REVIEW: Hershey’s Rally Bar (2013)

Rally Bar

Having witnessed multiple variations of time travel in movies, I’ve learned that some methods of journeying into the past are more dangerous than others. For example:

  • I might get sucked in a black hole (Star Trek)
  • I might have to become a hyper-intelligent wizard in a near-death situation (Harry Potter)
  • I might have to drive 88 miles per hour on a suburban street (Back to the Future), which would encourage speeding tickets from my local law enforcement

Because I know that Hollywood is fact-checking all its sources, one can only conclude that time travel can be painful, high-maintenance, and/or involve unnecessary trips to traffic court. Nonetheless, I often dream of going back and snagging a taste of some of those rare products that disappeared before my time. Thankfully, Hershey’s is sparing me the toil of arranging time travel transportation by resurrecting their Rally Bar from its 1970s grave and stashing it at Walgreens all over the land.

Taking inspiration from its longstanding confectionary kin, the Rally bar compresses the caramel-peanut combo of a Pay Day with the lumpy, bumpy look of a Baby Ruth, resulting in a chocolate covered, peanut-coated caramel log that may or may not be a geographically correct interpretation of the Austrian Mountains.

Rally Bar The hills are alive! With the sound of music!

“The hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Diving right in, the chocolate is quick to melt, sweet, and fudgy. This is trademark Hershey’s chocolate: the kind that gets gooey on s’mores and calls forth multiple washes of your jeans after it melts in your pocket in 80-degree weather. Its palm-oil-y layer is sugary with a hint of cocoa to remind you it’s chocolate. On its own, the coating hangs off the cliff of getting too sweet. Thankfully, the peanuts and caramel nougat are there to back it up.

The structural support beam of the bar comes in the form of the nougat, which has a bit of an identity crisis. Is it caramel? Is it vanilla? At times it’s both, and I’m okay with that because it’s surrounded by a stringy, Twix-like caramel. This spin on the sticky sweet stuff gives its taste headline to the dextrose while a buttery-nut chaser comes in at the end, and anything with a chaser makes things better.

Rally Bar Gooey innards

The peanuts are outright impressive. These aren’t those puny little nubbins you might get on your discount $49 plane ride you booked on that questionable discount travel site. These are huge, fresh specimens, lightly toasted without a trace of bitterness. Mr. Peanut would approve.

Room temperature, the Rally is pleasant, but, when given a 3-7 second nuke in the microwave, every element heightens to a new form. The caramel gets goopier, the chocolate more fudgy, and the peanuts ride this chocolate slip-and-slide with ease, and all because of seven seconds in my radiation-grade mini-oven. While attempting to maneuver this goopy, malleable mass of chocolate from the 600-watt microwave into my mouth, all I could think was, “Man, this would be great in my morning oatmeal.” And it was. It was also quite good topped with potato chips. No matter how you eat it, eat it while it’s hot.*

*The unofficial title of my debut rap album.

This Rally resurrection reinforces the hypothesis that, when one combines chocolate, caramel, and peanuts in the right ratios, Goodness results. The bar itself is nothing groundbreaking, but just because it isn’t unique doesn’t make it un-delicious. It’s got a funky shape, a sugary coating, and peanuts that tide me over till the next meal/mini meal/snack/pre-dinner chomp/midnight craving strikes, so welcome back, Rally. It’s good to have you.

(Nutrition Facts – 230 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein..)

Item: Hershey’s Rally Bar
Purchased Price: 97 cents
Size: 1.66 oz
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fudgy. Stringy, sweet caramel. Fresh, chunky peanuts. Similar to a chocolate covered Pay Day. Even better when microwaved. Slip-and-slides made of fudge. Underdogs. Time Travel.
Cons: Chocolate flavor stunted by palm oil. Caramel may be too dextrose-forward for some. Only available at Walgreens. Washing chocolate out of your jeans. Getting sucked in a black hole. Speeding tickets.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate Bar

Hershey's Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate Bar

When I lived in England, there were three things I did routinely for fun: Drink, watch reruns of The Simpsons, and eat chocolate. Not necessarily in that order, but often during the course of a single day. There was this milk chocolate candy bar called Wispa, which was very fun to say in a British accent and unique to my American chocolate sensibilities due to the fact that it was “aerated.” The chocolate had tiny air bubbles in it, which didn’t change the flavor of the bar in any way, but did make the texture a little creamier. Cadbury’s Wispa bar was sort of interesting for what it was at the time (it was discontinued after I left and renamed Dairy Milk Bubbly, which sounds HORRIBLE), but it was still a plain old chocolate bar that melted in me gob faster than I could say “Bob’s-your-uncle.” Gov’na.

Hershey's Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate Bar Outtards

Inexplicably, aerated chocolate has been a trend in Europe for a long time (see also: Aero bars), and now, it’s finally landed on our shores. Hershey’s has released a similar milk chocolate bar that they have dubbed “Hershey’s Air Delight.” Just like the Wispa, it’s chock-full o’ holes. Irregularly-shaped holes. Now let’s get something nice and sparkling clear. I happen to be one of those people who has an unpleasant visceral reaction to the sight of many irregularly-shaped holes or circles clustered together on an object. Things like sea sponges and rashes make my skin crawl. I don’t believe I’m alone in this. OK, maybe I am… But at least I know that it could be a lot worse.

One of my very good friends can’t stand the sight of bubbles or a mound of beads when they are evenly-spaced and of equal shape and size, which you are probably far more likely to encounter in daily life. As a clean freak, the possibility of constantly getting the creepy-crawlies from dish bubbles would mean I was destined for a lifetime of discomfort, so I’m grateful for the small (evenly-shaped) things.

That being said, Hershey’s Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate uses these misshapen air bubbles to make you think they’ve packed more chocolate into the same package when they’re actually giving you less. Half of the candy bar you just bought is air. The Air Delight bar is divided into several rectangular pieces, just like the original Hershey’s bar, but the pieces are slightly thicker. When you bite into it, it feels a little bit crumblier and crispier than a normal chocolate bar, but that could be because the holes (ergh!) are collapsing upon each other. The aerated milk chocolate itself tastes like regular milk chocolate and seems a bit creamier.

Hershey's Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate Bar Innards

Now, let’s get to the uncomfortable part. The holes (gah!) are like honeycomb. Teensy little bubbles in the chocolate. I tried not to look too closely lest I would want to scratch off my own flesh, but it was actually not that bad. I guess the knowledge that the bubble/holes are edible and not caused by pestilence makes it more tolerable.

Anyway, Hershey’s Air Delight is a fine milk chocolate bar with a nice milk chocolate flavor, even if the aerating process doesn’t really add anything to it but a slight crunchiness when you bite and a smooth creaminess when you chew — a small reward for blowing air holes in my candy. Now if they had been speed holes to make the chocolate bar go faster, that would have been awesome.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar (1.44 ounces/40 grams) – 200 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 8% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Other Hershey’s Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate Bar reviews:
Candyblog
Obsessive Sweets
Foodette Reviews
Fat Guy Food Blog
A Taste of Koko
Random Dude Eats Random Food

Item: Hershey’s Air Delight Aerated Milk Chocolate Bar
Price: $1.19
Size: 1.44 ounces
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious Hershey’s milk chocolate flavor. Fanciful chocolate bar names spoken in foreign accents. Bigger, thicker candy bar pieces. Has a nice crunch. Melts in your mouth. Speed holes.
Cons: Irregularly-shaped holes. Aeration process does nothing more than inject air into the candy and siphon money from your wallet. Creepy-crawlies. European candy trends that don’t really make sense. Candy bar holes are not speed holes.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies

Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies

The other week, Impulsive Buy reader Emily sent me an email asking if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer, like our friends at The Message Whore suggested (who also REALLY liked the Reese’s Cookies), and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Take 5

Take5

Wow. I just realized something.

The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.

Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.

To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.

The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)

At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.

I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.

(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)

The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.

(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)

After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.

Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.

Wassup, Take 5! Why you gotta be a hater for?

Where the hell is the nouGAT at?

Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?

I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.

Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?

Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.

Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?

Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?

Damn hater.

Item: Hershey’s Take 5
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy.
Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?