Like most store-bought egg nog and some counties in Kentucky, the bourbon sauce in the new Carl’s Jr. Kentucky Bourbon Burgers contains no alcohol. Of course, this probably disappoints alcoholics looking to drink a meal with alcohol, instead of their usual drinking a meal.

The Kentucky Bourbon Burger is available for a limited time in three varieties: single ($2.99), double ($3.99), and Six Dollar Burger ($4.89). The single and double versions have all-beef patties, while the Six Dollar Burger has a 100% Black Angus Beef Patty. All the burgers also consist of two strips of bacon, pepperjack cheese, garlic-pepper onion straws, lettuce, tomato and a sweet Kentucky Bourbon Sauce in a toasted, sesame seed bun.

The Six Dollar version has 970 calories, 40 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 2390 milligrams of sodium and 50 grams of protein. The Double version contains 1000 calories, 51 grams of fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 1850 milligrams of sodium and 51 grams of protein. The Single version has 730 calories, 32 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1470 milligrams of sodium and 31 grams of protein.

Carl’s Jr. has been promoting their new Charbroiled Steak Sandwich by saying it’s a cheap way for guys to get a steak dinner on a date, but I don’t think it’s the best strategy.

The cheapest way for some dude to get a steak dinner on date night is by going to an expensive steak place (Tip #1: Morton’s or Ruth Chris), ordering the most expensive steak on the menu, and when the bill comes, patting the pocket he usually keeps his wallet in and then frantically patting all of the pockets on his body (Tip #2: Wear cargo pants on the date because there will more pockets to pat). The dude should then deeply sigh, grimace, apologize, say he forgot his wallet at home, and ask his date if she could pay. After she does, he should tell her that he’s worried about identity theft so he needs to go home to find his wallet and he’ll call her later. When he gets home, he should call his date, tell her that he found his wallet, and then say he never wants to see her again because she is ugly and needs better personal hygiene, like flossing better or not putting on perfume that makes her smell like old fart.

(Tip #3: Get a new phone number after doing this. Actually, get a new phone number, move to a new city, and grow/shave off facial hair, because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.)

The attack on her self-consciousness will help her forget she just spent $100 on him and the only payment he’ll have to make is guilt, which goes away with a lot of alcohol.

(Tip #4: This freeloading has no gender bias. Women can also use these techniques on men.)

The Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich is probably the next cheapest way to get a steak dinner on a date. It’s significantly more compassionate than the best way, but it’s also significantly less tasty because it’s quite unexciting. The sandwich is made up of a 100% sirloin steak, topped with breaded onion rings, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise in a toasted roll.

The steak that comes with it is an actual piece of steak and not any of that ground Angus stuff that Burger King tries to push as a steak in their Steakhouse burgers. The steak was a little tough and didn’t really taste like steak, instead I thought it tasted more like pork chops. Being that there’s an actual piece of steak and the onion rings hardly added any flavor to it, I was hoping Carl’s Jr. would’ve added a steak sauce to it, like A1 Steak Sauce, Heinz 57, or maybe Worcestershire sauce.

The Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich is hearty like an steak, but unfortunately its flavor doesn’t match. It maybe a cheap way to get a steak dinner on date night, but I wouldn’t try it because hell hath no fury like a woman who is expecting a real steak dinner.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 700 calories, 38 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 32 grams of protein, and 0 grams of self-consciousness destruction.)

(Editor’s Note: See the Carl’s Jr. commercial for their Charbroiled Steak Sandwich below.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich
Price: $5.99 (sandwich only – $4.69 in the rest of the country)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Has an actual piece of steak. Lot of protein. Onion rings added a slight crunch. Getting a free steak dinner though deception.
Cons: Unexciting taste. Sirloin steak tasted like pork chops. Onion rings didn’t add much flavor. No steak sauce. High in sodium. The fury of scorn women. Guilt.

The Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is meant for the daring. It’s made for women who are willing to dance with the guy in the corner wearing sunglasses at night, with two popped collars, and clubgoers always form a large circle around him, not because he needs space to break out his dance moves, but because he has poor personal hygiene. It’s made for men who have the huge brass cojones to write a heart-warming sonnet that uses the Shakespearean rhyme scheme ABAB CDCD EFEF GG to proclaim their love for combing the manes of their My Little Ponies. It’s made for the small dogs who go up to significantly bigger dogs and bark the words, “You are my bitch.”

This breakfast burrito is only meant for the audacious diner because its ingredients list makes the KFC Famous Bowl seem a little less famous, like going from Alec Baldwin to Daniel Baldwin, and its nutritional values would make a doctor’s heart skip a beat. The cavalcade of ingredients not only consists of the trifecta of pig products — sausage, ham, and bacon — it also has scrambled eggs, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack cheese, shredded cheddar cheese, and white sausage gravy in a flour tortilla. It’s like they took George Orwell’s Animal Farm, wrapped it in tortilla, and scraped out the equines and communism.

With all of those ingredients, I was thinking some would overwhelm others, like normal people being stuffed in a room with Robin Williams clones, and it turns out that I was correct. All I could taste was the egg, tortilla, ham, and sausage gravy, although the white gravy was a little weak, making biscuits everywhere cry a little. I was hoping there would be a strong sausage and bacon flavor, but I guess ham is the Highlander and there can only be one in this breakfast burrito. The hash browns were soggy to the point where its texture was as soft as the eggs, so it didn’t add any crunch to it. Perhaps if I ate it in the restaurant instead of eating it ten minutes later in the comfort of my love shack, the hash brown would’ve still been crunchy. Despite not being able to taste all of the ingredients, it was decent as a ham and egg burrito, plus it had a nice heft to it, but I probably wouldn’t order it again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burrito – 770 calories, 47 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 495 milligrams of cholesterol, 1530 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 6 grams of dietary fiber, and 31 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE (with coupon from PR peeps)
Size: 308 grams
Purchased at: Carls’ Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Meant for the daring eater. Decent tasting as a ham and egg burrito, since that most of what I could taste.. High in protein. Six grams of dietary fiber. George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
Cons: Couldn’t taste sausage and bacon. Sausage gravy was a little weak. Hash brown were soggy. High in sodium and saturated fat. Being in a room filled with Robin Williams clones.

Metaphorically, I always seem to put my foot in my mouth, but I’ve never been able to do it literally because I lack the flexibility of a Chinese acrobat and my feet smell like stinky cheese and ballsack sweat. However, thanks to the Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito I can now experience what it feels like to have something that is roughly the mass of someone’s foot and stick it in my mouth. I would’ve listed all of the ingredients, but I figured by the time you got half way through, you might have chest pains from just reading it. With 770 calories and 47 grams of fat, it’s a gluttonous way to start your morning. It’s available now at your nearest Carl’s Jr. for $2.69.

When I looked at the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger, which consisted of a beef patty, guacamole, two strips of bacon, melted pepper jack cheese, red onions, tomatoes, and lettuce on a toasted sesame seed bun, it reminded of three things: my hardening arteries, the movie Ghostbusters, and Christmas.

This avocado lovin’ burger reminded me of the movie Ghostbusters because the guacamole is the same color as the ectoplasmic goo that made up the green gluttonous ghost, Slimer, and just like the ectoplasmic goo, the guacamole is messy and ends up everywhere. The Guacamole Bacon Burger also reminded me of Christmas because of its excessive use of red and green ingredients. It was like walking through the Christmas decoration aisles at Wal-Mart. The red strips of bacon were like red strips of ribbon, the leaves of green lettuce were like leaves of green wrapping paper, the red onions were like the red tinsel wrapped around the a Christmas tree, and the green guacamole was like the puke from Santa’s overworked, sweatshop elves.

Although the burger did remind me that there are only a little more than ten weeks until Christmas and it used an excessive amount of holiday colors that made me wish I was colorblind, it was one of the tastiest burgers I’ve had in a while and if the Grinch tries to steal it from me, not even Dr. Seuss will be able to save his ass from the beating I would give him. The burger was quite tasty, thanks to the guacamole, which wasn’t too avocado-y and didn’t overpower the other ingredients, like Kim Kardashian’s ass does to other riders in an elevator. The green topping also surprisingly brought a little heat to the burger. The strips of bacon were decent-sized and had a smoky flavor that complemented well with everything else.

The only major thing I didn’t like about the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger was that there were too many cold ingredients in it. The patty was well cooked, but the vegetables and the guacamole brought down the overall temperature of the burger, which was kind of weird when you’re expecting a hot sandwich.

Beyond its taste, what I also liked about this burger was Carl’s Jr.’s willingness to add ingredients that other fast food places wouldn’t have the balls…I mean, cojones to use. They’ve added a pineapple to their Teriyaki Burger and I think they were the first ones to add jalapeno peppers to a burger.

I just hope the next burger they try to make will remind me of Halloween, perhaps orange tomatoes, black mushrooms, and purple eggplant?

Get on it, Carl’s Jr!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 850 calories, 55 g of fat, 16 g of saturated fat, 105 mg of cholesterol, 1430 mg of sodium, 55 g of carbohydrates, 10 g sugar, 4 g dietary fiber, and 32 g of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger
Price: $3.59
Size: Single
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Really tasty. Guacamole added a nice flavor and some heat to the burger. Guacamole didn’t overpower the other ingredients. Carl’s Jr. having the balls to use ingredients that other won’t. The movie Ghostbusters.
Cons: Too many cold ingredients brought down overall temperature of burger. Guacamole makes the burger extremely messy. Excessive use of Christmas colors. Great source of sodium. Great source of saturated fat.

In perhaps the most random pairing since Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme in the horrible action flick Double Team, Carl’s Jr. and Cap’n Crunch have come together to deliver an ice cream shake that can satisfy any dairy craving. But why Cap’n Crunch? Is he not one of the lamest of all cereal mascots? Is the Lucky Charms leprechaun strung out on acid? Has the Trix rabbit finally ended his agony by murdering all the children that have tormented him?

I would hope not, but it is a rather curious choice. Cap’n Crunch has been laying low for the past several years, presumably shamed by the negative media attention he has received. First, his cereal was accused of cutting the roofs of people’s mouths, then Chris Rock compares him to Michael Jackson. His last appearance was a cameo on Family Guy where we discover that he had put a hit out on Count Chocula for spreading the mouth laceration rumor.

Whatever the reason for his disappearance, the Cap’n is back in milkshake form. After I tasted the ultra-thick shake, I realized why Cap’n Crunch is surprisingly delicious, especially when it’s blended and you don’t have to eat it in fear. You get a shake that is mostly ice cream and topped with a good amount of whipped cream. This is essential for me because I like to do that sexy tongue thing with the whipped cream, making this a perfect date dessert.

However, you probably won’t be able to enjoy this as you’re commuting. The cereal bits can easily clog the straw and make consumption-on-the-go pretty much impossible. Ask for a spoon if you’re planning on enjoying it. Even without the cereal, it’s still too thick to suck down.

That’s what she said.

Another downside is that even though it doesn’t taste ridiculously sweet, this thing is packed with 79 grams of sugar. It also has 35 grams of fat, a fact that Jared from Subway is sure to be shoving in your face during his next commercial. It’s probably a good idea to split this one, seeing as it has enough fat and sugar to kill a small child. It would be a pleasant and painless death, but one that the Cap’n probably wouldn’t want to be held liable for.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Shake – 740 calories, 35 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 100 mg of cholesterol, 320mg sodium, 94 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 79 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake
Price: FREE from the Carl’s Jr. PR peeps (retails for $3.09)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Blended cereal and ice cream taste surprisingly good together. Won’t cut the roof of your mouth. Even with all the sugar, doesn’t taste too sweet. That sexy thing I do with whipped cream.
Cons: Cap’n Crunch is a pretty lame mascot. The movie Double Team. Jared from Subway’s condescending attitude. Nearly impossible to drink through the straw. Enough fat and sugar to kill small children.

When I found out that Carl’s Jr. had a new breakfast burrito, I wasn’t too excited.

One – most of Carl’s Jr.’s breakfast food consists of about five different types of ham and sausage bundled together with hash browns. It’s a little nauseating to say the least.

Two − eating the Huevos Rancheros burrito in Southern California is like having KFC while you’re in Georgia. I couldn’t imagine that the restaurant down the street wouldn’t have a better version.

Three − they didn’t have an advertising blitz of Paris Hilton having sex with it like they did with one of their Six Dollar Burgers. Paris Hilton isn’t my cup of tea, but I appreciated the thought.

As previously mentioned, I can’t walk a block without running into a restaurant that serves huevos rancheros. Huevos rancheros is a traditional Mexican breakfast dish meant to satisfy a farmer’s hunger. It consists of a foundation of corn tortillas, eggs, and salsa, with a few other optional ingredients. “Huevos” means eggs in Spanish, and “rancheros” means rancher.

Interestingly enough, “huevos” is also slang for testicles, so you’re basically eating the balls of a rancher. If you make sure to ignore the laughter from the waiters after you order, you will be rewarded with a hearty breakfast.

Since I have had my fair share of rancher’s balls throughout the years, I have developed a very discerning palette when it comes to this Mexican breakfast. You can understand my skepticism when it came to trying this gringo-ized burrito. The Carl’s Jr. version is made up of scrambled eggs, cheese, refried beans, corn tortilla strips, and a ranchero sauce. I cut into it, noted the strange texture of the eggs, and took a bite.

My first thought was that it was surprisingly good. It was not as heavy as I thought it would be and the lack of meat was a nice change of pace for a breakfast burrito. However, I soon realized that it tasted exactly like a regular bean and cheese burrito at more than double the price.

You can’t really taste the eggs, which is probably a good thing since they are overcooked and spongy. Real huevos rancheros have delectable sunny side up eggs; these only pale in comparison. The ranchero sauce is very tangy, but lacks the spice appropriate for a manly Mexican breakfast. The tortilla strips felt tacked on and soon become soggy and lost within the depths of the refried beans.

In the end, it is a glorified bean and cheese burrito with a fun-to-pronounce name. I had suspected as much, but can’t help but feel disappointed by the lack of heat and flavor. It is a shame that every slutty Hollywood starlet happens to be in rehab or jail, because only the raunchiest of commercials could make this burrito memorable.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 burrito – 660 calories, 34 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 490 milligrams of cholesterol, 1550 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbs, and 30 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Huevos Rancheros Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE with coupon from nice PR person (retails for $2.39)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Adds variety to Carl’s Jr.’s meat-centric breakfast menu. Tastes like a decent bean and cheese burrito. The shameless, yet entertaining advertising techniques employed by Carl’s Jr.
Cons: Generally lacking any heat and unique flavor. Pretty pricey when compared to regular bean burritos. Tortilla strips fade into refried beans. Eggs look like some type of strange membranous creature when cut open.

If the new Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger — which contains a grilled slice of Dole pineapple — becomes really popular, I fear that a particular sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea might not have a home to return to.

After trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger, I think SpongeBob SquarePants might just lose his home, because it’s a surprisingly good burger, which may cause the demand for pineapples to go up. Sure, it may not look very good in the picture above, but you know what they say, “Never judge a burger by the immigrant or high-school-aged minimum wage worker who made it.”

Despite how good it is, I can’t let SpongeBob lose his home, because if he has no home, he might end up coming out of the water and eventually find his way to my apartment on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

That would be totally uncool.

A visit from SpongeBob is just like a visit from your extremely racist grandma or non-deodorant wearing European cousin who sweats like a pig. After a little while, you REALLY want them to go.

I can just imagine what it would be like living with him. Sure, it would be fine if SpongeBob just sat quietly in front of the TV and watched the Food Network all day, but just like a drunk Mel Gibson, it’s hard for SpongeBob to not open his mouth and say something irritating or offensive. I think I’d also be irritated by his obnoxious voice or his laugh and I’m afraid of conversations that will go like this:

Marvo: I just bought a bag of chips, do you know where it is? I know you know, you spineless, leeching prick, because there are chip crumbs around your mouth.

SpongeBob: Those chips are apparently on your shoulder and not in my stomach. Daaaa! Daaaa! Daaaa!

He also seems like a messy kind of guy. I don’t want him to be leaving his SquarePants wherever he wants and I hope he doesn’t leave his underwear strewn all over the place, because I’m not touching his SquareTightyWhiteys or SquareThong.

Anyway, along with the grilled slice of pineapple, the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger also consists of a charbroiled all-beef patty, teriyaki sauce, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, sliced red onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun. The idea of having a pineapple in a burger does sound disgusting, and I originally thought so too, but after trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger I found that the pineapple actually enhances the decent teriyaki sauce, giving it a good sweet and salty flavor.

With 660 calories, 61 grams of carbs, 34 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol and 1,070 milligrams of sodium, it’s a burger I don’t see myself eating on a daily basis, unless I’m trying to win the role of that fat fuck Sir John Falstaff in the community Shakespeare theater production of Henry IV.

The Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger is a little pricey and isn’t available throughout the country, so there probably won’t be a pineapple shortage anytime soon. However, if SpongeBob does end up at my apartment and irritates me, I’m definitely going to use his absorbent, yellow, porous ass to clean my kitchen counter with lots of elbow grease and Ajax.

(Editor’s Note: Phoood also enjoyed it. Read their review here.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger
Price: $6.29 (regular-sized meal)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good burger. Pineapple and teriyaki sauce make a good sweet and salty combination. Lots of protein. Creative idea.
Cons: Small pineapple slice. Pricey, but isn’t everything from Carl’s Jr. Messy to eat. Lots of sodium. Lots of things that will make you fat. Living with SpongeBob SquarePants. Not available at sister company Hardee’s. Visits from your extremely racist grandma. SquareThong.