Ugh. I don’t know whether my bladder and mind can take drinking anymore VitaminWater flavors.

Because of my excessive VitaminWater consumption, I’ve been having dreams that involve me standing at a public restroom urinal and peeing a rainbow. Standing at the urinal next to me is the Double Rainbow guy, who’s also peeing a rainbow. Because there isn’t a divider between the urinals, we stare at each other’s rainbow and then we look into each other’s eyes and simultaneously say, “Cross the streams.”

I scoot over a little bit at my urinal to make room for him, and without stopping his rainbow, he moves over to my urinal, spraying some of his rainbow onto the floor. When we both end up peeing into the same urinal, we cross our streams and he says the six words that made him famous, “Whoa. Double rainbow all the way.” I jump up and down with glee, causing me to spray some of my rainbow on the floor, wall, and on the Double Rainbow guy, who, after this happens, pulls out his iPhone and enters a new definition for the term “rainbow showers” into Urban Dictionary.

Then Dr. Egon Spengler busts into the restroom and tells us to not cross streams, but we continue to do so, and as a result, we’re all sent to an alternate universe where there’s no color. Then, the Kool-Aid man breaks through a brick wall and yells the two words that made him famous, “Oh yeah!” He’s followed by Bob Ross who also says, “Oh yeah” but more calmly. Then, Bob Ross uses his magical brushes and paint palette to bring color to the alternate universe, saving the day.

Then, I wake up and go take a leak, which is, sadly, just one color.

The rainbow’s colors differ in my dreams, and depend on which VitaminWater flavors I’ve recently guzzled. The rainbow was primarily orange and pink in my latest dream, because of my consumption of the new VitaminWater Zero Drive and VitaminWater Zero Glow.

VitaminWater Zero Drive, which is blood orange and mixed berry flavored, gets its name because it has natural caffeine and yerba mate, which should give drinkers the “drive” to do something ambitious, but will mostly be used to keep people awake at work or school. A bottle contains 75 milligrams of caffeine, which is slightly less than a skinny can of Red Bull, and significantly less than what caffeine junkies would need to prevent withdrawals.

Drive has an aroma that reminds me of an orange popsicle. Its flavor starts off orange and ends with berry. However, I’ve had blood oranges, and I wouldn’t describe the orange flavor Drive has as blood orange. Instead, I’d consider it just plain orange. Overall, I think for a VitaminWater Zero flavor, it’s good and I’d probably buy it again.

As for the strawberry and guanabana flavored VitaminWater Zero Glow, it contains biotin and vitamins A, C, and E, which are supposed to help support and maintain healthy skin, hair, and nails. So just like movies starring Meryl Streep, it sounds as if it’s meant for women. It has a tropical scent, which I thought was kind of strange until I did some research and found out guanabana has a flavor that, according to Wikipedia, “has been described as a combination of strawberry and pineapple with sour citrus flavor notes contrasting with an underlying creamy flavor reminiscent of coconut or banana.”

I could definitely taste the strawberry and a little bit of citrus in this VitaminWater, but overall I think its flavor tastes like what I imagine the color pink would taste like, if one could taste colors or if shredded Hello Kitty sandwiches existed. VitaminWater Zero Glow has an artificial sweetener aftertaste that I’ve had with beverages containing sucralose or aspartame, but it doesn’t contain either of them. Overall, I think it’s a decent VitaminWater flavor, but I’m skeptical the biotin and vitamins it contain will help one’s looks, unless you drink a bottle regularly.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to pee.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – VitaminWater Zero Drive – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 40% vitamin B6, 40% vitamin B5, 40% vitamin B3, and 40% vitamin B12. VitaminWater Zero Glow – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 20% vitamin E, 40% vitamin B6, 20% biotin, 40% vitamin C, 40% vitamin B3, 40% vitamin B12, 40% vitamin B5 and 10% zinc.)

Other VitaminWater Zero Drive and Glow reviews:
Foodette Reviews
Drink What

Item: Glacéau VitaminWater Zero Drive & VitaminWater Zero Glow
Price: $1.27
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Drive)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Glow)
Pros: Drive is tasty, contains sweet, sweet caffeine, and is an excellent source of vitamin C. Zero calories. Glow has a decent strawberry/citrus flavor. Peeing rainbows. Both are good sources of B vitamins. Bob Ross bringing color to my dream.
Cons: Peeing rainbows. Glow probably isn’t effective if not consumed on a regular basis. Drive’s orange flavor doesn’t taste like blood orange. Glow also has an artificial sweetener aftertaste. Shredded Hello Kitty sandwiches. Having dreams of sharing a urinal with someone else. Crossing the streams. Waiting for Ghostbusters 3.

Like all flavors of Vitamin Water, Tranquilo Vitamin Water promises to help you with some aspect of your life that is lacking. Need to boost your immune system? Drink a Defense Vitamin Water. Want something to help with your concentration? Consume Focus Vitamin Water. Need a jolt of energy? Tank an Energy Vitamin Water. Want to bring back someone from the dead so that you can play Resident Evil in real life? Pour a Revive Vitamin Water down their throat.

Tranquilo Vitamin Water helps you to relax and forget your troubles for a little while, like spending a weekend on the beach. But isn’t there another liquid that helps you temporarily forget your troubles much easier?

Alcohol? It somewhat does that, but not fast enough.

Homemade moonshine made with things found in a garage? Yes, it does have that ability, but it also has the power to “permanently make you forget your troubles,” cause you to become blind or make you imagine you’re talking to the 29th President of the United States Warren G. Harding about what’s on his iPod and being surprised that “Regulate” by Warren G is not on it.

What liquid am I thinking of?

Oh yeah, that’s right! Chloroform.

Tranquilo Vitamin Water looks like the water in a public toilet that hasn’t been flushed for days and it is flavored with tamarind and pineapple, although the ingredients list doesn’t directly mention them, but it does include the vague “natural flavor.” It’s also a decent source of vitamins, like A, C and E, but so is a serving of Cocoa Puffs, so that’s not really saying much.

The pineapple seems to dominate the scent and taste of the beverage, although to be honest, I have no idea what tamarind is and the first time I ever heard of it was when I picked up this bottle, so it might be the tamarind dominating the beverage. At first, I didn’t enjoy its flavor, which reminds me of a watered down Pina Colada Slurpee, but after drinking more of it, I began to like it. While it’s not my favorite Vitamin Water flavor (which is XXX Vitamin Water), it’s definitely in my top ten, which actually isn’t so impressive since there are only 13 Vitamin Water flavors.

So does Tranquilo Vitamin Water help me to relax and temporarily forget my troubles?

No, it doesn’t, because I’m getting totally worked up about the name Tranquilo. What kind of frickin’ name is that? Who just slaps an O at the end of something and makes a name from it? That’s just plain lazy.

Bah! Where’s my chloroform? I want to temporarily forget about that name.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 40% vitamin C, 10% vitamin E, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

(Note: We Rate Stuff reviewed the other new Vitamin Water flavor, Sync.)

Item: Glacéau Tranquilo Vitamin Water
Price: $2.39
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes decent after I got used to it. It’s got electrolytes. In my favorite top 10 list of Vitamin Water flavors. Contains vitamins A, C and E. Using chloroform to help me forget things. XXX Vitamin Water.
Cons: Tastes kind of weird at first. Lame name. Looks like water in a public toilet that hasn’t been flushed in days. Doesn’t help me relax and forget my troubles.

I could stuff this review for the Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water 10 with sexual references in every possible hole I could find, but I’m not going to get behind that and force something like that down your throats, because I’m better than that.

For example, I’m not going to talk about the three antioxidant-filled fruits in this beverage — acai, blueberry and pomegranate — coming together to form a cool, fruity manage-a-trois with so much pomegrindin’ that they would make each other turn blueberry and scream acai at the top of their lungs in orgasmic pleasure.

I’m not going to stoop to the crass level I’ve stooped to in hundreds of reviews before this one and in the previous two paragraph…and in the hundreds of reviews after this one. I’m going to try to be classy and make this review one that I wouldn’t be afraid to share with my parents and second graders, except for the first two paragraphs.

Glacéau’s XXX Vitamin Water 10 is the latest beverage to have the stevia sweetener Truvia added to it. The maker of the sweetener, Coca-Cola, has been pushing it hard up promoting their new sweetener a lot and have been slowly inserting it into adding it to various beverages across their numerous product lines. However Truvia is not the only sweetener in this beverage. Crystalline fructose and erythritol completes the sticky threesome trifecta of natural sweeteners.

Keep it clean, Marvo. Keep it clean.

While the XXX in its name represents the three fruits that provide the 50 milligrams of berry polyphenols and the flavor in this beverage, the 10 in its name symbolizes the 10 inches of man 10 calories it has per 8-ounce serving, which is one-fifth the calories in regular Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water. This is possible thanks to the foreskinned aforementioned Holy Trinity of group of natural sweeteners.

Focus, young Padawan.

While the Truvia-sweetened version has one-fifth of the calories found in regular XXX Vitamin Water, it also has about two-thirds of the flavor. So if you think regular Vitamin Water is too watery tasting, the lower calorie version will seem even more so with a weird aftertaste. Its color and smell also are lighter than the original version. I also wouldn’t recommend drinking it warm.

Yes. There you go. No sinful thoughts. No sinful thoughts.

…DAMMIT! I can’t take it anymore. FAIL.

The Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water 10 was good and it tasted how I expected it to taste, but it didn’t make me want to wrap my lips around its gloryhole and…(the copy here was taken out after it was deemed to be so extremely explicit it would make strippers blush and pornstars cheer).

Oh, me likey happy ending!

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

Item: Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water 10
Price: $1.49
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting when cold. Ten calories per serving. Good source of vitamin C. Decent source of B vitamins. Being able to express myself. Pomegrindin’.
Cons: Weird aftertaste. Tastes bad when warm. Taste not equivalent to regular XXX Vitamin Water. Uses three types of sweeteners. Contains only 1% juice. Trying to write a normal review.

I thought my addiction to clown porn was pretty bad, but my dependency on Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water is worse.

It started out innocently when I saw it at the store and wanted to try it out, because I’ll try anything just once. I thought I’d have some fun and then move on. I didn’t think anything would become of it, because who gets addicted off of something after trying it just one time? But after finishing a bottle, the demons in my head crawled out of my subconsciousness and told me they wanted more. I went back and bought the five bottles left on the shelf and went through those in the next two days.

Then I went to another convenience store and bought them out. Then another. Then another. Quickly, the sweet XXX gold dried up and I haven’t found any since, which has caused me to have withdrawals. Not only have I been shaking and paranoid, there also have been nights when I looked through my recycle bin and pulled out all the XXX bottles to see if any of them had just a drop of that sweet, slightly-watery tasting liquid, that at this point, I would totally suck a dick for, much like other addicts would in my situation.

Maybe now that Coke has bought Glacéau, I have to suck on Coke’s cock to get more of it. I just hope it’s not as thick as a can of Coke or as long as a 20-ounce bottle.

I went multiple times to see my dealer that hangs out at 7-Eleven and asked how I can get more of it, but my dealer, who likes to be called “7-Eleven Manager,” told me that she wished she could get her hands on the stuff too since it sells out pretty fast. She then told me she’s got other Glacéau Vitamin Water flavors that she can sell me that are just as good the XXX, but I told her, “Naw man, I want the real deal. None any of that pussy shit.”

But I may just have to settle for the pussy shit for now, because I’m getting desperate.

O-h-h-h-h, how I miss the feeling I get when those antioxidants are in my bloodstream. It makes me feel so good. The combination of XXX’s sweet taste and molecules that slow or prevent the oxidation of other molecules makes me feel invincible against free radicals. I don’t get that shit with the bitter-tasting broccoli or green tea.

The Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water gets its name from the three antioxidant-containing fruits in it — acai, blueberry, and pomegranate. With a flavor name like XXX, I expected it to taste like ball sack sweat and KY Jelly, but those three fruits form a delicious, sweet fruit punch flavor that I want so badly I would gladly kill for it.

Each bottle has 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet antioxidants, but unfortunately, 150 milligrams of it is Vitamin C, which I can easily get my hands on from any dealer who sells oranges or Sunny Delight. It’s the other 50 milligrams of antioxidants that I want flowing through my bloodstream. Sure, it’s got 13 grams of sugar per serving, but that’s way less than one of my other former addictions, Mountain Dew.

O-h-h-h-h man, I totally need a fix.

(Nutritional Facts Per Serving (2.5 servings per container): 50 calories, zero fat, zero cholesterol, zero sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 13 grams of sugar, zero protein, 100% Vitamin C, 10% Vitamin B3, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Vitamin B5.)

Item: Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water
Price: $1.39 (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruit punch flavor. Lots of Vitamin C. Seems sweeter than other Vitamin Water flavors. 50 milligrams of antioxidants other than Vitamin C. Some amounts of B Vitamins. Velvet Revolver. Kosher. Electrolytes. Healthier than soda.
Cons: Vitamin C is the most plentiful antioxidant in the bottle, which is plentiful among dealers. Hard to find. My addiction to antioxidants. The demons in my head. Contains less than 1% juice. I would suck Coke’s cock for some. My former addiction to clown porn.

Marvo: Okay. Whose 1916 U.S. presidential campaign slogan was: “He kept us out of war.”?

Glacéau SmartWater: That’s easy. Woodrow Wilson’s

Marvo: Dammit! You got the yellow wedge!

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, that means I’ve got all the wedges and all I need to do to kick your ass again at Trivial Pursuit is get back to the middle and answer one more question.

Marvo: The game isn’t over yet.

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh wait. Let me play you a song.

(Glacéau SmartWater pushes play on the stereo and Wilson Phillips’ Hold On starts playing.)

Marvo: What’s up with the Wilson Phillips? Have you been watching too much I Love the 90s?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear her?

Marvo: Hear who?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear the fat lady singing?

Marvo: Fat lady? Do you mean Carnie Wilson?

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, do you hear her singing?

Marvo: Dude, Carnie’s not fat anymore. Actually, she lost a lot of weight and she’s pretty hot now.

Glacéau SmartWater: But she was fat when she recorded the song.

Marvo: You’re being an prick, you know. Just because your first name is in French, doesn’t mean you have to act French.

Glacéau SmartWater: Whatever. Let’s get this over with so you can go crying back to your mamma. Maybe if you actually attended class and read your textbooks in college, I wouldn’t be whooping your ass for the umpteenth time.

Marvo: Well then, roll the dice you arrogant prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Why do you keep playing against me? Can’t you read? I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: More like SmartAssWater. Anyway, what makes you so special?

Glacéau SmartWater: No water purifies better. No water hydrates faster.

Marvo: Dude, you’re just reading your own label, you corporate shill. Besides how the hell can anyone tell if the water they’re drinking is hydrating them faster?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m electrolyte enhanced, beeyatch!

Marvo: So you’re like a flavorless and colorless Gatorade?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m better than Gatorade.

Marvo: Whatever. Just roll the dice.

(Glacéau SmartWater rolls the dice and gets a six.)

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh yeah! Six baby! Back to the middle for the win.

Marvo: Well I get to pick the category.

Glacéau SmartWater: It don’t matter. History. People and Places. Entertainment. Science. Sports. Literature. I know it all. I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: All right, let’s see if you can answer this science and nature question.

Glacéau SmartWater: Bring it!

Marvo: What major Eastern city was the first in the U.S. to boast a bloodmobile for dogs, in 1991?

Glacéau SmartWater: Let me think about that, Silly Willie. Maybe I should sing a little ditty? Is it getting kind of chilly? Oh look at that lily. Really?

Marvo: Shit! You know it, just say it.

Glacéau SmartWater: The answer is Philly, dear Billy. Philadelphia, beeyatch!

Marvo: Dammit!

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh! Do you know what time it is now?

Marvo: Oh shit. Not again.

Glacéau SmartWater: It’s peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? There he go. There he go. There he go. There he go. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Marvo: Frickin’ prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Don’t be a sore loser. You almost had me. At least you answered one question correctly this time.

Marvo: I’m not being a sore loser, you’re being a sore winner.

Glacéau SmartWater: Well maybe if your body was all water instead of 70 percent water, you’d be as smart as me.

Marvo: Oh, really?

(Marvo grabs Glacéau SmartWater opens him and drinks half the bottle.)

Glacéau SmartWater: HEY! HEY! HEY! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL, MAN!

Marvo: No, that WAS cool…and refreshing.

Item: Glacéau SmartWater
Purchase Price: $1.39 (33.8 fluid ounces)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Refreshing as revenge. Electrolyte enhanced. Pretty bottle. Better tasting than tap water. Peanut butter jelly time.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water in bigger sizes. Sore winner. A total prick. Know-it-all asshole.

(Editor’s Note: Today is Day Five of Energy Week…HOLY CRAP! IT’S MONDAY! Um, I’m sorry. I guess time flies when you’re watching VH1’s 100 Greatest Kid Stars. Well today I wrap up Energy Week with some Glacéau Vitamin Water. Not one flavor, not two flavors, but NINE flavors. Enjoy.)

I didn’t realize it until recently, but water is apparently making a comeback. Even if it’s been here for years. In bottles and on tap it appears. Making tears and when it rain, it makes mud. Listen to your throat go chug. Dehydration, overpowering. Jump into the bathroom, I’m showering.

Okay, okay, enough with the LL Cool J lyrics. I know, I know, I was stretching it a bit with the “overpowering/showering” rhyme.

Anyway, it seems like everyone is coming out with their own water or selling water. McDonald’s gives us the option of having bottled water with our Big Mac and fries. The Macy’s stores here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean even sell their own brand of bottled water.

With the amounts of bottled water being sold, I’m surprised Lil Jon hasn’t come up with his own brand of water called, Crunk Water.

Not only are there tons of bottled water to choose from, there’s also tons of flavored water to choose from, like lemon-flavored bottled water, berry-flavored bottle water, and orange-flavored water.

One particular brand of water I’ve been interested in is the Glacéau Vitamin Water, which comes in thirteen different flavors, each flavor contains a variety of vitamins and minerals, and each flavor has a different smart-ass label.

Now I was going to try all thirteen flavors, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find all thirteen flavors and I have a fear of the number thirteen. Although, it’s not like the fear/creepiness I had with the number sixteen, after seeing Lindsay Lohan’s picture for the first time, saying she was totally hot, finding out she was only sixteen years old, and waiting for someone to arrest me for saying an underaged girl was hot.

Anyway, I ended up getting just nine flavors, and I’m going to individually talk about each one.

Flavor: Essential
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Calcium
Taste: Orangy, like a very weak orange soda without the carbonation.
Perfect For: People who want to get some Vitamin C, but hate the feeling they get from drinking orange juice right after brushing their teeth.

Flavor: Rescue
Main Vitamins & Minerals: B Vitamins and Chamomile
Taste: It’s like I’m drinking tea leaves or flowers. Blech!
Perfect For: People wearing leis and want breath to match.

Flavor: Multi-V
Main Vitamins & Minerals: The name says it all.
Taste: Lemonade-ish. Pretty damn good.
Perfect For: People who don’t want to pay 25 cents for a small cup of crappy lemonade from some kid with a stand on the side of the road.

Flavor: Revive
Main Vitamins & Minerals: B Vitamins and Potassium
Taste: Like fruit punch, although significantly less fruity than Tom Cruise.
Perfect For: Anyone appearing on the reality show, Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Flavor: Stress-B
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamins B3, B5, B6, and B12
Taste: Like a watered-down lemon-lime soda, except without the carbonation.
Perfect For: “Runaway Bride” Jennifer Wilbanks before her next wedding.

Flavor: Balance
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Glucosamine
Taste: Cranberry and grapefruit-ish. Definitely not my favorite.
Perfect For: People who want to make sure they walk in a straight line after being pulled over by a police officer.

Flavor: Focus
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin A and Ginkgo
Taste: Kiwi-strawberry mix. Pretty good.
Perfect For: People who have to sit through a timeshare presentation and don’t want to get caught spacing out. Or people on weed.

Flavor: Power-C
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Taurine
Taste: What the heck is dragonfruit and why does it taste weird?
Perfect For: Those who hate oranges, lemons, and limes, but don’t want to get scurvy.

Flavor: Endurance
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin E and Ribose
Taste: Nice peach-mango taste.
Perfect For: Long distance runners, workaholics, and Sting, before one of his marathon Tantric sex sessions.

Item: Glacéau Vitamin Water
Purchase Price: $1.79 each
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Smart-ass labels. Wide variety of flavors. Good way to get vitamins and minerals. Better than water from a garden hose, unless the garden hose is attached to a slip ‘n slide.
Cons: Pricey. Some flavors weren’t very good. Couldn’t find all the flavors.