REVIEW: Burger King Donut Holes

BK Doughnut Holes

I’ve developed a few personal rules about breakfast:

Don’t mix orange juice with coffee.

Don’t put grapefruit in the omelette.

Don’t put broccoli in the chocolate ice cream.

If you want a donut, get one.

The last of these, while the seemingly simplest of the bunch, is not always easy. When the craving for a rotund chunk of fried dough strikes, there’s no stopping it, but, in a city where the only fresh-made Krispy Kreme is in an underground cement “garden” and the price of artisan donuts could empty the bank, it’s easy to find yourself stranded in lower Manhattan without a reasonably priced fried dough option in sight…but what’s this?! Burger King offering me instant puffs of fried dough?

Look at that receipt

It proposed such unknown…and yet such happiness. And are we to deny ourselves potential happiness for fear of the unknown? Nay, dear readers! We are not chicken-bellied fools! We boldly go forth and pursue happiness!

Doughnut hole secret identity

It may be a Whopper box, but you can’t fool me!

Pully-aparty donuts

You donuts and your secret identities.

I take a bite and, ahhh, yes, warm donut holes. Or rather, doughy, cube-like shapes. Nothing scary at all. At the same time, nothing too spectacular. On first bite, the dough is warm and a bit chewy, the glaze sticky and sugary. This is a yeast dough, to be sure, somewhat reminiscent of the cross between a grocery store donut and a brioche roll.

However, this joyous experience is time-sensitive. Give these suckers two minutes and the dough takes on taste and texture of a frozen Pillsbury dinner roll that’s been put in the microwave a few seconds. The eating process gets to be a bit of a calisthenic session for the jaw.

The glaze was simple enough, tasting mostly of sugar, sugar, and sugar, a one-note satisfaction to which I’m especially keen on, although I wouldn’t have argued if a little vanilla or cinnamon showed up in there. Both in the warm and cool phases, the glaze remained sticky. I was hoping this sugary patina may dry and crackle along the edges like a Krispy Kreme, but it remained shiny and thin as the wax on a 1957 Ferrari Testa Rossa at a car show.

Sad piece of dry dough

One of the more frustrating qualities of fast food restaurants is the 10:30 breakfast shutdown. Oh, the days that have passed where my 4:30 p.m. sausage biscuit craving is left unfulfilled! Luckily, BK put these donut holes on their all-day menu, so, if the craving hits, you can trust BK will be there with your yeast rolls and sugar.

But, overall, I don’t think I’m up to buying these again. Maybe it was the weather or the lunch rush, but the dry dough and thin glaze didn’t fill the empty donut pocket in my soul. If you really, really need a glazed fix or enjoy microwaved dough, these are an acceptable stand-in, but I would recommend the grocery store Krispy Kreme first.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 donut holes – 280 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Donut Holes reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food
Serious Eats

Item: Burger King Donut Holes
Purchased Price: $1.40
Size: 5 donut holes
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Available any time of day. Sweet glaze. A good idea. Nice portion.
Cons: Dry. Tastes of microwaved dinner roll. Tough to chew. Weak glaze. Grapefruit in an omelette. Low Krispy Kremes population in Manhattan

REVIEW: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich

Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich

You know what three things scare me regarding food?

Cilantro, balut, and Burger King drive-thrus. In that exact order.

And yes, I would rather eat a soapy-tasting weed or a bird embryo than deal with a Burger King drive-thru. Because it took two attempts and two different Burger King drive-thrus to get a proper Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich in my hands.

Now before I begin my foul-mouthed rant about my Burger King visits, I want to add that both were done on the weekend and before 8:30 am when the only person up is my neighbor with OCD who brushes the lawn so it is “straight.” Lastly, it was a rare cold morning in central Florida where the temperature was in the low 40s. So, basically, nobody was on the road except me, my wife, and my neighbor who ensures each leaf is pointed correctly on her tree.

My first attempt to get this sandwich was abysmal. You can get the Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich on either a comfy biscuit or stodgy, yet classy, English muffin. You Francophiles are also in luck; the menu indicates it comes as a Croissan’wich too. I didn’t want the bread to overwhelm the mild Gouda so I decided on the English muffin.

I’m also leery of fast food biscuits because biscuits are a Southern institution as my wife would attest. To me, fast food biscuits (for the most part) are clunky, flavorless and unpleasantly dense. Alas, as luck would have it, “We don’t have no English muffins” buzzed through the speaker.

(sigh)

Window jockey, can you at least feign a sorry?

Burger King Bacon Gouda Biscuit Sandwich

Annoyed, hungry, and not thinking clearly, I settled on the biscuit and waited six fucking minutes for it. Yes. Six…fucking…minutes in the drive-thru for basically a damn bacon and cheese sandwich. Needless to say, the cheese was not melted and appeared it was thrown on the sandwich like it was a discarded Band-Aid.

I felt like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. At least my wife got a good chuckle until I horse-stomped the sandwich in the bag on the passenger side carpet.

Sure, my behavior could be the result of the three hours of sleep I had after a marathon-gaming session, but I don’t think so because I’m still angry and want to choke slam the idiot that made my sandwich. Then I want to take that person’s teeth and put it in the sandwich so I can make them eat it too.

Boy, I need anger management.

My second attempt at another Burger King only reiterated their crappy drive-thru service in my area. I ordered the same thing with an English muffin which they actually had. Great, right?

No, because apparently I’m an asshole for thinking a drive-thru works as simple as:

Step 1. Place your order.
Step 2. Pay.
Step 3. You get your order.

I got up to the window and the manager goes (and I’m paraphrasing), “Uh, did you want cheese and sausage?” Why the hell did I order from the stupid speaker if I have to tell you again what I ordered? So, I repeat my order with disdain and in a minute she hands me the sandwich.

They were fast…almost too fast. My wife, of course, thought the whole thing was funny, but also reminded me to check my sandwich.

Hey! What do you know? It’s a bacon sandwich sans the herb spread and with orange American cheese. Not what I ordered!

After a half-assed apology and dealing with my outrage (I’m pretty sure there was spit in my sandwich now), I received only what I can say was close to perfection, but not enough to quell my anger.

Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich Top

The sandwich was warm and felt great in the cold morning. It radiated in my hands in its neat little package. Unwrapping the white paper, I smelled the buttery eggs embracing me. The English muffin was toasted, yet fluffy, and it was generously slathered with the rich herb sauce.

Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich Closeup 2

The nooks and crannies of the muffin created flavor pockets of butter and it carried the Gouda and eggs away to breakfast heaven. The herb spread and rich buttery flavor complemented each other well. The bacon provided a pleasant fatty saltiness that heightened the sandwich and made me ask myself, “Do I still want to make that person eat their own teeth?”

The melted Gouda was mild, but flavorful. The cheese immersed itself into the egg and buttery spread. The combined components of the sandwich created one lush flavor. I would order it again, although from inside a Burger King. Here’s a tip too, the Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich has 140 less calories than the biscuit version. So decide wisely.

Admittedly, it’s hard to beat the trifecta of a good breakfast — bacon, cheese, and eggs — but Burger King slightly elevated it with this sandwich. It was so good that I don’t care if a BK employee’s DNA may have been in it. In fact, if you put balut, complete with tiny feathers and beak, into that sandwich, I would still eat it.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 22 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 195 milligrams of cholesterol, 920 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich reviews:
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The muffin sandwich was buttery, salty, crispy, warm, and lush all at the same time. Horse-stomping things. The herb spread complemented the sandwich’s butteriness. The Gouda melded well with the eggs. Falling Down.
Cons: Burger King Drive-Thrus in my area are manned by imbeciles. This is a limited offer. Unmelted cheese on breakfast sandwiches is disgusting. My wife laughing at me. Cleaning up the car after my antics.

REVIEW: Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger

Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger

If I had a dollar for every time Burger King released a burger topped with their mediocre onion rings, I’d have enough money to buy a Burger King burger topped with their mediocre onion rings. But even though Burger King’s onion rings aren’t anything special, when BK combines them with one of their burgers, it usually creates magic. There was the Rodeo Cheeseburger, Angry Whopper, Western Angus Steak Burger, Western BBQ BK Toppers, Rodeo Whopper, and now there’s the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger.

This new Burger King sandwich isn’t the first one topped with onion rings and it also isn’t the first one to have a beef patty stuffed with, um…stuff. In 2011, they attempted to burn our mouths with their Jalapeño Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger.

I’m now going to explain what’s in the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger like I’m an overzealous marketing person and use more adjectives than I need to. The Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger is made up of a juicy and cowtstanding USDA-Inspected fire-grilled ground beef patty stuffed with yummy, swinesational hardwood smoked bacon and delicious, gooey cheddar cheese, topped with fresh-cut, crisp, and greenish lettuce; ripe, succulent tomato slices; red, vinegary, and stain-causing ketchup; creamy, white, and oozable mayonnaise; and crispy, golden brown, and bad breath-causing onion rings all on a warm, squishy artisan-style bun.

With the inclusion of onion rings, I thought the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger would’ve followed in the footsteps of many other onion ring-topped BK burgers and come with barbecue sauce. But alas, I had to settle for barbecue sauce’s condiment cousins, ketchup and mayo. However, and this is going to sound strange, the ketchup and a few other ingredients, at times, made the burger taste as if it had barbecue sauce. Besides that, the ketchup and mayonnaise made my hands look like I turned into the Incredible Hulk and SMASH STORE CONDIMENT SECTION!

Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger Closeup

If you’re like me and complain regularly on a semi-popular food review blog about how I can rarely taste the bacon in most fast food burgers, then you’ll be happy to hear the flavor of the bacon in the thick patty stands out. Every bite I took from this burger had a nice smoky and swinetastic flavor. It feels a little weird to be biting on bacon bits instead of strips of bacon and it makes the patty taste even saltier, but who cares? I can finally taste the bacon in a fast food burger!

Let’s celebrate with bacon!

However, what didn’t stand out were the bits of cheddar in the beef patty, which was the same issue the Jalapeño Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger had. But the onion rings did somewhat make up for the cheese by providing a mild onion flavor that went well with the beef and gave the burger a slight crunchiness.

With Burger King’s limited time only spring menu, they’re giving you a lot of new sandwich choices — a turkey burger, a new Whopper variety, a new chicken sandwich, a veggie burger, and this burger. If you’re having trouble deciding what to eat, I think you can’t go wrong with the Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger.

(Nutrition Facts – 650 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1420 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger reviews:
Brand Eating
The Food Chain Review
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice flavor. I can taste the bacon in a fast food burger. Thick patty. Onion rings provided a little crunchiness. At times, the burger tasted as if it has barbecue sauce. BK burger + onion rings = magic.
Cons: Cheddar in the patty didn’t add anything. Someone may have put too much ketchup and mayonnaise in my burger. Awesome source of sodium. Available for a limited time. Going adjective crazy.

REVIEW: Burger King Turkey Burger

Burger King Turkey Burger

The paleness of the turkey patty used in Burger King’s limited time only Turkey Burger may make it look a little unappetizing and tofu patty-ish, but think of it this way: it’s pretty much the same color as the white meat turkey you’d eat on Thanksgiving and the turkey leftovers you’d eat for many days after Thanksgiving.

Although Burger King is not the first fast food chain to sell turkey burgers (Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s had/have turkey burgers), they are the first of the big three burger chains to offer one. And, to be honest, I’d like to see McDonald’s and Wendy’s attempt their own versions, especially McDonald’s since they’re always trying to create healthier fare.

Yes, a turkey burger is supposed to be a healthier option and it was in Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s case. But what about Burger King’s Turkey Burger? Let’s dish the digits and compare nutrition facts, shall we?

A Burger King Whopper has 630 calories, 35 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, and 980 milligrams of sodium. A Burger King Turkey Burger has 530 calories, 26 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, and 1,210 milligrams of sodium. As you can see, BK’s Turkey Burger is mostly better nutrition-wise when compared to a Whopper. However, a Burger King Tendergrill Chicken Sandwich, which has 470 calories, 18 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, and 1330 milligrams of sodium, makes the Turkey Burger look like a Whopper.

But how does Burger King’s Turkey Burger stack up against another turkey burger?

Hardee’s Original Turkey Burger has 390 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, and 860 milligrams of sodium, so it’s significantly better for us than Burger King’s Turkey Burger. However, the reviews for the Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. Turkey Burger haven’t been glowing.

To be honest, those reviews had me worried about Burger King’s Turkey Burger. But after tasting it, it turns out I shouldn’t have been concerned.

Burger King Turkey Burger Side

My sandwich with the pale fire-grilled turkey patty was supposed to be topped with almost-as-pale lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, ketchup, and mayonnaise on a premium, artisan-style bun. I say, “supposed to” because instead of red onions, my sandwich came with onion rings, which I took out and placed on the side before eating the burger.

The turkey patty had a mouthfeel somewhat similar to a beef patty and was slightly juicy. While it’s the same color as white meat Thanksgiving turkey, it doesn’t quite have the same flavor. It’s flavorful, but my taste buds didn’t immediately register it as turkey. It turns out that it’s not 100 percent turkey. According to the ingredients list, the turkey patty contains a smidgen of dried chicken and dried chicken broth.

Dammit! If Burger King added some dried duck, they could’ve had a turducken patty!

The lettuce, tomato, ketchup, and mayonnaise did an awesome job of falling out of the sandwich and/or getting all over my hands. But the ketchup was also one of the dominant flavors in the burger, masking somewhat the patty’s flavor.

Overall, my Burger King Turkey Burger was surprisingly tasty, even without the red onions. I’ve had better turkey burgers at casual dining places, but for fast food, it’s good. I enjoyed it enough that I hope Burger King decides to create other turkey burger variations.

(Nutrition Facts – 530 calories, 240 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 1210 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 27 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Turkey Burger
Purchased Price: $4.89*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice flavor, although doesn’t instantly register as turkey. Surprisingly tasty. Better for you than most BK burgers and sandwiches. Burger King continuing to release a slew of new products on a regular basis.
Cons: Pale turkey patty may look unappetizing to some. Messy ass sandwich. Pale lettuce. Ketchup masks the patty’s flavor. No dried duck to make it a turducken patty. Burger King location messing up an order.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the price I paid is probably much higher than you’ll pay.

REVIEW: Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee from Seattle’s Best Coffee

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee

Like many Americans, I consider myself completely incapable of functioning without the glorious benefits of caffeine. I’ll kick around a couple Coke Zeros a day and maybe even an energy drink now and then, but by far, my shaking, yet functioning, hands rely on a strong cup of coffee every morning to get me through the work day.

Being that coffee seems to be one of the few beverages left that science says can actually lengthen my life and not just send me to an early, morbidly obese (if not cancerous) grave, I don’t feel too bad about this otherwise breath-killing addiction.

Embracing this habit, I figure I might as well be drinking something reasonably good and affordable too. I fancy myself something of an everyman when it comes to coffee, mind you, but I do recognize an objective hierarchy in the kinds of roasted beans I want to ingest. And no, I’m not just talking about Jelly Belly Cappuccino jelly beans.

I really don’t think about Burger King when it comes to coffee. At least, I haven’t thought about it much since that one time when I actually had their coffee. Perhaps slightly better than stale DMV coffee but not quite up to the level of West Virginia roadside truckstop brews, Burger King’s previous BK Joe was, at best, a black substance that was (sometimes) hot.

But with the chain deciding to take one step closer towards becoming McDonald’s by ditching its traditional burgers and fries only lineup in place of something bordering on vaguely café-ish, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see if the new Seattle Best Smooth Roast Coffee could take the bitter taste (pun completely and egregiously intended) of my past experience from my mouth.

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee Cup

Seeing that my local Burger King just happens to be right next to my local McDonald’s, I figured a side-by-side comparison was in order. I’ve never been wowed by the “100% Arabica beans” of the Premium Roast from the Golden Arches, but it seems popular enough amongst those who frequent fast food for breakfast.

The first thing I noticed about Burger King’s coffee was, like McDonald’s, the lack of control you have over flavoring. True, ask for a few creamers (thankfully of the real variety) and sweeteners of your choice and each chain is happy to provide them, but when it comes to spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, or vanilla (like Starbucks or Einstein Brothers provides) you’re out of luck. You’re also out of luck for multiple cream/milk options, although I guess you could always purchase a kid’s meal milk separately.

Advantage? It’s a draw, with both chains clearly not catering to the consummate coffee drinker.

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee McDonald's Coffee Lids

While both chains serve iced coffee with a variety of flavors, when it comes to keeping coffee hot, and not just lukewarm, both did the trick. But where McDonald’s coffee was served in a scalding hot manner that left a nasty little burn bump on my upper lip, Burger King’s was just right. It really doesn’t help that the McCafe cups come with an awkward lid that doesn’t funnel hot beverages so much as it releases liquid in the coffee equivalent to a surging river. It’s a point I probably wouldn’t have noticed had it not been for Burger King’s more drinker-friendly lid, which funneled the just-right Smooth Roast Coffee into my sleep deprived system.

Advantage? This one goes to Burger King.

Now, on to flavor. The Seattle’s Best Coffee is indeed smooth, especially when compared to McDonald’s “Premium” McCafe blend. Taking initial sips from each chain’s coffee, I find the McCafe coffee bland, bitter, and a touch watery, with no substantial flavor notes or earthy characteristics. Burger King’s blend is naturally a bit sweeter, slightly nutty, and noticeably less bitter, and has a higher drinkability factor all on its own. I didn’t pick up any of the advertised “chocolaty,” notes, but on its own it came across as sharper and better tasting than McDonald’s blend.

After initially tasting both coffees black, I added the prerequisite cream and sweetener (Splenda). Here again I enjoyed the Seattle Best Coffee more, and felt like the smooth and light flavor complimented the cream better than McDonald’s coffee, which still came off as watery and underwhelming to me.

Advantage? Clearly, the King did something right here.

Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee Closeup

Is Burger King’s coffee something that a serious coffee drinker should seek out? Only if you’re a serious coffee drinker in a town full of truckstops offering stale tasting coffee. But even though I wouldn’t take the Smooth Roast over chains like Starbucks or even my own favorite, Einstein’s Brothers, Burger King’s Smooth Roast Coffee from Seattle’s Best Coffee is a real improvement over Burger King’s previous java attempts.

(NOTE: For a limited time, you can get a small cup for just a quarter and, according to the worker taking my order, you can get a shot of flavor for free.)

(Nutritional Facts: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 0 gram dietary fiber, and 0 grams of protein.)

Other BK Smooth Roast Coffee reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food (Iced Mocha version)

Item: Burger King Smooth Roast Coffee from Seattle’s Best Coffee
Purchased Price: .25 cents (limited time only price)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Caffeine! Better than McDonald’s “Premium” coffee. Not watered down. Mellow and slightly sweet flavor. Not overly bitter. User-friendly lid. Free flavor shot.
Cons: Won’t appease serious coffee drinkers. Only comes in one flavor. Not very bold or complex. Add-ins like cinnamon or cocoa not available. Costs extra for whipped cream. Not as tasty as Jelly Belly Cappuccino jelly beans. Contemplating burger and coffee pairings.