Pizza Hut did it!

I couldn’t help but yell those four words and rip off South Park when I saw the DiGiorno Three Meat Pizza Pizza Dipping Strips. As you can imagine, this frightened my fellow shoppers in the frozen food aisle and caused them to scurry themselves and their shopping carts away from me.

That was not the first time I yelled the words “Pizza Hut did it!” in public while looking at a DiGiorno product. I also did it when I discovered DiGiorno’s Pizza and Wyngs, DiGiorno’s Pizza and Breadsticks, and I do it whenever I see DiGiorno’s Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza. It’s as if Pizza Hut is DiGiorno’s R&D Department.

DiGiorno’s Pizza Dipping Strips is made up of 12 pull-apart strips of pizza and comes with a container of marinara sauce and another of garlic dipping sauce. I picked up the Three Meat Pizza one, but it also comes in Pepperoni and Four Cheese varieties. The three meats are sausage, pepperoni, and beef.

Even though they were connected by just crust, the dipping strips weren’t super easy to pull apart. Or maybe I’m as horrible at pulling than a one-legged ox. After burning my fingers trying to split the strips apart, I decided to break out my pizza cutter.

I prefer DiGiorno frozen pizzas over Red Baron, Tombstone, Totino’s, Freschetta, and a few others, so it’s no surprise I enjoyed the pizza part of the Pizza Dipping Strips. I think DiGiorno’s tasty pizza sauce is what sets it apart from other frozen pizzas, but I also think their crust is a bit too thick. Another slight issue I had with the dipping strips is the amount of pepperoni. Each strip had just one lonely slice of pepperoni. Although, I will admit this is easy to fix by stealing the pepperoni from other dipping strips when your fellow eaters aren’t looking.

What about the dipping sauces? Well, let me just say, one is better than the other and they’re quite watery.

Preparing the dipping sauces is more complex than baking the pizza, which is pretty much just stick pizza in oven, take pizza out of oven, and enjoy. The steps to get the sauces ready are: place sauce packets in hot tap water for 4-5 minutes, tear open packets, squeeze each sauce into separate microwave-safe bowls, heat one sauce for 20-30 seconds in the microwave, heat the other sauce for 20-30 seconds in the microwave, and enjoy.

The garlic dipping sauce is not very garlicy. If you enjoy the garlic sauce from Domino’s or Papa John’s, this DiGiorno garlic sauce will disappoint. Its garlic flavor is mild enough that I would not be afraid to make out with someone after eating it. Despite my not so glowing words, I have to say the garlic sauce is better than the marinara dipping sauce, which has very little flavor at all. As I mentioned earlier, I like DiGiorno’s pizza sauce, so I’m disappointed their marinara sauce is dull.

If there’s one positive thing I could say about the sauces, it would be that each packet has a lot of sauce. When other eater weren’t looking, I was not only stealing their pepperoni, I was also double, triple, and quadruple dipping into both sauces. And despite all of that unsanitary dipping, there was still a lot of sauce left.

The DiGiorno Pizza Dipping Strips is a good idea, although an old idea, but the sauces bring everything down. I do like the idea of pull apart pieces and would like to see DiGiorno do that with their regular round pizzas.

I would also like to see DiGiorno’s combine pizza with cinnamon sticks, much like Pizza Hut does with their $10 Dinner Box. Oh wait, it’s already happened.

Pizza Hut did it!

(Nutrition Facts – 2 dipping strips – 360 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 880 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein. Marinara Sauce – 2 Tbsp. – 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein. Garlic Sauce – 2 Tbsp. – 60 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

*uses partially hydrogenated oil

Item: DiGiorno Three Meat Pizza Pizza Dipping Strips
Price: $6.99
Size: 34.2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pizza is good. Pizza in strip form is easier to eat than pizza slice form. Stealing pepperoni. THREE MEATS! Lots of dipping sauce. Pizza is easy to prepare.
Cons: Garlic sauce isn’t very garlicy. Marinara sauce is bland. Would’ve liked more pepperoni. Having your pepperoni stolen. Getting caught double, triple, or quadruple dipping. Copying Pizza Hut.

When I signed up to review Domino’s new Artisan Pizzas, I immediately began thinking of disparaging comments to make about their choosing to use the word artisan. “Domino’s employees are to artisans,” I imagined myself writing, “as the Noid is to a relevant cultural icon.” That’s not even the cleverest or pithiest analogy I had lined up, if you can believe that’s even possible.

I was so ready to do the whole snarky-blogger thing, but Domino’s has preempted any snark by actually embedding it into their ad campaign. The text on their new pizza boxes starts with, “We’re not artisans, we don’t wear black berets,” and their new TV ad vilifies some vaguely French chef who’s acting like a prima donna. By acknowledging the images associated with artisans and wink-winking at the ridiculousness of their artisanal aspirations, the folks at Domino’s have managed to take all the fun out of making fun of them. (Although it’s great we can all still make fun of the French – what is with those berets, amirite?)

While they could get out in front of my snarkiness, I knew they couldn’t stop me from criticizing their crappy pizzas, and I was intent on writing a blistering review. There was only one problem: these pizzas were actually pretty good.

Each pizza was rectangular and cut into eighths, with all the toppings reasonably well-distributed across the slices. Both pizzas had crusts that were thinner and crispier than usual Domino’s fare but still structurally sound enough to support the toppings.

The Spinach & Feta pizza had alfredo sauce, feta and parmesan-asiago cheeses, fresh baby spinach, and onions. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a significant amount of feta, as its sharp tanginess was the primary flavor of the pizza. In some places the cheese was spread almost from edge-to-edge, leaving the crusts quite tasty, as well. The spinach and onions were noticeable in their contributions to the texture of the pizza, but I wish there had been more of each topping, as both were mostly overwhelmed by the feta.

The Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had parmesan-asiago cheese, sliced Italian sausage, and red, green, and banana peppers. The sausage was nothing special; it had some sweetness but wasn’t particularly spicy. I imagine it was the same as can be found on any other Domino’s pizzas, but serving it in thicker slices rather than the usual crumbles seemed to hold in the flavor better. The green and red peppers added some mild crunch, but they were completely upstaged by the banana peppers. The banana peppers were the clear-cut stars of the Pepper Trio, much like Beyoncé to Destiny’s Child or Joe to the Jonas Brothers or somebody else that would make you look less poorly upon my musical tastes. I had never ordered a pizza with banana peppers before, but their strong vinegary, spicy presence on the Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio has convinced me to add banana peppers to the toppings rotation from now on. A generous dusting of oregano rounded out a pretty well-made pizza.

As far as other complaints go, the pizza was relatively pricey and fairly small compared to their regular offerings (they measure in at 13″ x 9″, so roughly the size of one of their medium pizzas for the price of a large). Still, I give these pizzas a thumbs-up, and they’re certainly better than Domino’s re-launched pizzas from last year. Domino’s, you guys are running some annoyingly self-aware ad campaigns, but as long as you keep up the tastiness of these Artisan Pizzas and the Francophobia in your commercials, I will make sure to keep my blogger snark in check.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/6th of a pizza – Spinach & Feta – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio – 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 330 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Domino’s Artisan Pizza reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Domino’s Artisan Pizza (Spinach & Feta and Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Price: $7.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Spinach & Feta)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Pros: Crust was thinner and crispier than regular Domino’s pizzas. Spinach & Feta had significant amount of feta cheese spread from crust-to-crust. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had delicious banana peppers and thickly-sliced sausage. Vilifying French people. Referencing the Noid. Beyoncé’s having a baby!
Cons: Not enough spinach and onion to stand out against the feta. Green and red peppers were kind of useless. Pizzas were a bit expensive for the size. Domino’s pre-empting my snark. Spellcheck not recognizing snark as a word.

Update: Click here to read our Domino’s Artisan Pizza review

Our friends over at Grub Grade broke the news last month about the new Domino’s Artisan Pizzas, and now they’re available nationwide.

The new pizzas come in three varieties:

Spinach & Feta: Alfredo sauce, feta and parmesan-asiago cheeses, fresh baby spinach, and onion toppings on an artisan-style crust.

Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio: Parmesan-asiago cheese and sliced Italian sausage with a trio of roasted red, green, and banana peppers on an artisan-style crust topped with a dash of oregano.

Tuscan Salami & Roasted Veggie: Salami, spinach and onions, roasted red and banana peppers, and a dash of oregano, all over a garlic parmesan sauce on an artisan-style crust.

Grub Grade also posted a review of all three Artisan Pizza varieties.

The rectangle-shaped pizzas serve two and measure 13 inches by 9 inches. They also bring back memories of the rectangle Little Caesar’s Pizza and the rectangle-shaped pizza they served in the cafeteria when I was in grade school.

In Grub Grade’s review, the Artisan pizzas are cut up into six slices, but according to the nutrition facts there are eight servings per pizza. So you’re gonna have to do some math to figure out how many calories and grams of fat each slice provides. I would do it for you, but I’m an Asian who sucks at math, but is awesome at lovemaking.

The nutrition facts for a serving of the Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio has 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 330 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein. A serving of Spinach & Feta has 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Finally, the Tuscan Salami & Roasted Veggie has 150 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 280 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

Source: Grub Grade

Totino’s Party Pizzas have a special place in my heart, which I hope they’re not clogging with trans fats.

Even though I’ve never seen one at a party, it uses something called “Mozzarella Cheese Substitute,” and its crispy crust sometimes makes my upper palate raw, my mouth can’t help but water when a Totino’s Party Pizza is presented in front of me. So while I’ve never seen Totino’s Party Pizza served at a party, it does create a party in my mouth.

But it’s not just being so damn tasty that makes a Totino’s Party Pizza so special, it’s also its price.

When on sale, you can score yourself one with whatever loose change you can panhandle in 10 minutes outside the store you’re going to purchase it from. Of course, the more charming or desolate you are, the quicker you’ll probably get the one dollar you’ll need to purchase a Party Pizza.

While Totino’s Party Pizzas are tasty and cheap, the two things they aren’t are portable and microwaveable. But Totino’s is trying to solve that with their new Pizza Stuffers, which takes the meat, sauce, and mozzarella cheese substitute on top of a Party Pizza and stuffs it into a golden crust. Think of it as Totino’s delayed answer to the Hot Pocket.

I know Totino’s has their Pizza Rolls, but, seriously, those are meant for 10-year-olds.

The Totino’s Pizza Stuffers come in three varieties: cheese, pepperoni, and combination (sausage and pepperoni). I skipped the cheese one because, really, there’s only so much mozzarella cheese substitute I’m willing to tolerate. Depending on which ethnicity you are, a Pizza Stuffer looks like either an empanada, a gigantic gyoza, a mini calzone, or some kind of dim sum.

Preparing a Pizza Stuffer took me about two minutes of microwaving time, flipping it over once at the one minute mark. Just like Hot Pockets, Totino’s hasn’t figured out how to prevent their products from oozing when being microwaved. If you decide to microwave your Totino’s Pizza Stuffer, expect a softer crust that’s a little tough and chewy at the edges. I also baked them in a toaster oven, which takes 20 minutes to heat up at the instructed 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Since they don’t come with fancy crisping sleeves, a crispy crust can only be accomplished in an oven or toaster oven.

If you find yourself staring into the freezer aisle case at your local grocery store because you’re trying to decide which Pizza Stuffers flavor to pick up, I’d suggest picking up the Combination one. The Pepperoni Pizza Stuffers were palatable, but I could hardly taste the pepperoni. Instead, it had a significant tomato sauce flavor. The only difference between the Pepperoni and Combination flavors is the use of pork sausage, but it makes a huge difference in terms of flavor because, unlike the pepperoni in the Pepperoni one, I could actually taste the sausage. I still couldn’t taste the pepperoni in the Combination Pizza Stuffers, but that was expected.

Overall, the Totino’s Pizza Stuffers are a good snack or part of a complete lunch or dinner. If Totino’s Party Pizzas have a special place in your heart, both varieties will have a familiar taste, thanks to that sweet sauce they all have. They’re more expensive and less satisfying than a Party Pizza, but their size makes portion control much easier. Because, seriously, I could inhale a whole Party Pizza in one sitting.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Pizza Stuffer – Pepperoni – 280 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein. Combination – 270 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

*uses partially hydrogenated oil

Other Totino’s Pizza Stuffers reviews:
Freezer Burns

Item: Totino’s Pizza Stuffers (Pepperoni and Combination)
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 4 count
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Pepperoni)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Combination)
Pros: Combination flavor is good. Pork sausage brings the flava. If you enjoy Totino’s Party Pizzas, you’ll enjoy these. Portable and microwaveable. Totino’s Party Pizzas.
Cons: Pepperoni flavor was a little disappointing. Uses partially hydrogenated oils. More expensive and less satisfying than a Totino’s Party Pizza. No crisping sleeves. Uses something called mozzarella cheese substitute. Eating a Totino’s Party Pizza in one sitting.

The new Totino’s Pizza Stuffers look like Totino’s took their Party Pizza, folded one end over the other, and then used a mad scientist’s shrink ray to get it down to a size slightly bigger than two or three of their Pizza Rolls.

Or if you eat a lot of Pizza Hut, they look like mini P’Zones.

Or if you eat a lot dim sum, they look like pizza potstickers.

Totino’s Pizza Stuffers come in three varieties: pepperoni, combination, and cheese. Each box contains four Pizza Stuffers and are microwaveable, but, disappointingly, don’t come with crisping sleeves.

A Pepperoni Pizza Stuffer has 280 calories, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 760 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 7 grams of protein. A Combination Pizza Stuffer has 270 calories, 14 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 700 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 7 grams of protein. Both were made using partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

Often it’s the little things that provide the greatest inspiration: the first autumn leaves swirling in the breeze, the laughter of children, the ethereal glow of crashing waves in the full moonlight, etc. And now, Freschetta hopes you’ll add BBQ chicken pizza to that list, along with the seven other new varieties not found at my local Target as of last week. That’s right folks – branch-clinging kitten poster levels of inspiration can be yours, instantly, for the low, low price of five dollars.

With it you’ll also get inordinate levels of pretension, free of charge. In my head, I’m pronouncing Target as Tar-zjay. That’s how pretentious I’ve become just a few hours after my discovery of the Simply… Inspired Pizzas, which supposedly feature larger and more prevalent toppings, a crispier crust and come in a more form-fitting box. This makes me instantly better than you by association. I feel like scoffing at the Red Baron and flippantly ignoring Wolfgang Puck as he calls to me from down the way. Digiorno? California Pizza Kitchen? Tombstone? Amateurs, the lot of them.

If I had to peg one element that truly elevates this pizza above those with cookies, dips, budget-rate price tags, and garlic crusts, I’d say… it’s the ellipses in the title. Hands down. As far as I can tell, nobody else in frozen food section has yet taken advantage of the grandeur and enticement of this rare bit of punctuation. In a world of keyboard bashing neurotics, the ellipses falls dangerously close to becoming the snootier, desperately more boring cousin of the interrobang. It hangs there mid-sentence as if to say, “Oh, sorry there. Didn’t mean to start off too overwhelmingly fast (for idiots like yourself). Let’s take a pause, shall we. And you know what? It might be time to skim over the really dull, academic bits. It’s the least I can do, really, without adding footnotes and visual aids.”

Inspired? Really? By all the other previously existing BBQ chicken pizzas you mean? What’s that? Oh, of course: you’re different. This apparently isn’t the California-born taste revolution you’ve naively fallen for. Oh no. This one’s a unique blend of “classic flavors of the south”, meaning the cilantro is almost non-existent and the “sweet and tangy” sauce pretty much tastes like KC Masterpiece.

Peeling open the package initially reveals large white meat chicken chunks and thick cut onions, true to the pompous package promises. This gives me tragically high hopes, which immediately began to droop and melt away along with the pizza as soon as I toss it in the oven.

I sit on my kitchen floor in denial for the first few minutes, staring vacantly as the crust buckles and cheese drips into the abyss.

I followed directions! I normally don’t abandon the tray unless the particular line of pizzas has proven its structural integrity to me on numerous occasions in the past, but this time I threw caution to the wind and went by the book on my first go-round. This will certainly even out. Everything will be okay. It just has to. It’s such a pretty pizza!

I snap back to reality as the first beautiful chicken chunk tumbles to its crispy death between the grates. A rescue is in order. Preparing for battle, I grab two metal spatulas, a cookie sheet, an oven mitt, and a potholder. Brazenly and triumphantly flinging open the oven door yields a first good look at my apparent wax replica of a classic southern pizza. With one hand, I press the cookie sheet up against the bottom of the rack. With the other, I begin coaxing the pizza forward. At first the pizza merely responds with a resounding “fuck you” and refuses to budge. I burn my hand and retreat hastily, leaving the cookie sheet on the rack below the pizza to catch falling toppings.

Time to regroup.

For round two, I reinforce my tender digits using a larger, thicker potholder and the second, non-slotted spatula. This time the game plan is to pry as I coax. Pliability will be its downfall.

I ease the pizza forward ever so slowly, bending it to my will… and my spatula. Eventually it oozes over to the cookie sheet, like the creature in The Blob, only with crust.

Hot, sweaty, and battle scarred, I nonetheless emerge victorious. Once on the tray, the pizza magically loses its malleability and holds its abhorrent mutant shape. Amazingly nothing appears too burnt, aside from the scattered casualties on the floor of my oven.

With the dearth of cilantro, a hidden Midwestern side takes over, reminding me of mom’s grilled BBQ chicken, minus the frantic race to light the grill and complete cooking in 50 mile per hour gusting winds ahead of the weekly oncoming thunderstorm. What this thing really needs is a side of potato salad.

For all the hype, it’s a let down, but without all that it wouldn’t actually be too bad. The sauce is never too rich or overwhelming. The topping distribution is generally above par. For all the drama, the crust is surprisingly crisp and chewy. My only qualm is the cheese, which starts out decent then disintegrates and slides around a bit, nearing vegan cheese texture as it cools. This is most noticeable in places where the cheese is thickest. It was just weird. Not terrible, but a bit fake.

If you’re a BBQ chicken fan, you’ll find this difficult to hate, unless you burn yourself horribly as I did. But if you’re a tried and true BBQ Chicken pizza addict of the CPK ilk, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment by getting Inspired. Sorry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza – 360 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 820 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 25% calcium, and 10% iron)

Item: Freschetta Simply… Inspired Southern BBQ Recipe Chicken Pizza
Price: 2 for $10
Size: 14.84 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like the Midwest. Gaining pretension like a super power. Thick, juicy chicken chunks. Interrobangs. Chewy, crispy thin crust. Footnotes. Visual aids. Inspiring kitten posters.
Cons: Undersized potholders. Cheese cools to oily faux-cheese texture. Screamingly pretentious, yet oh so unrefined. Similar to a crusty blob monster while cooking. Thunderstorm battle almost unwinnable with charcoal grill. Condescending ellipses.