REVIEW: Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice

Last summer, I reviewed Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice (or Water Ice where I’m from) and it certainly deserved a perfect ten rating. I mean, seriously, if this thing was in a figure skating competition, it would have wowed the judges, even the hard as nails Russian judge who gives everyone, probably including his or her mama, extremely low scores.

If the Swedish Fish Italian Ice was on this season of Dancing With The Stars, it could call Kate Gosselin a terrible mother, motorboat Pam Anderson’s wonder titties and tell Buzz Aldrin the moon landing was filmed at a sound stage in West Hollywood and it would still be adored by the judges and the other “celebrities.” Unfortunately, Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice wouldn’t be able to get away with any of this, despite Peeps being oddly adorable and resembling a yellow-colored piece of Tamagotchi poop.

Or maybe it could, because it turns out Peeps have a massive following. Heck, there’s even an entire store that only has Peeps paraphernalia. I know a lot of people are part of some fandom, but Peeps? Come on, even the Trekkies think these single, middle-aged women with seven cats fans are nerds. If you can’t get enough of Peeps after buying a year’s supply, a “Hanging With My Peeps” t-shirt and a Swarovski crystal pin from the Peeps store, you always can check out a website called Peeps Show and bask in good ol’ fashioned, sticky and sweet marshmallow-flavored food porn.

Like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, there’s more than one way to eat a Peep. Some people create Peepsicles (why does typing that give me the willies?) by freezing them, others eat them au natural, some people deep-fry them, and a few single, middle-aged women who have waaaaay too many pictures of their cats in their work cubicle hardcore fans prefer them stale and hard. For those of you who have never had the sugary pleasure of eating a Peep, it’s just marshmallow (sugar) coated with colored sugar (more sugar). So basically, it tastes like sugar, and so does the Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice, except in frozen form. This proves once again that Rita’s is wonderful at developing flavors that taste exactly like its non-frozen counterpart.

I haven’t had Peeps in years, but this frozen version brought back memories of why I never liked them. It’s sickening sweet, and this is coming from a person who sometimes adds Splenda to her Frosted Flakes. It’s so sugary that a regular-sized Peeps Ice will provide enough sugar to fuel an evening of fist pumping at a club, while wearing a dress that shows one’s lady bits, like a true guidette.

Rita’s has dozens of Italian ice flavors that are far superior, and which are also much more Italian and colorful than Snookie, so I won’t be purchasing another Peeps Italian Ice. If the taste of pure sugar doesn’t turn you off, maybe its radioactive yellow color will. Or maybe the line of single, middle-aged women who smell like cat litter hardcore fans who want to try this frozen variation of their favorite treat will.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 regular cup – 320 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% vitamin C.)

Item: Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice
Price: $2.39
Size: Regular
Purchased at: Rita’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like Peeps. Playing with Peeps. Deep-fried anything. Smaller quantity is enough. Peepsicles. Rita’s Swedish Fish Ice. Peeps bling bling.
Cons: Way too sweet. Fist-pumping. Creepy Peeps fangirls. Even creepier Peeps fanboys. 80-year-old Buzz Aldrin punching you in the face. Cleaning up Tamagatchi dookie. Rotten teeth.

REVIEW: Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice

The country of Sweden is known for many things, like disco songs about dancing queens who are jailbait, safe cars, oddly shaped furniture and, according to every single porno and Spike TV’s MANswers, easy, big-boobed blonde chicks.

However, to American children Sweden is known for its candied fish (and maybe the easy, big-boobed blonde chicks, thanks to issues of Penthouse). Unlike the country of Sweden, Swedish Fish are diverse and come in several flavors like lime, lemon, Salmiak purple and the iconic red. Apparently, nobody can identify what flavors red and purple are since they are unique to the candy. Swedish Fish are pretty much wine gums.

I fell in love with this type of candy over ten years ago during a vacation to Europe. Being eleven, I thought there was actual wine in these chewy candies. So, of course, when I brought them back and gave some to my friends, we acted “buzzed.” When I later found out there wasn’t any booze in them, I of course didn’t tell my friends, who continued to act like miniature Courtney Loves.

I can now relive those days thanks to Rita’s new Swedish Fish Italian Ice.

When I go to Rita’s, I usually get my standard mint chocolate chip, cherry, chocolate or mango treat, but the other day while walking in a rainstorm to get some (I will brave the elements for Rita) I saw a sign for the new flavor and I just wanted to get on my knees and thank whoever came up with this heavenly concoction. Of course, I didn’t actually do that, but even if I did, it wouldn’t be the craziest thing to see in Center City, Philadelphia. It’s nothing compared to seeing the 250 pound cross-dresser with a blonde wig and a R.I.P Dale Earnhardt tattoo.

As you can tell, if you’re not colored blind, the Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice is the red flavor. If you’re wondering what the hell Italian Ice is, it’s slush or whatever you may call it in your respected region of the globe. I apologize in advance if you have never tasted what I call, “The Nectar of the Gods.” After trying it, I swear to you, life became a little bit brighter, I could hear angels singing sweet songs and my tongue was pretty much saying, “MORE! MORE! MORE!”

It’s THAT good.

The Swedish Fish Italian Ice tastes exactly like the candy. There is no denying that it’s Swedish Fish flavored. In fact, it’s better than the candy because the texture and coldness really brings out the flavor. I’m a fan of the Slurpee, but their flavors (with the exception of Pepsi and Coca-Cola) tend to only resemble the actual flavor.

Like all Rita’s Italian Ices, the Swedish Fish flavor comes in three sizes — kids, regular and large — and I’m sad that I only got a regular, because it’s THAT good. I also suggest if you’re near a Rita’s location, try this flavor ASAP, because unlike the songs of ABBA, it will be around for only a limited time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 regular cup – 320 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% vitamin C.)

Item: Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice
Price: $2.60 (varies by location)
Size: Regular Size
Purchased at: Rita’s
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tastes exactly like red Swedish Fish. Fat free. Texture and temperature makes it taste better than the actual candy. Sweden’s many great contributions to the world of low priced furniture, safe automobiles, disco anthems and easy women. Having a Rita’s location within walking distance to get my fix.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Swedish stereotypes. Disco songs that get stuck in my head. Rita’s isn’t available everywhere. Salmiak-flavored Swedish Fish is not available in America.