REVIEW: Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert

If almonds could strive for goals, or dreams, if you will, I wonder what they would want to achieve. Some would probably have the simple wish to be covered in chocolate with coconut in an Almond Joy candy bar. While others would desire to end up in almond milk.

Of course, if I were an ambitious almond, I would attempt to become ruler of the world by threatening to release the cyanide I naturally contain.

Another worthy goal for almonds would be to end up in the gluten-free Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert. Why? Because there’s something virtuous about giving people who are allergic to gluten or lactose intolerant a frozen dessert that doesn’t give them diarrhea or kill them.

Although it looks like ice cream and comes in a container that usually contains ice cream, the Almond Dream Chocolate Frozen Dessert isn’t ice cream. Of course, the reason why it’s not ice cream is because it lacks bodily fluids from a cow. Unless the ingredient carrageenan is the scientific name for another cow bodily fluid that isn’t milk, and which I won’t specifically name, but instead will leave to your imagination to figure out which one I’m talking about.

Since it lacks milk or cream, the Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert doesn’t have the same texture as ice cream. Sure, it’s cold and stiff like the contestants who get booted off first from Dancing With The Stars, but it’s also kind of like a fudgsicle/Jello Pudding Pop and it’s slightly chewy.

However, there’s an upside to not having milk or cream, beyond it being lactose-free. Without any dairy it’s also significantly lower in saturated fat than real ice cream. The Almond Dream Frozen Dessert has only one gram of saturated fat per serving. That’s significantly less than ice cream, which has anywhere between five grams to holy shit that’s half of my daily recommended intake of saturated fat.

The Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert has a decent chocolatey flavor with, for some strange reason, a slight cherry aftertaste. It’s not bad, but to me it doesn’t have the tendency to make me forget will power exists like regular ice cream does. So if you’re someone whose used to regular chocolate ice cream, you’ll probably want to stick with the stuff made with cow bodily fluids.

However, if you’re looking for an alternative to ice cream because you’re lactose intolerant, allergic to gluten, believe Ben & Jerry are conspiring to kill you via their ice cream, or you think Tofutti is fuckin’ bullshit, the Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert is a good choice.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 190 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert
Price: $5.79
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent chocolate flavor. Good replacement for ice cream if you’re allergic to gluten or lactose intolerant. Made from real almonds. Significantly lower in saturated fat than ice cream. Source of polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. A particular cow bodily fluid.
Cons: Has a slight cherry aftertaste. Not creamy like ice cream. Threatening the world with the cyanide you contain. Being too lazy to look up the word carrageenan. A particular cow bodily fluid.