I <3 Panda Express, but I don’t like the fact that their restaurants close at the unreasonable time of before 10:00 P.M. What if a pregnant woman is craving orange chicken in the middle of the night? What if someone wants some sweet and sour pork after some sweet and sour porking? What if a stoner desires mushroom chicken after smoking some weed and noshing on some shrooms? Thankfully, Wanchai Ferry is here to save us all with their new frozen meals.

I reviewed and enjoyed the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dry Dinner Kit, so I’m looking forward to trying these complete frozen meals that serve two people.

The Wanchai Ferry Frozen Meals come in five flavors: Sweet & Spicy Shrimp, Orange Chicken, Sweet & Sour Chicken, Spicy Garlic Chicken and Shrimp Lomein. Each bag contains the meat, vegetables and starch for a complete meal. Also, according to the image above, they take about 14 minutes to heat up, but I’m not sure if they’re microwaveable, and they contain no MSG.

Encourage Freezer Burns or Heat Eat Review to review them.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I have a crush on the Chocolate Crush Pocky…AAAAAAAAGH!!! Someone shoot me before I turn into Gene Shalit! (via The Japanese Crush Pocky)

Sadly, I will never have the opportunity to wrap my sexy lips around the Dunkin Donuts Breakfast Sandwich. Instead I’m stuck with replacing the muffin on my Sausage and Egg McMuffin with Eggo Waffles. (via Grub Grade)

When did energy drinks become gangsta? Is it the new malt liquor? Is it appropriate to “pour one for my homies”? (via Taurine Rules)

It doesn’t matter which chocolate covered raisin is better, you will probably choke on both of them in the theater when you see Doctor Manhattan’s blue schlong in the Watchmen. (via Second Rate Snacks)

Maybe I’m impatient, but I believe anything that takes 20 minutes to heat up in the microwave defeats the purpose of it being microwaveable. (via Freezer Burns)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I don’t care what other people might say. Watching a grown man attempt to consume frozen doggie woggy and kitty cat treats and gag repeatedly on a video is entertainment in my book. (via Freezer Burns)

Powdered peanut butter sounds like it’s the ashes of dead peanuts and all you do is add water to make it reconstitute. Holy crap! Zombie peanut butter! Where’s Milla Jovovich? (via Yummy Diet Food)

My own recipe for Cinnabon cereal is much better than this crunchy Cinnabon cereal. Just get a big mixing bowl, dump a baker’s dozen of Cinnabon Minibons in it, add milk and enjoy with a ladle. (via The Skinny Plate)

Bah! Soy sauce potato chips aren’t black. I lower my head in disappointment and my face reddens with shame. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

A rubber ducky-shaped candy that doesn’t float upright? That’s going to upset Ernie and you don’t want to see Ernie get angry because when he does he starts to explain alphabetically how he’s going to beat you down. A is for ass kicking. B is for bitch slap. C is for crack down. D is for decking your grill. (via Candy Blog)

(Image from iStockphoto)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs, wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Human babies are cute. Clam babies in a can — not so cute. (via Eyunta)

I want to know who the hell green lighted the idea for a new Street Fighter movie. I would like to blast a couple of hadoken at them. (via Pajiba)

Giant Pocky? Thanks, Pocky. You just made Japanese men even more insecure. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Fiber + antioxidants = Crazy nutritious. (via The Skinny Plate)

The new line of Haagen Dazs ice cream has only five ingredients, which means you’ll only have five ingredients to blame for your fat ass. (via Gigi Reviews)

I just want to make clear that the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef and its other flavors are not part of some big conspiracy for Asian Domination.

Oh wait.

Why did I capitalize the D in “Domination”? It makes it look like a code name for something, which it is totally not. If I had typed “Operation Asian Domination,” and something cryptic along with it, like “All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes,” then maybe it might look like all the Asians, except North Korea, are coming together to take over the world. But that IS NOT the case.

The Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef is just an easy-to-make dish and the eyebrows on the Hamburger Helper glove are not slanted eyes, his eyes are not nostrils, and his nose is not a gigantic zit. All you need is a pound of ground beef, 2 3/4 cups of hot water, and, of course, the ingredients contained in the box. Within 20 minutes, you’ll have a dish that native Mongolians will not recognize at all, because the Mongolian Beef dish is an American creation.

Betty Crocker is not trying to deceive you, just like Asians aren’t trying to swindle you by infiltrating various aspects of society to bring it crashing down two weeks from today. People love Jackie Chan, the number one golfer in the world is half-Asian, there’s a Korean on Grey’s Anatomy, my doppleganger is on CBS’s The Mentalist, there are Japanese players in Major League Baseball, Olivia Munn is half-Chinese, there are over a thousand Panda Express locations across the United States, Rob Schneider is half-Filipino, sushi and karaoke bars are all over, and many women learned a new Japanese word, Harajuku, but all of that does not equate to Asians wanting to rule the world and force everyone to drive fuel-efficient Toyota, Honda, Kia, or Hyundai cars two weeks from today.

Besides, how can the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef be part of an Asian conspiracy to take over the world when it doesn’t taste Asian. It was all right tasting, but it tasted more like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff than any Asian dish. The pasta noodles were gummy and the addition of freeze-dried peas and carrots seemed unnecessary since they didn’t add anything to the flavor.

So to all the non-Asians out there, you don’t have to worry about an Operation Asian Domination because it’s just silly to think Asians would want to take over the world. To all the Asians out there, All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes, two weeks from today.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup prepared – 270 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef
Price: $3.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting if you like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff. Easy to make. Ready to eat in about 20 minutes. Two weeks from today. Olivia Munn.
Cons: Not Asian tasting. Noodles were gummy. Conspiracies that involve Asians wanting to take over the world. Not Mongolian. Freeze-dried peas and carrots were useless.

When I want Chinese food, I don’t go to Paul Fleming Chang’s China Bistro.

When I’m jonesin’ for Chinese food, I want to be able to pick something from a bilingual menu and give my order to an angry Chinese woman who yells it to the cooks in the back of the restaurant, one of which is her husband. When my food arrives, I want to use extremely long plastic chopsticks with a slippery glossy coating that makes it difficult to pick up anything and brings me to the point of sheepishly asking for a fork. I also want to enjoy it with a small cup of green tea served by the restaurant owner’s high school-aged daughter who would rather hang out with her friends, instead of working at her parent’s restaurant on a Friday evening.

If I’m not able to get Chinese food the way I want it, I would settle for the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit, which is distributed by General Mills.

The kit is comprised of individual packets of jasmine rice, cashew sauce, seasoned cornstarch, and roasted cashews. As for the chicken, just like the USB cable for your new inkjet printer, it is sold separately.

I thought preparing the dish was going to be as difficult as the paparazzi trying to get all of Kim Kardashian’s ass in a photo using a telephoto lens, but it was easy to make. All I had to do was take a pound of chicken, cut it up into one-inch pieces, coat them in the seasoned cornstarch, then brown the coated pieces in a frying pan, and then mix in the cashew sauce and roasted cashews. While I had that going, I also had to cook the jasmine rice in a pot for about 20 minutes. It made enough for three decent-sized servings. Once everything was done, I plated it and enjoyed.

To be honest, I didn’t expect much from this meal in a box but it was very good. The jasmine rice came out perfect; the cashew sauce, which seemed to be made up of mostly hoisin sauce, had a nice garlic taste with a little bit of citrus; and the cashews themselves added a nice nutty flavor and gave the dish a crunchiness. But the seasoned cornstarch on the chicken didn’t seem to add too much to the taste of the dish.

While I don’t get to pick it from a bilingual menu or hear a vexed Chinese woman yell “cashew chicken” in Chinese to a bunch of men in the kitchen with the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit, it’s good to know that I get to eat it in the comfort of my home and with a fork that I didn’t have to ask for with the face of shame.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 21 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin C, and 10% Iron.)

Item: Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dinner Kit
Price: $6.59
Size: 13.4 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Rice came out perfect. Good sauce. Easy to make. Makes three decent-sized servings. Real Chinese restaurants.
Cons: You have to add your own chicken. Can’t microwave it. Damn slippery plastic Chinese chopsticks. Asking for a fork at a Chinese restaurant. Printers that don’t come with a USB cable. P.F. Chang’s.