REVIEW: Kellogg’s Choco Zucaritas/Frosted Flakes Chocolate

Frosted Flakes Chocolate Spanish

Hola, mi amigos!  Como estas?  Esta es la Compra Impulsiva, y hoy–

Ah, dammit… sorry, I was looking at the wrong side of the box.  As it happens, the package of Frosted Flakes Chocolate I picked up has English on one side; but instead of a maze or outlandish claims about being healthy for you on the back, we’re treated to a mirror image of the front except the product name is now “Choco Zucaritas.”  (Es nuevo!)  Interestingly, the top and bottom of the box only use the Spanish name, and that’s what’s shown above the nutritional information on the side, so I guess it’s primarily targeted at Spanish speakers?  Either way, I applaud Kellogg’s for reaching out to the Latino community, despite it serving as another painful reminder that when choosing a second language in school, I picked French instead of one that might conceivably be useful to me someday.  That’s okay — I’ll be the one laughing when Canada finally invades, ya hosers.

But let’s get serious for a second: we’re talking about a product that on the surface sounds… well, fantastic.  Awe-inspiring.  God’s own breakfast cereal, one might reasonably speculate.  I’ve sampled plenty of cereals in my day, but I always find my way back to Frosted Flakes in the end, because it’s one of the best.  Which begs the question: can you improve upon the best?  True innovators always think so, and Kellogg’s has given it a shot by adding a chocolate coating to the classic sugared flakes.  You might consider that overkill — can your palate really handle frosting AND chocolate at the same time? — but it’s that kind of thinking that could have deprived the world of Peanut Butter Cups, so I’m prepared to give this a shot.

Frosted Flakes Chocolate Closeup

Opening the package immediately wafts a strong chocolate scent into your nostrils.  I wondered for half a second why it smelled so familiar before realizing it’s the identical aroma given off by Cocoa Krispies.  Promising, and a look at the flakes doesn’t change that assessment, though it is a little surprising.  I think I was expecting flakes that were entirely chocolate, but that’s not what these are.  Nor are they regular flakes with just a slight dusting of chocolate on them.  It’s a little hard to describe, but basically they look like Frosted Flakes that are in the process of converting to chocolate, like you caught them mid-transformation or something.  Remember in The Monster Squad when that cop shot Dracula, and they found him stuck halfway between human and bat forms?  It’s like that.  Also, don’t think about that scene before you eat these, it’s gross.

Frosted Flakes ChocolateUnfortunately, if the smell and the appearance of Frosted Flakes Chocolate are like the first 1:18 of “The Final Countdown,” the taste is the remaining three minutes and fifty-two seconds, where even Europe fans pack up their stuff and head for the exits.  I don’t know what it is, but for some reason the two flavors of frosting and chocolate don’t mesh well together.  It’s just too much, and I’m a guy who never shies away from the most cavity-inducing option.  For the first second or two they taste fine, but then it’s almost like a time delay kicks in and both the sugar and chocolate flavors burst onto the scene at once.  And like every pair of cops ever depicted on TV or in the movies, they don’t play well together.

It highlights the danger of going in with such high expectations, I guess, because it’s not like Frosted Flakes Chocolate are terrible.  They’re chocolatey, they’re sugary, they stay crunchy for the same length of time as the regular variety.  We’re all familiar with gimmick cereals and I guess I hoped these would be different, because chocolate + frosting = win, right?  But it’s like listening to two talented rappers battling, only instead of taking turns they’re both going at the same time, so everything sounds like, “Yo, your girlfriend your momma came over last really knows how to WORK that pole my rhymes are dope, you got no hope to cope, you’re a joke and my ASS, bitch.”  Then they both drop their microphones at once and you go deaf.

Or, as Antonio el Tigre would say: No son gr-r-randes!

(Nutrition Facts — 1 cup — 110 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Kellogg’s Choco Zucaritas reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Kellogg’s Choco Zucaritas… I mean, Frosted Flakes Chocolate
Price: $2.93
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Learning Spanish while I eat breakfast.  Smells just like Cocoa Krispies.  The Monster Squad.  Satisfying your curiosity.  Peanut butter cups.  The first 1:18 of “The Final Countdown.”  Both individual tastes are good.
Cons: Chocolate and frosting tastes do not mesh well.  That much hype is a lot to live up to, and it doesn’t.  Choosing French in school.  Simultaneous rap battles.  My rhymes.  No son grandes.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with Fiber, Less Sugar

Kellogg's Frosted Flakes with Fiber, Less Sugar

Until recently, my attitude toward sugared cereals was remarkably similar to Charleton Heston’s stance on guns — you can have my Cap’n Crunch when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.  I guess I always assumed that at some point once you become An Adult, you just woke up one day craving Cheerios or whole wheat toast, maybe with some jam on it if you’re feeling particularly wild.  That never happened to me, so I just kept on buying my Lucky Charms and Waffle Crisp.  (Mental note: find out if they still make Waffle Crisp.)  It’s the same reason I still play video games and read Cracked instead of watching the news and perusing CNN.

But I AM an adult now, with a family and a mortgage and at least three Berenstain Bears books memorized (oh, how I loathe those damn bears), and the thought of coming downstairs in a few years and fighting my kids for the last bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs is less than appealing.  Plus I weigh a buck seventy-five and I’m not getting back to the gym anytime soon, so eating a little healthier is definitely in order. 

Luckily, Kellogg’s has got me covered with a very slight variation on a popular theme: Frosted Flakes with Fiber, Less Sugar.  If, like me, you feel that’s a little vague (wouldn’t leaving just one flake uncoated qualify as “less sugar”?), the fine print clarifies that it’s 25 percent less sugar.  I suppose that’s a decent amount… 50 percent would’ve felt like more of an accomplishment, but maybe they were worried it would scare off their target market.  Or it just taste-tested horribly.  Either way, you’ll notice they don’t say MORE fiber, so out of curiosity I compared the fiber content to that of regular Frosted Flakes.  It actually is roughly triple the fiber found in the original, so one can only assume they decided that’s not as much of a draw for people as “less sugar.”  Good call.

Kellogg's Frosted Flakes with Fiber, Less Sugar Naked

If it seems like I’m taking a long time to get to the meat of the review, there’s a reason for that: these things really taste a hell of a lot like regular Frosted Flakes.  They LOOK slightly less frosted, as they should, but in a blind taste test I can’t swear I’d be able to tell the difference.  Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little — they do taste a bit less sweet — but not markedly so.  My theory is that the milk washes off a lot of the sugar anyway, so after a few minutes soaking in it, regular Frosted Flakes don’t really have any more sugar on them than the new variety.  If true, this also suggests I really shouldn’t be drinking the milk left behind, but that’s another story. 

The point is, if you were worried that these are going to taste like Wheaties or Corn Flakes, you can put that out of your mind.  Just like the classic version, they’re sweet and initially crunchy, though just as prone to sogginess as their more sugared brethren.  And, of course, they’re made from powdered tiger testicles to increase your sexual potency.

That’s the good news.  The bad news is that anyone counting on this being a significantly healthier alternative to the original is out of luck.  Granted, there’s a bit less sugar and three times the fiber, which is nice.  But the total calories are exactly the same and there’s actually more sodium in the new variety, so don’t go tossing out that Shake Weight just yet.  Bottom line, if you’re looking for something to make Junior just a little less hyper on the way to school, these might do the trick.  But if you’re really trying to lose some weight, you’re better off just sucking it up and switching to white water.  I mean crap milk.  I mean skim milk.  It’s the adult thing to do.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 130 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% vitamin C, 0% calcium, 25% iron, 10% vitamin D, 25% thiamin, 25% riboflavin, 25% niacin, 25% vitamin B6, 25% folic acid, 25% vitamin B12.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with Fiber, Less Sugar
Price: $3.75
Size: 16.3 oz.
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Indulging your Peter Pan Syndrome.  Tastes a lot like regular Frosted Flakes.  Increased fiber.  Actually looks less frosted.  Powdered tiger testicles: gr-r-reat, and gr-r-reat for you!  Shake Weight commercial.
Cons: Berenstain Bears.  Only 25% less sugar.  More of a novelty than a viable healthier alternative.  Fighting your kids for cereal. 

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch

Recently, I picked up the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes…

HEY MR. TAXI DRIVER! YOU LEARNED ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE, SO WHY CAN’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!

…Drink ‘n Crunch.

Since breakfast is a meal a lot of people skip, Kellogg’s is trying to get more people to eat breakfast by making it convenient to eat on our commute to work. So I’m just driving around with a Drink ‘n Crunch to see if if really is convenient. Fortunately, the Drink ‘n Crunch has an angled outer lip, which will help me see the road and it will fit into my…

HEY MR. FAST AND FURIOUS! THANKS FOR NOT USING YOUR BLINKER AND CUTTING ME OFF. BY THE WAY, YOUR MUFFLER MAKES YOUR CAR SOUND LIKE IT’S FARTING!

…car’s cup holders.

To prevent the cereal from getting soggy in the milk, each Drink ‘n Crunch consists of an inner cup, that holds the smaller than usual cereal and an outer cup, which holds the milk. Unfortunately, you must provide the milk. To pour in the milk, I had to separate the inner cup from the outer cup and pour the milk into the outer cup. There was a convenient level on the side of the outer cup that let me know how much milk…

OOOOH MR. SPINNING HUBCAPS AND THUMPING CAR STEREO SYSTEM! YOU COULD SPEND THE 30 DOLLARS ON SPINNING HUBCAPS, BUT COULDN’T SPEND SOME MONEY ON DRIVING LESSONS AND EARPLUGS FOR YOUR INFANT IN THE BACK SEAT!?!

…to pour in.

After putting the inner cup back into the milk-filled outer cup, sort of like those Russian dolls, all that needed to be done was to pull back the foil lid and enjoy. The milk is dispensed through a small rectangular hole, which allows the milk to be consumed in small doses. I guess I now can fully appreciate…

HEY MS. TOO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE SO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK, YOU COULD SEE ME WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET INTO MY LANE!

…what it’s like to be breast-fed.

Despite following the instructions on the packaging to shake the Drink ‘n Crunch gently to loosen the cereal, it had a hard time coming out. It was as frustrating as drunk dry heaving, except with the Drink ‘n Crunch I’m behind the wheel of a two ton automobile, while with drunk dry heaving, I’m behind a bunch of bushes. It’s definitely not good to be…

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, MR. DVD PLAYER IN THE DASHBOARD! UNLESS YOU’RE WATCHING THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU VIA YOUR DASHBOARD SCREEN, I’D SUGGEST YOU KEEP BOTH EYES ON THE ROAD, JACKASS!

…frustrated behind the wheel.

Besides the uncooperative cereal, another thing that made the Drink ‘n Crunch not so convenient was the angled lip, which was designed to make it easier to see the road. Unfortunately, the only way I could see the road, while trying to eat from the Drink ‘n Crunch was to turn my head sideways, while keeping my eyes on the road. Definitely…

HEY MS. PUTTING ON MAKEUP WHILE DRIVING! STOP DRIFTING INTO MY LANE! YOU KNOW IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO DRIVE, NOT TWO KNEES!

…not safe.

As for the cereal itself, it was typical Frosted Flakes, when I could get it into my mouth. I ran out of milk before I ran out of cereal, which is the opposite of what happens when I eat milk and cereal in a bowl. However, despite the taste, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch just wasn’t as convenient as it should’ve been.

Also, there are a lot of shitty drivers on the road.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat smart concept. Convenient level on the side to let you know how much milk to pour in.
Cons: Pricey, since it’s slightly cheaper than a whole box of cereal. Milk not included. Despite shaking it to loosen cereal, it still had a hard time coming out. Lip of container obstructed my view while consuming. Shitty drivers.