The Impulsive Buy » Microwavable

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches (Queso Chicken and Cheddar Bacon Melt)

Stephanie — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 10:00:39 +0000

I haven’t had much luck with giant soft pretzels lately. The most recent incident involved a soft pretzel at a baseball game which had most likely been fashioned out of brine-cured leather and sawdust then stamped with a $5.95 price tag. Another episode involved the greasiest, most stale-tasting mall pretzel ever created, which tasted like its main ingredients were leaden biscuit dough and the leftover grease scooped from the bottom of a fast food fry vat.

There are clearly some pretzel standards that were not being followed here. Sure, they were hot. Sure, they were twisted. But they weren’t pretzels. They made me wish there was some sort of graduate school for pretzel-making. Most of these pretzel vendors understood the basics, but they really needed a more intensive education in order to perfect their soft-pretzel-making skills. Crust brown and crackly? Check. Innards hot, light and fluffy? Check. Salt applicator well-calibrated? Check. Bam, Masters degree!

I know some people really only use giant soft pretzels as a delivery mechanism for nacho cheese, ranch dressing, melted butter, or icing, and they couldn’t care less about how it tastes by itself…but I really like soft pretzels as an actual snack food, so it disappoints me when they turn out horribly. Little did I know that Hot Pockets would revive my love of hot, salty soft pretzel goodness. They’ve made a new line of stuffed sandwiches called Pretzel Bread Sandwiches. So far, there are two varieties: Queso Chicken and Cheddar Bacon Melt. The results were top-notch. Looks like someone matriculated at the National Conservatory of Soft Pretzels.

The Cheddar Bacon Melt is just as face-meltingly delish as it sounds. The melted cheddar cheese blends well with the generous chunks of bacon and tomatoes. I don’t know if the bacon is nitrate-free, but this is a Hot Pocket, guys. The bacon itself is slathered with creamy sauce, so it clearly doesn’t matter. The Queso Chicken is also a seriously tasty sandwich. The grilled white meat chicken breast is tender, and the cheddar cheese mixed with fire-roasted poblano peppers is a savory combination. And they are not kidding about the jalapeños – each stuffed sandwich contains large, chopped pieces that really turn up the heat. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn’t expecting the mega-spiciness these guys turned out. They would get an A+ in Jalapeño School.

But I’m burying the lead here. What you really want to hear about is the pretzel bread crust. Let’s just say that the creators of this pretzel crust must have built their graduate thesis around this recipe. It is exactly right for this sandwich. Meaning, it’s soft and crusty and salty, and once cooked, emits the distinctive aroma of freshly baked pretzel dough. The pretzel bread perfectly complements the creamy cheese in both sandwiches as well.

The only area where the pretzel bread crust gets a big fat F is ingredient seepage. The extremely hot insides can sometimes still ooze out during microwaving, so the somewhat firmer and sturdier pretzel bread crust doesn’t offer a solution to that little problem. But a little problem it is, especially when you’re chowing down on cheesy/bacon-y or cheesy/spicy deliciousness. So what if your fingers get a little burned? Try pursuing a Masters degree in Grubbin’, not Whining.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Queso Chicken – 280 calories, 10 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 20% calcium, and 15% iron. Cheddar Bacon Melt – 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 25% calcium, and 25% iron.)

Item: Hot Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches (Queso Chicken and Cheddar Bacon Melt)
Price: $2.28
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: HyVee
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Queso Chicken)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Cheddar Bacon Melt)
Pros: Enjoying pretzels as more than a delivery mechanism for gooey dips. Generous chunks of bacon. Getting an A+ in Jalapeño School. Earning a Masters degree in Pretzel dynamics.
Cons: Ingredient seepage. Overpriced pretzel creations from vendors who believe pretzel = twisted anything. Whining. Grad school loans that cannot be paid off with hot, delicious soft pretzels.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza

Marvo — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 22:23:30 +0000

Hot Pockets had to eventually make their Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza because they were running out of normal pizza varieties to stuff into their crust.

Let me go through the list, which, by the way, IS NOT the list of pizzas I’m going to use to pull a prank on a particular person who knows what they did and deserves whatever punishment I give them. So if you happen to have a pizza delivery person at your door who says they have one or two dozen pizzas for either a Jack Ulf or Jack Haas, it wasn’t from me.

There are currently Hot Pockets in the following pizza varieties: supreme, cheese, pepperoni, sausage, and pepperoni and sausage. That pretty much covers the entire basic pizza spectrum, so Hot Pockets had to start going into “specialty pizzas.” Hell, I’m surprised Hot Pockets didn’t do a little Marvel/DC Universe-like crossover action with California Pizza Kitchen frozen products. Hot Pockets California Pizza Kitchen BBQ Chicken Pizza sounds tasty and verbose.

Each Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza is stuffed with Canadian-style bacon, pepperoni, pineapple, mozzarella cheese and sauce. There are also tiny chunks of jalapeño peppers which adds a little heat. The crust that envelops all those ingredients looks slightly different than your normal Hot Pocket. There’s appears to be some seasoning baked into it and it’s a lot less pale than a regular Hot Pocket. It looks like a classy Hot Pocket, which I know sounds like a total oxymoron. like jumbo shrimp or fast food salad.

I thought I wouldn’t care for this particular Hot Pocket because of my indifference towards Hawaiian pizza, but just like Katy Perry kissing a girl, I liked it. Although, before I ate the Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza I was really hungry, so perhaps I enjoyed it because of hunger pangs, which, if you think about it, are the beer goggles of the digestive system.

If you find Hawaiian pizzas offensive because of its use of pineapples, you’re not going to enjoy this Hot Pocket because every bite has the taste of pineapple. Although it gets that pineapple flavor mostly from pineapple juice because I counted only three small chunks of pineapple in each of the two Hot Pockets I consumed. But its flavor is noticeable and it gives the Hot Pocket a nice sweetness.

While there aren’t a lot of pineapple chunks, there’s a lot of Canadian-style bacon. Sadly, the pepperoni didn’t stand out as much as I hoped, getting lost in between the ham and jalapeño. Speaking of the jalapeño, its mild spiciness and flavor are the reasons why I enjoyed this Hot Pocket more than I thought I would. Its heat is not going to make you instantly reach for a glass of water, but it’s going to make you think you should have one handy.

Overall, if the idea of Hawaiian pizza doesn’t gross you out and the idea of eating a Hot Pocket doesn’t gross you out, then I really suggest you try the Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza before they disappear. The combination of sweet pineapple and savory meats with spicy jalapeño peppers makes for a very mouthwatering ménage à trois.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Hot Pocket – 290 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 610 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamin and minerals.)

*Uses partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

Item: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza
Price: $3.89 (on sale)
Size: 2 Hot Pockets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A mouthwatering ménage à trois of sweet, savory, and spicy. Lots of Canadian-style bacon. Jalapeño adds a mild spiciness and makes this Hot Pocket better than I thought it would be. A future Hot Pockets/CPK crossover.
Cons: Pineapples might be off-putting for many. The idea of a Hot Pocket might be off-putting for many. Pepperoni wasn’t noticeable. Not a lot of pineapple chunks. It’s a limited edition product. Uses partially hydrogenated oil.

NEWS: Healthy Choice Gets Inspired by ‘Top Chef’ and Healthy Choice

Marvo — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 11:26:26 +0000

Do you watch Top Chef and think to yourself, “Damn, I want to try what they made, but licking my television isn’t helping.” Well, pretty soon you’ll be able to taste Top Chef-inspired meals in microwaveable form, thanks to a partnership between Healthy Choice and Top Chef.

The Top Chef-inspired line of Healthy Choice Café Steamers come in eight varieties:

Barbeque Steak with Red Potatoes – Beef with roasted potatoes, vegetables and uncured bacon in a whiskey BBQ sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 330 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 55 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, and 20 grams of protein.)

Chicken Fresca – Chicken tenderloins with red skin potatoes & vegetables in a Chardonnay wine sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 240 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 570 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, and 16 grams of protein.)

Chicken Linguini with Red Pepper Alfredo – Chicken tenderloins with linguini & broccoli in a roasted red pepper Alfredo sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 260 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 510 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, and 22 grams of protein.)

Chicken Margherita with Balsamic – Chicken tenderloins with angel hair pasta, roasted garlic & tomatoes in a balsamic vinaigrette sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 320 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 600 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, and 22 grams of protein.)

Grilled Chicken Marinara with Parmesan – Chicken tenderloins with whole grain penne & broccoli in a zesty marinara sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 280 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 570 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, and 20 grams of protein.)

Grilled Chicken Pesto with Vegetables – Chicken tenderloins with rotini pasta, zucchini, & spinach in a basil pesto sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 310 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 550 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, and 21 grams of protein.)

Grilled Vegetables Mediterranean with Rice – Grilled eggplant & vegetables, whole grain & barley, and olive oil in a mild tomato sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 230 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 600 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, and 6 grams of protein.)

Roasted Chicken Marsala with Mushrooms – Chicken tenderloins with whole grain penne, asparagus & sauteed onions with marsala wine sauce. (Nutrition Facts: 240 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 420 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, and 18 grams of protein.)

While all these varieties sound good, they also sound familiar. Very familiar. After doing several Google searches, I found Healthy Choice already has Café Steamers in some of the same varieties, like Roasted Chicken Marsala, Grilled Vegetables Mediterranean, Grilled Chicken Marinara, Chicken Margherita, and Grilled White Meat Chicken & Roasted Red Pepper Alfredo Sauce. Strange.

Healthy Choice Top Chef Inspired Café Steamers will be popping up in the frozen food aisle later this month.

Source: Bravo TV website

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake

Stephanie — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 10:00:33 +0000

The longevity of Hot Pockets has hinged upon two things: 1) Their manufacturer’s ability to successfully stuff as many different things into a tender, seasoned crust as possible; and 2) Speedy microwave zap-ability. If either of these things changed for the worse, the Hot Pockets franchise would be deader than the skin on the roof of your mouth after biting into one too soon.

We’ve already seen the various styles of Hot Pocket crust filled with pizza toppings, deli meats, casseroles, meatballs, breakfast scrambles, taco/quesadilla fixings, and a plethora of hot sandwich combos (e.g. cheeseburger, sloppy joe, philly cheese steak, and barbecue chicken). Given this lengthy list of stuffed sandwiches, one may wonder, “Is there no limit to the ingredients they can stuff inside these crusts?” Trust me, there are limits. There are some things you would never want to see stuffed in a Hot Pocket: Bubblegum, iron ore, nothing but black olives, shoelaces, unshelled walnuts, Kleenex, eleven Habanero peppers, rubber cement, tripe… So barring these abominations, what other Hot Pocket flavor combinations could possibly tickle our taste buds? Mini penne in cheese sauce, that’s what.

We now have the Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pocket – a garlic-seasoned crust stuffed with pasta and cheese. It’s so ludicrously simple that I’m surprised Hot Pockets hasn’t tried to do this already. People tend to like pasta and people tend to like cheese. Pasta + Cheese + Crust = Yum. Never let it be said I didn’t excel at mathematics. Delicious mathematics.

As is the general rule within the Hot Pockets family, the Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake is simple to prepare – 2 minutes in the microwave in its specially-designed cooking sleeve, and you have a molten-hot stuffed sandwich. In this case, melted cheese (four different ones!) began to ooze out of the sides of my Hot Pocket and burned my fingers (four different ways!), but I’m used to that. They’re not called Room-Temperature Pockets for a reason. Definitely wait a few minutes before chowing down.

Upon first bite, you’ll quickly find that the garlic sauce and four cheese mixture has a nice, creamy, gooey texture, and the pasta has not become super-mushy. The crust is crisp around the edges and nicely seasoned – you can really taste the garlic. I’d say the sensation is like a highly-advanced grilled cheese sandwich. The pieces of miniature penne are very small… You would almost forget they were in there if it weren’t for the fact that the Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pocket has a decent noodle/cheese ratio. But we’re not talking mouthfuls of penne. The only mouthful you have with the Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pocket is when you say its name.

I’m glad they introduced the Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pocket. It’s quick and tasty and fills a flavor niche I didn’t know existed. Since it’s Limited Edition, I don’t know how long this variety will be sold, but I hope it’s popular enough to persuade the Hot Pockets gods to let it stick around permanently… and will dissuade them from introducing Limited Edition 2-Ply Toilet Paper and Rocks Hot Pockets.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 290 calories, 10 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 25% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Other Hot Pockets Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake reviews:
KJ’s Food Review

Item: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake
 Price: $2.00 (on sale) 
Size: 2 sandwiches 
Purchased at: Ralphs 
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Speedy microwave zap-ability. Warm, crispy garlic-seasoned crust. Highly-advanced grilled cheese sandwiches. Creamy and gooey garlic sauce/four cheese mixture. Decent noodle/cheese ratio. Mini penne is not mushy. Mathematics can be delicious.
Cons: Limited Edition only, so may not be around later. Not called Room-Temperature Pockets for a reason. Amount of pasta in the Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pocket isn’t a mouthful, but the name is. Hot Pockets stuffed with toilet paper and rocks.

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Broccoli Cheddar Dip with Pita Bread & Lean Cuisine Spinach Artichoke Dip with Pita Bread

Kelley — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 10:37:54 +0000

Do you work in an office? Do you work in an office but don’t actually HAVE an office? If this is the case, you have probably eaten, or witnessed a co-worker eat, a Lean Cuisine lunch. They microwave fast, there’s nothing to assemble, and they’re usually on sale for pretty cheap. The perfect lunch for a cubicle monkey with a slim wallet and a half-hour to eat.

Unfortunately, for all that convenience, you sacrifice on flavor. I have eaten many a Lean Cuisine in my day; some are just bad, and some are, well.. acceptable. I have never eaten one where I went, “Wow, this is actually good!” They’re bland, but they keep you from starving for the rest of the day.

This is why I strongly recommend you assemble a Condiment Station in one of your desk drawers. (It should probably be right next to your Snack Station. What, you don’t have a Snack Station? Get thee some Cheez-Its and chocolate-covered espresso beans, stat!) My big three are Tapatio hot sauce, Sriracha, and soy sauce. These will bring flavor to just about any variety of frozen meal.

When I saw that Lean Cuisine had started a new line of snacks, I was intrigued. Not satisfied with blandifying your lunch, LC now strives to dominate your snack break, going up against Big Vending Machine. According to their website, “LEAN CUISINE® Snacks let you savor your snack time in so many ways! Enjoy creamy and cheesy in three flavors with our new dips, served with warm pita wedges.”

The dips come in three flavors: Spinach Artichoke, Broccoli Cheddar and Garden Vegetable. I chose the first two because I cannot resist trying any spinach artichoke dip and I also cannot resist broccoli cheddar soup. I’ve been burned before on both counts, but I’ve also had some delicious experiences. I quietly turned away from Garden Vegetable, because the word “vegetable” makes me break out in hives. I have to say “partially hydrogenated oil” three times whenever I see the word.

Each box comes with two snacks. Each snack consists of a small plastic cup containing the dip and a small half of a pita wrapped in plastic. Cooking couldn’t be easier – slit the plastic cover of the dip cup and microwave for 1 minute 45 seconds (for an 1100 watt microwave; add 30 seconds for a 700 watt), remove, stir, slit pita wrapper, pop in microwave for 20 seconds (30 for 700 watt), BOOM! A warm snack in just over two minutes, no outside containers or utensils required. Well, I guess you need something to stir the dip. Eh, grab a coffee stirrer. Or live on the edge and stir it with your pita. Get creative.

The mechanics make it sound like Lean Cuisine Dips are a fine substitute for a boring bag of Fritos out of the machine, but is the execution really there? And what about taste? Let’s find out.

Broccoli Cheddar Dip with Pita Bread

My microwave has to be “special” and operate at 900 watts instead of 700 or 1100, so I adjusted the cooking time accordingly. Both the dip and the pita came out perfectly; the dip was hot but not tongue-scorching, and the pita was comfortingly warm. I was surprised at how soft the pita was; it tore easily and was fluffy but thick enough to support dip. It wasn’t very flavorful, but that was okay; I considered it merely a humble vessel to carry the dip. It had just the right chewy consistency to compliment the dip as I tore off the pieces and shoved them in my mouth.

As for the dip, my first thought was, damn, this is a small cup. However, I had to remind myself that this was intended as a snack, not a meal. I would have preferred a wider but shallower cup, however, as the dip was quite chunky, which made dipping into such a small opening a little bit challenging and messy at times.

Speaking of chunky, I was surprised at how large the pieces of broccoli were in the dip. They also had a bright, fresh broccoli taste and just a bit of crunch, which was perfect. The cheese itself had an overly processed flavor that I tolerated, but I also willingly eat Easy Cheese, so others might not be so kind. It tasted more like Velveeta than like real cheddar cheese. I’m a little creeped out by Velveeta. It’s like a squishy, foil-covered brick of unnatural orange goop. Don’t ask me why that’s somehow more disturbing than unnatural orange goop that squirts out of a can.

There were some little red bits mixed in that I couldn’t identify; Lean Cuisine describes the dip as “cheddar cheese, broccoli and onion in a creamy cheese sauce”, but their website says they use white onion, so I don’t know what the red bits were. I deemed them “Mystery Food Confetti”. Regardless, there was a hint of onion on the back end, which was nice, but I would have liked a little bit more of it while I was chewing.

While in a deceptively small cup, there is a fair amount of dip for a good-sized snack. I found that the pita-to-dip ratio was almost spot on, although I’m not one to be stingy about the amount of dip that gets piled on the pita vessel. I was disappointed that some of my dip burned and got fused to the side of the cup, which is odd, since the rest of the dip wasn’t even lava-hot after I nuked it.

Overall, I was pretty pleased with both the pita and the broccoli cheddar dip. The cheese did taste processed and it did burn a little, but it cooked fast, came out just the right temperature for immediate consumption, and the broccoli was spot-on. And, hold on to your hats people, Lean Cuisine actually managed to add some goddamn salt to one of their products, which goes a long way in bringing out the flavor.

Spinach Artichoke Dip with Pita Bread

A lot of what I said in regards to the Broccoli Cheddar Dip applies to the Spinach Artichoke Dip, too. The pita bread was once again fluffy but largely flavorless, the dip was hot but not scorching, and there was some dip that got burned onto the cup. This dip was smoother than the Broccoli Cheddar, so there was less of an issue with big chunks and messiness.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Lean Cuisine really hit the spot on this one. This is one of the best frozen spinach artichoke dips I have ever had. The spinach was nice and creamy, there was a lovely touch of garlic, and while the artichoke bits were smaller than I’ve experienced in other dips, it works because of the small cup size. With smaller bits comes a little less flavor, but they were still welcome.

The real belle of the ball here was the Parmesan cheese sauce. Unlike the cheddar in the Broccoli Cheddar Dip, this cheese tastes totally authentic and is bursting with flavor. There is “American cheese spread” listed in the ingredients, but what really comes through is a lovely, creamy texture and the bold taste of Parmesan. I could even taste a hint of asiago. The Parmesan and the garlic together were fabulous. It was like two hot chicks making out in my mouth. I’m…not entirely sure that’s the right analogy, but I’ll go with it.

I went pretty easy on the Broccoli Cheddar Dip, praising Lean Cuisine for creating a food that actually has flavor and seasoning. After having the Spinach Artichoke Dip, however, I feel that Lean Cuisine could have done much better with the cheddar. The broccoli was great (despite the pieces being a little too big for the cup), but the cheese makes the dip, and that fell short. That said, if you want a warm snack and can’t find Spinach Artichoke, Broccoli Cheddar still beats the sad bag of Bugles that’s been sitting untouched in the vending machine for two months.

As for the Spinach Artichoke Dip, sign me up as a fan for life. Great spinach, delicious Parmesan cheese, and just the right amount of garlic, salted well and ready with a capable pita delivery system in-box in under three minutes. Perfect for the seriously lazy or the cubicle monkey with a short break and the mid-afternoon munchies. My only complaint is that there’s always a portion of the dip that burns and fuses to the cup – I’ve already eaten both servings of both dips, and the scorch fusion happened all four times.

I expected Lean Cuisine to take me on the usual trip to Blandsville, but I was instead routed to Flavor Country, which contains a small town called Holy Balls There’s Salt in This Thing. (Locals just call it Holy Balls, which makes for some interesting small talk with visitors.) They’ve actually got me intrigued enough that I might actually try the Garden Vegetable Dip. Crap, I said the V-word.

Partiallyhydrogenatedoil. Partiallyhydrogenatedoil. Partiallyhydrogenatedoil.

(Nutrition Facts – Lean Cuisine Broccoli Cheddar Dip with Pita Bread – 1 Pita Pocket & 1 Dip – 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 420 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 10% calcium and 10% iron. Lean Cuisine Spinach Artichoke Dip with Pita Bread – 1 Pita Pocket & 1 Dip – 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 460 milligrams of sodium, 290 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 15% calcium and 10% iron.)

Other Lean Cuisine Dip with Pita Bread reviews:
If You Give A Girl Chocolate

Item: Lean Cuisine Broccoli Cheddar Dip with Pita Bread & Lean Cuisine Spinach Artichoke Dip with Pita Bread
Price: $2.99
 Size: 2 snacks (8 ounces)
 Purchased at: Safeway 
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Broccoli Cheddar)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Spinach Artichoke) 
Pros: Fast, warm, filling snack. Hot chicks making out. Pita was soft, thick and just the right size. Conquering Big Vending Machine. Broccoli was flavorful and had good texture. Mystery Food Confetti. Spinach Artichoke Dip was creamy and had great Parmesan and garlic flavors.
Cons: Part of dip consistently burned onto cup. Rebellious microwave wattage. Cheddar in broccoli dip too processed-tasting. Blandsville. Cup too small for size of broccoli chunks. Having OCD over the V-word. Admitting Lean Cuisine made a great Spinach Artichoke Dip.

WEEK IN REVIEWS – 5/21/2011

Marvo — Sat, 21 May 2011 10:00:00 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Now that IHOP has frozen breakfast items, perhaps it’s time for Denny’s to flash freeze their Grand Slams. (via Freezer Burns and Foodette Reviews)

This is quite possibly the saddest looking sandwich I’ve ever seen. (via Tasty Lies)

Hmm…I wonder what’s more mood relaxing — drinking a Marley’s Mellow Mood Relaxation Beverage or pouring out the contents of a Marley’s Mellow Mood Relaxation Beverage, turning the can into a bong, and then smoking some weed from it. (via What I Drink At Work)

Starbucks’ Red Velvet Whoopie Pie sounds good. But is it good enough to make me tolerate waiting in a Starbucks line. (via Brand Eating)

To be perfectly honest, I started a frozen food review blog just so I could blurt out a legitimate reason for buying Kid Cuisine meals just in case someone ever asked me if I’m a pedofile when they see the lone Kid Cuisine meal in my shopping bag as I get into my ice cream truck. (via Freezer Aisle Files)

Image via flickr user SimonDoggett / CC BY 2.0

WEEK IN REVIEWS – 5/14/2011

Marvo — Sat, 14 May 2011 10:00:00 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

I started up a frozen food review blog called Freezer Aisle Files. It’s been up for a few weeks and so far I’ve discovered it would take a lifetime to review every single Lean Cuisine meal and I learned what suiza is. (via Freezer Aisle Files)

If the drink of choice at the 19th hole of a golf course is beer, then I guess this energy shot for golfers could be the drink of choice at hole number zero. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

What would I do for a new Rocky Road Klondike Bar? Well, I’d see if my local grocer carries it, and if they do, I’d look to see if it’s on sale. If it’s not, I’ll wait until it does or I’ll search the coupon websites I’ve bookmarked and see if there’s a coupon I can print. If it’s on sale, I’ll first see if Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen Dazs has a new flavor and I’ll pick up that instead. But if not, I’ll probably get the Rocky Road Klondike Bar. (via On Second Scoop)

Trader Joe’s has a Japanese rice and vegetable bento box. Sounds like Trader Joe’s loves Asian boxes as much as I do. (via Freezer Burns)

Adam at Grub Grade reviewed the new McDonald’s McCafe Chocolate Banana Shake…which he purchased at eight in the morning. Well, it looks like I’ll be ordering a milkshake with my next Sausage McMuffin. (via Grub Grade)

Image via flickr user Corey Ann / CC BY ND 2.0

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits

Stephanie — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 10:00:27 +0000

Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a food scientist? I mean, somewhere in this country, right now, in any number of laboratories, there are chemists standing around in white lab coats, creating the next flavor sensation over a Bunsen burner and an Erlenmeyer flask. Do they have a list of objectives for each new invention? “Step 1: Create new convenience food. Step 2: Test flavor. Make improvements if necessary. Step 3: Collect paycheck. Buy Maserati.” Seriously, some of these folks earn up to six figures. When you throw in the added challenge of using meat substitutes for dishes traditionally reserved for the real thing, it makes that hefty paycheck seem all the more reasonable, especially if it turns out pretty well.

Morningstar Farms has a nice fake meat thing going on, and it appears their food technicians have mad skills in the stuffed sandwich science department. It’s like they took a look at the other smaller, less flavorful stuffed breakfast sandwich failures on the grocery shelves and said to themselves, “We can rebuild these. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first frozen, vegetarian stuffed sandwich with fake sausage.” They vowed that the Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit would be that sandwich… A Six-Million Dollar Biscuit, sold for $6. Hot, buttery, and fluffy on the inside, crispy and flaky on the outside, and stuffed with delicious, low-fat ingredients that won’t slide out. And it would be huge for a frozen biscuit. Not teensy like some other brands. Better. Stronger. Tastier. And there’d be a fake bacon one, too.

I’m pleased to say that, on the whole, those crazy scientists have succeeded. The other frozen vegetarian sandwiches I’ve tried just don’t compare to the Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. For one, the other sandwiches lack fake meat, opting for just eggs and cheese. I’ve always preferred breakfast sandwiches that combine the holy trinity of eggs, cheese and some type of meat, and having low-fat, vegetarian sausage crumbles in place of full-fat pork or turkey sausage makes the whole thing even more attractive. Sometimes you just crave that third flavor in a sandwich to kind of balance everything out. Three is the magic number, after all. It’s science.

However, I discovered that the number three isn’t so wonderful. Startlingly, it took me three separate attempts to cook the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit to an appropriate temperature and texture. It’s pretty strange, considering the warning on the box that the biscuit filling may be “EXTREMELY HOT” after cooking (presumably once), and that the biscuits themselves may be “too hot to handle.” It took a lot more time to get either of these advisories to come true. And even then, it was never too hot to handle.

The first time, I followed the package’s microwave instructions, and the result was just okay. The innards had been sufficiently cooked, but the biscuit itself was left a little bit spongy. On my second try, I used the conventional oven instructions and discovered to my horror, that the innards were still a bit cool, even after sitting in a 400-degree oven for 20 minutes. For my final attempt, I combined the two methods: I microwaved the biscuit for 15 seconds then placed it in the oven for the full amount of time. It came out perfectly: soft, warm, crispy-on-the-edges biscuit on the outside with a hot, sausage-egg-and-cheese mixture on the inside. The texture of the veggie sausage crumbles was exactly what I expected, but the cheese was a bit runny and may have gotten soaked up by the scrambled egg. It tasted much better than before, though. Good thing they sell these things in boxes of three.

The Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit makes an excellent breakfast, but not if you’re in any particular hurry. The Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit is indeed state-of-the-art, but the Morningstar Farms scientists should have been a little more precise with their cooking instructions. Getting the temperature of my breakfast just right was a trial that brought me a little closer to the plight of a true food scientist… only the reward for my scientific experimentation had slightly less vrooom.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 biscuit (105g) – 270 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 190 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein. 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 15% iron.)

Other Morningstar Farms Biscuits reviews:
Fork Fantasy (Sausage, Egg & Cheese)
Yum Yucky (Bacon, Egg & Cheese)

Item: Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits
Price: $3.99 (on sale; normally $5.99)
Size: 3 biscuits/11.1 ounces
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Buttery biscuit. Low-fat breakfast. Savory vegetarian sausage crumbles. “3″ is the magic number. Bigger and denser than other stuffed breakfast sandwiches. Erlenmeyer flasks. Lee Majors.
Cons: Took three different attempts to get the right temperature and texture. Liquid cheese. Not for those in a rush. Less horsepower than a Maserati. $6 regular price tag.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Snackers (Loaded Potato Skin Bites, Grilled Italian Style Bites, Fiesta Nacho Bites & Toasted Five Cheese Ravioli)

Marvo — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 12:40:18 +0000

Baked Not Fried*

Those three words are on the front of every package of the new Hot Pockets Snackers. But what’s that snowflake-shaped thingie that’s hanging on the end of those three words like a piece of poop hanging from a dog’s fur around its poop chute? That, my friend, is an asterisk and it’s the shifty side of the eight key on your keyboard.

If you’re a person who doesn’t like to read, an asterisk always leads to more reading, which begins with another asterisk that hangs at the front of a sentence or phrase like a piece of snot hanging from one’s nose. Whenever there’s an asterisk on food packaging it can lead to three things:

1) An obligatory line found in every nutrition facts label: “Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

2) Something scary that food companies, sometimes by law, have to let you know about, like “This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration”, “Contains MSG naturally occurring in foods”, “Ingredients not in regular mozzarella cheese” or “If you’re a male who’s 35 or older, hide this box of Lucky Charms when women come over*.”

3) Something the food company didn’t really need to tell us, like what the asterisk after Baked Not Fried leads to — NOT A LOW FAT FOOD

Duh.

I don’t know of anyone who thinks Hot Pockets is a low-fat food, although I do know of people who think Lean Pockets will make them skinny. Hot Pockets Snackers are definitely not a low-fat food, but they aren’t a high-fat food either, like other Hot Pockets. They’re like fancier and slightly bigger pizza bites, or Hot Pockets for babies**.

They come in four varieties:

Toasted Five Cheese Ravioli – mozzarella, ricotta, romano, parmesan and asiago cheese in a toasted ravioli. I wish I could say my tongue was talented enough to distinguish every cheese in the Hot Pockets Snackers, but my tongue is only good for one thing, ladies. I could only detect the mozzarella and parmesan, but I wonder how much of each cheese they stuffed into each one because there wasn’t much cheese filling. It’s definitely my least favorite of the four flavors. Although while being microwaved, it made my place smell like parmesan.

Fiesta Nacho Bites – taco seasoned beef, mexican style cheese sauce, and jalapenos in a tortilla style crust. Despite reading that there were jalapenos in it, I didn’t think there would be any heat, just the flavor of the peppers. However, there is a mild level of heat, maybe a 3 or 4 on a scale of 10. These triangular-shaped Snackers have a good flavor to them thanks to the jalapenos. It tasted like either something from Taco Bell or Mexican Hamburger Helper was stuffed into it***.

Grilled Italian Style Bites – Italian style deli meats and mozzarella cheese inside a panini crust. I enjoyed these as much as the Fiesta Nacho Bites. The prosciutto cotto, salami, and capicola provided wonderful flavor with a little spice. It had a decent amount of filling and the panini crust came out soft. Probably the fanciest of the four, but then again isn’t everything Italian considered fancy.

Loaded Potato Skin Bites – bacon, cheddar cheese, potatoes and green onion inside a golden potato crust. My second least favorite. While it did taste like potato skins, it didn’t have a strong flavor, even though there was as much filling as some of the others. The golden potato crust easily beats Pringles as the most embarrassing way for potatoes to end up. Despite being made of potatoes, the crust has very little potato flavor and was a bit too chewy. Thank goodness for the additional potatoes stuffed into it to give it a recognizable amount of potato flavor.

A serving of four takes about one minute and fifteen seconds to warm up, and there is no crisping sleeve. However, the instructions, which comes in English and Spanish, says completing the cooking process also involves letting it sit in the microwave for two minutes. So that one minute claim on the front of the package is misleading. Also, Hot Pockets really needs to work on preventing the filling in their products from oozing out while microwaving. And why do I have to use a damn paper plate to heat Hot Pockets? I don’t go on picnics, nor am I a hoarder who needs to use paper plates because my sink, which is blocked by a mountain of stuff that is valuable to me and no one else, is full of dishes that haven’t been washed in months.

Overall, my opinion is split between the different flavors of Hot Pockets Snackers. The Fiesta Nacho Bites and Grilled Italian Style Bites are the tastiest and have crusts that turn out decent from the microwave, while the Toasted Five Cheese Ravioli and Loaded Potato Skin Bites don’t have strong flavors and have tough crusts after being microwaved. However, the Hot Pockets Snackers does make it possible to create a Hot Pockets Diet****, which is like the Special K Diet, except instead of a bowl of Special K for breakfast and lunch, and a Special K snack in between meals, the Hot Pockets Diet would consist of a Hot Pocket for breakfast and lunch, and these Hot Pockets Snackers to help curb hunger in between meals.

*Not on boxes of Lucky Charms.

**If you feed your baby Hot Pockets, you are a horrible parent.

***Might be a good or bad thing, depends on how you feel about Taco Bell or Hamburger Helper.

****Don’t attempt to make the Hot Pockets Diet a reality.

(Nutrition Facts – 4 pieces – Potato Skin Bites – 230 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 610 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 20% calcium, and 6% iron. Italian Style Bites – 210 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 500 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of protein, 10% calcium, and 10% iron. Five Cheese Ravioli – 220 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 540 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 20% calcium, and 10% iron. Fiesta Nacho Bites – 220 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 540 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 10% iron.)

*Made using partially hydrogenated oils.

Other Hot Pockets Snackers review:
Freezer Burns

Item: Hot Pockets Snackers (Loaded Potato Skin Bites, Grilled Italian Style Bites, Fiesta Nacho Bites & Toasted Five Cheese Ravioli)
Price: $3.00 (on sale; reg. $4.79)
Size: 10 ounces/Approx. 12 pieces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Loaded Potato Skin Bites)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Grilled Italian Style Bites)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Fiesta Nacho Bites)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Toasted Five Cheese Ravioli)
Pros: Grilled Italian Style Bites and Fiesta Nacho Bites were tasty and have crusts that microwave well. Baked not fried. Like fancy pizza bites. Using asterisks to create ASCII pictures. Hot Pockets Snackers package may contain an extra one or two pieces. Might be able to stuff these Hot Pockets into a regular Hot Pocket to make Jim Gaffigan’s nightmare come true.
Cons: Not a low-fat food. Loaded Potato Skin Bites and Toasted Five Cheese Ravioli lacked strong flavors and had crusts that don’t microwave well. Good source of sodium. Microwave instructions are misleading because it takes over three minutes to warm them up. Made with partially hydrogenated oils. Using asterisks to let people know how scary their food could be.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 2/19/2011

Marvo — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 10:00:19 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

You can ride either this rollercoaster of deep fried fair foods or this rollercoaster of weird foods, but both of them will get you nauseous by the end. (via Tampa Bay Food Monster and The Surfing Pizza)

If cutting up my upper palate is Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Treasure, then I don’t want any of it. (via Rodzilla Reviews)

Poor Mr. Kipling (via Foodstuff Finds)

Pringles in a bag and not in a can? Isn’t that one of the signs of the Snackapocalypse, along with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos falling from the sky? (via Munchies Blog)

Stouffer’s Fried Chicken meal claims to have new and improved mashed potatoes, but one person’s “new and improved” is another person’s “new and improved?” (via Tasty Lies)

If I bring together two cans of Diva’s Energy Drink, will they have some kind of diva singing competition? I guess I just admitted I watch Glee. (via Energy Fiend)

Image via flickr user Intamin10 / CC BY ND 2.0

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls (Fajita-Style Chicken, Garlic Chicken and Thai-Style Chicken)

Marvo — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 21:16:45 +0000

According to the Lean Cuisine website, they’re promoting their new Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls as snacks. But, I’ve never thought of spring rolls as a snack. These potato chips I’m eating that are making my keyboard greasy while I’m typing this is a snack. This candy bar I’m also eating that makes my keyboard sticky while I’m typing this is a snack. These cookies I’m also eating that leave crumbs on my keyboard that find their way between the keys and cause them to jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam is also a snack. But spring rolls…no.

I’ve always thought of springs rolls as an appetizer, or as the French say, hors d’oeuvres. They’re also usually the only menu item I can pronounce without offending anyone at Vietnamese or Thai restaurants.

The Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls come in three varieties: Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls with white meat chipotle chicken, corn, black beans, bell peppers and onions; Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls that contain white meat chicken, garlic, spinach, onions and parmesan cheese; and Thai-Style Spring Rolls that contain white meat chicken, shredded cabbage, julienne yellow carrots and spicy red coconut curry.

Each spring roll measures 4.25 inches long and about an inch wide, and they really don’t look like what’s pictured on the box, thanks to the burnt ends. But then again, what product in the history of frozen microwaveable foods looks like the picture on the front of the box. Each box comes with two servings of three spring rolls, and each serving comes with its own crisping sleeve, but no dipping sauce. The effectiveness of the crisping sleeve varies. They do a good job of crisping the ends of each roll, but the middle, not so much. Also, once prepared, the exterior is a little greasy.

The chipotle chicken in the Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls has a smidgen of heat and a decent flavor. The black beans and onions were also noticeable, but despite being able to see chunks of corn and bell peppers, I couldn’t distinguish them from the other ingredients, and, although I’m not a lawyer, I think they’re just in there so they can legally be called “Fajita-style.”

After reading the front of its box, I thought the Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls would be really good, creating a spinach dip-like flavor. The garlic and parmesan cheese were the strongest flavors, but the combination of all the ingredients created a weird amalgamation of flavors that destroyed my hopes for these spring rolls and made them my least favorite of the three.

As for the Thai-Style Spring Rolls, I was equally as disappointed with them as the Garlic Chicken variety. I expected the spicy red coconut curry to be a strong flavor and for it to be spicy, but it wasn’t. The carrots stood out for some strange reason, which is fine for rabbits, but not for me. Also, with each bite, I didn’t taste the curry at first, but after chewing several times, the curry flavor starts to come out. It’s as if the curry needs the enzymes in my saliva to activate.

I can’t say I was blown away by any of these Lean Cuisine Spring Roll varieties, but if I had to pick a favorite, it would have to be the Fajita-Style Spring Rolls because it’s the only flavor doesn’t taste a bit off. The other two flavors aren’t god-awful, but I don’t think they’re worth getting my keyboard greasy because of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 spring rolls – Fajita-Style Chicken – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein. Garlic Chicken – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of sugar, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein. Thai-Style Chicken – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Other Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls reviews:
Foodette Reviews
Tasty Lies – Thai-Style Chicken and Garlic Chicken
I Ate A Pie

Item: Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls (Fajita-Style Chicken, Garlic Chicken and Thai-Style Chicken)
Price: $3.79
Size: Six spring rolls
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Fajita-Style Chicken)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Garlic Chicken)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Thai-Style Chicken)
Pros: Two packs of three spring rolls per box. Fajita-Style Chicken was the best tasting of the three. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Being able to order something at a Thai restaurant without offending anyone.
Cons: Garlic Chicken and Thai-Style Chicken taste a bit off. Spring rolls aren’t snacks. Exterior is a little greasy. Crisping sleeve doesn’t do a thorough job of crisping. Curry flavor in Thai-Style Chicken takes awhile to come out. Garlic Chicken has a weird garlic flavor. Keyboard keys getting jammed due to crumbs.

REVIEW: Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar

Kelley — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 04:00:55 +0000

I’ve always generally regarded Hot Pockets as the fast and easy food favored by stoners and people who pee into empty Mountain Dew bottles so they don’t have to leave their computer chair and risk missing part of their guild’s raid.

On the other hand, I’ve always regarded Lean Pockets as the fast and easy food favored by cubicle monkeys who don’t really care what they eat during their 30 minute lunch break but would like to at least pretend whatever bland food they cram down their maw is mildly healthy. Added bonus: no utensils required.

Lean Pockets has introduced several different products throughout the years in an attempt to keep your taste buds a little less bored as you sit in the break room trying to ignore the loud smacking sounds coming from the sweaty guy in accounting sitting across from you at the table. There’s Stuffed Quesadillas, Culinary Creations, Seasoned Crusts, and now – Pretzel Bread Sandwiches.

From Lean Pockets’ website: “Why dip a soft pretzel when you can stuff it? Premium meats, veggies, and cheese wrapped in warm, soft pretzel bread. Hello, amazing!”

I can’t ever imagine calling any Lean Pockets product “amazing”, but hey. They seem pretty proud of themselves. I won’t burst their bubble until I’ve tried it. I find the stuffing over dipping a soft pretzel angle interesting. I imagine what they’re going for here is something along these lines: “Hey, you like Auntie Anne’s pretzels at the mall, right? Enjoy dipping them in those little cups of sauce? Well, you’re at work, and the mall is too far away, so you’re going to have to settle for this enjoy this amazing Pretzel Bread Sandwich!”

It’s a thin premise, but I’ll go with it. The Pretzel Bread Sandwiches currently come in two flavors: Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar and Roasted Turkey with Bacon and Reduced Fat Cheese. I went with the former because I’m a tool and I still think I can find a fast or frozen food that actually delivers on the jalapeño heat. The latter seems kind of all over the place – turkey is always considered the healthy white meat, the cheese is reduced fat, and yet there’s bacon, generally considered delicious but nowhere near healthy. I prefer my lunches less…schizophrenic.

What the Lean Pockets website has to say about Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar: “You can’t have a soft pretzel without the spice of tangy Jalapeño cheddar. And why not add grilled white meat chicken while you’re at it? (Oh wait, we did all that.)”

Many people would probably disagree with the first sentence. There are lots of different dipping options for soft pretzels. Lucky for Lean Pockets, I agree with them on that point. “Why not” is a bit of a slippery slope…”Why not add the chewing gum I found on the bottom of my shoe last week? Why not add the nuts and bolts I found under the bread-baking machine?” Okay, I’m being a little outrageous. But that’s what makes slippery slopes fun!

The Pretzel Bread Sandwiches come with the classic crisping sleeve. One sandwich takes 2 minutes and 15 seconds to cook in the microwave. The sandwich seemed a little small to make a full lunch. In frozen form, you can see the large crystals of salt on the sandwich, a staple of soft pretzels. After being cooked, the salt crystals melt into the crust. I was surprised to see that the crust was indeed golden brown. The smell was exactly like that of a soft pretzel you’d get at the mall or maybe a stadium. I was surprised at how fragrant and authentic it smelled.

I was disappointed when I cut the Lean Pocket open, however. It looked like a bunch of pale mush. I decided to butterfly one of the halves to really get a good look inside. There were some bits of red and green pepper, but it still didn’t look that encouraging.

I have to say, had these ingredients been inside a regular Lean Pocket pouch, my general review of the sandwich would have been “Hey, there’s actually some heat from the jalapeños in here. The cheese is creamy. Otherwise, blandsville.” The chicken was completely flavorless and basically just acted like filler. The cheese was your typical Hot/Lean Pocket cheese, creamy but generally flavorless. What actually made these Lean Pockets stand out was the pretzel shell. It tasted just like a soft pretzel, salty and flavorful. I hate to agree with such a silly premise, but having a pretzel shell that really tasted like a pretzel made the cheese and the jalapeños taste a lot like a pretzel dipped in jalapeño cheddar sauce. The chicken could’ve just disappeared; even the texture of it was mushy enough to be barely noticeable.

I would have classified the Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar as just another bland but acceptable lunch option, but the pretzel shell and the jalapeños really saved the day. The peppers aren’t hot enough that you’d need a glass of milk, but they make themselves known with the perfect amount of heat. The texture of the cheese works with the pretzel, which makes its lack of flavor more forgivable. The sandwich was a bit small and chicken itself could disappear and I never would have noticed, but overall these Pretzel Bread Sandwiches are a step above the usual boring Lean Pockets fare. It’s a small step, but a step nonetheless.

On a side note, I happened to look at a Hot Pockets review I wrote a while back and found something interesting – Lean Pockets Pretzel Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar has more calories, fat, saturated fat, cholesterol (over 200% more) and sodium than the Hot Pocket SideShots, and both boxes are nine ounces. That doesn’t seem very lean to me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 280 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 890 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar
Price: $1.99 (on sale; normally $2.50)
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, soft pretzel shell. Fun with slippery slopes. Perfect jalapeño heat. The word “blandsville.” Fast and easy to make.
Cons: Mushy, flavorless chicken. Food-smacking co-workers. Bland cheese. Unhygienic computer gamers. Not exactly “lean” Pockets.

NEWS: Lean Cuisine’s New Spring Rolls Are Something You Can Bring To Work For Lunch and Something Your Co-Workers Can Steal From The Company’s Lunch Room Refrigerator

Marvo — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 23:50:49 +0000

Update: Click here to read our Lean Cuisine Spring Rolls review

Spring rolls are typically an Asian dish, but the rebels at Lean Cuisine decided not to play by the culinary rules with their new line of Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls. They come in three ethnic varieties.

The Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls contain white meat chicken, garlic, spinach, onions and parmesan cheese. The Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls have white meat chipotle chicken, corn, black beans, bell peppers and onion. The Thai-Style Spring Rolls contains white meat chicken, shredded cabbage, julienne yellow carrots and spicy red coconut curry.

The folks that have filled the freezer aisle with a frozen meal variety that’s as vast as a Cheesecake Factory menu, call these spring rolls a “snack.” But I, and probably a Cheesecake Factory menu, think of them as appetizers, and something to make sure I don’t get hungry 20 minutes after eating a portion-controlled Lean Cuisine meal.

All three varieties have 200 calories, 7-8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 4 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 10-15 grams of protein, 580 milligrams of sodium, 23-24 grams of carbohydrates, and 1-2 grams of fiber.

The Lean Cuisine Casual Cuisine Spring Rolls are available now and each box contains two servings of three spring rolls.

Image via flickr user avlxyz / CC BY SA 2.0

NEWS: Lean Pockets Advances Stuffed Bread Technology With Their Pretzel Bread Sandwiches

Kelley — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 03:00:19 +0000

Updated: Click here to read our Lean Pocket Pretzel Bread Sandwich review

Lean Pockets, the skinnier sister of Hot Pockets and favored lunch of calorie-conscious office workers who hate utensils, has come out with a new vessel in which to stuff their meats and cheeses – Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches. They’re currently available in two flavors, Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar and Roasted Turkey with Bacon & Reduced Fat Cheese, both of which are stuffed into a soft pretzel pouch that will supposedly be golden brown.

As you sit down at the dirty break room table, bite into the soft pretzel vessel, and scream as molten lava cheese coats your mouth like napalm, take solace in knowing that each Pretzel Bread Sandwich contains only 280 calories. Then hit the water cooler, because your Pretzel Sandwich also has up to 39 percent of your daily recommended intake of sodium.

Lean Pockets has a product locator (http://www.leanpockets.com/wheretobuy/index.aspx?category=600&upc=4369500239) on their website, but I got a scary 401 Unauthorized error when I tried it, so I guess your best bet is to cruise the frozen food aisle if you’d like to try out their new Pretzel Bread Sandwiches.

Source: Lean Pockets Website

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 12/3/2010

Marvo — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 10:00:15 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Turkey Perky Jerky is quite quirky, but I think its energy giving ability is quite murky. Yeah, suck it, Dr. Seuss! I got the juice. (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

If Hot Pockets keeps attaching pockets to their Hot Pockets, will we soon have to call them Hot Cargo Pants? (via Freezer Burns)

The Food and Drug Administration is banning alcoholic energy drinks. I hope they’re not also planning to ban beer battered fries. (via Yum Yucky)

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a brownie hooked up with an Oreo cookie, wonder no more. (via Food Junk)

If only high fructose corn syrup was something I could buy off the shelf, then I would have something incestuous to sweeten Korean corn tea with. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Lotte Green Gum has chlorophyll. If I chew an entire pack, will I knock myself unconscious? Oh wait, I’m being told chloroform knocks people out. Dammit! Now I know why I’m having so much trouble kidnapping people at the park. (via Snack Love)

Image via flickr user Alan Vernon / CC BY 2.0