The folks over at Fast Food Geek reviewed Dunkin’ Donuts’ new Bakery Sandwiches, which come in two varieties: Ham & Cheese and Turkey, Cheddar & Bacon.

The Ham & Cheese is made up of sliced ham with white cheddar on a French roll, while the Turkey, Cheddar & Bacon consists of sliced turkey, cherrywood smoked bacon and white cheddar cheese on a French roll. The new Bakery Sandwiches join the Texas Toast Grilled Cheese Sandwich on the after-breakfast menu.

But, seriously, Bakery Sandwiches? BORING! Come on, Dunkin’ Donuts! Come on over to the dark side and break the 1,000 calorie mark with a sandwich that combines a sausage patty, bacon, eggs, and several slices of cheese in between one of your glazed donuts. Oh, it would be so good…and evil. It feels good to be evil once in a while.

A Ham & Cheese has 440 calories, 14 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1380 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 24 grams of protein. A Turkey, Cheddar & Bacon has 470 calories, 14 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1380 milligrams of sodium, 3 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein.

At first, I didn’t understand why Taco Bell would call their new breakfast the “First Meal.” Why don’t they just call it “breakfast” like any normal fast food joint would? But then I began to see their logic. Taco Bell has their Fourth Meal, which tends to be eaten late at night by drunk people. Of course, Taco Bell can’t call it Late Night Drunken Meal, so the name Fourth Meal was born.

So perhaps the First Meal is meant for hungover people trying to recuperate from a night of booze. Of course, Taco Bell can’t call it Hangover Recovery Meal, so they came up with the name First Meal. Sounds logical to me.

Taco Bell’s First Meal will be available, starting this week, at 750 locations in 10 states. Yes, just 10 out of the 50 states in this great country, which doesn’t seem so great anymore because not every one of them is getting the First Meal this week.

Taco Bell’s First Meal menu is made up of 11 new products, which includes coffee, orange juice, breakfast burritos, sausage and egg wraps, and Cinnabon Delights (fried dough balls with cream filling). Our friends over at Grub Grade have more information about the menu and pricing.

Some of the states that will offer the First Meal menu include California, Arizona, Colorado, and Texas. But not every location in these states will offer the breakfast menu.

By 2014, Taco Bell hopes to have 5,800 locations serving breakfast. Wow. That’s a lot of time and a lot of missed hungover people Taco Bell could’ve sold their Hangover Recovery Meal…I mean, First Meal to.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Hmm…Peanut butter jelly in a slimy energy bar form or, with a few more ingredients, a form that’ll make me drunk enough to eat peanut butter jelly in a slimy energy bar form. Decisions. (via Crazy Food Dude and Food Junk)

Turns out the McDonald’s Hot Habanero sauce is as spicy as a Ronald McDonald and Wendy romance. (via An Immovable Feast)

There’s already a Big Cock Energy Drink, so of course someone had to make a Little Pussie Energy Drink. So now that this low bar has been set, I guess we just have to wait for Guarana Gangbang Go-Go Juice. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Swedish fish…but not what many of you might be thinking of. (via Dave’s Cupboard)

How come Canada gets first dibs on the new McDonald’s Oreo Cookies ‘N Creme Pie?

The Oreo cookie was invented in the United States in 1912, so shouldn’t the United States also have the opportunity to consume the baked pie with a chocolate Oreo crust and sweet white filling. They say those who smelt it, dealt it. So why is it that those who forged it, can’t gorge on it?

This review of the McDonald’s Cookies ‘N Creme Pie by our friends over at So Good Blog isn’t helping me quell my jealousy.

For now, to satisfy our Oreo-flavored fast food desires, I guess we Americans are just going to have to settle for either a McDonald’s Oreo McFlurry, Burger King Oreo Brownie Sundae, Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard, Carl’s Jr. Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich, Jack in the Box Oreo Milkshake, Wendy’s Oreo Frosty Parfait, Baskin Robbins Oreo Cookies ‘n Cream ice cream cone, or a Sonic Double Stuff Oreo Sonic Blast.

The late journalist Christopher Hitchens considered Johnnie Walker Black Label scotch whisky to be, “The best blended Scotch in the history of the world.” Well, I’m pretty sure Wendy’s Black Label Hamburgers will never be considered the best hamburger in the history of the world.

If they end up being that good, I will eat the cardboard box they come in, which if I do eat, I hope ends up being the best cardboard hamburger container in the history of the world.

According to a Grub Grade post, the burger is being tested in Wichita, Kansas and comes in two varieties — Bacon Portabella and Spicy Santa Fe. The Bacon Portabella is made using a 1/4-pound beef patty, bacon, tomato, muenster cheese, a mushroom sauce, and a peppery sauce.

The burgers not only have a premium label, they also have the premium price of five dollars for a single patty burger.

Ketchup: America’s #1 condiment.

That’s how this review was supposed to start. However, being the Journalist with Integrity that I am, I decided to actually look up America’s #1 condiment, and was surprised to find that this is not true.

Hellman’s Mayonnaise: America’s #1 condiment.

Ketchup didn’t even come in second. Tostitos Salsa did. Different brands of mayonnaise took five of the ten top grossing condiments. Heinz Ketchup took third place.

What happened, America?

Your french fries are sad. Your burgers are bummed. Your hastily put-together vampire Halloween costume is lacking that crucial blood-down-the-chin tomato touch. What are you going to do, replace that with some mayonnaise?

…don’t do that. That is a bad idea. That is how you wind up on a list that mandates you must keep your porch lights off on Halloween.

So, what happened? Has the debate of ketchup vs. catsup divided a nation, allowing mayo to take over? I can put that to rest right now. Or, rather, five minutes of internet research can. Remember, kids: Wikipedia is a totally valid source for your essays.

The word “ketchup” entered the English vernacular in the late 17th century; I won’t go much deeper into that, but it involves China and fish sauce and you’ve probably already stopped reading this sentence.

You can blame Jonathan Swift for first introducing the word “catsup” in 1730. Heads up: Jonathan Swift wanted everyone to eat poor people’s babies. He probably wanted to put catsup on them, too.

Obviously, ketchup is the correct term. If you use the word catsup, you support eating babies. I’m pretty sure baby-eaters have to turn off their porch lights on Halloween.

With etymology out of the way, what is to be done about ketchup’s decline in popularity? Well, Whataburger is doing their part to put some pep back in ketchup’s step with their new Limited Batch Spicy Ketchup. The label made me feel like I was about to peel open a tiny cup of bourbon, which I found adorable. I also like the phrase “Limited Batch”, which always makes me feel like I should save some to sell on eBay ten years from now for a price that will surely allow me to retire early and live on a giant yacht. I’m telling you, that bottle of Crystal Pepsi sitting in my closet will have me rolling in a pile of money like Scrooge McDuck.

I have to admit: ketchup is not my go-to condiment. I don’t hate it, I just think there are a lot more interesting dips and dressings out there. I’m not begging Whataburger to change my mind, but I am interested in seeing if they can take good ol’ ketchup and make it a little more dynamic.

Can you spot the Spicy? I was expecting the Spicy Limited Batch ketchup to have a different color and/or viscosity than Whataburger’s regular Fancy Ketchup, but they seemed almost identical on both fronts. There was a distinct difference in taste, however. Unlike regular ketchup, which generally has a sweet tomato taste with a vinegar finish, the Limited Batch Spicy Ketchup immediately hit with a tomato/vinegar combo and finished with a nice spicy bite (courtesy of red jalapeño pepper purée) and just a hint of that conventional ketchup sweetness.

The heat level rose nicely as I plowed through the cup with my fries. I was surprised at how much heat there was; it wasn’t to the point where it burned my mouth, but it had more heat than most fast food places would qualify as “spicy”. Fast food spicy is usually disappointing.

While I’m not usually a big fan of ketchup, I found myself enjoying Whataburger’s Limited Batch Spicy Ketchup. All the classic ketchup flavors are there – tomato, sweetness and vinegar – but they’ve been rearranged to where the vinegar played a bigger part than the sugar. The addition of the spicy heat just added another dimension that worked with all the other flavors. Regular ketchup lovers may find the vinegar too overpowering and the sweetness too muted, but someone looking for a new ketchup experience with a spicy kick will wish this batch wasn’t so limited.

Now, where’s my tiny cup of bourbon?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 31 calories, 2 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 406 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbs, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Whataburger Limited Batch Spicy Ketchup
 reviews:
Pegasus News
Eat More Heat

Item: Whataburger Limited Batch Spicy Ketchup

Price: Free

Size: 1 ounce cup

Purchased at: Whataburger

Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Has a genuine spicy kick. Rollin’ like Scrooge McDuck. Vinegar over sweetness was refreshing. Catsup-covered babies
Cons: Could be too spicy for some. Mayo being the #1 condiment. Vinegar may overwhelm classic ketchup lovers. Not an actual cup of bourbon.