The Impulsive Buy » Peanut Butter

WEEK IN REVIEWS – 6/11/2011

Marvo — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 11:51:56 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Jack in the Box is now offering a Three Taco Combo. I can’t wait for the Six Sourdough Jack Pack. (via Review Spew)

Grub Grade reviewed a bunch of natural peanut butters. It would be fitting if you looked over it while eating peanut butter. Or even better, read the review aloud with half a jar of peanut butter in your mouth. (via Grub Grade)

And I’ll see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show your true colors. True colors are beautiful like a rainbow. (via Screaming Energy)

If I bought Mentos’ UP2U gum that has two flavors to choose from in each pack, I wouldn’t know which flavor to chew first. To help, I wish each pack contained a coin I could flip or the cell number for my overbearing ex-girlfriend who would tell me what to chew. (via Gum Alert)

They say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” But it appears beauty can come to anyone who be holdin’ this beauty elixir in a can. (via Thirsty Dudes)

Image via flickr user Matt McGee / CC BY ND 2.0

NEWS: Planters Gets Their Nut Crushing Groove On To Make Peanut Butter

Marvo — Thu, 19 May 2011 00:11:32 +0000

Planters has done more things to nuts than male YouTubers with swollen testicles and temporary high pitched voices. They’ve dry roasted, lightly salted, honey roasted, chocolate covered, fruit blended, and nut mixed them, just to name a few.

But the one thing male YouTubers with swollen cajones have done that Planters hasn’t is crush their nuts. However, that has changed with the introduction of Planters Peanut Butter.

I’m not sure why it’s taken this long for Planters to come out with peanut butter. Unless Mr. Peanut is real and for years prevented it from happening because seeing peanuts being crushed into a creamy paste made him cringe like I cringe when I watch a video on YouTube of some guy getting hit in the nads with a golf club.

Update: According to Dave, in his comment below, Planters Peanut Butter isn’t new, they made peanut butter in the 1970-1980s. After doing a little research, I found this link to an old Planters Peanut Butter commercial.

Planters Peanut Butter is available in creamy and crunchy varieties, and will be sold in 28 ounce containers.

Image via flickr user Tomas Fano / CC BY SA 2.0

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 9/26/2009

Marvo — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 10:00:30 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

And all this time I thought OxiClean got stains out via Billy Mays’ shouting. (via Gigi Reviews)

Japan has bizarre Kit Kat flavors, but they also have unusual Pringles flavors, like Spicy Chicken. Japan also sells used schoolgirl panties in vending machines. (via Foodette Reviews)

Reese’s may have their Peanut Butter Lovers Peanut Butter Cups, but “peanut butter lovers” will always have a different sticky, messy meaning for me. (via We Rate Stuff)

There’s a Penthouse energy drink? I’ll pass. I’m waiting for Juggs Journal Energy Drink or Big Booty Monthly Energy Drink. (via ED Junkie)

Doritos sure loves colliding flavors, like with their new Doritos Collisions Cheesy Enchilada and Sour Cream. That’s fine, as long as they don’t try to make a Doritos Collisions Uranium and Plutonium. (via Junk Food Betty)

REVIEW: Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter

Marvo — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:26:19 +0000

When I have a child, it’s good to know they will be surrounded by items that will give them the advantages and protections I didn’t have, like Baby Einstein or Baby Genius CDs, parental controlled iPods, helmets, the depreciation of spanking as a form of discipline and Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter.

I want my child to excel, succeed and, perhaps someday, rule over your children with an iron fist. In order to make that happen, my child has to physically and mentally develop into a superior homo sapien and I believe the Omega-3 fatty acids in this new Jif Peanut Butter has the ability to make some of this happen.

Omega-3 has been shown to help with brain function, so if I give my future child/everyone’s future overlord the daily recommended amounts of Omega-3 DHA and EPA, which is 160 milligrams, he/she will have a healthy brain and hopefully become intelligent enough to rule to Earth. And along the way perpetuate the stereotype that Asians are good at math.

The Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter gets its Omega-3 fatty acids from anchovy and sardine oils, both of which are thankfully odorless and tasteless, but still freaks me out they’re in the ingredients list, along with something called tilapia gelatin. Mmm…anchovies, sardines and tilapia, now that’s an ingredients list a baleen whale can love.

A two tablespoon serving contains 32 milligrams of DHA & EPA Omega-3 fatty acids, which is around 20 percent of the daily recommended intake for Omega-3s.

Despite the weird ingredients this product contains, it tastes like peanut butter. It smells very much like regular Jif, but I thought it wasn’t as creamy or as nutty as the normal stuff. When I ate it on a piece of bread, the flavor of the peanut butter wasn’t as strong as regular Jif. But now that I think about it, does it really matter how well it tastes? Because I’m trying to create a being that will be feared by all, not a peanut butter taste tester.

They say choosy moms choose Jif and I say overzealous dads who want to live vicariously through their child’s rise to world domination choose Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter. Of course, my plan won’t work if my child ends up like many kids today and becomes allergic to peanuts.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 Tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 8 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron and 20% niacin.)

Item: Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A good source of Omega-3 fatty acids. Tastes like peanut butter, despite weird ingredients. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Easier way of getting Omega-3s than eating fish. Being the father of an overlord.
Cons: I thought it wasn’t as creamy or nutty as regular Jif. Packed with calories. Contains weird ingredients, like anchovy and sardine oils and tilapia gelatin. Peanut allergies.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 5/30/2009

Marvo — Sat, 30 May 2009 10:00:21 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Many potatoes were harmed in this potato chip throwdown. (via Grub Grade)

Milky-white Japanese sperm liqueur. Need I say more? (via The A.V. Club)

Hmm…Which is the lesser of two evils? A dance movie parody with a dozen Wayans family members or a sequel to a movie that could give me double vision Heidi Montage nightmares? (via Pajiba)

I love peanut butter, but I will avoid the Better’n Peanut Butter because of its weird use of an apostrophe. (via I Ate A Pie)

Mmm…S’mores without the campfire and singing of “Kumbaya” by Boy Scouts going through puberty. (via On Second Scoop)

REVIEW: Jif Natural Peanut Butter

Marvo — Wed, 06 May 2009 10:57:05 +0000

Jif Natural is the lambskin condom of big brand peanut butter because they’re both made from natural ingredients and both feel great on my skin. While lambskin condoms are made from lamb intestines, Jif Natural Peanut Butter consists of just five simple ingredients: roasted peanuts, sugar, palm oil, salt and molasses.

Being made from natural ingredients also gives each of these products particular characteristics not found in non-natural versions. Lambskin condoms, while good at preventing baby batter from sticking to the egg in the pan, are not very good at preventing the transmission of STDs because lamb intestine is porous enough to let bacteria and viruses through.

Jif Natural has a consistency that is really easy to spread, like melted regular peanut butter on a fresh piece of toast. Or in German it can be best described as über creamy. Or in formal Japanese it would be known as totemo kurimi. Or in energy drink marketing speak it would be xtremy creamy.

If you’ve ever purchased all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods stores that sells a lot of hemp and soy products, you probably know about the separation of the oil and peanuts after you open the jar, forcing you to stir it to mix the two. This can be a pain in the ass if you’re extremely lazy and don’t like an extra step between opening the jar and shoveling a spoonful of peanut butter into your mouth. Fortunately, there’s no need to stir with the Jif Natural Peanut Butter, so it can go straight into your mouth and then straight to your gut, or if you’re a woman, straight to your hips and thighs, which causes you to consider purchasing the Kymora Body Shaper.

The Jif Natural Peanut Butter may not have a thick layer of oil on top after you open it, but it does have a very a thin layer of palm oil, which gives it a glossy shine. Regular peanut butter tends to have more of a matte finish. The look of Jif Natural Peanut Butter is not the only thing that shines, so does its flavor. I think it has a stronger nutty flavor than regular peanut butter, and I now I don’t feel like using the six pounds of Skippy Peanut Butter I bought from Costco.

While it may be natural, it isn’t necessarily healthier than regular peanut butter because it has the same amounts of saturated fat and sugar. It does, though, have half the sodium than regular Jif peanut butter. Also, natural peanut butter tends to be more expensive than their normal counterparts, but Jif Natural is about the same price as regular peanut butter.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for condoms made from lamb intestines.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron, 10% vitamin E, 2% riboflavin and 20% niacin.)

(Note: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it.)

(Update: TIB reader Anna points out that this product is a peanut butter spread and not peanut butter because it contains 10% of non-peanut ingredients, which it clearly states on the bottle. I am blind.)

(Update #2: After having the Jif Natural Peanut Butter around for a while, I found that it has a tendency to clump together, which is frickin’ weird. I’ve knocked the rating down a point because of this.)

Item: Jif Natural Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great nutty flavor. Only five ingredients. No need to stir. Easy to spread. 50% less sodium than regular peanut butter. Same price as regular peanut butter. Feels good on my skin. Condoms.
Cons: Same amounts of saturated fat and sugar as regular peanut butter. Will eventually start clumping. Glossy look may seem weird. Having to stir all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods store. The cost of lambskin condoms. Lambskin condoms don’t prevent the spread of STDs.

Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter

Marvo — Fri, 21 Jan 2005 21:13:11 +0000

I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with all of these low-carb items.

Every time I buy one, I know it’s not going to taste good and I’m going to write a crappy review about it.

I really should just let these folks handle the reviews for the low-carb stuff and I should just stick with the ass-growing, gut-building foods that actually taste good.

Maybe I buy the low-carb stuff because I’m curious to know how bad they can get. Maybe I think to myself, “There can’t be anything worse than the Carb Countdown Smoothie.”

Oh wait, there is! Thanks, Carb Well, for proving that there are different levels of crap.

Well I guess I’ll keep buying them and I’ll keep getting burned.

It’s like the rottweiler keeps biting me, but I still want to pet it.

You know, Dr. Atkins and his fat ass is probably laughing at me up in heaven and being thankful that he didn’t have to eat the low-carb crap that’s available today.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins! I really hope the only things available to eat in heaven are Krispy Kreme donuts.

Anyway, the newest way I’ve been torturing myself is with the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter.

It looks like peanut butter. It smells like peanut butter. It spreads like peanut butter. It’s fun to feed to dogs like peanut butter. It tastes like peanut butter…

Oh, wait. That last part about the tasting like peanut butter… Um, it really doesn’t.

So the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter accomplishes all this sticky not-so-goodness with less sugar, less carbs, and less peanuts.

Less peanuts? That explains the taste.

According to the bottle, it says Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter is made out of 65 percent peanuts. Of course, the obvious $65,000 Question is, “What the hell makes up the other 35 percent?”

Your guess is as good as mine, but I sure hope some of that 35 percent isn’t Splenda.

(Reading label)

Holy crap! Some of that IS Splenda.

Dammit, Splenda! Why can’t you cause anal leakage like Olestra did? That way you’d just disappear and become another segment in the future VH1 show, “I Love the 2000s” where Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black will make jokes about you.

So what benefits do we get with Splenda and 35 percent less peanuts in our Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter?

We get TWO less grams of sugar and carbs than regular Skippy peanut butter.

Only two less grams of carbs?

So Skippy spent time and energy to make a low-carb Skippy peanut butter and it turns out that regular Skippy peanut butter was ALREADY low-carb.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins!

DAMN YOU!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

Item: Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Possibly better than peanut butter made out of 50 percent peanuts. Looks like peanut butter. Smells like peanut butter. Spreads like peanut butter.
Cons: Grainy. 65% peanuts! Splenda!!! Dr. Atkins is laughing at me.