REVIEW: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

BK Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

Dear Darius Rucker,

My name is Marvo and I’m a big fan of Hootie and the Blowfish, except for that last album you guys did in 2003. I will also admit, for about six months, I didn’t know you were African-American until I saw one of your music videos on MTV.

I’m writing this letter in regards to the Burger King commercial you did for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. I was wondering how much dignity you have left, because you were a multi-platinum recording artist and now you’re a burger salesman.

Don’t you know that once a celebrity loses all of his or her dignity, they become like Michael Jackson or a cast member on a reality show?

Although, I will admit the song you sing the in commercial is catchy, like your song “Only Wanna Be With You.” The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, my roommate swore he heard me singing the song in my sleep one night while I slept on the living room couch.

But this is not about me singing the song, it’s about you singing the song. This burger selling has to stop before it gets worse and you end up singing songs about insurance or cell phone service plans.

Imagine having to sing a song like this:

I love my cell phone service plan
It allows me to talk to anyone I like
Let’s me call relatives and friends
Free calls on weekends and nights

There’s no roaming charges
Almost everywhere I goes
Receiving text messages are free
I can download ringtones

I love my cell phone service plan
Caller ID and voice mail are slick
Keeps me from receiving prank calls
Since my number was on Paris’ Sidekick

Besides, have you actually eaten a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? I know, in the song you sing about how you love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, but I’ve tried it and I don’t love it.

First off, in the song you sing about how there are streams of bacon ranch dressing, but there’s got to be a drought or something, because at the Burger King I went to they were pretty stingy with it.

Darius Rucker

Also, I know YOU can afford it, but I paid an arm and a leg to buy the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch “value meal.” For the price I paid, I expected you to pop out from behind the counter and start singing the song to me.

I know it’s a very hearty sandwich with chicken breasts that grow on trees, tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar that paves the streets, but I wish it tasted better.

So please Darius Rucker, stop with the commercials. Please don’t make me feel sorry for you, because if you do, I’m gonna have to buy your solo albums out of pity.

Your fan,

Marvo

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
Purchase Price: $6.59 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Bacon and cheddar. The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song is catchy. Hootie and the Blowfish’s last album sucked.
Cons: Not a lot of bacon ranch dressing taste. Pricey. Messy burger. Darius Rucker is an insurance commercial away from losing ALL of his dignity.

Burger King Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger

Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger

You know the name of a burger is too long when it has more words than the total number of times Jennifer Lopez has been engaged.

Congratulations should go out to Burger King and their Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger for this wordage monstrosity.

I can also tell it’s too long, because I have a hard time saying, “Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger” really fast five times in a row.

Go ahead. You try and say it. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here.

(Moments later)

Did you mess up?

You didn’t? Dammit! Are you an auctioneer or something?

Editor’s Note: So I don’t have to type Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger all the frickin’ time, from this point on I will refer to it as ABCRSB (pronounced ab-ceer-sbee).

A few months ago, Burger King introduced the Angus Steak Burger. The Impulsive Buy tried both the original Angus Steak Burger and the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, which I reviewed in September.

In that review, I didn’t think much of the burger’s peppery sauce, but thought it was a hefty burger and the Angus meat was good.

I also didn’t like its name because it was a dropped letter “g” away from being called the Anus Steak Burger, which wouldn’t make it very appetizing, unless you like tossing salad.

Well I guess those Angus burgers were successful enough to warrant (heh, heh) a new burger using Angus beef, hence the ABCRSB.

So what’s different between the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger and the ABCRSB?

The only differences seem to be the ABCRSB’s sauce (a creamy ranch sauce), and the type of cheese (cheddar cheese). However, the creamy ranch sauce hardly added much to the burger, since I really couldn’t taste it.

What’s even more disappointing was the cost of the ABCRSB Value Meal, which was a dollar more than the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger Value Meal. I don’t know if the extra dollar can be justified since the creamy ranch sauce and the cheddar cheese REPLACES the Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger’s peppery sauce and whatever cheese they used.

So I can’t decide what to call that, either a bloody ripoff or a frickin’ scam.

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the ABCRSB. There’s nothing really special about it, except for the fact that it’s made out of Angus beef, but I’ve tasted better burgers that weren’t made out of it.

Well if you’re interested in trying one, do it quick because the ABCRSB is only here for a limited time.


Item: Burger King Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger
Purchase Price: $6.39 (Value Meal)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hearty burger. Angus beef. Oooh, bacon.
Cons: Very pricey. Weak Ranch taste. Really long name and hard to pronounce when saying it really fast five times in a row (At least for me).

REVIEW: Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger

Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger

Honestly, there’s something slightly wrong with eating a burger whose name is a dropped letter “g” away from being called something that’s a part of my own ass.

I actually tried the original Angus Steak Burger when it first came out and I really didn’t think much of it. However, due to the influx of annoying Angus Diet advertisements I felt compelled to try it again, hoping it would please the Advertising Gods and make those commercials go away. Unfortunately, my theory didn’t work.

I think if I ate a heart attack’s worth of Angus Steak Burgers, only then would I be able to get away from those damn commercials, unless heaven has basic cable.

So what exactly is Anus…I mean Angus beef? What makes it so special?

Apparently, only 8 percent of the beef in the United States can be considered Angus beef. It’s known for it outstanding juiciness, tenderness, and flavor. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find out if the Angus beef comes from the ass of a cow, since I think that’s how Angus got its name.

Enough with the slaughterhouse lesson, let’s talk about the rest of the burger which consists of fire-grilled onions, cap leaf lettuce, red ripe tomatoes, freshly toasted corn-dusted buns, signature steak sauce, juicy bacon, and slightly melted cheese.

I don’t know whose signature is on the steak sauce, but they should definitely erase their signature, because this peppery sauce isn’t very good. Not as peppery as the Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips, but it doesn’t add much to the burger. Besides, if the Angus beef is so damn good, why add some weak sauce to cover it?

Despite the sauce, the Angus Bacon and Cheese Steak Burger isn’t a bad burger. It’s big and thick, like all burgers should be and the Angus beef is actually pretty tasty, when the sauce doesn’t get in the way. The burger is kind of pricey, but I guess if you’re getting beef that consists of only 8 percent of all the beef in the U.S., there should be a premium on it.

Then again, should there really be a premium on a burger that I might accidentally (or purposely) order as the Anus Steak Burger.

Item: Burger King Angus Bacon and Cheese Steak Burger
Purchase Price: $5.39 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big, thick burger. Angus beef.
Cons: Signature steak sauce isn’t very good. A little expensive. I wish they would change the name, because I don’t like the images of shaking cow butts in my head.