“Green, green gasoline. You forgot your ding-a-ling,” was what some my elementary school classmates would yell to me if I ended up with the green lunch tray in the cafeteria. To this day, I still have no idea what it means, but I do know I got the green lunch tray quite often. In order to help me cope with the constant reminder that I forgot my ding-a-ling, I once yelled the rhyme to a boy one grade below me to try to show that I could be an asshole too, but he ended up crying on the spot. I felt bad, so I gave him the cookie that came with my lunch to make him stop crying and I never did it again.

If only Oscar Mayer had Lunchables back when I still occasionally wet my bed. I wouldn’t have gotten the green tray and I wouldn’t have cupped my balls so much in elementary school to make sure I didn’t forget my ding-a-ling anywhere. Also, I wish hip-hop was mainstream in the early 1980s, then my groin cupping wouldn’t have made me look like a kid who enjoyed touching himself, instead I would’ve been a poser.

I’m trying to imagine what my elementary school life would’ve been like if I had the new Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables. I’d probably living large and in charge with all the honeys in Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears t-shirts around me wanting a little taste of either the mini turkey and cheddar sub sandwich, mini Nilla Wafers, Tree Top Applesauce, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid or the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo.

The mini turkey and cheddar sub measured in at four inches long and two inches wide. The turkey had a smokey flavor, the cheese looked like it was government-issued and the bun, which was made with whole grain, was soft and little chewy, but not stale; the mini Nilla Wafers were as tasty as regular Nilla Wafers; the sweet Tree Top Applesauce gave me something to flick with the included red spoon; the packet of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid added to the 6.5 ounce bottle of water had a slight artificial sweetener taste; and the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo was frickin’ huge and way more than enough for the tiny sub sandwich.

The Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables is a beast of a feast for those who have just reached puberty and below. The flavor of the sandwich was decent, even with the fat free mayo, and the addition of the applesauce helped make it a decent rounded meal, but its price seems a bit high and I probably wouldn’t buy it for my child, if I had one. Although it would prevent my kids from getting the green tray and because it has so much food, they could tease another kid for having the green tray and easily give them the Nilla Wafers when they start crying.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables
Price: $4.69
Size: Big enough for a growing child
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal for a kid. Decently rounded meal. Sub sandwich was not bad. Bread wasn’t stale. Applesauce represents fruit group. 100% vitamin C. Comes with a drink. Comes with a red spoon. Prevents kids from getting the green tray.
Cons: Pricey. Fat free mayo packet was frickin’ huge. Cheese looked like it was government issued. Have to keep refrigerated. Making a kid cry. Being a poser. Having to cup my groin to ensure I didn’t lose my ding-a-ling.

There’s a nine-year-old out there who thinks the Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz is the greatest muthafucking thing ever. Okay, if that nine-year-old was a drunken sailor, then they would probably think that, but I don’t totally agree with that rum-filled, foul-mouthed kid.

This kid-sized meal consisted of wheat tortillas, grilled chicken breasts, ranch sauce, and mild taco sauce for two wrapz. It also included a fun-sized Nestle Crunch bar and the greatness beverage in pouch form EVER, a fruit punch Capri Sun. Out of all the things that were included, I was the most excited about the Capri Sun, because I enjoy products from the 1980s, I get to stab something with a plastic straw and not get arrested for it, and there’s only one Capri Sun. It’s great tasting fun when you punch open one.

The Capri Sun was the most exciting thing about this Lunchables, but the grilled chicken wrapz were the main entree. With most Lunchables that contain chicken, it isn’t required to heat the chicken before eating since it is already pre-cooked. If I were a parent feeding it to my child, the cold chicken would probably bother me, but as a thirtysomething-year-old male without children who is hungry, it doesn’t really bother me at all. A degree from the Universidad de Taco Bell isn’t necessary to put a wrap together. All you do is lay out the tortilla, spread out some chicken, squirt some ranch sauce, drizzle some taco sauce, roll it up, and then hope some schoolyard bully doesn’t threaten you for it before you eat it.

The tortilla was a little tough since it’s been refrigerated, and again, it was a little weird eating cold chicken, but overall the chicken wrap was decent because who knew that ranch sauce combined with taco sauce would taste surprisingly good. It’s definitely better than most FDA regulated school lunches and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich your mom made with love and kindness.

Since it is a meal made for kids you might be wondering whether or not it could fill up an adult who doesn’t mind the shame of eating a Lunchables. If you’re on the smaller side, this Lunchables might be filling, but if you’re Michael Phelps, you’re probably going to need to eat ten of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 390 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 50 milligrams cholesterol, 750 milligrams sodium, 56 grams carbohydrates, 1 gram dietary fiber, 25 grams sugar, 19 grams protein, 0% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 4% vitamin C, and 15% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz
Price: $3.49
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better than most FDA regulated school lunches. Good source of protein. Fruit punch Capri Sun. Easy to put together. Combination of ranch sauce and taco sauce was surprisingly good. Fun-sized Nestle Crunch Bar. Products from the 1980s that are still here today.
Cons: Good source of sodium. Tortillas were a little tough. It’s weird eating cold chicken. Not filling for Michael Phelps. Drunk nine-year-olds. Stabbing people with plastic straws and getting arrested for it. Replacing plural S’s with Z’s.