As someone whose stomach has had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many different varieties of Hot Pockets, the new Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pockets tasted like a meat and cheese cocoon that the fine folks over at Nestle had released before.

After spending more time than anyone should on the Hot Pockets website, looking through the varieties like they were perps in a mugshot book, I realized this limited edition Hot Pocket didn’t taste like a previous regular Hot Pocket, it kind of tasted like these Fiesta Nacho Hot Pockets Snackers.

It’s not surprising since the bite-sized Snackers with its taco seasoned beef, Mexican-style cheese sauce, and jalapeños in a tortilla style crust looks on paper very similar to the spicy beef, reduced fat mozzarella, jalapeño peppers, onions, cheddar sauce, and seasoned crust that make up this limited edition Hot Pocket. It would’ve been cool if the meat and cheese cocoon also had tortilla chips inside of it, but I don’t know if frozen food technology has advanced to the point where it can keep chips crunchy in a Hot Pocket.

As the pocket got hot in my microwave, it made my kitchen smell like jalapeños, which got me thinking that these Hot Pockets were going to be spicy. They were, but not five-alarm spicy. It was more like a two-alarm spicy that instantly smacked my tongue around like I was making out with a first time French kisser. For me, water was unnecessary.

So instead of having the word “spicy” on fire on the front of the box, perhaps the letter I should’ve been a lit match, because it definitely wasn’t word-on-fire spicy. And while I’m talking graphic design, the word “spicy” is on fire, the word “beef” looks like it was branded, but nothing was done with the word “nacho” beyond some gradients. Come on, Hot Pockets graphic designer! Couldn’t you have made it look like cheese was dripping from it?

Speaking of cheese, why does this nacho-flavored Hot Pocket highlight mozzarella? The cheese isn’t what I would consider nacho-ey. But after spending more time than anyone should reading the ingredient label on a Hot Pockets box, I did also learn it has some cheddar, Monterey jack, parmesan, and swiss cheeses. Maybe having more cheddar would’ve helped the cheeses stand out because they get overwhelmed by the jalapeños and the almost too salty ground beef.

Overall, Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pocket’s flavor was good, thanks to the jalapeños, but not amazing. The only thing that was completely amazing about Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pocket was how its contents didn’t ooze out from the slightly crunchy crust while being microwaved, which, again, as someone whose stomach has had the pleasure and pain of experiencing many different varieties of Hot Pockets, I can say is a very rare occurrence.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pocket – 260 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 15% calcium, and 15% iron.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oils

Item: Limited Edition Spicy Beef Nacho Hot Pockets
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice jalapeño flavor. Innards didn’t ooze out while being microwaved. Slightly crunchy crust. Made my kitchen smell like jalapeños.
Cons: Beef was almost too salty. Not really a creative flavor. Cheese gets lost among the jalapeño and beef. Mozzarella being highlighted in a nacho Hot Pocket. No tortilla chips inside the Hot Pocket. Playing armchair graphic designer.

New year, new Limited Edition Lean Pocket.

I’ve reviewed a lot of Hot Pockets and Lean Pockets on this site… and I’ve realized that there comes a point when every Hot Pocket starts to taste the same. It could be because I’ve burned my mouth so many times eating these things that I’ve lost my sense of taste, but I think it goes deeper than that.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s clear that Lean Pockets and Hot Pockets come in a wide variety of flavors, and Hot/Lean Pocket connoisseurs would argue that each Hot/Lean Pocket is its own unique creation, like a snowflake… or a TSA patdown.

But let’s get real here.

There’s very little you can do to mess this thing up (see my previous entry on the Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pocket for examples of how this could be done) – it’s a toasted crust stuffed with meat, sauce, cheese and/or veggies. Culinary Rocket Science, it’s not. The result is that there’s never much to explore or even to improve upon with this fairly simple microwaveable sandwich, and the new Limited Edition Chicken Carbonara Lean Pocket does little to dissuade me of this notion.

The Limited Edition Chicken Carbonara Lean Pocket has a decent flavor but has little to distinguish itself from all the other Lean Pockets in the freezer aisle. It’s crispy, gooey, savory and piping hot just like a Lean Pocket should be. But the only thing making this Limited Edition Lean Pocket different from its toasty brethren is the inclusion of those tiny mushy globules we call peas. Did you know that carbonara sauce is a mixture of eggs, cheese, bacon and black pepper… and has nothing to do with peas?

Peas may populate carbonara dishes the world over now, but back in the day when carbonara was created (like in WWII or something), it was all about the eggs and bacon. Lean Pockets don’t care. Lean Pockets is all, “We’ve got your cured bacon, your Italian spices, and your parmesan cream sauce with peas, so dig in, you crazy carbonara lovers!” I don’t hate peas or anything, but you can’t depend on peas. We learned that in WWII.

Anyway, this thing also has mozzarella and grilled white meat chicken to accompany the bacon, peas and parmesan cream sauce. The chicken is okay, but the bacon is really the major selling point here. I don’t think that anyone can argue against the presence of bacon in this Lean Pocket. What’s better is that the bacon chunks seem to be evenly spread throughout the sandwich along with the parmesan cream sauce, creating a delicious mélange of savory flavors from end to end. As for the Italian style herb crust, it’s warm and crispy and good. No complaints here.

The Limited Edition Chicken Carbonara Lean Pockets aren’t all that different from some of the other Lean Pockets out there, especially those from the Culinary Creations line, which seem to specialize in seasoned crusts. If someone who hasn’t eaten nearly EVERY SINGLE Lean Pocket or Hot Pocket on the planet were to sample this new Chicken Carbonara Lean Pocket, they would probably delight in what they’d think is its amazingly unique flavor and composition.

I can’t, however.

My enthusiasm for this Lean Pocket is as dead as the skin on the roof of my mouth now.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 260 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 540 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 15% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Lean Pockets Limited Edition Chicken Carbonara
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Eternally hot. Creamy sauce. Delicious chunks of cured bacon. Crispy seasoned crust.
Cons: You can’t depend on peas. Mouth burns. Mid-century global conflicts. Lean Pockets don’t care.

It pretty much goes without saying that meat, egg, and cheese form the triumvirate of breakfast deliciousness in the grab-and-go world. It also goes without saying that this trinity of cholesterol, fat, and sodium will pretty much kill you if you eat too much of it and sit on your butt all day.

That is, unless you serve it up within the familiar packaging of Special K, which wants to rewards that hard butt-sitting at the office with a breakfast sandwich to keep you going without sending you into cardiac arrest.

There are a few things I give Special K the benefit of the doubt with. Cereal, obviously, is one of them. Making my girlfriend attempt contortionist yoga moves while pouring milk onto said cereal while wiggling into those skinny jeans would also be up there. Crafting a healthy breakfast sandwich that doesn’t taste rubbery or flavorless (here’s looking at you, Dunkin Donuts) isn’t.

That being said, I have an unhealthy and unrealistic expectation of box art on new grocery products and not a lot of time to spare for making breakfast in the morning, so I willingly stepped to the plate when it came to buying Special K’s new Flatbread Breakfast Sandwiches.

They must have been selling like hotcakes because there were only a few boxes of the Ham, Egg and Pepper Jack Flatbreads left on the morning I stopped by the store. If they tasted half as good as hotcakes, I might be inclined to make a joke about how I’d be on a fast track to becoming a fat dude. Except, since each flatbread is only 200 calories and packs 12 grams of protein, I guess I’d be on a fast track to being one skinny dude, which I already am.

Regular readers now know I’ve lived up to the stereotype about men and our inability to follow directions. However, in this case I followed the directions to a tee, right on down to microwaving my sandwich on a paper towel for 1 minute and 15 seconds and then letting it rest for one minute to ensure “even heating.” I followed the directions so closely that had I considered myself a child, I would have made sure to Skype my parents and have them supervise me.

After 2 minutes and 15 seconds my previously hard as a hockey puck flatbread had become warm and, to my utter bewilderment, slightly toasty. Worried the microwave process would render the bread component flimsy and soggy was a fear of mine going in, but aside from one spot where the cheese had overflowed to the side, the sandwich emerged almost as if it had a round at the number two setting in the toaster. Speaking of that cheese to the side deal, would it kill Special K to position the cheese to the middle? There’s not a lot of pepper jack to begin with, and having a sixth of my puny slice fed to the paper towel wasn’t, as the kids say, cool.

The sandwich itself isn’t half bad. Wow, I can’t believe I actually wrote that. Obviously it’s small, but the the eggs have a slightly buttery and salty flavor, with the cheese adding a really good, milky, and fatty richness that has all the melty goo and backheat you’d expect from pepper jack. Even the flatbread had a nice honey-oat flavor, which added a little sweetness and wholesomeness to the otherwise salty-heat of the eggs and cheese.

It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. The cheese lacks the coverage needed to goo-ify the entire sandwich, while the ham is dry and a bit chewy. Oh yea, did I mention that it was salty? Low calorie it might be, but with 30 percent of the RDA for salt (based on a 2,000 calorie diet) it’s not going to do your blood pressure any flavors. As much as I liked the pepper jack, the sandwich screams for a little sweetness, while a salsa component that adds tomatoes would go a long way to pushing a southwestern flavor profile.

I’m not willing start giving Special K the benefit of the doubt on other crap like chicken nuggets and french fries, but for the crowd who’ve been staring at those skinny jeans or just looking to mix-up the breakfast routine with a heated component, I admit these breakfast flatbreads could be a big hit. The texture isn’t bad at all for something that starts out in your freezer, and it definitely doesn’t taste like it’s low calorie. Still, a few minor tweaks would have gone a long way to making these way tastier, and maybe even a semi-regular buy for those of us not looking to add a few new yoga moves.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 flatbread – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, and 20% calcium)

Item: Special K Ham, Egg & Pepper Jack Cheese Flatbread Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 4 flatbreads
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cheese melts up nicely and has great milky flavor with spicy backheat. Flatbread maintains toasty texture with honey-oat taste. Eggs have buttery flavor. Ham is smoky. Tastier than Dunkin Donuts’ egg white flatbreads. Only 200 calories per sandwich. Reading directions. New yoga props.
Cons: Small. Tiny. Puny. Minuscule. Not recommended if you’re a grown man. Cheese doesn’t get full coverage over the egg. Ham is dry and chewy. Could use some kind of sweetness or relief. Saltier than the Dead Sea.

Since 2011, there have been several limited edition Hot Pockets. There’s the Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza, Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake, Chili Sauce Cheese Dog, and BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger. After the last two Limited Edition Hot Pockets releases, I began to wonder what new Hot Pockets varieties they could surprise us with next year (I hope it’s spaghetti and meatballs) and why there weren’t Limited Edition Lean Pockets.

Well, I no longer need to wonder about Limited Edition Lean Pockets, because, during a trip to Target, I discovered the Lean Pockets Limited Edition Three Cheese Tomato Melt. This particular Lean Pocket is made up of tomatoes, low fat mozzarella, reduced fat cheddar and provolone cheese with a creamy sauce in a seasoned crust.

So how lean are these Lean Pockets? One has 230 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 420 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

I’m not sure if this is the only Limited Edition Lean Pockets available right now. If you’ve seen others, let us know in the comments below.

I am an unapologetic carnivore. Steaks, ribs, loins, legs, wings, cheeks – bring it on. To my mouth, I mean; not to a cheerleading competition. My arteries are far too clogged by a lifetime of red meat for me to have the strength or motivation to climb a human pyramid, even if it is comprised of sexy underaged girls in short skirts.

That said, I’m willing to keep an open mind about veggie-made foods that are supposed to taste like meat, or at least, a close enough approximation that non-meat-eaters can pretend like they’re not completely missing out on delicious, delicious animals.

Admittedly, I’ve only eaten veggie meat once – I was in college, and like any good Liberal Arts student, I was into Eastern philosophy, which culminated in a ten-day trip to the Shambala Center in Boulder, Colorado. While there, I learned things like ikebana, maitri, the fact that I could rock the Lotus position better than most of my peers, and how to make a bong out of an apple. That last one was not a University-sanctioned activity, but it was educational nonetheless.

It being Buddha Camp (my name for it, not theirs), there were meat-eater and vegetarian options available for every meal. I passed on almost every veggie dish, mostly out of animal-eating defiance and a general distrust of tofu, but on the day of our very last breakfast I had reached Enlightenment and decided to try some not-made-from-a-once-living-thing fake bacon (fakon?) and breakfast sausage (fauxsage?)

The fakon was like a delicious bacon-flavored cracker strip, but it could not hold a candle to the real thing. The fauxsage, however, was spot-on, and I had to admit that, if I ever watched a documentary about the inhumane treatment of slaughterhouse-destined animals that was horrifying enough to turn me off of meat, I could say goodbye to Jimmy Dean and be pretty satisfied with some fake sausage links to go with my organic free-range chicken eggs and the grapefruit from my local pesticide-free community garden.

It is with this experience in mind that I opened my chakras to Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs.

Each box comes with 15 meatballs, which gives you “about” three portions, according to the box. I’ve never been great at math, but dividing five into 15 should give you exactly three portions, unless someone’s being a ball hog. The Buddha frowns upon ball hogs.

The microwave instructions couldn’t have been easier: put five meatballs on a paper plate, cover, cook on high for two minutes, flipping after a minute. I’ve had Hot Pockets with cooking instructions more complicated than that.

The results, however, were what you might expect from two minutes in the microwave: they were kind of squishy, and not at all crisp on the outside. Despite the sponginess, however, I was pleased with the flavor – there was a definite meatiness to it, and the spices were plentiful. Although the list of ingredients only specify onion, onion spices, tomato paste, garlic powder, and “natural spices”, I swear I could also detect some fennel and sage in there, which were welcome additions.

I decided to try them using the oven instructions also, despite my aversion to actually having to cook anything. The directions here were to preheat to 350°F, spray a cooking sheet with cooking spray, plop down five meatballs, and cook for 17-18 minutes, flipping after 8 minutes.

I am, in case you hadn’t noticed, I am lazy bastard, so I long-ago learned the trick of placing a piece of foil on top of the baking sheet for easy clean-up. This ingenious “trick” backfired on me for obvious reasons: they tell you to use cooking spray to keep the meatballs from sticking when you flip them. My balls stuck to the foil like testicles to the thighs of a man going commando on a hot summer day.

I couldn’t unstick the balls without losing some meat, a sentence that I’m sure just made some male readers uncomfortable, but flipping them directly back onto the stuck parts prevented further meat loss, and the entirety of the meatballs’ surfaces actually turned out nice and crispy.

I found that the veggieballs cooked in the oven had a firmer texture on the inside and got some nice crunch and browning on the outside, making them less spongy and more meat-like.

Morningstar Farms Veggie Meatballs are called a Meal Starters; presumably, this means they are a means in which to start your meal, which in this case, would obviously be spaghetti and meatballs. Oh sure, I could have cooked up some whole grain pasta and got a jar of veghead-friendly sauce, but I took the phrase “Meal Starters” literally and ate them like an appetizer.

Oh, who am I kidding, I ate them with a plastic fork and a cup of Domino’s Marinara Sauce I found in my Drawer of Orphaned Condiments. I didn’t bother putting the oven-cooked balls on a plate or even leaving the kitchen. I again blame my laziness on the lethargy caused by eating too much real meat.

While Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs didn’t convert me to a vegetarian for life, I appreciate whatever dark arts they use to turn soy and spices into a meatless meatball that I would gladly eat if one of my filthy hippy friends invited me over for dinner. While the microwaved balls fell short in the texture department, the oven-cooked ones were quite pleasant, and the spices used were well-balanced, warding off any ideas of blandness.

These veggie meatballs get my Buddha Camp seal of approval. I’d try to sit Lotus in their honor, but I’m afraid my knee joints would pop because I am no longer a young, spry college student and my Enlightenment flew out the window once I started putting words like “synergy” and “dictation” on my resumé.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 meatballs – 130 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 4% calcium, and 8% iron.)

Other Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs reviews:
The Peppertree

Item: Morningstar Farms Meal Starters Veggie Meatballs
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 8.5 ounces (15 meatballs)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very well-spiced. The word “fauxsage”. Easy cooking instructions. Youthful college-Buddhist enthusiasm. Oven-cooked balls had a nice, crispy outside.
Cons: Spongy texture when microwaved. Being too old and rickety to sit in the Lotus position. Sticky (meat)balls. Ball hogs.

Kid Cuisine takes me back to a time in my life where preparing my own meals was more of a novelty than a necessity. The more I think about how many years have passed since I last tore open one of their sky blue boxes, cut the film cover with a pair of safety scissors, and entertained myself with the contents of their Fun Pack, the older I feel.

And even though my appreciation for word search puzzles appears to have an inverse relationship with my appreciation for home-cooked meals, I found myself more than willing to jump at the chance of coming back this once beloved, now neglected brand.

Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches might have also invoked similar rose-tinted memories of brown-bag lunches and boxes of Hi-C Ecto-Cooler, if it weren’t invoking memories of just the other day. You can find PB&J deep fried at the Florida State Fair, or smoothiefied on the Underground Menu at your local Jamba Juice.

Not only are the ingredients cheap, but the sandwich is easy to make – a major plus for lazy 20-somethings such as myself. Not to mention Smucker’s has been providing their convenient pre-made crustless variety for some time now. But Kid Cuisine is on the scene, so let’s see of they can give Smucker’s a run for their green.

Kid Cuisine Snack Stix can be found in the grocery store next to their other frozen dinners, thankfully at the same price. The box touts the product’s real fruit juice filling, lack of high fructose corn syrup, and baked-not-fried nature, which is reflected in the nutrition facts. I couldn’t help but compare them to their obvious competition, Smucker’s Uncrustables which, despite being similarly priced and almost identically serving-sized, manage to have more calories and fat than the new guy.

Meant to be a GoGurt-esque snack for kids on the go, a stick can be briefly microwaved from frozen or thawed in your lunch box for your convenience. It also has a recommended consumption window of up to eight hours after defrosting, so if you forget it on your kitchen counter before you leave for the day, just eat it when you get home. In the highly unlikely event you experience food poisoning as a result, I accept no liability.

The four unassuming, individually wrapped sticks slide out of the box looking like small Hot Pockets, with a soft bread texture reminiscent of SideShots. I have to admit, my inner child was slightly disheartened at the lack of a Fun Pack. The package suggests patiently waiting two minutes after their 15 second microwave time, which I obediently obliged, remembering well my disastrous past experience with an overheated Pop-Tart.

The first bite revealed a modest flavor to accompany its modest appearance, with a somewhat disappointing amount of PB&J that further consumption showed to be… acceptable. The PB to J ratio was decent, something that I find most products often mess up (almost always too much jelly).

The PB&J itself I found a bit lacking in sweetness, with the bread tasting exactly as you would expect by looking at it. I fear that what they’ve gained in healthiness they’ve sacrificed in flavor, but when I remember that their target audience consists of sugar-sensitive children, I figure the ends justify the means.

Though personally underwhelming, I can’t help but respect the product’s healthiness, affordability, and mobility. Though I may never buy them for myself, I’m sure they’d be great for my nonexistent children.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Snack Stix – 160 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Kid Cuisine Snack Stix Peanut Butter & Grape
Purchased Price: $2.29
Size: 4 Snack Stix per box
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Real fruit filling. No HFCS. Healthier than Uncrustables. Hi-C Ecto-Cooler. Rose-tinted memories.
Cons: Not very sweet. Needs a little more PB&J. No Fun Pack. Overheated Pop-Tarts. Getting older.

I think the 22 grams of saturated fat Marie Callender’s new Sausage, Gravy & Egg Meat Pie contains is a good thing.

My doctor says I need to eat more vegetables and if I eat this meat pie and the 110 percent of my daily value of saturated fat it provides for breakfast, it’ll scare me into eating nothing but salads without dressing for the rest of the day…and maybe the rest of the week.

It might also force me to exercise…so BONUS!

The flaky, buttery crust of the microwaved meat pie is not only stuffed with scrambled eggs, sausage, and gravy, it also has potatoes.

The frozen food feast known as the Marie Callender’s Sausage, Gravy & Egg Meat Pie is a great of source of fiber, providing 5 grams. It also provides 810 calories, 54 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 920 milligrams of sodium, 350 milligrams of potassium, 66 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.

Thanks to ED Junkie for letting us know about the meat pie!

To ensure you don’t think of me as a devout carnivore, who shuns meatless products, I’m going to preface this review by saying I regularly buy Morningstar Farms products.

Whenever they go on sale, I buy their Meal Starter Grillers Recipe Crumbles to replace ground beef; I usually have a box of their BBQ Riblets in my freezer for those times when I’m too lazy to cook; and I regularly purchase the Costco-sized box of their Original Sausage Patties.

I’ve tried many Morningstar Farms products and they’re all decent or better. Oh, except for their veggie bacon, which is quite disgusting and haunts my taste buds every day.

So would Morningstar Farms’ new Veggie Dogs be a new favorite or something that will torment my taste buds for years?

Oh, should point out it seems weird the Morningstar Farms Veggie Dogs box proclaims, in large sans serif letters, these veggie dogs are new, because they’re not. Morningstar Farms Veggie Dogs were around for years and then disappeared from shelves for a long time, much to the dismay of many people.

But now they’re back, baby!

I know I tasted the original Morningstar Farms Veggie Dogs, but I don’t remember what they taste like. Maybe because they were so horrible that my brain has hidden the traumatic experience deep within my mind. Or maybe I forgot because my knowledge of 1990s hip-hop lyrics wrote over the memory. But after tasting these dogs, I think it’s definitely the latter because these veggie dogs don’t make me want to spit them out.

I guess the nicest word I could use to describe these veggie dogs is tolerable. I mean, what should I expect for something that has just 0.5 grams of fat. They look like hot dogs and have a meat-like flavor, but it’s a fraction of the flavor with regular hot dogs. However, with enough ketchup, mustard, and onions on it, with my eyes closed, and me repeatedly saying “yummy” with my mouth full, I think I could trick my mind into thinking it’s a decent hot dog.

However, they’re skinny and don’t have the same feel as a hot dog. A hot dog’s exterior coating doesn’t give as easily as these Morningstar Farms Veggie Dogs. Putting my fork through one of these dogs feels like putting a fork through unprepared SPAM. It’s a little off-putting, along with them looking like they have some kind of skin disorder.

Also, I would’ve been nice if they came in a pack of eight, like hot dog buns, but instead they came in an inconvenient pack of six.

I’ve had the misfortune of tasting two or three other brands of veggie dogs over the years. I don’t remember the brands, but just thinking of those veggie dogs make me a little nauseous because they were quite horrible. These Morningstar Farms Veggie Dogs are definitely better. But as someone who occasionally enjoys a Costco hot dog after buying a Costco-sized box of Morningstar Farms sausage patties, I can’t say they’re nearly as enjoyable as a regular hot dogs.

However, if you’re a vegetarian, you’ll probably enjoy them a lot more.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 link – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 430 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Veggie Dogs
Purchased Price: $4.99 (on sale)
Size: 6 veggie dogs
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Best veggie dog I’ve had. Tolerable, especially if you pile on the ketchup, mustard, and onions. Didn’t want to spit them out. Only 0.5 grams of fat. 7 grams of protein. My ability to lip-sync with 90s hip-hop.
Cons: Skinny dogs. Box contains six veggie dogs, so if you buy a pack of hot dogs buns, you’ll have two extra. Don’t have the same feel as a hot dog. They look like they have a skin disorder. Morningstar Farms Veggie Bacon.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; but they also say if at first you don’t succeed, you should try, try again.  So, are “they” advocating madness?  These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head as I review my second mac & cheese-based product in two reviews.  And a pretty good indicator of why I majored in English rather than Philosophy.

Hopefully you’re all familiar with Hot Pockets, or the slightly lower-calorie alternative Lean Pockets, my preferred indulgence because I like to pretend I could still swim a mile in less than 20 minutes (nope) and we can’t all eat like Michael Phelps. 

You may also be aware of HP’s “Snackers” brand, an attempt to offer a smaller alternative to their usual burrito-sized offerings.  The bag contains 12 pieces (3 servings) of pastry crust stuffed with macaroni & cheese and promises to microwave in just over a minute, which is big because regular Hot Pockets take 2 full minutes and who has that kind of time these days?  Not me, that’s an extra review and a half I could have written.  These things require a craftsman’s touch!

(By the way, I know 4 pieces may not sound like much as a serving size, but given how thick each triangle is, trust me that it isn’t insignificant.  I guess technically you could eat a full package as a meal, but that would be a lot.  Count on either splitting them with a friend or just not having a side dish if you decide to down the whole bag at once.)

Diving in, the crust is fairly light and flaky. This reaffirms the package’s boast that they’re baked, not fried.  If you’ve ever had a Hot Pocket before, you know what to expect, although these taste just a bit lighter.  And as I alluded to regarding the thickness, you’re not getting hosed as far as how much mac & cheese is stuffed into each one.  I certainly didn’t feel short-changed, and microwaving the triangles caused most of them to either spill out some cheese onto the plate or at least partially crack open, reinforcing the point. 

That said, they’re not messy — I didn’t have any problems with cheese spilling out unexpectedly or big pieces flaking off, so feel free to eat these one-handed on the couch without a napkin like the savage you are.  No one is judging.

The macaroni itself is a good consistency, soft but with just enough firmness to be appealing.  It actually looks pretty similar to Kraft Mac & Cheese, but the cheese is a bit different, slightly creamier than Kraft’s flavor without being especially sharp. 

Also, it’s a little hard to describe, but the cheese almost feels like a different component than the macaroni; there’s a lot of it, and it tends to ooze around the cracks and crevices formed by the pasta and spill out in large quantities.  I’m not complaining because it tastes the same either way, but rather than truly coating the macaroni, the cheese feels more like it’s sharing space with it.  They don’t exactly meld, but it’s plentiful and tasty, so I can’t complain too much.

Probably the only other criticism I would level against the Macaroni & Cheese Bites is that they lack that certain edge, the extra component that really distinguishes good products from great products. 

Don’t interpret that as a criticism — I like the Bites, and I wouldn’t at all mind getting them again.  But an extra flavor of cheese inside, maybe something with more bite like colby jack, would’ve really put it over the top.  But as it is, this is a good, solid snacking choice that’s quick and easy to make and will fill you up.  You could do a lot worse.

(Nutrition Facts — 4 pieces — 220 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 460 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 6 grams of protein)

Item: Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10 oz. / approx. 12 pieces
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Bypassing one useless degree for a slightly-less-useless one.  Light, fairly soft crust.  4 pieces makes a good snack.  Only takes a minute and change to make.  Triangles are stuffed full of mac & (especially) cheese.  Swimming references, because when people only notice your sport once every four years, you’ve gotta jump on that opportunity.
Cons: We have yet to break the 1-minute microwave mark.  Pasta and cheese feel more like amiable co-inhabitants than a happy couple.  Not being able to eat like Michael Phelps.  Could use a little more kick.  Not lacking in fat and sodium

You know how some items seem to be around for no reason except someone thought up a good commercial, then realized the product didn’t technically exist, so they had to quickly create it? It sort of feels like Tony’s Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza is one of those products.

I picture a smarmy ad executive (yes, he looks exactly like Don Draper), leaning contemplatively in his chair. He finishes his cigarette, stubs it out, steals a glance at Christina Hendricks’ cleavage. Satisfied, he stands and reaches for his hat… and stops. Stares straight ahead for a full 30 seconds, then grabs a sheet of paper and begins scribbling excitedly. When he finishes, he’s looking at a storyboard of a brother and sister standing face to face, scowling.

The girl yells “But I want macaroni and cheeeeese!” The boy retorts, “Too bad, Mom said we could have pizza!” Then the mother steps into frame, boasting a smile only achievable through extensive surgical work or pounds of medical-grade marijuana. “Kids, kids!” she says, laughing gently, “Who says we can’t have both?” Reaching behind her to retrieve the box she must have strapped to her back, she brings it out and shows us the label as the kids’ eyes light up: Macaroni & cheese pizza. And life makes sense once again.

Actually, jokes notwithstanding, I was eager to try this product. I’ve had baked ziti pizza from Italian restaurants before, when I’m in a particularly “Screw it, we’ve all gotta go sometime” mood. But I’ve never had mac n’ cheese pizza before, and frankly I wondered if Tony’s could get even close to the gooey, artery-hardening deliciosity that is freshly-made baked ziti pizza. (These are the things I think about since our favorite local pizza place closed for repairs after the neighboring deli suspiciously burned down. True story.)

Obviously you don’t expect it to be as thick as an actual pizzeria pie, but it must be said that this is a mighty thin pizza, even with the layer of mac n’ cheese. And that’s probably attributable to the fact that there’s no marinara sauce to be found. I probably should have surmised that from the box, but it came as an unpleasant surprise that didn’t fill me with confidence. It still looks pretty good, but it definitely feels more like you’re eating macaroni off of flatbread, rather than as a topping on pizza.

You’ll note there are two cheeses visible in the photo — obviously mozzarella is the primary base, but there’s a reasonable, though not overly generous, helping of cheddar scattered throughout. They proudly advertise that the new square shape fills the box, which I think is meant to imply you’re getting more pizza for the same price. That’s probably true, although cutting it into quarters makes the slices a bitch to eat without smearing grease all over your face. Or maybe that’s just me and my refusal to eat the crust until every other bite is gone. Yeah, probably just me. Anyway, I appreciate the extra surface area.

But ultimately quantity is irrelevant if the taste isn’t up to par, so what’s the verdict? Well… serviceable. It’s not bad — the crust is crunchy but not hard, the two kinds of cheeses are distinct, and the macaroni has a soft but not slimy texture. Plus it’s pizza and beer on a Friday night, it’s impossible to completely screw that up.

That said, it also tastes like exactly what it is: artificial mac n’ cheese on a frozen pizza. There’s nothing bold or fresh about the flavor, no interesting spices you didn’t expect. It’s relatively pleasing in the moment and then immediately forgotten afterward, like a date with me. When all’s said and done, this is a decent option if you’re trying to save money or the best Italian restaurant in your town is Sbarro’s. But if you live anywhere near a decent pizza joint, it’s worth the trek for the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/4 pizza — 280 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 500 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Tony’s Original Crust Macaroni & Cheese Pizza
Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 17.00 oz
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Square to fill the entire box. Satisfies two demographics. Visually appealing. For what it is, not ridiculously unhealthy. Pretty good taste. Which came first, the ad or the product?
Cons: Nothing remotely surprising. No marinara sauce. Thin. A little more cheddar would’ve been nice. Suspicious fires that take out your favorite pizza place as collateral damage.

There are times when I sit down to review a new product and have a solid framework for writing the piece. A primary analogy is established, jokes tie along the way, and the central conceit is stretched beyond the readers’ willingness to suspend their disbelief. (“We get it, Jasper, every junk food item somehow relates to the angst of your mid-20s.”) Other times, I get sent a package the size of a refrigerator box filled with samples for a whole hodgepodge of new products, and I struggle to develop any cohesive theme for the review. Guess which kind of review this will be?

The folks over at Popsicle are rolling out a new line of products (and a new portmanteau!) called Yosicles, These “Popsicle pops and yogurt together” come in three forms: Torpedo!, Layerz!, and Duos!. Additionally, they’re introducing Popsicle Sour Patch Kids, the latest item in the proud tradition of Popsicles with candy tie-ins. Layerz!, Duos!, and the Popsicle Sour Patch Kids all come in multiple flavors.

For the sake of simplicity, I am going to offer just four separate scores (Layerz, Torpedo, Duos, and Sour Patch Kids). For the sake of readability and my own sanity, I am going to stop using the exclamation points at the end of the product names.

Shaped exactly like the classic Firecracker Popsicles, the Torpedo Yosicles had three flavor segments (all yogurt-based) of Purple Berry, Watermelon, and Vanilla. The yogurt component clearly wasn’t meant to have the tartness of Pinkberry-style frozen yogurt; I would say its taste profile was much closer to soft-serve. The vanilla flavor was perfectly fine – the skim milk muted the richness, but at least I understood that it’s supposed to taste somewhat like vanilla ice cream.

For the other two segments, I tasted lots of mild and artificial flavors without really tasting any “purple berry” or watermelon. Even if they had executed the flavors perfectly, I might’ve still found the choices to be strange, as I feel like a number of other flavors are generally a better fit with any cream-based treats. On the plus side (and this goes for all the Yosicles), they melted much more slowly than I had expected. Also, every Yosicle is a good source of calcium, so I’ve pretty much ingested a kidney stone’s worth of calcium in the process of reviewing these products.

The Layerz Yosicles were very similar to the Torpedos, but with just two segments instead of three. The bottom segment was always vanilla, while the top segment was either cotton candy or orange. Again, I liked the vanilla fine, so I preferred the Layerz (50% vanilla) to the Torpedos (33% vanilla). The orange flavor was reasonably reminiscent of an orange Creamsicle, but the cotton candy flavor managed to taste extremely artificial while not capturing what cotton candy actually tastes like. (Isn’t cotton candy just sugar with food coloring? And isn’t “sugar with food coloring” the primary description for a lot of things we consume – frosting, cereal, purple drank? I don’t know how that was meant to be a differentiated flavor that I should have recognized.)

Differing from the other two Yosicle varieties and instead emulating the structure of a Creamsicle, the Duos Yosicle had a creamy vanilla center that was surrounded by a flavored ice shell of either purple berry or cherry. I liked the Duos much more than the Torpedos and Layerz, as the yogurt was limited to the vanilla flavor, and the flavored ice shell provided a contrast in texture and offered the familiar tastes of a classic cherry Popsicle.

Although they’re unrelated to the Yosicle product line, I thought the Popsicle Sour Patch Kids were the stars among the new product releases. The idea was simple but well-executed: take three single-fruit, tried-and-true Popsicle flavors (orange, lime, and raspberry) and coat them in sour sugar. The sour sugar on actual Sour Patch Kids is granulated and sandy, while the Popsicle versions I tried had a smooth, solid sour sugar shell.

Still, the satisfying sensation of sour subsequent to sweet stayed the same. (Sorry for all the alliteration – I was really on a roll there.) I thought these Popsicles would’ve been even better with a sourer coating, but they were still far and away my favorite new offering. Next time you hear the ice cream truck drive by this summer, definitely run outside and pick up a Popsicle Sour Patch Kid, and maybe consider trying a Duos! Yosicle, too.

(Editor’s Note/Disclosure: Jasper received all this frozen goodness from the wonderful folks at Popsicle for free, so right now I imagine his freezer looks like a treasure chest to eight-year-olds.)

(Nutrition Facts – Torpedo – 2 bars – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and 25% calcium. Layerz – 2 pops – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and 25% calcium. Duos – 2 pops – 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 20% calcium. Sour Patch Kids – 1 pop – 40 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 10% vitamin C.)

Item: Popsicle Yosicle (Torpedo!, Layerz!, and Duos!) and Popsicle Sour Patch Kids
Price: FREE
Size: 12 pack (Yosicles)
Size: 18 pack (Sour Patch Kids))
Purchased at: Received for free from Popsicle
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Yosicle Torpedo)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Yosicle Layerz)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Yosicle Duos)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Popsicle Sour Patch Kids)
Pros: Yosicle vanilla segments were perfectly fine and appropriately vanilla ice cream-like. Orange Layerz tasted somewhat like an orange Creamsicle. Duos had only the vanilla flavor as its yogurt component. Duos followed the Creamsicle structure, so ice shell had classic flavor and added textural contrast. Yosicles melted slowly and are good sources of calcium. Popsicle Sour Patch Kids had sour sugar shells that were awesome. Free samples. Alliteration. Purple drank. Looking for one Simpsons clip and spending 2 hours watching old highlights.
Cons: Vanilla flavor was pretty mild. Non-vanilla Yosicle yogurt flavors were weird and artificial. Cotton candy flavor was particularly bad. Isn’t cotton candy just sugar and food coloring? Popsicle Sour Patch Kids could use a little more sourness. Exclamation marks at the end of product names. Not having any thematic cohesion in a review. Kidney stones.

At times, I thought the Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger tasted like a Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger or BK’s Western BBQ Topper.

If you’re not familiar with those two Burger King sandwiches, because you’re MCD4LYFE or because you eat much healthier than I do, they’re both constructed using a flame-broiled beef patty, cheese, onion rings, and a barbecue sauce served on a bun.

This isn’t the first time Hot Pockets’ mad food scientists were able to make a Hot Pocket taste like a fast food cheeseburger. They originally did it with their Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers, which I thought tasted like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger.

Dang, those mad flavor scientists have some mad burger flavor reproducing skills.

Wait a minute. Why can’t those mad flavor scientists make a pepperoni Hot Pocket taste like a pepperoni pizza?

Anyhoo, the box doesn’t specifically say it, but these are Hot Pockets SideShots, which means instead of a crispy outer crust, they have a soft bun-like crust. According to the ingredients list, stuffed within that crust are: cooked beef pattie crumble, pasteurized process cheddar cheese, cheddar cheese, bacon, onions, seasoning, and tomato paste.

What makes these mini microwaveable marvels taste like a couple of Burger King burgers is the “BBQ sauce.” Oh, what’s with the quotations marks? Well, it’s not really a BBQ sauce, since a barbecue sauce isn’t listed in the ingredients. It’s more like a deconstructed barbecue sauce that tastes like the tangy and sweet stuff Burger King uses.

Each bun isn’t bursting with beef pattie crumble and bacon, like in the picture on the front of the packaging, instead there’s a smidgen of beef and an almost equal smidgen of bacon. If you’re expecting crisp bacon in these pockets of hotness, your expectations are way too high. They are as limp as a cardboard box in a rainstorm. The bacon’s smokiness and the added onions also helped these Hot Pockets taste like I’m eating a Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger. The bun was kind of a letdown because most of the time it was dry and a bit tough, which wasn’t what I experienced with the mostly soft and a little chewy buns of the Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers.

The Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burgers would make a flavorful snack or a tasty part of a complete lunch or dinner. While it still kind of blows my mind they taste like my beloved Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger, I found that flavor to be inconsistent as I chowed my way through the two servings.

I hope those Hot Pockets’ mad flavor scientists attempt to emulate the Big Mac’s flavor for next year’s limited edition Hot Pockets flavor and calls it Hot Pockets Limited Edition Special Sauce Burger or something as unimaginative as the name Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 buns – 290 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Other Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger reviews:
Snackor

Item: Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger
Price: $2.49 (on sale)
Size: 4 buns
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: They taste like Burger King’s Rodeo Cheeseburger. Tangy and sweet deconstructed barbecue sauce. A nice snack. Contains seven vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Buns were dry and tough at times. Inconsistent flavor. Made with partially hydrogenated oil. Spelling patty with an “ie.” Unimaginative name.

The chronology of yogurt in this country reads like a veritable timeline of fads and one-hit wonders. From BMX riding kids glurping Go-Gurt to Jamie Lee Curtis giving us advice on tooting, we’ve by now been there and tried that. Somewhere along the way we jumped on board the Greek yogurt express, shelling out double for what we’d pay for regular yogurt and stumbling over the name of everyone’s favorite Greek yogurt company like a county music singer trying to learn French.

With the latest yogurt trends leaning toward lactose-free yogurt and foreign fermented dairy products with names I can’t pronounce, Greek yogurt has had to up its game to garner attention. Fortunately, thanks to two hippie dudes in Vermont and a host of other companies, we’ve recently seen an explosion in “Frozen” Greek Yogurt, which is not to be confused with the kind of frozen Greek yogurt that happens as a result of me sticking my container of Fage into the freezer by mistake.

Yasso might sound like it’s a character of ambiguous gender out of the smash N-64 hit Yoshi’s Story*, but in reality it’s the name of a frozen Greek yogurt company dreamed up by a sporty husband and wife team. How sporty? Let’s just say their website boasts of a 4:15 mile accomplishment, which, after reading, I was hoping would also be in my future if I ate their frozen Greek yogurt bars. Suddenly, the whole Achilles story is coming into focus.

With “all of the goodness, none of the guilt,” Yasso’s 75-gram bars pack only 70 calories, and proudly boasts of containing no corn syrup and no fat. I won’t lie to you; with those kind of stats I was expecting the Blueberry and Strawberry bars I sampled to also contain no taste. Surprisingly they did contain some taste, although unsurprisingly it was not the kind of taste which really gets me excited for a frozen yogurt bar. Perhaps, if you play ice cream truck music in the background and rapidly slurp down a Great White Shark Pop or Flintstone’s Push-Pop after eating these greek yogurt bars, then you’ll get excited, but otherwise, you know you’re basically eating something healthy with the sole intention of being healthy.

Both bars have a dull sweetness that I’m willing to bet most people would find completely underwhelming. Using no other sweetener aside from sugar (not even fructose) the bars almost seem to restrain the actual pureed fruit base, which is overshadowed by a clean, albeit slightly boring, milky flavor. Had I not known the blueberry flavor was blueberry, I would have been hard pressed to identify it as anything but “berry,” and unfortunately found no tart or puckering quality about it. The strawberry flavor had a better showing — what, with some actual texture of those little seed things on the outside of the berries — but again, the fruit flavor was less fruit and more mild and milky yogurt. Decent, but not great, and while healthy, not healthy enough to shave roughly three and a half minutes off my mile time.

I love fruit as much as the next snack food junkie looking to remove the compunction of downing a bag of Fritos, but I also know where to pick my battles. If you’re looking for the most insanely healthy conception of something frozen on a stick this side of attempting to grow asparagus in Antarctica, then these bars are right up your alley. If, however, you’re just a guy looking to try to get a little balance in your dessert life, then might I suggest the tried and true method of sticking a banana in the freezer and calling it an afternoon.

*If anyone has a copy of this game they are willing to part with, I would very much appreciate it if you’d drop me a line. More to the point, buying it from you would make my life.

(Editor’s Note/Disclosure: We received free coupons for free samples for free from the folk at Yasso for free. Free. Free. Free.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar - 70 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35-40 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, and 15% calcium.)

Other Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Bar reviews:
Fro-Yo Girl

Item: Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Bars (Blueberry and Strawberry)
Price: $4.99 (Coupons provided by Yasso super-athletic marketing team)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Blueberry)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Pros: Super healthy. No fat and six grams of protein. Milky fresh taste. No ice crystals. Getting on board the the Greek yogurt bandwagon again. Excuse to YouTube Go-Gurt commercials.
Cons: Vapid level of sweetness. Not guaranteed to make a kid run faster or jump higher. Expensive and somewhat difficult to find in stores. Jamie Lee Curtis commercials. Feelings of athletic impotency.

Believe it or not, Manfred von Richthofen — AKA the Red Baron, the most famous flying ace in history, with 80 confirmed kills — was by his own admission not a great pilot. He was decent, but his younger brother Lothar (with “only” 40 kills) was a much better pilot, though Manfred worried about him because he was reckless and took too many risks. Yes, that’s right: the von Richthofen family produced both a Maverick and an Iceman in the same generation.

If you’re thinking none of that has anything to do with the product we’re reviewing today, well, that’s true; but hell, neither does the Red Baron. I would wager money von Richthofen never ate a slice of pizza in his life. Still, I find this kind of stuff cool, and our review today is of frozen pizza. Let us be perfectly frank and honest with ourselves: that is not the most exciting of food products.

Not that they haven’t tried to sexy it up, though, with the addition of mozzarella sticks. In general I think the majority of frozen pizzas are exactly as good as every other one, but in looking for a way to stand out from the crowd, I’d say the Rittmeister is off to a good start. Pizza and mozzarella sticks are two foods I don’t normally associate with each other, but if your main philosophy in life is that the heart is evil and must be punished, it’s hard to imagine a better one-two punch. (Bacon cheeseburgers and waffles?) The box promises 11-13 mozzarella sticks, which I find hilarious. I’ve seen other boxes for the same product that simply promise 12, so I’m guessing someone raised a big enough stink about how there wasn’t no 12 mozzarella sticks in their dang package that the good folks at Red Baron decided to be on the safe side. (I received an even dozen, in case you were wondering.)

Pre-cooking, the pizza looked exactly like any frozen pizza would, although as you can see from the picture, the pepperoni distribution was by Picasso. I don’t recall getting into any ’70s cop film-esque car chases on the way home from the grocery store, so I’m going to assume that’s how it was constructed. No problem, redistributing it was easy and the pepperoni was plentiful.

As for the taste? Well, you’ve all heard the cliche that sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. That’s pretty accurate in that it’s hard to make bad pizza (not impossible, sadly), and this particular one is certainly not bad. Actually, that’s underselling things — it’s honestly pretty good. The cheese was relatively plentiful, the sauce had some decent spices, and the crust was pretty firm. I can’t say it tasted substantially different from almost every other frozen pizza ever, but perhaps a little better. The overall size of the pie was more than plentiful — between this and the sticks, you’re set for at least two meals, maybe even three.

To be honest I was more curious about the mozzarella sticks, since I very rarely prepare frozen ones myself. It’s not exactly a very complex dish, but for my money the easiest way to ruin sticks is to under-spice them. I was worried that would be the case here, but they hit the balance pretty well. On the other hand, the amount of cheese within them was slightly lacking, especially when some of it ran out during the baking process. More cheese would’ve taken them from good to great; Baron, I want you to pretend the mozzarella is machine gun bullets and the sticks are enemy Sopwith Camels. Really pepper it in there.

I’m happy my initial fear about the Red Baron Pizza & Sides Pepperoni Pizza & Mozzarella Sticks — that the Avengers ad would be the most exciting thing about it — was proved wrong. It’s not going to be mistaken for fresh out of a pizzeria’s oven at any point, but for a quick meal that will last for a day or two, it does the trick. (Note, however, that any time you save in food preparation will be more than negated by the extra time you’ll need to spend in the gym working off this gargantuan calorie bomb.) There’s also another entry in the “Pizza & Sides” line that comes with 7-9 Buffalo Wyngs. However, the deliberate misspelling of “wings” means you have only yourself to blame if it turns out you’re actually eating processed chicken anus. Enjoy!

(Nutrition Facts — 1/4 pizza — 370 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 250 milligrams of potassium, 43 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, 15 grams of protein. 4 Mozzarella pieces — 250 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 560 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Red Baron Pizza & Sides Pepperoni Pizza & Breaded Mozzarella Sticks
Price: $8.99
Size: 1 pizza and 11-13 mozzarella sticks
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Maverick and Iceman in the same family. Large serving. Did indeed fulfill “11-13 sticks” vow. Pretty tasty pizza. Well-spiced mozzarella sticks. Artistic pepperoni distribution. Hulk looking like he’s about to punch Captain America.
Cons: Slightly odd combo. Actually may be worse for you than a bacon cheeseburger & waffles. Not enough cheese in the mozzarella sticks. Even good frozen pizza can’t hold a candle to fresh-made slices from a pizzeria. Losing dogfights to a beagle.

Update: Click here to read our Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog review

Update #2: Click here to read our Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger review

Hey, remember those limited edition Hot Pockets we reviewed last year? Well, it turns out the folks at Hot Pockets introduced new limited edition varieties this year: Chili Sauce Cheese Dog and BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger.

When Impulsive Buy reader Ree told us to check out the Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog on our Facebook page, I immediately took to the internets to find out whatever I could about it. I found a review, I learned they look more like Twinkies than regular Hot Pockets, and one of them has 280 calories, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 620 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, and 9 grams of protein.

During my Googling, I also learned about the Hot Pocket Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger. Just like the Chili Sauce Cheese Dog, this limited edition variety isn’t like a regular Hot Pocket, instead it more like Hot Pockets Sideshots. A serving has 290 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 620 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.