REVIEW: Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread

I’ve never worked as a server (big ups to those who have), but if I ever decide to apply as one I know exactly where my first choice would be.

Hooters.

It’s not because I’m oddly turned on by overweight, drunk gentlemen coppin’ a feel or I enjoy wearing orange spandex shorts on a daily basis. Heck, I don’t even sign my name with a cute little heart at the end. My desire to work at Hooters is based purely on my love and devotion to buffalo chicken. Although, I probably would get fired for stealing buffalo wings off of plates and serving a bunch of chicken bones to horny hungry men with my mouth area covered in a red sauce that could be mistaken as the war paint used by Amazon huntresses on the prowl for a new mate.

Although working for Hooters isn’t in the near future (or distant), I’m still able to get my buffalo chicken fix without having to get a boob job, a restraining order on a customer, or having to go into American Apparel to purchase orange hot pants from a male cashier rocking sideburns, aviator shades and orange hot pants. Thanks to the new Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread I can just walk a couple of blocks and get a hit of spicy chicken at any time of day. I could also walk a couple of blocks in the other direction and get my fix at any time of the day, if my buffalo chicken addiction was instead a crack addiction.

The Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread is one of those microwaveable deals; it’s not made to order unless you count them nuking it for you, but for a microwavable sandwich this thing is pretty glorious. Sometimes with pre-made sandwiches the chicken is chopped so small that you need the Hubble Telescope to find out if it’s actually chicken, but as you can see, there’s quite a bit of the cluck stuff in this as well as mild buffalo sauce, ranch dressing and tiny bleu cheese crumbles.

Despite the heavenly combo of grilled chicken, ranch dressing, bleu cheese crumbles and buffalo sauce, which was about as mild as Victorian Era porn, it would’ve been better if the chicken were pieces of buffalo wings and they added extra sauce so the spicy factor could go from PBS Masterpiece Theatre level to something worthy of an AVN Award.

Looking at the innards of the Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread made my stomach feel like it was being churned by an Amish girl because it looks like Michelle Duggar’s uterus; all messy and unrecognizable, but yet still able to hold a child. Speaking of pregnancies, the Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread made me feel like there was a massive food baby in my gut after consuming it.

FYI — It’s not fun giving birth to it either.

Since I’ve already made up my mind that I don’t want to be pregnant with human babies, the closest I’ll ever feel to carrying a child would be with food babies. I wouldn’t mind being knocked up by anything buffalo chicken-related since it’s my favorite food. However, I’d rather have a massive plate of Hooters wings impregnating me with spicy chicken goodness than the Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread.

Plus, I think it would be cute if the Hooters wings signed the birth certificate with a little heart.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 flatbread sandwich – 520 calories, 18 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 2020 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 38 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 25% iron.)

Item: Wawa Buffalo Chicken Flatbread
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 flatbread
Purchased at: Wawa
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Anything Buffalo chicken flavored. Hooters waitresses signing your check with a little heart. Wawa making is possible to get my buffalo chicken fix 24/7. Comfy American Apparel t-shirts. Using buffalo sauce as war paint.
Cons: Lots of sodium and cholesterol. Not made to order. Food babies. Not spicy enough. Bleu cheese crumbles were too small. The Duggar Family. Uncomfortable American Apparel hot pants.

REVIEW: Wawa Soft Pretzel

When I was just a mere reader of this intellectual review site, I would always scream, jump up and down and hit my computer like a wild spider monkey at the zoo that children flick pieces of popcorn at. I bet you’re wondering why on Earth I would do this. Well, it’s because I would see food reviews for delicious, mouth-watering and other trite adjectives used to describe fast food items that will leave a tattoo on your arteries from places such as Jack in the Box and Carl’s Jr. Those of us who were represented by The Notorious BIG in the East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995 are not able to experience a Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich or Del Taco Jalapeno Rings. Well, now it’s the Left Coast’s turn to cry tears of pain when they read reviews for items that only us near the Atlantic have the opportunity to devour.

Wawa is a chain of convenience stores that are located in the Mid-Atlantic. To compare it to a 7-Eleven is blasphemy. Here’s an example of a conversation between a Philadelphian and a tourist that has no clue what a Wawa is:

Tourist: “I’ve seen signs for a store called Wawa. Some have gas stations, and some don’t.”

Philly Guy: “Oh yeah, I go to Wawa every morning before work.”

Tourist: “So it’s like a 7-Eleven?”

Philly Guy: “Fuck You.”

How can you compare sandwiches made to order to oddly colored tubes of mystery meat heated by a sun lamp that slowly rotate while a loitering stoner stares for hours thinking that one of the hot dogs looks like a member of Phish? I’m not saying that 7-Eleven is awful; I do love the occasional Slurpee, but compared to Wawa, 7-Eleven is merely that chick from high school that’s popular, because she has a reputation for giving handjobs behind the bleachers.

The iconic Wawa Pretzel comes two to a package, connected in the middle. It’s much softer than a pretzel that you would get at a ballpark or from a street vendor. The doughy and slightly sticky texture makes it easier to eat without needing to have a chaser of water (or in Marvo’s case, a Throwback Pepsi) and the amount of salt on it is just about right. Although, like snowflakes, no Wawa Pretzel is alike. Some may have less salt, others more may have more salt, some could be harder than others (that’s what she said) and some could be softer than a 90-year-old man while watching Dancing With the Stars.

I’m sorry if I put a visual in your head.

Clocking in at 1040 milligrams of sodium for one pretzel doesn’t make this exactly health food, and 58 grams of carbs would probably make Robert Atkins roll in his grave. The pretzel is very heavy; in fact I could barely finish one before I could feel it expand in my stomach. It’s not something I could consume everyday, but for a carb craving it certainly does the trick.

(Nutrition Facts: Serving Size 1 pretzel-310 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 9 grams of protein. 2% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Wawa Soft Pretzel
Price: $1.38 plus tax
Size: 7.8 oz
Purchased at: Wawa Food Markets
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Not dry like most soft pretzels. Fills your belly up. Experiencing the wonder known as Wawa. The colorful vernacular of Philadelphians. Laughing at stoners trying to have a vision while they look at the rotating hot dogs at 7-Eleven.
Cons: More sodium than a healthy human should consume. The East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995. The image of a 90-year-old man’s problems.