Hi, everyone.  I’m Drew, and you’re reading The Impulsive Buy.  Well, the holiday season is almost here, and if you’re not an avid Delicious Dish listener like me, you may have missed this tidbit: frequent guest Pete Schweddy has sold his Season’s Eatings bakery to ice cream chain Ben & Jerry’s.  This is good news for consumers nationwide who have long dreamed of enjoying those famous balls, but were prevented by distance from doing so.  Thankfully B&J’s didn’t leave us hanging, developing a new flavor that Mr. Schweddy has repeatedly expressed a desire to dip his balls into.  And now it’s finally ready to be thrust upon the general public.
 
Even so, don’t think it was easy.  Schweddy Balls was released over a month ago, but it proved surprisingly hard to find.  I had to visit a lot of places, some less savory than others; but finally my persistence paid off and I was able to get my hands on Schweddy Balls.  Let’s give it a once-over, shall we?

The first thing that jumps out at you about Schweddy Balls is the color — very, very white, with just a few visible black spots that might concern you at first.  No worries though, as closer inspection reveals them to be malt balls and fudge-covered rum balls.  Yes, that’s right: B&J’s subscribes to the notion that if one ball is good, two are clearly better. The texture, as you’d expect, is quite different between the two varieties.  The rum ones, though lent some firmness by the fudge, are still fairly soft and squishy.  In contrast, the malt balls are quite hard and (be warned) make a loud noise when chewed.  No lie, my wife was actively annoyed by how loudly I was crunching my balls next to her.
 

Noise aside, both kinds of balls are pleasing to the tongue, the fudge and rum melding into a nice richness and the malt balls being… well, basically just regular malt balls.  They’re smaller than you might’ve expected, perhaps due to the cold.  In addition, they’re spread quite liberally throughout the mixture, so if you were worried about there not being enough balls to go around, think again.
 
The other thing you’ll notice right away about Schweddy Balls is the smell — if you put your nose right up there, you can really detect the rum fragrance.  Unfortunately, that also leads me to the biggest problem: the aroma is far stronger than the taste.  Perhaps in fear of overwhelming their audience, B&J’s made the hint of rum much less than a hint.  It’s barely detectable on its own, so you’re essentially just eating vanilla ice cream with balls in it.  Plentiful balls, to be sure, but not so much so that you’ll have one in every bite.  Probably half of your spoonfuls will just be vanilla ice cream; and while B&J’s know how to make a decent vanilla, it still could’ve benefited from a fudge swirl or something to keep things interesting.  You have to feel bad for Pete Schweddy, with the entire weight of the dish resting on his balls.
 
I’d be remiss if I didn’t briefly mention the durability of Schweddy Balls.  This may be a non-factor for most of you, but I purchased a carton on my lunch break, stored it in the work freezer, and then took a 40-minute car ride to a van rental place, a 10-minute wait, a 5-minute drive to a furniture store, 10 minutes of loading a table and chairs into the van, and a 5-minute drive to my house before it saw the inside of a freezer again.  Yet when I opened the carton the next day, there were no signs it had melted even a little.  Give them credit, those balls held up remarkably well.
 
I really wanted to give this flavor a higher score, because of both the salacious name and those panties-in-a-bunch parent groups protesting it being in stores while their kids are home viewing the original sketch on Hulu.  But while I’d love to tell you there’s no beating these balls, that’s just not true — they can be beaten, and beaten soundly, by many of B&J’s other flavors.  Weighted against average, everyday ice cream, this holds up pretty well.  But we’ve come to expect a lot more from those gentlemen from Vermont, and unfortunately their Schweddy Balls just don’t quite measure up.  It’s not terrible, but with the exception of the titular item, is just somewhat underwhelming.
 
Mmmm, balls!

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 270 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of total fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Foodette Reviews
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls
Price: $3.39
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Obscure “The State” references FTW.  The longer you search for Schweddy Balls, the more satisfying it is when you find it.  Carton references the “racy double entendres” of the original skit.  Plenty of balls to go around.  Plaid logo = nice little touch.  Rum/fudge balls are succulent and rich.  I got paid money to make fifty ball jokes — deal with it.
Cons: Malt balls make loud, annoying sound when chewed.  Kind of bland when you don’t get a ball in your mouth.  Doesn’t 26 grams of sugar just mean they dumped an entire jar of sugar in the carton?  Missed opportunity for “Waffle Coneheads” and “Chocolate Chip in a Box” cross-promotions.  Rum scent more powerful than rum flavor.  Ball jokes stopped being funny after the first three.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

I’ve always wondered what happens to the uneaten cake at weddings. (via On Second Scoop)

Sadly, just like cola champagne, you can’t get drunk with a bottle of soda pinot noir. A serving of liquid NyQuil has more alcohol than the both of them combined. (via The Soda Jerks)

May the Force be with you. But if that’s not possible because you lack midi-chlorians, you can at least write the words “the Force” in this and then carry it around with you. (via Office Supply Geek)

Remember Dippin’ Dots? If so, a company now makes a candy version of the frozen treat. I wonder if, just like Dippin’ Dots, they’ll become all the rage for a little while and then fall into obscurity. (via Candyblog)

Wendy’s is testing macaroni & cheese, chili cheese fries, and baked sweet potatoes. Great. More items to draw me away from the Wendy’s Garden Side Salad with vinaigrette I should be choosing. (via We Rate Stuff)

This ginger beer dares drinkers to try it. Well, I double dog dare it to pour itself down the drain. I don’t think it’s got the balls to do it. (via Eat! Drink! Snack!)

Hey so guess what — I found the damn ice cream.

Irony is a bitch, amirite?  After literally weeks of searching for the latest Ben & Jerry’s flavor and eventually settling for Breyers Chips Ahoy! as a consolation prize, I finally located Fair Goodness Cake! before I’d even submitted that last review.  Yeah.  That’s like getting a friend request from the girl you had a crush on in high school two weeks after you’ve gotten married.

Except… often when that happens, you realize almost immediately that, old infatuation be damned, you absolutely ended up with the right person.  That happened to me — it’s crazy to think that if I’d actually had the stones to ask her out back in the day, I could right now be with a diehard Twilight and Justin Bieber fan who’s never heard of capital letters.  (Because: hi, we’re 31 years old.  The Biebs should not be on anyone’s radar who was born in the ’80s.)  So I approached Fair Goodness Sake! with anticipation, but just a little hesitance as well.

Juliet famously pondered what was in a name, to which Ben and Jerry’s response is clearly, “An opportunity for a double pun, duh.”  Fair Goodness Cake! isn’t the slickest of their ice cream names, but you’ve got to respect the sheer ambition of referencing both the fair trade nature of the ingredients and the flavor itself in the title.  I’d been looking forward to this one for a while because, beyond the fact that B&J rarely steer me wrong, I was curious to see if I could taste the difference between standard chocolate ice cream versus “German chocolate cake” ice cream.

In answer to that question: yes, although it’s subtle.  I’d say the chocolate is probably a little darker and richer than what you’d consider “ordinary” chocolate, both in appearance and flavor.  Texture wise, while there are some crumbled cake bits in it, they’re pretty unobtrusive and blend well into the smoothness of the ice cream.  If anything, they could’ve added a little more German chocolate cake without anyone complaining, I’m guessing.  FGS! also contains coconut, which I personally can take or leave.  To me it’s like the kid sidekick of the ice cream world — I’m not going to complain if it’s there, but if it happens to get accidentally left out, or blown up or beaten to death with a crowbar, I’m kind of okay with that.  Anyone who got that reference, collect five nerd points and give yourself a wedgie immediately.

But I know that many of you, like my wife, are avowed coconut lovers, and rest assured that Ben & Jerry have not forsaken thee.  Fair Goodness Cake! boasts a strong, distinctive coconut presence that can’t be ignored.  Arguably a little too much so — the container boasts of a coconut caramel swirl, but the caramel is almost an afterthought, disappearing quicker than a bartender’s attention when you sit down and order a water (or so I’m told by people who order water in bars).  In all seriousness, the caramel is there, but very subtle and definitely overpowered by its bigger, more prominent cousin.  Damn your diva-esque ways, coconut!

Despite what the name might lead you to believe, there’s nothing especially esoteric about Fair Goodness Cake! ice cream.  It’s not some incredibly niche flavor that like three people will appreciate; it’s just solid, non-flashy ice cream.  Nothing wrong with that (other than the price… five dollars?!), and while I might’ve desired more parity between the coconut and the caramel elements, overall it’s still tasty stuff.  Coconut lovers can probably add an extra point to that score, but for everyone else: don’t hesitate to pick some up if you see it, but I wouldn’t drive more than a mile out of your way to get some either.  Although it is a limited batch, so if you DO decide to partake, don’t wait too long — he who hesitates does not eat cake.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 260 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Fair Goodness Cake! reviews:
On Second Scoop
Rodzilla Reviews
Ice Cream Snob
Fish and Spaghetti

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Fair Goodness Cake!
Price: $4.99
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Finally finding the damn stuff.  Further confirmation that you married the right person (not that any was needed).  Cake chunks that enhance the rich chocolate.  Nice texture.  Double puns.  Doesn’t spare the coconut, if that’s your thing.
Cons: Does EVERY new frozen dessert have to have an exclamation mark in its name?  Kid sidekicks.  Remembering you never would’ve stood a chance with the girl you’re making jokes about.  Who hid the caramel?  $5 is pretty ridiculous for a pint of ice cream.

Update: Click here to read our Schweddy Balls review

I’m an avid watcher of Saturday Night Live and my favorite skit of all time is Schweddy Balls. If you’ve never seen the skit because you’re too young or you think SNL was better during the (insert former cast member here)-era, you can watch the clip below (unless you live in a country outside of the US because Hulu clips don’t play outside of the US).

For those who can’t watch the clip, the sketch stars Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon, as hosts of the “Delicious Dish,” a National Public Radio program parody, along with Alec Baldwin as Pete Schweddy, the fictional owner of Season’s Eatings Bakery.

To honor Saturday Night Live and the greatness of that skit, Ben & Jerry’s has launched a new limited edition flavor called, you guessed it, Schweddy Balls.

The new Schweddy Balls flavor features Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and is loaded with fudge covered rum balls and milk chocolate malt balls.

A 1/2 cup serving has 270 calories, 15 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

The newest Ben & Jerry’s limited-batch flavor is currently available at participating Ben & Jerry’s Scoop Shops across the country and at supermarkets nationwide while supplies last.

Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie is Dairy Queen’s Blizzard of the Month. The treat combines gooey caramel, real fudge brownies pieces, and choco chunks blended with creamy vanilla soft serve. It was also Blizzard of the Month in April 2010 (read On Second Scoop’s review here). A small serving has 570 calories, 21 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 85 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 65 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein. I was going to put the nutrition facts for a large serving, but I didn’t want to blow your mind…and your heart.

This month’s Slurpee flavor has a football-related theme, so I shall fill this paragraph with football terminology. Cherry Orange Blitz will bicycle kick your mouth with fruity flavors, dribbling between sour and citrus. Oh wait, wrong football. According to the Slurpee website, Cherry Orange Blitz also contains ginseng, green tea, and guarana extract, so it might provide an energy boost for gamers. Speaking of those who enjoy games, specially marked cups will have codes that will help players earn rewards for the Facebook game Madden NFL Superstars. A 16-ounce cup of Cherry Orange Blitz has 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, and 27 grams of sugar.

Baskin-Robbins’ Flavor of the Month is French Toast. The flavor consists of french toast flavored ice cream with bits of gooey maple bread pudding. A 4-ounce scoop has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 335 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 28 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

Subway’s September $5 Featured Footlong is the Turkey Breast &…ZZZZZZ. W-w-what? What was I saying? Oh yeah, September’s $5 Featured Footlong is the Turkey Breast & Black…ZZZZZZ. Oh man. Subway’s Turkey Breast & Black Forest Ham makes me quite sleepy. It’s not very exciting since it’s a regular item on Subway’s menu. A 6-inch sub has 290 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 820 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, and 18 grams of protein.

[Apologies if this review is a little disjointed, I'm writing it in the throes of a nasty head cold.  It's progressed to the point where my white blood cells are marshaling their forces, drawing troops away from unessential functions like "breathing" and "not feeling like shit" to prepare for the final engagement.  If you see another review from me in 10 days or so, they were victorious.  If not, tell all of their mothers that their sons died like men.  Cowardly, impotent men.]
 
A request was made in the comments section of my last review that I tackle some Ben & Jerry’s.  There actually is a new B&J flavor out that I’d love to subject to either a blistering tongue-lashing or an exquisite tongue-… something else; but as I took the liberty of pointing out, Ben & Jerry’s has a billion flavors but never the one you need.  That’s okay, though, because in the midst of my search, I came across this little gem: Breyer’s Blasts! Chips Ahoy! Chocolate Chip Cookies.  (The extra exclamation points stand for flavor and copyright protection, respectively.)  It seems like both a simple and a delicious concept, if not a little derivative.  I picked it up, but couldn’t help wondering if there would really be anything to set it apart from chocolate chip cookie dough.
 
You can call me finicky or demanding or unfathomably sexy or stubborn if you like, but there are certain things I expect from a frozen dairy dessert bearing the name of a popular cookie company, and that’s that it A) be good, and B) taste like cookies, ideally chocolate chip, and even more ideally chocolate chip that won’t make me fat.  Since Chips Ahoy! delivers on nearly all of that (operating under the Schrödinger’s Diet theory that if I don’t step on a scale, I both will and will not have gained any weight), I think we can call it an unqualified success.  But succinct crib notes aren’t why you come to the food blog dubbed “Best Punctuated” by Consumer Reports, so allow me to expand on why this should be your next dessert purchase.

On first glance, Chips Ahoy! looks a lot like Moose Tracks or any other fudge-based frozen dairy dessert you can imagine.  The first bite, however, is enough to tell you that it’s much more than that, as you get hold of a chocolate chip or two.  And those are good, nicely complementing the fudge stripes and giving you a little bit of texture variety.  But what’s even better is when you also get some cookie in there as well.  You won’t in every bite, at least not in equal degrees; some bites will feel like you’re actually eating a soft Chipwich, while others will just have a little hint of cookie dough.  But it’s never completely missing, and that’s what’s important.  Nearly as critical is the fact that the fudge makes its presence known without overwhelming any of the other tastes.
 
You might have noticed that I used the word “soft.”  One thing I worried about with this flavor was that it would have hard chunks of cookies you could practically break your teeth on.  After all, they’re surrounded by freezing cold dairy dessert, not exactly conducive to softness.  But somehow, those sonsabitches down at the Breyers factory made the cookie chunks stay remarkably soft, possibly through the use of chemicals or dark sorcery.  It’s crazy how soft they are, and I’ve read comics where a 5th dimensional imp rides a dog with a mask on its face accompanied by a teenage girl in a red and green dress whose sole function is to prove that Robin isn’t gay.  So I know from crazy.
 
But in the end I don’t particularly care how they do it, just that the cookie veins are both rich and tender.  Like Elvis.  That’s very much the case, and it comes in conjunction with smooth, tasty frozen dairy dessert and fudge that distinguishes itself instead of fading into the background like that kid from Family Matters who vanished between seasons and was never heard from again, unless you watch porn.  (Which I don’t, Mom.)  Man, I need to stop watching so much TV.  My foibles aside, this is some mighty delicious frozen dairy dessert whose sole negative is that it’s, uh, not especially good for you.  Portion control is strongly recommended, but if you’ve got the calories to spare, give this flavor a try.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.)

Other Breyers Blasts! Chips Ahoy! reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Breyers Blasts! Chips Ahoy! Chocolate Chip Cookies
Price: $4.59
Size: 1.5 quart
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surviving the common cold.  Multiple exclamation points.  If you don’t step on the scale, you haven’t gained any weight.  Discernible but not overwhelming fudge.  Surprisingly soft cookies.  Rich frozen dairy dessert.  Most bites have at least some cookie in them.
Cons: Not finding the flavor you need.  Gaining weight if you eventually do step on the scale.  Not exactly a “light” dessert.  A little expensive.  Forgotten child stars.  Bat-Mite, Ace the Bat-Hound, and Bat-Girl.