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REVIEW: Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road Bar

Written by | February 24, 2014

Topics: 8 Rating, Candy, Snickers

Snickers Rockin' Nut Road Bar

STOP! Put your hand down. Just…put it down. That’s right. I know you want the regular Snickers. It’s tempting. Chocolate shell, gooey caramel, chunky peanuts. I get it. It’s enough to turn the most depressed, calloused pick-ax-yielder into a skipping, self-expressive frolicker who makes dainty floral arrangements. The magic that is chocolate, caramel, and peanut-y goo knows no bounds.

At the same time, such magic can become slightly dulled, jaded by the soft familiarity of repetition and safety. No shame in going the safe route with a Snickers, but if you’re looking to add a little depth to your chocolate, a little vanilla to your nougat, a little metaphorical fabric softener to what may otherwise be a stiff Snickers routine, then may I present to you a source of salvation in the form of a 1.73-ounce bar.

Snickers Rockin' Nut Road Bar Gooey fluffy goo yum

Watch as it draws you in like a hungry piñata craving candy for its belly.

Immediately upon opening the wrapper, one can tell this is the stuff of alchemy, the product of some wizard and his highly skilled protégé. Just look at that semisweet chocolate. That gooey caramel. Heck, if you crunch at just the right angle, you can hear the magical wizard dust talking to you, which, now that I think on it, brings up an abundance of questions: When did wizard dust gain the evolutionary skills to perform linguistic communication? And how did said talking dust particles survive being compressed into a bar? Are they indestructible? Does this mean they will outlast the human species?? How can I leave behind a positive legacy before I rot and decay and get replaced by magical wizard dust??!

After getting all anxious about my mortality, I realize I never would’ve contemplated looking for more ways to act positively today had it not been for eating this bar, so thank you, Snickers, for sponsoring this brief philosophical tangent.

Snickers Rockin' Nut Road Bar Yum yum yum

The Snickers’ dashing good looks graciously transfer themselves over to the flavor. The crispy, semisweet chocolate shell holds a sweet, gritty melt with a hint of coffee, making for an experience that reminds me of Dove Dark Chocolate squares without the inspirational quotes. The original malt nougat has been replaced with a fluff of starch-white vanilla fluff. The taste is outright sweet with hints of vanilla extract popping through each bite, adding a surprising sparkle to the darker chocolate much like a firework. But without a fuse. Or fire hazards. Or charcoal-enhanced lighting patterns in the sky. Okay, so maybe nothing like a firework.

The caramel is the only element that seems to have directly transferred itself from the original, and it is a welcome element, indeed. Thankfully, it remains the sweet, stringy goo of the original, making for an excellent canal upon which to hold nubbins of nuts, and like a good pair of cufflinks, those nuts add the perfect finishing touch. In this case, the peanuts have been replaced by almonds, which are fresh and slightly toasted, add a hint of woodsy saltiness alongside the signature crunch called forth for any Snickers experience. The power of these disparate elements unite to form a mishmash that is Rocky Road Ice Cream in candy bar form, a combination so good that it’s… it’s…

(Wants to say something in French, but realizes she doesn’t speak French)…

C’est manifique?! Oui! Bonjour!

Snickers Rockin' Nut Road Bar Satisfies indeed

If candy bars were Las Vegas entertainers, Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road would be David Copperfield: blending the whacky pops and sparkles of a sugary sweet, slightly buttery caramel with crunchy almond nibbles and a semisweet chocolate to make something pretty spectacular. Add to that a fluffy, marshmallow-like nougat and you’ve got all of these sleight of hands and daft illusions that make for a unique, successful endgame. Look out, David Copperfield. You’ve got some competition.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 230 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, less than 2 grams of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road Bar
Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: 1.73 ounces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy outer shell. Chocolate similar to Dove dark chocolate. Marshmallow nougat. Pops of sweet vanilla. Crunchy, toasty almond halves. Rocky Road in candy bar form. Reasons to fill hungry piñatas. David Copperfield’s got competition.
Cons: Limited time only. Some may not like artificial vanilla. Slivered almonds not as chunky as peanuts. Sad, calloused pick-ax-wielders. Talking wizard dust that plan to take over the world.

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REVIEW: Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar

Written by | April 18, 2012

Topics: 8 Rating, Candy, Snickers

Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar

Somebody or something must have pissed off the person who created the packaging for Snickers 3X Chocolate. I imagine this individual must have found out that he is the victim of an adulterous relationship involving a baboon infected with Ebola, he lost his music library because the hard drive crashed and his DVR taped Housewives of Karadashianville instead of the latest Parks and Recreation all on the same day. How else to explain it?

This wrapper is more obnoxious than that Mad Money bald guy on CNBC that just screams at me for how stupid I am for not buying low and selling high. I admit it. I am stupid for not buying Apple stock!!! Are you happy? I know I’m a disappointment to my family. Yes, it’s called self-medication, I prefer it to self-flagellation!!

(Swallows some Johnnie Walker Double Black)

Snickers 3X Chocolate Save for Later

First, the package is a hideous blue with “Snickers 3X Chocolate” in a bold logo. Next to the words is “2 TO GO” in a red stripe that leads you to the words “Twist to close”. Before I can even open the damn thing, the package reminds me, or rather scolds “Save One for Later”. Eff you stupidhead, I’m gonna eat both.

In the rare times when I want a candy bar, I definitely do not want one that nags the piss out of me. Geeze, my ego can only take so much before I feel insecure and turn to a rerun of the “Facts of Life” for comfort.

Speaking of comfort, I walked into my usual convenience store. I was hoping to find those fabled 7-Eleven banh mi sandwiches a few of my friends have run into there. If Vietnamese sandwiches from a gas station sound disgusting, they probably are. Anyone who has scarfed down a Cuban breakfast grill sandwich from this place knows what hell they are bringing themselves to.

Looking in vain, I sadly went down the candy aisle toward the exit. Then a blue candy bar caught my attention. How can it not with all of its obnoxious writing? Snickers 3X Chocolate?! As humans we sure love numbers: twice as hard, five times likely, a guaranteed three times the increase, twenty five-hundred times the absorbing rate. Vague claims but, in a Pavlovian manner, we just nod and agree it is twice or five times the whatever.

Refreshingly the 3X does make sense here. It refers to the 3 times chocolate, so congratulations to all of you who have a chocolate fetish.

The bar is made of milk chocolate with chocolate caramel and chocolate flavored nougat. That’s a lot of damned chocolate! And of course there are the obligatory peanuts Snickers is known for. This Snickers aims to not only satisfy your hunger but to also satiate those who need to have as much freaking chocolate in their life as possible.

Snickers 3X Chocolate Single Bar

Upon opening the package, you get two dense and heavy chocolate bars that are each about two and a half inches long. They have the heft of one of those old cell phones with the flimsy retractable antenna. My wife dismissed it and continued drinking her cherry Slurpee spiked with Bacardi which makes for a quickie solution if you want a “cruise shippy” drink.

Snickers 3X Chocolate Closeup

Lucky for us, the person who designed the ugly wrapper probably had little to do with the candy bar itself. The chocolate bar is indeed dense and tightly packed. I was amused when I sliced it in pieces as it resembled those educational diagrams demonstrating what is under our feet. You know the ones that look like a layer cake: first the grass, followed by the soil, then a billion old Atari 2600 cartridges buried during the video game glut, some bedrock, and finally the magma. I was concerned the bar would be tough to bite into it. However, the bar had a soft give which was nice.

I immediately tasted the roasted nuttiness from the peanuts which is the best thing to me about Snickers. The milk chocolate shell of the bar is not waxy like cheapo chocolate, rather it’s very milky and flavorful. Surprisingly, the chocolate caramel is rich but doesn’t overwhelm the peanuts. Then like the ending to most of Dolph Lundgren’s movies, I was left feeling a tiny bit disappointed. The fluffy chocolate nougat is too sweet for my liking and leaves a slight unpleasant aftertaste.

With that said, while it may sound like there is too much chocolate, Snickers 3X Chocolate works. Neither component takes over strongly even with the overly sweet nougat. You can still taste the caramel and peanuts. I like the bar enough to buy it again but if given a choice, between Snickers or its amped up chocolate cousin…I would go with the original because of the chocolate nougat.

I believe you should be able to find this at most convenience stores. It is definitely worth a try if you can get through the bitchy wrapper. If anything, you’re probably safer sticking with this than a cultural sandwich exchange from a gas station.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 210 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Other Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar
Chocolate Mission

Item: Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar
Price: $1.29
Size: 3.14 oz package (contains two heavy bars)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven that has thoughtful, if not tasty, international tinged sandwiches
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate is very milky and smooth. Ron F’n Swanson. The peanuts bring the entire bar together. No flavor overwhelms each other and works together nicely. It still satisfies and if you love everything chocolate, you can happily die now. Atari 2600 graphics. The ending to Showdown in Little Tokyo.
Cons: The chocolate nougat is a little too sweet and it leaves a bleh aftertaste. Mad Money Jim Cramer. Packaging that treats me like an imbecile. Eating both bars is 18 grams of fat, 18 grams of fat! Blowing in cartridges to get them to work. The ending to I Come in Peace (“…and you go in pieces”).

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