REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

Consistency is a glorious, necessary trait for humanity. Not just being consistently good at something, mind you—like the SEC’s year in and year out domination of college football—but in being predictable in any sort of behavior or result.

It’s the kind of attribute which keeps order in the universe. Which allows us, at the end of the day, to know Jack Bauer will save the world from a catastrophic nuclear incident, or regardless of whatever the new Star Wars movies feature, the Stormtroopers are still going to suck at shooting.

You know what’s not consistent? Wheat Thins’ Limited Edition Dill Pickle crisps. They’re so woefully inconsistent. They remind me of what would happen if an NFL team ever alternated Tom Brady and Tony Romo for every other snap (note to Madden players, this is not advisable on All-Madden mode.) Rarely have I encountered a snack I’ve wanted to love so much and wanted to hate so passionately; seldom have I partaken in a game of flavor roulette like the one I experienced when dunking my hands into the neon-green pickle graced box.

I guess I should go back to the start of this love-hate relationship. I had high hopes for these given that I’m a card carrying dill pickle fiend. Okay, not so much that I would name my second-born son after the combination of herbs and vinegar, but enough that I get chided by friends for adding dill pickles to every sandwich imaginable. BLT? Better make that a BLTP. Peanut Butter and Jelly? Hey it’s not as crazy as it sounds! And don’t ask me to exercise restraint in the presence of Route 11’s Dill Pickle potato chips, which have just the right amount of zing and zang to perk up an otherwise refreshing and floral herb flavor.

Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins Closeup

The aroma of the crackers is intense, with a sort of unnatural and heavy smell that’s more reminiscent of a straight-up jar of Mt. Olive pickles than your standard dill pickle potato chips. The seasoning seems twofold in nature, with specks of both green dried dill weed and an odd powdery white substance adorning the crackers in varying levels of coverage. It’s this inconsistent coverage which I soon found to be the crackers’ undoing.

Those which aired on the lighter side of seasoning, with less of the powdery white substance and more of the dried dill, had a restrained vinegar flavor that perked my taste buds to the ensuing malty, wheaty sweetness of the cracker. Just the right amount of salt rounded out the sweetness, which reaches its apex upon the trademark crunch and glutinous chew.

That was cracker number one. Cracker number two proved less enjoyable. A lot less enjoyable. The chief culprit seems to be the powdery white substance. Heavy like the seasoning for sour cream, it’s got a buttermilk funk and an overbearing vinegar flavor that tastes way too much like pure dill pickle brine. Not the pickle, mind you, but the freaking brine. It’s just too strong and lacking any of the floral qualities of dill to render it as a true dill pickle flavor. In fact, it’s so overwhelming I would have thought I was eating white vinegar-flavored Wheat Thins. The worst part of the experience? The flavor overwhelms the backend malty sweetness, and damages the otherwise worthy Wheat Thins base.

That was cracker two. Cracker three was somewhere in between these two extremes, while cracker four was even better than cracker one, having little of the white residue to torment me with its excessive fermented funk. It was at that point that the Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins and I decided to take a break from each other. Rather, it was at this point that I decided I needed a snack I could count on.

Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins Dill

The Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins are the worst kind of snack imaginable because they manage to be both maddeningly heavy and repulsive but also herbaceously crunchtastic at the same time. Depending on the level of seasoning you encounter you’re either facing third and eleven with Tony Romo bound to screw it up, or Tom Brady ready to deliver a comeback touchdown toss. That kind of inconsistency is fine if you’re trying to test the limits of Madden NFL 2015, but it’s definitely not something I want in my snacks.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 4 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful dill pickle flavor can be balanced, giving just the right combination of vinegar tang and herbaceous relief. Wheat Thins base is excellent as always. Background malt flavor meshes well with the dill. Crunchier than regular pickles and not as slimy. Knowing Stormtroopers will still suck at shooting in Episode VII.
Cons: Depending on the amount of seasoning, can be overbearing and excessively briny. Like drinking pickle juice on a hot summer and then taking a three mile run. Unrealistic hypothetical NFL personnel decisions only possible in Madden

QUICK REVIEW: Nabisco Sea Salt Wheat Thins Popped

Nabisco Sea Salt Wheat Thins Popped

Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you love the flavor and crunch of Popchips, you’ll enjoy these. Serving size (27 chips) is kind of crazy, but in a good way because you could mindlessly pop these in your mouth one after another and then stop yourself because you think you’ve overindulged, but then figure out you haven’t reached one serving yet. Low fat. Just 130 calories per serving.
Cons: If you’re hoping for the flavor of Wheat Thins, you’ll be disappointed; it tastes nothing like Wheat Thins. Tastes too much like potato Popchips (dried potatoes are the second ingredient listed). If I want Popchips, I’ll go buy some damn Popchips. Doesn’t have the hearty Wheat Thins crunch. Lacks the perfect square shape to make it possible to play Wheat Thins football with them.

Nabisco Sea Salt Wheat Thins Popped Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 27 chips – 130 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 8% vitamin C, and 4% iron.

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

Are we hitting the trough of the Latino flavors wave?

Not quite, but I think we’ve passed the crest because here we have Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime.

I’m fond of Wheat Thins, they’re more subtle than Triscuit and have more personality than saltine crackers. I’m also a fan of some of the flavored Wheat Thins and I love lime.

I love lime so much that when I was a child, I would gobble all the lime “gelatin gems” in those cheap variety cups before anyone could get them.

I even (drunkenly) threw a bag of Skittles out of my car when I realized they replaced lime with disgusting “green apple.” If I had to buy tortilla chips for some wet-ass salsa (all salsa sucks, by the way), I would opt for the Tostitos Hint of Lime.

So what’s not to love about these new Wheat Thins? The nutty flavor of Wheat Thins and the zesty slap of lime. Well, you know when you finally get together with a friend you recently rekindled via Facebook and you realize “What the hell? You’re nothing like your posts?!” Yeah, that’s kind of like these Wheat Thins.

I expected them taste like Wheat Thins with that powdery lime-zest those Tostitos have and they do, but it’s all wrong. First, the lime flavor is too faint because that nutty, almost roasted taste takes over the entire cracker.

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime Super Closeup

Second, I tasted more of the lime zest by licking my finger and I hate people that lick their fingers. You can even see the green specks on the cracker that mislead you.

You taste the lime zest immediately, but it’s so quick that you would think Hangover III stayed on the minds of the public longer. The flavor doesn’t last because it mellows into an almost faint creaminess of garlic and then the familiar nutty taste ramjams your tongue like a terrible National Geographic video about wild animals in heat. RAMJAM!!!

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime Back of Box

The back of the box screams, “Taste the bold lime flavor.” There’s no way to say it, but that’s a lie and I don’t mean “That dress looks good on you” lie…I mean the “Mommy and Daddy will always love you” kind of lie. What a bunch of crap.

One look at the ingredients and it’s no wonder the lime flavor is as present as my parents when I was having an emotional breakdown. The ingredients list garlic powder, sour cream, and onion powder. It’s as if Nabisco wanted to really do something crazy like moon someone, but then they said, “How about we moon them with our pants on? And also instead of mooning, how about we just stick our tongues out? And instead of sticking our tongues out, let’s just ignore them and whistle loudly?”

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime Sticker

The box actually has a sticker that states “People will swipe this.” I can only guess maybe in Russia where people are relegated to eating dark breads and dour potato dumplings. Okay not true, but you get the picture. Anyhow, it leads to a website called flavorprotection.com which is a site about protecting flavor and the joke falls flat. And if I’m speaking about a website, then that should be another indication of how blah these Wheat Thins are.

The only redeemable quality about Wheat Thins Lime is that they are just mediocre and won’t offend your tongue. The resident crunch and Wheat Thins taste are still present. You can’t beat them when they are topped with slices from the cheap rectangle shaped Monterey jack supermarket cheese. Well, you can, just buy normal Wheat Thins and eat those.

I guess my point is why do I have to enjoy a cracker by having to eat it with something else? I enjoy sitting on the couch, shoving my hands in a box of crackers as I leave specks of cracker dust on the remote and just eating them plainly. And does one really have time to mess with slicing cheese when Cheaters is on? By the way that new host Clark Gable III sucks.

Simply put, the lime/citrus zing is too weak, but if you like Wheat Thins in general…well, you could do worse…like replace Joey Greco.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Yum Sugar

Item: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Publix, where they don’t let you put “Go to hell Matt” on a cake you’ve ordered.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The citrus zing hits you immediately. Lime skittles. The familiar nutty taste Wheat Thins have. The word “ramjam.” Wheat Thins are always crunchy. Joey Greco.
Cons: The citrus zing hits you immediately and then dies off just as quickly. The lime taste is faint. The box lies to you, there is no bold taste. Parents lie to you, there is no love. Clark Gable III.

REVIEW: Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins

Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins

Of all my shortcomings as a writer, one of the more noticeable tics is a tendency to bury the lede. If not for the numerical rating at the top, you could read three or four paragraphs into most of my reviews without having any idea whether I actually liked the product, and who has time to indulge a rambling narcissist for that long? Not you, you’re a busy person. Things to do, foods to try! So allow me to cut to the chase:

I had to buy a second box of these Wheat Thins because my family and I ate the first one before I had finished the review, and also just because I wanted to. That almost never happens, even when I really like the food. So there you go.

Now that we’ve gotten the metaphorical first kiss out of the way, we can move on to the rest of our evening. Let’s be candid: in terms of thrilling or exotic foods, crackers rank somewhere between canned tuna and oatmeal. No movie has ever featured a box of Saltines in a steamy seduction scene. Scarlett Johansson could not make crackers sexy. There’s a reason why it’s the preferred terminology for boring white guys like myself.

And even in that dubious company, Wheat Thins are not what you think of as the cutting edge, kick-ass cracker brand. Triscuits, maybe. Cheez-Its? Hell, those em-effers are crazy. But Wheat Thins? They’re what your parents put out as an appetizer before dinner. (Confidential to mom and dad: I still love them! But mostly when sandwiching pepperoni and cheese slices.) So when you hear Wheat Thins is putting out a chili cheese flavor, you scoff and think, “Targeted at who, retirement communities? 8-year-old girls? The Amish? Get real, Wheat Thins.”

And then you take a bite just to be indulgent and it’s like that Chappelle Show sketch where Charlie Murphy plays Prince in a game of pick-up basketball, and the only thing you can say after your first bite is, “Game… blouses.”

I’m serious — by cracker standards, these are really good. They aren’t going to immolate your tongue or make steam shoot out your ears like a 1930s cartoon. But you WILL taste some heat, especially in the crackers at the top of the box. (I noticed the chili flavor starting to get less intense around the middle of the package.) Yes, a Texan would probably pour oil and rattlesnake venom on these and call them breakfast cereal, but for the rest of us, the heat is enough to keep you interested.

In terms of the cheese, it’s definitely overshadowed by the chili. Which is not to say it’s bad — there’s a coating on every cracker that’s probably mostly chili powder, but I would guess also includes cheese dust. It’s just not especially noticeable unless you’re really concentrating, and even then… enh. Not bad, but you’re getting these for the chili, not the cheese. As for the texture, I know it’s incredible to believe but they remain, in fact, Wheat Thins. Same as it ever was.

So there you go: I said at the very beginning that these were great crackers that I willingly bought another box of, and here I am reiterating it. If you’re in a position to pick these up, you should definitely jump on it. That said, I am still going to take points off for unironic use of the word “kickin'” on the back of the box. Because at the end of the day, you are still Wheat Thins. Own that.

(Nutrition Facts – 15 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 95 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Chili Cheese Wheat Thins reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Putting stereotypes to rest. Brings some heat to the party. Would probably be great sandwiching some Swiss cheese. Not too bad for you. Game… blouses.
Cons: Could stand a little more cheese flavoring to keep up with the chili. tl;dr. “Kickin'” is a very cracker thing to say. Taking shots at the Amish is so 1996.

REVIEW: Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins

Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins

I oftentimes wonder if there’s some kind of flow chart that maps out how snack companies pick the next flavor for their brands. You know, the kind of simple-to-read document with the Microsoft Word-Art-inspired fancy arrows in bright colors that leads executives on a maze to the big pastel colored circle that says (in Comic Sans, no less) “Red Velvet Pop-Tart” or “Chicken and Waffles Potato Chips.”

And knowing how some flavors get the check-mark before others, I further wonder if the brilliant advisors to some of our nation’s finest food brands aren’t in fact the same whiz kids giving AT&T all that brilliant advice.

I bring this up because it seems a long-time coming that Wheat Thins would add Honey Mustard to their flavor lineup. Seriously, Nabisco. If “artisan” cheese, low sodium, and cinnamon sugar can get on the flavor list, then you’d think a flavor like honey mustard would have made the cut by now.

Well, better late then never.

The taste is classic honey mustard powder, which from my experience is different than actual honey mustard because it has all the benefits of the irresistible sweet-salty combination with a hint of tang and earthiness to go along with not having to deal with the annoyance of squeeze bottle physics.

Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins Closeup 1

There aren’t any particularly “artisan” notes that suggest a fancy-smancy Dijon or horseradish-type of honey mustard, which is great in my book because the last thing I want while snacking is making funny faces thanks to nasal irritation. The powder is applied liberally enough to allow for a finger-licking experience, even after a handful of crackers, which seem a natural fit for honey mustard given the crackers’ malted aftertaste and wheaty flavor.

Like I said, it’s a flavor that seems a long time coming.

The sweet and slightly tangy taste permeates past the powder though, which in this case makes the crackers all the more addictive. It also validates their ability to withstand plenty of the stresses of springtime events like watching opening day baseball on your couch with a cold one.

Yes, spilling your beer on Honey Mustard Wheat Thins will infuse the cracker with the triple hops brewed taste of fermented barley, but it won’t wash away the honey mustard taste. Should you not spill beer on your Wheat Thins and just be one of those weird people who insist on licking every atom of seasoning powder off your favorite snack before crunching down, you’ll still find the usual malted taste of the Wheat Thin melding perfectly with the honey mustard flavor.

Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins Closeup 2

Truth be told, I really can’t find noticeable flaws with the Honey Mustard Wheat Thins. However, a bit more seasoning as well as a hint of the kind of innate “pretzel” flavor that goes so well with honey mustard would have put these crackers over the top for me.

On that note, Honey Mustard Wheat Thins won’t be the kind of snack that inspires you to deplete your local Walmart’s stock before your tax rebate check arrives, but at the same time, they’re not something that disappoints. If only all flow-chart inspired snack flavor product decisions could accomplish so much.

(Nutrition Facts – 30 grams (About 15 crackers) – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Honey Mustard Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Classic honey mustard powder flavor reminiscent of Rold Gold Honey Mustard pretzels. Sweet-salty-malty powder applied liberally enough for finger licking action. Not overpowering in the tang department. Avoiding squeeze bottle physics which rob me a good three tablespoons of honey mustard. Whole grains.
Cons: Snack food flavor flow charts. Lacks familiar “pretzel” flavor. Still waiting for a Beer and Honey Mustard Wheat Thins flavor.