The Impulsive Buy » Pop-Tarts

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts

Jeff — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 10:00:11 +0000

Pop-Tarts are just friggin’ weird. They resemble a tart as much as I look like actor Tom Cruise, or even pre/post-drug fiend Tom Sizemore. The pastry is exactly two ninety degree angles that form an exact rectangle scarier than the black monolith in Kubrick’s classic. Instead of being filled with stars, Dave, it is filled with jam, calories, carbohydrates and sodium. The frosting is shiny like nail polish and is harder than fondant. So yes, this is not health food but its shape does scream convenience.

You won’t find Pop-Tarts in a bakery. When you give them to a child, you can’t help but make the “sorry face.” All the cool kids have the Toaster Strudels but Pop-Tarts have persevered through all of it. These ubiquitous things have remained a part of our existence and I am sure when the Sun starts expanding in its death, the waters on Earth have dried up, all mammals have become pieces of tasty jerky, those Pop-Tarts are still going to survive. I know so.

And as weird as they are, like Tom Sizemore and his old drug habit, I have a strong compulsion to buy any new flavor of Pop-Tarts I see. I just have to. I don’t care if I get mostly disappointed when I eat them. I just need to have them now. It’s the same exact feeling I get when I buy supermarket sushi or when I watch German art films.

I habitually stop by the Pop-Tarts section when I go to down the cereal aisle. To my delight, I saw a box of Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts. With a title like that, I was expecting this to rival the KY Jelly Fire and Ice. I could blame The Impulsive Buy and say I bought these because I am obligated to review them. In truth, I would have bought them anyway because I just need to.

From gumdrops to Sunkist, I love all things orange flavored. The fact there is an orange pictured amongst the fruits pictured on the box will probably be the closest thing I will ever get to a marmalade Pop-Tart. To be specific, there is a strawberry and cherry pictured as well. I’m assuming this is the fruit fusion which doesn’t seem that wild but it’s Pop-Tarts we’re talking about here.

Amusing to me, the only fruits listed in the ingredients are cherries and apples. Even more fascinating are the instructions on how to toast your goodies. I’m not sure what it says about its target audience. They even have a diagram to emphasize how to toast these things. More depressing is what does this say about me? I had to toast another because I burned my first pastry.

I normally eat these untoasted but I will review these Pop-Tarts in both the raw and the cooked form.

Unsheathing the treat out of its silver wrapper, it was a bit comical to me how vibrant the colors of the frosting were. It looked like someone slathered mustard on it and then zig zagged ketchup (in true 1950’s kitsch) all over the tart. This thing could double as Jem’s truly outrageous maxi-pad.

In the simplest form, without toasting, the crust is dry as expected. The frosting is the same vague sweet flavor that can be found on all Pop-Tarts with that unnatural sugar shell. The bite is surprisingly a bit tart and not overly sweet. I like it because it is not an abundance of immediate sugar that will numb your tongue.

The jam itself has a strong cherry flavor but I’m not sure if it overwhelmed the orange and strawberry. Not really a surprise since they aren’t listed in the ingredients. I ended up taking a couple more bites and only the tart cherry jam shines through. That is kind of disappointing but the fact that this (let’s face it, these things are really big cookies) is not as sweet as the other flavors is a plus.

Toasted, it smells like baked sugar but not in a welcoming bakery way. It’s just baked sugar. I hate that smell which is why I never toast them, but I’m also lazy. Texture wise, the frosting adds a nice crispness and the jam is even more intense. The taste is improved but not enough for me to bother toasting these things. I’m making a “lazy face” here.

Let’s be honest and come to an agreement that nobody really craves these things. There are better ways to spend 200 calories and the sodium is high enough to offset my blood pressure meds. I can’t tell you how many unfinished boxes of Pop-Tarts I have chucked out. I liked this one despite the repulsive color frosting but will probably not finish the box.

I would still make the “sorry face” if I had to give one to my little niece or any other kids looking for a snack. Yet, I (in a non-committal way) would eat these again as I made the “yeah, I know” face. So yeah reader, I know.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of Saturated fat, 2 grams if Polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 170 mg of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than one gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts
Price: $1.99
Size: 14.1 ounces/8 toaster pastries
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The tart sweetness is a nice change. Easy to hold. Tom Sizemore in Heat. Tom Cruise in Collateral (Michael Mann is the man). Making faces. If you love cherry, you cannot go wrong. Toasting it has a nice texture. 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Cons: No orange flavor. Easy to burn if you’re a dummy like me. Crust is dry but that’s to be expected. Wild frosting does nothing for the Pop-Tart. The color is a bit gross looking. Tom Sizemore in that sex video. Tom Cruise in MI:2. Loaded with sodium, unless you love sodium! 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Squeezes In One Last New Pop-Tarts Release Before The End of 2011

Marvo — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:00:00 +0000

Update: Click here to read our Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts review

When I heard about the Limited Edition Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts in October, I thought that would be the last new Pop-Tarts flavor Kellogg’s would introduce in 2011. After all, they released five new flavors this year.

I’d list them all, but I believe reading that list might make your ass a little bigger.

But here I am with about three weeks until the end of the year and I’m writing this post about Kellogg’s latest Pop-Tarts flavor — Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Fruit Fusion.

Out of all the Wildlicious Pop-Tarts flavors available, which I also won’t list for fear of making your ass bigger, Frosted Wild! Fruit Fusion is by far the wildest of the bunch because it’s not just one fruit that’s gone wild. This Pop-Tart is the Joe Francis of Pop-Tarts because it makes cherry, orange, strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, and other fruits go wild. It’s topped with yellow frosting, orange icing drizzle, and multi-colored sprinkles.

One Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tart has 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat (made with partially hydrogenated oil), 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Image via flickr user heydrienne / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts

Drew — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:00:16 +0000

The element of surprise can be a valuable tool. As the Japanese poet Bashō famously observed, “When you surprise your enemy, you fuck his shit up.” [Translated] That’s true both on the battlefield and in the kitchen. I’ve eaten and reviewed plenty of foods that have surprised me, some pleasantly, some less so. One of the draws of foreign food, as related to me by people who try it, is the chance to encounter new tastes you’ve never experienced before and weren’t expecting.

But as God is my witness, Pop-Tarts are not such a food. No one buys Pop-Tarts for the mystery factor. You purchase them because you know exactly what you’re getting: a flaky pastry, probably frosting on top, and filled with whatever flavor you selected, be it S’Mores or Raspberry Milkshake or Soylent Green. If I got a Pop-Tart that didn’t taste like what it was named, I would only eat the entire box in three days under extreme protest, I promise you that. So when I learned Kellogg’s was releasing another limited edition holiday variety of Pop-Tarts, this one flavored like sugar cookies, my only thought was: they’d damn well better taste like sugar cookies. Well, as it turns out:

…..yeah, basically they taste like sugar cookies. Phew.

While no living human has eaten as many Pop-Tarts varieties as The Impulsive Buy’s editor-in-chief, I have been around the block a few times myself, and these are among the better-tasting Pop-Tarts I’ve tried. They don’t taste exactly like real sugar cookies, which obviously don’t have vaguely marshmallow-y filling inside them like these do, and the texture is a bit different from crumbly sugar cookies. You wouldn’t mistake them for cookies in a blind taste test is what I’m saying, but you’d still probably ask for another bite. The sweetness lingers in your mouth afterward and might be too much for those without a sweet tooth, though I doubt the sugar-averse are picking up a package of these anyway. And as simple as sugar cookies are, I’m glad Kellogg’s didn’t try making them Sugar Cookie Ice Cream Cone (With Rainbow Sprinkles and Hot Fudge) Pop-Tarts, which would’ve ruined it. For once they wisely showed some restraint.

Not a lot, mind you. I’m guessing someone’s train of thought was that if the pastry itself was going to be straightforward, they’d better jazz it up in other respects. Said jazzing occurs two ways, the first of which is the wrappers. As you probably know, they come in packs of two inside shiny foil wrappers.

What I’ve never seen before is little word balloons with slogans extolling the virtues of the product contained therein, and yet there they were. I’m guessing they’re randomly generated, since one of my wrappers sported the phrase “We look good in silver,” and immediately below it, “Silver is your color.” Some are almost slightly funny, most just annoying. I kept looking for one promising good things were right around the corner, but no dice.

But trite-ass slogans don’t sell Pop-Tarts, as my grandmother used to say — the main draw, other than the taste, is the “printed fun” promised in the name. See, each pastry hosts a scene of a smiling creature frolicking in winter, be it kittens skiing or a penguin flipping you the bird (I assume… it’s hard to tell without fingers), or most bizarrely, a snowman bobsled team sporting two of Jamaica’s three national colors, suggesting someone at Kellogg’s has a sly sense of humor and a fondness for Cool Runnings.

The polar bear is skating rather than enjoying a cool, refreshing Coca-Cola, missing out on a golden opportunity for cross-promotion if you ask me, but then food blogging’s gain was the marketing world’s loss, obviously. Anyway, they’re… well, they’re cute. It’s not like kids needed an extra incentive to eat warm rectangles of sugar and fat, but they fit the holiday theme and allow you the chance to bite a seal’s head off without going to jail, so there’s that.

I unapologetically kind of dig these. I should probably be annoyed by the excessive cuteness of the printed images, far more saccharine than anything contained within the pastry itself. But… well, it’s the holiday season. If there’s ever a time to refrain from mocking overly sentimental things, minus the last five paragraphs, this is probably it. They taste good and pretty similar to actual sugar cookies, the printed images will appeal to their intended audience of children and me, and they can be used as a last-minute gift in a pinch, if it turns out your girlfriend doesn’t find the “Dick in a Box” skit as hilarious as you do. Overall, as shameless holiday tie-ins go, they’re definitely among the better ones.

(Nutritional Info – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.39
Size: 21.2 oz/12 toaster pastries
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: (Mostly) taste like sugar cookies. Delicious filling. Abundant frosting. Affordable price. Cute animal images. Keeping it simple. Some of the foil word balloons.
Cons: The element of surprise in Pop-Tarts. Atsa lotta sugar! Missed marketing opportunities. Overly cutesy. Most of the foil word balloons.

NEWS: Keep Santa Jolly By Leaving Him Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts On Christmas Eve

Marvo — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 10:50:19 +0000

Update: Click here to read our Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts review

Over the past few years, Kellogg’s has been producing their Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts for the holiday season. These Pop-Tarts have images of what appears to be spray tan addicted folks skiing and snowboarding.

This holiday season, Kellogg’s is not only re-releasing Gingerbread Pop-Tarts, it’s also introducing the Limited Edition Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts. According to the Kellogg’s website the limited edition Pop-Tart is, “Topped with white icing and fun, wintery pictures of decorated cookies, these pastries have delicious sugar cookie dough baked inside a sugar cookie crust.”

The “wintery pictures” on the Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts don’t consist of spray tanned skiers or snowboarders. Instead, they have slightly less creepy images like a polar bear ice skating and a penguin wearing earmuffs and a scarf.

A Kellogg’s Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts have 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

Source: Kellogg’s website

VIDEO REVIEW: Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Strawberry Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 09:10:34 +0000

Yes, another Pop-Tarts review, but this time it’s in video form.

This is our 24th Pop-Tarts review and it’s also TIB’s 1,000th review overall.

WOO HOO!

I’d like to thank TIB’s past and present writers, who have helped this quasi-product review blog achieve this milestone. But we wouldn’t have reached this milestone if it weren’t for all of you who read our words (and watch our occasional videos). Because, seriously, if no one read this blog, I would’ve allowed it to join the millions of dead blogs floating around on the internet.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy TIB’s 1,000th review.

Notes:

Dave Matthews image via Flickr user Spector1 / CC BY SA 2.0

Strawberries image via Flickr user coolmikeol / CC BY 2.0

Raisins image via Flickr user bastique / CC BY SA 2.0

Raw meat image via Flickr user VirtualErn / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 18:00:00 +0000

I don’t bake, hang out at bakeries, or lollygag in the aisle at my local supermarket that consists of sugar, spice, and everything needed to make baked goods, so I didn’t know about the confetti cake.

If I lingered in the baking aisle like I linger in the magazine section at ~~Waldenbooks~~ ~~Borders~~ Barnes & Noble, I would’ve eventually noticed Duncan Hines makes a Confetti Cake Mix. But instead I had to learn about the confetti cake’s existence via Kellogg’s Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts.

I also probably would’ve learned about confetti cake earlier if one of the baker’s dozen or so of cake reality shows out there made one. Seriously, I’ve watched Ace of Cakes, Amazing Wedding Cakes, Cake Boss, Ultimate Cake Off, Fabulous Cakes, Cupcake Wars, DC Cupcakes, The Cupcake Girls, Last Cake Standing, Staten Island Cakes, and Have Cake, Will Travel, and not once did any of them bake this colorful dessert.

With its white frosting with colorful sprinkles on top, Limited Edition Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts look they contracted clown herpes, which I believe one can get by either being sprayed with water from a water squirter that looks like a flower or while stuffed in a small car with many other clowns. While the exterior looks like clown herpes, the multicolored cake-flavored filling looks like the pus that would ooze out of clown herpes sores.

Geez, I totally made these Pop-Tarts sound completely unappetizing, which, by the way, they are not.

The Limited Edition Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts are surprisingly tasty and they do taste like cake, albeit a slightly artificial cake. The crust does have a buttery flavor to it, but because that butteriness seems to linger in my mouth for a while it’s a little off-putting.

Okay, those last two sentences probably didn’t help make these Pop-Tarts sound appetizing, but, overall, I really like them and I think they’re yummy enough that I would put them somewhere at the bottom of my list of Top 10 Favorite Pop-Tarts Flavors of All-Time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 35 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat*, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.79
Size: 8 count
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Tastes like cake. Buttery crust. Tastes great toasted or not toasted.
Cons: Looks like they have clown herpes. Limited edition. Confetti sprinkles come off easily. The number of cake reality show. The number of brick and mortar booksellers.

NEWS: Kellogg’s March To Pop-Tartize Every Dessert Continues With Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 20:17:53 +0000

Update: Click here to read our Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts review

With the release of the new Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts, I now realize Kellogg’s has an almost endless supply of desserts they can choose from to create new Pop-Tarts flavors that are poor representations of the actual desserts. I can imagine Custard Pie Pop-Tarts, Red Velvet Cupcake Pop-Tarts, Strawberry Cheesecake Pop-Tarts, Tiramisu Pop-Tarts, and Fruitcake Pop-Tarts.

With all of these Pop-Tarts dessert flavors, I can also imagine someone making a parody of those Yoplait Light Yogurt commercials with women bragging about how they’re eating all these desserts and losing weight, but they’re really eating Yoplait yogurt.

According to the Kellogg’s website, the Limited Edition Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts consist of “colorful confetti sprinkles on top of the white-frosted, buttery crust and inside the cake-flavored filling.”

One Frosted Confetti Cake Pop-Tart has 190 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals.

Source: Kellogg’s website

REVIEW: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 10:00:00 +0000

When I die, I hope my tombstone doesn’t say, “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts,” even though I have eaten way too many Pop-Tarts.

Oh wait, I’m being cremated, so I hope my urn isn’t etched with “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts” or my body isn’t burned into ashes using a giant toaster oven.

If humans didn’t poop, I would have more variety of Pop-Tarts in my body than any grocery store on the planet. Just look at all the different Pop-Tarts I’ve eaten and reviewed over the years in a convenient linked list that totally looks like a ploy to increase this blog’s page views:

If this list of Pop-Tarts flavors was instead a list of women I’ve slept with, I would be considered a manwhore and probably have/had spread an STD or two. Or three. Or everything that’s listed in the Oxford American Handbook of Clinical Medicine.

The latest Pop-Tarts flavor that has allowed me to add another notch to the side of my toaster is the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts.

If you look at the photo below, you’ll notice Kellogg’s is being very generous by calling these Pop-Tarts “frosted.” There’s no doubt that there’s frosting on top, but instead of a layer of it like with other frosted Pop-Tarts, it’s drizzled on much like you’d find on many actual cherry turnovers. This amount of frosting is equivalent to the amount of skin a Wicked Weasel bikini covers, which is just enough to make you wonder, “Why bother?”

There has been a regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts for some time now with a proper layer of frosting on top. I thought the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts would taste exactly the same. So in order to find out, I increased my chances for Type II diabetes by picking up a box and eating regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts.

After tasting both, the difference in flavor reminds me of the time my parents switched my usual Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts with Blueberry Pop-Tarts without frosting. Back then, my young taste buds could notice a significant difference. The unfrosted one was less sweet, the blueberry flavor was less pronounced, and the lack of sweetness and flavor made me cry until my parents could produce in front of me a Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart.

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tart is also less sweet and the cherry flavor is less pronounced than a regular cherry Pop-Tart. It’s as if the Pop-Tart’s nearly unfrosted crust doesn’t want the cherry to pop. But when I could taste the cherry filling, it didn’t have any artificial taste to it, which I guess there shouldn’t be since it’s made with real fruit (not only dried cherries, but also dried apples).

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts are a disappointment and I’m glad they’re a limited edition. However, if you try them and adore them, don’t fret about them being limited edition. Even though they don’t taste exactly alike, grab a box of regular Cherry Pop-Tarts, scrape off the frosting, steal the frosting packet from a box of Toaster Strudels, drizzle some of it on top of the naked Pop-Tart, and there you go. The limited edition is limited no more.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s a limited edition. The box might be worth $1.99 in a future eBay auction. Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts. Wicked Weasel bikinis.
Cons: Disappointing flavor. It has frosting, but really can’t be considered frosted. Being burned in a giant toaster oven. The difference between frosted and unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Kellogg’s still making unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Lame attempts to gain page views.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Releases Two Non-Ice Cream Related Pop-Tarts Flavors

Marvo — Tue, 17 May 2011 00:11:43 +0000

If Kellogg’s ever stops releasing new Pop-Tarts, I will be upset. I will get down on my knees, raise my hands towards the sky, let tears fall from my cheeks, and ask a higher power — the manager at my local supermarket — “Why!?!” It would upset me because Pop-Tarts, and my desire to forget about an ex-girlfriend, inspired me to start up this blog that clogs the arteries of the internet with reviews of foods you should always eat in moderation.

But, it looks like the Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts train is still rolling with their new Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts and Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Strawberry Pop-Tarts.

Oh, in case you were wondering, Kellogg’s owns the Wildlicious trademark, so I would suggest not using it as a stripper name.

According to the Kellogg’s website, the Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts consists of “golden, buttery crust surrounding cherry turnover flavored filling with a drizzle of white icing on top.” While the Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Strawberry Pop-Tarts are made with Pop-Tarts’ classic crust, filled with a strawberry filling with a tangy twist, and topped with bright pink icing, light pink icing drizzle, and green sprinkles.

One Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tart has 190 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

A Wildlicious Frosted Wild! Strawberry Pop-Tart has 200 caloires, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Both flavors are fortified with nine vitamins and minerals and available in boxes of eight.

Source: Kellogg’s website

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Drew — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 10:00:53 +0000

Many of you reading this may wonder why a 30-year-old man is reviewing Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [22], a sugary abomination clearly designed solely to be eaten by children for, you know, “breakfast.” (We know better, don’t we, kids?) It’s pretty simple — reviewing a fine product like Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [61] is the easiest way for me to meet my word quota without having to say anything of substance. If you look carefully, you’ll realize this entire review is only five sentences long. Can I get an “Amen!” for cheating the system? A few more of these and I’ll finally be able to afford those pec implants. I mean, penis smallification surgery! Obviously.

But since we’re here, we might as well take a closer look at this affront to parents and dentists alike, by which of course I’m referring to Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [161]. As a teenager I used to scarf down the S’mores variety with the same frequency that most of my peers were watching scrambled porn (“I think that was a boob! Sweet!”), but I haven’t had one of any kind in probably a decade. Back then I never bothered reading nutritional information because I was swimming a billion hours a week (estimated) so it really didn’t matter, but apparently Pop-Tarts is not health food. Crazy!

But what they lack in nutritional value, Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [252] more than make up for in visual insanity. The package alone has caused more seizures than a viewing of Tron on acid — you have the respective Kellogg’s and Pop-Tarts logos superimposed on an old-timey “ice cream shoppe” (the extra “pe” stands for quaintness) awning, with a helpful “New Flavor!” tag in one corner, and that’s just the top half. The bottom shows a picture of the Pop-Tart itself with a real ice cream sandwich flying around it, leaving a rainbow comet trail in its wake that also proclaims it a good source of calcium. Holy balls, I want to eat one of these and go fight a leprechaun. You’re my bitch now, Lucky. Removing one from the foil wrapper is only a slight letdown, as it does indeed boast an abundance of multicolored sprinkles, plus a chocolate swirl. I can honestly say it’s the least boring Pop-Tart I’ve ever seen, which is not saying much, but there it is.

Obviously Kellogg’s can’t put actual ice cream inside their Pop-Tarts, yet have set themselves the task of making the brand taste as much like ice cream as possible, so I was curious about how they’d accomplish this. The answer, it turns out, is “just cram a whole mess of frosting up in there.” It really tastes more like marshmallow or cake frosting than ice cream, which is not such a bad thing. The rainbow sprinkles further put me in the mindset of cake, to the point where “Ye Olde Birth-day Cake” would probably be a more accurate brand name than “Ice Cream Shoppe.” The chocolate drizzle on the top does indeed look a bit like hot fudge, but unless you’ve got hypersensitive taste buds, you’re not going to be able to detect the chocolate — the frosting taste dominates over all, with perhaps a bit of sprinkle evident if my eyes aren’t just liking the pretty colors and arbitrarily assigning a taste to them. And let’s be honest, any ice cream cookie sandwich you’ve ever eaten had either chocolate chips or M&Ms in the cookies, not just the rainbow sprinkles offered to us by Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [616].

I wasn’t really disappointed by the Pop-Tarts because they still taste good, even if they don’t perfectly capture the flavor they’re trying to approximate. They reminded me more than a little of the S’mores Pop-Tarts of my youth, just with less chocolate and a more overtly sugary flavor to the filling. True, they taste more like a birthday cake than an ice cream sandwich, but since either is a perfectly acceptable treat when you’re a kid, I’d say they meet the needs of their target audience, as well as those of us just looking to recapture a bit of our youth.

Thanks Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts. [727! Word quota accomplished!]

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a myriad vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.35
Size: 1 box of 8
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good. Hearkening back to really unhealthy youth. Saying the full name makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Scrambled porn. Talking smack to leprechauns. Staring at box cheaper than buying drugs. Can’t go wrong with cake. Meeting word quota.
Cons: Wang surgery not cheap. Scrambled porn actually 1979 4-H livestock semifinals. Requires “toasting” device to unlock full potential. Doesn’t taste like ice cream. Hollow feeling at working the system.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Creates Made Up Dessert Name For Their Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 11:06:08 +0000

Update: Click here to read our Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts review

If my protruding, slightly hanging gut is correct, I’ve eaten a lot of ice cream treats over the years, but I’ve never heard of a rainbow cookie sandwich, which Kellogg’s is attempting to recreate with their new Kellogg’s Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Ice Cream Shoppe Pop-Tarts.

Go and Google “rainbow cookie sandwich.” Or let me do it for you. You’ll see that Kellogg’s is trying to emulate the flavor of a dessert with a name that doesn’t seem to exist. Because if Google doesn’t know what it is, then it doesn’t exist.

Although, from the packaging, it looks like the rainbow chocolate chip crust, vanilla filling and chocolatey icing swirl on top is supposed to create a flavor that’s like an M&M’s Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich.

One Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tart contains 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and, like all Pop-Tarts, it’s fortified with a throng of vitamins and minerals.

Source: Kellogg’s website

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Gingerbread Printed Fun Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 10:00:29 +0000

The Limited Edition Gingerbread Printed Fun Pop-Tarts are a seasonal flavor that’s been around for a few years, but I never picked them up because the images printed on them freak me out.

The images include a gingerbread house with a working chimney and gingerbread men ice skating, snowboarding and being an ice hockey goalie. Seriously, they look like the hallucinations one would have if they decided to huff a spray snow can or wear a homemade Santa beard made with cotton balls and rubber cement.

Gingerbread men don’t snowboard or ice skate. They just lie there on their backs with their arms stretched out and legs spread open, like a prostitute letting time pass by, waiting for their pay, while their client does their thing on top of them, occasionally letting out an unenthusiastic moan or “You feel so good.”

Instead, Kellogg’s should’ve printed realistic holiday images on these Limited Edition Gingerbread Printed Fun Pop-Tarts, and I’m not talking about Santa or Christmas trees.

I’m talking about images of people camping out the day before Black Friday at a Best Buy, hoping to score a dirt cheap laptop or HDTV from a brand they’ve never heard of. I’m talking about images of two adults fighting over a toy in the middle of a Walmart. I’m talking about images of children finding out that Santa doesn’t exist when they see their parents stuffing their stockings on Christmas Eve. I’m talking about images of Jewish people having to explain to non-Jewish people what Hanukkah is and how to spell it.

Kellogg’s decided to go bareback with these Pop-Tarts and not make them frosted. I don’t think the Pop-Tarts’ brown crust makes a good canvas for the machine that stamps on the images because the combination of the crust and Federal Food Drug & Cosmetic Act-approved food coloring makes it looks like the Jersey Shore’s Snooki is snowboarding, ice skating and playing goalie for the New Jersey Devils on these Pop-Tarts.

Although they’re not frosted, there are sugar crystals sprinkled on top, which seems unnecessary because sprinkling sugar on an already sugary Pop-Tart is like pooping on poop. What really gives these Pop-Tarts their sugary, teeth-rotting goodness is the white filling inside them, which has a strong vanilla flavor with a bit of gingerbread. The filling combined with the mild gingerbread flavor of the pastry, creates a pleasant Pop-Tarts flavor, which makes me regret not overcoming the freaky images on these Pop-Tarts earlier.

Overall, I enjoyed the Limited Edition Gingerbread Printed Fun Pop-Tarts, especially when toasted and flipped over so I didn’t have to stare at an image of Snooki skiing while eating it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry/50 grams – 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Gingerbread Printed Fun Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.99
Size: 12 pastries
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant gingerbread flavor. Best when toasted and flipped over. Vanilla filling also had a little gingerbread flavor. Sniffing rubber cement. Contains seven vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not frosted. Images freak me out. Gingerbread images remind me of Snooki. Limited edition. Missing Thanksgiving dinner to wait in line at Best Buy for a cheap laptop.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 10/30/2010

Marvo — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 10:46:06 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow. If you visit them, please leave a comment that says either hello, Happy Halloween or BOO! YAH!

Just in time for the holiday that involves people dressing up is the McSandwich that’s dressed up to look like a slab of ribs. (via Grub Grade)

I wish I had a gum that helped me concentrate and improve memory in college. Actually, I wish I had a gum that helped me cheat. (via Gigi Reviews)

This gummy rat in trap should be available year-round for not only those who want to make a fake haunted house, but also those who want to make a fake Hoarders house. (via Sugar Pressure)

The only thing scary about Choc-o-Lantern Pop-Tarts is the high fructose corn syrup in it. (via Junk Food Betty)

Pepsi Mont Blanc is the fanciest sounding soda I’ve heard of since Goya’s Cola Champagne. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Popeye’s has a sandwich called the Po’ Boy (poor boy) and it costs four dollars. If a poor boy is buying a four dollar sandwich, I know why he’s poor. He hasn’t heard of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. (via An Immovable Feast)

Happy Halloween!

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 10/16/2010

Marvo — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 10:00:26 +0000

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

If you ever take the time to deeply examine the clusterfuck known as the Jack in the Box menu board, you will find a grilled cheese sandwich, bacon cheddar potato wedges, mini churros and egg rolls. (via An Immovable Feast)

I’m disappointed this Colgate Halloween toothpaste doesn’t glow in the dark, because if my teeth can’t be glowing white because of my diet cola addiction, I’d like them to, at least, just glow. (via The Surfing Pizza)

Caramel Apple Hershey’s Kisses sound good, but I prefer the real thing because the apple will keep the doctor away and slapping it on my forehead will make me feel like a unicorn. (via Sugar Pressure)

250 milligrams of caffeine will increase your heart rate. But 250 grams of caffeine will make your heart explode. Okay, actually, only one gram will make your heart explode. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Pop-Tarts with gingerbread men imprinted on them are nice, but I’d really like to see a dark chocolate one with a frosting imprint of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. (via Awful Food)

Image via flickr user pyxopotamus / CC BY ND 2.0

REVIEW: Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Marvo — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 22:23:57 +0000

According to the Kellogg’s Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts box, they have “25% Less Sugar Than Leading Toaster Pastries.” But if I’m not mistaken, aren’t Pop-Tarts the leading toaster pastry?

Or did I get sucked through a wormhole and end up in an alternate universe where Pillsbury Toaster Strudels are the leading toaster pastry and The Situation is a fat nobody from New Jersey who got his nickname because the person who enters the bathroom after him will end up in a bad situation?

Wait, let me tolerate MTV and TMZ to find out if I went through a wormhole.

Nope, still in the same universe where The Situation has six-pack abs, Snookie is still orange, there’s a particular hot tub in New Jersey that surprisingly can transmit STDs and Pop-Tarts are the leading toaster pastry.

But if I were in an alternate universe where Toaster Strudels were the ruling toaster pastry, the statement “25% Less Sugar Than Leading Toaster Pastries” wouldn’t be true, because most Toaster Strudels have nine grams of sugar, while these Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts have 11 grams.

So it seems Kellogg’s is admitting, in a slightly misleading way, that most of their Pop-Tarts are, as Def Leppard likes to say, sticky sweet. But at least these Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts have 25 percent less sugar than other Pop-Tarts, which have 15-17 grams of sugar. Although unfrosted Pop-Tarts, which I’m surprised still exist, have around 13 grams.

Twenty-five percent less sugar is fine and dandy, if you’re a mother trying to prevent your child from getting hyper or turning into The Situation from an alternate universe, but having less sugar makes the Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts the most insipid flavor Kellogg’s has ever offered, and that includes unfrosted Pop-Tarts and Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts.

These Pop-Tarts had the potential to be really good because I loves me some ice cream sandwiches, but the vanilla filling wasn’t filled with vanilla and the chocolate crust was chocolame. I tried them every way possible, as if I broke out the Kama Sutra of Pop-Tarts eating. But no matter how I tried them, they were still disappointing. Maybe if they artificially flavored them a bit more they would be enjoyable, but with the way they are now I’d really like these Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts to melt away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry/48 grams – 190 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: 25 percent less sugar than the leading toaster pastry, i.e. Pop-Tarts. Contains vitamins and minerals. Use high fructose corn syrup. Kama Sutra.
Cons: Worst Pop-Tart flavor ever. Vanilla filling wasn’t filled with vanilla. Chocolate crust was chocolame. TMZ. MTV. The water in the Jersey Shore hot tub. Entering the bathroom after The Situation from an alternate universe uses it.