REVIEW: Keebler Limited Batch Pumpkin Spice Fudge Stripe Cookies

Keebler Limited Batch Pumpkin Spice Fudge Stripe Cookies

Let it be known that if you come over to my apartment at 7:30 with a voracious appetite, an empty plate, and a demand to be filled with a joy that surpasses that of a ghost hunter finding the apparition of Aristotle at the back of a gas station, then you are liable to get dished a plate of cookies for dinner.

If you like spice cake, crunchy things, and a dauntingly bountiful amount of orange-checkered packaging, you probably wouldn’t mind if you came over today.

Keebler Limited Batch Pumpkin Spice Fudge Stripe Cookies 2

Before chomping in, let us admire the contrasting aesthetics of the Fudge Stripe: the parallel lines, the perfect ring shape, the little geometric bibbelty-bobs that pock the surface.

It’s a pattern that could rival the most intricate of doilies and possibly compete for the world’s best cross-stitching design, although I’m not 100 percent certain of that last statement. The only time I tried cross-stitching, I ended up with a “scarf” that looked like a beach towel gnawed off by Godzilla.

What I do know is that, after over 30 years, Ernie Keebler still knows how to make a mighty fine stripe cookie. Never one to hold back on the sugar intake, the cookie’s been generously shoveled with three variants of the sweet stuff, highlighting the earthy molasses against all the varieties of fructose. Combine that woodsy taste with a crunchy base, some sweet, mildly flavored white fudge stripes, and a zip of ginger, cinnamon, and nutmeg and this bugger might as well be the perfect pumpkin pie crust.

But heed my warning, fellow pumpkin maniacs: there is no actual pumpkin here. I was a little bummed out before acknowledging that, as with all goods of the “Pumpkin Spice” ilk, I am only promised spices, not necessarily squash, and, with a cookie so fine and limited in its presence, how can I complain? (I can’t.)

Keebler Limited Batch Pumpkin Spice Fudge Stripe Cookies 3

Welp, that was a fine dinner. If you fall head over heels for the warm spices of autumn and enjoy a depth of sweetness with your spice, these are worth picking up, if only to test them out on your own taste buds. Could the cookie be crispier? Could the soft, sweet fudge benefit from less hydrogenated oil and more vanilla? Could the Keebler elfin army deliver these to my door, equipped with complimentary magical talking woodland creatures?

Sure, but, far above these idealistic visions, my need for cookies reigns. As it always should.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 gram of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Keebler Limited Batch Pumpkin Spice Fudge Stripe Cookies
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 11.5 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy cookie. Just enough molasses. Zippy ginger. Fudge is everywhere. Geometry! The experience of using “bibbelty-bob” in a sentence. Finding the ghost of Aristotle at the back of a gas station.
Cons: No pumpkin involved. Fudge could use more vanilla. Hydrogenated oils crush dreams. Not delivered by a magical elfin army. Failed cross-stitching projects that look like they were gnawed off by an overgrown prehistoric lizard.

REVIEW: Keebler Jif Cookies

Keebler Jif Cookies

If it’s really true that “Choosy Moms Choose Jif,” then that raises some interesting questions about these new Keebler Jif Cookies. Namely: with so many cookies to choose from, what do Keebler Elf mothers pack for their kids’ lunches?

All lingering questions regarding Keebler biology aside (if E.L. Fudge cookies are anatomically correct, then how can the Elves reproduce with fudge for guts?), my guess is that it’s these peanut buttery delights.

Why? Because eating them is like taking a nostalgic trip back to elementary school lunchtime. Allow me to guide you through the simulation:

As Mrs. Hartwell continues to drone on about the importance of “the cursive capital I,” all you can think about is how the letter kinda looks like an octopus holding a cup of tea. So you stare at her bizarre facial mole until the third period bell rings, heralding in the best part of the day: lunch. As everyone clamors to the haphazardly cleaned tables, you explore the depths of your Tiny Toon Adventures lunchbox. Tossing aside a Grape Capri Sun (Pacific Cooler is a way better flavor) and egg salad sandwich (shudder), you strike brown gold: a Ziploc full of Keebler Jif Cookies!

Keebler Jif Cookies 2

With a scent like the oily innards of a Reese’s Cup wafting out of the baggy, you catch the hopeful stare of Benny Thompson. No way are you trading your cookies for his Fruit Roll-Up this time. You bite into one of the bumpy, fudge-coated rings (but not before wearing it like a mock pinky ring, as it’s perfectly sized for your young hands) and release an exaggerated “Mmmm!” Benny hides his jealousy with a Fruit Roll-Up.

They certainly aren’t attractive cookies, with the glossy fudge and protruding nuts making them look like something that Scooter, your family Basset Hound, would leave behind for the neighbor kids to put in a flaming paper bag. The fudge melts fast, too, so you hope no one misinterprets the brown smudges on your hands.

Keebler Jif Cookies 3

Analyzing every layer reveals the treat as deceptively complicated. The cookie center is crispy and airy with a pleasant taste of cocoa. This is surrounded by a layer of diced peanuts that add a contrasting crunch texture and a bit of earthy saltiness to balance the resounding sweetness of the fudge, which is a bit overbearingly rich in that “you’ll be tasting this on your tongue for hours” kind of way. It’s strong enough to override the unique creaminess provided by the thin layer of Jif peanut butter inside, which is a shame, because the rare instances when the Jif’s nutty gooeyness shines through are the cookie’s most memorable parts.

After school, you immediately raid the cupboards before mom gets home. As any child would, you experiment and craft a sinful PB&J hors d’oeuvre that looks vaguely like Jabba the Hutt.

Keebler Jif Cookies 4

Cookies like these naturally evoke such childlike creativity. Yes, it’s ridiculous, fattening, and a bit unnecessary, but it’s also the kind of experience you’ll remember fondly in 10 years.

At the end of the day, that’s just what these cookies are: an enjoyable escapade, but a forgettable flavor. As good as it is, it’s been done before: when absentmindedly stuffed into your mouth, the many flavors amalgamate and ultimately remind you of two very familiar ones: it’s just like a Keebler Fudge Stripe and a Little Debbie Nutty Bar made sweet, sweet love and had salty-sweet children.

Not that your elementary school self understood how that works, right?

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 170 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of total fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Keebler Jif Cookies
Purchased Price: $2.78
Size: 8 oz./15 cookies
Purchased at: Meijer
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Jif peanut butter MVP. Fun contrasting textures. Evoking childlike whimsy. “Jabba the Peanutt.”
Cons: Not enough Jif. Loses complexity when crammed in mouth. Fudge fingers. Distracting moles. Egg salad.

REVIEW: Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies

Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies

Like Salted Caramel, Maple Bacon, and Sriracha, Red Velvet is a food trend which will not go away until it’s been flavorized into every edible object this side of gluten-free dog treats. While I’m quite positive this has driven some of you mad, I’m more than willing to accept and embrace this necessary step in flavor evolution.

Sneer all you want about how diet yogurts and Pop-Tarts can never match the mellow cocoa flavoring and rich cream cheese frosting of an actual slice of homemade Red Velvet Cake, but unless you possess a time machine allowing you to conveniently travel back to the 1930s or 1940s, I’m going to call you out as just another fan of the latest bastardization of the classic southern cake.

And you know what? I’m totally cool with that, just like I’m totally cool with the idea of the Keebler Elves adapting their classic Fudge Stripe cookies to Red Velvet. These are magical elves, after all, and there are far worse food trends they could be adapting for cookie construction.*

Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies 2

At first glance, the fudge stripe template seems a curious choice to adapt Red Velvet to. Fudge is supposed to be dense, super chocolaty, and for lack of a better word, fudgy.

Meanwhile, even bastardized conceptions of Red Velvet carry a certain connotation of a light cake crumb and more restrained cocoa flavor. But when you think about it, good old Ernest J. Keebler’s reasoning checks out. Not nearly as iconic at E.L. Fudge yet distinct enough from your garden-variety Chips Deluxe, the Fudge Stripe begs for a makeover, or at the very least a new twist on the contrast of artificial chocolate glaze and crisp shortbread.

Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies 3

If nothing else, the little men slaving away in those treehouse factories certainly craft an aesthetically pleasing product. Lined in a perfect row of red and white, as if drizzled with a cream cheese and buttercream fondant by skillful elfish hands, the cookies look appetizing enough to devour in one fell swoop. It’s a thought not completely unrealistic, if only for the obsolescent non-resealable packaging. Really, Ernest J.? You’ve created a magical factory in a tree capable of mass producing cookies yet you can’t prevent my cookies from going stale? Priorities man, priorities!

Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies 4

The white coating is predictably waxy—the kind of artificial, “look that’s going to be your arteries!” stuff that we’ve been told to avoid, but still secretly love. At first, it’s slow to yield a distinct flavor, but after several licks and precise, tiny bites, the faux-glaze takes on a unique flavor. I’m reminded quite a bit of the yogurt coating of the raisins in one of my favorite cereals (Basic 4—completely underrated) but also pick up a hypersweet note of white chocolate and an element of cream cheese.

Beneath the glaze is the shortbread cocoa cookie. Crunchy with a superfine crumb, there’s both a distinct mellow cocoa element but also a deeper and richer chocolate flavor. You won’t mistake it for dark chocolate, but sure enough, the semisweet chocolate listed on the ingredient list makes itself known, giving each cookie an over-the-top chocolate flavor which pairs wonderfully with cream cheese glaze.

I have to admit though, there’s an odd acidity in these cookies which tempers the chocolate; a sensation which makes me almost pucker. Sharp to a point but still very sweet, there really is a distinct Red Velvet flavor that goes well beyond just mellow cocoa and red food coloring. Truth be told it’s sort of unexpected (who ever heard of a crunchy Red Velvet cake, for one thing!), yet somehow satisfyingly addictive. One might, when considering the hands which built it, even call it magical.

I wasn’t expecting to like the Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies as much as I did. I know, I know. Who am I to doubt whatever source of supernatural craftsmanship guides the Keebler elves. Yet lulled to sleep by countless Red Velvet flavor imposters, my expectations were dimmed, so much so that when one of the most accurate representations of the flavor in mass produced form graced my lips, I was blown away. Red Velvet Oreos, you ask? I’m not holding my breath just yet, because as far as I’m concerned Ernest J. and the magical elves have crafted a near-perfect Red Velvet cookie.

*Kale, for instance.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Keebler Red Velvet Fudge Stripes Cookies
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 11.5 oz.
Purchased at: Mars Grocery Stores
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: ACTUALLY TASTES LIKE RED VELVET. Mellow cocoa crumb. Unexpected chocolate depth. Addictively complex cream cheese/buttercream/white chocolate glaze. Needed makeover for a classic cookie.
Cons: Possibility of Red Velvet flavored gluten-free dog treats. Seventeenth century cookie packaging. Will turn your arteries into waxy faux cream cheese filling.

REVIEW: Keebler Original S’mores Sandwich Cookies

Keebler S'mores Original Sandwich Cookies

I have no idea how anyone ever came up with the idea for s’mores. What exactly were graham crackers even good for before they were used as bread in a toasted marshmallow and melted chocolate sandwich?

From its name to its ingredients, s’mores remain a unique, simple campfire combination that’s as delicious as it is indicative of the summer season. Yet, many still attempt to reinvent this timeless snack, and Keebler’s new S’mores Sandwich Cookies are only the latest to provide their personal spin on the one treat that reminds us all of a flickering campfire and the chokingly potent smell of mosquito killer.

But hold on one second and allow me to preface this review by saying that I take my s’more very seriously, like very seriously. I have personally devised a three-tier system for determining a s’mores’ quality based on its preparation and presentation.

Tier One: S’mores made outside using the heat of a real fire. Maybe you are using a campfire from a weeklong camping trip with some of your top homies or a fire-pit in your parents’ backyard, either way this is the true way to enjoy this traditional snack.

Tier Two: S’mores made indoors. Yes, that’s right, there are people who use a microwave to make s’mores because 20 seconds is all you need to forgo that smokey campfire smell and a ceiling of dark sky and stars. At their best, these individuals are at least trying to capture the essence of a true s’more. However, more likely they just wanted a quick snack before watching late-night reruns of Seinfeld on TBS.

Tier Three: Anything pre-made and store bought.

Yeah, that’s right, I am a longtime believer that there are some things you shouldn’t mess with, and s’mores is one of them. However, the new Keebler S’mores Sandwich Cookies sure challenged my opinion.

Keebler S'mores Original Sandwich Cookies Innards

Although not in traditional s‘mores fashion (which we can safely say is a pretty clear message from these cookies), one of the best things about the Keebler cookie version is how unmessy it is. Far from the melty stringiness of an actual toasted marshmallow, the center of each of the Keebler cookies is somewhere between a Lucky Charms marshmallow and Oreo cream filling in consistency, and it breaks away very easily. Also, the two graham crackers are soft enough that they don’t snap, but not so soft that they to crumble away with each bite. The chocolate exterior also keeps everything together making enjoying them on the go even easier.

Keebler S'mores Original Sandwich Cookies Penny

If you are a fan of s’mores-flavored Pop-Tarts, then it is safe to say you will dig these Keebler cookies. While maybe not a perfect representation of a true s’more, the taste is pleasantly recognizable of the real deal much like the popular Pop-Tarts pastry. It is certainly one of the better s’mores-flavored snacks out there, and definitely worth at least a fun one-time purchase to get you in the summer mood.

However, the only disappointing thing is that each container has only ten smallish cookies separated on a plastic pull-out tray with a lot of wasted space. Yo Keebler, what gives? I know you all have the resources to cram, like, 24 E.L.Fudge cookies into the same sized package as well as all of those elves and their cooking utensils into that one tree, so please give us enough cookies to justify the almost four dollars I spent. Overall amount aside, I was also a bit surprised the nutrition facts revealed a serving size of one cookie—an eye opener when you consider that one cookie has 20 percent of your daily saturated fat.

But honestly, the bottom line still remains that if you are looking for a killer treat, you can’t go wrong with Keebler S’mores Sandwich Cookies. While not authentic s’mores, they definitely bring the A-game in summer flavor, with or without a campfire. Although, you just may want to save them until after swimsuit season.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Keebler Original S’mores Sandwich Cookies
Purchased Price: $3.50
Size: 7 oz.
Purchased at: Stop & Shop
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Not as messy as actual s’mores. The fact we live in a world where s’mores exist..
Cons: Cookies are kinda small and very unhealthy. Only ten in each container. No campfire smell.

QUICK REVIEW: Keebler Town House Mediterranean Herb Pita Oven Baked Crackers

Keebler Town House Mediterranean Herb Pita Oven Baked Crackers

Purchased Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pizza snack-like flavor. 0 grams of saturated fat. Great crunch. Oven baked. Keebler recommends you eat them with dip, but they have enough flavor by themselves. Leaves just enough seasoning on your fingers to make cleaning them enjoyable.
Cons: Googled “Mediterranean herbs” to find out what they are and none of them are listed in this cracker’s ingredients, so I’m not sure what the herby stuff on each cracker are. Maybe the box is supposed to say “Pizza” instead of “Pita.” Not made by elves with magic in a tree; they’re made by machines with ovens in a huge factory.

Keebler Town House Mediterranean Herb Pita Oven Baked Crackers Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 6 crackers – 70 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 1 grams of protein.