Throughout the course of human history, it becomes necessary, at certain times when the illusion of progress has been reached, to stretch culinary creativity even further.

Especially in fast food lest we become too far accustomed to dry hamburger patties on stale sesame seed buns or rubbery egg byproducts adorned with nothing more than cold, unmelted processed “cheese.”

In 2009, it was the Double Down. More recently, it was the fusing of chip and taco for Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos. Shocking, innovative, delicious, and perhaps even life threatening in copious amounts? No doubt. But completely freaking worth it.

But has such innovation been available before 10:30 AM?

No.

So with an eye towards pushing the envelope of acceptable gluttony at the breakfast table even beyond the realms of Fruity Pebbles consumed with half-and-half while sitting naked in front of reruns of Looney Tunes*, Dunkin’ Donuts has unveiled the Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich.

To be honest, I wasn’t surprised when I heard about it. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to try the sandwich, but not in the OMG shock-and-awe kind of excitement that resonates in middle school text message conversations. Personally, I’ve been eating salty and meaty things on donuts for years.

What with the proximity of Burger King and Krispy Kreme in Salt Lake City Airport’s Terminal B, it was inevitable during my money-strapped and homesick college days that those two worlds would collide in a surprisingly tasty combination. And given the burgeoning popularity of any number of Luther Burger designs, I know I’m not the only one who has been waiting for the mainstream acceptance of using a donut as a bun.

Boasting a pepper-fried egg and cherrywood-smoked bacon, the sandwich comes out just like any of Dunkin’s other toasted sandwiches — an employee zaps the egg and bacon in a microwave/toaster oven/silver box I presume cooks (or at the very least warms) the food, and then the contents are assembled on the bread of choice. I didn’t ask if I could get the sandwich with another type of donut, but the Original Glazed is a no brainer.

However, Dunkin’s Glazed Donut has its flaws. Namely, it’s a bit on the petite side, and doesn’t have the kind of homemade rise that really, really good donuts have. But it’s still light and airy with that sweetly rich taste of fried dough that makes eating a donut much more pleasant than eating…Well, celery or some crap like that.

I especially liked how the flavors of the fried egg and bacon, oozing their own buttery and pork fat juices, respectively, seeped inside of the donut. It’s like someone decided to put sweet cream butter on a donut. Why has no one thought to do that before?

Anyways, the glaze, while slightly chipped in places and not boasting 100 percent topside coverage, had been warmed in the radiant heat of the wrapper, resurrecting it to a fresh baked, slightly gooey, and stick-to-your-fingers texture that will leave you licking your lips hours after finishing.

As for the pepper fried egg and cherrywood bacon, both were good, but not that good. The egg had a decent flavor with some saltiness and butteriness. It didn’t, however, have a crisp fried egg texture. And the only thing the black pepper specks added to the party was a hint of disjointedness with the donut’s sweetness.

The bacon was good, but limp. They were the standard fast food precooked strips that (ironically) many fast food restaurants are moving away from these days. Lacking crunch or a pronounced smoke flavor, I didn’t pick up on the cherrywood and missed what could have been a real textural contrast with the donut. Worse yet, I even managed to pick up a slightly burnt taste on the edges of one the stripes.

However, despite the bacon’s faults and it being cliché to say sandwiches scream for more bacon when all other attempts at improvement fail, this donut sandwich needs more damn bacon!

I also have to admit the sandwich is already a bit awkward to eat given its construction. Wrapped tightly in paper, the donut itself is compressed and somewhat steamed by the warm contents of the egg and bacon. That combination causes the donut’s underside to break down like a helpless burger bun battling against too much fat and moisture from a seeping patty.

Thusly, attempting to pick it up and eat it like an actual sandwich is a recipe for getting donut goo on yourself. I don’t mind so much because I think donut goo could make an attractive moisturizer or cologne.

Dunkin’ Donut’s new Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich is innovative, but messy. It’s good, but not great. It’s well thought out, but not executed well. In short, it’s not all that it could be, and not all that fast food junkies demand it should be. Still, for those spurred on by a bit of impulse and a hankering to try something new for their morning (or afternoon) routine, it’s an enjoyable bite of sweet and salty.

*Hypothetically speaking, of course.

(Nutrition Facts – 360 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 720 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Other Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade
Junk Food Guy

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Another affirmation of team sweet ‘n salty in the fast food world. Glazed donut gets resurrected in an gooey way. Egg patty has surprisingly good flavor. Tastes like a buttered glazed donut. Less calories than Dunkin’s “healthy” Turkey Sausage Sandwich.
Cons: Doesn’t go big or bold enough. Bacon lacks crunch or cherry smoke flavor. Pepper fried egg is not actually fried in butter, but instead infused with “Natural Sautéed Flavor.” Messy. Awkward to eat. Doesn’t feel quite worth its price tag.

Anyone think today’s habanero is yesterday’s jalapeño?

Let me explain. Remember back when people started to accept spicy food as the norm instead of food you dared other men to eat to prove who had the bigger wang?

That’s when manufacturers started to use jalapeño on everything as a spicy alternative instead of just “bbq hot.” Compulsive in our nature, we just kept wanting more and more. As hot and spicy began to register on palettes, we wanted something higher on the arbitrary Scoville scale. “Give us more heat,” we cried.

I guess it’s comforting the habanero pepper is becoming ubiquitous. It demonstrates how as a society we’ve become accepting of heat. However, the savvy are looking for the next thrill (I see you becoming yesterday’s news soon, ghost peppers). And you know… part of me is sad because the mystique, if there was one, is eroding. I can’t think of a better example than Sriracha. Now, even talentless hacks at restaurants use it, and incorrectly a great deal of the time.

When you ask someone what a jalapeño taste likes, you’re more likely to get a response describing those cheap pickled jalapeños since most fast food/bad Tex-Mex places will use them. I don’t really want that for the habanero I love.

Yet, if others follow McDonald’s suit, I have nothing to worry about. In the spirit (or curse) of competition, all the fast food chains are going through something of a renaissance. McDonald’s is not immune to change and facing another shaky quarter, it’s probably in their best interest to do something to turn around the profits.

In response, McDonald’s recently introduced the new Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder. Oh yes, the habanero’s presence is felt, unlike the actress who plays Melisandre from Game of Thrones. Harsh as it is, I’ve seen discarded toenails that express emotion better than her.

Anyhow, the habanero is the star (and rightfully so) in this sandwich. I’m partial to Quarter Pounders over Big Macs because I do love that “meaty” taste and heft of a Quarter Pounder. Plus, I find that some places put too much Big Mac special sauce and my face ends up looking like someone forgot to tell me they were going to “release.”

This variant is made with white cheddar, thick (and it is thick) Applewood-smoked bacon, tomato, lettuce, and a habanero ranch sauce encased in a “bakery-style” bun. I wish it came with the American cheese because the white cheddar was kind of tasteless. What was not tasteless was the orange-colored habanero-ranch sauce.

On the first bite, that beefy taste and crispy slabs of bacon complimented the cold crunchy lettuce and surprisingly thick slice of tomato. The bacon deserves a special mention; it truly was thick and tasted of a bacon slice fresh out of a hot pan, incredible! Again, the cheese was like a wallflower at a party or the stupid black olive on top of a deviled egg, pointless and forgettable. The smokiness of that beef melded well with the salty bacon and of course, there was that tang from the habanero ranch sauce that held the sandwich together.

However, the payoff wasn’t how good the burger first tasted, it’s what came after.

I love habanero. It’s like the quiet friend we all have that has a really dry sense of humor and when they eventually say something, it’s a gem. The habanero’s heat has that pulsating ache that lingers on your tongue. I couldn’t believe it; McDonald’s captured the essence of a habanero.

The habanero ranch sauce itself at first tasted of a roasted pepper that was slightly sweet and playfully bitter. Then there was a hint of that milky ranch until the prevalent heat crashed in Kool-Aid man-style and instead of shouting “Oh Yeahhhh!”, it screamed something unintelligible and then smashed itself into pieces as the kids lapped up the pools of artificial sweetener.

Impressive of all, the heat didn’t invade and takeover the taste with each bite even though the spiciness grew exponentially in my mouth. This was a well thought-out burger, except for the cheese. It was so good, it had me wanting another.

I guess the only other critique is the bun, I love that non-fancy iconic McDonald’s bun and this “bakery-style” bun felt wrong. It tasted fine, but I hated it for some reason. Although, it’s a minor quibble.

Now please don’t believe that you will be wiping beads of sweat from your forehead or that your tongue will be crying for a milkshake to relieve the pain as you sniff the snot from your running nose. This is McDonald’s after all and not some Szechuan house that Adam Richman would visit to eat the hottest and largest dreck it offers. However, the level of heat coming from this fast food burger is impressive and it is totally discernible that you are eating a habanero and not some diluted “peppery” blend.

I’m enjoying the many menu-shifts and risks these chains are taking. I know it won’t last forever so we should enjoy it for as long as we can or at least until our arteries can hold out.

(Nutrition Facts – 610 calories, 31 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1180 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 37 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The habanero’s heat is just spectacular. The smokiness of the beef, the crisp and fatty saltiness of the bacon and the roasted flavor of the habanero ranch sauce. The renaissance of fast food menu items circa 2012-2013. The roasted taste of the habanero combined with the milky ranch. Quarter Pounders rule.
Cons: The white cheddar cheese did absolutely nothing for the burger. That stupid actress that plays the fire priestess in Game of Thrones. Bakery-fresh-style-bun-stinks. The whoring out of Sriracha sauce. Discarded toenails…yuck.

“That’s it?”

“Yea. That’s it.”

Such completed my transaction of the new Frosty Waffle Cone. Anticlimactic, brief, and disheartening, the short exchange with the Wendy’s guy as I looked upon this innovation of fast food desserts — this long-hoped for, anxiously awaited breakthrough in hot-as-balls spring day relief — was matched only in brevity by the experience of eating the dissolving agglomeration of chocolate, cream, and God knows what else.

Yes, like Frosty the Snowman in the Greenhouse, the new Frosty Waffle Cones don’t last long. But unlike Frosty resurrected by the magic of Christmas, a melted Waffle Cone doesn’t freeze back up into a sweet confection.

You’ll have to excuse my somber tone. I do take my frozen desserts rather seriously, especially when it comes to the frozen dairy in a cone department. Having once perfected the seven loops of a Rita’s Large Frozen Custard Waffle Cone during a summer job, I feel a certain affinity towards sweet and creamy chocolate served with a crispy handle. Combine this affinity with a lifelong fixation upon the chemical properties of the not-quite-milkshake Frosty, and the revelation that the iconic frozen treat was getting the Waffle Cone treatment should have had every capacity to complete my life.

Yes, my life.

So you’ll imagine my dumfounded indignation upon seeing the liquidy puddle of chocolate Frosty barely reaching out of the Waffle Cone. While I pride myself in having advanced my use of imagery as a writer since my kindergarten days, the cone did, in fact, bare a strikingly resemblance to a diarrhea laden dump.

Clearly, there is no truth in advertising anymore, and while I’d love to say that I was able to overcome this construction shortcoming, the fact is that I wasn’t four or five steps out the door before the Frosty concoction began to melt. Instead of licking the Frosty as you’d lick the soft serve ice cream in a traditional cone, you’re really forced to slurp the Frosty more than anything else. It’s a completely acceptable means of ingestion when you’ve got the benefit of a cup and a straw, but as the puddle of Frosty spills out onto your hands from the cone, you might find yourself wishing you had brought a bib.

The taste of the Frosty isn’t bad. Obviously it tastes like a Chocolate Frosty, what with its sweet and not too intense cocoa flavor, but it strikes me as not having the standard consistency of the Frosty. It’s as if the particles of cream and sugar and mono and diglycerides are in active rebellion, and by melting so quickly proclaim a chorus of ‘hey, what the hell is this cone thing we’re floating in?’

As for that cone thing, take it from a seasoned waffle cone aficionado. There’s something off about it. A good waffle cone is malty with a slight give. You should be able to taste a batter component in there beneath that first crunch, and it should be sturdy enough to provide a thick crunch. This cone was more crispy than anything, with a bland sweetness that came off as cheap.

If you’re looking to suffer disillusionment in the arms of a fast food classic, or perhaps if you just want to get sticky stains on your steering wheel and endanger the lives of motorists after a cruise through the drive-through, then yes, I highly recommend Wendy’s new Frosty Cone. However, the next time I wish to beat the heat on a hot day, I think I’ll just stick to the traditional Frosty in a cup. It’s classic and delicious, and what’s more, its construction doesn’t remind me on diarrhea.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Chocolate Frosty Waffle Cone – 300 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, and 20% calcium.)

Item: Wendy’s Original Chocolate Frosty Waffle Cone
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: 1 cone (feels smaller than a Value Frosty)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Original Chocolate Frosty is still sweet and chocolatey. Cone is crispy and not stale. Not as bad for you as regular ice cream.
Cons: Looks like the Frosty machine took a dump in a Waffle Cone. Melts immediately. As in, before-you-can-pay-immediately. Cone lacks substantial crunch or malted flavor. Slurping up Frosty doesn’t give you time to enjoy the simple pleasures. Small. Inconsistent Wendy’s value menu pricing.

It was a late night at the office. Outside my window, the occasional crack of thunder broke through the sound of unrelenting rain. I sat at my desk, furiously tapping away at the typewriter, working on reviews of the latest food items to hit the streets. Suddenly, the phone rang.

It was a stranger. He spoke low, almost whispering, his voice shrouded in mystery.

Me: Hello?

Stranger: Is this a secure line?

Me: Yes.

There was a pause.

Stranger: I heard you’ve been having cravings…for the McRib.

Ah, the McRib. That elusive barbecue pork sandwich sold only periodically by McDonald’s restaurants. Unfortunately, McRib season had recently ended, and my stomach growled with a hunger that could only be sated by one special sandwich.

Me: Keep your voice down! McRib season is over. There’s nothing for me to do.

Stranger: I’ve got something you should see. Meet me in the alleyway on Fourth and Main. No cops.

The stranger hung up the phone. I put out my cigarette and grabbed my trench coat and fedora. No good detective – I mean, food writer – leaves without his fedora.

I thought about the call. Could this shady stranger possibly be a McRib dealer, peddling pork sandwiches as addictive as crack cocaine? Or might his product be a cheap, low-grade imitation? There was only one way to find out.

I waited in the alleyway for the stranger. Just as I began growing impatient, I saw him appear, his identity masked by the shadows. He handed me an unmarked white bag.

Stranger: It’s not a McRib, but try it. You won’t be disappointed.

Suddenly, the stranger ran off. In the poorly lit alleyway, I had difficulty seeing what he looked like, but as he fled, I noticed the faint outline of a crown upon his head.

Ah, The Burger King. We meet again.

Back at my office, I opened the bag and found the new BK Rib Sandwich, a barbecue pork sandwich available for a limited time on Burger King’s new summer menu.

I must admit, I had high expectations. Could the new BK Rib Sandwich possibly compete with my beloved McRib? Wide-eyed with anticipation, I unwrapped my sandwich…

The first thing I noticed about the BK Rib Sandwich was its appearance. Unlike the McRib, which has a wider-shaped roll, the BK Rib Sandwich is served on a standard hamburger bun. Upon removing the top, we find pickles and a rather square-shaped pork patty, complete with appetizing grill marks. Though the sandwich seems a little flatter than the McRib, the pork on the BK Rib Sandwich just looks better than the pork slab found on the McRib.

But enough about the looks. Taste will be the determining factor for this sandwich.

Biting into the BK Rib Sandwich, I instantly noticed the pork flavor: it has a much more vibrant smokiness compared to the McRib. As a result, it feels more like I’m eating authentic pork and less like I’m eating a processed pork product. Furthermore, the barbecue sauce is truly enjoyable. Though the sauce might not be as noticeably tangy as the McRib sauce, it is sweet nonetheless, and even has a pleasant spiciness which I was not expecting. After a few bites, I noticed the heat of the burger. The burn is not overwhelming, though; the sauce of the BK Rib Sandwich has the perfect amount of kick to complement its sweetness.

Sadly, I feel that the pickles found on my sandwich took the back seat to the rib flavor. The sweetness of the pickles was often masked by the flavor of the barbecue sauce and pork. This was a little unexpected, as the pork patty wasn’t completely slathered in sauce. In addition, the sandwich completely lacked onions, which happen to be my favorite part of the McRib. Onions would have been a definite improvement for the BK Rib Sandwich.

So how does the BK Rib Sandwich fare against the McRib? Well, that’s a tough question. Both sandwiches have their strengths. I love what the onions and pickles do for the McRib, but the lack of onions and the masked pickle taste are definite drawbacks. However, I prefer the barbecue sauce on the BK Rib Sandwich due to its combination of sweetness and spiciness.

Overall, the BK Rib Sandwich was delicious, and I hope it will be seen as more than just a substitution for the McRib. Will I ever eat another McRib? Yes, it’s inevitable. It’s a classic! And I truly hope that the sandwich returns with Burger King’s summer menu next year.

(Nutrition Facts – 560 calories, 31 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1530 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein.)

Other BK Rib Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Rib Sandwich
Purchased Price: $5.25
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Spicy barbecue sauce. Smoky pork flavor. Grill marks. Meeting strangers in alleyways.
Cons: Pickle flavor is masked. No onions!

Jack in the Box’s menu board has seen a number of deep fried finger food on it. Oh, let me count the salty, greasy ways. Stuffed jalapeños, mozzarella cheese sticks, chicken nuggets, egg rolls, chicken strips, onion rings, corn dogs, and now we can add their new Pizza Bites.

Yes, Jack in the Box is now offering something you might find being served as an appetizer at the birthday party of an 8-year-old. And, yes, it does seems like the fast food chain is heavily influenced by the finger food section in the frozen food aisle, and I look forward to Jack in the Box’s version of taquitos and Smucker’s Uncrustables.

Jack in the Box’s Pizza Bites are stuffed with the following stalwarts of pizza: pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, oven-dried tomatoes, garlic, and herbs. The exterior is called “pizza dough” on the fast food chain’s website, but it looks like the coating found on other deep fried finger foods. They come in either three or six pieces and are accompanied with a container (or containers if your get the six-piece offering) of Jack’s Buttermilk House Sauce. According to the press release, they were supposed to come with marinara sauce, but I didn’t receive any.

Their almost equilateral triangular-shape makes them easy to dip and, if you don’t have piece of paper around because you’re trying to live a “paperless” lifestyle, a decent replacement for a paper football. It will also make a game of paper football much more interesting if the loser has to eat the football, which will have landed on the ground enough times to collect hair, dirt, and possibly disease.

The first time I tried the Pizza Bites they looked a little burnt, as if they were toasted over a campfire, but the innards were perfectly gooey. I decided to give them another try from another location and got pieces that were as golden brown as the skin of a 20-something sunbather. However, while they looked good, the innards appeared dried up like the skin of 60-year-old lifelong sunbather.

During both tastings, I found the breaded dough to be thick and slightly chewy with a strong crunch. I also thought the exterior did a wonderful job of muting the flavors of the cheese, pepperoni chunks, and oven-dried tomatoes. It’s a little strange there wasn’t some kind of sauce within the confines of the Pizza Bites, which could’ve made a difference. Heck, the marinara sauce probably would’ve helped. Since the Pizza Bites weren’t bursting with pizza flavor, but bursting with crust flavor, I was glad it came with the supplied Buttermilk House Sauce.

To be honest, even if I got perfectly prepared Jack in the Box Pizza Bites, I’d bet they’d have an unsatisfying pizza flavor that would make me yearn for a regular pizza…or crash an 8-year-old’s birthday party to get some appetizers.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 pieces – 500 calories, 189 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 43 milligrams of cholesterol, 1969 milligrams of sodium, 413 milligrams of potassium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Pizza Bites reviews:
Brand Eating
The Food Chain Review

Item: Jack in the Box Pizza Bites
Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: 6 pieces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: More deep fried finger food at Jack in the Box. Crunchy crust. Makes a good ball replacement for paper football. Lots of cheese. Buttermilk House Sauce makes them decent, but it really should taste like pizza.
Cons: Breaded crust mutes other flavors. Cooking inconsistencies. No sauce inside the Pizza Bites. Deep fried finger food at Jack in the Box seems tame compared with deep fried finger food at county fairs. Do not eat the six piece one by yourself; share it with someone. Losing paper football and eating the Pizza Bites that’s fallen to the ground too many times.

If fast food is about convenience, then why is it that I have to add my own blueberries and crumble topping to Jack in the Box’s Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal?

When I peel back the lid of a McDonald’s Fruit and Maple Oatmeal, everything is swimming together — the apples, raisins, and oatmeal. The only thing I have to shove into the bowl is a spoon. But with Jack in the Box’s Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal it’s like here’s the church and here’s the steeple, open the doors, and see all the people still outside even though it’s 9:05 and service started at 9:00.

Yes, tearing open two packets and dumping their contents into a cup of hot oats is unbelievably simple, but if it’s so unbelievably simple, then why can’t the employees at Jack in the Box do it for me?

Having to combine the ingredients to make Jack in the Box’s Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal bothers me so much that as I tore open the packets and dumped their contents into the bowl with the hot oats I said horrible things about the size of Jack’s head. But when I started stirring everything and the wonderful aroma of blueberry muffins began swirling around my head, I quickly forgot about whatever was bothering me.

But then I took a long hard look at the oatmeal below me and got a little bothered again.

Next to a McDonald’s Fruit and Maple Oatmeal, everything about the Jack in the Box Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal looks small. The McDonald’s offering has nice chunks of fresh-ish apples, plump raisins, and decent-sized oats. But the Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal doesn’t have fresh-ish blueberries or even plump dried blueberries, instead there are small dried blueberries, small dried Zante currants, and tiny oats. Even the serving size looks smaller.

However, what the oatmeal lacks in size, it makes up for in flavor and after the first bite I forgot what was bothering me.

The oatmeal does taste like a blueberry muffin and I can only assume they were able to accomplish that by using fast food black magic. There’s easily enough dried blueberries and crumble topping to make sure your taste buds never come close to experiencing the blandness of unflavored oatmeal as you make your way through the container. My oatmeal had a thick consistency, but that’s only after I let it sit for about 10 minutes while taking pictures. The crumble topping doesn’t provide any crunch and the dried blueberries are only slightly chewy. But who cares because this oatmeal is kind of awesome.

Overall, it’s nice to see Jack in the Box’s Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal as a breakfast option among the sea of pork and egg breakfast sandwiches. There are times when I want to eat those greasy breakfast sandwiches, but when I don’t, I’m glad there’s something healthier I can choose.

(Nutrition Facts – 249 calories, 36 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 134 milligrams of sodium, 149 milligrams of potassium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food

Item: Jack in the Box Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal
Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Smells and tastes like a blueberry muffin. Lots of dried blueberries and crumble topping. Available all day. Healthier than a Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich. Decent source of dietary fiber.
Cons: Have to add dried blueberries and crumble topping myself. Serving size looks small. Dried blueberries were small. Oats were small.

There are a lot of overused terms in the food world. If buzz words, like “sustainable” or “artisan,” are moderately annoying when eating at restaurants which actually offer those things, then hearing them applied in a fast food setting borders on ridiculous.

I mean great, McDonald’s, I really appreciate the curiously addictive taste of the Filet-o-Fish, but who among us is really eating a square fish stick sandwich with a half slice of processed cheese product because we care about the feelings of Peter the Pollack?

Another term that gets thrown around too much is “House Made.” Take Arby’s new House Made Kettle Chips. Yes, I know the phrase designates a food made at the restaurant, but what the heck is that supposed to mean in Arby’s case? Does that mean some pimply faced high school kid who works at my local Arby’s is sitting out back with a potato peeler, a mandoline and a bag of fresh Idaho spuds, tossing potato slices into a kettle of hot oil that’s being manned by her or his grandmother?

Try as I might, I just couldn’t help but laugh at the idea and be skeptical. I’ve eaten a lot of chips in my life, some even in the thick-cut restaurant style Arby’s is touting, but not once do I ever remember any of those experiences involving a drive-through window or a $1.79 price tag.

A buck seventy-nine and a stop to chow down in the privacy of my own car later, and I have to say I’m not just pleasantly surprised, I’m stunned. Arby’s new chips don’t just win in the looks department, they also have a flavor and texture that makes me wonder why every fast food restaurant hasn’t considered potato chips. The crunch is far beyond anything you’ll get in a bag from the store, and that’s a good thing. Thick, hearty, and completely capable of breaking up an awkward silence, it’s the kind of crunch that no other fast food side can compete with.

Liberally coated in Arby’s “signature” seasoning, each taste has a wonderfully lickable tomato sweetness that’s also zesty. Yes, zesty. Not quite heat-packing, but more than just garlicky or onion-powdery, it’s the kind of sensation which would leave you in a ponderous state of “hmmm, what was that?” if it wasn’t for the unconquerable urge to quickly devour the next chip. The great thing about the chips though is that the seasoning powder eventually fades to the signature earthy meatiness of the potato.

If you’re anything like me, you often find yourself rushing through fries, but there’s something about these chips which almost forces you to chew and savor the potato flavor. At the risk of sounding hyperbolic, it’s the kind of taste and texture that seriously makes a guy or gal consider packing up the U-Haul and moving to Idaho.

Aside from going well with ketchup and not losing any textural integrity even when slathered with the scientific glory of Heinz, the chips also remain remarkably crunchy even hours after I bought them at my local Arby’s. In fact, nearly four hours after munching down on half the bag, I finished off the chips without noticing any diminished crunch or flavor.

While they lost some of their surface oil, they were no less addictive or finger licking. Considering how much I love the taste of fried potatoes, but get frustrated by cold and soggy fries that I don’t eat in the restaurant immediately, I found the chips to be the perfect answer to one of fast food’s most enduring dilemmas.

My complaints are minor. Seasoning itself is a bit salty and licking the seasoning ad nauseam can make the chips somewhat soggy. The chips should also lose points for coming in a single flavor, and not a various flavors like with store-bought chips. But like I said the complaints are minor, and given Arby’s reputation for offering a buttload of sauces – including the seriously underrated three-pepper sauce – even those who aren’t crazy about the standard seasoning can customize the flavor of the chips to some degree.

I have no idea how “house made” Arby’s House Made chips are, but after trying them out I’m hooked. They’ve got all the taste and addictiveness of Arby’s Curly Fry seasoning, yet none of the uneven cooking and inconsistent texture. Likewise, they pack a potato taste that would rival any actual house made potato chip from a sit-down restaurant, and have a crunch level beyond any store-bought chip I’ve ever eaten. Gimmicky name or not, this is one side item that deserves more than a roll of the eyes when it comes to its namesake, and it’s worth the extra charge to add it to any combo meal.

(Nutrition Facts – 450 calories, 27 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 530 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 1 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.)

Other Arby’s House Made Kettle Chips reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: Arby’s House Made Kettle Chips
Purchased Price: $1.79
Size: 3 oz.
Purchased at: Arby’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Amazing level of crunch beyond any store-bought chip. Really does taste ‘house-made’ from an upscale restaurant. Addictive and finger-licking seasoning without the textural inconsistency of curly fries. Just the right amount of surface oil. Kettle-blistered mouthfeel. Goes awesome with ketchup. Relatively inexpensive.
Cons: Awesome source of fat. Doesn’t come in multiple flavors, like Black Pepper or Sour Cream and Onion. Chips get soggy if you’re determined to lick the seasoning completely clean before crunching down.

If you’ve watched more than 10 minutes of live television in the last few weeks, you’ve almost certainly seen the ubiquitous commercials for the new Wendy’s Flatbread sandwiches. And if you’ve already seen the commercials, then you invariably have two questions. These are the two answers:

1) Yes, the sandwiches are actually quite good.
2) The redhead’s name is Morgan Smith Goodwin.

If you want to learn more about 2), you’ll have to go down that internet wormhole for yourself. I do, however, have plenty more information on 1).

Let’s start with the Smoky Honey Mustard Flatbread. The simpler of the two sandwiches, it’s got grilled chicken, mixed greens, two slices of tomatoes, and a whole lot of honey mustard inside the flatbread. The flatbread itself really is the star of the show here – with various grains and seeds offering some crunch to complement the otherwise thick and chewy bread, it’s tasty and filling and just feels healthier than everything else on the menu.

The greens are also useful in that regard, with leafier and presumably more nutritious varieties than plain old iceberg lettuce. All good news if maybe you’re getting a late jump on your spring diet, and maybe your friend is throwing a too-early-in-the-season-and-no-one’s-swimsuit-ready party in the Hamptons soon, and maybe your mother recently told you your pants look tight from the extra pounds in your butt. These are all complete hypotheticals, so you definitely didn’t hurt my feelings, Mom.

The nomenclature of these new products is weird but appropriate; perhaps the flatbread comes before the grilled chicken because there’s so much more of the former than the latter. The chicken was juicy and well-seasoned and generally very tasty, but there just wasn’t enough of it. Each flatbread contained what looked to be half a grilled chicken fillet sliced into four or five strips, which couldn’t cover the entirety of the sandwich.

I took several bites that consisted of only bread and honey mustard, particularly around the hinge of the flatbread. And speaking of the honey mustard, I couldn’t detect any smokiness at all. It wouldn’t surprise me if it was the exact same honey mustard as the dipping sauce for the chicken nuggets. I guess “smoky mustard” is one of those phrases that gets thrown around but actually means nothing, like “elegant wine” or “corporate values” or “do you know who I am? I’m Reese Witherspoon!”

The Asiago Ranch Flatbread Grilled Chicken Sandwich has a couple more ingredients than the Smoky Honey Mustard, with three strips of bacon, asiago cheese, and ranch dressing instead of honey mustard. As you might expect, this sandwich had a much stronger taste.

The excellent-as-usual Wendy’s bacon added texture and flavor, while the cheese and ranch dressing made for a very rich combination. Again, I thought there was too little chicken. Also, the extra toppings here made for a much messier eating experience, which should be an extra consideration if your spring diet is a subset to the overall life goal of being less of a slob.

I liked both of the new Wendy’s Flatbread Grilled Chicken sandwiches, and each of them would make for a decent-sized meal on its own (I bought them at the same time but saved half of each for lunch the next day). If I had to choose just one, I would probably go with the Smoky Honey Mustard Flatbread – it’s cheaper ($3.59 vs. $4.19) and has fewer calories (370 vs. 530), and its milder flavors suited my taste buds better than the richness of the Asiago Ranch. I’d recommend you go try either one for yourself. If nothing else, Wendy’s franchises seem to have lots of Morgan Smith Goodwin cardboard cutouts these days.

(Nutrition Facts – Smoky Honey Mustard – 370 calories, 150 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 550 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein. Asiago Ranch – 530 calories, 270 calories from fat, 30 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 30 grams of protein.)

Other Wendy’s Smoky Honey Mustard Flatbread & Asiago Ranch Flatbread reviews:
Grub Grade
Foodette Reviews
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food

Item: Wendy’s Flatbread Grilled Chicken Sandwich (Smoky Honey Mustard & Asiago Ranch)
Purchased Price: $3.59 (Smoky Honey Mustard)
Purchased Price: $4.19 (Asiago Ranch)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Smoky Honey Mustard)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Asiago Ranch)
Pros: Flatbread is thick and chewy. Grains and seeds make it feel healthier. Chicken is juicy and well-seasoned. Greens are leafier than regular iceberg lettuce. Wendy’s bacon is always excellent. Both sandwiches have relatively few calories. Morgan Smith Goodwin is an Alyson Hannigan lookalike. Celebrity DUI jokes.
Cons: Not enough chicken. Honey mustard wasn’t smoky at all. Asiago Ranch was a little too rich for me. Asiago Ranch was very messy to eat. Spring dieting. Yes, fine, I didn’t wait for lunch to finish the sandwiches. Please don’t steal any Morgan Smith Goodwin cutouts.

When I saw the marketing photos of McDonald’s new Egg White Delight, I thought it looked as if someone took a photo of a regular McDonald’s Egg McMuffin and then added a sepia tone or an Instagram photo filter to it. Thanks to its egg whites, white cheddar cheese, and Canadian bacon on a whole grain English muffin, the breakfast sandwich doesn’t have much color.

The Egg McMuffin is the healthiest McDonald’s breakfast sandwich. Well, WAS the healthiest because the Egg White Delight is being marketed as a healthier-for-you Egg McMuffin. A regular Egg McMuffin has 300 calories 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 260 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of fiber, and 18 grams of protein. An Egg White Delight has 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of fiber, and 18 grams of protein.

Hmm, 40 percent less fat, 90 percent less cholesterol, and 50 fewer calories? Sounds like it’s going to be 40 percent less fun, 90 percent less contentment, and 50 fewer satisfying chews. But, surprisingly, the Egg White Delight was kind of nice.

There’s a noticeable flavor difference between the two breakfast sandwiches. With the Egg McMuffin, the egg and cheese stand out more, but with the Egg White Delight, I thought the Canadian bacon and cheese were front and center. The egg whites do have a little flavor, but they mostly freak me out because they look like a pale lettuce leaf that was peeled from the inner most layers of a lettuce head.

I’m glad the Canadian bacon’s flavor shines through in the Egg White Delight because in the Egg McMuffin the Canadian bacon is being…well, Canadian. It’s being nice and letting the egg and cheese be at the forefront. The lean meat’s saltiness does well with the saltiness and flavor of the white cheddar. As for the English muffin, just like most Egg McMuffins I’ve had, it has crispy edges and does a wonderful job with containing the sandwich, making sure nothing falls out.

The white cheddar, which was also used on McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger, has a slightly better flavor than the orange American cheese. Or my taste buds feel that way because they’re tired of eating the orange stuff with Big Macs and McDoubles and are happy about the change. While the white cheddar is slightly better tasting, it doesn’t melt as well as the American cheese slices. Any part of the cheese that was caressed by the warmth of the toasted English muffin, egg whites, and Canadian bacon was somewhat melted. But any part of the cheese that stuck out of the sandwich was hard.

I’m surprised by how much I enjoyed the McDonald’s Egg White Delight because I thought it was going to taste as awful as their McLean Deluxe. But then again, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised because I’m used to eating egg whites and egg substitutes. So I guess all I have to say is:

Gonna buy that baby, gonna take a bite,
gonna grab some Egg White Delight.
My motto’s always been; if it’s lite, it might be all right.
Why eat something that could make your pants tight.
When you may chew on something healthier to start your day.
And they help compensate for the hash browns anyway.

10:30 AM isn’t in sight. Egg White Delight. Egg White Delight.

(Nutrition Facts – 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 5 grams of fiber, 18 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 25% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Other McDonald’s Egg White Delight reviews:
Grub Grade
Fast Food Geek
Food Chain Review

Item: McDonald’s Egg White Delight McMuffin
Purchased Price: $3.89 (The price is higher than you’ll probably pay because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Canadian bacon and cheese stand out. As good as an Egg McMuffin. It’s healthier than an Egg McMuffin. Toasted English muffin with slightly crispy edges. Afternoon Delight.
Cons: Cheese doesn’t melt very well. Doesn’t have much color; looks like someone put an Instagram filter on it. Egg looks like pale lettuce. McLean Deluxe.

I’ve developed a few personal rules about breakfast:

Don’t mix orange juice with coffee.

Don’t put grapefruit in the omelette.

Don’t put broccoli in the chocolate ice cream.

If you want a donut, get one.

The last of these, while the seemingly simplest of the bunch, is not always easy. When the craving for a rotund chunk of fried dough strikes, there’s no stopping it, but, in a city where the only fresh-made Krispy Kreme is in an underground cement “garden” and the price of artisan donuts could empty the bank, it’s easy to find yourself stranded in lower Manhattan without a reasonably priced fried dough option in sight…but what’s this?! Burger King offering me instant puffs of fried dough?

It proposed such unknown…and yet such happiness. And are we to deny ourselves potential happiness for fear of the unknown? Nay, dear readers! We are not chicken-bellied fools! We boldly go forth and pursue happiness!

It may be a Whopper box, but you can’t fool me!

You donuts and your secret identities.

I take a bite and, ahhh, yes, warm donut holes. Or rather, doughy, cube-like shapes. Nothing scary at all. At the same time, nothing too spectacular. On first bite, the dough is warm and a bit chewy, the glaze sticky and sugary. This is a yeast dough, to be sure, somewhat reminiscent of the cross between a grocery store donut and a brioche roll.

However, this joyous experience is time-sensitive. Give these suckers two minutes and the dough takes on taste and texture of a frozen Pillsbury dinner roll that’s been put in the microwave a few seconds. The eating process gets to be a bit of a calisthenic session for the jaw.

The glaze was simple enough, tasting mostly of sugar, sugar, and sugar, a one-note satisfaction to which I’m especially keen on, although I wouldn’t have argued if a little vanilla or cinnamon showed up in there. Both in the warm and cool phases, the glaze remained sticky. I was hoping this sugary patina may dry and crackle along the edges like a Krispy Kreme, but it remained shiny and thin as the wax on a 1957 Ferrari Testa Rossa at a car show.

One of the more frustrating qualities of fast food restaurants is the 10:30 breakfast shutdown. Oh, the days that have passed where my 4:30 p.m. sausage biscuit craving is left unfulfilled! Luckily, BK put these donut holes on their all-day menu, so, if the craving hits, you can trust BK will be there with your yeast rolls and sugar.

But, overall, I don’t think I’m up to buying these again. Maybe it was the weather or the lunch rush, but the dry dough and thin glaze didn’t fill the empty donut pocket in my soul. If you really, really need a glazed fix or enjoy microwaved dough, these are an acceptable stand-in, but I would recommend the grocery store Krispy Kreme first.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 donut holes – 280 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Donut Holes reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food
Serious Eats

Item: Burger King Donut Holes
Purchased Price: $1.40
Size: 5 donut holes
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Available any time of day. Sweet glaze. A good idea. Nice portion.
Cons: Dry. Tastes of microwaved dinner roll. Tough to chew. Weak glaze. Grapefruit in an omelette. Low Krispy Kremes population in Manhattan

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always struggled with walking into Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s not that I’m drunk and end up stumbling into glass doors or anything like that, but rather, it’s the unfortunate predisposition I have to being both very, very indecisive, as well as having insatiable cravings for the kinds of things that keep dentists working overtime and that old guy on a horse talking about diabetes.

Never mind the fact that Dunkin’ Donuts presents me with a sugary catalogue filled with fried dough in all shapes and sizes, but I oftentimes find myself in a Dunkin’ that shares their space with the 31 flavors of Baskin-Robbins.

What starts out as a late afternoon coffee pick-me-up can easily turn into three scoops of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, followed by the inevitable and actual physical struggle of walking out of Dunkin’ Donuts thanks to a sugar high not seen since that fat kid in Matilda ate that whole chocolate cake.

The way I see it, the new Baskin-Robbins-inspired iced coffee flavors from Dunkin’ are, or at least should be, the ideal way to kill two birds with one stone and get both my coffee kick and ice cream sugar fix (as for working donut ingestion into that mix, I leave that up to Baskin-Robbins’ R&D).

Since I recently returned from a business trip in which I experienced the full brunt of that sweet southern concoction of nuts, butter, cream, and sugar known as pralines, I felt like the Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee was calling my name. And because I stress the utmost in scientific and accurate reporting on all things tooth decaying and artery clogging, I made sure to grab a cone of Baskin-Robbins’ Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Ice Cream at the same time.

The Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee didn’t taste exactly like the ice cream flavor that shares its name, but the former is still very good. Because I wish for my iced coffee to have the rich taste of actual milk fat and not just the watery and dull taste of lactic acid, I chose to have my iced coffee with cream instead of skim milk. I highly suggest this.

The syrup itself is plenty sweet, but not cloying in the way you’d expect from the stuff that gives snow cones their flavor. It’s actually remarkably balanced when taken with the rest of the beverage, with a roasted pecan flavor that’s only heightened by the mellow and smooth Dunkin’ coffee. There’s also a depth of sweetness that tastes like brown sugar or maple syrup.

Taking turns sipping from my iced coffee and licking my Butter Pecan Ice Cream cone, I found both products enjoyable, if moderately different in flavor. The iced coffee focused the pecan flavor more in terms of what I would call a “creamery fresh” sensation with a sophisticated roasted vibe, while the ice cream drew most of its flavor from the buttery and oily flavors of the big ass pecan sticking out of the cone.

I didn’t find Dunkin’ Donuts’ take on sister chain Baskin-Robbins’ Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Ice Cream to be an exact replication, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a bold and interesting new take in the overcrowded fast food iced coffee market which screams for flavors beyond vanilla, hazelnut, and caramel. The roasted and full-flavored coffee notes, as well as the brown sugar, give the Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee a kind of pralines and cream flavor that’s in some ways preferable to the “Old Fashioned” Butter Pecan flavor of the Baskin-Robbins ice cream, and much more lively than the par-for-the-course shot of vanilla-flavored syrup.

(Nutrition Facts – small – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 6% calcium.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Iced Coffee
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: Small
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Much better than standard iced coffee syrup. Tastes like butter pecan. Creamery fresh taste has roasted pecan flavor thanks to the smoky notes of coffee. Pralines ‘n Cream thing going on. Killing two birds with one stone. Dunking ice cream in coffee gives new meaning to the ‘Dunkin’ in Dunkin Donuts.
Cons: Doesn’t have actual pecans in it. Butter flavor could use some work. Finding a way to work donuts into the equation

Pizza Hut likes to do things differently. In the past, they’ve been known to shove hot dogs inside of their pizza crusts, or even decorate the perimeter of a pie with cheeseburgers. It seems that Pizza Hut has once again decided to deviate from the traditional pizza crust formula with the introduction of the new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza, which was launched in the United States on April 3 and will be available for a limited time only.

The Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza encircles a pizza with cheese pockets containing a blend of five different cheeses: asiago, fontina, mozzarella, provolone, and white cheddar. For just $12.99, hungry citizens all over the US can purchase a single topping Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza. Today, I was one of those citizens.

As my stomach growled with unimaginable voracity, I picked up the phone and dialed my nearest Pizza Hut. The exchange went something like this…

Pizza Hut Employee: Pizza Hut. How can I help you?

Me: Hi, I’d like to order a Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: …a what?

Me: A Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: Do you mean…a Stuffed Crust Pizza?

Me: No, I mean a Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: *silence*

Me: It’s a new pizza that was released yesterday. Do you have it?

Employee: Oh, umm…please hold.

After being placed on hold for a short while, the employee returned and allowed me to finish my order, assuring me it would be thirty minutes until my pizza arrived. I was nervous, worried that the delivery person would hand me a pizza box containing a normal, non-crazy pizza.

I can only imagine the chaos that occurred at that Pizza Hut when I hung up the phone: employees running every which way, knocking over boxes of crusts, cheeses, and sauces, searching for some sort of clue to help them learn what exactly a “Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza” is, and exactly how one can be prepared. Soon, a riot begins, and a few unfortunate individuals lose their lives while searching for the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza recipe.

(A moment of silence for the victims of the Great Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Massacre of 2013.)

The thirty minutes I spent waiting for my pizza were long and trying. Eventually, the delivery person arrived, and I gave him the cash in exchange for his Cheesy Crust. I opened the box, and found myself standing before a pizza somewhat shaped like a chrysanthemum. Extending from the main body of the pizza were sixteen cheesy prongs, begging to be devoured. I could wait no longer; I picked up my first slice and took a bite.

The main pizza portion of Pizza Hut’s new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza offers few surprises. The sauce is Pizza Hut’s usual sweet tomato sauce, and the cheese provides a pretty standard mozzarella taste. The crust, however, is noticeably thinner than a standard Pizza Hut pizza’s crust, providing a bit less support, which leads to a sagging slice. However, this might not be deemed an issue for fans of Domino’s and Papa John’s.

The real difference shines through with the pockets of cheese. Whether eaten before the rest of the slice or after, the five cheese blend tastes noticeably different compared to the rest of the pizza. The lack of sauce in the pockets really serves to highlight the flavor of the cheeses. I was unable to identify the unique flavor of any of the five cheeses. Instead, the five cheese flavors blend into one uniform taste, which comes through as slightly sharper than the standard Pizza Hut mozzarella.

The texture of the cheese inside the pockets is nearly identical to the texture of the cheese in the main body of the pizza, though slightly more spongy. I was hoping that the crust surrounding the pockets would be crispier than the rest of the crust, but it was softer than expected, most likely moistened by the cheese that sat inside of the pockets.

The pizza, though slightly overcooked, was still pretty satisfying. I imagine it would be best eaten straight out of the oven, with the cheese inside of the pockets still slightly melted from the heat. As the pizza cools down, the cheese becomes more spongy and less appealing in general.

Overall, the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza was a pleasant deviation from the standard pizza offered by Pizza Hut, but I feel like the inclusion of the cheese pockets was not enough to warrant a repeat purchase of this pizza. Its flavor is not a significant improvement over the standard pizza’s flavor, and in my opinion, Stuffed Crust is a much better option for those pizza fans looking for that extra cheese kick. All things considered, I encourage any cheese-lovers out there to try the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza while it lasts!

This review is dedicated to the victims of the Great Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Massacre of 2013: Michael “Cheesy Crust” Robinson III, Edward “Big Eddie” McPizzaPants, and Sergeant Tony O’Sauce. Our love goes out to their friends and family.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Other Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza
Purchased Price: $12.99
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: An enjoyable pizza. Five cheese! Cheesy prongs.
Cons: Sagging slices. Five cheese flavors blend into single flavor. Unappetizing when cooled down. Cheesy massacres.

I can’t help but feel inadequate when I look at the McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap. Look at its length. Look at its girth. If you compare it to one of my body parts, the McWrap makes it look pathetic.

I’m talking about my arm wresting arm. If somehow a McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap came to life and I had to beat it at an arm wrestling match to prevent it from taking over the world, I’m going to lose and we’re going to have to call it Supreme Ruler McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap.

When Apple’s iPad was first introduced, many people said it was just a big iPod touch or iPhone. And when I first heard about McDonald’s new McWraps, I thought they were just larger McDonald’s Snack Wraps. However, McDonald’s McWraps are much more than larger Snack Wraps.

A Chicken & Ranch McWrap can be made with either crispy or grilled chicken. I decided to try both varieties. (To be honest, I really wish McDonald’s would stuff these McWraps with McNuggets.) When the McCrew Member handed me the bag with my McWraps, I was McSurprised by how McHeavy it was. How McHeavy? I believe with a regime that involves several sets of wrist and bicep curls with a bag filled with two McWraps, I could take on and beat an animated McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap intent on taking over the Earth.

Along with your choice of chicken, the 9-inch McWraps are stuffed with half slices of tomatoes, cucumber slices, shredded lettuce, cheddar jack cheese, spring greens, seasoned rice vinegar, and buttermilk ranch sauce. I’d list the plants that make up the spring greens, but it’s filled with names you’re probably unfamiliar with, so instead I’m just going to tell you it consists of greens from the Asteraceae, Brassicaceae, Amaranthaceae families.

The McWraps come in sleeves that work a lot like convertible pants. But because of my muscle memory from eating a lot of Taco Bell burritos, I took the McWrap out of its sleeve and grabbed it like I was fighting a snake.

The crispy version is better tasting than the grilled one, thanks to the chicken’s breading, but I would buy either one again. I haven’t tried the other McWraps yet, so I can’t compare it with them, but these Chicken & Ranch versions are quite tasty. The buttermilk ranch sauce was spread evenly throughout the McWrap, ensuring flavor in every bite (and preventing ingredients from falling out), and the seasoned rice vinegar was ever so slightly noticeable but I think most people won’t realize it’s there.

Another ingredient eaters probably won’t notice is the cheese, which got lost in the buttermilk ranch sauce’s flavor. Since it doesn’t add any flavor, might I recommend asking to leave it out, which will knock off a good amount of fat and around 100 milligrams of sodium.

Thanks to the farmer’s market level of vegetables in each McWrap, its innards were filled with orange, dark green, light green, and dark purple colors. The veggies were also spread evenly within the flour tortilla as if they were placed there by a Subway Sandwich Artist.

While the McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap makes my forearms look inadequate, it adequately fills my stomach and gratifies my taste buds.

Click here to read our McDonald’s Sweet Chili McWrap review

(Nutrition Facts – Crispy – 590 calories, 260 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 05. grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1300 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, 26 grams of protein. Grilled – 430 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1130 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, 30 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food

Item: McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap
Purchased Price: $4.99 each*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Crispy)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Grilled)
Pros: Nice flavor. Filling. Crispy is better tasting than grilled. Stuffed with, um, stuff, giving them a nice heft. Nice variety of veggies. They’ve got cucumbers. Dropping in plant family references to make me look smarter than I really am.
Cons: Cheese was unnecessary. Makes my arms look weak. Fast food trying to take over the planet. Awesome source of sodium. A McWrap probably doesn’t contain every green listed under “spring greens.”

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

You know what three things scare me regarding food?

Cilantro, balut, and Burger King drive-thrus. In that exact order.

And yes, I would rather eat a soapy-tasting weed or a bird embryo than deal with a Burger King drive-thru. Because it took two attempts and two different Burger King drive-thrus to get a proper Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich in my hands.

Now before I begin my foul-mouthed rant about my Burger King visits, I want to add that both were done on the weekend and before 8:30 am when the only person up is my neighbor with OCD who brushes the lawn so it is “straight.” Lastly, it was a rare cold morning in central Florida where the temperature was in the low 40s. So, basically, nobody was on the road except me, my wife, and my neighbor who ensures each leaf is pointed correctly on her tree.

My first attempt to get this sandwich was abysmal. You can get the Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich on either a comfy biscuit or stodgy, yet classy, English muffin. You Francophiles are also in luck; the menu indicates it comes as a Croissan’wich too. I didn’t want the bread to overwhelm the mild Gouda so I decided on the English muffin.

I’m also leery of fast food biscuits because biscuits are a Southern institution as my wife would attest. To me, fast food biscuits (for the most part) are clunky, flavorless and unpleasantly dense. Alas, as luck would have it, “We don’t have no English muffins” buzzed through the speaker.

(sigh)

Window jockey, can you at least feign a sorry?

Annoyed, hungry, and not thinking clearly, I settled on the biscuit and waited six fucking minutes for it. Yes. Six…fucking…minutes in the drive-thru for basically a damn bacon and cheese sandwich. Needless to say, the cheese was not melted and appeared it was thrown on the sandwich like it was a discarded Band-Aid.

I felt like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. At least my wife got a good chuckle until I horse-stomped the sandwich in the bag on the passenger side carpet.

Sure, my behavior could be the result of the three hours of sleep I had after a marathon-gaming session, but I don’t think so because I’m still angry and want to choke slam the idiot that made my sandwich. Then I want to take that person’s teeth and put it in the sandwich so I can make them eat it too.

Boy, I need anger management.

My second attempt at another Burger King only reiterated their crappy drive-thru service in my area. I ordered the same thing with an English muffin which they actually had. Great, right?

No, because apparently I’m an asshole for thinking a drive-thru works as simple as:

Step 1. Place your order.
Step 2. Pay.
Step 3. You get your order.

I got up to the window and the manager goes (and I’m paraphrasing), “Uh, did you want cheese and sausage?” Why the hell did I order from the stupid speaker if I have to tell you again what I ordered? So, I repeat my order with disdain and in a minute she hands me the sandwich.

They were fast…almost too fast. My wife, of course, thought the whole thing was funny, but also reminded me to check my sandwich.

Hey! What do you know? It’s a bacon sandwich sans the herb spread and with orange American cheese. Not what I ordered!

After a half-assed apology and dealing with my outrage (I’m pretty sure there was spit in my sandwich now), I received only what I can say was close to perfection, but not enough to quell my anger.

The sandwich was warm and felt great in the cold morning. It radiated in my hands in its neat little package. Unwrapping the white paper, I smelled the buttery eggs embracing me. The English muffin was toasted, yet fluffy, and it was generously slathered with the rich herb sauce.

The nooks and crannies of the muffin created flavor pockets of butter and it carried the Gouda and eggs away to breakfast heaven. The herb spread and rich buttery flavor complemented each other well. The bacon provided a pleasant fatty saltiness that heightened the sandwich and made me ask myself, “Do I still want to make that person eat their own teeth?”

The melted Gouda was mild, but flavorful. The cheese immersed itself into the egg and buttery spread. The combined components of the sandwich created one lush flavor. I would order it again, although from inside a Burger King. Here’s a tip too, the Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich has 140 less calories than the biscuit version. So decide wisely.

Admittedly, it’s hard to beat the trifecta of a good breakfast — bacon, cheese, and eggs — but Burger King slightly elevated it with this sandwich. It was so good that I don’t care if a BK employee’s DNA may have been in it. In fact, if you put balut, complete with tiny feathers and beak, into that sandwich, I would still eat it.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 22 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 195 milligrams of cholesterol, 920 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich reviews:
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The muffin sandwich was buttery, salty, crispy, warm, and lush all at the same time. Horse-stomping things. The herb spread complemented the sandwich’s butteriness. The Gouda melded well with the eggs. Falling Down.
Cons: Burger King Drive-Thrus in my area are manned by imbeciles. This is a limited offer. Unmelted cheese on breakfast sandwiches is disgusting. My wife laughing at me. Cleaning up the car after my antics.

If I had a dollar for every time Burger King released a burger topped with their mediocre onion rings, I’d have enough money to buy a Burger King burger topped with their mediocre onion rings. But even though Burger King’s onion rings aren’t anything special, when BK combines them with one of their burgers, it usually creates magic. There was the Rodeo Cheeseburger, Angry Whopper, Western Angus Steak Burger, Western BBQ BK Toppers, Rodeo Whopper, and now there’s the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger.

This new Burger King sandwich isn’t the first one topped with onion rings and it also isn’t the first one to have a beef patty stuffed with, um…stuff. In 2011, they attempted to burn our mouths with their Jalapeño Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger.

I’m now going to explain what’s in the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger like I’m an overzealous marketing person and use more adjectives than I need to. The Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger is made up of a juicy and cowtstanding USDA-Inspected fire-grilled ground beef patty stuffed with yummy, swinesational hardwood smoked bacon and delicious, gooey cheddar cheese, topped with fresh-cut, crisp, and greenish lettuce; ripe, succulent tomato slices; red, vinegary, and stain-causing ketchup; creamy, white, and oozable mayonnaise; and crispy, golden brown, and bad breath-causing onion rings all on a warm, squishy artisan-style bun.

With the inclusion of onion rings, I thought the Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger would’ve followed in the footsteps of many other onion ring-topped BK burgers and come with barbecue sauce. But alas, I had to settle for barbecue sauce’s condiment cousins, ketchup and mayo. However, and this is going to sound strange, the ketchup and a few other ingredients, at times, made the burger taste as if it had barbecue sauce. Besides that, the ketchup and mayonnaise made my hands look like I turned into the Incredible Hulk and SMASH STORE CONDIMENT SECTION!

If you’re like me and complain regularly on a semi-popular food review blog about how I can rarely taste the bacon in most fast food burgers, then you’ll be happy to hear the flavor of the bacon in the thick patty stands out. Every bite I took from this burger had a nice smoky and swinetastic flavor. It feels a little weird to be biting on bacon bits instead of strips of bacon and it makes the patty taste even saltier, but who cares? I can finally taste the bacon in a fast food burger!

Let’s celebrate with bacon!

However, what didn’t stand out were the bits of cheddar in the beef patty, which was the same issue the Jalapeño Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger had. But the onion rings did somewhat make up for the cheese by providing a mild onion flavor that went well with the beef and gave the burger a slight crunchiness.

With Burger King’s limited time only spring menu, they’re giving you a lot of new sandwich choices — a turkey burger, a new Whopper variety, a new chicken sandwich, a veggie burger, and this burger. If you’re having trouble deciding what to eat, I think you can’t go wrong with the Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger.

(Nutrition Facts – 650 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1420 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger reviews:
Brand Eating
The Food Chain Review
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Cheddar Stuffed Burger
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice flavor. I can taste the bacon in a fast food burger. Thick patty. Onion rings provided a little crunchiness. At times, the burger tasted as if it has barbecue sauce. BK burger + onion rings = magic.
Cons: Cheddar in the patty didn’t add anything. Someone may have put too much ketchup and mayonnaise in my burger. Awesome source of sodium. Available for a limited time. Going adjective crazy.