Over the past few months, I’ve heard about the BK Veggie, but I’ve never seen one.

Every time I stepped into a Burger King, I would scan the bright yellow menu board looking for that elusive meatless sandwich, but just like the humor of Everyone Loves Raymond, I couldn’t see it.

I had a theory to the reason why I couldn’t find the BK Veggie. Perhaps being considered the black sheep of the menu kept it off, since it didn’t seem to provide the flame-broiled or deep-fried goodness that people expect when dining with The King.

I also thought it was sold only at participating restaurants, making the BK Veggie sort of an endangered species, like the Humpback Whale, Sea Otter, Komodo Dragon, and cassette tapes.

Eventually, I considered the BK Veggie a myth, like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Grafenberg spot, the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy, and Dr. Phil’s doctorate.

However, a few weeks ago my boss told me about her encounter with the BK Veggie.

“THE BK Veggie!!!” I said excitingly, like I was a spoiled, little 10-year-old boy getting a $300 iPod from his parents because it was the only way for them to shut him up about how everyone at school has an iPod except him, how he’s so uncool, and how he’ll probably die a virgin.

I had to clean my ears with Kenny G to make sure I heard her right. After she repeated herself, I couldn’t believe her, because during those months of searching for the BK Veggie, I taught myself to believe that it didn’t exist, like Santa Claus, true love, a beer that’s less filling and tastes great, and the duckbilled platypus.

Since she knew I had to see it to believe it, we went on a safari in her SUV to catch a glimpse of the elusive BK Veggie. We didn’t drive far before seeing possible signs of the meatless burger, like it being listed on the drive-thru menu for $2.99.

Fortunately, we were able to capture two of the BK Veggies. I thought we were going to just tag them and let them go back into the wild, but my boss said they were tasty. At the time, I was horrified by her comment, because I thought the BK Veggies were an endangered species. However, my boss ensured me that they weren’t, so I dug in.

I unwrapped the paper blanket that it was in and saw that it looked very much like its meat counterparts. It consisted of the typical sesame seed bun, green/white chopped lettuce, a tomato slice, mayonnaise, ketchup, and a Morningstar veggie patty.

After taking a bite of it, I began to understand why the BK Veggie wasn’t an endangered species. It wasn’t very good. Its taste was like the needles around a porcupine, keeping predators away. The combination of the Morningstar veggie patty, ketchup, and mayonnaise seemed to be much like the stinky spray that comes out of a skunk, preventing those higher on the food chain from attacking the BK Veggie.

I think another reason why the BK Veggie isn’t an endangered species is because it’s slimmer than other burgers, perhaps making it more agile, quick, and less filling. With 420 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of dietary fiber, and 23 grams of protein, it’s somewhat healthier than the more common and easier to catch Whopper.

Item: BK Veggie
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Veggie patty for veggie lovers. High in dietary fiber and protein. Low saturated fat. It’s not an endangered species. Komodo Dragons.
Cons: A little pricey for the size of it. Just like Britney and K-Fed, ketchup and mayonnaise don’t make a good couple with this sandwich. More sodium than a Whopper. My excessive use of lists in this review. Watching, listening, or being around Dr. Phil. Dying a virgin.

I am human.

I have faults, like sometimes not using a plate to eat toast, not wearing underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry, or always using the handicap restroom stall, even if all the other stalls are empty.

I have idiosyncrasies, like making smiley faces with my fingers on the fogged up doors in the frozen food section of the grocery store and putting stuffed animals in provocative positions whenever I’m in a toy store.

I also have fears.

Believe me, I have many fears. For example, spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

However, perhaps my biggest fear right now is waking up with The King.

Not Elvis or B.B. King. I’m talking about this guy on the right.

Can you imagine waking up next to The King with that big smile on his face?

If I were to wake up with The King, the first thing that would pop up in my mind is, “Am I The Queen?” Then the next thing I would wonder is, “Why is The King smiling at me?”

Now when a guy wakes up next to a woman and she has a big smile on her face, that probably means she got some sweet, sweet lovin’. Of course, I’m assuming this because that’s never happened to me. If I were to wake up next to The King with a big smile on his face, all I would hope is that it wasn’t because of sweet, sweet lovin’.

So I am afraid of The King and I feel the only way to prevent me from waking up with The King is to eat breakfast at Burger King. It’s much like how I’ll try products to please the Advertising Gods, so that a product’s irritating commercial will go away.

(Note to self: Remember to pick up Ice Breakers Ice Cubes to help get rid of the Duff sisters Whoa! commercial.)

So recently I tried the new Burger King French Toast Sandwich, which consists of two slices of cinnamon and maple-flavored French Toast bread (which look like hash browns), one folded omelet egg, melted American cheese, and either bacon, ham, or sausage.

The concept is very similar to the popular McGriddles breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s, which uses pancakes instead of French toast. I decided to try the sausage one, since that is the one thing I am not hoping for if I wake up next to The King.

The first thing I noticed about the Burger King French Toast Sandwich was how small it was. It was about four inches in diameter. However, the same can be said about the McGriddles.

The French toast bun wasn’t fluffy like normal French toast, instead it seemed like they were deep fried. Heck, the eggs were fluffier than the French toast bun. As for the taste, I liked it very much. There was a nice combination of sweet and salty with every bite. Unfortunately, because of its size, there weren’t many bites.

So now that I’ve had my Burger King breakfast I hope I won’t be waking up with The King with that big smile on his face. If I do, I really hope he’s smiling because he either put a Sharpie pen mustache on my face or put my hand in warm water while I was asleep.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Sasha_Kitty for letting me know about the BK French Toast Sandwich.)

Item: Burger King French Toast Sandwich
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Nice sweet and salty combination. Having a choice between sausage, ham, and bacon. Smiley faces on frozen food section doors.
Cons: Small in size. Waking up next to The King. Spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with overly huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

Sometimes there are ideas that when I first hear about them, I say to myself, “That’s a really good idea.”

But then when I’m sober and I actually see the product, I take back what I said and replace it with something like, “Dammit! I can’t believe I’m wearing men’s capri pants! Damn you, vodka! Damn you!”

Well, it happened to me again with these new Burger King Chicken Fries, which are thin strips of all-white meat chicken breast coated with a seasoned batter.

Damn you, vodka! Damn you!

When I read about them a few months ago, I thought that it was a really great idea, because I imagined that Burger King would take the same sleeves they use for their regular french fries and just fill them with chicken fries instead.

Unfortunately, just like all my imaginations that involve me being a ceiling mirror at the Playboy Mansion, what I imagined the chicken fries were, didn’t come out the way I had hoped.

Instead of a heaping of chicken fries, I had the option of having either a six-piece snack pack or a nine-piece “value” meal, which I decided to purchase. Although, after seeing what the chicken fries looked like, I’d suggest you avoid the “value” meal, because it wasn’t much of a value.

Each chicken fry was a little thicker than BK’s regular french fries, roughly three inches long, and depending where your mind is at, they look like either skinny fried mozzarella sticks or fried tampons.

The BK Chicken Fries comes with a buffalo sauce, which I thought wasn’t bad and tasted better than the buffalo sauce I got with the McDonald’s Chicken Selects I reviewed last year. You can also replace the buffalo sauce with either a barbeque, honey mustard, sweet and sour, or ranch sauce.

Probably the most impressive part of the BK Chicken Fries was the container they came in. Just like the Transformers, this container had more than meets the eye. It had a lid that folds back and creates a place to hold the container of buffalo sauce, as you can see in the picture above.

The container was also designed to fit into your car’s cup holder, so that you can eat while driving, talking on the phone, and yelling stuff at your rowdy kids, like “Be quiet!” or “You were all mistakes!”

I would’ve tried eating them in my car, but I was afraid of getting buffalo sauce on my new red and black leopard print car seat covers.

Grrrowl!

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the BK Chicken Fries. With them being so skinny, receiving only six or nine pieces made them seem overpriced. Plus, with so little chicken in each fry, it seemed like each fry only contained the seasoned batter.

However, I really did like the ingenuity of the container they came in and I now believe that chickens have another fate to look forward to that isn’t as embarrassing as becoming chicken nuggets.

Item: Burger King Chicken Fries
Purchase Price: $4.59 (9-piece value meal)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Buffalo sauce was decent. Nifty container made for those who like to eat on the go. Better fate for chickens than becoming chicken nuggets. Vodka.
Cons: Value meal wasn’t much of a value. Only six or nine pieces. Not much chicken in each fry. Looked like a fried tampon. Men wearing capri pants. Vodka.

How many of you remember the McDLT?

For those of you who weren’t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonald’s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.

This special container kept the “hot side hot” and the “cool side cool,” which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The “hot” thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the “cool” boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.

I don’t know why McDonald’s got rid of McDLT.

Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.

Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the “hot side hot, cool side cool” bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.

Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, “The Pouch,” which is the most unoriginal name since “The Big Bulge,” which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.

The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from “The Pouch” on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.

When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.

After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.

Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isn’t very good. I’ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didn’t have much taste.

The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.

Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.

Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the salad’s.

Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasn’t very good.

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads.
Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasn’t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name “The Pouch.” The name “The Big Bulge.”

First it was the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and now it’s the Ultimate Double Whopper. Burger King, when are you going to learn that no matter how large your sandwiches are, they won’t ever compensate for your small penis.

Not everyone can have a HUGE wang like White Castle. So don’t try to be like Hardee’s, with his Monster Thickburger. He only made it because the huge SUVs and sports cars he bought couldn’t deflect ALL the attention away from his really small dick.

Besides, so what if you have a small dong. Subway has one too, but the difference between Subway and Hardee’s is the fact that Subway knows how to use it with the ladies. Remember it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean…and how long you go down on her.

Anyway, when I picked up the Ultimate Double Whopper, I felt really guilty about eating it on Earth Day last week Friday. On a day that people celebrated conservation and all life on this planet, I devoured half a pound of beef, two slices of American Cheese, several strips of bacon, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun.

It was gluttony at its greatest.

Fortunately, I didn’t eat it at one of the many Earth Day celebrations, because the beef alone would’ve made vegan hippies want to beat me down with their hemp bags.

The first thing I noticed about the Ultimate Double Whopper was its thickness. If you don’t have a big mouth or you aren’t an anime character, you might have a difficult time eating it. It may not look that thick in the picture above, but I had to do some squishing before sticking my chomps into it.

The Ultimate Double Whopper was very good, but this didn’t surprise, since I’m a fan of the regular Whopper. It had that familiar Whopper taste, but the extra beef patty, slices of cheese, and bacon made it also taste like a burger from such fine sit-down establishments with annoying versions of the birthday song, like Chili’s and TGI Friday’s. With all of that stuffed into a burger, the Ultimate Double Whopper was kind of messy, but most big burgers are.

Personally, I think the Ultimate Double Whopper is better than any of Burger King’s overhyped Angus Steak Burgers.

I’d post the nutritional values for the Ultimate Double Whopper, but it’s not available on the Burger King website, which means either Burger King is too afraid to post it or the Ultimate Double Whopper was a figment of my imagination, caused by the excessive calories, fat, and sodium from my McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week.

Whether it’s real or not, I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon, because something like the Ultimate Double Whopper has to be ungodly unhealthy, but for those of you who are curious and don’t have any heart conditions, I’d recommend it.

Even if you have a small penis.

Item: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper
Purchase Price: $5.59 (with $1 off coupon)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good. Better than BK’s Angus Steak Burgers. Thick burger, unlike the size of Burger King’s penis.
Cons: Pricey. Not something anyone should eat on a regular basis. People with small mouths might have trouble eating it. Kind of messy. White Castle has a bigger penis than I do.