Chocolate makes everything better.

As a matter of fact, if I was chocolate coated…again, I would be ten times more attractive than I am now, which actually isn’t saying much, because I would be as attractive as Casey Affleck’s older and more popular brother, Ben Affleck…with a goatee.

Of course, the women who found me attractive would only like me for my chocolate coating and not what’s beyond it. Because once the chocolate coating is gone, it’s just me, my heart, my soul, my being, my hopes, my dreams, my memories, my fears and my naked body, which isn’t very attractive.

Actually, it’s kind of pale and nauseating.

Chocolate is powerful stuff. It has calming properties whenever you see a pale and nauseating naked body like mine. Eating it helps release serotonin in the brain, which produces feelings of pleasure. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which is an antioxidant that helps maintain a healthy heart. Excessive amounts of it make people fat. Some people also consider chocolate to be an aphrodisiac, although I do believe that there isn’t any amount of chocolate that would make a woman even think about making some sweet, sweet lovin’ with me.

Chocolate even has the power to turn a totally un-special, bland and shitty cereal into one of my new favorites. The new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight is full of bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes with “chocolatey pieces.”

Note the quotation marks, because I don’t know if sugar, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil, cocoa processed with alkali, cocoa, soy lecithin, artificial flavor, and milk equals chocolate, but according to the ingredients on the box that’s what the chocolatey chunks are made out of. Perhaps a candy expert can help us with ingredients mumbo jumbo?

Special K has always been marketed to women who are trying to lose weight and I have to applaud any woman out there that eats Special K to help them lose weight. I did the Special K diet and it SUCKED HARD! Women have it so rough because they give birth to children, they go through menstruation, and they eat a bland, shitty cereal to help them lose weight.

I don’t know how you women do it, but those abilities are probably the reasons why you’re the superior gender, except for those of you who end up on reality TV or any talk show that has topics like, “I Have Something to Tell You: I’m Pregnant, But It’s Not Yours” or “I Don’t Know Which Brother is My Baby’s Father.”

The flat chocolatey chunks in the new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal make it the BEST SPECIAL K CEREAL EVER, but most importantly it makes those bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes taste so much better and gives the cereal a mild chocolatey taste. Although just like regular Special K, the flakes get mushy quicker than I do while reading a Hallmark greeting card.

Almost every spoonful I took had a chocolatey piece in it. I don’t know how many chocolatey pieces are in each box, but there was A LOT. Although, it shouldn’t be surprising since it’s from Kellogg’s, the only company with the cojones to brag about the two scoops of raisins in their Raisin Bran. Despite the amount of chocolatey pieces, they don’t make the cereal taste very sweet, which is good as I wean myself away from Count Chocula.

The chocolatey pieces also don’t make the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight significantly less healthy than regular Special K. One serving with skim milk has 160 calories, two grams of fat, no cholesterol, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbs, one gram of dietary fiber, nine grams of sugar, two grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and for single men, 100 milligrams of embarrassment for having a box of Special K in their cart.

Unfortunately, not even chocolate can make up for that embarrassment.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to reader Jason who suggested TIB review the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight. Maybe I’ll do the Special K Diet again.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Best Special K cereal EVER. Chocolatey pieces makes shitty rice and wheat flakes taste better. A possible healthier alternative to sugary cereals. Full of vitamins, minerals, and chocolatey pieces. Chocolate makes everything taste better. Kellogg’s big cojones. Women.
Cons: Special K flakes gets mushy quickly. 100 milligrams of embarrassment for single men who buy Special K. My pale and nauseating naked body.

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.

“Suri Cruise is the reincarnation of Xenu and will rule over the Galactic Confederacy. That’s why no one has seen her.”

Shut up, Berry Krispies!

Every time I eat a bowl of these Berry Krispies, I hear strange things besides the usual snap, crackle, and pop. At first, I thought it was kind of cool with the Berry Krispies saying things like, “Oooh, Eva Longoria…I’d like to tap dat ass,” or the Yakov Smirnoff joke, “We have no gay people in Russia — there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three year waiting list for that.”

However, it’s been six bowls and all that Berry Krispies talking has just gotten plain irritating, because it’s beginning to say things I don’t want to hear or things that just don’t make any sense, like “You will never get laid, unless you pay for it” and “One day, cars will be fueled by karma and Larry the Cable Guy will be ruler of a country he will purchase and will name LarryLand.”

All this talking wouldn’t be so bad if I could have a meaningful conversation with the Berry Krispies. We could talk about the meaning of life, our goals and dreams, why the Detroit Tigers don’t suck this year, or why I haven’t gone out on a date in a year and a half.

Unfortunately, the Berry Krispies seem to have a mouth of its own and ignores me, which makes me feel like I’m Debbie Matenopoulos when she was on The View.

The chatter also wouldn’t be bad if the Berry Krispies were actually tasty. They have a strong berry smell, but unfortunately it doesn’t translate into a strong berry taste. However, if you don’t like your cereals too sweet, then this maybe the cereal for you.

But if you like sweet, then I should let you know that Fruity Pebbles kicks Snap, Crackle, and Pop’s asses so bad that they are definitely Fred and Barney’s bitches, which for some reason, I don’t think Snap, Crackle, and Pop mind at all.

Even the colors of the Berry Krispies didn’t compare with the colors of Fruity Pebbles and Froot Loops, which are more vivid and possibly what unicorn poop looks like.

Oh man, that last line sounds like something Berry Krispies would say.

“Unicorn poop has magical powers that can cure any disease or get you a date.”

Shut up, Berry Krispies!

(Editor’s Note: For those of you who are readers of the neglected Cereal Mashup, I just want to let you know that it is neglected no more. I just posted a new cereal mashup review and I’ve got 14 boxes of cereal sitting in my kitchen waiting to be mashed up.)

Item: Berry Krispies
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Snap, crackle, and pop. Good for those who don’t like really sweet cereals. Yakov Smirnoff.
Cons: Can’t have a meaningful conversation with Berry Krispies. Says some weird things. Colors aren’t as vivid as Froot Loops or Fruity Pebbles. Not as good as Fruity Pebbles. Gets soggy really quickly. Being Fred and Barney’s bitches. The whereabouts of Suri Cruise.

Recently, I picked up the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes…

HEY MR. TAXI DRIVER! YOU LEARNED ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE, SO WHY CAN’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!

…Drink ‘n Crunch.

Since breakfast is a meal a lot of people skip, Kellogg’s is trying to get more people to eat breakfast by making it convenient to eat on our commute to work. So I’m just driving around with a Drink ‘n Crunch to see if if really is convenient. Fortunately, the Drink ‘n Crunch has an angled outer lip, which will help me see the road and it will fit into my…

HEY MR. FAST AND FURIOUS! THANKS FOR NOT USING YOUR BLINKER AND CUTTING ME OFF. BY THE WAY, YOUR MUFFLER MAKES YOUR CAR SOUND LIKE IT’S FARTING!

…car’s cup holders.

To prevent the cereal from getting soggy in the milk, each Drink ‘n Crunch consists of an inner cup, that holds the smaller than usual cereal and an outer cup, which holds the milk. Unfortunately, you must provide the milk. To pour in the milk, I had to separate the inner cup from the outer cup and pour the milk into the outer cup. There was a convenient level on the side of the outer cup that let me know how much milk…

OOOOH MR. SPINNING HUBCAPS AND THUMPING CAR STEREO SYSTEM! YOU COULD SPEND THE 30 DOLLARS ON SPINNING HUBCAPS, BUT COULDN’T SPEND SOME MONEY ON DRIVING LESSONS AND EARPLUGS FOR YOUR INFANT IN THE BACK SEAT!?!

…to pour in.

After putting the inner cup back into the milk-filled outer cup, sort of like those Russian dolls, all that needed to be done was to pull back the foil lid and enjoy. The milk is dispensed through a small rectangular hole, which allows the milk to be consumed in small doses. I guess I now can fully appreciate…

HEY MS. TOO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE SO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK, YOU COULD SEE ME WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET INTO MY LANE!

…what it’s like to be breast-fed.

Despite following the instructions on the packaging to shake the Drink ‘n Crunch gently to loosen the cereal, it had a hard time coming out. It was as frustrating as drunk dry heaving, except with the Drink ‘n Crunch I’m behind the wheel of a two ton automobile, while with drunk dry heaving, I’m behind a bunch of bushes. It’s definitely not good to be…

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, MR. DVD PLAYER IN THE DASHBOARD! UNLESS YOU’RE WATCHING THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU VIA YOUR DASHBOARD SCREEN, I’D SUGGEST YOU KEEP BOTH EYES ON THE ROAD, JACKASS!

…frustrated behind the wheel.

Besides the uncooperative cereal, another thing that made the Drink ‘n Crunch not so convenient was the angled lip, which was designed to make it easier to see the road. Unfortunately, the only way I could see the road, while trying to eat from the Drink ‘n Crunch was to turn my head sideways, while keeping my eyes on the road. Definitely…

HEY MS. PUTTING ON MAKEUP WHILE DRIVING! STOP DRIFTING INTO MY LANE! YOU KNOW IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO DRIVE, NOT TWO KNEES!

…not safe.

As for the cereal itself, it was typical Frosted Flakes, when I could get it into my mouth. I ran out of milk before I ran out of cereal, which is the opposite of what happens when I eat milk and cereal in a bowl. However, despite the taste, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch just wasn’t as convenient as it should’ve been.

Also, there are a lot of shitty drivers on the road.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Somewhat smart concept. Convenient level on the side to let you know how much milk to pour in.
Cons: Pricey, since it’s slightly cheaper than a whole box of cereal. Milk not included. Despite shaking it to loosen cereal, it still had a hard time coming out. Lip of container obstructed my view while consuming. Shitty drivers.

Maple syrup is great for pancakes, French toast, and embarrassing your family name for fifty dollars by participating in a coed kiddie pool maple syrup wrestling match at a nightclub for a Girls Gone Wild DVD.

They are also great on waffles, especially frozen waffles. Actually they’re even better on burnt frozen waffles that were in the toaster for too long because a certain someone was distracted by a Girls Gone Wild DVD commercial on television.

Did you know the Canadian province of Quebec is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup?

Did you know that written things in Canada have to come in both English AND French?

Did you know there’s a Girls Gone Wild Canada?

Many of the pancake syrups you see on your store shelves contain little or no maple syrup at all. So it didn’t surprise me that the new maple syrup-flavored Eggo Cereal didn’t contain any maple syrup.

The only syrup it contained was high fructose corn syrup, which disappointed me like those black censored bars used in the Girls Gone Wild commercials.

Eggo Cereal was supposed to taste like waffles with maple syrup and it sort of did. However, it tasted more like a less-sweet Cap’n Crunch with a strong fake maple syrup scent. Since I’m a fan of Cap’n Crunch, I liked the taste of it.

So with the Eggo Cereal you get the goodness of Cap’n Crunch without the shredded upper palate. It’s like with a Girls Gone Wild DVD, you get the flashing goodness that happens during a New Orleans Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street without the need for beads.

Eggo Cereal was also supposed to look like waffles, but on the box they look like Chex cereal and in reality they look nothing like waffles or Chex cereal.

It’s sort of like when I’m drunk and I’m at the video store and I accidently pick up a Guys Gone Wild DVD. The first three letters of the title make it look like a Girls Gone Wild video, but when you get through the first three minutes of it, it looks nothing like a Girls Gone Wild video because there’s more sausage it in than a New York City hot dog stand.

Oooh, a Girls Gone Wild commercial!!!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Andy for suggesting Eggo Cereal. Now I must go find Lego Eggos and a Girls Gone Wild DVD.)

Item: Eggo Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.79 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice fake maple syrup smell. Tasted like Cap’n Crunch, but didn’t hurt like Cap’n Crunch. Full of vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Cereal didn’t look like waffles and didn’t really taste like waffles. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. Black censored bars in the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Accidently picking up Guys Gone Wild while drunk.

Green clovers? Blue moons? Purple horseshoes? Red balloons? Brown mushrooms?

I don’t know what Lucky the Leprechaun has been smoking, but I do know that I don’t want any of it.

Now that I think about it, maybe the kids chasing him aren’t after his Lucky Charms, they’re after his stash of whatever he’s been smoking. Or maybe the kids chasing Lucky the Leprechaun are just drug-induced hallucinations.

Anyway, the reason why I question Lucky the Leprechaun’s “extra-curricular” activities is because of the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms.

With regular Lucky Charms there are red balloons, blue moons, purple horseshoes, rainbows, pink hearts, etc, and they all look like what they’re supposed to represent.

However, with the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms, they look like Lucky the Leprechaun was either on an acid trip, in a dervish mood, or had something else on his mind, like a hot date, wondering whether his pot of gold was safe, or he needed to take a massive dump, but hates to use public restrooms.

Whatever it was, the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms don’t look so winter-ish. But they do look like other things (see chart below as reference - click pic for larger view).

The “pine tree” marshmallows don’t even come close to looking like an actual pine tree. Car fresheners shaped like pine trees come much closer than these. However, if you turn the “pine tree” marshmallow on its side, it totally looks like a glob of minty fresh toothpaste.

The “stocking” marshmallow is probably the worst of them all. First off, maybe I didn’t get the memo on this, but when did yellow become a “holiday” color. Also, I don’t know of anyone who has yellow stockings, except Big Bird. However, his entire wardrobe is yellow. To me, the yellow “stocking” looks more like an upside down rubber duckie.

The “candy cane” marshmallow maybe shaped like a candy cane, but it looks likes the red lines were painted by some psycho serial killer with nervous system problems, who likes to paint with the blood of their victims. Personally, I think the “candy cane” marshmallow looks like uncooked bacon.

As for the “snowman” marshmallow, where’s the corncob pipe, button nose, two eyes made out of coal, and tighty whitey underwear? Whitney Houston and I both believe that the “snowman” marshmallows look like pieces of crack cocaine, and Whitney would like to know how much they are?

The “ornament” marshmallows don’t really look like anything, but the closest thing I think they look like are bloody cotton swabs that someone might’ve gotten from sticking them a little to far into an orifice.

If the “wreath” marshmallow had a hole in the center of it, it might’ve looked like a wreath, but instead it looks like Oscar the Grouch’s girlfriend, Grungetta Grunge.

Finally, the “present” marshmallow doesn’t really come close to looking like a present. However, it does come really close to looking like a Gay Pikachu.

Despite the marshmallows not looking like what they’re supposed to, Winter Lucky Charms tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. However, I think there should’ve been a Scrooge-shaped marshmallow in the box, because the 11.75-ounce box of Winter Lucky Charms is smaller than the smallest regular Lucky Charms box, which is 14-ounces.

So not only is Lucky the Leprechaun a dope head, he’s also a cheap bastard.

(Editor’s Note: Bah! Lord Jezo has beaten me again. Go read his review of Winter Lucky Charms here.

Item: Winter Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallows.
Cons: Slightly smaller box than regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallow don’t look like what they’re supposed to. A high Lucky the Leprechaun. A high Whitney Houston.

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.