I might be one of the few people on Earth who eats the fortune cookie before digging into a styrofoam takeout tray of Panda Express food. I prefer to know my fortune before knowing what faux Chinese food tastes like just in case I get a fortune that says, “You have paid for this meal, but get ready to pay for it again.”

During my latest visit to Panda Express to pick up their new Garlic Lover’s Chicken Breast, I received an extra fortune cookie. After opening each cookie and reading their fortunes, I wondered if one of them was trying to tell me something.

The first one said, “Your warmth radiates on those around you.” It was a fortune I received before, and I didn’t think anything of it. However, the second one said, “People in your background will be more cooperative than usual.”

That fortune made me wonder if the amount of garlic in Panda Express’ new entree would make the people in my background be more cooperative than usual because the people in my foreground are frozen by my garlic breath.

Along with a vampire-repelling amount of minced garlic, Panda Express’ Garlic Lover’s Chicken Breast also includes broccoli, red bell peppers, baby corn, white meat chicken, and a savory black bean sauce. However, despite what appears to be a cockblocking amount of garlic, the dish isn’t as garlicky as I would like.

But, there’s enough garlic to make baby corn taste better. Although, there’s not enough garlic in the world to make them less creepy to eat. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something weird about eating undeveloped corn. It’s like the vegetable equivalent of balut. It doesn’t even taste like any corn I’ve had, and I’ve had it cobbed, canned, creamed, and sold to me in popped form in a movie theater for seven dollars a bag.

The black bean sauce wasn’t noticeable and I didn’t even know it existed until I did some research for this review. To be honest, if this entree is supposed to be for garlic lovers, it should have some kind of garlic sauce. As for the rest of the dish, the broccoli is always a welcomed addition because it makes me think I’m eating something healthy, the red bell peppers were just there for color, and if you’ve had Panda Express’ Mushroom Chicken, then you know what the chicken’s texture is like.

Personally, I wish this dish was call Breast Lover’s Garlic Chicken, because that would make me giggle like a 12 year old boy. Overall, I thought the Garlic Lover’s Chicken Breast was decent, but I don’t see myself ordering it again because the amount of garlic flavor it has doesn’t make me feel like its aroma would radiate on those around me.

(Nutrition Facts – 5.8 ounces – 180 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.)

Other Panda Express Garlic Lover’s Chicken Breast reviews:
An Immovable Feast

Item: Panda Express Garlic Lover’s Chicken Breast
Price: $6.59
Size: 2-entree
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Broccoli. Lots of garlic pieces. Good source of protein. Corn on the cob. Panda Express’ Orange Chicken.
Cons: Despite the amount of garlic pieces, it wasn’t garlicky enough for me. Baby corn freaks me out. Black bean sauce wasn’t noticeable. Balut. Getting fortune cookies that warn you about the Chinese food you just ate/are about to eat.

When I think of treasure, naturally, I think of pirates. There is such a strong, fundamental connection between massive hidden hauls of loot and buccaneering that it can be difficult to envision anything else. So you can understand my hesitation to associate pirates with panda bears when I first heard about Panda Express’s newest entry, Golden Treasure Shrimp.

As adorable as pandas in pirate costumes may be, I am tired of pirates. Like so many other North Americans who have been assailed by three (soon to be four) Pirates of the Caribbean films of gradually decreasing quality, numerous high-profile news stories of Somali pirate attacks, several thousand Captain Morgan commercials, and countless Captain Jack Sparrow Halloween costumes, I am so deep in the throes of Pirate Exhaustion that I didn’t want to experience anything pirate-y again for a while. But, by the Beard of Barbarossa, the Golden Treasure Shrimp demands a pirate-speak review. CURSES! Here goes nothing:

Avast ye mateys! Golden Treasure Shrimp ’tis representin’ an improv’ment upon th’ texture and flavor o’ Panda Express’s other tempura shrimp dish, Honey Walnut Shrimp. Accordin’ to th’ proud pronouncements on their site, Golden Treasure Shrimp be a “succulent tempura shrimp, wok tossed with fresh bell peppers in a zesty citrus sauce.”

Arrrr… ‘Tis true, th’ sauce be zesty, but that’s due in no small part t’ its spiciness, which be an unexpected and pleasant surprise. Since th’ coatin’ be so similar t’ PE’s SweetFire Chicken’s sweet chili sauce, I wonder why th’ scalawags dinnae just call th’ new dish SweetFire Shrimp. While only a wee bit citrus-y, th’ sauce has a bold flavor ‘n a nice “lip spiciness” that provides enough heat t’ make it interestin’ without becomin’ too overpowerin’ or painful. A smart sip of grog should cure what’ever lingerin’ heat ails ya.

Bein’ a lubber o’ tempura-style anythin’, I was pleased t’ find th’ Golden Treasure Shrimp’s batter was crispy despite o’ th’ fact that it be drenched in tangy sauce. However, if let sit for a while, I imagine th’ batter would smartly become soggy. Good thin’ I dinnae wait. Th’ tempura coatin’ be a wee bit heavy ‘n leaves a touch o’ residue on th’ tongue, since it be a tad oily, but th’ shrimp itself be tender ‘n tasty, ‘n weren’t overpower’d by th’ coatin’.

Th’ only downside be th’ sparse addition o’ chopped bell peppers. There were not that many peppers in me servin’ o’ Golden Treasure Shrimp, and they be tiny pieces t’ begin with, so they hardly added t’ th’ overall presentation. But if you enjoy flecks o’ color in your food, these peppers accomplish that job. Compared t’ th’ Honey Walnut Shrimp, th’ Golden Treasure Shrimp be a nice kick in th’ britches, says I. Yeeeaaaarrr!

(Nutrition Facts – 5 ounces – 390 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 500 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express Golden Treasure Shrimp
Price: Free sample during promotion (normally $6.57 incl. tax for a Panda Bowl)
Size: 5 ounces
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pandas in Pirate costumes. Shrimp is tender and tasty. Hidden hauls of loot. Spicy sauce is a tasty surprise and isn’t overpowering. Tempura-style anything.
Cons: Pirate Exhaustion. Bell peppers are rather sparse. Captain Jack Sparrow. Sauce isn’t all that citrus-y. Tempura coating is heavy and a little oily. Pirate-speak.

If I were a treasure hunter looking for sunken Spanish galleons and the sweet, sweet gold doubloons they may contain, and I came upon a wreckage filled, not with gold coins, but with Panda Express’ Golden Treasure Shrimp, I’m pretty sure I would be mad enough punch Poseidon in the face.

Panda Express’ latest dish combines crispy tempura shrimp, red and green bell peppers, and their new zesty citrus sauce. According to the press release I read from some site that posts nothing but press releases, Golden Treasure Shrimp received higher reviews than Panda’s Honey Walnut Shrimp during market testing across the country.

The new dish will make its debut on March 2. If you’re into free faux Chinese food, Panda Express will be offering a free single serving of Golden Treasure Shrimp on March 9 via a coupon from their Facebook page.

In the Korean language, I’m pretty sure kobari is a swear word.

Okay, I’m not 100 percent sure. It could just be a completely made up name Panda Express wordsmithed to give to their new Korean Kobari Beef. I’m not Korean, nor do I have a Korean translator handy to ask, but kobari really does sound more like Korean profanity than a Korean dish. According to the internet, which I trust when diagnosing rashes on my body, the words jiral, shibal, poji, gaeseki, kochu and byungsin are all real Korean obscenities.

Don’t you think kobari would fit nicely in that list?

Actually, I have to admit, if those swear words were on a Korean barbeque menu, they would all sound delicious. I would especially want to put some kochu in my mouth to go with a bibimbap. As for kobari, I still think it sounds like a swear word.

And if it’s not, I think we should all start using it like one. But I’m not sure what it should mean because after doing Korean profanity research, they appear to have words for all the common swear words that English speakers have. So it’s going to have to be an uncommon English swear word.

Personally, I think it should mean taint licker, i.e. a level above brown nosing.

For example: Man, Bob wants that raise so badly that he’s being a total kobari!

Well, until kobari is added to Urban Dictionary, I guess for now it will be the name of Panda Express’ Kobari Beef, which is made up of thin slices of marinated beef with wok-seared bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and leeks and tossed with a sweet, smoky and spicy Kobari sauce.

While the previous sentence makes Kobari Beef sound delicious, I have to say that it’s quite possibly the most boring and blandish non-starch item I’ve ever eaten at Panda Express. I don’t have a beef with most of the ingredients, but I think the Kobari sauce is the cause of this dish’s lack of flavor. While it’s sweet, smoky and spicy, it’s also not a very strong sauce. It’s what makes Kobari Beef The English Patient of Panda Express dishes, and I’m surprised I didn’t fall asleep while eating it.

When I heard Panda Express was doing a Korean dish, it seems a bit odd to me because if you ask some people, they’ll say Panda Express doesn’t even do Chinese very well. But I’m a Panda Express fan and there is a very short list of their dishes that I won’t eat, most of which include shrimp, which I am allergic to. However, that list got a little longer because of Kobari Beef.

While I may not enjoy it, others probably will and if Kobari Beef becomes successful, it could encourage Panda Express to create menu items from other Asian cuisines and give them names that sound like profanity from their respective languages.

(Nutrition Facts – 5.3 ounces – 210 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express Kobari Beef
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Size: 5.3 ounces
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Uses leeks. Wide variety of vegetables used. Other Panda Express choices. Decent calorie count. Good source of protein. Knowing how to swear in other languages. Putting some kochu in my mouth.
Cons: The English Patient of Panda Express dishes. Boring and bland. Weak sauce. Not having a Korean translator handy. Awesome source of sodium. Kobari sounds like a Korean swear word.

On September 22, Panda Express will release Kobari Beef from their gigantic woks.

It’s the first quasi-Korean dish available from the quasi-Chinese fast food joint.

The Korean-style barbeque beef dish is being described as sweet, smoky and spicy. It combines slices of marinated tri-tip beef, seared mushrooms, freshly cut leeks, onions, and red bell peppers with a “Kobari sauce.”

Kobari Beef will be available for a limited time.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Missing out on St. Patrick’s Day festivities because you don’t like drinking green beer? Don’t worry. If you drink a lot of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes your vomit will be just as green. (via Gigi Reviews)

Many Japanese people enjoy things from Hawaii, so I’m disappointed the Meiji Poifull isn’t full of poi. (via Candyblog)

Many Japanese people also enjoy fermented cow’s milk. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Panda Express has a new honey walnut shrimp. I’m allergic to shellfish, so just thinking about them makes me a little itchy. (via Brand Eating)

Teddy Grahams now comes in a banana flavor, but I’m still waiting for them to make another flavor that starts with the letter B — bear. (via I Ate A Pie)

I can’t believe Arby’s has popcorn chicken. But I also can’t believe Arby’s is still business. (via Grub Grade)