Salt-N-Pepa got pissed when baby-pop didn’t make it fast when giving them a kiss and I think Santa will be just as upset when he finds out some poor kid left out Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo cookies for him this Christmas Eve.

I can imagine what will happen and I think it’ll be a Christmas story that will be shared for generations.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa made his way down into another home.
Over his shoulders were his big bag of Christmas gifts and bigger bag of coal.
In this household, no kids were naughty so they’ll all get gifts from Saint Nick.
Oh, wait! Santa checked his list twice and it appears little Timmy was a little dick.

After the presents were stuffed in their appropriate stockings above the fireplace,
Santa saw his obligatory cookies and milk on a coffee table next to an empty vase.
As he walked closer to the treats left out for him, his face began to radiate with glee.
He let out a soft squee and then said, “Looks like Nabisco made another Oreo variety.”

“Enjoy these Limited Edition Peppermint Oreos,” said the note left with the snack.
Santa said, “I will,” and then prepared himself to dive into the cookies that are black.
So he grabbed the glass of milk and poured the liquid into the empty vase on the table.
There’s no way Santa trusts any milk sitting out for hours, even if it’s shelf-stable.

Santa picked up a Peppermint Oreo cookie and noticed the pink colored creme.
He thought the color was off and wished the cookie had a red and black color scheme.
He was also sad the chocolate cookies didn’t have festive imprints that warm his soul.
Like snowflakes, snowmen, or the depressed face of a child who received a lump of coal.

Before Santa tried the new Oreo flavor, he looked around to see if anyone was spying.
After scanning the room a few times, he noticed two pairs of children’s eyes prying.
Santa released an annoyed sigh as he reached into a coat pocket to pull out magic dust.
He had to blow it towards the curious children to prevent them from making a fuss.

The children’s eyes got heavy and their memories got cloudy thanks to the magic glitter.
When they became unconscious, Santa erased their memories using some transmitter.
He then walked over to the stockings of the children lying unconscious on the ground,
and replaced the gifts he was going to give them with lumps of coal, about a pound.

Santa could now enjoy a Peppermint Oreo cookie, which he hoped would be fulfilling.
So he picked one up, twisted off the top chocolate cookie, and licked the creme filling.
While sampling the pink creme, he said, “This tastes like something I’ve had in the past.”
After putting the cookie back together and eating it whole, his jolly face turned aghast.

“Blitzen!” Santa yelled while also spraying chocolate cookie crumbs across the room.
“Peppermint Oreos should taste different than Candy Cane Oreos,” he verbally assumed.
Santa was sick of Candy Cane Oreos because kids have been putting them out for years.
He hoped this year things would be different, but the familiar flavor didn’t ease his fears.

Oh, by the way, Blitzen is considered profanity at the North Pole, it basically means “shit.”
And, yes, it’s named after the laziest and most worthless reindeer, Santa will admit.
Blitzen got his name because he’s a lush and with other reindeer he doesn’t get along.
And now you know why his name is said last in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer song.

Santa felt the two Oreo flavors tasted the same, even though there are some differences.
Candy Cane Oreo having half white creme and crunchy sprinkles are such instances.
But to Santa those didn’t matter because when you eat thousands of cookies in one night,
flavor matters the most, so it’s wrong for Nabisco to make two Oreo cookies that taste alike.

But Santa liked both Candy Cane and Peppermint Oreos even if they tasted the same.
Thankfully, the creme was made using peppermint oil; artificial flavoring is lame.
Santa thought the Limited Edition Peppermint Oreos have a minty flavor that’s tight.
They’re like Thin Mints, which he thinks more kids should put out on pre-Christmas night.

While Santa was disappointed Peppermint Oreos tasted similar to Candy Cane Oreos,
what he discovered next about them really turned his HO HO HO’s into NO NO NO’s.
A package of Peppermint Oreos has one-third less cookies than a package of regular ones.
This infuriated Santa and now he was looking to visit Nabisco and kick some Nabisco buns.

So he flew up the chimney to set off in his sled to Nabisco Headquarters in New Jersey.
Thanks to a drunk Blitzen delaying them, there was no time to kick ass; they had to hurry.
Santa yelled, “Blitzen! Take a Blitzen on Nabisco,” and the reindeer did what he was told.
Then as they flew off to deliver the rest of the presents, Santa let out a loud, “HO HO HO!”

THE END

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo
Price: $3.99
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: As good as Candy Cane Oreos. Thin Mints-like. When women squee. Uses peppermint oil for flavor, not artificial flavors. The look on children’s faces when they find out they got a lump of coal for Christmas.
Cons: Tastes like Candy Cane Oreos. Has 1/3 less cookies than a package of regular Oreos. Blitzen the Reindeer. Pissing off Salt-N-Pepa because you didn’t kiss them fast enough. What happens when you spy on Santa.

Here are a few SCARY product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

BOO! Orange candy coated chocolate pieces in chocolate chip cookies. Oh, that’s SCARY! (via Junk Food Betty)

Even scarier? How about Sugar-Free Pumpkin Peeps that, according to its packaging, “may cause stomach discomfort and/or a mild laxative effect.” Muahahaha! SCARY…FOR YOUR UNDERWEAR! (via Rodzilla Reviews)

When I saw pictures of this scary item it shook me to the bone, which the scary item does not have. It would make Dr. Frankenstein proud. (via Tampa Bay Food Monster)

Want to scare the kiddies this Halloween? Nothing scares the kiddies more than…VEGETABLES! (via Freezer Burns)

This gummy candy is spooky. But not when you first look at them, because you can’t really tell what they are. But if you look closely and let you brain process it, then you’ll figure out what they are, and then they’ll be SPOOKY! (via Candyblog)

The Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan has been out for a few months, but it only recently showed up at my local Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. However, I wouldn’t have noticed they carried it if I didn’t have to take a shortcut through the aisle of canned goods, at the end of which I found their stock of these Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named-exclusive cookies.

No, I didn’t find them in the cookie aisle with all the other Oreo varieties. I found them somewhere a person would hide them if they didn’t want anyone to find them. Also, if I was a few inches shorter I may not have noticed them at all because they were on the top most shelf.

Actually, it’s surprising that my local Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named carried it because when it comes to carrying new products, it sucks. For cheap goods, getting bruises from shopping carts being driven by children, and watching people frantically dig through the $5 DVD bin and get excited when they find the movie Double Impact, it’s quite good.

You see, I can walk into a Target and almost always come out with a new product to review. The same can be said about Safeway. But when it comes to the Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, all I’ve usually come out with is disappointment…and bruised ankles. It’s happened so much that I decided to give my disappointment a name — Blue Balls.

But after finally ending up at my local Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named and trying the Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan, I have to say perhaps they were located at the end of the canned goods aisle because they’re not that great.

The Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan uses three crunchy Golden Oreo cookies and in between those are a layer of strawberry creme filling and a layer of chocolate creme filling. The color scheme looks like they would make an ugly pair of knee high argyle socks, but as a creme sandwich cookie, it’s not bad looking.

The issue I have with the Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan is that the strawberry creme’s flavor overwhelms the chocolate creme. It’s as if the strawberry creme is a Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named and the chocolate creme is an unsupervised child who gets lost in the Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. Having what is basically a strawberries and creme Oreo is fine and it’s good, but the chocolate creme needed to stand out more in order for the cookie as a whole to stand out.

Overall, the Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan may not be Blue Balls-disappointing, but they are a letdown.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 110 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

Other Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan reviews:
Grub Grade
Fat Guy Food Blog

Item: Triple Double Oreo Neapolitan
Price: $3.48
Size: 13.1 ounces
Purchased at: Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy Golden Oreo cookies. Three cookies and two different cremes. Finally, finding something somewhat new at the Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Cons: Disappointing. Strawberry creme overwhelms the cookie. Chocolate creme flavor is non-existent. One cookie has 110 calories. Parents who let their children drive shopping carts. My local Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named not getting it sooner. Getting lost in a store.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Awesome! Now I have something I can dip my marshmallows in that’s not fire. (via Crazy Food Dude)

It turns out these cookies aren’t Smurftastic. Or as Drunk Smurf would say, “They’re smurfin’ smurfy. They taste like a piece of surf. Smurf that smurf!” (via Review Spew)

With a name like Smucker’s, I thought I’d be able to use these to write in jam, but there’s no jam in them. (via Clearance Cuisine)

Oh, Trader Joe’s. These makes me yearn to be closer to one of your stores. Instead, I will have to settle for Ruffles dipped in chocolate pudding. (via Candyblog)

With the Phillies out of the playoffs and the Eagles off to a horrible start, this probably won’t make Philadelphians happy. But, this might. (via Grub Grade and Eat!Drink!Snack!)

If you’re looking to piss off the trick or treaters in your neighborhood and ensure your home will get either egged or TP-ed, then pass out Chips Ahoy! Halloween chocolate chip cookies. Their chocolatey goodness puts them just a step above a roll of pennies, but their fragility puts them several steps below any candy.

Chips Ahoy! Halloween are somewhat similar to Chips Ahoy! American Summer, except instead of red. white, and blue candy coated pieces, they just have orange candy coated pieces. Since they aren’t very different, I also expect Chips Ahoy! Halloween to taste just like regular Chips Ahoy! cookies.

Let’s just hope Nabisco decided this time to make Chips Ahoy! Halloween in an appropriate country, unlike with Chips Ahoy! American Summer which were made in Mexico. So I hope Nabisco had these Halloween holiday chocolate chip cookies made in Transylvania.

Chips Ahoy! Halloween are currently available for a limited time in 13 ounces packages.

Thanks to @NickL3git on Twitter for letting us know about Chips Ahoy! Halloween and for the image above.

There are times I feel like, for as great as modern life is, things might be a little too advanced, with too many choices for us to handle.  After realizing my cell phone was in fact a tin can with a string tied to it, I got a new smart phone.  It can give directions to anywhere in the world and track weather patterns; I mainly use it to play Angry Birds and check baseball scores.  I have a TV that gets roughly 700 channels; I watch five of them.  I’m writing and you’re reading this on machines capable of accessing libraries around the globe, and the most spirited debate I’ve seen today was about whether, even if given human intelligence, there are really enough apes in the city of San Francisco to stage a successful uprising.  (Which: point, but I really feel like once you’ve bought into the notion of hyper-intelligent apes, it’s time to leave your finer points of military strategy at the door, Sun Tzu.)
 
Yet every time I start feeling like progress is passing me by, some food company will release a product that makes us all wonder why no one ever thought of it before.  Well hold onto your butts, because the latest embarrassment of riches has arrived in the form of Triple Double Oreos.  Those of you who have a hard time dealing with the opulence that is Double Stuf Oreos might want to quit reading now, as there’s a very real chance that merely hearing about the Triple Double will make the rest of us have to look away awkwardly and pretend that’s just water on your pants.
 
Now that we’ve dispensed with the nancies, the rest of you are ready to hear about the next phase in Nabisco’s arms race against Keebler.  Remember that Onion article from a few years back with a supposed Gillette executive proclaiming “Fuck everything, we’re doing five blades”?  And then a couple of years later, the actual Gillette company really did?  Well, this is Nabisco’s five blades.  More specifically, it’s two Oreo cookies mashed together like so: cookie top, vanilla creme filling, cookie middle, chocolate creme filling, cookie bottom.

I have to be honest: as much as what I just described would’ve blown the mind of a kid in 1975, it’s still less than what I was expecting.  The words “triple” and “double” right next to each other had me conjuring visions of mammoth Oreos you couldn’t fit in your mouth without unhinging your jaw, like the cookie equivalent of a Dagwood sandwich.  That… is not this.  It’s really just two Oreos (one and two-thirds if you’re a math nerd) (which I’m not) stacked atop one another; the three cookie layers provide the “triple” element, while the twin layers of creme filling account for the “double.”  I initially suspected that the filling layers would be extra thick, like Double Stuf Oreos, hence the “double” part of the name.  Turns out I was wrong; they aren’t any thicker than normal Oreos, there are simply two layers.  And I guess technically that makes sense, but since regular Oreos have both a top and a bottom cookie, the “triple” part feels pretty disingenuous.  Maybe that’s just me.

On the plus side, they taste basically the same as regular Oreos, which is to say quite good.  Perfectionist that I am, I performed controlled taste tests both with and without milk (1%, if you’re looking to replicate the experiment yourself), and the results were as expected: pretty tasty plain, significantly better in milk.  If I have a quibble, it’s that they might as well have saved themselves the trouble of using chocolate creme.  The chocolate of the cookie layers is so dominant that you can’t taste any chocolate in the creme, so it’s really just a marketing tool to look more appealing to your subconscious.  Hell, for all I know it’s just vanilla creme with brown food coloring thrown in.  That actually would not surprise me in the least.
 
On the more negative end of the spectrum is the fact that HOLY BALLS THESE THINGS ARE 100 CALORIES APIECE.  Apiece.  When a calorie count makes even me blanch, you know it’s bad.  It’s not like I’ve never eaten high-calorie desserts before, but usually they’re at least something big.  In this case I think the Triple Doubles’ heft may work against them — you’re still going to eat a few at a time because no one has eaten a lone Oreo in the history of ever; but then you remember they’re 100 calories apiece and your head explodes.  So, hey, watch out for that.
 
I can still recommend Triple Double Oreos for your consumption, but not unequivocally, and I doubt they’ll be around for long.  Like most ridiculously overindulgent products bestowed upon us by food companies, they make for a nice gimmick but will never replace the classic brand and are targeting the same market share.  I don’t expect there are too many people out there thinking, “You know, I like the taste of Oreos and all, but until they’re ready to take it to the next level, eff those guys.”  So if you’re interested in trying them out, I’d plan on doing so sooner rather than later.  You may be disappointed that they aren’t so gargantuan as to come one to a package, but come on: how bad can an Oreo really be?
 
(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 100 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)
 
Other Triple Double Oreo reviews:

Foodette Reviews

Item: Nabisco Triple Double Oreo
Price: $2.99
Size: 13.1 ounces/18 cookies
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Taking it to the next level.  Dissecting the finer points of Planet of the Apes.  Five blades.  Not having to unhinge your jaw.  Triple doubling up on milk.  Not stingy on the creme.  Tastes just like a regular Oreo.
Cons: Not really triple, unless you usually eat your Oreos open-faced.  Embarrassment of cookie riches.  100 bleeping calories apiece.  A bit disappointing visually.  Tastes… just like a regular Oreo.