I’m guessing there was a conversation between two junior execs at Burger King Headquarters that went down like this.
Junior Executive Douche #1: “Hey, would you rather do an Italian chick or a Latina?”
Junior Executive Douche #2: “What kind of Spanish chick? That’s important.”
Junior Executive Douche #1: “Good point yo, hmmm….Mexican. Mexicans are hot, Selma Hayek is hot. Those broads on Univision are friggin’ balls hot.”
Junior Executive Douche #2: “Bro, so true, so true. Italian chicks are cute too, like that bangin’ one with the nice rack (gestures with two hands by his chest as if he were holding oranges) on that witch show.”
Junior Executive Douche #1: “Witch show? Buffy?”
Junior Executive Douche #2: “No, that’s vampires or something. You know that girl who was a kid actress with Pesci or Danza, I think.”
And after twelve offensive minutes with numerous references to “Sabado Gigante” and Xuxa”, the sordid origins of Burger King’s Italian Breakfast Burrito went from spank bank ammunition to reality.
I imagine this because the burrito tastes exactly like what douchbags would make, rave about, and chow down on before drinking a Red Bull and vodkatini. The name is funny too…Italian…Breakfast…Burrito. Seriously. I can already see popped collars and smell the Axe body sprays.
I have to give Burger King credit for adding a little Italian flavor to make their stale menu a little more eccitare. They had to do something to help them get back the title of Number Two Burger Chain from Wendy’s.
What else can Burger King do?
Well, maybe bring back the subversive King to the forefront in their ad campaign. I love that guy. Also, take this burrito off the menu.
There are several reasons why, including one that is not the corporation’s fault but the individual franchisees. Now before I wake up with a horse’s head next to me wearing a frosted mane and a sombrero, let me plead my case.
Junior Executive Douche #2: “Ya gotta make it the size of my cock!”
Junior Executive Douche #1: “Yeah, Broski. Not mine because the amount of sausage would bankrupt BK if it were the size of mine! (high five slap)”
Yes, Junior Executive Douche #1, the burrito was the size of a porno boner. I was impressed it was similar in size to one of those Taco Bell seven layer behemoths. I incorrectly assumed it was going to be one of those rinky dink skinny breakfast burritos from McDonald’s. The burrito had an alarming heft and I was left stunned because I wasn’t expecting this. Of course, the old adage is quantity does not mean quality and this crappy burrito proves it with an exclamation point.
Forget about the projected bacon shortage, Burger King must be aware of a tomato shortage we know nothing about because I’ve had their chicken parmesan sandwich and there was very little marinara. That was also the case with this lousy burrito.
Both times I purchased it, there was only a smidge (smudge?) of marinara. I actually got angry about it and wanted to place it on the floor so I could stomp on it.
Potatoes are awesome in a burrito and the hash browns in this heavy package were a welcomed surprise. This was a smart move by Burger King. We love fried potatoes and we love them in burritos dammit! They were still crispy despite the moisture that collected inside, but it also may have been due to the minute, non-existent ghost of tomato sauce.
The sausage was too peppery and a bit salty. The flavors were intense on its own, but the hash browns really tempered the pork. The scrambled eggs were just sad puffy yellow blobs but they too assisted in keeping the overpowering sausage at bay. It was, at best, on par with airline scrambled eggs where they look like an obligation rather than something edible.
Along with the marinara sauce, I’m assuming the diced red and green peppers with onions make this Italian. The watery vegetable slurry did give the burrito a nice bitter edge, but something didn’t taste right. I felt there were too many flavors beating each other “Goodfellas”-style trying to grab your taste buds’ attention.
You know “A Tale of Two Cities”? Well, let me give you a tale of two cheeses.
In casseroles, the cheese is important because it binds things together. The melted mozzarella in this burrito was creamy and it blended very well with the multiple ingredients. The mozzarella did its job.
However, the mozzarella couldn’t do its job in the second Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito I purchased because instead of mozzarella, I was given a burrito with slices of American cheese (which I suppose made it an Italian Americano Breakfast Burrito).
What’s with that, Burger King? You’re as consistent as the writing of How I Met Your Mother this year. Oh, and Ted, you’re a fucking loser…
A Vespa scooter, which I proudly own but can no longer ride, is an iconic Italian image. This burrito is not a Vespa, it’s a clunky Buddy scooter from China with scuff marks and questionable stains on the seat. Avoid.
(Nutrition Facts – 490 calories, 28 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein.)
Item: Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito
Purchased Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Fried potato in a burrito. Big for a fast food breakfast burrito. Vespa! Potato was still crispy. Red and green peppers lend well to the flavor. Placing things on the floor and stomping on them. Sabado Gigante and Xuxa.
Cons: American or Mozzarella cheese couldn’t save it. Hardly any marinara sauce. Sad eggs. Axe products. That guy who screams, “Gooooooaaaaaaaal!!!” (drives me nuts). Over-seasoned sausage. This season of How I Met Your Mother. Porno boners.