Taco Bell’s new A.M. Crunchwrap is exactly how I imagined it in my greasy dreams. Sadly, only available at Taco Bell locations that offer breakfast, which is zero here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Lisa Jennings, writing for Nation’s Restaurant News:

The new breakfast version features scrambled eggs, cheese and a choice of bacon or sausage instead of beef. And in place of the crispy inner tostada shell, the A.M. Crunchwrap features a hash brown patty. Those ingredients are then wrapped in a soft flour tortilla and grilled.

I can’t wait see what I dream of the next time I eat a Taco Bell FourthMeal and fall asleep soon after.

First off, I have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because her face isn’t shown ad nauseam on the Food Network.

Secondly, I also have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. But she shouldn’t feel bad because I also don’t have one and you probably don’t have one, so she’s in good company.

Thirdly, I wonder if she would slap Guy Fieri in the face for me if I gave her metal gloves to protect her hands from his spiky hair?

Finally, she’s making Taco Bell all fancy and shit, and I don’t like it. For years, it’s been the late night place for those under the influence who order menu items with funny names that sound even funnier to them when they say it over and over again. CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA!

They also sound like the noise drunk people make when they throw up. The new Cantina Bowl and Cantina Burrito Ms. Garcia helped develop for Taco Bell don’t have funny names or sound like someone puking. Although, every time I hear or say the word “cantina,” the music from the Mos Eisley Cantina scene in Star Wars, when Han Solo is introduced, plays in my head.

These ingredients she’s using sound too classy for the usual Taco Bell clientele. Citrus-herb marinated chicken, cilantro rice, and cilantro dressing? Taco Bell regulars aren’t used to eating their herbs, they’re used to smoking their herbs. Although, they’re going to laugh at the fact she’s using Hass avocados.

But those under the influence will be impressed with the size of Taco Bell’s Cantina Burrito. They’ll be like, “It’s the size of my arm, man. It’s like I’m eating my forearm.” Although, it’s not even close to being Chipotle-thick.

The Steak Cantina Burrito I bought was stuffed with grilled and marinated steak, cilantro rice, black beans, guacamole made from the aforementioned and funny Hass avocados, pico de gallo, roasted corn & pepper salsa, Romaine lettuce, and a creamy cilantro dressing. Despite all those ingredients, I have to say the Steak Cantina Burrito’s flavor was extremely disappointing. It was as boring as a lecture about world economics of the 1800s. As I was eating through it, and there’s a lot to eat, I thought to myself, “I’m getting no pleasure out of this. I think I could get more flavor from stamp licking.”

I know there was a lot cilantro dressing in it because it dripped out of the bottom of my burrito. The guacamole also oozed out, but it didn’t provide much flavor. The steak was tender and didn’t taste any different than the stuff inside Taco Bell’s Triple Steak Stack. As for the rice and beans, they made for an awesome burrito filler and fiber giver.

The only explanation I could come up with for its blandness is that the flour tortilla dampens the ingredients in the burrito, because the Chicken Cantina Bowl, which contains the same parts as the burrito minus the steak and tortilla, was delicious.

Taco Bell’s Chicken Cantina Bowl was hearty, brought back memories of my beloved Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, and made me rethink my objections to Lorena Garcia turning Taco Bell “all fancy and shit.” The vegetable-filled picture above makes the Cantina Bowl look more like a Cantina Salad, but I assure you, there’s rice, chicken, and beans under dem greens.

Without a flour tortilla restricting flavors like a culinary straitjacket, I thought the flavors would do a culinary run around naked with their arms flailing and screaming obscenities, but it wasn’t like that. The marinated chicken was better tasting than the usual chicken Taco Bell uses, but the guacamole lacked a strong avocado flavor and the cilantro dressing was light, along with the pico de gallo and roasted corn & pepper salsa. However, everything as a whole was damn satisfying. I enjoyed it several times more than the Steak Cantina Burrito.

The Chicken Cantina Bowl doesn’t have a bold flavor. Instead, it has a wonderful mild flavor that should appeal more to mature taste buds, and not drunk/high college kids who, thanks to the weed and/or alcohol they purchased, only have a few bucks to spend on Gorditas and Chalupas, which they may throw up later.

(Nutrition Facts – Steak Cantina Burrito – 750 calories, 28 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 2040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein. Chicken Cantina Bowl – 560 calories, 22 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1520 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cantina Burrito & Cantina Bowl reviews:
So Good Blog
Junk Food Betty
Grub Grade

Item: Taco Bell Cantina Menu (Cantina Burrito & Cantina Bowl)
Purchased Price: $6.19* (Cantina Burrito)
Purchased Price: $6.49* (Cantina Bowl)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Steak Cantina Burrito)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chicken Cantina Bowl)
Pros: Cantina Bowl was hearty and had a wonderful mild flavor. Cantina Burrito was the size of my forearm. Citrus-herb marinated chicken was better than Taco Bell’s usual chicken. Awesome source of fiber.
Cons: Pricey for those who just spent a whole bunch of money on booze or weed. Steak Cantina Burrito lacks flavor. Flour tortilla holds back flavor like a culinary straitjacket. Lorena Garcia lacking a Wikipedia page. Awesome source of sodium.

*here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we pay a bit more for our Taco Bell.

Are you tired of Living Más with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco?

Well, your Taco Bell jonesing taste buds will get to try something different this week when the fast food chain releases their new Beefy Nacho Burrito for only 99 cents.

The latest menu item consists of a flour tortilla stuffed with seasoned beef, Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, and their new Queso Strips, which are crunchy queso-seasoned chips. Taco Bell’s Beefy Nacho Burritos, not to be confused with their Beefy Crunch Burrito or their Beefy 5-Layer Burrito, is supposed to taste like nachos wrapped in a burrito. It’s not a big burrito. At 6.7 ounces, it’s slightly lighter than a Taco Bell bean burrito.

As we mentioned earlier, the Beefy Nacho Burrito will be available for just 99 cents. It’s also available as part of a $3.99 combo, which includes two crunchy tacos and a large drink.

Source: Grub Grade

I imagine the executives in the Taco Bell wing of Yum! Brands sitting in their secret think tank. The foreboding hidden base is heavily fortified by seven layers of sour cream, guacamole, seasoned rice, beans, cheese, and tomatoes. Security guards armed with squirt bottles filled with “Fire” sauce ready to squeeze into the face of any unwelcome visitors.

Preening and fretting in their dark tailored suits, the executives were going over the 3rd quarter sales while trying to figure out the next big thing. “We need something that will put us at the Gorditop!” shouted Mr. CEO. “We need the public to get Chalupexcited again!!”

“I sure love Doritos,” said Executive One as he mowed in such sloppy fashion, leaving orange fingerprints on the papers he shuffled. Narrowing his eyes, Executive Three had an idea. She scribbled her notes in a frantic manner as everyone at the long conference table stared at her.

While clearing her throat, she asked, “What if we joined with Frito-Lay and asked them to make a big ass Doritos taco shell?” The silence was uncomfortable as everyone’s eyes now laid on Mr. CEO. More awkward silence and Executive Three began to wonder if the position at Taco Viva was still available.

“Get me Frito-Lay!” Mr. CEO gruffly said into the intercom. “…And give Executive Three the keycard to the grand executive bathroom with the chaise lounge! Begin phase one of our Meximeltamaster plan!” (Cue brooding evil music)

That is how I imagine the origins of the Doritos Locos Tacos began, but I am sure that it is much more mundane. I love Taco Bell. I love Doritos. Not since the team up of Marvel and DC comics in the late 90′s where they gave birth to joint character, “Access”, have I been looking forward to a shared creation.

Taco Bell and Frito-Lay should be commended. I am sure amongst the egos, logistics, and red tape; both companies eloquently persevered through all of it. And unlike the maligned superhero “Access”, I suspect that this product will prove to be popular with the consumers out there. I mean it’s a freaking taco with a nacho cheese Doritos shell. Gluttony be damned, this thing is tasty to put it directly.

Now we all know that Taco Bell has recently encountered controversy whether the beef is real. Coupled with the “pink slime” stories making the rounds at news outlets, some of you may still be put off by the idea. Look it’s Taco Bell, it’s the handjobs of food. We’re not talking about a meal worthy of Michelin stars or a dissertation of what the “chef” thought about when creating this. It’s Taco Bell and if you don’t like at least one item from the dependable Bell, you have no soul.

Excited I rode my scooter up to the drive-thru and bought the handy Doritos Locos Tacos big box. Each kit contains a burrito supreme, normal taco and a Doritos Locos taco (sauce packets not included so get out of your introverted shell and ask). By the way, is it me or don’t you love the way they are simplifying things and just handing you a box?

Anyhoolies, the Doritos Locos Taco is basically a taco supreme dressed up in a giant Doritos chip. It’s akin to exchanging your shorts and Stereolab t-shirt for a pair of Banana Republic boot cut jeans and a black blazer. So if you do not like Taco Bell or their taco (you soulless bastard) then this item is not going to persuade you to turn.

The wrapping of the taco is decorated with bold typeface proclaiming things such as “Awesome!” and “Doritos!” It put a tingle in my reconstructed metal reinforced spine. Tossing the paper, I am greeted by the smells of alpha male beefiness that is tempered by the crisp scent of lettuce. My urge to ravish this taco was uncontrollable but first I had to remove the additional wrap that said “Taco Bell on the inside. Doritos on the outside.” Yes, voice in my head, I will do your bidding.

The richness of the beef in the taco sauce balanced extremely well with the generous amount of crunchy shreds of lettuce. The tomato bits were slightly sweet and added a necessary acidic touch. Additionally the cold milky sour cream is pleasant with the warm taco meat. I don’t know if it is real sour cream or something made in the back with powder, Taco Bell’s sour cream is aces. If I could buy the sour cream, I would and brush my teeth with it.

The cheddar cheese scattered in the taco didn’t really do much for me on its own. It was on the lettuce so it’s not melted and the bits are so thin, it was almost flavorless. A taco, however, is a complete package. Unless you are psychopath, no one deconstructs a taco and eats each part separately. The cheese makes its personality known when you eat everything as a whole, as it accentuated the creaminess in texture.

Be careful, my taco fell apart after a couple of bites. Sometimes the sauce will soak through the shell and the end result is messy. The filling slathered my hands like the worst but most delicious lotion ever.

The nacho cheese Doritos shell adds a slight punch of saltiness to the taco that gives it a satisfying full mouth flavor. The shell alone has a slight smoky flavor that lends well to the taco. This is not a gimmick alone, the shell makes a difference. The shades of salt and vinegar from the nacho Doritos shell compliment the taco very well.

I bought the taco twice from two different Taco Bell locations to ensure consistency and taste. They were both identical and damn yummy. One notable drawback is if you wait too long to eat the taco, it will get soggy within its package. That’s not the fault of Taco Bell, it is only natural that occurs.

I believe these should be available at Taco Bell’s near you as most of the ones around me carry it. The Doritos Locos Taco is pure sadomasochistic joy joy for your tongue. The wrapper says “Celebrate Awesomeness” and yes, every time you bite into one of these you are doing just that.

(Nutrition facts – 1 taco – 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 9 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco reviews:
Tampa Bay Food Monster
That Bootleg Guy
The Smidview
An Immovable Feast

Item: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco
Price: $1.79 just for the taco or $5.00 for the box (which includes a normal taco and burrito supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased: Taco Bell
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The Doritos shell adds depth and flavor. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you like them. Great texture. All the tastes balance extremely well. Gimmick or not, this taco is delicious. Darkclaw.
Cons: Soggy if you don’t eat it right away. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you do not like them. Unhealthy but you have to live once in a while. Falls apart at times. Access.

At first, I didn’t understand why Taco Bell would call their new breakfast the “First Meal.” Why don’t they just call it “breakfast” like any normal fast food joint would? But then I began to see their logic. Taco Bell has their Fourth Meal, which tends to be eaten late at night by drunk people. Of course, Taco Bell can’t call it Late Night Drunken Meal, so the name Fourth Meal was born.

So perhaps the First Meal is meant for hungover people trying to recuperate from a night of booze. Of course, Taco Bell can’t call it Hangover Recovery Meal, so they came up with the name First Meal. Sounds logical to me.

Taco Bell’s First Meal will be available, starting this week, at 750 locations in 10 states. Yes, just 10 out of the 50 states in this great country, which doesn’t seem so great anymore because not every one of them is getting the First Meal this week.

Taco Bell’s First Meal menu is made up of 11 new products, which includes coffee, orange juice, breakfast burritos, sausage and egg wraps, and Cinnabon Delights (fried dough balls with cream filling). Our friends over at Grub Grade have more information about the menu and pricing.

Some of the states that will offer the First Meal menu include California, Arizona, Colorado, and Texas. But not every location in these states will offer the breakfast menu.

By 2014, Taco Bell hopes to have 5,800 locations serving breakfast. Wow. That’s a lot of time and a lot of missed hungover people Taco Bell could’ve sold their Hangover Recovery Meal…I mean, First Meal to.

According to Nation’s Restaurant News, Taco Bell has big plans for 2012.

I was hoping they would bring back the Yo Quiero Taco Bell Chihuahua, but instead they’re finally doing the national roll out of the Doritos Locos Taco, offering breakfast at locations in the West, and introducing a lineup of upgraded tacos and other menu items called Chef’s Signature.

To help develop the Chef’s Signature line, Taco Bell brought in Miami-based chef Lorena Garcia as a consultant, who doesn’t have a show on the Food Network, so I don’t know who she is. Garcia also helped the chain improve many of its ingredients, like marinades and seasonings. The Taco Bell Chef’s Signature lineup will debut sometime next year.

As for breakfast, Taco Bell plans to roll out its morning menu to 800 locations in the West early next year. The breakfast menu will be called…yup, you guessed it, the First Meal.

Source: NRN