I remember those days when I was soft and chunky. I would wear husky clothing, be called a geek or dork on a daily basis by girls who could beat me up, and cry when those girls took my lunch money.

Oh, but how I’ve grown.

I’m no longer soft and chunky, instead I’m now sensitive and slightly overweight. I don’t wear husky clothing anymore, it’s now baggy clothing. I’m no longer called a geek or dork on a daily basis by girls who can beat me up, instead I’m called weird or scary on a daily basis by girls who have cans of pepper spray and use them to take my lunch money.

Oh, if only I was a cookie during my soft and chunky days, then I would’ve been just like the Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookies, big cookies with big chocolate chunks.

Oh, I wish I were a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie.
That is what I’d truly like to be.
Cause if I were a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie,
everyone would be in love with me.

But then again, if I was a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie, I would an ordinary prepackaged cookie, placed into plastic packaging with other cookies like me, and we would placed on top of each other, like we were prisoners posing for pictures at Abu Ghraib prison.

I guess being a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie would suck. Besides, they really weren’t that big. They’re only about three inches in diameter, which to me was still pretty small. Of course, my way of determining if a cookie is big is by seeing if I can stick the whole thing into my mouth.

If the cookie fits into my mouth, it’s not a big cookie. However, if I say the line, “If the cookie doesn’t fit, you must split,” then I consider the cookie to be big.

The cookies may not have been big, but they were bigger than regular Chips Ahoy! and they also had lots of chocolate. Along with the usual chocolate chips, these cookies also had chocolate chunks. So dare I say it had an orgy of chocolate?

I’m such a perv.

Anyway, because of the orgy of chocolate, I liked these better than regular Chips Ahoy!, but despite the the bigger size and the orgy of chocolate, I didn’t think there was anything special about the Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookies.

I just think they’re just plain and ordinary Chips Ahoy! cookies on steroids.

Item: Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Bigger and better than normal Chips Ahoy! cookies. An orgy of chocolate.
Cons: Nothing really special about them. Chocolate chips and chunks looked alike. Is the exclamation point at the end of Chips Ahoy! really necessary?

When I was little, I used to think the Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney song Ebony and Ivory was about Oreo cookies. I would sing the chorus of the song over and over as I separated the white creme from the chocolate cookies and placed them in separate piles.

Of course, when I got older, I learned the song was about comparing people of different ethnicities to the keys on a piano.

Although, now that I think about it, the song might have also been a plea by the two singers to stop Michael Jackson from getting any whiter. Of course, we all know how that ended and we all probably wish someone would write a song to stop Jacko from molesting children.

Over the years, Oreo cookies have had different variations, like Double Stuf Oreos, with a double portion of filling and half the F’s; Uh-Oh! Oreos, with vanilla flavored cookies and chocolate creme; and One Bad Mutha Oreos, with chocolate cookies, chocolate creme, and dipped in chocolate.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader, Janet, let me know about the new Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme cookies, which have chocolate cookies and peanut butter creme.

Now I’m an Oreo purist, so I really love regular Oreos and that’s all I usually eat. However, just like ethnic restaurants and sexual positions, I felt trying something different wouldn’t hurt, unless it’s either live snake cuisine or the Standing Oral Yin Yang position.

The thing about Oreos is that there are several ways of eating them. You can eat them whole. You can dip them in ice cold milk. You can take two cookies, twist off the top of one of them, eat the top, and then combine the rest to form a Big Mac Oreo.

Or you can twist off the top of one of the cookies, lick up all the filling, go find Sally Struthers, get her attention, then throw away both sides of the cookie in front of her, and wait to see if she mentions something about children starving in Africa.

I put the Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme through the same routine I would with regular Oreos. However, despite all the dunking, biting, twisting, and licking, it just wasn’t the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, they were pretty good, but much like Britney and Kevin’s marriage, the peanut butter creme seems to be the dominant taste and the chocolate cookies seem like they’re there just going along for the ride and spending the whole day watching television.

However, if Nutter Butter cookies makes your nipples hard, you would probably like these because the peanut butter creme tasted very similar.

Item: Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very good. Peanut butter creme reminds me of Nutter Butter cookies. No trans fat.
Cons: Not equal to or better than original Oreos. Peanut butter creme seems to dominate the chocolate cookies. Standing Oral Yin Yang.

(Editor’s Note: The winners of this month’s prize drawing have been selected. Their names have been posted in the right column. Congratulations to them and thanks to everyone who participated.)

Psst. Cookie Monster.

I read they’re cutting back your cookie consumption. That’s too bad, after all, you’re THE Cookie Monster.

I don’t understand why they’re doing this to you, it’s not your fault kids are getting fat. You should go on TV and point fingers at the fast food industry, the lack of physical education in schools, or SpongeBob SquarePants. People are blaming SpongeBob for other things, so you should just peg this one on him as well.

Anyway, so are you having withdrawals? It must be hard on you to not be able to eat cookies all the time. Addictions can be hard to break. Look at Charlie Sheen. He couldn’t stop his hooker addiction for that hottie Denise Richards.

To be honest, you eating cookies all the time wasn’t so bad. You’ve eaten them for decades and you’re not obese, you’ve never had a heart attack, and you don’t have diabetes. So I don’t understand why you NOW need to eat a balanced diet. You’re like those old men who eat bacon for every meal, smoke cigars everyday, and live until they’re 90 years old.

Well, because you and I have a lot in common, like loving cookies, having googly eyes, and hairy chests, especially around the nipple area, I’m going to help you out.

I just baked some Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies, and if you want some, I could send a dozen of them to you…for a price.

I know you’ve got money, because you’ve been on television for decades. You must be raking in, at least, a hundred thousand dollars an episode.

And don’t give me that non-profit PBS excuse, I’m sure you also get residuals from all the 120 foreign markets Sesame Street is in. Oh, and let’s not forget the money you’re making from all the merchandising.

I know you don’t make as much as Big Bird or that annoying Elmo, but you’re probably making more than Grover, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and those two lovebirds, Bert and Ernie.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a plan to get these cookies to you without your fellow Sesame Street neighbors finding out.

I’ll give the cookies to those hippies down in Fraggle Rock and they could dig a tunnel to your place and deliver the cookies to you. They’re not doing anything, except getting high, because their show ended in 1987.

Wait, on second thought, that might be a bad idea. Some of them might have a bad case of the munchies and eat your cookies before they deliver them to you.

Maybe I’ll just mail them, wrapped in coffee beans so no one can smell the cookies.

So you’re probably wondering how’s the product?

These Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies are good. They’re definitely better than those Chips Ahoy cookies, but they aren’t as good or as big as the Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics I tried last month.

I know you like the traditional crunchy chocolate chip cookies, so I don’t know if you’ll really like these because the caramel filling in each cookie makes them a lot chewier and sweeter. To be honest, the caramel made them a little too sweet for me, but I don’t think you’ll notice it because you don’t ever chew your cookies anyway, you just inhale them.

Or, if you like, I can just send you the cookie dough for you to bake. These cookies are quick and easy. Just break off the globs of cookie dough, place them on a baking pan, and bake them at 350 degrees for 13 minutes.

However, if you decide to go the cookie dough route, the aroma from baking them could tip people off to what you’re up to and you might get into trouble. If you like, I could throw in a little incense, for an extra fee, to cover the baking smell.

Anyway, if you want this deal done, you know how to contact me.

Just to let you know, I expect half the payment up front, and the other half after delivery.

Item: Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Quick and easy to bake. If you like chewy cookies, the caramel makes them chewy.
Cons: The caramel filling made them a little too sweet. Cookie Monster eating a balanced diet. My hairy nipples.

The other week, Impulsive Buy reader Emily sent me an email asking if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer, like our friends at The Message Whore suggested (who also REALLY liked the Reese’s Cookies), and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

To celebrate Martha Stewart’s release from prison, I decided to bake cookies. So while watching CNN’s live coverage of her first day back working at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, I put down my koa wood framed 8×10 photo of Martha and brought out the baking pan from my Martha Stewart Everyday Nonstick 5-Piece Baking Set.

Unfortunately, after a horrible brownie baking accident, which involved me not adding any eggs to the brownie mixture and creating the hardest baked goods ever, I’ve stopped baking things from scratch.

Besides, when you bake from scratch you have to worry about fractions, and I suck at fractions.

So instead of making the cookies from scratch, I opened up a package of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics, with which I could bake a dozen cookies. I know Martha would kill me if she found out I wasn’t going to bake these cookies from scratch. After all, I’m sure she learned how to kill in prison.

I wonder if she’ll teach us how to kill on a future episode of Martha Stewart Living.

By the way, did you see how hot Martha looks now? Damn! Total MILF!

If I was in the kitchen with her and I had a wooden spoon in my hands, I would totally spank her ass with it. If only I was under house arrest with her. Sigh.

Wait, was that too much information for you? Sorry.

Anyway, after washing my hands and drying them using the hand towel from my Martha Stewart Everyday 5-Star Egyptian Cotton Basketweave Towel Set I placed the twelve cookie dough rounds on top of the ungreased baking pan, leaving them about two inches apart from each other.

Then I placed the baking pan into the oven, which was preheated at 350 degrees fahrenheit. Fifteen minutes later, I had cookies that even Martha would be proud of, if she didn’t know they weren’t made from scratch.

After letting them cool for a few minutes, I grabbed one of the smaller plates from my Martha Stewart Everyday Classic White 16-Piece Ceramic Dinnerware Set so that I wouldn’t get crumbs all over the place as I ate my freshly baked cookies, while Martha talked about her experiences in prison.

Oh, these cookies were good. Every bite had some chocolate goodness. I guess it helped that along with the regular semi-sweet and milk chocolate chips, there were also mini, semi-sweet Hershey’s Kisses added to the cookie dough. It basically was an orgy of chocolate.

After eating half a cookie, I realized I was missing something very important…MILF…I mean, milk.

So I pulled out from the cupboard one of the glasses from my Martha Stewart Everyday 12-Piece Butterfly Glassware Set and poured myself some milk, so that I could dunk the warm cookies into it.

Oh, Martha would be so proud!

When I was done, I put the rest of the cookies in one of the square 5-cup food containers from my Martha Stewart Everyday 48-Piece Airtight Food Container Set, so that I may enjoy the cookies later on.

Overall, these Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics were very good. Or as Martha would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Item: Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick. Easy to bake. Big cookies. Martha Stewart is a total MILF.
Cons: Martha is still under house arrest. I suck at baking things from scratch.