Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Turkey Perky Jerky is quite quirky, but I think its energy giving ability is quite murky. Yeah, suck it, Dr. Seuss! I got the juice. (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

If Hot Pockets keeps attaching pockets to their Hot Pockets, will we soon have to call them Hot Cargo Pants? (via Freezer Burns)

The Food and Drug Administration is banning alcoholic energy drinks. I hope they’re not also planning to ban beer battered fries. (via Yum Yucky)

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a brownie hooked up with an Oreo cookie, wonder no more. (via Food Junk)

If only high fructose corn syrup was something I could buy off the shelf, then I would have something incestuous to sweeten Korean corn tea with. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Lotte Green Gum has chlorophyll. If I chew an entire pack, will I knock myself unconscious? Oh wait, I’m being told chloroform knocks people out. Dammit! Now I know why I’m having so much trouble kidnapping people at the park. (via Snack Love)

Marvo covered Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers back in January, and now I’m here to tell you about the other SideShots: Sloppy Joes.

If you’re anything like me, and most people in this country probably are, the majority of your sloppy joe experiences have come from a pound of ground beef, a can of Manwich, and some cheap generic hamburger buns. In other words, you were a poor college student or a stoner. Or both.

I haven’t had sloppy joes in at least a few years, but I remember them being messy and guiltily tasty. As your bun falls apart two seconds after you ladle on the Manwich mixture and your face and hands get covered in tangy tomato sauce, you get the feeling that you are a little too old for eating something this cheap and messy. Messy ribs at a great barbecue joint? Acceptable. Messy $1 can of tomato mix? Unacceptable. Growing up sucks.

According to the official SideShots website, “Thanks to the mini soft-baked bun, Sloppy Joes no longer requires [sic] a fork for spillage.” Bad grammar aside, perhaps Hot Pockets has come up with a solution for us adults to enjoy sloppy joes without the sloppy. Microwaving two SideShots only takes a minute and 45 seconds, perfect for a rushed lunch at the office. Of course, there’s still the fact that you’re eating Hot Pockets. I don’t know if you noticed, but all the other grown-ups brought Lean Cuisines. You better hope they don’t find out about your adult Underoos.

The SideShots come in two packages of two. I found that two of them worked well for me as a sort of half-snack half-meal, but someone with a less delicate, feminine appetite could probably eat the whole box and call it a day.

What I didn’t expect when I opened the box is that the two SideShots per pack come attached to each other. My immediate thought was, of course, “BOOBS!” Then I read through Marvo’s review and saw that he’d already made a bra joke, totally destroying my bun pun.

Okay then.

Hot Pockets SideShots are in late telophase of the microwaveable snack mitosis cycle, wherein each individual SideShot has developed its own distinct sloppy joe nucleus and a bready cell plate has formed between the two. Cytokinesis occurs after the brief heating period has been completed, when the consumer of the SideShots separates the two distinct meaty cells by means of some type of knife or other device capable of cutting them in twain.

Now don’t you wish I’d just shouted “BOOBS!” instead?

My SideShots smelled pretty good when they got out of the microwave. The bread was aromatic, and the innards had a generic sloppy joe smell to them. The enjoyment pretty much ended there, though. While the bread was really soft and had a texture I didn’t think any Hot Pockets product could achieve, the sloppy joe mixture itself left much to be desired. The tomato sauce tasted like a mixture of ketchup and Chef Boyardee Spaghetti-Os sauce. The little bits of meat looked like rabbit pellets and were incredibly mushy. When I isolated one and tried it without the sauce, it had absolutely no flavor, which is disturbing, since there was a taste of beef when I took a bite of the whole thing. Must be something they hid in the sauce.

I decided to take a look at the ingredient list, and found some unsettling phrases, like “cooked beef patty crumble” (contains 13 sub-ingredients), “dough conditioner” (I did notice the silky smooth surface of the bread!), and “dried egg yolks” (that just sounds wrong). There were promising ingredients in there, like green peppers, onions, and garlic powder (the former two were listed under the “contains less than 2% of” section), but very little of the spices and flavorings like these that you would expect to find in a sloppy joe actually came though.

When I said earlier that “I found that two of them worked well for me as a sort of half-snack half-meal,” I was speaking strictly from a fullness standpoint, not a flavor perspective. Hot Pockets SideShots Sloppy Joe aren’t awful, they’re just substandard and, frankly, taste juvenile. It seems like the same type of person who would glean enjoyment out of a cup of Easy Mac would enjoy this product. Maybe I underestimated Manwich after all.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 buns – 270 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 710 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 8% calcium, 20% thiamine, 8% vitamin B12, 20% folic acid, 15% iron, 10% riboflavin, 15% niacin and 10% phosphorus.)

Other Hot Pockets SideShots Sloppy Joes reviews:
Freezer Burns

Item: Hot Pockets SideShots Sloppy Joes
Price: $2.49
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Bun was soft. Mitosis. Cooks up fast. Boobs. Bun contains the filling without spillage. Kids would probably love the taste.
Cons: Beef was mushy, flavorless and looked like rabbit pellets. Adult Underoos. Sauce was disappointing and lacked sloppy joe flavors. Growing up. “Dried egg yolks.”

Like Lucky Charms marshmallows, bongs and Kardashian sisters, Hot Pockets come in an array of shapes.

There’s the regular rectangular Hot Pocket, the triangular Panini Hot Pocket, the circular Deep Dish Pizzeria Hot Pocket and you can now add the strapless bra-shaped Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers.

Unlike most Hot Pockets, these SideShots don’t involve a crisping sleeve. But just like all Hot Pockets, utensils aren’t necessary and they make me say to myself, “What wrong turn have I taken in my life that has led me to eating Hot Pockets?”

The Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers are made up of bits of seasoned ground beef, cubes of cheese and some kind of sauce enclosed in a soft bun. They come attached in pairs, hence the strapless bra shape, and each pair is as long as a normal rectangular Hot Pocket.

While warming up a pair in the microwave for the recommended time of 1 minute 45 seconds, they made my apartment smell like a bakery, something no other Hot Pocket has ever accomplished. I took that as a sign of good things to come.

The buns turned out surprisingly well for something that came out of a microwave oven. They were mostly soft and only a little chewy. But what was even more astonishing to me was that they tasted just like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger (or McDouble) — pickles and all.

While the Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers do taste great, I didn’t think they were very filling and, at three dollars a box, they seem kind of pricey since one can get three heartier McDoubles for the same price. But then again, I guess they shouldn’t be as hearty since I consider consumption of a Hot Pocket as settling for something less than the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 buns – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 20% thiamine, 10% vitamin B12, 20% folic acid, 15% iron, 15% riboflavin, 15% niacin and 10% phosphorus.)

Other Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers reviews:
Freezer Burns
Burger Beast
The Little Dish
The Ridiculous Food Society of Upstate New York

Item: Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers
Price: $3.00
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger — pickles and all. Buns came out surprisingly well. No trans fat. Contains vitamins and minerals. Made my apartment smell like a bakery. Shaped like a strapless bra.
Cons: Not very filling. Kind of pricey. Taking a wrong turn in your life, which leads you to eating a Hot Pocket. Shaped like a strapless bra.

Have you looked at a Hot Pocket, then looked at the nutritional facts and then thought to yourself, “Hey, there’s not enough calories and saturated fat in it, but I don’t want to eat two of them”?

If so, you’re in luck because the Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria is heavier than a regular Hot Pocket, but lighter than two. In order make this possible, they didn’t just make a regular Hot Pocket bigger, they made it round so it looks like the Hot Pockets version of a pot pie.

However, instead of being filled with turkey, peas, carrots and gravy, it’s filled with all of the goodness you would find on top of a supreme pizza: pepperoni, sausage, green and red peppers, olives, onions, mushrooms and reduced fat cheese. All of that filling makes it a little thicker than a regular Hot Pocket and its weight about one and three-fourths heavier.

On the front of this product’s box, it brags about how it’s a good source of calcium and contains seven essential vitamins and minerals, but as I mentioned at the beginning, it’s also a great source of saturated fat and sodium. So you’ll beat osteoporosis, but lose to hypertension and heart disease.

If you’ve had a pizza Hot Pocket before, and I’m sure almost all of you have whether you want to admit it or not, you’ll have an idea of what the Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria tastes like, because it just basically a Hot Pocket that’s round. The crust tasted the same and the filling had that familiar pizza flavor. I could pick out the flavors of the pepperoni, sausage, peppers and olives, but not so much with the onions and mushrooms.

As for the cheese, there was a lot of it, but it disappointed me because some of it was reduced fat mozzarella and some of it was imitation mozzarella, which means the Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria didn’t reach its potential with saturated fat and sodium.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 540 calories, 25 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria
Price: $2.00
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It’s good, if you like Hot Pockets. Heavier than a regular Hot Pocket. Round shape means you can roll it around, if you desire. If you love sodium and saturated fat, you’ll like it. 4 grams of fiber. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Nothing special, it’s just a bigger, round Hot Pocket. Uses reduced fat mozzarella and imitation mozzarella. If you hate sodium and saturated fat, you’ll hate it. Using the phrase “Deep Dish” may make Chicagoans upset.

Hot Pockets.

I can hear some of you silently cheering and some of you cringing. Those of you who are saying “meh,” I shake the back of my fist wildly in the air at you. But this isn’t about how much I hate the word “meh,” it’s about the new variation of Hot Pockets that was released upon us — the Hot Pockets Hearty Sized Biscuits.

*gasp*

Actually, it’s a variation of a variation, truth be told. The “new” Hot Pocket is actually just the standard breakfast Hot Pocket recycled in a “new” crust — a biscuit crust.

Now, let me be clear here. I have no experience when it comes to a true fresh homemade biscuits. The only things that come to mind when I think biscuits are the crappy kind that comes with a fast food chicken dinner (KFC and Popeye’s) or the very misplaced cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster.

(Writer’s Note: Speaking of Red Lobster, what the hell? Biscuits do NOT go with surf and turf, no matter how buttery their shrimps are.)

Having said that, there was nothing remotely biscuit-y about these particular Hot Pockets. The taste and texture of the crust envelope was more akin to the standard Hot Pocket crust, although I will say there is a little biscuit-y-ness to it. The crust was slightly crispy and crunchy on some of the edges like so many of my Hot Pockets have turned out, but my impression upon biting into this was, “Where the hell’s the biscuit? And why is it so dry?”

It’s painfully clear that none of the men and women involved in making this Hot Pocket have a trace of the South in their blood. Otherwise, their nanas would rise from the grave and spank them to death with a cast iron pan.

Although, there is actually one way this Hot Pocket does live up to its name; just let it thaw. I know it doesn’t sound appetizing, but I did like some of my Hot Pockets this way. Ok, that’s a lie. But it was the only way to get your Hot Pocket fix if your parents were being dictators on the subject of snacking. And some of them do respond well to the thawing process, but that’s a different story. The thawed version of this sandwich is much more like a biscuit, albeit a cold and dry one.

The filling is pretty much the same as you’d find in the regular version of this Hot Pocket. A sweet mild sausage that permeates throughout the whole filling, a cheese sausage that’s far too creamy, and blocks of eggs that don’t do squat. The flavor is actually, come to think of it, much more akin to sausage and gravy. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not what I bought. At least this thing’s big enough for a decent mouthful and it’s done in less than three minutes from package to the plate.

I guess I only have one thing to say to this Hot Pocket. Meh. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to shake my fist at the mirror.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pocket – 290 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Hot Pockets Sausage, Egg & Cheese Hearty Sized Biscuits
Price: $3.19
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Holiday Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Fast to warm up. Filling tastes all right. Decent-sized. Red Lobster biscuit. Zombie Nana.
Cons: Dry and crunchy. Little biscuit-y-ness. doesn’t taste as advertised. The word “meh.” Yet another Hot Pockets product.

Sick of candy from last night? This week’s Week in Reviews is 100% candy-free.

No one comes out a winner in a battle between Maruchan Instant Lunch and Nissin Cup Noodles. It’s a culinary Catch-22. (via Second Rate Snacks)

This movie had me at “porno.” (via Pajiba)

Thanks, advancements in technology. Not only do I have to buy the latest and greatest iPod every year to enjoy my music, TV shows, podcasts, and movies, I now have to buy the latest and greatest Philips Norelco Bodygroom to keep my crotch lawn from turning into a forest. (via The Message Whore)

(Insert lolcat picture here with caption “I can has leen poket cheezburger?”) (via I Ate A Pie)

The only quiche I like is the quiche I put on a Scrabble board to kick your ass. Bitches! (via Heat Eat Review)