Thongs…They’re usually worn by women, European male sunbathers, and male strippers.

I think they look totally hot on women, but as for European male sunbathers and male strippers, not so much. You may think I’m a little biased about that because I’m straight, but I have female friends who also think men in thongs aren’t hot at all.

However, I think my female friends who think this way are in the minority, because for some reason, if you stick a bunch of women in a room with lots of alcohol, huge wads of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, they go unbelievably crazy over the guys in thongs.

I want women to go unbelievably crazy over me and the only way I believe I can do this is to start wearing thongs. Now I’m usually a boxer or boxer brief kind of guy, depending on how much freedom on a particular day I want to give my “cucumber and tomatoes,” but maybe it was time for something different.

So I went to my local Jockey Store and picked up a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, which is the significantly less fabric consuming, but almost equally priced, cousin of the Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Brief, which I reviewed last year. When I went to the counter to pay for the thong, I asked the cute saleswoman if she likes guys who wear thongs. She looked at me weird, like I asked her an uncomfortable question, and then said she doesn’t like guys in thongs.

However, I think if you stuck her in a room with a bunch of other women, lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, she would say otherwise while licking whipped cream off of the pierced nipples of one of the thonged men.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got home with my brand new thong was wash and dry it, just in case some other dude’s sperm kettle was in it.

To be honest, I should be used to having my underwear run up my ass. After all, I received a lot of wedgies growing up, and in those days I wore exclusively tighty-whiteys. If you’ve never experienced a tighty-whitey wedgie, you are either a fast runner or you were probably one of those people who gave kids like me wedgies.

Anyway, when I first put the thong on, it felt kind of good, but the soft microfiber material might’ve had something to do with that. The front felt like a tighty-whitey, while the back felt like I was being preparing for a sumo wrestling match. Also, I suddenly wished I either had a black bow tie around my neck or a fake rip-away policeman or fireman uniform.

As I walked around in the thong, I felt the “crack cover” part of the thong get sucked in by my ass. I kept pulling it out, but I quickly learned if the “crack cover” is getting sucked in between the cheeks, I should not pull it out, because it’s just going to get sucked in again. I should just get used to it.

After about an hour of wearing it, I got used to it and wearing the thong got comfortable, from the “crack cover” to the “taint topper” to the “chestnut roaster.” Even when I went running with them, it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

Despite the comfortable feeling, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a thong on a regular basis. First off, my semi-flat Asian ass doesn’t look very good in a thong. Also, I’m afraid of being caught with a whale tail.

So I guess I’ll have to find another way to get women to go unbelievably crazy over me. Too bad I don’t have a large room with lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollars bills, a tan, and an oily body.

Item: Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong
Price: $11.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Jockey Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (Jockey Next to Nothing Thong)
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Wearing a thong)
Pros: Microfiber is soft. The thong eventually got comfortable. I got used to the “crack cover” getting sucked in by my ass. Good “cucumber and tomatoes” support. Thongs on women.
Cons: Whale tail. My ass does not look good in a thong. Wedgies. Thongs on European male sunbathers.

I don’t know how many of you remember the Total Cereal commercial, where the announcer says something like, “It would take 28 bowls of Special K to equal the vitamins and minerals of one bowl of Total.”

Well you know what Mr. Announcer, I don’t need your stinkin’ one bowl of Total Cereal, because I just ate 28 bowls of Special K. How you like me now, beeyatch?

Thanks to those 28 bowls I ate during the Special K Diet, I’m now four pounds lighter, sexier, and I think my man boobs just dropped a cup size. I now can confidently run in “Baywatch slow motion” across a beach and I won’t jiggle…as much.

For those of you who don’t know what the Special K Diet is, it involves eating a bowl of Special K for two meals and a sensible third meal, every day for two weeks. You are allowed to snack on fruit and vegetables in between meals. After those two weeks, you should be about six pounds lighter or drop one pants size.

Although, I really didn’t care about dropping one pants size, since all my pants have either elastic or adjustable waistbands

I think this weight loss will change my life and I’ll be able to do things I could never do when I was four pounds heavier.

I feel like I can jump higher and dunk a basketball…On one of those Nerf basketball rims you stick on top of your door.

I feel like I can talk to any woman…Over instant messaging using the screen name “sxybod” and a fake picture for my icon. (I know. “Sxybod” is probably taken already.)

I feel like I can do a marathon…That involves watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on my recliner, while eating potato chips and ice cream.

I feel like I can go to every store, purchase every box of Special K on the shelf, put those boxes in a huge pile, douse the pile in cheap alcohol, and light the sucker on fire, like I’m Guy Montag from the book Fahrenheit 451, because I’m frickin’ sick of Special K.

(Holy crap! What’s with the literary reference? I frickin’ feel like Dennis Miller.)

I now hate Special K more than car alarms that go off for more than 30 minutes and grandma underwear.

At first, I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad, because I was going to rotate between regular Special K and Special K Red Berries. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Special K Red Berries really suck because the red berries soak up milk faster than Tara Reid soaks up alcohol.

After the third day, eating the Special K got really old and I decided to enhance the cereal with chocolate and strawberry milk. That helped me get through the two weeks and the two 18-ounce boxes of Special K.

However, the changes in milk couldn’t help with satisfying my hunger in between meals and my addiction to recording Rachael Ray’s cooking show 30 Minutes Meals, burning each episode to DVD, and cataloging them by the color of the shirt she’s wearing on the show.

Now that I accomplished the Special K Diet and lost weight, I think I should celebrate by eating either a Carl’s Jr. One Pound Double Six Dollar Burger or the Burger King Triple Whopper.

Item: The Special K Diet
Purchase Price: FREE (Boxes of Special K not included)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Lost weight. Adding chocolate or strawberry milk helped me tolerate the bowls of Special K. My rare literary reference.
Cons: I am soooo sick of Special K. Special K Red Berries suck. Was hungry between meals. Grandma underwear.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is sort of like a public service announcement, except with possible sexual references, maybe a couple of stale Ben Affleck or Clay Aiken jokes, use of the words “bodily fluids,” followed by adolescent giggles, and without the words “the more you know” or “knowing is half the battle.”)

Oh how I wish I could share bodily fluids with someone else in a normal way. Instead of sucking faces or doing the horizontal mambo, the only way I get to share my bodily fluids with someone is by donating my blood.

Recently, I donated blood for the fifth time, which is more than the total amount of times I’ve sucked face or did the horizontal mambo. It was a last minute kind of thing because I felt with all the evil I’ve been up to, I needed to do some good in the world and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

So what evil have I done? Let me just say, “Every time you masturbate…God kills a kitten,” and I think I’m going to be the reason why Bob Barker stops telling people to get their pets spayed or neutered.

Anyway, I’ve only been donating for about a year and a half, because for a long time I was scared to donate blood. But I think a lot of people are scared for various reasons, like:

(1) They don’t like a needle being poked into their arm, unless it involves heroin.

(2) The sight of blood makes them faint or turns them into evil, hungry vampires.

(3) They fear a test of their blood sample will show that they’re the long lost Jackson family sibling named, Ragu.

Needles were the reason why I was scared to donate blood. I used to think extracting blood was a painful procedure done with unnecessarily long needles, which I imagined in my mind looked very similar to those used in acupuncture.

It took a coupon for a free pint of Baskin & Robbins ice cream that my local blood bank was offering to convince me to finally donate a pint of my blood. That first donation dispelled any beliefs I had about long needles and being turned into an evil, hungry vampire.

The entire process usually takes less than an hour, but the actual blood donation takes about five to eight minutes. Most of the time is spent filling out a questionnaire, having a short interview to find out if you qualify to donate, and checking out the cute blood donation technicians and wondering if the following pick up line will work, “Hey, baby! Wanna swap bodily fluids with me later?”

When it comes to inserting the needle into your body, it isn’t painful. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not even close to being as bad as I-Saw-Grandma-Naked uncomfortable. If you want to know what it feels like, just pinch yourself hard somewhere on your inner arm for about two seconds, or let your sadistic lover wearing the leather mask do it for you.

See, it wasn’t bad.

Now I hate needles, so when they’re about to stick the needle into me, I turn my head away, like I do when I pass by panhandlers, homeless people, and women offering a good time for twenty dollars.

After they get the needle into your arm, you are given something to squeeze with your hand, like a stress ball, which helps pump the blood out. Although I really wish I had the option to squeeze the hand of one of the cute blood donation technicians or Lindsay Lohan’s boobs, just to find out if they’re real.

When they’ve tapped you for a pint, they’ll put a gauze bandage on your arm, tell you to rest for about five minutes, and give you something to drink, like water or juice, to help replenish the fluids you’ve lost. If they don’t offer you anything, call them “cheap bastards,” and get yourself something to drink and eat ASAP.

After you donate blood, you might feel a little lightheaded, but that’s just the warm and fuzzy feeling inside you, which is starting from your head and working its way down. It’s just making you feel good about yourself because the blood you just donated will probably help save another human being and not be used to feed vampires.

Item: Donating Blood
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Possible free food and drink after donating. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Cute blood donation technicians.
Cons: Insertion of needle is slightly uncomfortable. My lame blood donation technicians pick up line. Not everyone can donate blood.

(Editor’s Note: HOLY CRAP!!! A weekend review!!! Yes, a weekend review. I figured since many of you visit The Impulsive Buy on the weekend, I should give y’all a review. However, this weekend’s review is going to be slightly different than the normal product reviews The Impulsive Buy does.

I’ve been wanting to broaden the range of reviews, as you will see here. I don’t know if this will be a permanent thing, but I figured I should try it out. Enjoy.)

Okay. Okay. The focus of today’s review isn’t really named Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold. I gave it that name because I have no idea what its name is or even if it has a name. However, people in Japan tend to give strange names to their products, so I figured I should give a strange name to this unusual Japanese way to fold a t-shirt.

Now that I think about it, because it’s Japanese, I could’ve called it the Origami T-Shirt Fold.

Nah, Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold is a much better made up name.

Anyway, last week I read about this unorthodox way of folding a t-shirt from the ReadyMade Magazine website. I thought it was relatively unknown, but apparently it was a really popular blogging topic some time last year.

Aaah, just like the Z Cavaricci pants in high school, Quicksilver t-shirts in middle school, and Underoos in elementary school, I was again late to realize what was popular.

So what makes the Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold so great?

The most noticeable thing is that it’s possibly faster than most normal ways of folding. I think it’s about a whole second faster.

Sure, you may think that’s not much time, but after folding sixty t-shirts, you save a whole minute. Okay, you may think that’s not much time, either. However, if you fold 3,600 t-shirts, you’re going to save a whole hour.

So the next time you get tricked into going to a timeshare meeting and saying when you get out of it, “That’s one hour of my life I’ll never get back.” Well fold 3,600 t-shirts the Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold way and you will get that hour back.

Now doing the Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold looks difficult, but it’s quite easy and once you’ve mastered it, Grasshopper, you may consider yourself a Master of the 100% Preshrunk Cotton.

To obtain t-shirt folding enlightenment with the Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold, just follow these simple steps:

1. Lay shirt face up on a flat surface, like your bed, the floor, or on Kate Moss’ chest. Make sure the shirt is perpendicular to your body, with the sleeves and neck on your left.

2. Pinch the shirt at the shoulder with your left hand and at the middle of the shirt with your right hand, You should pinch both places at the same level.

3. With your left hand, fold the shoulder over your right hand until you reach the bottom hem. With the left hand, pinch the bottom hem at the same level as the other placed you pinched. Now you should have pinched in your left hand the shoulder hem and the bottom hem.

4. Lift the shirt and uncross your hands, pulling the shirt taut. Then shake it like an 8×10 picture.

5. At this point, a sleeve should be sticking out from the bottom. Just fold the shirt over the sleeve and you’re done, unless you did a load of laundry, then repeat steps 1-5.

6. (Optional) Teach the Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold to others in your family so you aren’t stuck with doing all the frickin’ folding of clothes.

7. (Optional) Trick your children by saying the Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold is fun to do.

To see the differences between the old way and the new way I fold t-shirts, take a look at this video. (Quicktime required to view video.)

Then criticize both ways I do it, like my mom does.

Item: Neato Neato Super Super T-Shirt Fold
Purchase Price: FREE (T-shirts not included)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Neato. Neato. Super. Super. Seems quicker than normal folding, which will earn you some extra time in your life.
Cons: May form weird creases in clothing. Extra work needed with long-sleeve shirts.