Here’s another Crazy Visitor Email to read. This time the visitor thinks I’m part of the Unilever Corporation, which produces the wonderful Degree deodorant that turns up its protection when risks are taken. I don’t know if Degree deodorant truly does this because I don’t take risks. Well at least that’s what my last girlfriend said while she was explaining why she was breaking up with me. Now that I think about it, so did my girlfriend before her, and the one before her.

Dammit! I see a pattern here. So ladies, if you ever become so desperate that you have to date me, please remind me to take risks.

Anyway, the visitor probably read TIB’s review of a Degree deodorant posted a couple of years ago.

The name has been changed to protect the ignorant. All spelling and grammatical errors have NOT been changed, because it’s funny to read.

From: Bill
Date: November 19, 2006
Subject: Degree deordorant
I bought the Degree deordorant and the first time I used it the turn screw which is plastic broke on the bottom now the stick doesnot stay in its holder.If you wish I will mail it back to you.Please advise. Thank you (Bill’s mailing address removed)

The reply I wanted to send:

Dear Bill,

Congratulations you have discovered one of our new deodorant dispensers with our patent-pending body odor measuring technology. We really want to call this technology S.T.I.N.K., but we can’t think of the proper words to match with each individual letter. Right now, the only letters we have words for are “S” and “T” which stands for “Smell” and “Technology,” respectively.

What our patent-pending body odor measuring technology does is determine how much body odor you are emitting. Since there isn’t any scientific measurement for body odor, we’ve come up with our own way of measuring it…using hobos and a stuffy railroad box car.

The breaking of the turn screw on the bottom of your dispenser is not a defect, but a result of our patent-pending body odor measuring technology. In order to break the turn screw your armpit must be emitting the stink of at least eight hobos in a stuffy railroad box car. When the turn screw breaks, it lets us know, but most importantly, it lets you know, that no deodorant can help you with your horrible, putrid body odor.

We recommend you see a doctor about it and don’t raise your arms above your head until you do.

Thank you for your email!

TIB recently received an actual email from a visitor that is truly crazy. The email below refers to TIB’s review of Apple’s colorful and pricey iPod Socks, which was posted in 2004. Below this email is my reply.

The name in the email below HASN’T been changed, because I was too lazy to come up with another name.

From: Shirley
Date: December 26, 2006
Subject: Black Market

Let me tell you, it’s hard to find at the last minute a baby to use as a test subject. Even with $50,000 through the Black Market, our sources said it would’ve taken at least a couple of days.

Was this suppose to be a fucking joke or something? Your reference to the Black Market. What are you actually trying to say? Racist maybe WTF!!!!!

My reply, if I were to send one:

Dear Shirley,

First off, if you’re going to use the word “fucking,” use it with authority. Using it only once will not fully convey your anger. If you’re going to use the word “fucking,” it should be used to enhance most nouns and verbs. So your last paragraph should’ve been written like this: “Was this suppose to be a fucking joke or something? Your reference to the fucking Black Market. What are you actually trying to fucking say? Fucking racist maybe WTF!!!!!”

See, it’s much better now. It relays your anger in a much more harsh tone.

Now that I think about it, you know what else would’ve helped to make the email even more angrier — profanity pronouns. What are profanity pronouns? Here are a few examples: Bitch, asshole, shit face, cocksucker, and motherfucker.

So let’s take the paragraph we just revised and add some profanity pronouns. “Hey asshole. Was this suppose to be a fucking joke or something? Your reference to the fucking Black Market. What are you actually trying to fucking say, cocksucker? Fucking racist maybe you motherfucker WTF!!!!!”

Ohhh! Much better! If that doesn’t get your mouth washed out with soap, I don’t know what will.

Anyway, thank you for your email. We would like to say that using the Black Market doesn’t mean we’re racist. We’ve used both the Gray Market and White Market and found them to be not ideal for our company. While items on the Black Market are slightly more expensive than the same products found in the Gray and White Markets, the privacy and anonymity of the Black Market is worth the premium. Also, the selection of goods on the Black Market cannot be beat. Human organs, automatic weapons, fine pieces of art thought to be missing, and even babies are easily found on the Black Market, but don’t exist in the White or Gray Markets.

Thanks again for your email.

Sincerely,

A company

Below is another actual email from a visitor who thought The Impulsive Buy was part of the company they were trying to contact. Below the email is my reply, if I were to send one.

What’s truly crazy about these emails is the fact that on my contact page I have a line which says, “The Impulsive Buy does not have any affiliation with any company.” I could assume that the people sending these letters are illiterate, but they took the time to write a letter, although poorly, so they must have some level of literacy. Well, as long as they keep sending these letters, I’ll keep making fun of them.

The name in the letter below HASN’T been changed to protect the ignorant, so that I can add a sexual position reference to my reply.

From: Carl
Date: November 25, 2006
Subject: (none)

is that it? this tiny thing? oh and wow what a big box! you must be so proud to shove it up the consumers ass!!!!! i threw it in the garbage,,not worth the time to cook that crap. and believe me,,im telling all i know that you morons and new ivy school execs that you have no idea how to make a product,,,get rid of the new kids,,,and go with quality and quantity! dont skimp on anything butt brains,,,,,signed, a former customer

My reply, if I were to send one:

Dear Carl,

Just curious. Have you ever had a “Hot Carl” before? If you haven’t, go to your nearest hooker-infested street and ask one of the ladies of the night how much a Hot Carl is? If they ask “giving” or “receiving,” tell them receiving because it’s a little cheaper.

Anyway, thanks for your email and excessive use of commas. We’re not too sure which one of our products you’re talking about since all of our products come in boxes that are significantly bigger than the product itself. Please email us back to clarify. We like to use big boxes because we got this GREAT deal on cardboard and now we’re set for several lifetimes, but because we had to move into a smaller warehouse recently we have to get rid of the cardboard faster, hence the bigger boxes.

As for shoving things up our consumers’ asses, we don’t practice that at our company, unless one of our focus groups lets us know that there is a demand for it. When that happens, we will do it and do it with huge boxes.

Our company is an equal opportunity employer. It is the policy of our company not to discriminate against any individual on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, age, disability, veteran status, stupidity, alma mater, number of body piercing, hair color, or lack of U.S. citizenship.

Actually, we don’t have any Ivy League-educated executives employed at our company. Most of our executives are illegal immigrants from Mexico, hence our bilingual executive meetings. Illegal immigrants not only make great cheap labor, they also make great cheap executives. Jose, our Vice President of International Sales and Marketing, makes only ten dollars a day, but don’t let the government know. Shhhh!

We’re sorry to see you leave as a customer, but if you ever need cardboard, please let us know.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Company

Okay, here’s a new segment I’m going to try out, and it’s called Crazy Visitor Emails. I got the idea from our radioactive friends over at Heat. Eat. Review. Let me know what you think of it in the comments.

I wanted to do this because every so often The Impulsive Buy gets emails from people who are either looking for a particular product, wondering if a particular product was discontinued, or want complain about a product. It sounds normal, but these people think The Impulsive Buy is either the actual company they’re trying to contact or affiliated with the company. We at The Impulsive Buy like to call these people, “Those Who Shouldn’t Have Access To The Internet Because They Don’t Know How to Use It.”

Below is an actual email from a visitor who thought The Impulsive Buy is part of the company they are trying to contact. Along with the email is the reply I have thought about sending, but decided against doing so because I’m afraid that they’ll think the company is actually sending them an email back, which will probably lead to another email.

The name has been changed to protect the ignorant.

From: Martha
Date: October 25, 2006
Subject: ZIPLOC DOUBLE ZIPPER BAGS

I JUST RECEIVED A FREE SAMPLE OF THE ZIPLOC DOUBLE ZIPPER BAGS, IT CAME WITH MY LOCAL PAPER. WHAT A RIP. HOW DARE YOU SEND A “SAMPLE” THAT CANNOT BE TRIED. HAVE WAY DOWN THE BAG THERE WAS A PERMANENT SEAL. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS BOUGHT ZIPLOC BAGS BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR CHEAPNESS I AM SWITCHING TO GLAD BAGS. YOUR THE LOSER.

The reply I wanted to send:

Dear Martha,

First off, I would like to recommend that you get your keyboard checked, since it seems that your caps lock key is stuck or maybe a paw from one of the dozens of cats you own is on the shift key.

Thank you for your email. At Ziploc, we take all emails we receive seriously. I’m sorry that the sample you received was, as you said, “A RIP.” Please let us know what local paper you received this sample from and we will purchase that newspaper company, fire all the employees, burn the building down, and then piss on the ashes to make sure that you will never receive another defective sample from that newspaper ever again.

We at Ziploc really hope that you don’t switch over to Glad bags, because those folks over there aren’t really Glad bags, they’re really douche bags.

Thanks again for your email.