REVIEW: Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake

Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake

It’s almost holiday/low productivity at work/dealing with annoying parents time.

It’s that time when big band holiday music is played at Crate & Barrel and Banana Republic stores all across the nation to lend that over the top affluence. It’s also that time of year when I relish how bourbon tastes when there’s a chill in the air and that warm feeling in my tummy that follows.

Yet, what I love most about this time of year are the holiday variants of food products that are unleashed. Turkey gravy cough drops, anybody?

Lately I’ve been on a Burger King kick. Partly because BK seems to be one of the few fast foodie joints taking some chances, but, mostly, because BK is within walking distance from my mansion that houses an extensive blazer collection. Also, I can’t drive until my probation is over.

I’m not a big fan of milkshakes, unless it’s a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake. And when I say, “McDonald’s strawberry milkshake,” I mean the vintage version sans whipped cream, the maraschino cherry, and McCafe logo-branded cup. However, as I walked up the curved asphalt in the Burger King drive thru, I couldn’t I pass up what I saw on the backlit menu and in the pictures on the windows? A gingerbread cookie shake.

What came from Burger King’s decked out stainless steel kitchen looked very close to the oversized photos that hung in the window. It was light brown with creamy white swirls throughout the soft serve shake and dolloped with whipped cream and gingerbread cookie crumbles on top. I have no idea what that chemical dairy smell that soft serve exudes, but I’m a fan of it. It’s hard to describe, but when I smell it, I pop a gustation boner.

For a paltry $2.39 (entry fee for the small size) I was given the chance to mentally escape, at least temporarily, the heavy burdens of my ankle bracelet. I straightened my red wool tartan driver’s cap, pressed my button down blue shirt flat with my hands and sat in the booth with determination.

Will I finally tell my wife that I want a divorce because she needs to watch that awful Once Upon A Time show when all I want to do is play Borderlands 2? Will I stand up to the world and tell my probation officer to eat the streets today? Will this be the day my opinion of milkshakes change?

No on all three counts, but allow me to explain.

Great milkshakes have that Goldilocks-like range. Not too watery which makes it like melted ice cream, and not too thick which makes it so hard to suck through a straw that you might as well be performing fellatio. The milkshake I got was perfectly in between.

Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake Closeup

The gingerbread flavor was at the forefront and it was intense. It was buttery, rich and savory the way excellent gingerbread can be. The cookie bits on the top were a whimsical touch, but also served its purpose to emphasize the gingerbread flavor.
There were notes of musky cloves and cinnamon that played very well with the vanilla soft serve blended in the shake. I could taste hints of ginger, which was nice. I thought it was a possible non-alcoholic liquid holiday drink that could help me deal with the frayed nerves of my family.

As perverted as it sounds, this felt so good going down my throat. For a second I thought, “You know what? Life is going to be all right, buddy.” That neighbor who throws chicken bones on my lawn isn’t so bad; he’s just trying to help me fertilize the grass. And you know what else? When my mother says, “Jeff, you’re an idiot and a mistake, we never wanted you,” it’s her way of motivating me to become a better person.

I love you, Mom.

However, just as I was embracing the complexities of a good ginger cookie, the sweetness of the shake did donuts on my tongue and then monster trucked into some old rusty Pontiacs. My teeth began to hurt from how sweet it was. And Tiger Mom, I hate you! You’re always saying such hurtful things. Why didn’t you give me up for adoption to a Non-Chinese family with no Tiger Moms and unfeeling dads?

Happy Holidays, dammit!

Similar to a tidal wave crashing on shore or your gross uncle who lays a fart in the room, the sweetness takes over everything it can reach its proverbial hands on. Basically it’s as if my taste buds were placed in a sleeper hold and the sugar was shouting in their ears to tap out. “SUBMIT, bitch! Tap out! SUBMIT! You know you want to submit! You don’t have it in you! GIVE UP!”

Even though my experience was slightly ruined by the sweetness of the shake, I kept slurping because that gingerbread flavor was so damn good. However, I did not drink the whole shake because it was pretty decadent. But let me say Burger King’s Gingerbread Cookie Shake is worth a try just for the gingerbread flavor, even though you’ll probably find yourself submitting to the sugar high.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be submitting myself to my regular old brown liquors to get me through another Thank(less)giving.

(Nutrition Facts – small size – 490 calories, 15 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 70 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food
On Second Scoop

Item: Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake
Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Small
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Gingerbread flavor is buttery and savory. Thickness of shake was perfect. Big band holiday music. Crate & Barrel. Musky clove and subtle cinnamon flavors. Gustation boner. Banana Republic. Gingerbread cookie crumbles on the top are a nice addition. Borderlands 2.
Cons: Too sweet. McCafe vs. the old shakes. Too damn sweet. Once Upon A Time. Really, it is so sweet. So sweet, my teeth hurt.

REVIEW: Burger King Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries

Burger King Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries

You know what geometric phenomenon doesn’t get enough love these days? The curly object, that’s what. Think about it. Have you ever known something curly that wasn’t also straight up awesome? From Taylor Swift’s curly hair to the always dependable curl route, curly stuff has always been dependable even when it’s not in style.

You know what’s not dependable, though? Burger King’s new Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries. Launched as a limited time only menu item as part of the chain’s 55th birthday bash for the iconic Whopper, the new fries give the corkscrew treatment to the sweet potato fry Burger King originally brought out this summer. They also give the soggy, burnt, and cold treatment to the sweet potato, and mark another “just ok” development in a long history of “just ok” Burger King sides.

So why did I find myself chucking them in my mouth with all the intensity of Garfield letting loose on a hot lasagna? Because sweet potato fries are like pizza, that’s why. At best, they’re the kind of ethereal, salty-sweet-crispy addiction that makes downing hundreds of calories in the time it takes to read this sentence completely acceptable. And at worst, they’re still chock-full of sweet and salty sweet potato flavor that makes downing hundreds of calories in the time it takes to read this sentence moderately acceptable.

As any serious fry eater will tell you, making the perfect fry out of sweet potatoes is hard enough without trying to throw them through a corkscrew. Often soggy or burnt, with interiors that are more creamy that the ideal fluffy, sweet potato fries may taste great, but the texture is always off. It’s the same dilemma with Arby’s Curly Fries. I love the seasoning on Arby’s Curly Fries as much as the next guy, but unlike that always dependable curl route from your tight end to get your team a much needed first down, Arby’s drops the ball half the time when it comes to perfecting the texture of their signature side.

Burger King Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries Closeup 2

It’s the same story at Burger King. I only found one true, slinky-esque Curly Fry in my small order, and met a mixed bag carton of fries that ranged from overcooked and crunchy pieces of fry “burnt ends” to the aforementioned slinky, which while fun to look at, was limp and soggy. I can take limp and soggy, but the cold part was really what bothered me. If I wanted cold sweet potato taste, I could have at least bought a bag of chips, which would have at least been crunchy.

Burger King Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries Closeup 1

Still, like Sbarro pizza, there’s something just intrinsically tasty about it. Perhaps it’s the mere fact that it’s a French Fry made out of sweet potatoes. Obviously they’re naturally sweet and a bit earthy, but it’s the addition of a kind of raw sugar seasoning that allows for snacking on the fries plain to be particularly addicting. This is a good thing, because it took me all of three seconds to reaffirm my belief that ketchup and sweet potatoes just don’t mix.

Burger King Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries Front

If anything, I’d say the fries were a bit undersalted. Also, I’m scratching my head trying to figure out if their was some kind of cinnamon addition to the seasoning. I could have sworn I tasted the classic sweet potato sidekick on some of the fries, but a scan of the ingredient list via the BK website shows no signs. Not cool, Burger King. Sweet potatoes and cinnamon need each other.

Burger King could have done a lot worse with their Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries. Like, they could have made regular curly fries, which probably just would have sucked because of a lack of Arby’s signature seasoning. Still, with more and more fast food and fast casual restaurants going orange on us, you can do a lot better if you’re really looking for that salty-sweet mix.

(Nutrition Facts – Small size – 170 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Burger King Seasoned Sweet Potato Curly Fries
Purchased Price: $1.89
Size: Small
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Addictive sweet potato taste. Not greasy. Has a salty-sweet vibe working. Probably the healthiest fry in fast food (just 170 calories for a small order)
Cons: Horribly inconsistent texture. Served cold. Seasoning is sporadic and hit or miss. Could use a little more salt. One of the few things on earth that does not go with ketchup. Pricey for a small side.

NEWS: Burger King Shows It’s Still Milking the Whopper Teat By Introducing the Wisconsin White Cheddar Whopper

welcome to wisconsin

The Burger King Whopper has had many costume changes. It’s like the Madonna of the fast food world. The list of Whopper variations gets longer every year. There’s been the California Whopper, Angry Whopper, Windows 7 Whopper, Western Whopper, Texican Whopper, Whiplash Whopper, and many more.

This week, the list got a little longer with the introduction of Burger King’s Wisconsin White Cheddar Whopper. The burger features fire-grilled beef, naturally smoked thick-cut bacon, Wisconsin white cheddar cheese, iceberg lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and pickles on a sesame seed bun.

The Wisconsin White Cheddar Whopper has 950 calories, 62 grams of fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1660 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, and 46 grams of protein.

Holy hell! 62 grams of fat! 23 grams of saturated fat!

It’s a good thing there’s also a Wisconsin White Cheddar Whopper Jr. which has “just” 480 calories, 30 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 810 milligrams of sodium, and 23 grams of protein.

NEWS: Add Some Holiday Cheer To Your Burger King Meal With BK’s Gingerbread Cookie Sundae and Shake


This week, Burger King introduced two limited time only holiday desserts — the Gingerbread Cookie Sundae and Gingerbread Cookie Shake.

The Gingerbread Cookie Sundae features vanilla soft serve, topped with a gingerbread sauce and crumbled gingersnap cookies. It has a suggested retail price of $2.49. The hand-blended Gingerbread Cookie Shake is made up of vanilla soft serve and gingerbread syrup blended together with whipped topping and crumbled gingersnap cookies on top. It has a suggested retail price of $1.99.

Personally, I would’ve liked to have seen the Gingerbread Cookie Sundae feature a gingerbread man cookie dunked into the soft serve feet first to make him look like he’s lounging in the sundae.

That’s would’ve been extremely adorable.

Source: Business Wire

REVIEW: Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito

Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito 1

I’m guessing there was a conversation between two junior execs at Burger King Headquarters that went down like this.

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Hey, would you rather do an Italian chick or a Latina?”

Junior Executive Douche #2: “What kind of Spanish chick? That’s important.”

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Good point yo, hmmm….Mexican. Mexicans are hot, Selma Hayek is hot. Those broads on Univision are friggin’ balls hot.”

Junior Executive Douche #2: “Bro, so true, so true. Italian chicks are cute too, like that bangin’ one with the nice rack (gestures with two hands by his chest as if he were holding oranges) on that witch show.”

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Witch show? Buffy?”

Junior Executive Douche #2: “No, that’s vampires or something. You know that girl who was a kid actress with Pesci or Danza, I think.”

And after twelve offensive minutes with numerous references to “Sabado Gigante” and Xuxa”, the sordid origins of Burger King’s Italian Breakfast Burrito went from spank bank ammunition to reality.

I imagine this because the burrito tastes exactly like what douchbags would make, rave about, and chow down on before drinking a Red Bull and vodkatini. The name is funny too…Italian…Breakfast…Burrito. Seriously. I can already see popped collars and smell the Axe body sprays.

I have to give Burger King credit for adding a little Italian flavor to make their stale menu a little more eccitare. They had to do something to help them get back the title of Number Two Burger Chain from Wendy’s.

What else can Burger King do?

Well, maybe bring back the subversive King to the forefront in their ad campaign. I love that guy. Also, take this burrito off the menu.

There are several reasons why, including one that is not the corporation’s fault but the individual franchisees. Now before I wake up with a horse’s head next to me wearing a frosted mane and a sombrero, let me plead my case.

Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito 2

Junior Executive Douche #2: “Ya gotta make it the size of my cock!”

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Yeah, Broski. Not mine because the amount of sausage would bankrupt BK if it were the size of mine! (high five slap)”

Yes, Junior Executive Douche #1, the burrito was the size of a porno boner. I was impressed it was similar in size to one of those Taco Bell seven layer behemoths. I incorrectly assumed it was going to be one of those rinky dink skinny breakfast burritos from McDonald’s. The burrito had an alarming heft and I was left stunned because I wasn’t expecting this. Of course, the old adage is quantity does not mean quality and this crappy burrito proves it with an exclamation point.

Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito 3

Forget about the projected bacon shortage, Burger King must be aware of a tomato shortage we know nothing about because I’ve had their chicken parmesan sandwich and there was very little marinara. That was also the case with this lousy burrito.

Both times I purchased it, there was only a smidge (smudge?) of marinara. I actually got angry about it and wanted to place it on the floor so I could stomp on it.

Potatoes are awesome in a burrito and the hash browns in this heavy package were a welcomed surprise. This was a smart move by Burger King. We love fried potatoes and we love them in burritos dammit! They were still crispy despite the moisture that collected inside, but it also may have been due to the minute, non-existent ghost of tomato sauce.

Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito 4

The sausage was too peppery and a bit salty. The flavors were intense on its own, but the hash browns really tempered the pork. The scrambled eggs were just sad puffy yellow blobs but they too assisted in keeping the overpowering sausage at bay. It was, at best, on par with airline scrambled eggs where they look like an obligation rather than something edible.

Along with the marinara sauce, I’m assuming the diced red and green peppers with onions make this Italian. The watery vegetable slurry did give the burrito a nice bitter edge, but something didn’t taste right. I felt there were too many flavors beating each other “Goodfellas”-style trying to grab your taste buds’ attention.

You know “A Tale of Two Cities”? Well, let me give you a tale of two cheeses.

In casseroles, the cheese is important because it binds things together. The melted mozzarella in this burrito was creamy and it blended very well with the multiple ingredients. The mozzarella did its job.

However, the mozzarella couldn’t do its job in the second Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito I purchased because instead of mozzarella, I was given a burrito with slices of American cheese (which I suppose made it an Italian Americano Breakfast Burrito).

What’s with that, Burger King? You’re as consistent as the writing of How I Met Your Mother this year. Oh, and Ted, you’re a fucking loser…

A Vespa scooter, which I proudly own but can no longer ride, is an iconic Italian image. This burrito is not a Vespa, it’s a clunky Buddy scooter from China with scuff marks and questionable stains on the seat. Avoid.

(Nutrition Facts – 490 calories, 28 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Fried potato in a burrito. Big for a fast food breakfast burrito. Vespa! Potato was still crispy. Red and green peppers lend well to the flavor. Placing things on the floor and stomping on them. Sabado Gigante and Xuxa.
Cons: American or Mozzarella cheese couldn’t save it. Hardly any marinara sauce. Sad eggs. Axe products. That guy who screams, “Gooooooaaaaaaaal!!!” (drives me nuts). Over-seasoned sausage. This season of How I Met Your Mother. Porno boners.