesis or the power to sober.

Every flavor I tried was good. My two favorite flavors were the unusual tasting Agave Melon and the Strawberry Acai. Overall, they seemed a little less watered down than Glaceau’s Vitamin Water, despite their sugar content being about the same at about 30 grams per bottle. Speaking about similarities with Vitamin Water, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water also has semi-witty writing on its label, they don’t contain high-fructose corn syrup, and of course, they can’t form into a gigantic robot to fight evil.

Item: Snapple Antioxidant Water
Price: 99 cents each (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: All the flavors I tried tasted good. Agave Melon and Strawberry Acai were my favorites. Vitamins A & E. Less watered down taste than Vitamin Water. Electrolytes. No high-fructose corn syrup. Strawberry Acai flavor has 60 milligrams of caffeine.
Cons: Vitamin Water copycat, even includes semi-witty copy on label. Can’t combine to form gigantic robot to fight evil. None has the ability to sober. Getting your ass kicked by Captain Planet.

I thought my addiction to clown porn was pretty bad, but my dependency on Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water is worse.

It started out innocently when I saw it at the store and wanted to try it out, because I’ll try anything just once. I thought I’d have some fun and then move on. I didn’t think anything would become of it, because who gets addicted off of something after trying it just one time? But after finishing a bottle, the demons in my head crawled out of my subconsciousness and told me they wanted more. I went back and bought the five bottles left on the shelf and went through those in the next two days.

Then I went to another convenience store and bought them out. Then another. Then another. Quickly, the sweet XXX gold dried up and I haven’t found any since, which has caused me to have withdrawals. Not only have I been shaking and paranoid, there also have been nights when I looked through my recycle bin and pulled out all the XXX bottles to see if any of them had just a drop of that sweet, slightly-watery tasting liquid, that at this point, I would totally suck a dick for, much like other addicts would in my situation.

Maybe now that Coke has bought Glacéau, I have to suck on Coke’s cock to get more of it. I just hope it’s not as thick as a can of Coke or as long as a 20-ounce bottle.

I went multiple times to see my dealer that hangs out at 7-Eleven and asked how I can get more of it, but my dealer, who likes to be called “7-Eleven Manager,” told me that she wished she could get her hands on the stuff too since it sells out pretty fast. She then told me she’s got other Glacéau Vitamin Water flavors that she can sell me that are just as good the XXX, but I told her, “Naw man, I want the real deal. None any of that pussy shit.”

But I may just have to settle for the pussy shit for now, because I’m getting desperate.

O-h-h-h-h, how I miss the feeling I get when those antioxidants are in my bloodstream. It makes me feel so good. The combination of XXX’s sweet taste and molecules that slow or prevent the oxidation of other molecules makes me feel invincible against free radicals. I don’t get that shit with the bitter-tasting broccoli or green tea.

The Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water gets its name from the three antioxidant-containing fruits in it — acai, blueberry, and pomegranate. With a flavor name like XXX, I expected it to taste like ball sack sweat and KY Jelly, but those three fruits form a delicious, sweet fruit punch flavor that I want so badly I would gladly kill for it.

Each bottle has 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet antioxidants, but unfortunately, 150 milligrams of it is Vitamin C, which I can easily get my hands on from any dealer who sells oranges or Sunny Delight. It’s the other 50 milligrams of antioxidants that I want flowing through my bloodstream. Sure, it’s got 13 grams of sugar per serving, but that’s way less than one of my other former addictions, Mountain Dew.

O-h-h-h-h man, I totally need a fix.

(Nutritional Facts Per Serving (2.5 servings per container): 50 calories, zero fat, zero cholesterol, zero sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 13 grams of sugar, zero protein, 100% Vitamin C, 10% Vitamin B3, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Vitamin B5.)

Item: Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water
Price: $1.39 (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruit punch flavor. Lots of Vitamin C. Seems sweeter than other Vitamin Water flavors. 50 milligrams of antioxidants other than Vitamin C. Some amounts of B Vitamins. Velvet Revolver. Kosher. Electrolytes. Healthier than soda.
Cons: Vitamin C is the most plentiful antioxidant in the bottle, which is plentiful among dealers. Hard to find. My addiction to antioxidants. The demons in my head. Contains less than 1% juice. I would suck Coke’s cock for some. My former addiction to clown porn.

Experts recommend that we drink at least eight glasses of water every day. Of course, drinking those eight glasses can help your complexion, aid weight loss, and at times, makes you think about wearing adult diapers to reduce the number of times you have to walk to the restroom each day.

Perhaps the hardest part about drinking eight glasses of water every day is the water itself. Water is the beverage equivalent of the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric — its content is very important, but it’s pretty boring.

Occasionally, I need to force myself to drink water, due to it being unexciting. When the situation arises, I like to think of water either as 7-Up without the carbonation and lemon-lime flavor; vodka without the fun, allergic reaction and blurted out secrets that I promised friends I would keep to myself; or tears from an angel.

I’m kind of exciting about the new PUR Flavor Options, which can possibly turn ordinary filtered tap water into something that’s the water equivalent of Canada’s Naked News — something different, refreshing and with a little bit of flavor. You can add as much or as little fruit flavor to your PUR filtered water with a push of a button.

PUR Flavor Options are available in a pitcher or faucet mount and comes in three flavors: raspberry, strawberry and peach. They contain no calories, sugars or dyes. PUR Flavor Options pitchers retail for $29.99, the faucet mounts at $49.99 and the flavor cartridges, which are sold in two-packs, retail for $9.99.

[Site:] Pur Flavor Options

I think Kona Deep Water has the same name as a porn I’ve either owned, watched, rented, or downloaded via BitTorrent.

Just to make sure, I’m going to see if I have it in my walk-in porn closet. I knew alphabetizing my collection would come in handy one day.

Oh wait, no pun intended.

So let’s see now. 2 Deep, 2 Deep 2, Ass Deep, Ass Deep 2, Balls Deep, Balls Deep 2, Balls Deep 3, Balls Deep 4, Balls Deep 5, Balls Deep 6, Balls Deep 7, Balls Deep in the Orient, Best of Deep Throat, Big Deep Throat Girls, Deep Anal, Deep and Wet, Deep Black Ass, Deep Black Ass 2, Deep Cheeks, Deep Cheeks 2, Deep Cheeks 3, Deep Chill, Deep Crack College (got this one via a buy four get one free sale), Deep Dark Sex Secrets, Deep Desire, Deep Desires, Deep Dildos, Deep Dippin Anal Babes, Deep Dish Booty Pie, Deep Dripping Cream Pies, Deep Face, Deep Heat, Deep In Cream, Deep In Cream 8…Next shelf.

Deep in the Booty, Deep in the Chunk, Deep in the Hole, Deep in the Muff, Deep in the Trunk, Deep in the Woods, Deep Indulgence, Deep Inside, Deep Inside Again, Deep Inside Asia Carrera (best pornstar ever), Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 1, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 10, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 14, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 15 (dirtiest in the series), Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 32, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 37 (best in the series), Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 38, Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes 40, Deep Inside Granny…Next shelf.

Deep Inside Him (WTF is that doing here?), Deep Inside Jenna, Deep Into Tight Blonde Bottoms, Deep on the Dick, Deep Oral Ladies, Deep Oral Teens, Deep Penetration, Deep Pink, Deep Plunge, Deep Rub, Deep Throat (classic), Deep Throat 3, Deep Throat 4, Deep Throat Anal, Deep Throat Fantasies, Deep Throat Girls, Deep Throat Grannie, Deep Throat Pros, Deep Throat Sluts, Deep Throat This, Deep Throat This 20, Deep Throat This 35…Next shelf.

Deep Throatin’ Black Freaks, Deep Trouble, Deep Throat Virgins (sadly, all the actresses in it seemed to be quite adept at deep throating), Deep Tush, Down Deep, Fast Times at Deep Crack High 2, Fast Times at Deep Crack High 3, Fast Times at Deep Crack High 4 (got it via a buy two Fast Times at Deep Crack High DVDs and get one free), Goin’ Deep, Hard and Deep, Hittin’ It Deep, Never So Deep, Newcummers N 2 Deep, She Takes It Deep, Skin Deep, Stick It In Deep and Watch Her Weep, Supa Deep, We Go Deep, We Go Deep 2, and We Go Deep 3.

Nope, no Kona Deep. I guess I was either mistaken or I truly haven’t watched all the porn in the world.

Oh, I wonder if it’s in my VHS tape porn collection in storage?

Anyway, the Kona Deep Water come from the Kona Coast, the same place as the previously TIB reviewed Koyo Deep Sea Water. Deep sea water is popular in Japan due to the water being rich in electrolytes and nutrients, which probably won’t make a difference if you drink it once in awhile. At $1.99 a bottle, it’s a water that most people can only afford to drink once in awhile.

According to the bottle, the source of Kona Deep is pumped in from a depth of 3,000 feet and it is, “the pristine, ice-cold water from glaciers off the coast of Greenland that sand deep into the ocean thousands of years ago, settling into an undersea current known as the Global Conveyor Belt. This ancient, deep seawater slowly and continuously journeys the world from the North Atlantic to the remote Hawaiian Archipelago.”

If you’ve had bottled water in your life, you’ve probably tasting something close to what Kona Deep water tastes like. Just like how non-Asians think all Asian look alike, I really can’t tell any significant differences between bottled spring water and bottled deep sea water. It doesn’t even have a salty taste. They taste pretty much the same, although I will admit the deep sea water does go down a little smoother. Although, I really don’t mind if the water I drink goes down a little hard.

Speaking of going down hard, my walk-in porn closet seems to be missing my DVD of Going Down Hard.

Item: Kona Deep Water
Price: $1.99 (16.9 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like filtered bottled water but smoother. Rich in electrolytes and nutrients. Zero calories. Zero fat. Not salty. Deep Throat is a classic. My walk-in porn closet.
Cons: It’s not a porn title. Can’t notice a significant difference between regular bottled water and deep sea water. More expensive than Evian. 3000 feet is deep. 3000 inches is also deep. Hiding my walk-in porn closet.

(Editor’s Note: When reading this review, please turn your internal reading voice into the voice of a crazy elderly person.)

Oh, I remember a time when water was just water. Oh my, how it has grown over the years. I remember a time when we didn’t get water out of a faucet or a bottle. Instead we would lower a bucket into a well and drink our fill using our cupped hands. That water was so refreshing, except whenever the town drunk would urinate into the well after a long night at the local tavern.

Oh, those were such different times back then. Simpler, if you will.

Oh, I remember those days when humans and forest animals would get along and come together every night to sing jolly melodies and tell adventurous tales of Lewis & Clark’s expedition across America with their grizzly bear companions, the Berenstain Bears and Fozzie Bear.

Oh, those were such wonderful times back then. Peaceful, if you will.

Oh, I remember when we would have competitions with each other to see who could climb to the top of the tallest redwood trees in the forest. Little blue men that called themselves Smurfs would cheer us on with the chant that went like this, “Smurf. Smurf. Smurf.” Then whenever we reached the top, we would say hello to the horned winged horses that circled around the treetops waiting for a rider. From the top of the trees we would leap onto the backs of one of the horned winged horses and whisper the magical words “giddy up” in its ear and it would take us to a magical land filled with edible gingerbread houses, roads paved with chocolate, and rivers flowing with apple juice.

Oh, those were such entertaining times back then. Merry, if you will.

Oh, I also have memories of wooing fair maidens at the local tavern. I would put on my finest Mongolian silk suit, which I purchased for ten dollars from a man of Oriental persuasion. I would drink a few ales to raise my courage so that I may bring myself to converse with the fair maiden with the most amount of teeth using words of poetry equal to a Shakespearian sonnet, like “Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.”

Oh, those were such lovely times back then. Charming, if you will.

Oh, what magical well does this Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water come from? Is it the same place where those horned winged horses come from? It’s much more refreshing than the urine-tainted water from a well, because it has a decent light strawberry kiwi taste, but the texture of it was oddly kind of gritty, like licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes.

Oh, just like fair maidens at a local tavern, it isn’t sweet, and it shouldn’t since it only has eight grams of sugar. If you’re drinking the Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water, you’re probably not drinking it for the sugar anyway, you’re drinking it for the five grams of protein it has, which is more than half the amount of protein in a cup of milk,

Oh, milk. That brings back a memory when we used to suck on a cow’s udder for nourishment and to quench our thirst when the local drunk would urinate into the well. We would lie under Bessy the Cow and suck on one of her teats for hours, while watching the clouds and horned winged horses go by.

Oh, those were the days.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water
Price: $1.39 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent light strawberry kiwi taste. Not too sweet. Only 50 calories per bottle. 5 grams of protein = 10% of daily allowance. 8 grams of sugar per bottle. Licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes. Sucking on Bessy the Cow’s teat. The magical land filled with gingerbread houses, roads of chocolate, and rivers of apple juice.
Cons: Gritty texture. Not a good source of other vitamins and minerals. A cup of milk has more protein. Excessive use of “oh.” When the town drunk would urinate into the well.

I need to figure out which one of these four scenarios using Ethos Water would guarantee me a ticket into hell.

Scenario One - Visit a third-world country, like Ethiopia, and hold a wet t-shirt contest using hundreds of bottles of Ethos Water to wet the t-shirts in a village that has no clean drinking water.

Scenario Two - Make my way to Honduras, one of the poorest countries in the Americas, and have a car wash in a town that has very little drinking water and not many cars, using thousands of bottles of Ethos Water to rinse off the cars.

Scenario Three - Fly by helicopter to a remote African desert village that has no drinking water with a huge bathtub. Then fill the bathtub with Ethos Water, while also pouring bubble bath soap. Then I would soak in the bathtub for about one minute, occasional make “bubbles” of my own, and then dump the water onto the hot ground and watch it evaporate.

Scenario Four - Getting a bunch of my friends and giving each of them a Super Soaker. Then we’ll all drive to a little village in India without any clean drinking water and turn it into a Super Soaker battlefield, using Ethos Water as our ammo.

After reading this, some of you might be wishing that I do end up in hell and Lucifer sticks one of his horns up my ass for being so cruel to those thirsty people. But if you think about it, I don’t think any of these scenarios would get me a free pass into hell because with all the Ethos Water I would be purchasing, I would actually be helping those people get clean drinking water.

Yes, by wasting clean drinking water, I would be helping those people in third-world countries get clean drinking water. For each bottle of Ethos Water purchased, five cents will be donated towards the goal of contributing $10 million over the next five years to alleviate the world water crisis.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Holy cheap ass bastards, Marvo! Five whole frickin’ cents!

For something that retails for almost two dollars, you would think they could be a little more charitable. At five cents per bottle, they would have to sell 200 million bottles of Ethos Water to reach their $10 million goal.

If they donated ten cents per bottle, they would make a whole lot more to bring clean drinking water to many countries and still have enough for ONE My Super Sweet Sixteen party for some rich-ass spoiled bitch.

Two hundred million bottles may seem like a lot, but fortunately, Ethos Water is available at all Starbucks, which acquired Ethos Water in 2005.

As for the water itself, if I was a dehydrated child from a poor country, this Ethos Water would probably taste so damn good. But I’m a quasi-product review blog editor, and I think Ethos Water is just as refreshing as every other bottled water out there and tastes just like every other bottled water out there, except with a hint of good karma.

Five cents worth of good karma.

Item: Ethos Water
Price: $1.85
Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Helps children get clean water. Bigger than usual bottle (approx. 24 ounces). Five cents of good karma. Refreshing for quasi-product review blog editors. Really refreshing for dehydrated children in poor countries.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water. Only five cents of each bottle sold goes towards helping get clean drinking water. Tastes like every other bottled water.

Mmm…Water.

Up to 60 percent of our body is made up of it, it covers over 70 percent of the Earth’s surface, and it’s used in 99 percent of the world’s wet t-shirt contests.

Experts say that we should drink about eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day, which is enough to keep a person well hydrated and enough to have a four minute peeing session. There are so many ways we can get water into our bodies, like our kitchen faucets, bottled water on our store shelves, the water cooler at work, our neighbor’s garden hose, or wringing out t-shirts from a wet t-shirt contest.

However, the water from all those sources taste pretty much the same and sometimes that taste gets a little boring, like doing the missionary position ALL THE TIME.

Just the plain old missionary position, not even with a pillow under her hips to adjust the angle. No doggie style, reverse cowgirl, wild orchid, wheelbarrow, helicopter, playing of the cello, drilling for oil, or fettucini alfredo.

Or blossom flower, butterfly, peace sign, octopus, froggy, Italian chandelier, black bee, threading the needle, camel ride, T-square, or the Seventh Posture of the Perfumed Garden.

Fortunately, there are other beverages we can drink to get the water we need that don’t taste like the missionary position. For example, there’s coffee, tea, soda, sparking water, fruit juice, iced tea, lemonade, beer, milk, hot chocolate, and whatever comes out of Jack Lalanne’s Power Juicer. These are the doggie-style and Italian chandeliers of the beverage world, definitely different and a whole lot more fun.

However, sometimes doing it doggie-style or a helicopter can be either physically tiresome or it involves too much acrobatics, but despite this, we still want a little sweet, sweet lovin’. With the various beverages, sometimes we don’t want the sugar or the caffeine that comes with it, but want something with a little flavor.

Enter Hint Water.

I think the sexual position that best describes Hint Water would be spooning, because it’s simple, slightly different, and satisfying.

Each Hint Water is lightly infused with either a fruit or vegetable flavor, a “hint” of flavor, if you will. Just like the legs and armpits of hippie mountain women, the flavor is all natural.

I tried the cucumber, lime, apple, pear, and peppermint flavors. They were all refreshing. Each of them definitely had a hint of flavor to them, not enough to be considered a juice, but enough to not be considered regular bottled water. The flavors I tried tasted exactly how they should. In other words, they didn’t taste artificial. It’s like they took the soul of each fruit and vegetable and mixed it with the water.

Did I just blow your mind with that line?

Anyway, out of all of the flavors, the peppermint one was surprisingly my favorite.

At about two dollars per 15-ounce bottle, they’re smaller and pricer than 20-ounce bottles of regular bottled water, but if you’re bored with the missionary position and too tired to do anything from the Kama Sutra, I think spooning would be satisfying.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Kara, Hint Water CEO, for sending me sample bottles of Hint Water.)

Item: Hint Water
Price: FREE (Retails for about $2 per bottle)
Purchased at: Received free from Hint Water
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Refreshing. Definitely better than plain old bottled water or water from wet t-shirt contest t-shirts. Peppermint flavor was surprisingly refreshing. No sugar, artificial sweeteners, or calories. No artificial taste. Pretty bottles. All-natural, like hippie mountain women.
Cons: Significantly smaller and pricier than a regular 20-ounce bottled water. Must drink ice cold. Plain old boring missionary position.