Pop-Tarts are just friggin’ weird. They resemble a tart as much as I look like actor Tom Cruise, or even pre/post-drug fiend Tom Sizemore. The pastry is exactly two ninety degree angles that form an exact rectangle scarier than the black monolith in Kubrick’s classic. Instead of being filled with stars, Dave, it is filled with jam, calories, carbohydrates and sodium. The frosting is shiny like nail polish and is harder than fondant. So yes, this is not health food but its shape does scream convenience.

You won’t find Pop-Tarts in a bakery. When you give them to a child, you can’t help but make the “sorry face.” All the cool kids have the Toaster Strudels but Pop-Tarts have persevered through all of it. These ubiquitous things have remained a part of our existence and I am sure when the Sun starts expanding in its death, the waters on Earth have dried up, all mammals have become pieces of tasty jerky, those Pop-Tarts are still going to survive. I know so.

And as weird as they are, like Tom Sizemore and his old drug habit, I have a strong compulsion to buy any new flavor of Pop-Tarts I see. I just have to. I don’t care if I get mostly disappointed when I eat them. I just need to have them now. It’s the same exact feeling I get when I buy supermarket sushi or when I watch German art films.

I habitually stop by the Pop-Tarts section when I go to down the cereal aisle. To my delight, I saw a box of Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts. With a title like that, I was expecting this to rival the KY Jelly Fire and Ice. I could blame The Impulsive Buy and say I bought these because I am obligated to review them. In truth, I would have bought them anyway because I just need to.

From gumdrops to Sunkist, I love all things orange flavored. The fact there is an orange pictured amongst the fruits pictured on the box will probably be the closest thing I will ever get to a marmalade Pop-Tart. To be specific, there is a strawberry and cherry pictured as well. I’m assuming this is the fruit fusion which doesn’t seem that wild but it’s Pop-Tarts we’re talking about here.

Amusing to me, the only fruits listed in the ingredients are cherries and apples. Even more fascinating are the instructions on how to toast your goodies. I’m not sure what it says about its target audience. They even have a diagram to emphasize how to toast these things. More depressing is what does this say about me? I had to toast another because I burned my first pastry.

I normally eat these untoasted but I will review these Pop-Tarts in both the raw and the cooked form.

Unsheathing the treat out of its silver wrapper, it was a bit comical to me how vibrant the colors of the frosting were. It looked like someone slathered mustard on it and then zig zagged ketchup (in true 1950’s kitsch) all over the tart. This thing could double as Jem’s truly outrageous maxi-pad.

In the simplest form, without toasting, the crust is dry as expected. The frosting is the same vague sweet flavor that can be found on all Pop-Tarts with that unnatural sugar shell. The bite is surprisingly a bit tart and not overly sweet. I like it because it is not an abundance of immediate sugar that will numb your tongue.

The jam itself has a strong cherry flavor but I’m not sure if it overwhelmed the orange and strawberry. Not really a surprise since they aren’t listed in the ingredients. I ended up taking a couple more bites and only the tart cherry jam shines through. That is kind of disappointing but the fact that this (let’s face it, these things are really big cookies) is not as sweet as the other flavors is a plus.

Toasted, it smells like baked sugar but not in a welcoming bakery way. It’s just baked sugar. I hate that smell which is why I never toast them, but I’m also lazy. Texture wise, the frosting adds a nice crispness and the jam is even more intense. The taste is improved but not enough for me to bother toasting these things. I’m making a “lazy face” here.

Let’s be honest and come to an agreement that nobody really craves these things. There are better ways to spend 200 calories and the sodium is high enough to offset my blood pressure meds. I can’t tell you how many unfinished boxes of Pop-Tarts I have chucked out. I liked this one despite the repulsive color frosting but will probably not finish the box.

I would still make the “sorry face” if I had to give one to my little niece or any other kids looking for a snack. Yet, I (in a non-committal way) would eat these again as I made the “yeah, I know” face. So yeah reader, I know.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of Saturated fat, 2 grams if Polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 170 mg of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than one gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts
Price: $1.99
Size: 14.1 ounces/8 toaster pastries
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The tart sweetness is a nice change. Easy to hold. Tom Sizemore in Heat. Tom Cruise in Collateral (Michael Mann is the man). Making faces. If you love cherry, you cannot go wrong. Toasting it has a nice texture. 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Cons: No orange flavor. Easy to burn if you’re a dummy like me. Crust is dry but that’s to be expected. Wild frosting does nothing for the Pop-Tart. The color is a bit gross looking. Tom Sizemore in that sex video. Tom Cruise in MI:2. Loaded with sodium, unless you love sodium! 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

Update: Click here to read our Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts review

When I heard about the Limited Edition Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts in October, I thought that would be the last new Pop-Tarts flavor Kellogg’s would introduce in 2011. After all, they released five new flavors this year.

I’d list them all, but I believe reading that list might make your ass a little bigger.

But here I am with about three weeks until the end of the year and I’m writing this post about Kellogg’s latest Pop-Tarts flavor — Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Fruit Fusion.

Out of all the Wildlicious Pop-Tarts flavors available, which I also won’t list for fear of making your ass bigger, Frosted Wild! Fruit Fusion is by far the wildest of the bunch because it’s not just one fruit that’s gone wild. This Pop-Tart is the Joe Francis of Pop-Tarts because it makes cherry, orange, strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, and other fruits go wild. It’s topped with yellow frosting, orange icing drizzle, and multi-colored sprinkles.

One Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tart has 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat (made with partially hydrogenated oil), 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

The element of surprise can be a valuable tool.  As the Japanese poet Bashō famously observed, “When you surprise your enemy, you fuck his shit up.”  [Translated]  That’s true both on the battlefield and in the kitchen. I’ve eaten and reviewed plenty of foods that have surprised me, some pleasantly, some less so.  One of the draws of foreign food, as related to me by people who try it, is the chance to encounter new tastes you’ve never experienced before and weren’t expecting.

But as God is my witness, Pop-Tarts are not such a food.  No one buys Pop-Tarts for the mystery factor.  You purchase them because you know exactly what you’re getting: a flaky pastry, probably frosting on top, and filled with whatever flavor you selected, be it S’Mores or Raspberry Milkshake or Soylent Green.  If I got a Pop-Tart that didn’t taste like what it was named, I would only eat the entire box in three days under extreme protest, I promise you that.  So when I learned Kellogg’s was releasing another limited edition holiday variety of Pop-Tarts, this one flavored like sugar cookies, my only thought was: they’d damn well better taste like sugar cookies.  Well, as it turns out:

…..yeah, basically they taste like sugar cookies.  Phew.

While no living human has eaten as many Pop-Tarts varieties as The Impulsive Buy’s editor-in-chief, I have been around the block a few times myself, and these are among the better-tasting Pop-Tarts I’ve tried.  They don’t taste exactly like real sugar cookies, which obviously don’t have vaguely marshmallow-y filling inside them like these do, and the texture is a bit different from crumbly sugar cookies.  You wouldn’t mistake them for cookies in a blind taste test is what I’m saying, but you’d still probably ask for another bite.  The sweetness lingers in your mouth afterward and might be too much for those without a sweet tooth, though I doubt the sugar-averse are picking up a package of these anyway.  And as simple as sugar cookies are, I’m glad Kellogg’s didn’t try making them Sugar Cookie Ice Cream Cone (With Rainbow Sprinkles and Hot Fudge) Pop-Tarts, which would’ve ruined it.  For once they wisely showed some restraint.

Not a lot, mind you.  I’m guessing someone’s train of thought was that if the pastry itself was going to be straightforward, they’d better jazz it up in other respects.  Said jazzing occurs two ways, the first of which is the wrappers.  As you probably know, they come in packs of two inside shiny foil wrappers. 

What I’ve never seen before is little word balloons with slogans extolling the virtues of the product contained therein, and yet there they were.  I’m guessing they’re randomly generated, since one of my wrappers sported the phrase “We look good in silver,” and immediately below it, “Silver is your color.”  Some are almost slightly funny, most just annoying.  I kept looking for one promising good things were right around the corner, but no dice.

But trite-ass slogans don’t sell Pop-Tarts, as my grandmother used to say — the main draw, other than the taste, is the “printed fun” promised in the name.  See, each pastry hosts a scene of a smiling creature frolicking in winter, be it kittens skiing or a penguin flipping you the bird (I assume… it’s hard to tell without fingers), or most bizarrely, a snowman bobsled team sporting two of Jamaica’s three national colors, suggesting someone at Kellogg’s has a sly sense of humor and a fondness for Cool Runnings.

The polar bear is skating rather than enjoying a cool, refreshing Coca-Cola, missing out on a golden opportunity for cross-promotion if you ask me, but then food blogging’s gain was the marketing world’s loss, obviously.  Anyway, they’re… well, they’re cute.  It’s not like kids needed an extra incentive to eat warm rectangles of sugar and fat, but they fit the holiday theme and allow you the chance to bite a seal’s head off without going to jail, so there’s that.

I unapologetically kind of dig these.  I should probably be annoyed by the excessive cuteness of the printed images, far more saccharine than anything contained within the pastry itself.  But… well, it’s the holiday season.  If there’s ever a time to refrain from mocking overly sentimental things, minus the last five paragraphs, this is probably it.  They taste good and pretty similar to actual sugar cookies, the printed images will appeal to their intended audience of children and me, and they can be used as a last-minute gift in a pinch, if it turns out your girlfriend doesn’t find the “Dick in a Box” skit as hilarious as you do.  Overall, as shameless holiday tie-ins go, they’re definitely among the better ones.

(Nutritional Info – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.39
Size: 21.2 oz/12 toaster pastries
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: (Mostly) taste like sugar cookies.  Delicious filling.  Abundant frosting.  Affordable price.  Cute animal images.  Keeping it simple.  Some of the foil word balloons.
Cons: The element of surprise in Pop-Tarts.  Atsa lotta sugar!  Missed marketing opportunities.  Overly cutesy.  Most of the foil word balloons.

Update: Click here to read our Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts review

Over the past few years, Kellogg’s has been producing their Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts for the holiday season. These Pop-Tarts have images of what appears to be spray tan addicted folks skiing and snowboarding.

This holiday season, Kellogg’s is not only re-releasing Gingerbread Pop-Tarts, it’s also introducing the Limited Edition Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts. According to the Kellogg’s website the limited edition Pop-Tart is, “Topped with white icing and fun, wintery pictures of decorated cookies, these pastries have delicious sugar cookie dough baked inside a sugar cookie crust.”

The “wintery pictures” on the Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts don’t consist of spray tanned skiers or snowboarders. Instead, they have slightly less creepy images like a polar bear ice skating and a penguin wearing earmuffs and a scarf.

A Kellogg’s Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts have 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

Source: Kellogg’s website

Yes, another Pop-Tarts review, but this time it’s in video form.

This is our 24th Pop-Tarts review and it’s also TIB’s 1,000th review overall.

WOO HOO!

I’d like to thank TIB’s past and present writers, who have helped this quasi-product review blog achieve this milestone. But we wouldn’t have reached this milestone if it weren’t for all of you who read our words (and watch our occasional videos). Because, seriously, if no one read this blog, I would’ve allowed it to join the millions of dead blogs floating around on the internet.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy TIB’s 1,000th review.

Notes:

I don’t bake, hang out at bakeries, or lollygag in the aisle at my local supermarket that consists of sugar, spice, and everything needed to make baked goods, so I didn’t know about the confetti cake.

If I lingered in the baking aisle like I linger in the magazine section at Waldenbooks Borders Barnes & Noble, I would’ve eventually noticed Duncan Hines makes a Confetti Cake Mix. But instead I had to learn about the confetti cake’s existence via Kellogg’s Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts.

I also probably would’ve learned about confetti cake earlier if one of the baker’s dozen or so of cake reality shows out there made one. Seriously, I’ve watched Ace of Cakes, Amazing Wedding Cakes, Cake Boss, Ultimate Cake Off, Fabulous Cakes, Cupcake Wars, DC Cupcakes, The Cupcake Girls, Last Cake Standing, Staten Island Cakes, and Have Cake, Will Travel, and not once did any of them bake this colorful dessert.

With its white frosting with colorful sprinkles on top, Limited Edition Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts look they contracted clown herpes, which I believe one can get by either being sprayed with water from a water squirter that looks like a flower or while stuffed in a small car with many other clowns. While the exterior looks like clown herpes, the multicolored cake-flavored filling looks like the pus that would ooze out of clown herpes sores.

Geez, I totally made these Pop-Tarts sound completely unappetizing, which, by the way, they are not.

The Limited Edition Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts are surprisingly tasty and they do taste like cake, albeit a slightly artificial cake. The crust does have a buttery flavor to it, but because that butteriness seems to linger in my mouth for a while it’s a little off-putting.

Okay, those last two sentences probably didn’t help make these Pop-Tarts sound appetizing, but, overall, I really like them and I think they’re yummy enough that I would put them somewhere at the bottom of my list of Top 10 Favorite Pop-Tarts Flavors of All-Time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 35 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat*, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.79
Size: 8 count
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Tastes like cake. Buttery crust. Tastes great toasted or not toasted.
Cons: Looks like they have clown herpes. Limited edition. Confetti sprinkles come off easily. The number of cake reality show. The number of brick and mortar booksellers.