REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

When Taco Bell introduced the Doritos Locos Taco (DLT), it revolutionized not only midnight-munchies runs, but also the whole fast food world. I used to be an occasional T-Bell visitor, but once I had a DLT I quickly became a junkie. I haven’t eaten a normal hard shell taco since, and I don’t think I could. They’re just so primitive and outdated now.

Eating a normal taco shell would be like hitting a piñata filled with candy; you know what you’re going to get out of it. But eating a DLT, now that’d be like hitting a piñata filled with candy AND $100 bills.

New shell flavors came out over time in Fiery, Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch, but there was still room to improve. T-Bell thought adding a spicy chicken and sauce into the mix could do this, so the Cool Ranch Spicy Chicken DLT was made.

They apparently got the idea after people constantly defied the menu and substituted chicken for beef. Maybe some people are just too good to eat 88 percent beef?

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Innards

The chicken is the same as it is in other T-Bell poultry-based items except it’s been marinated in some kind of hot sauce. Or tossed in the sauce. Or the sauce was poured on it. I don’t know I didn’t make it. Use your imagination! Regardless of how it was made, the chicken was exceptional.

In addition to the kicked-up chicken there’s a “Fiery” hot sauce on the taco as well. I was kind of skeptical about this because I worried there would be too many flavors. You have the cool ranch on the outside, the spicy chicken and the hot sauce on the inside. That’s three different tastes right there. Take into account the sour cream that will be in the supreme one, and that’s four flavors.

I did indeed get one of my two tacos supreme style, and that’s where we’ll start.

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Goo

The supreme version was a supreme mess. There’s not tons of room in these shells to begin with, and when you add two sauces things get crowded real quick. The hot sauce was oozing from the side of the taco the whole time and kept getting all over my hands. I’m a bit of a picky Pete about messy eating, and this really bugged me.

As for the taste, it was okay but there was just too much inside and the flavors kind of counteract each other. You’ve got the cooling ranch from the shell, two different hot sauces on the inside, and another cooling agent in sour cream. No one flavor stands out and it’s kind of disappointing. I could barely taste the shell on the supreme style, probably because of all that was going on inside the taco.

The regular taco was much better and is, in my opinion at least, the better route to go. It was not nearly as messy, and, more importantly, you could taste everything you’re supposed to taste. It is called a Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch DLT, and in the supreme I didn’t taste cool ranch at all and barely got the spicy chicken flavor.

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Shell

In the regular taco the shell’s flavor was very noticeable, and it combined nicely with the spicy chicken and hot sauce. The hot sauce isn’t over-the-top, but it’s still got some nice zing to it and you’ll want some sort of cool beverage on hand when you eat it.

Getting back to the sour cream, I can’t stress how much of an unnecessary component it is in the taco’s equation. It’s like when you see a really nice sports car driving down the street, but when it gets closer you notice the owner put some cheesy-ass decals on the side of it, such as flames or fake bullet holes. Weak sauce.

I’ll still get the supreme version of the other DLTs because I find them better that way, but this one has enough going for it already, and sour cream just ruins it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go search for one of those magical piñatas that was mentioned earlier…

(Nutrition Facts – Supreme – 200 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 410 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 11 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco
Purchased Price: $1.59 (Regular)
Purchased Price: $1.89 (Supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Regular)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Supreme)
Pros: Spicy chicken was delicious. Cool ranch goes well with spicy flavors. Midnight-munchies runs. Magic piñatas.
Cons: Supreme style was pretty sloppy. Sour cream covered up too much flavor. Not knowing where to start looking for magic piñatas.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Sausage Breakfast Burrito

Taco Bell Sausage Breakfast Burrito Outside

The breakfast burrito encompasses everything that is a guilty pleasure. Eggy richness covered with melty cheese and salty bits of luscious fatty meat, all wrapped in a convenient flour tortilla. Like a grilled cheese sandwich, it echoes comfort and its simple ingredients combine together to create a complex equation of deliciousness.

Long story short, a breakfast burrito (like a grilled cheese) balances on a thin line between awesome and Shitsville.

Taco Bell has toyed with the idea of a breakfast menu longer than Dan Aykroyd has tinkered with endless versions of Ghostbusters III. I remember when I was an undergrad, the Taco Bell in the student union had makeshift breakfast burritos with tater tots, eggs, and cheese in them. I have no idea if these were sanctioned or official but I knew I ate those bastards without consideration to anything, including my girlfriend’s stupid vegan rule.

Every time I heard Taco Bell was testing its breakfast menu, I would pray to the Bell loudly that Orlando would be chosen, but to no avail. And now a few years or so, everyone gets their chance to partake in this once mythical menu.

We all know by 2032, as Demolition Man taught us, that Taco Bell wins the fast food wars; sex involves no touching and sleek headgear; and Wesley Snipes did more than skipping out on taxes. I’m going to make an educated guess that the breakfast burrito was not one of the contributions that led Taco Bell to win that war.

Taco Bell Sausage Breakfast Burrito Inside

As soon as I bit into the burrito, I knew I made a mistake larger than the last woman who dated Chris Brown. Cheap shot aside, the eggs were chalky and powdery tasting. Normally in a breakfast burrito, the eggs are the binding ingredient that amplifies the other flavors. However, this egg was gritty, bland and just sat there like it gave up on doing much.

Taco Bell states you get a “double portion of fluffy scrambled eggs.” They couldn’t even get that right because my portion was more like Keira Knightly-sized, let alone fluffy.

Collapsing even further was the dreadful, droopy and less than present flavor of the cheddar cheese. There is more cheese flavor to be found if you sucked your cousin’s fingers after they ate a bag of cheese puffs. The cheddar cheese was mostly crusted up which only served to emphasize the boring and apathetic eggs.

You do get a choice of bacon or sausage for your breakfast burrito. I decided on sausage to avoid the old trap that bacon makes everything taste better. It does not…but in any case, I just wanted to stay away from the sweet crispy lull of bacon.

The sausage was as depressing as the rest of the other elements. It was like Ron Jeremy. Greasy, hard in some parts, and unpleasantly fatty. The sausage was also dull and devoid of the punch of spices we are accustomed to in fast food sausage.

To call this a letdown is as much as an understatement as if I said, “I’m sad” after catching my wife getting jackhammered by the mailman. I was in disbelief that a chain that can make fast food burritos well, screwed up this badly. I think if I chewed on my Fleshlight, there would be more flavor.

What about the positives? Frankly, the only one I can think of is that it’s served until 11:00am, or at least the one in my area. The flour tortilla kept everything warm, so I suppose that’s a mediocre plus.

I have a rule that has guided me very well in general regarding going out to eat. If a restaurant can’t make a staple dish well, most likely the rest of their menu is going to suck. For example, if you go to a Chinese restaurant and the egg rolls or fried rice are damn awful, you can bet the Peking duck is going to flatline harder than M. Night Shyamalan’s most recent movie. I mean if you go to your neighborhood Italian restaurant and the eggplant parmesan tastes like crap, do you really think the kitchen can handle the acqua pazza? Hell no!

Taco Bell Sausage Breakfast Burrito

Bottom line, Taco Bell couldn’t make their breakfast burrito rise like a morning woodster, which stinks because I am less enthused about trying their other breakfast offerings. This review made me realize two things. One, I think I’ll stick to what Taco Bell knows best, the “fourth” meal that comes after a night of hard drinking involving lots of scotches and martinis. Two, movies based on the future are stupid lies.

(Nutrition Facts – 470 calories, 250 calories from fat, 28 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 210 milligrams of cholesterol, 930 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Sausage Breakfast Burrito
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It’s served until 11:00 a.m. The flour tortilla keeps everything nice and warm. The girlfriend who is now my wife. Makes you appreciate the regular menu. Wesley Snipes in Expendables III (it’s not out but who cares, that movie looks awesome!!!)
Cons: That they serve this at all. The gritty eggs. The flavorless cheddar cheese. The girlfriend who made me eat vegan foods. The grizzle of the sausage. Wesley Snipes in Blade III.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Waffle Taco (Bacon and Sausage)

Taco Bell Waffle Tacos

Let’s face it. The only thing most of you care about on Taco Bell’s breakfast menu is their Waffle Taco, because almost everything else consists of the same ingredients in a flour tortilla.

Begin sarcasm.

A flour tortilla taco with bacon, eggs, and cheese! Ooooh! A flour tortilla burrito with sausage, egg, and cheese! Wonderful! Sausage, egg, cheese, and hash browns wrapped in a flour tortilla! Whoa!

End sarcasm.

Taco Bell Waffle Taco Box

While Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco also contains scrambled eggs, cheese, and either bacon or sausage, it delivers them in something that is definitely not a flour tortilla — a five-inch round waffle that’s curved like a taco. And all of that comes in a container with the words, “Right now I’m eating a Waffle Taco and you’re not,” which, when holding the box in public, kind of makes me look like an asshole. Thanks, Taco Bell!

You have the option of having your Waffle Taco come with either bacon or a sausage patty. But if you also have the option of eating breakfast somewhere else, I’d take that option because both are horribly disappointing. But if you don’t have that third option, go for the sausage because it’s slightly better tasting than the bacon, which are chewy little bits of pork that have very little bacon flavor.

Taco Bell Bacon Waffle Taco

It’s really frustrating to see Taco Bell go the bacon bits route, but it’s even more frustrating that they didn’t go with a better bacon. Over the past few years, many of the big fast food chains have upgraded their bacon from chewy, almost flavorless slices that don’t deserve to be called bacon to thick, savory, and sometimes crispy slices of Applewood smoked bacon. Those fast food chains are at Bacon 2.0, while Taco Bell settled with Bacon 1.0.

Taco Bell Sausage Waffle Taco

As I mentioned earlier, the sausage patty is slightly better. But that advantage is similar to drowning and drowning while being circled by sharks. While it does spoon very nicely with the curved waffle, it’s not seasoned very well, allowing its flavor to be easily masked by the syrup, which comes in a container that looks small, but contains more than enough sticky stuff to dump on your breakfast taco. There’s nothing special about the syrup’s flavor; it’s just generic pancake syrup. However, I found that the more I used, the greater the number of napkins I needed. This might explain one of the reasons why it comes in a box, instead of a paper wrapper. I guess the box not only helps keep the waffle from laying flat, it’s also a syrup drip catcher.

One of the characteristics that makes a waffle a waffle is its crispy exterior, but this waffle is disappointingly floppy and soft, which Taco Bell will probably claim has never happened before, doesn’t know what’s wrong, and definitely thinks you’re sexy. But I guess it has to be floppy if it’s going to be folded like that. The eggs are fluffish, but are more bland than the bacon and sausage. A little butteriness would’ve helped. As for the cheese…yeah, that’s not going to make a difference.

For something that’s been tested for almost a year, I’m surprised by how bad these Taco Bell Waffle Tacos are. They’re supposed to hit your jaw with the 1-2 combo of sweet and savory, but it’s mostly sweet. Even without the syrup, the savory is seriously missing. I’ll admit, they don’t lack imagination, but they do lack flavor.

(Nutrition Facts – Bacon – 320 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein. Sausage – 370 calories, 210 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 550 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein. .)

Item: Taco Bell Waffle Taco (Bacon and Sausage)
Purchased Price: $2.79*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Bacon)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Sausage)
Pros: Most interesting item on the Taco Bell breakfast menu. Syrup container might be small, but there’s more than enough syrup for one waffle taco. Sausage version is slightly better than the bacon one.
Cons: Soft and floppy waffle; not crispy at all. Sausage and bacon have very little flavor. Eggs could’ve used some butteriness. Mostly sweet, very little savory. Box it comes in makes me feel like a douchebag. Messy.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

QUICK REVIEW: Taco Bell XXL Steak Crispy Taco

Taco Bell XXL Crispy Steak Taco

Purchased Price: $3.89*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Holy cow there’s a lot of steak in this taco. Steak is easy to chew; no tough parts. Taco shell seemed sturdier than Taco Bell’s regular taco shell. It’s noticeably larger than a regular Taco Bell Crunchy Taco. Surprisingly filling. To be honest, it kind of makes me wish there was a XXL Doritos Locos Taco.
Cons: Reduced fat sour cream dampens the avocado ranch sauce’s flavor, making the whole taco taste a bit boring. Steak itself didn’t have much flavor. Because of its size, it needed two Taco Bell sauce packets to give it better flavor. Like with the Taco Supreme, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese fall out too easily.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

Taco Bell XXL Crispy Steak Taco Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 430 calories, 220 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 24 grams of protein.

QUICK REVIEW: Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho

Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho

Purchased Price: $1.79*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Great value for its size (each side is about seven inches). Super cheesy thanks to TWO nacho sauces (the usual Taco Bell nacho cheese sauce and their new zesty nacho sauce). It smells like the wonderful Crunchwrap. Six grams of fiber.
Cons: There isn’t much flavor beyond the seasoned beef and cheese. Most of the red tortilla strips were soggy. New zesty nacho sauce wasn’t zesty enough for me. Seems like another Taco Bell product except in a different form. Reduced fat sour cream gets lost among the two nacho sauces and is just lubricant that allows the seasoned beef to fall out easier. The word “stuft” still bothers me and my computer’s spellcheck.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll pay less than I did.

Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Nacho Innards

Nutrition Facts: 570 calories, 290 calories from fat, 32 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 960 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.