Ugh. I don’t know whether my bladder and mind can take drinking anymore VitaminWater flavors.

Because of my excessive VitaminWater consumption, I’ve been having dreams that involve me standing at a public restroom urinal and peeing a rainbow. Standing at the urinal next to me is the Double Rainbow guy, who’s also peeing a rainbow. Because there isn’t a divider between the urinals, we stare at each other’s rainbow and then we look into each other’s eyes and simultaneously say, “Cross the streams.”

I scoot over a little bit at my urinal to make room for him, and without stopping his rainbow, he moves over to my urinal, spraying some of his rainbow onto the floor. When we both end up peeing into the same urinal, we cross our streams and he says the six words that made him famous, “Whoa. Double rainbow all the way.” I jump up and down with glee, causing me to spray some of my rainbow on the floor, wall, and on the Double Rainbow guy, who, after this happens, pulls out his iPhone and enters a new definition for the term “rainbow showers” into Urban Dictionary.

Then Dr. Egon Spengler busts into the restroom and tells us to not cross streams, but we continue to do so, and as a result, we’re all sent to an alternate universe where there’s no color. Then, the Kool-Aid man breaks through a brick wall and yells the two words that made him famous, “Oh yeah!” He’s followed by Bob Ross who also says, “Oh yeah” but more calmly. Then, Bob Ross uses his magical brushes and paint palette to bring color to the alternate universe, saving the day.

Then, I wake up and go take a leak, which is, sadly, just one color.

The rainbow’s colors differ in my dreams, and depend on which VitaminWater flavors I’ve recently guzzled. The rainbow was primarily orange and pink in my latest dream, because of my consumption of the new VitaminWater Zero Drive and VitaminWater Zero Glow.

VitaminWater Zero Drive, which is blood orange and mixed berry flavored, gets its name because it has natural caffeine and yerba mate, which should give drinkers the “drive” to do something ambitious, but will mostly be used to keep people awake at work or school. A bottle contains 75 milligrams of caffeine, which is slightly less than a skinny can of Red Bull, and significantly less than what caffeine junkies would need to prevent withdrawals.

Drive has an aroma that reminds me of an orange popsicle. Its flavor starts off orange and ends with berry. However, I’ve had blood oranges, and I wouldn’t describe the orange flavor Drive has as blood orange. Instead, I’d consider it just plain orange. Overall, I think for a VitaminWater Zero flavor, it’s good and I’d probably buy it again.

As for the strawberry and guanabana flavored VitaminWater Zero Glow, it contains biotin and vitamins A, C, and E, which are supposed to help support and maintain healthy skin, hair, and nails. So just like movies starring Meryl Streep, it sounds as if it’s meant for women. It has a tropical scent, which I thought was kind of strange until I did some research and found out guanabana has a flavor that, according to Wikipedia, “has been described as a combination of strawberry and pineapple with sour citrus flavor notes contrasting with an underlying creamy flavor reminiscent of coconut or banana.”

I could definitely taste the strawberry and a little bit of citrus in this VitaminWater, but overall I think its flavor tastes like what I imagine the color pink would taste like, if one could taste colors or if shredded Hello Kitty sandwiches existed. VitaminWater Zero Glow has an artificial sweetener aftertaste that I’ve had with beverages containing sucralose or aspartame, but it doesn’t contain either of them. Overall, I think it’s a decent VitaminWater flavor, but I’m skeptical the biotin and vitamins it contain will help one’s looks, unless you drink a bottle regularly.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to pee.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – VitaminWater Zero Drive – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 40% vitamin B6, 40% vitamin B5, 40% vitamin B3, and 40% vitamin B12. VitaminWater Zero Glow – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 20% vitamin E, 40% vitamin B6, 20% biotin, 40% vitamin C, 40% vitamin B3, 40% vitamin B12, 40% vitamin B5 and 10% zinc.)

Other VitaminWater Zero Drive and Glow reviews:
Foodette Reviews
Drink What

Item: Glacéau VitaminWater Zero Drive & VitaminWater Zero Glow
Price: $1.27
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Drive)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Glow)
Pros: Drive is tasty, contains sweet, sweet caffeine, and is an excellent source of vitamin C. Zero calories. Glow has a decent strawberry/citrus flavor. Peeing rainbows. Both are good sources of B vitamins. Bob Ross bringing color to my dream.
Cons: Peeing rainbows. Glow probably isn’t effective if not consumed on a regular basis. Drive’s orange flavor doesn’t taste like blood orange. Glow also has an artificial sweetener aftertaste. Shredded Hello Kitty sandwiches. Having dreams of sharing a urinal with someone else. Crossing the streams. Waiting for Ghostbusters 3.

Update: Click here to read our VitaminWater Zero Glow and VitaminWater Zero Drive review

There are two new VitaminWater Zero flavors available to frustrate those who think they’ve tried ever VitaminWater variety in existence. VitaminWater Zero Glow is a strawberry and guanabana (yes, that’s a real fruit) flavored water that contains biotin and vitamins E and A to “help support & maintain healthy skin, hair, and nails.” VitaminWater Zero Drive is a blood orange and mixed berry flavored water that has 100 percent of your daily intake of vitamin C and 75 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20-ounce bottle, which it gets from coffee beans and yerba mate extract.

Both also contain electrolytes and 40 percent of your daily recommended consumption of vitamins B3, B5, B6, and B12. While I do think VitaminWater Zero Drive is useful, thanks to the sweet caffeine, I’m not sure how effective VitaminWater Zero Glow will be with helping one’s skin. With Drive, I can drink just one and the sweet, sweet caffeine will help give me a boost of energy when I’m watching bunda videos on YouTube at three in the morning, but with Glow, I imagine you’d have to drink more than one bottle for it to be beneficial.

And that’s how they getcha!

Turning water into something other than water hasn’t only been done by Jesus, it’s been done by Crystal Light, Gatorade, Kool-Aid, and Tang. The problem with these mixes is that they come in powder form, which means I’m either going to have to deal with tearing off the tops of little packets or possibly choke on a cloud of fruity powder that rises out of a container of Kool-Aid I accidentally dropped and then opened before everything inside could settle.

But, soon, we’ll have another choice to turn plain old water into flavored plain old water with Kraft’s MiO. Unlike the previous mixes I mentioned, MiO isn’t a powder mix, it’s a liquid water enhancer. Or a liquid flavor concentrate, if you will.

All it takes is few droplets from MiO’s pocket-friendly water droplet-shaped container to turn Mother Nature’s tears into flavored Mother Nature’s tears. Or if you’re like me with a bottle of chocolate syrup and a glass of milk, you can put as much of it as you want in your water. MiO has zero calories and no artificial flavor, but it does contain artificial colors, artificial sweeteners, and preservatives.

MiO will launch nationwide on March 7 and come in six flavors: berry pomegranate, fruit punch, mango peach, peach tea, sweet tea, and strawberry watermelon. It will retail for $3.99 and one bottle can make 24 8-ounce servings.

Here are a few product review posted today from other blogs we follow.

Drinking water is good for your skin. Drinking a four dollar water that claims to be really good for your skin sounds bad for what’s stored inside the leather skin that make up some wallets. (via I Ate A Pie)

Not even SPAM lovers eat SPAM Lite. (via Probably Edible)

Skewered grilled chicken in a can from Japan sounds awful. Unless you love cheeseburger in a can. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

I thought Brazil was only know for soccer, pubic hair waxing, exporting supermodels and having the largest Japanese population outside of Japan, but it’s apparently also known for guarana. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Because I can’t read Japanese, I can’t read the label on this bottle of Hello Kitty Water. So I don’t know if this water came from a special spring located at the bottom of Mount Fuji or a Hello Kitty bidet, but it tastes like any other bottled water.

However, what’s really special about it, beside coming in a bottle shaped like Hello Kitty sitting on a gem, is it would cost you around four and a half US dollars if you purchased it in Japan.

The only bottled waters I can think of that could be equally or more expensive than this Hello Kitty Water are those purchased at a movie theater or on a golf course, those bottled at a particular spring in Fiji and those paid for with bloodshed in a post-apocalyptic world.

Yup, four fiddy for plain ol’ water packaged in a bottle that will appeal to 10-year-old girls, 32-year-old women who have adorned their automobiles with Hello Kitty steering wheel covers and car seat covers, and that one woman who drives a pink Pontiac Firebird with a gigantic Hello Kitty face on the car’s hood instead of the iconic firebird image. That woman will also be in a future episode of Hoarders several years from now because her clusterfuck of Hello Kitty memorabilia, consisting of items like Hello Kitty Kotex pads, used Hello Kitty contact lenses and empty bottles of Hello Kitty Water, is endangering her family.

I wish I could say there are gold cinnamon flakes shaped like Hello Kitty floating in it or it has a slight salty flavor like it’s supposed to taste like Hello Kitty sweat or Hello Kitty tears, but it doesn’t. Nor is it Hello Kitty spit, because, of course, it wouldn’t make any sense since Hello Kitty lacks a mouth to produce it. It just tastes like any filtered bottled water that I could purchase at a nearby convenience store for about a dollar or get for free if I pretend I completed a 5K by jumping into the line with all the finishers.

Since I’m not a Hello Kitty fanboy, the only really positive thing I can say about Hello Kitty Water is that, with every sip, it looks like I’m sucking the life out of Hello Kitty, which, if it were the real Hello Kitty, I would consider payback for sucking out my masculinity whenever I step into or walk by a Sanrio store.

Overall, I think with Hello Kitty Water, it’s not about how thirsty you are, it’s more about how much of a thirst you have for Hello Kitty products.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat…oh, who am I kidding? It’s frickin’ water.)

Item: Hello Kitty Water
Price: 367 yen (about $4.50 US)
Size: 265 ml
Purchased at: Somewhere in Japan
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Awesome for Hello Kitty superfans. Awesome to find for those searching for clean drinking water in a post-apocalyptic world. The bottle’s Hello Kitty shape. Getting free food if I look like I just ran in a 5K. Drinking it looks like I’m sucking the life out of Hello Kitty.
Cons: Expensive for a bottle of water. It’s just water. Probably hard to find outside of Japan. Buying bottled water at a movie theater or on a golf course. Having a house stuffed with Hello Kitty memorabilia and being featured on Hoarders because of it. Not Hello Kitty sweat or tears.

I love VitaminWater, like Kim Kardashian loves NFL players.

Perhaps I have a fondness towards VitaminWater because I enjoy variety and there are so many VitaminWater variations. If all the flavors were bound together in book form, the number of varieties would make it feel like one is flipping through the Kama Sutra. There are so many VitaminWater flavors that there is no human on Earth who has more fingers and toes than VitaminWater flavors, even those who have polydactyly.

Because Glacéau pumps out VitaminWater flavors at a rate usually only seen on TLC reality shows, developing new ones must be easy. I’m talking putting on shoes with Velcro straps instead of shoelaces easy.

It’s as if the folks at Glacéau sneak onto the Wheel of Fortune set and spin the wheel to determine which color they’re going to use. Then they mash ingredients together to determine which ones would make that color. Then they figure out which part of the body it’s supposed to help by staring at Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man drawing. Then they have a 14-year-old girl send thousands of text messages, pull the thousands of misspelled words and choose one for the flavor’s name. Finally, they have a copywriter, who uses a keyboard that’s built with high voltage electrified caps lock and shift keys to discourage use of them, type out the description of the flavor that ends up on the bottle’s label.

Doesn’t that sound easy peasy lemon squeezy?

stur-D is the latest VitaminWater flavor and it combines blue agave, passion fruit and citrus. An 8-ounce serving of it contains 10 percent of your daily recommended intake of calcium and vitamin D to help maintain bones. stur-D also has 120 percent of vitamin C and 40 percent of several B vitamins per eight-ounce serving, and it’s got what plants crave. It’s got electrolytes.

Most VitaminWater flavors taste like juice that had an entire tray of ice melt in them, but this blue colored beverage seems sweeter. This could be because it contains five percent juice, or because it has three different sweeteners (crystalline fructose, cane sugar and rebiana). It has a pleasant tropical-ish flavor with the passion fruit on the front end, and the citrus on the back end. I also notice a little berry flavor.

VitaminWater stur-D is good, but I’m not sure drinking it is as effective at maintaining strong bones as a cup of milk or soymilk, which have around 30 percent of your daily recommended intake of calcium and vitamin D per serving. Personally, I prefer to get my calcium and vitamin D the old fashioned way — eating cheese while sunbathing in the nude.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 40 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 120% vitamin C, 10% vitamin D, 40% vitamin B6, 40% vitamin B5, 10% calcium, 40% vitamin B3 and 40% vitamin B12.)

Other VitaminWater Stur-D reviews:
Foodette Reviews
Drink What

Item: Glacéau VitaminWater stur-D
Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant tropical-ish flavor. The variety of VitaminWater. Excellent source of vitamin C. Good source of B vitamins. Eating cheese while sunbathing in the nude. It’s got what plants crave.
Cons: Only 10 percent of your daily recommended intake of calcium and vitamin D. Keyboard keys that shock you. Use of lowercase and uppercase letters. Might be a little too sweet for some. The Kardashians.