It must suck being the new Jack in the Box Java Cookie Shake because it has to follow Jack’s Kinda-Sounds-Like-A-Joke-But-Wasn’t Bacon Shake.

I guess it would be hard topping or equalling a bacon milkshake, but I wish Jack in the Box at least tried because it doesn’t seem like they did with their Java Cookie Shake, which is basically their regular Oreo shake with a shot of coffee flavored syrup.

A regular 16-ounce Java Cookie Shake has 915 calories, 401 calories from fat, 45 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 127 milligrams of cholesterol, 386 milligrams of sodium, 114 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 92 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

Oh, and for shits and giggles…and a few gasps, here’s the nutrition info for a 24-ounce Java Cookie Shake: 1,294 calories, 552 calories from fat, 61 grams of fat, 39 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 184 milligrams of cholesterol, 560 milligrams of sodium, 164 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 132 grams of sugar, and 18 grams of protein.

The Jack in the Box Java Cookie Shake is available now at participating Jack in the Box restaurants. Oh, Indianapolis and San Antonio locations aren’t participating.

If you happen to try it, let us know what you think in the comments.

Update: Click here to read our McDonald’s Cherry Berry Chiller review

According to this AP report, in the coming weeks, McDonald’s is set to release nationwide their Cherry Berry Chiller. The cherry and raspberry-flavored beverage combines 100 percent fruit juice with ice, which is blended to create a slushie.

Oh, I feel sorry for the McDonald’s blenders. Before, it was just their smoothies and Frappé, but then they added their frozen lemonade, and now this Cherry Berry Chiller.

According to the internets, the Cherry Berry Chiller has been tested in limited markets since last year. McDonald’s already has a page set up for it on their website. (WARNING: Slightly annoying repetitive booty shaking music.)

If you’ve given the Cherry Berry Chiller a try, let us know what you think of it in the comments below.

Thanks to @NickL3git for letting us know about the McDonald’s Cherry Berry Chiller.

Update: Click here to read our Jack in the Box Chipotle Chicken Club Sandwich review

Oh, I hope Jack finally learned how to say the word “chipotle,” because he has a new chipotle chicken sandwich.

This week, Jack in the Box introduced their Chipotle Chicken Club sandwich. It’s made with a spicy crispy chicken breast with chipotle sauce, hickory smoked bacon, American cheese, lettuce, and tomato on a toasted sourdough bread. This is the third chipotle sandwich Jack in the Box has introduced. The first two being the Chipotle Chicken Sandwich and the Chipotle Chicken Ciabatta Sandwich, both of which are no longer on the menu.

The Jack in the Box Chipotle Chicken Club has 686 calories, 35 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 1,292 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein. It’s available in a combo meal, which includes a small fries and 20-ounce drink, for $4.99.

It’s available for a limited time, except for those of you in Austin, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, San Diego, Spokane, and Yakima, where it’s not available at all. I don’t know why.

I realize many of you won’t care about Whataburger introducing their new Whatachick’n Bites this week because 90 percent of you don’t live within a reasonable driving distance from a Whataburger location. But I’m letting you know about it because I love driving my computer’s spell check mad by typing Whataburger and Whatachick’n. You should see all the red squiggly lines on my computer screen right now.

Whataburger’s Whatachick’n Bites are made using 100 percent all white-meat chicken breast that’s lightly breaded. Oh, if you’re wondering if they use pink slime, they don’t. The Whatachick’n Bites are offered in six or nine pieces. There’s also a 4-piece kids’ meal.

You can dip those Whatachick’n Bites in either Honey BBQ, Creamy Pepper, Ranch, Fat Free Ranch, Honey Mustard, or Creamy Gravy.

For some strange reason, the Whataburger website doesn’t list the nutritional facts for six or nine pieces, but it does for four pieces. Four Whatachick’n Bites have 240 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 1,170 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 21 grams of protein.

Oh, the website also lists the nutrition facts for 18 pieces. I guess they do that just in case you find yourself in a Whatachick’n Bites eating contest. Eighteen pieces has 1,080 calories, 36 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 5,265 milligrams of sodium, 86 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, and 95 grams of protein.

I have good news and I have bad news when it comes to Subway’s new Smokehouse BBQ Chicken sandwich. The good news is that’s it’s significantly better than just smearing BBQ sauce over Subway’s “Oven Roasted” Chicken. The bad news is that you may very well incur the wrath of an esteemed sandwich “artist” in ordering one.
 
If the guy smoking freshly-killed chicken with Applewood out back in his shack in the North Carolina woods is the Rembrandt of the barbecue universe, then I suppose we should extend the metaphor and proclaim Subway’s very own “artists” as the equivalent of first graders during arts and crafts time.

I knew the sandwich was new and expected some kinks going in, but the look of befuddlement I received when asking for the sandwich (despite, I should add, several prominent displays in the windows for it) was enough to make me wonder if my artist had even brought her brushes to work. That she continued to refer to the meat as “pork” and asked me if I wanted cheese with it made me question if it wasn’t “switch place with your spouse at work day,” but the real kicker was when she proceeded to grow noticeably angry at my polite insistence that she construct this masterpiece to include whatever the picture called for.
 
Clearly, I must not understand tasteful art.
 
But I do understand barbecue, and when it comes to something you can order at a suburban fast food restaurant, this is about the high point. Obviously that’s not saying a lot should you live south of the Mason-Dixon Line, but who are we kidding, this is a Subway review. The chicken itself is an admirable stab at smoked and pulled chicken. Despite coming from one of those dreaded pre-portioned containers held in a refrigerator, it manages to convey a certain less-than-cloying sweetness with an unexpected lightness of acidity and tang of apple cider vinegar.

The shredded chicken has a mild spice and hint of smoke flavor, which, I’m almost 100 percent certain, was conveyed in the meat and not just the sauce. The meat avoids any fatty strings or cartilage, and has a succulent taste about it which could pass for the kind of really solid imitation pulled chicken BBQ your Weight Watchers Aunt (or Charles Barkley) makes in the slow cooker. Above all, it’s a step up from Subway’s floppy Oven Roasted Chicken, which, even with barbecue sauce, mostly just tastes like rib meat and salt.

That said, the portion is meager and looks nothing like the advertisement. Crunch (like slaw) is needed on top, while a potato bread base could go a long way to imitate the authentic barbecue experience. Some shaggy interior decorating and southern rock music wouldn’t hurt to inspire the faux atmosphere either, although something tells me that may clash with the artist process.
 

If you prefer chicken to beef, have exactly four dollars (plus tax) to spend, and decline to dine outside the confines of fast food restaurants, I can see this being a frequent purchase. If, however, you happen to just be some schmuck who’s running late for work and falls victim to unrealistic advertisements (like me), then I would suggest passing. That is, unless you insist on some finger painting and stick figure drawing, for which I’m sure your sandwich artist would be happy to provide on your complimentary napkin.
 
(Nutrition Facts – 6-inch sandwich – 380 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 5 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Sub
Price: $4.00 (6-inch)
Size: 6-inch
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Chicken gets good BBQ sauce coverage and has a nice smokey-sweet flavor. Not too salty. Better than Oven Roasted Chicken. 32 grams protein (allegedly). Fingerpainting.
Cons: Getting yelled at by a sandwich artist. Holding up the line at Subway. Too little meat. Needs crunch. Bring your own Skynyrd. Admitting I don’t dislike healthy crock pot “BBQ” chicken.

With menu items like Beijing Beef and their new Shanghai Angus Steak, it’s safe to say Panda Express likes using alliteration and Chinese locations in their entree names, so I’m hoping the next item that pops up on Panda’s menu is Canton Chicken Feet.

If you’re a Chinese cuisine expert, or read Wikipedia entries about Chinese cuisine for 15 minutes, you would know Shanghai is not known at all for steak. Instead, Shanghai, one of the most populated cities in the world, is known for two other foods that begin with the letter S: seafood and stinky tofu. While I could see Shanghai Shrimp being served at Panda Express, I don’t think most American palates and olfactory organs could handle stinky tofu.

But back to Panda Express’ new Shanghai Angus Steak, which consists of thick slices of Angus Top Sirloin marinated with Asian seasonings, asparagus, mushrooms, and Panda’s new zesty Asian steak sauce.

PanEx wasn’t kidding when they said on their website that this entree has “thick cut slices” of Angus steak. (Yes, I’m going to start calling Panda Express, PanEx, like I call American Express, AmEx. Be one of the cool kids and do the same.) Look at the photo above. Then look at the photo below. Some of those chunks are the size of baby limbs.

Baby limbs!

And they’re also as tender as I imagine baby limbs to be. Occasionally, there was some connective tissue or something else, which made part of the meat a little tough, but 98 percent of the time the thick steak slices were easy to chew. The Angus steak also has a nice flavor that wasn’t overwhelmed by the dish’s sauce, which I’ll talk more about in a moment.

The mushroom slices were also substantial. Their size made me wonder if any Smurfs are now homeless. As for the asparagus, the stalks were chopped into one inch pieces, but there weren’t any asparagus tips in the two Shanghai Angus Steak servings I purchased. The “zesty Asian steak sauce” tastes like a light teriyaki sauce with a slight kick at the back end. I could’ve done without the zesty part, but the rest of the sauce was pleasant and, again, it didn’t drown the flavor of the steak.

The Shanghai Angus Steak isn’t as tasty as PanEx’s Beijing Beef, but it’s significantly healthier. A serving of Beijing Beef has 690 calories, 40 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, and 890 milligrams of sodium, while a serving of Shanghai Angus Steak has 220 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, and 910 milligrams of sodium.

Just like when you order a shrimp entree at PanEx, you have to pay an extra dollar for the Shanghai Angus Steak. Is it worth it? I say yes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 serving – 220 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express Shanghai Angus Steak
Price: $9.69 (2-entree plate)
Size: 2-entree plate
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Baby limb-sized slices of Angus steak. Huge mushrooms. Tender steak. Pleasant Asian steak sauce. One of the healthier items on the menu. Good source of protein. Calling Panda Express, PanEx.
Cons: Not as tasty as Beijing Beef. Zesty part of sauce seemed unnecessary. Charging an extra dollar per serving. Around for a limited time. Not as tasty as Orange Chicken. Stinky tofu. Homeless Smurfs.