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Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools

Written by | November 7, 2005

Topics: Books


Oh yeah, baby!


Versatile Office Nipple Clips! That’s what I’m talking about!


Me likey! Me likey!


Me love you long time!

W-w-what? I’m sorry. I was having a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream. I get them after looking through product catalogs and finding a bunch of stuff I’d like to review. This time I was looking through Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, a parody on office supply catalogs.

Office supply catalogs to a quasi-product review blog editor are like stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogs to creepy lonely men and Russian mail order bride catalogs to creepy old lonely men. We love looking through them, letting our imaginations run wild, and occasionally getting pages of a catalog stuck together.

Although, now that I think about it, here at the Impulsive Buy we hardly ever review office supplies and equipment. I believe we don’t review them because they’re kind of boring. Except for staple removers, which make decent S&M toys.

However, the selection in Stooples included many items that would easily cause any quasi-product review blog editor to cream in their pants. Some of my favorites included:

The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword for 49 cents

Description from Stooples: Now you can test this adage for yourself. Charge into battle wailing and flailing your pen against master swordsmen, knife-wielding psychos, manicurists with attitude and others armed with sharp weaponry. Not enough of a challenge? Take on Bloods and Crips, Peruvian rebel bases and Libya. Still not enough of a challenge? How ’bout I beat you upside the head with this book.

Versatile Office Nipple Clips for 39 cents

Description from Stooples: Many steel-tempered, nickel-plated binder clips are good for either gripping reports or clamping nipples, but never both. Until now. Our rectangular design holds paper, nipples, with equal efficiency and optimum compression. Durable grasp doesn’t weaken over time or tugging. Option: you may remove arms for permanent binding, but think carefully.

Typo Whip for $29.99

Description from Stooples: Teach your secretary the value of proofreading. Woven strands of correction tape form foot-long whip; allow on-the-spot disciplinary action for forgetting to spell-check. Punish letter-dropping, reverse wording and too much spacing. Horsewhip or cat-o’-nine tails.

Downsizing LSD (Layoff Soother & Depressant) for $29.99 per tablet

Description from Stooples: Delivering news about layoffs is no fun for anyone, but the last thing you need is an irate ex-employee chasing you around a desk with a letter opener. Downsizing LSD keeps things calm. Simply place in coffee (theirs, not yours) and within minutes they’re ready to hear anything. Closing entire office? Downsizing LSD tablets can be placed in company watercoolers. Employ 83% of the local workforce and now you’re moving the entire operation to Guatemala? Seed passing cloud formations with industrial strength LSD, pray for rain, run like hell. Also available: Human Resource Halcyon.

God, I would totally kill for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, and if I had The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, I could use it to kill someone for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword.

Of course, since Stooples is a parody of an office supply catalog, I can only dream of the stuff I could’ve reviewed — and then in the morning clean up whatever mess I made from dreaming.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Adam Najberg, a co-author of the book, for sending me a copy of Stooples. Perhaps this book will give office supply companies ideas and I hope that many of them come to fruition, especially The Pen That is Mightier Than the Sword, because there are a couple of swords I’d like to take down. I’m talking to you, Tommy Lee! Also, go check out the Stooples website.)

Item: Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Hilarious book. One of the best ways to give a quasi-product review blog editor a boner. Perfect for those who like to look at pretty pictures and not have a lot of words get in the way…or illiterate people.
Cons: Since none of the products can be ordered, it’s one of the best ways to give blue balls to a quasi-product review blog editor. I didn’t come up with the idea.

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The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People

Written by | January 5, 2005

Topics: Books

100 Simple Secrets of Successful People

I’m slightly disappointed that I wasn’t a finalist in any of the categories I was nominated for at the Best of Blogs (BoB) Awards (Thanks to Yam, Suzanne, and Mellie for nominating me). Honestly, I thought there was a slim chance that it would happen.

Okay, I’m lying.

I’m NOT disappointed at all, but just in case my non-disappointment turns into slight disappointment, I decided to read “The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People” by Dr. David Niven.

For those who have read the Impulsive Buy for a while, you may remember that I reviewed another book by Dr. Niven, “The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People.” I read it to help me remain happy as I dealt with a comment spam problem, which I have under control.

After reading this book, I now have some simple secrets that will help me continue to be NOT disappointed by the fact I wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards.

Simple Secret Number 39: Learn from Losses

So what did I learn from not being a finalist?

I learned that it’s okay to be a loser. It’s okay that I can’t win class elections or a woman’s heart.

Good things happen to losers. For example, take a look at Clay Aiken. He went from being a loser to becoming…Um…A loser.

Okay, bad example.

Simple Secret Number 64: You Are Not in This Alone

Yes, the Impulsive Buy is not alone. There were several great blogs that didn’t end up as finalists that deserved to be, like Tiny Voices in My Head, I Think I Want to Be A Comedian, and My So-Called Strife.

I think we all should form the Special Olympics version of the BoB Awards, where EVERYONE is a winner and EVERYONE receives a medal.

Simple Secret Number 81: Be Realistic About Yourself

Okay, we’ve had some REALLY lame reviews, like Peanut Butter M-Azing & Crunchy M-Azing (The worst blog post EVER!), Sobe Adrenaline Rush (A steaming pile of blogging doo-doo.), and Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles (So horrible that it made poet Sylvia Plath want to kill herself again.), just to name a few.

Simple Secret Number 83: Own What You Do

We weren’t a finalist, but I think the Impulsive Buy is bar none the number one quasi-product review blog in the entire blogosphere. Although with millions of blogs out there, I could be wrong.

If I am wrong, I must find the other quasi-product review blogs and DESTROY THEM!!! CRUSH THEM!!! BEAT THEM!!! BURY THEM!!! THEN PISS ON THEM!!!

Simple Secret Number 93: You’ll Get Knocked Down and Then Get Back Up

Okay I really didn’t get knocked down, but I will pretend like I did. Check this out.


Oh, no!

Help! I’ve fallen and can’t get up!

(End Scene)

Wow. Now I feel even more NOT disappointed.

I guess this book really does work.

Editor’s Note: Honestly, go check out the BoB Awards. There are some really good reads there.

Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People by David Niven Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $8.96 (
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. Inexpensive book. I wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards, but I’m NOT disappointed. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down. (Yeah, Chumbawumba reference!)
Cons: Um…Wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards?

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The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.

Written by | October 29, 2004

Topics: Books

100 Simple Secrets of Happy People


Who the hell are you “texas holdem” and “your lazy ass” and why are you two sending me comment spam that makes absolutely no sense?

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” says texas holdem. Well you know what, I appreciate that you will die for my right to say whatever I want, so to show my appreciation I want to tell you that you’re a big fat ass.

Also, what’s up with your name “texas holdem?” Let me guess, your tiny brain came up with that name while watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN. You unoriginal bastard!

Okay, calm down. Think of your happy place.

Just do my review on The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by Dr. David Niven, so I can get happy and not remain SO F#@KIN’ PISSED OFF!!!

Simple secret #90: Surround yourself with pleasant aromas.

Okay, I’ve plugged in an air freshener. Aaaah, the smell of berry, it’s such a pleasant smell.

“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.” WTF, texas holdem! Have you been watching too much Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network?

Calm down. SON OF A BIT…Calm down.

Simple secret #82: Don’t dwell on unwinnable conflicts.

Okay, I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him.

But I can imagine giving him a beat down! You’re lucky my pillow isn’t you, because I’ve opened a can of whoop-ass on it!

Be calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Simple secret #42: Try to think less about the people and things that bother you.

Okay, I’m clearing texas holdem from my mind.

“3104 please visit us to get your dick up or you can also get a mack over at our beauty site. or clcik this link if you are fat or wnt to seend a card.” What the hell is this, your lazy ass?

If you’re gonna send me comment spam, the least you can do is spell check the crap. Texas holdem spell checks whatever he spews, why can’t you?

Relax. Calm down. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Simple secret #96: Say “So What.”

So what if I’m getting comment spam from two punk asses, I’ll just keep deleting their comments and add another Word Press plug-in.

“Proper names are rigid designators.” You know what, texas holdem, I think you’re right about this one, you F#$KIN’ S@%TFACED B#@CH-ASS TURD. (Okay, I could’ve spelled it out, but eh…this is a family blog.)

You like that name? It’s not proper. It’s not rigid. I think it’s perfect for you.

Aaaah, I feel much happier now.

Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $9.56 (
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. I feel much better and happier. Inexpensive book.
Cons: Comment spam sucks.

Permalink | 28 Comments

Just a Geek by Wil Wheaton

Written by | October 13, 2004

Topics: Books

Just A Geek

Throughout my teen years, the “popular” and “cool” kids called me various names. These included: nerd, dork, dweeb, lame ass, weirdo, doofus, and freak. But the one name I didn’t mind being called was “geek,” because it sounded less harmless than the others.

Today I still consider myself a geek and I’m proud to be one. So to all those “popular” and “cool” kids, all I want the say is: Look at me now, beeyatch!

I’m the editor of a kind-of-popular not-so-popular quasi-review blog. What do you got?

Great kids, a loving wife, a low mortgage, a steady paycheck, and regular nights of sex?

That’s all?

Tell me, who’s the lame ass doofus now?


Sometimes it’s hard being a geek, so I was excited when recommend Just A Geek by Wil Wheaton. In case you don’t know or don’t remember, Wil was Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation and also starred in the movie Stand By Me.

I instantly bought the book hoping that it would be about becoming a better geek and how to cope with being a geek. I was also hoping there would be a section of “You might be a geek…” jokes, like these:

You might be a geek, if your wedding was performed by an ordained Vulcan or Klingon.

You might be a geek, if your kids’ names are Fortran and Pascal.

You might be a geek, if you find pleasure in bringing down a website by Slashdotting it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t read the product description before buying, so I was surprised when it didn’t contain any of the above.

Despite not having chapters devoted to such things as the snacks you should have for a successful Dungeons & Dragons gathering, Just A Geek was a great read. Wil gives you a look into his personal life and his difficult journey to find himself.

This book was so entertaining that it was the first book in a long time I did not want to put down.

The last book I did not want to put down?

Green Eggs and Ham.

Although I did not want to put that book down because I was trying to beat the class record for spinning a book on a finger.

From reading Just A Geek, you find out that despite being a great actor and a wonderful writer, Wil is just a normal guy with basically the same problems we have all faced at one time or another, except we probably don’t have the shame of being on the cover of Teen Beat magazine.

Just A Geek is a funny, smart, and honest book that I would highly recommend.

Although I REALLY wish there were “You might be a geek…” jokes.

Item: Just A Geek by Wil Wheaton
Purchase Price: $14.95 (
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: A fun and quick read. Wheaton is a talented, funny, and creative writer.
Cons: Not a guide to becoming a better geek. No “You might be a geek…” jokes.

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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents America (The Audiobook)

Written by | October 7, 2004

Topics: Books

Daily Show Audiobook

Do your remember the times when your parents would read you bedtime stories, like the Three Little Pigs and Sleeping Beauty, to help you fall asleep early so that they can do the horizontal mambo in their bedroom, in the kitchen, or in the bathroom?

It was great because you didn’t have to worry about turning pages, remembering where you left off, or paper cuts, and sometimes nine months later you ended up with a brother or sister.

Today we still have some of those luxuries thanks to audiobooks.

Besides, who has time to sit down and read a book? Not when there’s a Punk’d and Pimp My Ride marathon on MTV and I have to play a season of Madden 2005. However, one of the great things about audiobooks is the ability to multitask. It’s hard to multitask when reading an actual book. There’s no possible way I can read a book, download porn, and play Madden 2005 all at the same time, but with audiobooks I can.

Besides I’m too lazy to flip pages. Have you seen the size of books today? It may look like I’m reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but what I’m really doing is working out my arms with those 255,000 words.

We at the Impulsive Buy are avid fans of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, because it’s where we get our world news. So on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, when the Daily Show isn’t on, we have no idea what’s going on. But then again, we are too stoned to care what’s going on.

America (The Audiobook) takes a humorous look at the history of American government in a textbook format, with classroom activities and discussion questions at the end of each chapter, which we didn’t do because…Um…Our dog ate our answers and then our computer crashed.

The audiobook may lean a little to the left, but whether you’re left-wing, right-wing, or one of those crazy Nader supporters, we think you will find this audiobook humorous. If you don’t, you have no soul or you’re legally deaf.

We were disappointed to find out that the audiobook was an abridged version of the best-selling hardcover book. We were also frustrated we couldn’t see the picture of the Supreme Court naked, which is in the actual book.

On second thought, not seeing that picture may have been a good thing.

Item: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents America (The Audiobook): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
Purchase Price: $15.95 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: It’s downright funny. Read by Jon Stewart and the other Daily Show correspondents. Right-wing or left-wing, or Nader-loving, there’s something for everyone.
Cons: Abridged version. Didn’t get to see Sandra Day O’Conner’s boobies.

Permalink | 4 Comments