If peanuts were the measurement of being xtreme, elephants would be doing Mountain Dew commercials and Mr. Peanut wouldn’t be wearing a top hat and holding a cane, instead he would be wearing a helmet, riding a skateboard, and constantly cracking his nuts (or himself) while trying to do railslides down a set of stairs.

The Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme has an xtreme amount of peanuts. As you can see in the picture below, it’s frickin’ full of peanuts. It’s perfect for someone who loves peanuts so much that if it were legal, they would marry them, despite the fact it would be REALLY difficult to consummate the marriage.

To figure out how much more xtreme Snickers Xtreme was than regular Snickers, I decided to dissect each candy bar like it was a frog in a biology class, a cadaver in an anatomy class, or a female contestant on The Bachelor.

However, before I started cutting open each candy bar, I thought just dissecting them wouldn’t be xtreme enough. After all, I was dealing with a Snickers Xtreme. So I decided to try and do an xtreme dissection that involved me blindfolded. underwater without oxygen, surrounded by sharks, and using a live swordfish as my cutting instrument. Unfortunately, the bill of a swordfish doesn’t cut very well, but does stab very well, and I can only hold my breath underwater for ten seconds, so I had to settle for a regular dissection.

As you can see in the picture above the inside of a Snickers Xtreme is nothing but an xtreme amount of peanuts and caramel. In order to make room for the xtreme amount of peanuts, the Snickers Xtreme no get nougat, which a regular Snickers has.

Get it? Nougat! No get! Hahahaha! Oh, I think I just caused each my former creative writing professors to die a little inside.

Despite the xtreme amount of peanuts, I thought the Snickers Xtreme didn’t have a strong peanut taste due to it being kind of drowned out by the xtreme amount caramel. Regular Snickers has peanut butter nougat, which probably would’ve helped with the peanut flavor, but it would probably be hard to try and stuff some in the Snickers Xtreme, since doing that is much like trying to put a hat on Donald Trump’s head, because his head is the size of a blimp and his toupee uses its strand to keep hats away.

There really isn’t anything else xtreme about the Snickers Xtreme itself. Its nutritional value is almost the same as a regular Snickers. A regular Snickers has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 140 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 1 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. A Snickers Xtreme has 290 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 110 mg of sodium, 33 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

However, after eating a Snickers Xtreme my life became a little more xtreme. You would think the probability of my life getting more xtreme because of the Snickers Xtreme is about the same probability of having a good time with someone whose number you found in a public restroom, but for a short time the most mundane parts of my life became xtreme.

For example, eating ice cream. After eating the Snickers Xtreme, I wasn’t chowing down on my favorite dairy product with a spoon, instead I took it to the xtreme by eating it with a ladle. My ironing was even taken to the xtreme. I didn’t just iron on my ironing board, I ironed on top of my ironing board, riding it like a surfboard with me ironing my clothes while wearing them.

Now that’s xtreme!

(Editor’s Note: Of course, for more candy reviews go check out Candy Addict, Candy Blog, and Candy Recapper.)

Item: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. More peanuts, if you LOVE peanuts and want to be together through sickness and in health.. Kinda crunchy. Temporarily made mundane parts of my life xtreme. Eating ice cream with a ladle. Xtreme ironing.
Cons: More peanuts, if you’re allergic to peanuts. Despite an xtreme amount of peanuts, it didn’t have a strong peanut taste. No get nougat. Not really more xtreme than regular Snickers. Not being able to do an xtreme dissection. Xcessive use of the word “xtreme” in this review. Donald Trump’s toupee.

Much like birth control, caffeinated products come in many options, its effectiveness varies from product to product, and is frowned upon by some Mormons.

For those who don’t know, I love sweet, sweet caffeine and over the years I’ve tried a variety of items that contain caffeine, like energy drinks, teas, mints, sodas, gum, coffee, pills, and candy. If I used birth control as many times as I do caffeinated products, it would be the equivalent of me getting laid every single night, which of course is the exact opposite of reality because I am totally not too sexy for my shirt.

Like I said in the first sentence, birth control and caffeinated products are very similar. For example, I personally like to think of energy drinks as the caffeinated equivalent of condoms — they are plentiful, come in a variety of styles and colors, and all of them are too small for me.

It’s a daunting task to be standing in front of either a wall of condoms or a full refrigerated case of energy drinks to pick out the one you like. Words like “twisted,” “pleasure,” “flavored,” “extra large,” “ultra thin,” “reservoir end,” “extra-stimulating,” “warming,” and “tropical colored” pop out when faced with a wall of condoms at your local drug store. (If not, you need to go to a better drug store.)

When in front of a wall of energy drinks at your local convenience store, there are also words that pop out at you, like “xtreme,” “energy,” “taurine,” “guarana,” “crammed,” “ginseng,” “juiced,” “double strength,” and “power.”

Both products even have warnings on them. On an energy drink can it says, “Not recommended for children, Richard Simmons, pregnant or nursing women, Charo, those sensitive to caffeine, or Robin Williams.”

On a condom box the warning says, “If used properly, latex condoms may help to reduce the risk of catching or spreading many sexually transmitted diseases and help control the stupid people population (i.e. anyone who has been arrested on the TV show Cops or anyone who has dated a hotel heiress with the last name Hilton), but unfortunately it is not 100 percent effective.”

Recently, I tried the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews and I have to say that these caffeinated chocolates are much like birth control diaphragms — both are chewy, aren’t used by many people, and in order for them to work they need to shoved into a damp orifice.

Each individually-wrapped Buzz Bites piece is square, kinda smells like Cocoa Puffs, and is slightly smaller than a Starburst. Despite it smelling like the chocolatey cereal that makes a bird go cuckoo and young kids everywhere hyperactive due to sugar, its taste didn’t come close to making me go cuckoo. It was actually a lot more bitter than chocolatey or sweet, but I should’ve expected that since it only has three grams of sugar.

However, it did turn me into a slightly hyperactive Richard Simmons thanks to my Bedazzler and the 100 milligrams of caffeine each Buzz Bites has, which is roughly the same amount in a cup of coffee. It’s also got energy-producing B vitamins, ginseng, and taurine, which along with the caffeine probably gives the Buzz Bites its bitter taste.

Overall, the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews may not be the tastiest way to get caffeine, but it’s probably one of the quickest. Now only if there was a chocolate-flavored birth control, it would probably be the tastiest way to prevent me from being some kid’s baby daddy.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sarah at Vroom Foods for sending me a tin of Buzz Bites. She also sent me a tin of Foosh Energy Mints, which I think are much, much better and contain the same amount of caffeine. Also, Candy Addict reviewed the Buzz Bites last year. You can read their review here.)

Item: Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews
Price: FREE (6 pieces)
Purchased at: Received from Vroom Foods (Warning: Loud link)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It did give me an energy pick up. A quick way to get caffeine. One piece has the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. Individually wrapped pieces. Smells chocolatey. Birth control.
Cons: Bitter taste. Only six pieces per tin. The Bedazzler. Stupid people who reproduce. A caffeinated Charo, Robin Williams, or Richard Simmons.

I want to go on record saying that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste is the most Fergalicious-tasting toothpaste EVER.

The Colgate Dora the Explorer Toothpaste has a good fruit flavor and the Kid’s Aquafresh and the Crest Wild Expressions have nice bubblegum flavors, but all of them pale in comparison to the flavor of the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste.

I swear it tasted like candy! If it were a candy, its tart green apple taste would be all right, but since it’s a toothpaste its taste rocks.

It felt like it was made up of nothing but sugar, because it was kind of grainy like some of the whitening toothpastes out there, but I don’t think the graininess did a good job of cleaning my teeth. There was also no foaming action with it, which was surprising.

Its great taste has made me want to brush my teeth more than once a day. If they made a floss that tasted like this, I would definitely be flossing more than the once a year I already do now. If they made a mouthwash that tasted this good, I would be drinking it down hardcore like I was a freshman at a fraternity party.

Although I will admit, it maybe a great tasting toothpaste, but it definitely is the worst cavity preventing toothpaste EVER. Actually, I don’t really think it did any cavity prevention at all. As a matter of fact, I think it did the opposite and I expect my teeth to fall out soon.

But now that I think about it, that would explain why the word “squeez” in its name is missing an “e” at the end of it. I believe the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste used itself to brush itself, which caused the “e” to either fall out or rot away.

Actually, now that I think about it even more, the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste might be helping me prevent cavities by giving me cavities, because if all my teeth rot away, I can’t get cavities on them ever. Plus, if I don’t have teeth, I don’t have to floss. Bonus! It seems like the ultimate cavity protection.

This toothpaste totally blows my mind, even though I found it in the candy section of the convenience store.

Unfortunately, it only comes in a small 1.5-ounce travel size tube, which is small enough to take on a plane without it being confiscated by the TSA, but not big enough for the huge teeth of both actress Julia Roberts and motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

I also wish the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would do a good job of freshening my breath, which would totally make up for the future loss of my teeth. Seriously, how am I going to attract the ladies if I don’t have fresh breath? I don’t have looks, personality, or two eyebrows to make up for it. Sure I could find a woman who is blind, deaf, and lacks the sense of smell, but there aren’t many of them around.

Oh cruel world, where is thy Helen Keller to fill thy empty heart?

The bottom line is that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would probably make a decent candy, but kind of sucks as a toothpaste.

Item: Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It’s Fergalicious-tasting. It tastes like candy. Not too tart. Tube size is perfect for travel.
Cons: Its lack of cavity prevention is a dentist’s nightmare…or dream. Doesn’t freshen breath. No foaming toothpaste action. Grainy texture doesn’t seem to clean teeth. Tube size not big enough for people with big teeth. Found in candy aisle.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is mostly for the dudes out there, but it might have some helpful tidbits for you ladies as well.)

Holy crap! It’s Valentine’s Day and you did absolutely nothing for your woman! All the roses are sold out. Too late to make dinner reservations ANYWHERE! The candy stores are closed. Well don’t fret, homie! The Impulsive Buy has got your back, dawg!

First off, tell your honey to come over to your place at a certain time. Then go buy a couple of bags of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter, about $250 worth of small vanilla-scented candles, some fresh strawberries and grapes, a few mylar heart-shaped balloons, some nice parchment, a calligraphy set, a tiger print loincloth, and the latest issue of GQ magazine.

Some optional things include, condoms, satin sheets, edible water-based lubricant, fuzzy handcuffs, the key to open the handcuffs, a feather, massage oils, Barry White and Marvin Gaye CDs, a paint brush, and the game Twister.

When you have everything, the first thing you should do is make a trail of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter from the front door to the bedroom.

If you live in a dorm room, you’re not going to need many Hershey’s Kisses to lead a woman to your bedroom. If you live in the Playboy Mansion, on the other hand, you also won’t need as many Hershey’s Kisses, because there is a 99 percent chance that a woman is already in your bedroom.

Now when she opens the door, make sure she sees the trail of Hershey’s Kisses. Use a lit candle, a flower, a balloon, or a picture of Brad Pitt to grab her attention toward the trail of chocolatey goodness. Also, leave a note that’s written on nice parchment in calligraphy that says, “The number of Hershey’s Kisses you pick up, will be the number of kisses I’ll give you tonight.”

You don’t have to mean it, but it sounds super romantic.

Since the trail leads to your bedroom, you have to make your room romantic. Since chicks dig candles, place the small vanilla-scented candles all over the room. Unless she’s a pyromaniac, then I’d consider not having any candles, matches, or lighters in your place. I’d also consider unplugging your stove and oven.

The most important thing about the candles is to not light them all. Maybe light about 25 percent of them, because you don’t want a lot of light, you want a little illumination, because it looks more romantic and you’ll have a lot of unused candles, which you can return to the store the next day.

In your bedroom, you should also have a bowl of fresh strawberries and grapes. When she’s in your bedroom, lying next to you, feed her the fruits. You want to make her feel like Cleopatra in one of those Egyptian wall drawings or in one of the many Technicolor films about her life.

Before she arrives, make sure you have your tiger-print loincloth on. It has to be a tiger-print loincloth because what you want to convey to her is that you are an animal. A Spongebob Squarepants loincloth will not work because it will convey that you are an eight-year-old who hasn’t had an erection yet.

The GQ magazine has a double role here. Scan through the magazine and look at all the poses the male models are in and pick one that you like. When your woman enters the room, the pose that you are in should be the pose that you pick.

The other role the GQ magazine plays in this romantic scene is it’s something you can read while you wait for your woman to arrive.

Now when she enters the bedroom, tell her to come closer, and use one of these lines.

1. “These Hershey’s Kisses maybe sweet, but you’re sweeter.”
2. “These Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter may have the winning combination of chocolate and peanut butter, but you and I make an even more winning combination.”
3. “If you think you’ve got a lot of “Kisses” now, come next to me and I’ll give you even more.
4. “I’ve got Hershey’s Kisses all over my body. Why don’t you come here and find them?”

After all of that, she should want to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with you, unless she either thinks you look really silly in that loincloth or she found out about the sexual transmitted diseases you have.

Finally, here’s a little warning for you: DO NOT EAT ANY OF THE HERSHEY’S KISSES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Why?

Because you don’t want peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’.

Also, because the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter are frickin’ addictive. If you eat just one, your romantic trail of chocolaty goodness to your bedroom will disappear. They’re not as good as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but they’re pretty darn close.

So if you follow these steps, you will dodge the last minute Valentine’s Day bullet, get a little sweet, sweet lovin’, and get to pretend you’re Tarzan with your tiger-print loincloth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sasha_Kitty who told me about the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter a few months ago. I would’ve reviewed them sooner, but I didn’t find them until the other week. I will blame this on the fact that I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)

Item: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. The combination of chocolate AND peanut butter. Addictive. Sweet, sweet lovin’.
Cons: Peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’. Being laughed at while wearing a tiger-print loincloth. My lonely Valentine’s Day.

As some of you may know from being long time readers of The Impulsive Buy, I am an awesome kisser.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I remember the first girl I ever kissed. It happened during my senior year in high school and I was seeing a girl who was a junior at a different high school than me. Her name was…

Oh, maybe it would be safe to NOT put her name here. She might deny it if she ever found out I wrote about it.

Anyway, we were lying face to face on the carpet of her family’s living room, just talking about typical high school things. Then she stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. I noticed her look, stopped talking, and then looked deeply into her eyes. She drew her face closer to mine and closed her eyes. My male carnal instincts knew that she wanted to kiss me, so I closed my eyes and drew my lips towards hers. As our lips touched…

What the hell!?! I sound like a trashy romance novel. Blech!

Anyway, we made out for ten minutes. She knew what she was doing, but I didn’t. So when we pulled our lips apart, I looked at her and she looked at me, then I looked at her mouth. You know the term “swapping spit”? Well we did that, but I took it a little too literally.

I either had really overactive saliva glands, thought her mouth was a spittoon, or I was a Pavlonian dog, because there was saliva running down her chin and a shimmering ring of saliva around AND above her lips.

Sadly, that extremely wet, sloppy kiss probably led to her decision to break up with me a week later.

However, after years of training with pillows, my fists, CPR dummies, numerous photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello, I have become an expert kisser. A makeoutologist, if you will.

I now know when to kiss, how much pressure to use, when to use the tongue, when to gently bite her lower lip, when to kiss her on the chin, when to kiss her on the eyelids, when to stick my tongue in her ear, when to suck on her nose, and when to lick her eyebrows.

Don’t believe me? Just watch this video of me making out.

Despite dozens of photos with lips cut out and all my other efforts, I am apparently still not as kissable as the new Hershey’s Kissables, which are candy coated mini chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

What do they have that I don’t have?

Multi-colored candy coatings?

Yeah, that’s great if I wanted to be in a Benetton ad, but I don’t.

Shaped like Hershey’s Kisses?

I hate to say this, but Hershey’s Kisses have always looked like steaming coils of dog poop.

Tasty chocolatey goodness?

If I had some chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over me, I could be tasty chocolatey goodness too.

Seriously, there’s nothing really special about Hershey’s Kissables, because they taste like M&M’s. However, tasting like M&M’s is a good thing, because I love them M&M’s.

If you hate M&M’s then you probably won’t like these, and you probably hate puppies and kitten too.

(Editor’s Note: Check out Cybele’s Candy Blog for another review. Go read TG’s take on Hershey’s Kissables. Finally, The Message Whore also reviewed them, but I can’t find the review due to his server crashing, but go show LordJezo some love.)

Item: Hershey’s Kissables
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty chocolatey goodness. Tastes like M&M’s. Colorful like a Benetton ad. I’m a makeoutologist.
Cons: My first kiss. Hershey’s Kisses look like coils of dog poop. I might have overactive saliva glands. My ability to write love scenes for trashy romance novels.

There probably have been thousands of ideas in the history of ideas that have looked good on paper, but in the end never really turned out to be very good. For example, dnL, Cowboy Troy, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. All of those things pretty much also sucked on paper. But you get the idea.

Now we can add the new Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel to the list. Usually, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have the ability to make women orgasm more quickly than any man (Or woman. Or vibrating object. Or picture of Brad Pitt.) could.

However, after eating a couple packs of this new Reese’s variation, I can safely say that women will not orgasm after eating it, because the caramel is apparently a culinary cock block.

I really like caramel. I like them on apples. I like them in Twix. I like Eva Longoria.

But the caramel in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel seemed to overpower the flavor of the peanut butter.

It’s kind of like how Star Jones sometimes overpowers the rest women on The View, not only because she’s loud and obnoxious, but also because I think the other women are afraid to say anything because Star might eat them.

There’s a reason why Barbara Walters doesn’t sit next to her, and that reason is…Appetizer.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel were good, but the caramel made the peanut butter cups a little too sweet for my tastes. It also made the peanut butter cups is a little too unstable for my tastes.

With normal Reese’s, the top and bottom are pretty firm when you pinch them. However, because the caramel, which is underneath the peanut butter, has more of a liquid consistency than peanut butter, the chocolate at bottom of each peanut butter cup is kind of soft, which could easily crack, cause a gooey caramel-ly mess, and make you more edible for Star Jones.

Item: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel
Purchase Price: 53 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not as good as the original. Eva Longoria. Caramel apples.
Cons: Star Jones. Caramel dominated the peanut butter flavor, making it a little too sweet. Caramel on the bottom makes the peanut butter cup less stable. Using the word “because” three times in a sentence. Star Jones when she’s hungry.

Kit Kat, because of its four chocolate covered wafer fingers, is the perfect candy for sharing, making fake walrus teeth with, and always comes in handy if you’re being attacked by Star Jones Reynolds.

However, with this Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, I don’t want to share them. As a matter of fact, if Star Jones Reynolds did attack me, instead of using the Coffee Kit Kat to lure her away, I’d just let her maul me and then when she’s not looking, I’ll chop off whatever limb she’s gnawing on and run/hop away to safety.

I don’t feel like sharing the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat because:

1. They’re damn good.
2. They’re limited edition
3. I’m a greedy asshole.
4. They’re my precious. MY PRECIOUS!!!

I was surprised that I really liked the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, because I don’t like drinking coffee at all. For some reason, coffee doesn’t agree with me.

Whenever I try coffee or anything from Starbucks, my stomach turns, like when I smell Britney Spears’ perfume Curious, which has a product description that goes like this, “Britney Spears personifies daring and piques the curiosity of young women everywhere. Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”

(Pause for dry heaving)

I’m sorry for the dry heaving. Apparently, I not only get nauseous from smelling crap, I also get nauseous from reading crap.

Anyway, the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat is damn good, it has a nice coffee taste and smell that’s not too strong, unlike the amount of perfume on most strippers.

I was not only surprised by the great coffee taste, I was also surprised that I found a variation of a candy bar that I liked just as much as the original. It seems like candy companies are constantly trying different things to tweak their candy.

For example, the Kit Kat Extra Creamy, which I had a few months ago, was totally lame, because it didn’t change the taste of the Kit Kat. It changed only the texture and it didn’t change it significantly. It’s like if Michael Jackson had plastic surgery today, it won’t make much of a difference, because he’s had so much plastic surgery.

In reality, I think the only plastic surgery left that he can get done is getting breast implants.

But even then, no matter how much plastic surgery he has, Jacko will still be the ghostly pale freak that moonwalks and will still be less brown than the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat.

(Editor’s Note: Um…You know this month’s prize drawing? Well, there was supposed to be FOUR winners, but I only pulled THREE. After a little more pulling, I now have the fourth winner. Congratulations, Nat!)

(Editor’s Note #2: For more candy reviews that will make Hansel and Gretel jealous, go visit Cybele at the Candy Blog.)

Item: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice strong coffee taste, but not too strong. Just as good as the original Kit Kat.
Cons: Limited edition. Might turn you into a greedy prick. The description of Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious. Being mauled by Star Jones Reynolds.