When I think of the most influential food and beverage spokespersons, the Jolly Green Giant falls somewhere between a mild-mannered if not over-the-hill personality like the Quaker Oats guy and…wait..was that the bad guy in Jack and the Beanstalk?

Needless to say, the Jolly Green Giant’s effectiveness in introducing children to the merits of a high-fiber, omnivorous diet have been negligible. I guess he lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. But it’s not all his fault. The Jolly Green Giant just doesn’t have as much to work with.

Even so, you can’t blame it all on frozen peas alone. It’s not like his image inspires confidence. I mean, if the diet he’s pushing means sprouting into a nine-foot tall, green freak of nature whose wardrobe consist only of a toga made out of leafs, then I am never, never eating anything natural again. I tend to think most kids with a vegetable aversion would feel the same.

The new Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips and Sea Salt Multigrain Sweet Potato Chips are the Jolly Green Giant’s attempts to make kids (and adults) eat their veggies. Neither, as of yet, has a taco named in honor of them, and judging from their only ho-hum taste, I think we’re safe from a Green Giant/Taco Bell collaboration for now.

Not that either flavor is horrible. One’s actually pretty good.

First up is the Sea Salt Sweet Potato chips, which have a Sun Chip feel going for them, minus the typical Sun Chips ridges. They have a decent sweet potato flavor – less flavor than Utz’s Sweet Potato Chips but more than Garden of Eatin’s Sweet Potato Tortilla chips — and get a thumbs up for a non-cloying whole grain sweetness. But while the initial flavor is mellow and wholesome, there’s something off-putting on the backend.

At first, after shoving a bunch of the chips in my mouth, I didn’t notice it. But for a few of the apparently more under-seasoned chips there is definitely an almost hempy whole grain aftertaste that’s bitter and a little repulsive. Thankfully it didn’t seem to linger too long, but I can’t see it doing much for parents trying to get their kids to like vegetables. In any case, the chips are undersalted as a batch, and don’t take advantage of the kind of spices that make the luxurious, but useful sweet potatoes the Ferrari of the vegetable world. (By the way, turnips are the Ford Windstar minivan of the vegetable world.)

The Zesty Cheddar Roasted Vegetable Chips are better. Instead of looking like Sun Chips, these have an almost Doritos-like quality to them, complete with a chemical-lab inspiring orange hue of seasoning powder that, thanks to their lickable quality and my habit of multitasking, has now made its way into every crevasse of my computer’s keyboard.

The price I pay for you people.

The crunch is a bit lighter than Doritos, but the seasoning powder gives the chip a tasty spectrum of sweet, salty, and a complex roasted flavor that reminds me a bit of Garden Salsa Sun Chips. It’s none too piquant, but I didn’t exactly expect that. I did enjoy the caramelized and hearty back notes that seemed to mirror the taste one might get from a long-simmered tortilla soup. The only downside is that long list of ingredients, which contains two separate references to partially hydrogenated oil, still doesn’t add enough of a noticeable cheddar flavor.

Even though the Sweet Potato Chips weren’t horrible and the Roasted Vegetable Chips were pretty good, I can’t see the chips doing much for the Green Giant’s street cred. I mean sure, eating them will dispel the myth that you yourself could end up a nine-foot tall chlorophyll-addict, but the flavors just don’t stack up when compared to Sun Chips or Doritos. So unless the Jolly Green Giant has got a backup plan for ice cream or pizza, then I don’t think the cause of converting kids to vegetables will be advancing very far under his guidance anytime soon.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Multigrain Sweet Potato with Sea Salt – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Green Giant Chip reviews:
I Ate A Pie

Item: Green Giant Sea Salt Mulitgrain Sweet Potato Chips & Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 5 oz. bags
Purchased at: Weis Markets
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Sweet Potato Multigrain with Sea Salt)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla)
Pros: 30-40 percent less fat than standard potato chips. Whole grains and vegetables. Multigrain Sweet Potato chips have decent sweet potato flavor. Roasted Veggie chips actually taste like roasted veggies but look like Doritos. Not getting my hopes up to inevitably be let down by a taco flavor inspired by the chips.
Cons: Weird, hempy aftertaste in the Sweet Potato chips. Needs more salt. Roasted Veggies chips lack hearty crunch. Partially hydrogenated oils. Not as good as Doritos or Sun Chips.

If you’re bored right now, there’s something I’d like you to do. Go to your nearest Taco Bell to pick up Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos, then go to a store to buy the Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch flavors of the Limited Edition Doritos Locos Tacos Tortilla Chips, then slide some of the chips into the tacos, and then let your mind be blown by the fact that you’ve just put chips that are supposed to taste like Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos into a Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco.

Inchiption!

(searches internet)

Argh! Someone beat me to Inchiption!

The Doritos Locos Tacos Tortilla Chips are similar to what Doritos did with their discontinued Collisions line, taking two flavors and putting them in one bag. In this case, they paired Crunchy Taco Doritos with either Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Doritos. In the Frito-Lay press release, they are known as, DLT Nacho Cheese and Crunchy Taco and DLT Cool Ranch and Crunchy Taco.

So in order to get the desired flavor, you’re going to have to eat two different chips at the same time. Or bite one Taco Doritos and then take a bite of the other flavor. Or crush the contents of the bag into little pieces, shake the bag, pour the broken chips into a bowl, and eat them with a spoon.

It sounds simple, but if you pick option one or two there’s a slight problem. Parent Trap. Or Chiparent Trap. Just like the twins in the movie Parent Trap, it’s hard to tell the two flavors apart, especially when looking into the bag. There were numerous occasions when I thought I pulled out a Nacho Cheese Doritos, but it ended up being the taco-flavored one, and visa versa.

Whenever I was able to get both flavors into my mouth at the same time, by using all my strength to crush the chips, I think I persuaded my taste buds to believe I went to Taco Bell to Live Más. Each bag’s two flavors are equally balanced, but the taco seasoning tends to linger in the mouth longer. They’re both quite tasty and as addictive as Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Doritos. Of course, the chips don’t have the nuances of the actual tacos, like the lettuce that always falls out or the ground beef grease that soaks through the taco shell.

But overall I think both Doritos Locos Tacos Tortilla Chip varieties did the actual tacos justice, although I have to admit that these chips have more flavor than the tacos they try to recreate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Nacho Cheese – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Cool Ranch – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Frito-Lay Doritos Locos Tacos Tortilla Chips (Nacho Cheese & Cool Ranch)
Purchased Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 11 oz. bags
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Nacho Cheese)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Cool Ranch)
Pros: Did the actual Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos justice. Have more flavor than the actual tacos. As addictive as Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos. Wonderfully crunchy. Not the first Taco Bell labeled Doritos.
Cons: Makes your fingers messy. Hard to tell apart the two flavors in each bag. MSG-haters will not like. Not being first to use Inchiption. Trying to stuff two chips into your mouth at the same time.

It’s surprising Katy Perry’s likeness isn’t printed on every bag of her Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips. I’m also stunned Popchips didn’t name the chips Katy’s Kettle Korn, which would’ve created a wonderful visual alliteratio…oh wait, KKK. Never mind.

I’ll never know why Popchips and/or Katy Perry decided to leave Ms. Perry’s curvy body off the bag, but I wish it was on there because I really need a visual palate cleaner, if you will, to remove the image in my head of Larry the Cable Guy’s curvy body on his chip bags.

The list of ingredients that make up Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips are as simple as the lyrics to Perry’s “California Gurls.” But instead of lots oooooh oh ooooohs, these chips are made of whole grain corn; sunflower, safflower and or canola oil; sugar; salt; and natural flavors.

However, while California Gurl’s hooks are catchy, will forever take up some gray matter in my head, and will occasionally come out of my mouth while washing a car, I can’t say the same about the flavor of Ms. Perry’s Popchips.

Well, actually, there is a memorable moment, but it’s fleeting. It starts once I put one of these chips in my mouth and ends by the second or third chew. What I experience during these milliseconds is a pleasing mostly sweet and slightly salty fusion. However, that flavor quickly dissipates and my taste buds are left with a rice cake-like blandness that makes them feel like they’re on a flavor roller coaster and also wonder, “Is Popchips trying to trick us into a diet?”

Yes, basically, much like Ms. Perry’s marriage to Russell Brand, the flavor ended quickly.

Also, these kettle corn-flavored Popchips don’t appear to be as appetizing as Popchips’ potato and tortilla varieties. They look like…um, how can I say this using a reference from the 1980s that’ll force some of you to use Google, Wikipedia, or IMDB to know what I’m writing about? Oh, I know. They have a texture that’s much like the skin of Alex’s navigator, Grig, in The Last Starfighter.

However, these chips do have a hearty crunch to them. So if you’re one of those people who likes to annoy others by chewing with your mouth open, these chips will help boost the sound of your masticating. They also have no preservatives, artificial flavors, or artificial colors. So if you’re one of those people who likes to annoy others by being smug about the all-natural foods you eat, these chips will help boost your pontificating.

Overall, I guess you could say I didn’t like Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips as much as Ms. Perry liked kissing a girl.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams/about 16 chips – 130 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Chip Review

Item: Katy’s Kettle Corn Popchips
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 3.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant sweet and salty flavor. All-natural. No saturated or trans fat. Great crunch. The way Popchips are made. The Last Starfighter.
Cons: Sweet and salty flavor doesn’t last long. Doesn’t look as appetizing as other varieties of Popchips. Not having a Last Starfighter sequel when the movie totally set one up.

I’ll tell you what I like about living in the 21st century. I mean besides the whole finding cures for terrible diseases and having a lot of great shows on Netflix.

What I like are the rabbit holes.

Just recently I fell down a rabbit hole when I watched the episode of Family Matters where Urkelbot first appeared. I wanted to know who was playing the robot. Who wouldn’t? It was Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers from the 1984 movie Breakin’. From there I stumbled into Electric Boogaloo, then Cannon Films, then New Line Cinema, then the House Party Trilogy. Needless to say I watched all those movies and now own the discographies of both Kid ‘n Play and Tony! Toni! Toné!.

The internet is great.

This review led me down the path of food mascots, and eventually to food mascots that had their own video games. The 80s and early 90s were a magical time, you guys. I feel like branding and marketing was in its golden age then. It was the perfect nexus of junk food, fast food, video games and the cartoon arts.

How else can you explain the fact that Chester Cheetah had not one, but two video games? I knew he had one, but was surprised to find that 1992’s seminal Too Cool to Fool spawned a sequel called Wild Wild Quest. I want to live in the time when that was possible.

Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald and the Noid both had a pair of digital adventures, and who could forget Kool-Aid Man’s eponymous Atari 2600 classic.

Not impressed? The 7-Up Spot had three games! Three! He was huge in the 90s! Wonder what he’s doing now. Probably directing.

But my favorite of all food mascot video games, and sneaking in just before the dawn of the millennium, was the Japanese release of Pepsiman for the original Playstation, starring none other than Pepsi Japan’s thirst-quenching superhero, Pepsiman. I had no idea that Pepsiman existed, and I feel like I missed out. He looks awesome! Equal parts Silver Surfer and Generation Next, if he commanded me to drink Pepsi, you bet your sweet sugar syrup I would. Needless to say, I’m marginally obsessed and want to eBay everything I can get my hands on. Sidebar: I love the bottle caps Japan does with the little figures on top? Why don’t we do that in the states?

Anyway, until my Pepsiman collection is complete, Chester Cheetah and this bag of Cheeseburger Cheetos will have to do.

This variety is the newest limited edition from Frito-Lay Japan. I find it exciting, as I’ve never tried a Cheetos variant that wasn’t just a new level of spice with a new corresponding color of red.

Realistically, cheeseburger flavor is always a problematic endeavor. What does “cheeseburger” mean? Does it mean beef and cheese? Beef, cheese, and bun? Beef, cheese, bun, lettuce, tomato, onion, and relish as the photo on the bag suggests? You get the idea. It’s downright philosophical really.

And speaking of the bag, I’m saddened Chester has been relegated to the back. He needs to get in touch with Spot’s representation.

The nosegrope is unusual. It’s a weird blend of pickles, mustard, and, of all things, rye bread.

The flavor is an equally unusual blend of rye bread, cheese, pickles, mustard, and onion.

If that’s not helpful, I can pinpoint the flavor exactly. You know how you buy a McDonalds cheeseburger and it’s all delicious and wonderful? Have you ever purchased too many and put one in the fridge? These Cheetos taste like a day old, refrigerated then microwaved McDonalds cheeseburger. I don’t know if that’s what they were going for, but they nailed it. Seriously, it’s uncanny.

The flavor is bizarre but it sort of works. These are maybe the most interesting Japanese snack I’ve had. I don’t know if I love them, but I am definitely intrigued by them. I always recommend picking up Japanese snacks for fun, but you really do have to try these.

Besides Chester could use the scratch. He’s on the back of the bag, and he’s not getting a third game any time soon.

(Nutrition Facts – 448 calories, 25.7 grams of fat, 579 milligrams of sodium, 49.6 grams of carbohydrates, 4.6 grams of protein.)

Other Cheeseburger Cheetos reviews:
Grocery Gems

Item: Cheeseburger Cheetos (Japan)
Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 83 grams
Purchased at: NapaJapan
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Scarily accurate and possibly unintentional flavor recreation. Pepsiman. Cheeseburger philosophy. Non-spicy Cheetos variants.
Cons: Lingering aftertaste.

It’s fair to say I’m not the healthiest eater, a regrettable side effect of unrelenting stubbornness meeting finicky taste buds. As a result, I’m even more desperate than most people for reasonably healthy food that actually tastes good. And man cannot live on Pirate’s Booty alone, so when SunChips’ new Sweet & Spicy BBQ flavor hit grocery store shelves, I was all over that like, well, me on frozen yogurt.

The front of the bag really tries to sell you on the complexity of the tastes you’ll soon be mouthfeeling, showing the chips leaning against a dipping bowl of barbecue sauce, alongside chili peppers and that weird utensil that seems to be used exclusively to drip honey. (Or “hunny,” if you’re a silly ol’ bear.) It’s an intriguing montage that creates the expectation of a great pairing, like brownies and ice cream or Spider-Man and Optimus Prime.

In keeping with the health-conscious branding of SunChips, the label reminds you that they’re multigrain and a stamp emphasizes the all-natural ingredients and lack of MSG, preservatives, and artificial flavors. No complaints from me — their marketing strategy has always revolved around being healthier than the competition (30% less fat than regular potato chips, apparently), and you’ve gotta dance with the one who brought you.

The back further expands on the flavor explosion you’re apparently about to experience. It promises “a bold and unforgettable taste” that will “start the sweetest, sauciest fire in your mouth,” which hopefully is an exaggeration because hey, SunChips… flattered, even curious, but married. It also encourages you to check out their Facebook page, being updated by some eager, unpaid intern even as we speak. Yes, this is why you went to Brown for four years, Sarah. Working your way up!

But enough talk! Let’s talk about the actual chips themselves. Opening the bag releases a pleasing smell, like a somewhat muted aroma of barbecued ribs or chicken. It’s enjoyable without being overpowering, even if you stick your nose in the bag, although why would you do that unless you’re a weirdo food reviewer? In terms of appearance, you’ve seen SunChips before; these look identical except for a slightly darker, more orange shade than the plain variety. Given their focus on all natural ingredients, I’m assuming that is genuinely due to the barbecue coating, not just food coloring to differentiate them in your mental food rolodex.

With respect to texture, they’re definitely crunchy — if you’ve never had a SunChip of any kind before, basically they feel just like any regular potato chip, possibly even slightly crunchier. But ultimately that doesn’t matter a whit if they taste terrible, now does it? Well, the good news is, they don’t taste terrible; in fact, they’re pretty darn good. The sweetness comes through loud and clear, more like molasses than super sugary, although it doesn’t linger for long. Still, I have a hard time imagining many people disliking the taste, even if it doesn’t absolutely blow you away.

However, I do have a bone to pick, which is simply this: I have tasted spicy before. I know from spicy. And this, my friends, is not spicy. Remember that business about the bold and unforgettable taste? I can’t give it the response it deserves, but suffice to say in gentleman’s terms, that’s a crock of horseshit.

This is as edgy and in-your-face as men piercing their ears nowadays: it still might slightly intimidate young kids, but nobody else is going to be impressed. (And yes, I had three piercings in college. Swimmers are pretty hardcore, you know.) The heat is conspicuously absent, and while I’m not looking to scorch my lips off, the word “spicy” evokes certain expectations that are simply not met. Compared to the sweetness, the spice is like unto a phantom flavor, evident in some pale shade but so insubstantial as to make you question your senses. And that’s the last time I read M. R. James before writing a review.

(Full disclosure: while the upper chips in the bag were almost entirely devoid of heat, around the halfway mark there started to be a tiny bit, presumably due to the spices settling downward. Still not much, but it at least approaches the heat of a typical “mild” flavor.)

Even without more spice, this is still a good flavor that I have no trouble recommending; it’s just that it could have been even better if the spice were commensurate with the sweetness. I don’t know if that would have made them less healthy or if artificial flavors are needed to really crank it up to 11, but it’s a missed opportunity. Even so, try not to let these slip away without giving them a shot; they might not knock your socks off, but they are good.

(Nutrition Facts — 1 oz (28g/about 15 chips) — 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Sun Chips Sweet & Spicy BBQ Flavored Chips reviews:
Chip Review

Item: SunChips Sweet & Spicy BBQ Flavored Multigrain Snacks
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: If you’re going to eat chips, these are among the least ass-fattening. Barbeque smell. Good texture. Effective degree of sweetness without being overly sugary. Spider-Man and Optimus Prime: great team-up, or the greatest team-up?
Cons: An Ivy League English degree is still useless. Misleading ad copy. As much heat as Hayden Christensen/Natalie Portman. Letting someone see you sticking your nose in a bag of chips.

Of the three Lay’s Do Us a Flavor finalists, Chicken & Waffles sounds weird, Sriracha sounds exotic, and Cheesy Garlic Bread sounds…boring?

Well, compared to the other two, they’re definitely as boring as your sister’s diary with empty pages. But “boring” isn’t really the word I’m looking for.

Oh, I know. Perhaps the best word to describe this cheesy and garlicky chip is “safe.”

It’s the flavor that sounds as if it’s the least likeliest to make your taste buds go, “WTF!” It’s also a flavor you wouldn’t be embarrassed to take home and introduce your mother to. So if your taste buds aren’t adventurous, then Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips are for you.

Karen Weber-Mendham from Land O’ Lakes, Wisconsin suggested Lay’s make cheesy garlic bread-flavored potato chips, and they did. I guess if someone were to suggest a cheesy chip, it would be someone from Wisconsin.

On the back of the Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips bag, it has a quote from Karen about what inspired her to suggest this flavor.

“You’re at your favorite Italian restaurant, you’re starving & WAITING FOREVER. Finally, the breadsticks come and they save your life!”

Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Kaaareeen. WAITING FOREVER? There’s a simple solution to ensure you never have to wait forever.

When the waiter/waitress passes by, raise your hand to get their attention, ask them for bread, then tell him or her if they bring it over within the next two minutes there’s an extra 10 dollars in their future, and then start counting out loud. Or if you want to take the low road, you could type out a negative review on your smartphone using the Yelp app, ask for the manager, and when the manager shows up, threaten to post your negative Yelp review if you don’t get some damn bread in front of you.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this review, the best word to describe the Lay’s Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips is “safe.” Another reason why I consider them to be “safe” is because they have enough garlic flavor that I think eating them will keep me safe from vampires. There was also a strong garlic aroma that wafted out of the bag after I opened it, so if I was a vampire, I would’ve covered my face with my cape and run away yelling, “Bleh! Bleh!”

Oh, but it’s not only the garlic that attacked my taste buds, it’s also the dairy. The number of cheeses found on this chip would impress a Hickory Farms. It’s got cheddar, parmesan, swiss, monterey jack, and gouda. The chips are also flavored with cream and butter.

Because these chips are heavy on the garlic and cheese, I adore them. But it’s not only the garlic and cheese that make these chips taste so wonderful, it’s also the buttery and slight herby flavors. And by bringing together all these different seasonings, I think the crazy food scientists over at Lay’s have created a complex flavor that tastes very much like cheesy garlic bread and made me wish I had some pasta to eat it with.

(Editor’s Note: We reviewed the other two Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists. Click here for the Chicken & Waffles flavor and click here for the Sriracha flavor.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 oz./about 17 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Lay’s Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chip reviews:
Chip Review
Junk Food Guy
Fatguy Food Blog

Item: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Cheesy Garlic Bread Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $4.29 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful garlicky and cheesy flavor. Tastes like cheesy garlic bread. May keep you safe from vampires. The power of Yelp.
Cons: Boring flavor compared to other Do Us a Flavor finalists, Sriracha and Chicken & Waffles. Vampires will not enjoy it. Not getting bread at your table in a timely manner. The power of Yelp.

Sriracha is a Thai hot sauce, but also sounds like it would make a great name for a pet snake or venereal disease.

Here in the United States, many of us think of sriracha as the rooster sauce with the green cap. Some of us also call the spicy red condiment from Huy Fong Foods “cock sauce” with heavy emphasis on the “cock” and followed by giggling.

But as I have learned from some readers (and Wikipedia), sriracha isn’t only the sauce from Huy Fong Foods. Traditional Thai sriracha is usually milder and sweeter, and the companies that make them are probably glad their product isn’t called “cock sauce.”

Sriracha has seen a rise in popularity over the past few years thanks to Bon Appétit magazine calling it 2010′s Ingredient of the Year, a web comic by The Oatmeal, and the need to make bad pho broth taste better. The bottle of Huy Fong Foods’ sriracha sauce suggests putting sriracha on pasta, pizza, hot dogs, and hamburgers. And Tyler Raineri from Lake Zurich, Illinois suggested to Lay’s that they put in on a potato chip…and they did.

In order to find out how much Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips taste like sriracha, I had to go in search of a bottle of sriracha. Since the Thai restaurant down the street probably wouldn’t appreciate me stealing a bottle from one of their tables, I ended up at the Asian Foods section at Safeway and purchased a bottle Huy Fong Foods sriracha sauce, along with a bag of regular Lay’s chips to try them with.

The Lay’s Sriracha Potato Chips have a slight orange hue that’s not as menacing as the bright red color of the sauce, but they do make the deep fried potato slices look cheesy. Speaking of cheese, there are three of them listed in the ingredients list — cream cheese, cheddar cheese, and Swiss cheese.

Are the chips cheesy?

No, not really, but after trying sriracha-drizzled potato chips, I also wouldn’t consider them to be Huy Fong Foods sriracha-y. Instead Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips taste (and smell) more like another popular hot sauce — Tabasco.

Weird, right?

Even though they taste Tabasco-flavored, these chips are addictive. They have a slight sweetness and a nice spicy kick at the back end, and the amount of heat is almost comparable to actual rooster sauce. Also, the seasoning sticks to your fingers, so when you’re done eating, you’ll have a spicy treat after.

Overall, the Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips are very good, but, unfortunately, they didn’t get the flavor right. Tyler Raineri from Lake Zurich, Illinois should be mad about that.

(Editor’s Note: We reviewed the other two Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists. Click here for the Chicken & Waffles flavor and click here for the Cheesy Garlic Bread flavor.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 17 chips – 150 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of sodium, 320 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Lay’s Sriracha Potato Chips reviews:
Snort Ramen
Yum Sugar

Item: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Sriracha Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $4.29 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Addictive flavor. Nice spicy kick. Sriracha would be a great name for a snake. The Oatmeal. Good pho.
Cons: Tastes more like Tabasco. Orange hue not menacing enough. Having an 8th grade sense of humor. Stealing bottled condiments from Thai restaurants. Bad pho.

I was pretty stoked when Lay’s first introduced their “Do Us a Flavor” contest last summer. I mean really. It was about time one of these snack food giants gave me the chance to take my dream of country pate and crusty baguette chips and make it a reality.

Alas, the folks at Frito-Lay decided to crush my dreams by going with three other flavors as their finalists. I can’t say I’m surprised by two of them. I have nothing against Sriracha or Cheesy Garlic Bread, but really, we’ve seen spicy and cheesy when it comes to chips before.

What we haven’t seen before (at least not in America) is chicken & waffles. At least not in fried spud form. Syrup? Yes. Denny’s breakfast platters? Of course. But not potato chips. That’s just crazy talk.

Well, I guess we might as well call Lay’s crazy because they’ve decided to milk this soul food classic for all its “Upcoming Food Trends” list-generating hype is worth.

I’m sure a more prolific writer would resign any poultry puns before embarking on such a review, but there’s really no other way to describe my first reaction when opening the bag; my God, these chips smell foul!

It’s this funky, almost mildew-inducing stench which borders somewhere between brown sugar oatmeal and leftover KFC, as if each chip has been cooked in oil leftover from the original Wells Supper Club in Harlem…circa 1938.

For as bad as the chips smell, they actually look quite appetizing. They appear thicker and more robust than your standard potato chips, and have a kettle-cooked type hue with real, skin-on edges. The seasoning, while smelling just awful, didn’t look unappetizing. Aside from a stick-to-your finger coating of brown sugar and “chicken and waffle seasoning,” there’s even your prerequisite unidentified herb coating each chip. 

If you don’t like herbs, you might like these chips because they don’t have any herby taste whatsoever. Of course, you might also like these chips if you enjoy a really funky, if not altogether, off-putting pungency that hangs in the roof of your mouth like Luke Skywalker dangling in the Wampa’s cave during The Empire Strikes Back.

I really don’t know how to describe the taste other than clashing and vaguely reminiscent of mold. There’s something about the initial zip of brown sugar; followed by the artificial chicken taste; some fake butter flavor thrown in there just for good measure; and the onion, garlic and chicken bullion that make for a really, really strange flavor.

Oh, who am I kidding?

These are horrible. They taste old and rotten. And while there’s a nice crunch that’s more substantial than your standard Lay’s chip, there’s no taste of a potato whatsoever. Even the artwork on the bag looks unappetizing – like a Play-Doh reconstructed waffle and the kind of chicken drumette they stick in working kitchen displays in IKEAs. Forget that foodie-inspired wisdom you think you know because, after eating these, I never want to encounter brown sugar, chicken broth, and onion powder in this close proximity ever again.

And that aroma. I just can’t get past it. The only thing that compares is sticking your face into an amusement park trash can and taking a gigantic whiff of stuff.

I was completely prepared to admonish Lay’s for picking two “safer” flavors when it came to their Flavor Finalists, but Sriracha and Cheesy Garlic Bread now look really good. I can’t fathom them being any worse than these chicken & waffles chips. And to think, they could have totally struck it rich with that country pate and crusty baguette flavor…

(Editor’s Note: We reviewed the other two Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists. Click here for the Cheesy Garlic Bread flavor and click here for the Sriracha flavor.)

(Nutrition Facts – 28g/about 17 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 320 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Lay’s Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips:
Junk Food Guy
Kotaku
BevNerd

Item: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $3.00
Size: 9.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Weis Market
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Crunchier than a normal Lay’s chips. Smells slightly better than sticking your head into an amusement park trash can. 
Cons: Heavy doses of brown sugar and ‘savory’ spices come together worse than blindly pouring an entire spice cabinet into a bowl. Moldy smell comes across in the seasoning. Can’t taste the potatoes. Quite possibly the least appetizing potato product I’ve ever eaten.

Man, these Limited Edition Jumpin’ Jack Doritos take me back.

I remember eating bags of it while (insert 90s reference here) or (insert 90s reference here). Except for the acne and bullying, those were good times. Heck, I think I still have those (insert 90s fashion here) somewhere in my closet. But when Jumpin’ Jack Doritos went away, I was a little sad, just like when they cancelled (insert 90s television show here). For years, I wished I could (insert Back to the Future DeLorean/flux capacitor reference here) and experience those chips again.

But thanks to Frito-Lay’s recent trend of bringing back old chip flavors in retro packaging and no thanks to nonexistent time travel technology, I can enjoy these pepper jack cheese-flavored tortilla chips once again, but for a limited time.

Like the outfits in the first few seasons of Friends, the retro Doritos packaging SCREAMS 90s. It also screams 80s…and 70s. Okay, it just screams old and the font used for the “Jumpin’ Jack” makes me wonder where its leopard print leotard is. Oh wait, I was in high school when these first came out, so that makes me old. I. Am. Old. I feel like I should pull my pants down and let my doctor use his latex glove-covered finger to check my prostate.

The chips don’t look as cheesy as regular Doritos, but that’s because the cheese-flavored powder blends in with the color of the chip, like medium 28 camel Sephora tinting moisturizer blends with my skin tone. The cheesy seasoning is made up of cheddar, Monterey Jack, and Swiss cheeses. It sounds like a lot of cheese but according to the level of cheesy powder that accumulated on my fingers while I ate my way through the bag, the chips didn’t seem to have a heavy coating of powder. However, they were some damn tasty chips.

Now some of you cheese connoisseurs might be taking off your monocles, putting down your cup of tea, and asking yourself, “If those chips are pepper jack flavored, where’s the pepper part?”

Well, I was just getting to that, Mr. or Ms. Fancy Pants. Along with the cheesy coating, the tortilla chips have a sprinkling of black and red seasonings, which I assume was the jalapeño pepper powder listed in the ingredients. The jalapeño powder gave the chips a level of heat that would be on the lowest Scoville scale level. To be honest, as someone who likey the spicy, the lack of heat was a little disappointing.

While the amount of spice the Limited Edition Jumpin’ Jack Doritos doesn’t make my taste buds want to jump, the chip’s wonderful, but not overpowering Monterey Jack flavor makes them wonder why they’re not a regular addition to the Doritos line.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, and 2% thiamin.)

Other Jumpin’ Jack Doritos reviews:
Food Junk
Chip Review

Item: Limited Edition Jumpin’ Jack Doritos
Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 11 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice cheesy flavor. Doritos bringing back flavors from the past. Doesn’t leave your fingers stained orange. Retro bag brings back memories of being asked to the Junior prom as a sophomore. The way medium 28 camel Sephora tinting moisturizer make me look.
Cons: Level of heat doesn’t make my taste buds jump. Not for MSG haters. Limited edition. Leaves your fingers stained yellow. Retro bag brings back memories of being the third option for the girl who asked me to the Junior prom. Checking prostates.

When I first heard about Dinamita Doritos, I was immediately curious. I was easily able to locate the two original flavors – Chile Limon and Nacho Picoso. However, I later learned about another flavor, Chipotle Crema, which I found even more intriguing than the other two. But the flavor was proving to be quite elusive.

I was starting to wonder if they even existed. Ghost Doritos.

When I finally found them, I was excited. Happy snack dance excited. It doesn’t take someone fluent in Spanish to know that “Chipotle Crema” translates into “Chipotle Cream”, which sounded like an odd flavor for a tortilla chip. Cream-flavored chips, combined with chipotle, one of my favorite but oft-misused flavors? Sounds like a recipe for disaster, and those are generally my favorite recipes.

Perhaps I was blinded by my excitement in finding these chips, because I didn’t notice until I got home that these are not just tortilla chips. These are rolled tortilla chips.

Oh, I get it! Dinamita! Dynamite! Spicy, red, tubular chips! If only my eyeballs had moved two inches below the logo. It all makes sense, now.

Sabritas/Frito-Lay/Doritos could have gotten away with just throwing some regular chile images in there with the dinamita-shaped chips exploding off the package, but they went with authentico-looking chipotle peppers, which are smoke-dried jalapeños. Hence the wrinkled look. Points for “graphics exploding off the package” accuracy.

In case you’re confused about all the different product names, Sabritas is a Mexican snack-food company owned by Frito-Lay. As such, they market some of their products under both the Sabritas brand and other popular Frito-Lay brands like Doritos and Ruffles.

Since I live close to the border, I have the pleasure of seeing Sabritas snacks almost everywhere. The fun part is that almost all Sabritas packaging has both Spanish and English on it, which makes it like a tiny lesson in a foreign language. This is much more fun than taking Spanish in high school, because there are no tests, the translation is right there, and I learn much more useful phrases than “pasar la aspiradora”. That means “to pass the vacuum”, in case you were curious.

I now know the Spanish words for “dynamite”, “explode” and “boom”, which will surely come in much more handy than vacuum passing. Especially in airports.

Highlighting my observational skills, if I’d read the back of the bag I would have known right off the bat that this is these are not chipotle cream chips. These are chipotle cream cheese chips. Dinamita Doritos just got 100 percent more appealing. While I was willing to take one for the team and eat cream-flavored chips, I now want to go out and buy a block of cream cheese and a can of chipotle peppers, mix them together, and dip tortilla chips into it.

Luckily, I have these chips that claim to taste like that right here!

You might think cream cheese-flavored chips would taste about as awful as cream-flavored chips, but it definitely works in these Dinamita Doritos. While the chipotle built up a nice heat, the cream cheese still managed to shine through, and they compliment each other nicely.

While I could taste the pepper behind the heat, there was an unfortunate lack of smokiness in the chipotle flavoring, which is part of what gives the peppers a distinctive and delicious taste.

These being rolled tortilla chips, they were crunchier and a little bit harder than regular Doritos. I liked the shape; maybe it’s just me and my dainty ladymouth, but the size and triangular shape of regular tortilla chips is just big enough to make cramming a whole chip in my maw awkward. These rolled chips were easy to shove in my mouth.

While the small surface area would not work well with a dip like salsa, the added sturdiness would be perfect to scoop up, say, a dip made of cream cheese and chipotle peppers. That would be so meta.

Here are a few other uses I thought up for Dinamita Doritos:

1. Makeshift blowdart gun to use on your roommate who always steals your chips

2. Straw for sucking up salsa con queso

3. Vessel for snorting something totally legal because I would never condone doing drugs (but at least you won’t notice the chipotle burning your nostrils, since the totally legal drugs will already do that)

4. Breathing tubes if you’re getting your head cast in silicone (will burn your nostrils unless you already snorted something completely legal beforehand)

I found Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips to be quite the enjoyable snack. The actual cream cheese flavoring was unique and played well with the heat without being overwhelmed, but I did miss the smokiness of real chipotle peppers. I also really liked the size and texture of the chips. Plus, they’re multitaskers!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/15 pieces – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, and 2% vitamin A.)

Other Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Chip Review
Original Borris (YouTube)

Item: Sabritas Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 9 3/4 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable and enjoyable cream cheese flavor. Impromptu Spanish lesson. Builds up to a nice heat. Meta dip. Good size and texture. Multitasking snacks.
Cons: Missing chipotle smokiness. Ghost Doritos. Not fit for all dips. Getting tackled by TSA for trying out new Spanish words.

According to AdAge:

Cola chicken is a common recipe in China, with chicken wings tossed into a wok and caramelized in soy sauce, spices and cola. In potato-chip form, the flavor is vaguely similar to barbecue with a sugary aftertaste. If there’s any hint of Pepsi, it’s fleeting and lacks fizz.

Now that I know there’s a Chinese dish called cola chicken, I hope Panda Express offers an Americanized version of it really soon.

Here’s the TV commercial for the cola chicken-flavored chips:

I have to admit I carry a borderline unhealthy obsession with pumpkin pie spice.

I don’t just crave the stuff, I literally carry my obsession with me. As in the little bottle of cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and ginger that never leaves my side this time of year. It goes in my coffee at work, on top of my bagel and cream cheese in the morning, and even in a bag of burnt popcorn already jazzed up with sugar and salt. What can I say, I just crave the stuff.

I’d probably put it on Pringles if I could.

I don’t have to though, because the Pringles man will do it for me. Yessir, having not even cleared the minty taste of my last Pringles purchase, I’ve hit the stooping trifecta by picking up Walmart’s exclusive and limited-time-only Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice.

Now if you’re asking yourself what universal need a pumpkin spice-flavored Pringles satisfies, you obviously have not had enough pumpkin spice flavored stuff in your life. Unlike pumpkin spice coffee the Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice won’t burn your upper lip, and unlike pumpkin spice oatmeal and all manner of products with actual pumpkin in them, the crisps aren’t filled with fiber. This is good, because when you eat as much pumpkin as I do, you’ll get too much fiber and then end up farting a lot.

Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice also comes in handy as a conversation piece while waiting in line at Walmart. It allowed me to make small talk with the people around me about all the weird flavors of chips and crisps Walmart sells. However, Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice doesn’t help shield me from the crazy woman in the line next to me who, for some reason, found it necessary to buy 33 Shutes and Ladders games. But moving several lanes over did.

I was fully expecting Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice to, at best, cause me to have an out-of-body snack food experience like I did with the Pringles White Chocolate Peppermint. At worst, I was expecting them to be so dreadfully disgusting that I would pass out and die while eating them on the drive home from Walmart. Amazingly, they weren’t bad. Hell, they are actually pretty good. Much better than dying on the way home from Walmart.

Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice have a slightly orangey hue. There’s no mention of “pumpkin” anything on the ingredient list, so they won’t give you enough vitamin A to allow you to go all night vision the next time you’re playing Ghosts in the Graveyard. But that’s okay, because I rock at that game. Although, I would trade having killer night vision for not farting as much while still getting a pumpkin pie spice fix.

The taste of pumpkin flavor is moderate. Not loud or harsh, yet neither quiet nor lost. I like how the flavor is sweet and not too spicy. I also like how the crisps, for one reason or another, retain enough of that flavor to not make for a disjointed finish with the Pringles-tasting base. With just a pinch of salt, the ratio of sweet-salty is actually in favor of the former, making for a lighter taste than one usually associates with popping the top. For those of you keeping score at home, this was a much better crisp than the Pringles Cinnamon & Sugar. 

Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice don’t taste like pumpkin pie, but thanks to real, scientific testing done with actual pumpkin pie spice, I can confirm the crisps do taste like a sweeter version of the classic combination of fall spices. Not only that, but the crisps actually make a nice little dipping vehicle should you have some kind of pumpkin-ey cream cheese or dip concoction nearby.

If nothing else, I believe they provide the first case where Pringles manages to do a really weird sounding limited edition flavor right.

(Nutrition Facts – approx. 15 crisps – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Limited Time Only Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice reviews:
Spoil Your Dinner
Fatguy Food Blog

Item: Limited Time Only Pringles Pumpkin Pie Spice
Purchased Price: $1.50
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pleasantly sweet pumpkin pie spice taste. Not harsh nor bitter in the spice department. Salt of the Pringles is restrained. Flavors don’t clash. Making small talk at Walmart. Won’t cause you to fart while enjoying seasonal tastes.
Cons: Spice could be more assertive. Sweetness lacks true depth of brown sugar found in actual pumpkin pie. Doesn’t contain vitamin A (doesn’t actually have pumpkin, either). Love it or hate it Pringles crispness. Possibly opens the door for ill-fated Pringles flavor development.

When I told people I’d be reviewing Seaweed Pringles this week, they reacted with that mild level of shock and disgust that I think is common when discussing almost any product associated with seaweed.  

It’s a silly reaction really, when you consider the unpronounceable chemicals most people ingest in the course of an average day’s worth of meals, or the slurry of anus and pig beaks that go into the universally loved hot dog. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. People eat sushi all the time, yet somehow they allow that seaweed a pass.  Divorce it from their beloved California Rolls and people recoil.  

Granted it’s algae and when people drift into it at the beach they tend to swim the other way as quickly as possible. But that’s not fair. Have you had a good look at a radish lately? Not exactly going to be calling out to you from the fridge in the middle of the night.

Sure it’s called seaweed, a moniker that couldn’t be more unpalatable, but that’s just a bad name.  It’s like Homer Simpson reminded Flanders, “There’s nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that’s all. Everyone would love it if it had a cute name, like, elf grass.”

The whole thing is just a public relations failing. We all know beef is what’s for dinner and that pork is the other white meat, and people everywhere still can’t hear “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” without recalling fondly the all-singing, all-dancing California Raisins.

The only time seaweed gets represented in the popular culture at all is when someone washes up on a deserted beach somewhere. They roll over on their backs, cough up some sea water, and without fail, have a few requisite seaweed strands tangled about them. It’s shorthand for nearly drowning!

How about renaming seaweed “aqua greens” or “hydro leaves”? We could get Sebastian from The Little Mermaid to sing “Under the Sea” or something. And how far away are we from a Snorks reboot? Kids will be clamoring for seaweed. The stuff will sell itself.

These Seaweed Pringles, imported from Thailand, won’t be doing any damage to seaweed’s reputation, but I don’t think these crisps will be winning the algae any new fans either. For those of you imagining popping the top of the can and being swept away to an exotic seashore on a nosegrope of briny goodness, forget it. The nosegrope is not much different than that of a can of regular Pringles. There is a vague earthiness buried somewhere deep in the Pringles aroma, but when I say vague, I mean I could very well be willfully imagining it.

The same goes for the taste. They are not far off from a stack of regular Pringles. There is some sort of nebulous earthiness lurking somewhere on the tongue, but again, it is very, very subtle. If you were blind-tasting, you might not even notice. I don’t think I would.

I found the salt level to be the most surprising. When I think of seaweed, I think salt. Dried seaweed strips can be pretty powerful. But for these chips, they chose to go the other way completely. Each chip is lightly dusted with a sugary coating, making them much sweeter than one would expect. Sugar is the first component in the breakdown of the seaweed extract in the ingredients list. That sweetness is really their defining taste characteristic.

Essentially what you have here are green Pringles. The minute changes to the standard recipe barely make these worth noticing. They could sell these in the U.S. as a St. Patrick’s Day limited edition. You could say that almost non-existent earthiness was meant to hearken back to old Ireland or a field of shamrocks somewhere. No one would bother to contradict you.

Are these bad? No, not at all. They are just unremarkable. These should have been a seaweedy smack in the face. But they’re just green. A little disappointing. Come on Pringles, if you’re going to do seaweed, do seaweed.

Don’t expect any algae-based Claymation characters anytime soon. We’ve got a long way to go, you guys.

(Nutrition Facts – 17 crisps (25g) – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 130 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Seaweed Pringles reviews:
Crazy from Kong (video)

Item: Seaweed Pringles (Thailand)
Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: 110 grams
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Green Pringles. St. Patrick’s Day. The Snorks.
Cons: Sugar. Absence of seaweed. The California Raisins.

Smoked cheeses usually have a brownish exterior, but these Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs don’t have any similar color characteristics of smoked cheese. Instead they’re just noticeably less radioactive orange than regular Cheetos.

Of course, because of the shape of Cheetos Puffs, if they did have a brownish exterior, they would look like poop.

It seems whenever Frito-Lay wants to get fancy with Cheetos Puffs, they break out different cheddar varieties, like white cheddar. And if they want to go the opposite of fancy, they create pizza-flavored Cheetos. There are dozens of cheeses they could’ve gone with, but they stuck with what they know (and can pronounce) — cheddar.

I mean, there are so many cheeses with butcherable names they could flavor their cornmeal puffs with.

Here’s a list. Say them out loud and give your mouth a workout. Then guess which one of them is completely made up…without help from the internet.

There’s Gruyère, Boerenkaas, Taleggio, Montcabrer, Scamorza, Robiola della Alta Langa, Courgherst, Fium’Orbu, Neufchatel, Rauchkase, Camembert de Normandie, Nevat de Oveja, and Époisses.

(The answer can be found in the Cons section of this review)

But the fine food scientists at Frito-Lay didn’t pick a cheese with a tongue twister for a name, they decided to combine the flavor of smoked cheddar with their iconic snack to create the Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs.

Regular Cheetos Puffs have a strong cheesiness and it’s what makes them so great. But these Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos lack that, even though they’re flavored with smoked cheddar, regular cheddar, blue cheese, and parmesan. Instead these crunchy puffs had a mild cheese and equally mild, slightly off-putting artificial smoke flavor.

The lack of cheesiness made me hesitate when it was time to decide whether or not to suck the Cheetos dust off my fingers. However, because I was too lazy to grab a napkin or to walk to a sink, I sucked my fingers clean. But I didn’t enjoy it.

The superimposed smoke that surrounds the Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos on the front of the packaging makes each one look like it’s losing its soul. The image is fitting because the lack of cheesiness make these Cheetos taste like they’ve lost their souls.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 13 pieces – 150 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Chip Review

Item: Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs
Purchased Price: $4.39
Size: 9 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Not colored like smoked cheddar. Less radioactive looking. How easy it was to come up with a fake cheese name.
Cons: Not cheesy enough. Artificial smokiness was a little off-putting. Cheddar being the default cheese flavor for snacks. Made me hesitant to suck my fingers clean. Courgherst.

Since the dawn of civilization, Pringles has pretty much been synonymous with two things: salty and vaguely potato-ey.

Attempting to condense flavors ranging from authentic southern barbecue to mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce in the convenient delivery vehicle of dried potato flakes and cottonseed and/or soybean oil, Pringles has built an empire out of coming up with more flavors than Land Before Time sequels.

For the most part, I’m cool with that.

No, the Pringles All-American Cheeseburger isn’t going to satiate an In-N-Out craving, but one’s snack of choice can do a lot worse than ambiguous salty, cheesy, and crispy flavors. Which begs the question: what the hell is the deal with Pringles getting all sweet on us for the Holidays?

Perhaps it has to do something with the Pringles guy bearing a striking resemblance to what I can only assume was once a younger Santa Claus (or Pringles now being produced by Kellogg’s), but the new Limited Time Only Pringles White Chocolate Peppermint and Pringles Cinnamon & Sugar join Wheat Thins and Ritz crackers as long-time savory standbys trying to capitalize on the salty and sweet craze that seems to hit each holiday season.

I was expecting the White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles to be covered in a smooth, lickable white chocolate fondant with candy cane pieces sprinkled on top. Well, I guess I got what I paid for, because for $1.53 the Pringles bore the tan shade of the ubiquitous plain Pringle. The taste is akin to having an out of body experience. If you lick the chip – excuse me, crisp – you definitely pick up flavors of peppermint and white chocolate. It’s short lived though, like a stick of gum.

The flavor is actually really good, but it’s completely disjointed from the characteristic Pringles finish, which for lack of a better word is best described as slightly, possibly, sorta potato-ey. In a lot of ways, it’s like watching your favorite baseball player getting a hanging fastball over the plate, putting bat on ball, and getting what looks like all of it. Your spirits are raised – it’s outta here! – until you realize it’s going dead center at The Trop and right to the center fielder. Yes, the aftertaste of these Pringles taste like a routine fly-out to end the game against the Devil Rays.

The Cinnamon & Sugar Pringles look exactly like regular Pringles but with little specks of shiny brown which I’m assuming are cinnamon-sugar granules. On the Cinnamon-Sugar spectrum of 1-10, with 10 being Cinnamon Toast Crunch cooked in butter and then drowned in cinnamon and sugar, I’d estimate the cinnamon-sugarage to be a 3. I did not find the taste to be as sweet as the seasonal Cinnamon Wheat Thins, and it definitely wasn’t enough to drown out the salty, starchy Pringles aftertaste.

Continuing the baseball analogies, this was like watching an infield groundball. You’re kinda sorta hoping it gets through a hole, but no, as soon as you bite in, you realize it’s right to the shortstop, and tastes just like every other groundball – er, Pringles – you’ve eaten.

If you like collecting Pringles cans or just enjoy smelling Christmasy food flavors, then the two new sweet flavors of Pringles are just the stocking stuffers for you. But when it comes to actually eating them, the broken and disjointed taste sensations of sweet and cooling just don’t mesh with the loud, salty aftertaste of the vaguely potato-ey Pringles.

(Nutrition Facts – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Time Only Pringles White Chocolate Peppermint and Pringles Cinnamon & Sugar
Purchased Price: $1.53 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10 (White Chocolate Peppermint)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Cinnamon & Sugar)
Pros: White Chocolate and Peppermint has actual white chocolate and peppermint taste. No trans fat. Fun if you like out of body eating experiences.
Cons: Pringles aftertaste clashes with sweetness. Cinnamon Sugar flavor is weak. No substantial crunch. Realizing the Pringles guy could pass for Santa Claus in his 30s.