Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a food scientist? I mean, somewhere in this country, right now, in any number of laboratories, there are chemists standing around in white lab coats, creating the next flavor sensation over a Bunsen burner and an Erlenmeyer flask. Do they have a list of objectives for each new invention? “Step 1: Create new convenience food. Step 2: Test flavor. Make improvements if necessary. Step 3: Collect paycheck. Buy Maserati.” Seriously, some of these folks earn up to six figures. When you throw in the added challenge of using meat substitutes for dishes traditionally reserved for the real thing, it makes that hefty paycheck seem all the more reasonable, especially if it turns out pretty well.

Morningstar Farms has a nice fake meat thing going on, and it appears their food technicians have mad skills in the stuffed sandwich science department. It’s like they took a look at the other smaller, less flavorful stuffed breakfast sandwich failures on the grocery shelves and said to themselves, “We can rebuild these. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first frozen, vegetarian stuffed sandwich with fake sausage.” They vowed that the Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit would be that sandwich… A Six-Million Dollar Biscuit, sold for $6. Hot, buttery, and fluffy on the inside, crispy and flaky on the outside, and stuffed with delicious, low-fat ingredients that won’t slide out. And it would be huge for a frozen biscuit. Not teensy like some other brands. Better. Stronger. Tastier. And there’d be a fake bacon one, too.

I’m pleased to say that, on the whole, those crazy scientists have succeeded. The other frozen vegetarian sandwiches I’ve tried just don’t compare to the Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. For one, the other sandwiches lack fake meat, opting for just eggs and cheese. I’ve always preferred breakfast sandwiches that combine the holy trinity of eggs, cheese and some type of meat, and having low-fat, vegetarian sausage crumbles in place of full-fat pork or turkey sausage makes the whole thing even more attractive. Sometimes you just crave that third flavor in a sandwich to kind of balance everything out. Three is the magic number, after all. It’s science.

However, I discovered that the number three isn’t so wonderful. Startlingly, it took me three separate attempts to cook the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit to an appropriate temperature and texture. It’s pretty strange, considering the warning on the box that the biscuit filling may be “EXTREMELY HOT” after cooking (presumably once), and that the biscuits themselves may be “too hot to handle.” It took a lot more time to get either of these advisories to come true. And even then, it was never too hot to handle.

The first time, I followed the package’s microwave instructions, and the result was just okay. The innards had been sufficiently cooked, but the biscuit itself was left a little bit spongy. On my second try, I used the conventional oven instructions and discovered to my horror, that the innards were still a bit cool, even after sitting in a 400-degree oven for 20 minutes. For my final attempt, I combined the two methods: I microwaved the biscuit for 15 seconds then placed it in the oven for the full amount of time. It came out perfectly: soft, warm, crispy-on-the-edges biscuit on the outside with a hot, sausage-egg-and-cheese mixture on the inside. The texture of the veggie sausage crumbles was exactly what I expected, but the cheese was a bit runny and may have gotten soaked up by the scrambled egg. It tasted much better than before, though. Good thing they sell these things in boxes of three.

The Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit makes an excellent breakfast, but not if you’re in any particular hurry. The Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit is indeed state-of-the-art, but the Morningstar Farms scientists should have been a little more precise with their cooking instructions. Getting the temperature of my breakfast just right was a trial that brought me a little closer to the plight of a true food scientist… only the reward for my scientific experimentation had slightly less vrooom.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 biscuit (105g) – 270 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 190 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein. 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 15% iron.)

Other Morningstar Farms Biscuits reviews:
Fork Fantasy (Sausage, Egg & Cheese)
Yum Yucky (Bacon, Egg & Cheese)

Item: Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuits
Price: $3.99 (on sale; normally $5.99)
Size: 3 biscuits/11.1 ounces
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Buttery biscuit. Low-fat breakfast. Savory vegetarian sausage crumbles. “3″ is the magic number. Bigger and denser than other stuffed breakfast sandwiches. Erlenmeyer flasks. Lee Majors.
Cons: Took three different attempts to get the right temperature and texture. Liquid cheese. Not for those in a rush. Less horsepower than a Maserati. $6 regular price tag.

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles does the opposite of what the cafeteria workers at my old elementary school did with lasagna. Instead of chopping vegetables, like carrots and celery, into tiny pieces in order to trick us into eating veggies, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna has decent-sized chunks of vegetables dumped right on top. They let me know I’m getting vegetables whether I like it or not.

I’m no longer the chubby fourth grader who avoided vegetables anyway I could. I’m now the chubby college graduate who eats vegetables because my doctor told me to or else I’m going to die. So I don’t mind this veggie lasagna having a heaping pile of vegetables on top, which consists of carrots, onions, red bell peppers, red onions and kale.

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna is one of two products, the other being their Sweet & Sour Chik’n meal, that the company has introduced to dip their toes in the vast pond of microwaveable frozen meals. If you’ve seen how immense the microwaveable frozen meal aisle is, you know their toes will get pulled under and lost somewhere within the Lean Cuisine Sea or Healthy Choice Ocean.

Like a multistoried Banana Republic, this veggie lasagna has something different on each level. The ground floor has a zesty marinara sauce mixed with an Italian sausage-like veggie crumble, the next floor up contains an unnaturally bright white ricotta cheese, the top floor has the previously mentioned vegetables mixed with more marinara sauce and everything is roofed with mozzarella cheese.

I had high expectations for the MorningStar Farms Lasagna because I enjoy many of MorningStar Farms products. But I should’ve had the same expectations anyone should have when meeting someone in person from their local Craigslist — low, ready to dump at a moment’s notice or be prepared to spray with pepper. The noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked, the vegetables added a crunchy texture, and the zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Also, the Italian sausage-like veggie crumble wasn’t noticeable in the lasagna. I was hoping for a spicier flavor, but instead got something that wasn’t very Italian, like Jersey Shore’s Snooki and JWoww.

Overall, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles was disappointing and if I have to recommend a frozen microwaveable lasagna entree that uses fake meat, I’d suggest the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna…if you can find it somewhere in the middle of Banquet Bay or the Gulf of Hungry-Man.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 270 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 25% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles
Price: $5.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Veggies added crunch. Wide variety of veggies. Better for you than microwaveable lasagna entrees that use real meat. Somewhat filling. High in protein. Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna.
Cons: Expensive. Bland. Disappointing. Zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked. Sausage style crumble didn’t have flavor. Ricotta cheese was unusually bright white. Jersey Shore.

It’s fitting to see a company named MorningStar Farms come out with a hot and spicy version of their veggie breakfast sausages, since Morning Star is another name for Lucifer, who likes hot and spicy places.

MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties are seasoned with herbs and spices, like crushed red pepper, red bell peppers, black pepper and cayenne pepper. I’ve had their original veggie sausage patties, which I’ve enjoyed, and their maple-flavored variety, which tastes just like the original ones, and since I likey the spicy, I’ll probably enjoy these.

A box of MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties contains six patties. Each hot and spicy patty contains 70 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 130 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber and 8 grams of protein.

The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets definitely aren’t helping subside the occasional nightmares I have of an attacking McDonald’s McRib that suddenly appears during the wet dream REM stage of my slumber. This 100% vegan riblet looks like a beefed up, or Super Sized, if you will, version of what’s in between the McRib’s buns.

It’s like my head is trying to recreate the typical Friday the 13th movie scene where a couple is making out in either the forest, middle of Crystal Lake, bedroom or backseat of a car, then Jason Voorhees pops out and kills them both with his machete in the most gruesome way possible.

Also, in my nightmares, the McRib is oinking and for some reason the chase scene is done in Baywatch-boobie-jiggling slow motion while the Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” plays in the background. The nightmare always ends the same way with the McRib eating me with onions and pickles in between a roll. Shortly after that, I wake up and regret my decision to eat fast food a couple of hours before falling asleep.

The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets may look like the pork patty found in a McRib, which is a sandwich I’m not a fan of, but despite that fact, I really did enjoy these veggie riblets. If you’re expecting them to taste like pork ribs, you will be disappointed, but they do look like meat on the outside and inside.

If you feel you won’t like it because there’s no meat in it, I think your mouth will be pleasantly surprised and not repulsively surprised, like when you close your eyes and stick your face in front of a hole in the side of a public restroom stall. What makes these riblets so tasty is the sweet and smoky barbeque sauce they come drenched in, which masks the fact that you’re eating a soy protein patty shaped like a McRib.

Because they’re made from soy protein, they’re low in fat; high in protein, potassium and dietary fiber; and they make you look a little sexier to vegetarians when they see it in your cart. Consider it the vegan version of Axe body spray.

While heating a riblet in the microwave, the wonderful smell of the barbeque sauce will fill the air. Feel free to silently fart at that time, because no one will notice the smell. The product that comes out of the microwave looks very similar to what’s pictured above, which is quite rare for microwaved foods (you can also stick them in a conventional oven). Its shape makes you think there’s bones in it, just like the McRib, but it’s boneless since it’s made from soy protein, which also makes them easy to cut through without the use of a knife or machete.

The only bad things I have to say about this product are that the sodium content is quite high, I’m disappointed that there were only two riblets in the box and they will help perpetuate my McDonald’s McRib nightmares.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 riblet with sauce – 220 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 580 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein, 10% calcium and 15% iron.)

(NOTE: Greg at Freezer Burns, the best frozen food review vlogger of Asian ethnicity named Greg in the world, also reviewed it.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets
Price: $5.49
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting faux meat product I’ve ever eaten. Tasty barbeque sauce. 100% vegan. No saturated fat. High in protein. Five grams of dietary fiber. Good source of potassium (fuck B-A-N-A-N-A-S). Don’t need a knife to cut it.
Cons: Helps perpetuate my McRib nightmares. Only two per box. Somewhat high in sugar and sodium. No instructions for heating two at a time in the microwave. Being tricked into putting your face in front of a gloryhole. A killer McRib popping up in the middle of my wet dreams.

The most creative people in the world aren’t musicians, painters, writers or whoever invented the Slanket.

I think the most creative people are those who have to come up with food that’s supposed to trick people into thinking it’s another food. No, I’m not talking about the inventor of the Chicken McNugget. I’m talking about the proud men and women who have the imagination to come up with products like the Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage.

It takes talent to fake the three major food animals: cow, pig and chicken. And I think the folks at Morningstar Farms have done a decent job at it, because I’m a regular consumer of their bloodless fake meat products. Although my admiration for them is dwindling because I wrote several kind letters to the company requesting certain products, but they have yet to introduce a vegetarian turducken.

Unlike the Moroccan Rose Body Butter or the Japanese Cherry Blossom Puree Body Lotion you purchased from The Body Shop, animals were probably harmed while coming up with the Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage. If you think about it, in order to make meat-free Morningstar Farms products, meat must be consumed so that the mad scientists there know what to make their veggie-rrific products taste like.

The Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage can be prepared in three ways: on the grill, on the stove or in the microwave. Due to a court ordered mandate to stay away from matches and lighter fluid/hair spray, I could not try it on a grill.

Italian sausage is usually packed in a casing, but these veggie versions weren’t. Instead they were molded into a hot dog shape. If you heat one up on a stove, the outside of the sausage looks darker than the one from the microwave, which is in the photo above. While warming them up, the scent of the sausage’s spices filled my kitchen. The sausage’s flavor has a little spice to them and they somewhat remind me of Italian sausage, but its texture throws me off. Because there’s no casing, the sausage is extremely soft and has a tendency to crumble easily in my mouth.

It’s not bad for something that’s 100% vegetarian and it does have 66 percent less fat than traditional Italian sausage, so it’s good for someone looking to maintain their slim physique so that their Slanket is easily able to cover their entire body.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 link – 120 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage
Price: $5.69
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent spicy flavor. Somewhat reminds me of an Italian sausage. 100% vegetarian. Decent source of protein. 66 percent less fat than traditional Italian sausage. The Slanket.
Cons: Really soft texture. Only four per box. Being 100% vegetarian might turn some off. Regular hot dogs are significantly cheaper. No vegetarian turducken yet.